Dealing with Anger in Young Children Your three year-old has a major meltdown, hitting her sister, and yelling, “I hate you!” Many parents respond by getting angry themselves. “You shouldn’t act that way! Apologize to your sister, you don’t really hate her.” While most of us know this isn’t the best approach, we don’t always act the way we think we should. This is true especially when dealing with strong emotions, particularly anger. Our primitive brain takes action for us before our thinking brain has figured out what to do. Children learn how to handle anger by watching their parents deal with anger. While this can be a scary thought, it is an opportunity to help children learn effective ways to handle anger and frustration. Anger is a feeling we all have. It is normal for children to feel anger. When they do, they often find it frightening or confusing. Parents need to help children learn how to manage their anger and how to channel it in positive action. Ways to help: Recognize anger outbursts as your opportunity to teach better ways to handle anger. Don’t lose your own temper. Tell yourself, “I will not become a three year-old, too!” If you do lose your temper, say you’re sorry. This restores good feelings and reduces resentment between you and your child. It provides a chance to talk things over and discuss what to do instead. It also teaches children how to behave when they make a mistake. Watch for early warning signals in your child. Try to help prevent major meltdowns by noticing signs your child displays such as getting red-faced, speaking loudly, clenching fists, or starting to cry. Help your child calm down. “You’ll feel better if you take a walk with me.” Distractions, thinking about other things, breathing deeply, getting exercise and changing the way you look at a problem are all ways to help children calm down. Show empathy. Let her know that you understand how she feels. “It makes you really mad when Ellie takes your toy.” Set limits on behavior. “We don’t hit others, not even when we are angry.” Help your child figure out what to do. “Can you tell Ellie you don’t want to share your toy?” “Maybe you could take turns?” All of us get angry, sometimes for very good reasons, and sometimes not. Keep in mind young children have less skill than you do in dealing with anger and frustration. They need your guidance and positive role modeling. Learning how to fix the problem rather than break things or relationships is a valuable skill for both adults and children. We can help children by setting good examples, showing children we understand how they feel and teaching them how to calm down and solve problems. For more information read these books: When Anger Hurts Your Kids by McKay, Paleg, Fanning, & Landis The Heart of Parenting by John Gottman Books to read with your child and learn problem solving: I Want to Play, I Want It, & I Can’t Wait, by Elizabeth Crary Revised: Diane Ryals, Family Life Educator, Morgan-Scott Unit Editor: Patti Faughn, Family Life Educator, Springfield Center, Spring 2007 For more information contact: Angela Reinhart, Family Life Educator University of Illinois Extension, Champaign County Unit 801 N Country Fair Drive, Suite D Champaign, IL 61821 217-333-7672 areinhrt@uiuc.edu www.extension.uiuc.edu/champaign University of Illinois US Dept of Agriculture Local Extension Councils Cooperating University of Illinois Extension provides equal opportunities in programs and employment.