ENGL&151/152/153 – Creative Writing (Online)
Sample Workshopped Draft
This is an actual short story draft workshopped by an actual ENGL151 student. I have removed
all identifying information, such as the students’ names, the title of the story, etc. This is an
example of a workshop effort that would earn the full 25 points.
Pay particular attention to how this student uses specifically references elements of craft that
we have covered in class and that most comments ask questions, make suggestions, and
reference the Responsible Workshop Questions from Fiction Workshop Notes. Simple
compliments are kept to a minimum but when offered, they are usually accompanied by an
explanation rather than being a lone compliment. In other words, the reviewer illustrates his or
her own understanding of our course content.
I could sit in this sunlit windowsill and stare down at her for hours. She teases me
deliberately with her long white hair and legs, and the most beautiful bushy tail I have ever
seen. She must be an exotic breed, like those who run through vast grassy plains or lush tropical
jungles I always see in that big box in the living room my mother calls a "tube." We would be
together if only I could find some clever way to get to the other side of this glass, but every time
I attempt to run for the door mother screams, “No Hubble!” She clearly just wants me to be
safe from the dangers out there, but sometimes I get this instinct that I may be trapped in here
forever and my biological necessity to reproduce causes an insatiable urge that I never can
control when I see her flaunting herself at me.
I should probably get back to my household responsibilities before mother gets home.
First I must patrol the entire house to check for those suspicious sounds that seem to come
from all around me. They don’t seem to cause any initial threat as they have never shown
themselves, but nonetheless will make you paranoid. Once all the rooms are clear of danger, its
time to practice my hunting skills, so I can beat mother in one of those wrestling challenges
she’s always dominating. After she wins she rubs in her victories by tossing me high into the air
onto a big fluffy blanket on the couch, which I’ll admit is just thrilling, but I can’t let her know
that. I keep running back to her because she thinks I’m trying a different attack, and then
throws me again. She is so unsuspecting.
My other training is for a real threat like when that mammoth “Rocky” comes into my
castle for these “custody rights” my mother has. He is from another marriage, my father left
when I was too young to remember. He's always putting his nose in my private places and
chasing me around the house and constantly needs the attention of mother; he is a true
“mama’s boy” as they say. The worst is that high pitched screaming of his when he gets to go
outside to do this fetching, whatever that may be. He truly is an uncivilized creature from
which we share no commonalities I can assure you.
I think mother is home. Yes, yes it’s her. I must let her know how excited I am to see her,
“Mom! I’m so glad you’re home! I’m starving, please tell me you brought something delicious
home for dinner?” I cry out to her.
“Oh Hubble, you must be so hungry, let me get you your favorite” she says.
Yes my favorite, the brown pellets that are as dry as two week old cow patties scorched
from the desert sun. I will require a whole bowl of fresh water to wash it down, otherwise it
stays pasted to the back of my throat and I have those nauseating coughing attacks. Recently
Mother switched my food to this “non-gluten” nonsense, because she doesn’t like my full figure
she says. I think the true reason is because she’s unhappy with her own figure, because she’s
always looking at herself saying how she thinks fat and needs to lose weight; I must be her
guinea pig.
All of a sudden mother says, "what am I going to wear? I haven’t showered, what if
we…” as she paces around the house nervously. She always makes me nervous when she starts
to panics.
“It’s too late to make any dinner, should I get Chinese or Pizza?”
I just love pizza. She always consumes something in a bottle that makes her forget her
food is on the table and I steal delicious pieces of meat when she’s napping face first on the
carpet. She can’t seem to figure out why I haven’t lost any weight, but I’m accepting of her late
night habits.
Something is obviously off with her today. Why is she picking things up off the floor?
And throwing my plastic bottles I use for batting practice away? Oh good, it's about time she
cleaned my bathroom, cause there was shit everywhere.
“Ok, I have things pretty tidy now. Where is that pizza?”
Almost as soon as those words came out of her mouth there was a banging at the door.
“He’s here Hubble,” she says excitedly. Who is here mother?
“Hey! How are you? I’m so glad you called to hang out,” she says.
That voice on the other side of that door is not our pizza man. I can’t see him, but I
hope he doesn’t come in.
“Please, won’t you come in?” mother says
No! Don’t let him in mother. As he steps into my house I can see this is no man, but a
giant, carrying a large black object of peculiar shape. I must run and hide before it sees me.
“I want you to meet my cat. Hubble where are you?” she says awkwardly as if there is
nothing else to say. I hope she forgets to look under the couch.
“There you are. You come here." She drags me out with my claws hooked to the carpet
like an anchor being dragged across the sea floor.
“No! I don’t want to come out!” I say furiously.
“This is my special boy.”
Boy mother? I am a man. I avoid making direct eye contact and give him a hiss to let
him know he is not welcome.
“Oh no, I don’t think he likes me,” the giant rumbles. He’s smarter than he looks. I
squirm to break free from my mother’s embrace and run for my life down the hall to safety
under mothers bed. I will be protected here; this giant could never fit in such a small space. I
feel tired, perhaps taking a nap will clear my head so I can conjure up a plan to get rid of this
giant.
Oh no, how long was I out? It is dark now. What on earth is that noise? It’s a sort of
stringy twang vibration echoing off the walls from the living room. I hope mother is safe; I must
sneak in there for an ambush. This is what I’ve been preparing for day after day and now I must
use my training to be silent like a mouse, peeking around corners and staying as close to the
ground and wall as possible to make it seem as though we are one. As I creep down the
darkened hallway, I can see the bright lights from the living room, but the vibrations suddenly
stop. I suddenly see my favorite ball, so I bat it around a bit; it makes the loveliest little jingle
that is hard to resist sometimes.
