Preview/Overview I’m already overwhelmed. Why should I spend time on this? Too harsh… Too diplomatic… And Silence … don’t work. I already know how to talk to people about what they’re doing wrong-I’m just blunt. Why should I do anything different? I don’t think there’s anything that can’t be talked about diplomatically. Why should I hurt people’s feelings? WHAT HE MEANT: I’m concerned you’re not on track for tenure. How’s that great new article coming? Going quickly? Oh, yes, I think it’ll be done soon. WHAT HE HEARD: Your research work is great! Silence about a known problem can have unintended consequences Silence signals to the person that the behavior is acceptable (or even good) Silence about an important issue eventually leads to a blow-up A guide to developing STRUCTURED conversations … About difficult topics … Related to personnel management issues… That most people find uncomfortable … And often handle badly. Conversations Reviewed Delivering bad news Delivering sad news Addressing rude or disrespectful behavior Addressing poor work performance Pointing out poor personal hygiene Saying no; turning down a request PREPARE THE CONVERSATION Define the Problem ◦ What is the person saying or doing (or not saying or not doing) that is causing a problem? Why is it a problem? ◦ Separate fact from fiction – ”Just the facts, ma’am!” ◦ What are my assumptions, judgments and beliefs? (Separate these from the facts) If you can’t clearly define the problem, you can’t open up a conversation about resolving the problem Write it down in 3 sentences Stick to the facts Determine your conversation goal ◦ Be realistic ◦ Have a back-up plan DESIGN & DELIVER THE “ABC” MESSAGE Accurate Brief Clear To be successful ◦ Lose the urge to control/change the other person ◦ Forget trying to prove you are “right” ◦ Resist the desire to insult or undermine ◦ Let go of your desire to avoid a negative reaction to this tough conversation Stop Talking and Start LISTENING ◦ It’s a conversation, not a class lecture or a conference presentation ◦ How to deal with defensive reactions ◦ How to manage outright freak-outs ◦ Tools to Stay Cool Comments to encourage listening • Tell me what’s happening from your perspective • What’s your understanding of what I’ve just said? • What’s your take on this? • How do you see things? • I’m curious about your perspective on this issue Show confidence by embracing silence Stifle your “inside voice” Ask good questions Listen to understand – not to deflect or rebut Acknowledge the other person’s perspectives, feelings and concerns Don’t react – respond Stay calm, quiet and in the moment ◦ Design your “stay cool” techniques in advance Never engage in “blame and shame” Do not attempt to prove the other person wrong Calmly explain what will happen next Adopt the 5:1 rule Practice genuine, active appreciation of good work Master the art of saying ◦ With sincerity ◦ Without shame or guilt