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L A D D E R
GOOD LISTENING SKILLS
L
A
listen with eyes and ears; leave mind open-don’t rush to judgment; listen to the whole message; if
possible, learn about the situation beforehand; look at the speaker; listen for transitions and
information handles (examples: “in the first place”, “another reason”, “and then I…”); these will help
you to organize and summarize the information.
be attentive (focus on the speaker); ask appropriate questions; adopt the behavior appropriate to the
situation (if the communication is serious and intense, your behavior should reflect that); actively
listen by acknowledging the speaker’s verbal and non-verbal responses; be aware of the speaker’s
verbal and non-verbal responses; your attitude should reflect your willingness to listen; don’t be
accusatory (“you always…), check that you understand the message accurately; acknowledge your
own feelings and the behavior that is causing those feelings (example: “I feel really frustrated when
you …)
D
don’t interrupt with an argument or plan your own response while the speaker is speaking; don’t
disconfirm-send messages verbally and non-verbally that cause the other person to value himself/
herself less-examples are: sarcasm, or put-downs such as name-calling, ignoring, laughing, refusing
to answer-deliberately remaining silent, mumble, incongruent response-totally off the subject or
behavior doesn’t match the message (example: shouting, “Of course, I really care-geez!”)
D
don’t change the subject; determine the details and link the details to the main point; don’t be
defensive (example: interrupt with a message such as “Oh no, I never… or “Well, what do you
expect?”); be descriptive-focus on the behavior not the personality, descriptive also means to
describe your own feelings and ideas (“I feel…” not “you never…”)
E
emotions-control them (especially anger); empathize (understand the experience from the speaker’s
viewpoint-be “other oriented” rather than self oriented); express your feelings (use “I” feel…);
express positive feelings about the communication; equality-treat the speaker with respect; be fully
engaged in the moment
R
reserve judgment until the whole message is heard; rephrase the speaker’s message and feelings (put
the speaker’s message in your own words to confirm your understanding); re-sort the message if
necessary (when people are emotional, the message is often jumbled or disorganized), so link
relevant details to the main idea; repeat mentally the key ideas or summarize the key points if the
message is lengthy; respond in a supportive way; respect the speaker; resist distractions and fake
listening