“There he is,” the giant laughs, “Are you ready to come out and be social?”
I've been spotted, how could I have been so clumsy and distracted? I must quickly
retreat back to the bedroom to regroup. He is good, he must have a keen sense of awareness,
like me. He knows too much. I managed to get a glimpse of an object on the giants lap that I
think was making that horrendous noise. It was the same shape as the black object he brought
into the house earlier, but different now. Slow and steady I make my way down the darkened
hallway as before. I must stay quiet and resist the temptation of my ball. I slither like a snake
to the end of the hallway and take in a deep breath, then run to the kitchen table to hide under
its cover.
I peek out from under the curtained table to see them enjoying themselves a little too
comfortably for my taste.
“I really love how you play, in fact that was the first thing that attracted me to you,”
mother says strangely, with her red stained teeth on top of her bottom lip. Mother gets overly
affectionate whenever she has that bottle with her I've noticed for some time.
“I’m glad I could play for you tonight, and that you accepted my offer to come over,” the
giant says equally as strange, but with a devilish smirk on his face.
I will keep a watchful eye on this giant, but I am starving again. It’s too risky to attempt
the food on the table, so I must settle for that dust in the kitchen. I quietly sneak in there only
to find there is no water! It is impossible to consume the contents of this bowl without water.
He makes the noise again and it stands the fur straight up on the back of my neck. I hop
onto the counter top, avoiding the mounds of plates and glasses and secretly peek from the
opening into the living room. Mother enjoys the sound this object is making, because she is
smiling and moving her head side to side. This must be the giants secret weapon to draw the
vulnerable closer, but then what does he do? Mother mustn’t listen anymore or she will be
under his spell; however it seems she may already be in it, because now she is moving around
the living room waving her arms through the air. He stops his hypnotic waves and stands, he
must be going after her now, he still has the object in his hands. Why does it have such a long
handle and large top? Is it for bashing of some kind? It’s a Kitty basher!
“Hey Hubble, what are you doing up there?” The giant says to me as he stumbles to
come closer.
“You stay away from me, hiss!” I tell him. I will not go down without a fight.
“I’m not going to hurt you buddy,” he says with his sly voice, but he will not fool me the
way he has done mother.
I can’t stop him from coming any nearer, so I stand my ground on the slippery counter
top and swat at him when he sticks his hand out to grab me. He and mother laugh hysterically,
which makes me question her sanity, but I know I shouldn't, because she’s just under his spell.
They continue to laugh their way down the hall to mother’s bedroom and close the
door. It is silent in this house now and he has left his kitty basher in the living room, what a
fool. I jump down from the counter top and move slowly to approach this foreign object. I
must destroy it before he destroys me. I extend my nails and run them along the smooth
wooded surface and I continue to do this until my nails have been properly manicured the way
mother does them. There are these threads running from the handle to the large bashing end,
so I chew through these cords, thrashing my head back and forth until eventually, I break the
strings one by one and they curl up on both ends from the lack of tension.
After a while, the giant walks into the kitchen and pours himself a glass of cold water
from the fridge and finally sees me sitting proud next to the kitty basher, mangled and
destroyed. He lets out a bellowing cry which startled me at first and then ran helplessly to his
basher. He held it in his hands and close to his chest like a mother does their child and fell to
his knees weeping. I stood guarded as he will surely build up anger from what I've done and
come after me. He looks at me with his glassy red eyes and tears streaming down his face one
after another and I did not see a monster like before, but a helpless man in pain who I had
destroyed as I intended to do, but this did not feel like a victory.
I had an overwhelming guilt and tried to go near to console him, but instead I kept my
distance in case it was a trap. He stood up still sobbing and put his basher into the black case I
had seen earlier and quietly left my house. Exhausted from battle I needed to rest, so I crept
into mothers bedroom and hopped onto her soft feathery bed and curled into a ball next to
her. When the sun beamed through the blinds in the early morning, mother began to fidget and
opened her eyes to see me laying next to her instead of the giant. She looked at me puzzl140ed
and quickly jumped out of bed and ran into the living room to see the giant had already left.
She kept saying to herself, "I cannot believe that asshole," and telephoned him messages in
anger.
Days passed and then weeks and we never did see that giant or his kitty basher again.
Things seemed to be back to normal as before and I spent my days laying in the window soaking
up the warm summer sun, wrestling with mother, and guarding our house which seemed like a
breeze now after combat. One evening mother got a phone call and seemed very excited from
what was being said on the other end. She began cleaning the house again and ordering pizza
and then, there was a knock at the door.
Hi [name omitted],
This was a greatly imaginative story. The dialogue and action all seemed very believable
and real. The introduction of the Kitty Basher and Hubble’s need to investigate was great build
up to the climax of the story. The fight between Hubble’s instincts and his desire to protect
mother and investigate the situation was amusing. Are there any other areas where that could
be exploited? It might help create a more credible world by having a fuller backstory of
Hubble’s life, his routine, prior interactions with mother, etc.
Since the entire story takes place in an apartment, more inventory of the apartment
would help with creating a world the reader can enter. We never get a good view of the place.
This could be done in the early scenes while Hubble is making his patrols. Think about smells
and sounds, too—the aspects of setting that a cat might experience.
I’m also interested in Hubble’s inner life: what does he think about himself? Why did he
hide from the giant? And wouldn’t everyone seem giant to him? Why was this man so special?
Please let me know if you have any questions.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work.
- [name omitted]