Your two children are waging war over a special a toy. They get within two feet of each other and begin kicking and hitting. You intervene to help them settle their differences and one yells out, “That’s not fair!”
“
Fair seems to be in the eye of the beholder,” says Rosalyn Duffy, author of
Positive Discipline for
Preschoolers
. “And when that eye is looking from one sibling toward the other, the green glow of envy is pretty obvious… fair i s not equal.”
“Equal” means “of the same value” – a concept that a young child cannot understand! They only see “more is better.” So, if they get one valuable gift and little sister gets five inexpensive coloring books, all they see in that little sister got more. Older children know it isn’t so, but may still feel jealous, especially if little sister gets something they wanted. “Equal may be a developmental issue,” says
Rosalyn, “but fair is an emotional one.”
What can you do to help children deal with strong feelings of jealousy that sometimes develop?
●
Treat children individually rather than equally according to their needs
.
In, Siblings without Rivalry , Adele Faber and
Elaine Mazlish say, “To be loved equally, is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely – for one’s own special self – is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.” Look for ways to express this unique love by sending time alone with each child, focusing on his/her personal interests.
●
Help your children learn to problem solve and work out their own differences by acknowledging their strong feelings.
Listen to both sides with respect. Remind children of family rules such as: “We don’t call each other names in this family.”
Or “Hitting is not allowed!”
●
Show appreciation for the difficulty of the problem. Express faith in their ability to work this out. Impose a time limit if you need to do so, such as: “You have five minutes to work this out, or you will (state the consequence). Then leave the room.
Without adult intervention, most fights will end quickly.
●
When helping one child, reassure the other that you will help them next. Avoid becoming defensive or trying to rectify one child’s demands when he feels like the other is getting more.
“Honest expectations, though unequal, will feel fair when presented with love – rather than apology or defensiveness,” advises Duffy.
As a child begins to feel more confident, he will usually become less jealous. As you help your children feel good about themselves and their brothers and sisters you are giving them skills to last a lifetime.
Source: Faber & Mazlish, Siblings Without Rivalry; Calladine & Ginott, Between
Parent and Child; Rosalyn Duffy, The Parental Balancing Act: What is Fair?,
Family Information Services of Minneapolis, MN. September 2005.
For more information contact:
Angela Reinhart, Family Life Educator
University of Illinois Extension, Champaign County Unit
801 N Country Fair Drive, Suite D
Champaign, IL 61821
217-333-7672 areinhrt@uiuc.edu
www.extension.uiuc.edu/champaign
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