Attitudes about Grieving
Grief
defined in the dictionary as “an affliction of
deep, acute sorrow; sadness and distress.”
natural response to loss
Grieving
normal, healthy, healing activity
an experience we all encounter as part of
the human condition
something that humans MUST DO in order
to survive losses
it is hard - learn how to “grieve well”
Cultural Influences/Messages
sad feelings are inappropriate, awkward, and
often selfish
people should behave in a way that makes
everyone else around them feel comfortable
it’s unpleasant to see someone in emotional
pain - emotional pain, unlike physical pain, is
not acceptable in American culture
grief is taboo
Pain & the Process
pain won’t go away just because we deny it exists - the
more pain is denied, the harder it becomes to identify,
deal with, and grow from
pain is an essential part of any growth process
in our fast-paced world we have come to expect fast
results - we have become impatient with the process
the only way to get through something is to get
THROUGH it - all the way through it, and it has to take as
long as it takes
NO SHORTCUTS!
Pain & the Process
it is easy to avoid suffering because we
look for ways to “grow” because of it
can’t skip the healing process - trying to do
that will make you feel worse
cheating yourself of the necessary time to
feel bad is cheating yourself of the only
process that could really heal you
Pain & the Process
pain that is met head-on is always
understood fully
important emphasis is on truly facing the
total reality of the situation - be aware and
accept the outer circumstances and one’s
full inner responses to it
Good Friday
only good in retrospect - at the time it
happened it was bad
pretending that real distress and real
despair never happened is rejecting the
possibility for redemption
if it had been “good,” Easter would not
mean as much
Comfort & Hope
the needed strength to experience grief
and go through it is already within
ourselves
others who care about us can help us find
access to it, so we can allow ourselves to
take the time we need to go all the way
through our own grief process
Comfort & Hope
“comfort” - comes from the Latin words
meaning “with strength”
to be comforted is to be given the strength
to meet a situation, to face it fully
Comfort & Hope
hope doesn’t erase the pain
pain becomes bearable when we have
hope and we are able to trust that it won’t
last forever
whatever pain or loss we experience, they
are a part of what makes us unique
hope allows us to learn to bear them with
dignity as signs of what life has taught us
5 Stages of Grief:
Kubler-Ross Model
5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
assists in learning how to live with loss
tools that help identify what your feeling
NOT a complete list of all possible emotions
can occur in any order - do not enter and leave each individual stage
in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to
the first one
not everyone feels all 5 stages
all stages are responses to feelings
DABDA
Denial
first of the 5 stages
where individuals believe that situation is somehow
mistaken
helps us survive the loss
helps us cope and pace our feelings of grief
it’s nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can
handle
as you accept reality and start to ask questions, you are
unknowingly beginning the healing process
all the feelings you were denying begins to surface in other
Anger
necessary stage of the healing process
when the person can no longer deny the situation, the natural
response is anger
“Why me?” “It’s not fair!” “Who is to blame?” “How could this
happen to me?” “Why could this happen?” “Where is God?”
underneath anger is pain
it is natural to feel deserted or abandoned
being angry gives you something to hold onto and feeling anger feels
better than feeling nothing
is an indication of the intensity of your love
Bargaining
involves a hope that you can avoid grief by
negotiating, bargaining, or compromising
become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” or
I’ll do anything…”
Guilt is a common feeling in this stage - causes us to
find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could
have done differently
may even bargain with the pain - feel as if you will do
anything not to feel the pain of the loss
Depression
in this stage, grief enters our life on a deeper level
feels as if this stage will last forever
depression is not a sign of mental illness, but an appropriate
response to loss
common responses: withdraw from life, be left in a fog of intense
sadness, wondering if there is any point in going on alone? Why
go on at all?
Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to
be fixed, something to snap out of.
If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many
necessary steps along the way.
Acceptance
often confused with the notion of being “OK” - some people may
never feel “OK” about certain losses
this stage is about accepting the reality of the situation - this is
how it is now
we learn to live with a new norm and readjust
Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than
bad ones
Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we
move, we change, we grow, we evolve.
We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given
grief its time.