Addressing Common
Problems in Essays
by Kimberly Carver
Or… “You should probably really pay attention if you
want to succeed in my class/pass the AP test/improve
your writing skills.”
Hokay….
We’ll go over things to
remember for the three
specific types of essays you
will write in class first, and
then move to things you
should keep in mind when
writing any essay ever.
Writing Effective Argument
Essays: Some Impediments from
the Perspective of the Former
Chief Reader (David Jolliffe)
-- A misunderstanding of the genre the student is called
upon to produce:
NO– an examination answer that simply answers the
question.
YES- An essay that contextualizes the prompt for the
reader and can stand on its own
Cont

A use of the five paragraph theme in contrast to the six-part oration

A failure to forge a sophisticated thesis

-- A thesis with a subordinate clause is generally more effective than one
without

An unwillingness or inability to be transparent about thinking:

-- It’s often a wise strategy to let the reader know “here’s why I’m thinking
what I’m thinking (meta-commentary).

An inability to offer specific, concrete examples in support of claims.

--Students need to read widely, watch high-quality news programs, and talk to
intelligent adults

A temptation to use literary examples, whether they are appropriate or not.

--Hester Prynne, Jay Gatsby and Hamlet are not examples of every social
quandary

A reliance on oversimplified syntax and diction

-Students need to practice imitation and sentence combining. Students need
to benefit from a robust vocabulary enrichment program
The Things AP Graders Care Most
About
 I’ll show you some actual grader comments and
examples from the range finders we do in class. You will
see that for all three types of essays, what the graders
care most about is that you answered the question, you
supported your answer logically and with sound and
culturally relevant examples, and you organized your
answer efficiently. Your answer should demonstrate
analysis of a problem or a paragraph (evidence of your
own critical thinking) rather than just summaries of what
others are saying.
For ALL essay types:
Introductions
 Your introduction should be strong and illuminating: a good
start, reflecting organization and interest. It should give
emphasis to the background of your topic and why it is
important– what I call the So what/Who cares factor. You
can also give exigence to your topic here: why are we
talking about this topic right now? What has happened to
get the debate going?
 Your thesis should not be weak; this critical statement
needs sequences and related ideas required to build a clear
argument; it should name people and concepts you will
discuss in the essay. Consider your thesis a map that
should guide someone through the paper. Every sentence in
your essay should directly or indirectly seek to prove your
main point (thesis). Your thesis belongs in your
introduction and should usually be the last sentence of the
first paragraph.
Intros cont’d
 Even if you don’t know much about the background of
this topic, you can discuss what one person or some
people are saying (one side of the argument) and then
respond to them by segueing into your thesis statement.
Here’s an example:
 “Voter turnout continues to decline each election in the
United States. As a result, some people have suggested
that we implement compulsory voting like some other
countries already have. To these people, I would say
_____. Compulsory voting thesis statement.”
Transitions, Organization, Focus
 Think about the type of organization that will be most
rhetorically effective for you. The best way to ensure a
tight, well-written essay is to outline first. You will not
only make sure you know where you are headed so you
don’t ramble, but you will receive the added benefit of
choosing the arrangement of your thoughts so they are
presented in the most compelling way.
 Assert a clear idea at the beginning of the paragraph as
part of the topic sentence (consider this a body thesis).
Make it a sharp, precise statement of the issue you will
prove. Do not assert an element of plot or a fact as an
idea of the topic sentence. Strong topic sentences or
body theses should help with control of paragraph.
Attitude/Tone
There are a few things that can really destroy your ethos.
Besides stating opinion as fact, ignoring or acting
completely intolerant of the other side of the argument can
alienate readers. You will never receive a prompt that isn’t
somewhat controversial. The reason for this is that the
College Board wants to see how you reach a conclusion.
The conclusion itself isn’t what is being graded. Make sure
you allow for the complexity of the argument by
acknowledging that others might disagree with you.
However, you want to sway them to your side, so be bold
and confident rather than mousy or unsure. On the other
end of the spectrum are the pretentious know-it-alls whose
arguments, even if they are 100% logically correct, we
want to nitpick or refuse to consider because we just don’t
like the speaker’s/author’s tone.
Tone Cont.
Examples:
Intolerant Writing:
It is undeniably clear that calling for the death of the death
penalty is past due. All the facts prove it to be ineffective.
Wake up, America! Everyone deserves a second chance,
and it doesn’t make sense to tie death to death (killing
someone because they killed someone). You can disagree,
but you’d be wrong. It would be a cold soul who would vote
to allow it to remain a part of our justice system. We live
in a modern, evolved society, not a primitive culture! Taking
