Birth Order’s Impact on Development/Sibling Issues
Betty S. Williams, NSCC Parent Education Instructor; December 30, 2008; updated 3/8/11
Sibling relationships are generally both beneficial and challenging for children and parents, and having an only child also
presents some pros and cons for a family. Understanding how your own experiences with siblings (or without them)
shaped you and your attitudes toward parenting can help you be more conscious of how you treat your own children
with respect to their placement in the family constellation.
Small Group Activity
Divide into groups of 3-4 based on your own birth order experience growing up – first born, middle, youngest, only or
blended, i.e. changing over time. Discuss your experiences with siblings or without while you were growing up. How
did your parents treat each child in the family? How do you think your experiences with siblings has influenced who
you are and how you parent your own child(ren)?
Each group will share briefly what each member of the group had in common, and in what ways your experiences are
different.
Notes from small group activity:
Overview of typical characteristics and other influential variables, such as gender, disability, age gap of
7 years or more, culture, temperament, etc.
Implications for parenting:
• Avoid comparing children with others in the family or outside of it
• Recognize out loud the age and developmental differences
• Acknowledge and support each child’s unique personality and interests
• Avoid labeling children, instead modeling respectful language
• Provide clear expectations about behavior and family rules, with appropriate follow through designed to teach
the skills children need to learn
• Recognize how your own experience influences your parenting style, and reflect on how well your style fits
with your children’s learning styles and temperaments
• Use emotion coaching when appropriate, to help children learn to communicate about feelings and gain
problem-solving skills
• Focus on building caring & friendship between children
• Find books & other resources that provide positive role modeling of appropriate social/friendship building
skills
Small Group Discussion
One group for those who have only children, and the others in groups of 4. Discuss current challenges with
sibling relationships or any issues you see for your child as an only, list the skills the children need to learn, and
strategies to build those skills. Plan to share key points with the group when we reconvene.
Adjusting to a new baby in the home:
• Recognize that adults in the family have a lot of adjusting to do, not just the older child, and that your
relationship with your older child will go through some shifts as s/he goes from being the center of the family
to a potential hazard (as well as friend) to your precious, vulnerable new baby
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Accept assistance when offered, including having someone else spend some time with the baby so that each
parent has some alone time with the older child
Expect regression and remember that the older child is still very young, so allowing him or her to cuddle more,
not worry about dressing herself, toilet learning, etc. may help alleviate some of the more challenging acting
out behaviors that can occur
Allow the older child to be a helpful “Big Sister or Brother” in age appropriate ways, such as getting the diaper
for you at changing time, learning to touch the baby gently, give her the pacifier, etc.
Try to empathize with the older child’s feelings of being displaced, while maintaining appropriate routines and
rules to provide the sense of security and structure that s/he needs
Find time for self care whenever possible and remember that you will get more sleep and the process of
juggling two or more gets much easier over time!
Books/Resources for Parents
Birth Order:
1. The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are by Kevin Leman
2. Born to Rebel: Birth Order, Family Dynamics, and Creative Lives by Frank Sulloway
3. First Child, Second Child by Bradford Wilson and George Edington
4. The Birth Order Blues by Joan Drescher
5. Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One & Only by Susan Newman
Sibling Issues:
1. He Hit Me First: When Brothers and Sisters Fight by Louise Bates Ames
2. Loving Each One Best: A Caring and Practical Approach to Raising Siblings by Nancy Samalin
3. Mixed Feelings: Love, Hate, Rivalry and Reconciliation Among Brothers and Sisters by Klagsburn
4. Siblings: Love, Envy and Understanding by Dunn and Kendrick
5. Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and
Elaine Mazlish
6. Raising Twins: From Pregnancy to Preschool by Shelly Vaziri Flais
7. "The Sibling Effect" - Chapter 6, NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson & Ashley
Merryman
8. “First Born Jealousy: at http://www.pantley.com/files/FirstBornJealousy.pdf
9. Twins & Multiples resources: North Seattle Families of Multiples – www.orgsites.com/wa/nsfom
Family Meetings:
• Positive Discipline for Preschoolers: For Their Early Years-Raising Children Who are Responsible, Respectful, and
Resourceful; pages 213-215 guidelines for family meetings, by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin and Roslyn Duffy
Books for Children:
1. Create your own book of older children’s baby time
2. A Baby Sister for Francis by Russell Hoban
3. I Love You the Purplest by Barbara M. Joosse
4. Julius, The Baby of the World by Kevin Jenkes
5. More, More More Said the Baby by Vera B. Williams
6. On the Day You Were Born by Debra Frasier
7. 101 Things to do with a Baby by Jan Ormerod
8. Sunshine by Jan Ormerod (An independent only child)
9. Welcoming Babies by Margy Burns Knight
10. Will There Be a Lap For Me? by Dorothy Corey