A Personal Story of the Recent Tragedies
For some strange reason, I forgot to turn on my alarm. I woke up from a jolt at 8am on
Tuesday. There was no sound or other disturbance, just a sense of uneasiness. I thought I
was just hungry but was in a hurry to leave my house to attend my first lecture. I arrived
to my lecture 5 minutes late and realized that I forgot to wear my glasses. This is a very
strange thing as I seldom forget them. I couldn't see the blackboard so I kept looking
outside the window and admired the sunny day over the campus. It was weird trying to
focus in class without my glasses. That was probably the best thing that happened to me
on this day.
Around 11:30 am, one of my classmates announced that class has been cancelled for the
rest of the day. Naturally, everyone asked why. Someone blurted out "the World Trade
Center has been bombed". My initial thought was "Oh, not again?" though I could never
imagine the magnitude of this incident. I frantically tried to call my family in New York
City as I was leaving Porter 100. "All circuits are busy, please try your call later" is all I
hear to every number I have tried calling in New York. Various versions of the recent
events were told as I walked across campus though I could not stay to hear what was said.
I went into Wean and sat down with a friend. As we were listening to the radio broadcast,
I commented rather casually "Oh well, they bombed it before, it's no big deal, the towers
can take it". My friend then proceeded to look me straight in the eyes and said "I am sorry
dear, both towers had collapsed." In my mind, I saw the two towers broke and fell
horizontally, crushing everything beneath them. I refused to believe it and broke down
sobbing as I punched my home phone number on my cell phone again to no avail. I kept
repeating the words "Why would anyone do this? Why?" My friend said that it was to
show that we are not safe. I cried harder as I heard the news about the plane crash in
Somerset and the attack on the Pentagon.
My brother attends Pace University, right off the Brooklyn Bridge, a short distance away
from the World Trade Center. There was no way to predict where he was at the time.
Tears kept falling as my imagination went wild as to where my brother was. Still
dialing… still no connection… I tried calling my other friends here in Pittsburgh, I just
wanted to see and hear physically from someone I know that he or she is ok. At this
point, my cell phone could not make any connection at all to anywhere. I ran across
campus to find a computer in Cyert to see if I could contact my family online. Suddenly,
I received an email from my roommate. The message contained only these words:
"CALL HOME NOW". My fingers were crammed from punching the digits, pressing
them harder in the hope that it would get me connected to my family. My cell phone
showed a new voicemail message had arrived. I knew this was a message from my family
but the cellular network was completely overwhelmed. After a series of failed attempts, I
heard my brother's voice: "This is your brother… please call home now… mom is
worried. We heard Pittsburgh is the next target". I slammed down the phone and just
cried as I felt completely helpless when I finally acknowledged that in our days of
advanced technology, my family and I could not talk to each other. We just lived with
great panic as each busy signal continued to lock the safety status of our loved ones.
1:45pm - A flood of relief and joy as my call finally connected with my mother. At the
first sound to her voice, I cried louder than I had ever remembered. Mom was crying too
and said that she knew that as soon as she heard from me, I would be crying. She didn't
know where Somerset was, all she heard in the news was Pittsburgh. She wanted to know
if I was somewhere safe. I told her that I was, not knowing that just about an hour ago,
Cyert Hall was evacuated. Then she told me that Mel didn't have morning class on
Tuesdays and was home all morning, as was my father. She also told me that my friend
Amy, who works in the World Trade Center, had overslept and didn't make it to work
that morning. Mom made me promise her that I wouldn't go anywhere unsafe because she
knew I would want to be somewhere to help as a paramedic. I told her that I would be
careful and we ended our call to free up the phone lines for others still trying to talk with
their loved ones. I spent the next two hours frantically searching for email addresses and
phone numbers of every one of my friends in New York City. I went to Stuyvesant High
School, only a short distance from the disaster area. I also tried to call my friends'
families in New York to confirm their safety and sent out emails and voicemails of the
news. Thankfully, everyone I know directly were blessed. Sadly, a few friends of my
friends were not as fortunate. I had stopped crying as the initial shock had passed.
4:00pm - I went over to the UC to sign up to give blood, even though as a regular donor, I
had only donated blood about six weeks ago. I saw my friend Tom, who went to high
school with me. His family was also ok, as were many of our mutual friends in the city.
We stood in line with the others. I had never seen so many CMU members being
stationary in one place, waiting patiently without any complaint. The large TV in Kirr
Commons continued the endless news coverage but I refused to look in its direction. I
needed time to prepare myself for seeing what really happened. Various suspicions were
made as to who were responsible for the tragedies. I silently prayed that people would not
make any rash comments and actions from these accusations. After waiting for almost
two hours, we left without giving blood as the Central Blood Bank was overwhelmed
with the generosity of individuals.