a life is never justifiable for any reason and people who
push for it to remain the standard for evil are evil
themselves, pure and simple.
Tone
Mousy Writing:
I’m not an authority on the death penalty, but it seems to
me like it could be possible to reform some of the inmates
on Death Row. Perhaps they might not be fully reformed,
but at least they wouldn’t be dead. We could put them in
prison for life or something like that instead. This is only
my opinion, but it’s kind of unfair to kill someone because
they killed someone. And you might disagree, but I heard
some people who are convicted are innocent. Wouldn’t that
mean we might be killing innocent people in the name of
justice? I’m just saying that it’s possible. I don’t want to
offend anyone, but I think I’m against the death penalty for
a lot of reasons.
Tone Cont.
Pretentious Writing:
Unfortunately, political neophytes might mistake offing a fellow
member of our genus and species with the successful
implementation of our American justice system. Upon further
inspection, however, it becomes apparent that we often
fallaciously attribute appropriate ethical reactions to our
government when they should be condemned for perpetuating
vigilante revenge tactics and even celebrating them! In our
paradoxically postmodern yet primitive society, some
individuals find that capital punishment offends their moral
sensibilities. As we all place varying emphases upon certain
facets of our very individualized moralities, it is appalling that
this extreme solution still functions as a plausible response to
even the most errant criminal behavior without the consensus
of the majority.
Tone Cont.
Bonus Pretentious Writing:
"With the last gasp of Romanticism, the quelling of its florid uprising
against the vapid formalism of one strain of the Enlightenment, the
dimming of its yearning for the imagined grandeur of the archaic, and
the dashing of its too sanguine hopes for a revitalized, fulfilled
humanity, the horror of its more lasting, more Gothic legacy has settled
in, distributed and diffused enough, to be sure, that lugubriousness is
recognizable only as languor, or as a certain sardonic laconicism
disguising itself in a new sanctification of the destructive instincts, a
new genius for displacing cultural reifications in the interminable shell
game of the analysis of the human psyche, where nothing remains
sacred."
[from Stephen T. Tyman, "Ricoeur and the Problem of Evil," in The
Philosophy of Paul Ricoeur, edited by Lewis Edwin Hahn (Open Court,
1995)]
***This paragraph actually won Second Prize in a Pretentious Writing
Competition
Tone Cont.
Establishing Good Ethos:
The death penalty is an irreversible process which
permanently deprives the offender of the due process of
law. When a person is sentenced to death, he can no
longer be benefited by any amendments in laws. Likewise,
he can no longer be benefited by the possibility that new
evidence will be discovered that will exonerate him. There
is always the possibility that innocent people may be put to
death; a study conducted by Bruce Robinson (2002) found
that at least 350 people between 1900 and 1985 in
America might have been innocent of the crime for which
they were convicted, and could have been sentenced to
death.
Support
Examples convince the reader of the validity of the
argument. You must choose examples that are relevant and
convincing. You must also explain examples thoroughly,
showing how they are relevant and why they contribute to
your argument. Use mature examples from history, current
events, politics, literature, etc. Limit (as in, don’t use them
unless you have no other choice) personal or hypothetical
examples. Also, while religious viewpoints are acceptable as
long as you state them as opinion, you may not use any
religious books/principles to prove a point. Religion requires
faith. This means that not everyone who reads your paper
will believe in the same things or in the same ways you do.
If you prove a point factually, you will have more readers
agree with your logic.
Support Cont.
You should never state opinion as fact. On
that note, always fact-check your paper
when you’re finished. I’ve had former
students assert that Martin Luther King, Jr.
freed the slaves and that Texas is a fully
Republican state so no gay people live here.
You must be precise. In both of these cases,
we know what the writer probably means;
but both of these “facts” ruin the writer’s
ethos with the reader.
Support Cont.
Close a paragraph with an idea that
concludes what your topic sentence and
examples have proven; do not simply mimic
the assertion nor end with your last point.
Draw a large idea that is the logical
extension of your points made in the body.
Think of the formula for a paragraph like
this: A= Transition/Topic sentence B=Reason
C=Support/evidence D=How support is
relevant/proves that reason E=Why reason
helps my overall argument. A+B+C+D+E= a
great paragraph. Here’s an example:
Support Cont.
2011 Argument Essay Prompt:
“In his 2004 book, Status Anxiety, Alain de Botton argues
that the chief aim of humorists is not merely to entertain
but “to convey with impunity messages that might be
dangerous or impossible to state directly.” Because society
allows humorists to say things that other people cannot or
will not say, de Botton sees humorists as serving a vital
function in society. Think about the implications of de
Botton’s view of the role of humorists (cartoonists, standup comics, satirical writers, hosts of television programs,
etc.). Then write an essay that defends, challenges, or
