7 WAYS TO HELP YOUR CHILD HANDLE FEAR
Helping children overcome fears not only eases their anxieties, it also provides
an opportunity to build the parent-child relationship. As you and your child work
through fears together, he learns to regard you as a valuable source of support.
1. UNDERSTAND WHY CHILDREN ARE AFRAID
Children do not think like adults. Most of the world is unknown to the child; and
children, like adults, fear the unknown. The preschool child cannot reason
through each new experience and decide what's okay and what's threatening. As
if the real world were not scary enough, the ability to form mental images, which
develops from two to four years, opens the world of magical thinking with its
consequent fearful fantasies. Two-to-four-year-old children are able to recreate
people, animals, and things, which they are exposed to in real life mentally, and
these mental images may be scarier than the real thing. The cute daytime
dinosaur may reappear in fantasy form as a monster at night, producing the
sleep disturbances so common at this age.
The ability to imagine monsters without the ability to reason them away as
imaginary creatures results in a developmental stage where little persons are
likely to have big fears. Fears vary from child to child. One child's fear is
another's fascination. Some children love to play with the vacuum cleaner. Other
kids regard it as a noisy monster that eats things. The school-age child becomes
more afraid of changes in relationships, danger, and health issues (e.g., being hit
by a car, not being able to breathe, divorce of parents, or death). Children
become fearful at different ages, at different intensities, and about different
things.
In our family, once we started practicing sleep-sharing sixteen years ago, we
didn't have monsters in the bedroom, but Hayden and Erin did go through a
stage when they were scared of the dark. When Matthew did not develop this
fear, we wondered why. When it finally did show up, he was old enough to
understand an explanation—we told him he was scared because his imagination
was growing. He liked being able to understand his fear, and it seems to us that
he grew out of it quickly.
Fear is one of the earliest emotions, and with a little help from caregivers, the
child can turn this unpleasant feeling into an opportunity for emotional growth.
Learning to deal with fears is one of the child's earliest lessons in dealing with
emotions and using outside help. Understand and support your child during these
times, and the closeness between you will grow.
2. GIVE A FEARLESS MESSAGE
First, what not to do. Don't give your child the message that it's wrong to be
scared. To a growing child, this translates into "something's wrong with me."
Avoid putdowns like: "Don't be afraid," "Stop being a baby," "Big boys (or girls)
don't get scared." These don't put out the fears they only drive them
underground. Now the child is not only afraid of the dark, but he's also afraid to
tell anybody about his fear, or seek help with handling it. What began as a
normal childhood problem is now chipping away at his ability to trust others.
Without reinforcing your child's fears, empathize with them: "When I was a child I
was afraid of a dark bedroom, too." Acknowledge your child's fears in order to
help her work through them. Strike a balance. Don't ignore the fears, but don't
get over-involved in them either, or your child will play up the fear to get your
attention.
When responding to children's fears, give them two messages: It's all right to be
afraid; and it's good to share your fears and ask for help. Reassure your child
that "Mom and dad (or trusted adult) will keep you safe." Remember not to put
your child down by saying: "There's nothing to be afraid of" or "That's silly." Never
use or create fears to discipline your child: "The boogie man will get you if you
get out of bed" or "God will punish you if you talk back."
3. MODEL BEING UNFEARFUL
Helping your child handle fears is much easier if you are closely connected with
your child. Your child regards you as a test pilot. If something or someone is safe
for you, then it is safe for the child. Stranger anxiety is common between one and
two years. Help your child overcome this fear by mirroring to the child that this
new person is okay. Many children become fearful of insects because they see
an adult freak out when a June bug buzzes by. Same for lightning and thunder.
Try singing "My Favorite Things" during a storm to help you stay calm. To handle
fear of doctors, prior to your visit, let your child explore a toy doctor's kit. Play
doctor and go through a pretend examination so your child knows what to expect.
Let the child play doctor with his pet, doll, or stuffed animal.