7:30pm - My friends and I went to dinner in the Union Grill. I was starting to feel tired. I
couldn't pay attention to the conversations around the table. Purposely, I chose to sit
where I could not see the TV. I also tried blocking out the boardcast in the news as I ate. I
froze in place as I heard from the TV of people singing "God Bless America". As much
as I tried not to cry in public, tears rolled down my cheeks again.
9:15pm - I walked home alone and realized how dark and cold it was. I saw another
friend as I almost reached home. We talked but I was too numb to tell him what had
happened during the day. I told him that my family and friends are ok and that I had cried
enough for one day. I got home and stumbled into bed, falling asleep instantly.
11:45pm - The phone rang. I ran to it and answered to my roommate's father. I told him
that my roommate wasn't home. I wasn't in the mood to talk so I ended our conversation
and tried to go back to bed. I couldn't fall sleep as the day's events kept coming back to
me. I remembered that I had left my glasses in the bathroom. I decided that I needed to
see it for myself what happened. I went downstairs and watched TV for the first time of
the day. The news broadcast on radio had told me over a hundred times that planes had
flown into the twin towers. Later on, the towers had collapsed on to themselves… I was
even glad that there was time for evacuation as the towers held together for an hour
before the collapse. None of that prepared me for what I finally saw. It didn't look real. I
froze again as it occurred to me that what I saw in front of me was not some animation or
computer graphics. Real people were trying to jump off the building. I screamed and
sobbed as I saw the towers collapsed rapidly into the ground. A picture was shown of the
fire into the night with a comparison to the skyline of New York City the night before.
Mentally, I asked "Where are the towers? They are not there, what do you mean they are
not there?" The news captions showed that hundreds firefighters and policemen were
missing. I curled up on my couch and cried as I thought of the times working with
firefighters and policemen and realized the sacrifice these brave people had made. They
had lost their lives on duty. They crumbled into the dust and ashes with the building as
they attempted to escort the occupants into safety. The captions continued to show hotline
numbers for medical volunteers. I was angry that I couldn't be where I am needed the
most with my training. I had never felt more helpless than I had at that instant. I cried
harder as I heard about Somerset where the brave passengers determined to give up their
lives in the plane crash in a rural area to prevent more serious damage.
I continued watching the news coverage and sent out an email to all my friends thanking
them for being there for me on that day, wishing them well. I submitted my name and
certification information with CMU EMS in response of list building for emergency
personnel volunteers in Allegheny. I requested to suspend my duties as a course assistant
temporarily as I didn't want to affect my students. At around 4am, I tried going to sleep
and failed. I went into my study and took down my copy of "Indicator -1997" from my
bookshelf, my high school yearbook, the book that I had worked countless number of
hours on. I smiled at the happy faces and pictures of various places in the school as I
flipped through the pages. After all, we spent more time in the school than we did at
home in our four years in Stuy. I counted the number of references to the World Trade
Center in the feature stories my fellow classmates had written. I knew I shouldn't do it but
I couldn't help but seek out this two-page photo of a helicopter shot of my high school
area. I just stared into the photo. My 10-story high school building took up a lower right
corner, about an inch high in this photo. The twin towers stood side by side stretching
vertically covering the right side. As hard as I tried, I couldn't take the buildings away
from this picture. I couldn't imagine looking at my high school without them. Snapshots
of memory of my walking from the subway station towards the school, visiting Borders
for new books, shopping in the mall, meeting friends and every time I had used the
towers as my direction guidance came to me one after another. This time, I didn't cry. My
eyes were already swollen and no tears would form. I put on the Mozart's requiem and
silently wish that everyone could all get some rest, dead or alive.
I went into work on Wednesday morning. I bumped into a friend who also went to
Stuyvesant. We hugged and felt relieved that everyone we know were ok. He told me that
he had seen Stuy teachers and students running out of the school during the news
coverage of the previous day. We shared our sadness and support, and went to different
directions as our day began. The phones rang much less frequently in the Help Center.
Everyone I spoke with on the phone had a softer voice. I was glad to have something to
focus on as I worked. I noticed that I had been extra patient in explaining steps on solving
computing problems. It was time to go to class and I numbly attended each lecture,
copied notes from the board and continued my normal routine. I couldn't remember a
single word from class. I was walking towards the UC to attend the community meeting.