qualifies de Botton’s claim about the vital role of humorists.
Use specific, appropriate evidence to develop your
position.”
Support Cont.
*This is a paragraph taken from an actual student response to
the 2011 Argument Essay Prompt:
A+B Even today, humorists affect our view of the world. C
Amid an endless stream of political changes, elections, and
controversy, satirical programs like Saturday Night Live provide
welcome commentary on today’s issues. D By placing the
leaders of our country and social issues of our day on a
platform other than that of their own authority, the writers at
SNL, The Daily Show, and programs of the like allow us to not
just accept what we see on the news at face value and
encourage us to question the ills of our society through humor
and eventually work to fix them in our daily lives. E Humor
acts as a nonviolent yet extremely effective mechanism for
highlighting injustice, challenging a system, or “Rocking the
Vote.”
Conclusions
Please do not abruptly end your essay once
you’ve finished giving reasons, or simply
restate the prompt in your conclusion.
Conclusions that do these things are weak
and therefore ineffective. Draw a larger idea
at the essay’s close that grows out of the
assertions you have given. Leave the reader
with a better opinion of the logic and
correctness of your essay.
Conclusions Cont.
Effective closures successfully draw together assertions and
examples. They enrich the thematic statement; usually the
theme follows the several sentences wrapping up the essay,
then move to making an observation about the human
condition, ambition, or motivation. I call this the “so what?”
factor. You must try to connect the point you’re making
(even if it’s a rhetorical analysis piece) to the bigger
picture. For instance, if you are analyzing a historical
speech or essay, find out what the author’s/ speaker’s
intended effect is and how this effective speech or essay
changed history because of the effective rhetorical strategy
employed. If you are arguing a point, tell me why it
matters. The prompts you receive will always tie in
somehow to current matters/society at large.
Conclusions cont’d
 Things you might think about to help you make that
larger connection: Where do we go from here? What
lessons have we learned?
Who/what/when/where/why/how? Suggestions for a call
to action/resolution to the problem
Nitpicky stuff that matters as it
adds up
1. Awkward phrasing-- The best way to find these
awkward phrases in your paper is to have someone else
(ideally) read your paper out loud. If the reader becomes
tongue-tied or seems obviously confused about how to read
a certain sentence, you can be sure its meaning is unclear,
its structure is grammatically incorrect, or both.
2. No reference to the title of the piece and its author at
the beginning of essay– Please make sure you do this
within your first paragraph.
3. Unsophisticated uses of grammatical choices—semicolons are hard. It’s also unsophisticated to make every
sentence the same length and the same structure. Vary
them!
Nitpicky stuff cont.
4.Incorrect formatting of MLA heading (left side of first
page):
Last Name, First Name
Teacher
Class
Due Date
Nitpicky stuff cont.
5.Fragments and run-ons—fragments are not complete
sentences. They carry no meaning without the sentence
before them. Like this. Run-ons like this sentence continue
to go on for miles and miles and when you should stop you
don’t like I should have stopped there but didn’t.
6.Using any verb tense except present tense in literature
discussion and analysis
Nitpicky stuff cont.
7.Indefinite reference; this, these, that are used incorrectly
when they carry weight of a large idea. Restate the idea, clarify
the connection between indefinite pronoun and the noun it
replaces. Also, when you can, be specific.
Examples of Indefinite References
1.Lizzie gave that book to someone and never got it back.
2.Someone called to tell me the horrible news.
3.Although it could have happened to anyone, it happened to
me.
Use clear references that effectively clarify ideas—if you
mention “they,” replace that reference to someone specific. It
not only helps in clarification, but it can establish credibility
too. “They said smoking causes cancer” isn’t as effective as
“The Surgeon General said that smoking causes cancer.”
Nitpicky stuff cont.
8. Avoid absolute words: all, every, each, any, anyone.
These words suggest naïve thinking and weak logic. It’s
rare that absolutes are truly necessary.
9.
Homonyms/Plurals vs. Possessives
They’re, their, there
Affect/effect
Two, too, to
Final SLIDE!!!
You have to learn the difference between the usages of these
words. Also, while there are some exceptions, when you have
an apostrophe and an “s” at the end of a word, it signifies
possession, or that someone owns something (or it can be a
contraction, which is just shortening two words), whereas an
“s” at the end of a word without an apostrophe before it
signifies that there is more than one of something.
It’s= It is—It’s nice to know some grammatical terms.
Its= Something belonging to “it”—The cat licked its fur.
There are two Lady Gaga fans (more than one) in my class.
The Lady Gaga fans’ reactions (the reactions belonging to both
of the fans) to my singing “Born This Way” were interesting.
One of the Lady Gaga fan’s reactions (the reaction belonging to
one of the fans) was to cry. The other fan’s reaction was to
walk out.
So…
Remember this stuff. This PowerPoint is on my website.
Refer to it for all major assignments, peer edits, SAT and
AP Test practice, etc. Hope it helps!
-Ms. Carver