 Put the child's feeling into words. Identify with it. “You’re
angry because Erin won’t give you the ball. When I feel angry,
I have to calm down too.”
Kicking, Hitting, Grabbing Toys -What
To Do?
Young children may become aggressive as they begin to assert
themselves. It is normal for them to focus on their own desires, and
they can have difficulty appreciating someone else’s needs.
Learning how to express their wants and feelings with words and
in appropriate ways is a process that takes time.
Other reasons for aggressive acts may include:
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being rewarded (getting their own way)
receiving attention
not getting attention for good behavior
no guidance on handling feelings or situations
a way to relieve stress or boredom
imitating or reacting to others’ aggression
Adults can help a child learn that while everyone
wants his own way, it's not always possible. One of parents’ jobs is
to help a child learn acceptable ways to play and communicate
with others. It may seem obvious to you not to kick or hit others
but it’s not obvious to a child. It takes time to learn that others feel
pain when you hurt them or how to gain control over our emotions.
Say “Hitting hurts. Look at his face. He is hurting.” This helps a
child develop empathy.
Research shows that physical punishment can increase aggression
and so can giving into a child’s demands. Instead, try these tips:
 Immediately remove the child from others (consequence
for hurting) and wait till she is calmed to talk with her.
 Calmly explain that hitting is not allowed. Say “You
may not hit anyone, and I don’t want anyone to hit you.
Remind of the consequence: “If you hit, you sit.” Ask: “What
can you do next time?” Give suggestions if needed: ask for the
toy, tell them calmly how you feel and let them tell you how
they feel, play something else, walk away, etc.
 Make it clear you disapprove of the behavior, not the
child. Let him know you believe in him and expect him to do
better. Show approval when he uses words (not fists) to express
feelings, stops to calm down or listen to the other’s feelings.
 Model good behavior. Children see better solutions by your
examples. Don’t expect preschool children to play without
supervision. Tempers are still unstable at this age. Be ready to:
 Change the situation. Your child may not be ready to play
with several children at once, playtime may be lasting too
long, more toys or quieter play may be needed, or positive
attention, hugs and fun time with you may meet the need.

Tame the play. Don’t let your child get too aggressive
during play. Be alert when voices stop laughing, start
complaining, or facial expressions show fear, anger or
distress. It’s time to redirect the play.
Your love and guidance will provide skills to last a lifetime.
Revised: Patti Faughn, Family Life Educator, Springfield Center, Fall 2005
For additional information, contact:
Angela Reinhart, Family Life Educator
University of Illinois Extension, Champaign County Unit
801 N Country Fair Drive, Suite D
Champaign, IL 61821 - 2492
Phone: 217-333-7672
Email: areinhrt@uiuc.edu
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