Suddenly, it dawned on me that Stuy is built right by the Hudson River. This means in
order for the teachers and students to escape, they had to run TOWARDS the World
Trade Center area. I silently cried as I imagined how impossible it would be for these
teenagers to ever go back to school. They had to run away from their second home in the
direction of grave danger in order to reach safety. Their memory of high school years
would always be scarred. Later on, I found out that Stuy had been minorly burned with its
windows shattered. It is now serving as a hospital/clinic for the area. Media crews had
been shooting right by the school, it is so weird to keep seeing it on TV.
I was the first individual to speak at the community meeting after the introduction
because I knew I would be more nervous the longer I waited. I shared a portion of what I
have written here with the audience. Many others had shared their perspectives, ideas and
feelings. I broke down and cried as I hugged another girl from New York City after she
shared her story. I perked up for the first time as an APhiO brother spoke and announced
the planning of a fundraising project on campus for the American Red Cross. I
immediately knew that this was what I could do to help. I attended the fellowship
gathering of my fraternity in the evening to discuss the fundraising project. I finally
began to feel better as ideas and plans for coordination come together. I felt safe to be
there and hopeful because I would be able to do something to help those who are in need.
Suddenly, a brother rushed down and said "they found a bomb package in the Empire
State building." We turned on the TV and tears started to well in my eyes again, I couldn't
bear to hear that more terrible things were happening at home. I tried calling home and
heard "Due to emergency, all circuits are busy, please try your call later." My brothers
hugged me as we waited and finally relieved with the news that the building was clear.
My call finally connected on my way home. I spoke to my brother for the first time. Mel
was never too emotional. He told me that everything at home was ok. Everyone had
stayed home all day with each other. He had always been the strong one but it broke my
heart when he repeatedly said that he just wants to go to school. His school had been
closed, just like everything south of 14th street. I was angry that I couldn't concentrate on
academic work, but even the school routine of normalcy had been taken away from him.
It has been three days since the sad tragedy. I still cannot grasp with the reality that the
next time I go home, I will not be greeted by the twin towers. I am unable to believe the
area I had walked by every day for four years of my life had transformed into a pile of
debris and ashes. As much as life goes on and my attempt to regain my normal routine
continues, a part of me is still missing from numbness, exhaustion and sadness. I have not
yet been able to really feel the pain. Many have sent encouragement and have told me
"be strong", thus I had cried less and stop showing much emotion in front of others. I
understand it is easier for people to continue on without witnessing or handling intense
emotions. But whether I like it or not, not a single time after I had woken up from a short
time of unconsciousness from exhaustion had gone by without me sincerely wishing that
someone would tell me that it wasn't real, it was all a terrible nightmare. I guess you can't
claim to be dreaming when you fail to fall asleep.
I have spent the past few days working in the donation collection project for the NY
chapter of American Red Cross. I am grateful that my fraternity has allowed me to part of
something that makes me feel less helpless. I wish others who feel the same way I do
would do the same. Thankfully, unlike the sentiments shared by many in Congress, CMU
remains a peaceful and supportive community. It is very disturbing to me to hear the
"pro-war" rhetoric in our government and international agencies. How could it possibly
make anything better to kill more innocent people? This is very disheartening to me and
others who had dedicated much time to humanitarian services. It makes me feel better
that many student organizations and departments have coordinated their efforts in
providing support for each other and those in need. I had appreciated all the efforts made
by the campus community, especially the Office of Student Affairs, at this very difficult
time. I would like to thank everyone for being understanding and patient with me in the
past few days as they listened to various parts of this story. I am still not able to tell every
detail of it in person, not even to myself. The continuous encouragement of many people
have prompted me to write this as a source of strength to those who had shared similar
feelings to do what they could to help others and feel better.
If you had shared any similar emotions I had described here, please kindly share it with
your family, friends and others. I would also ask you to please spend time to talk to the
next stranger you meet, find out as much as you can about each other. As different as we
may all appear in comparison, we all share the compassion in humanity. At times it is
very difficult to embrace our differences, but running away from reaching mutual
understanding would only diminish our compassion. Come together and never give up
the hope for goodness in people, anywhere in this world. Thank you for listening. I wish
you all peace and courage in this difficult time.
Michelle Ng
Michelle would like to extend her invitation to anyone wishing to participate in relief
efforts with Alpha Phi Omega or other student organizations to join her. In addition, she
would like to encourage all campus members to create a forum to enhance understanding
in humanity. Please email mich@cmu.edu or aphio@andrew.cmu.edu for details.