4. ALWAYS TAKE YOUR CHILD'S FEAR OF CAREGIVERS
SERIOUSLY
Normally, familiarity lessens fear. If your child's fear at being left with a particular
caregiver, even a relative, is getting more intense, after giving them some time to
get adjusted to the caregiver, change caregivers. Even if foul play seems
unlikely, give your child the benefit of the doubt.
5. EASE BEDTIME FEARS
Nighttime is scary time for little people. Fear of the dark and of separation from
parents is a double fear that keeps many children awake. Put on a night-light.
Parent your child off to sleep with a soothing story, massage, or song. Leave
relaxing tapes playing for an hour or so after bedtime. Young children need these
helpers because they cannot use their minds to overcome their fears. The child
over four can be helped to work through the fear of darkness. Ask him to tell you
what "dark" means to him. Encourage the child to draw the fear: "Draw what your
dark room feels like and looks like." If you get a black sheet of paper with an
orange monster under the bed, you've pinpointed the fear.
The principle of gradually increasing exposure helps the child overcome fear
of the dark. Play dark tag, beginning with the lights on in a room that preferably
has a dimmer switch so that you can gradually dim the lights. Play hide-and-seek
at dusk, and let the game extend into the darkness. Play follow the leader as you
weave around the yard at night on an exploring expedition. Initially, hold your
child's hand as you explore together. Give your child his own flashlight to keep
next to his bed so that he can turn it on to shed light onto suspicious piles of
clothing that turn into "a bear" when there's no light. Sometimes just knowing that
he has the power to change the darkness into light is enough to quell the fear. Or
just leave a light on his room; it won't interfere with his ability to sleep. He'll start
turning it off himself when he's older.
6. HELP CHILD DEAL WITH "MONSTERS"
Tell your child matter-of-factly: "Monsters are only on drawings or TV. They
aren't real. And even if they were real, Daddy wouldn't let them get in our house."
Draw a monster picture and show your three-year-old the difference between real
and imaginary. ("Monsters are pretend. Lions are real and Daddy won't let any
lions in here either.") Since we share sleep with our children, we haven't had this
monster-in-the-bedroom problem ourselves. Once our kids are secure enough at
night to graduate from our bedroom, they are past the age of being tricked by
their imagination. Even if your child sleeps in his own room, a lovely part of his
bedtime ritual could be Mom or Dad lying down with him as he falls off to sleep,
until he is old enough to enjoy going to sleep on his own.
Try helping your child imagine a substitute scene: "When you dream about
anything scary, imagine a train at the end of your bed. Whenever you're afraid
you can hop on the train, and mommy and daddy will be right there in the train
with you. You ride around in the train for a little while with mommy and daddy,
and then the train comes back and stops at the end of your bed. You get off, and
you crawl back into bed, and by that time you'll forget the scare." Offering
substitute make-believe works for the sensitive child who feels threatened at any
suggestion that the monsters aren't real and that therefore you think he's dumb
for even thinking about monsters. The best way to get rid of nighttime fears is to
prevent them by practicing a style of nighttime parenting that helps the child feel
that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and a fearless state to remain in.
7. GET RID OF FEARFUL CHARACTERS
Fear of fantasy characters is one of the most common fears in the preschool
child. If your child's favorite imaginary characters are not keeping him awake at
night, bothering him at school, or making him a generally fearful person, join in
the fun, and let your child enjoy the fantasies while they last. If they are
interfering with your child's emotional development, help your child work through
what is imaginary and what is real. The child under six has difficulty separating
make-believe from reality.
Banish scary characters from your child's environment. Turn off scary TV shows
and videos. Even better, limit TV and videos for preschoolers to very selective
viewing. Beware of films and cartoons that were created for older children and
adults. Help your child discern the difference between real and imaginary
characters. Talk about how cartoons and movies are made. Use puppets to put
on an act. ("See, these aren't real; they only talk with your voice or move if you
pull the string.")
Be careful not to transfer your own fears to your child. For example, your toddler
is climbing up on the counter. If you immediately give him the fear message,
"You might fall!" or "That's dangerous!" he probably will fall. Fear can actually
make risk situations more dangerous. It's best to calmly walk over to the child
and assist him.