Name:_____________
Grade:_____
In Class Sentence-Level Revision Group Exercise
Directions: Identify the problem, then rewrite the sentence. Each correct answer is worth
5 pts. (Some questions have Hints in parentheses following the sentence)
Example:
After World War One inactionary President Woodrow Wilson did almost nothing to curb the revolting
nature of black soldiers reentry into America, but Truman acted entirely different when he found out about
the violence ensuing in America. (Awk, wordy, one very troubling ambiguity. . . read aloud and then try to
clarify by simplifying.)
Problem/Hacker reference: Need a comma after intro phrase. Need to listen: “inactionary” will confuse some
readers, but “revolting nature” means two very different things here. That ambiguity can be resolved simply by
carving this into smaller sentences.
Rewrite: After World War I, President Woodrow Wilson did almost nothing to curb the violence black soldiers
faced upon reentering the U.S; Truman, however, acted entirely differently when he found out about the interracial
violence taking place in the U.S. after World War II.
1) The Africans depicted on the borders of the 17th Century map resemble people more than
the monsters in the Psalter map yet they are still a frightening image. (C)
Problem:______________________________________________________________________
___________.
Rewrite:
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___.
2) Ask any person on the street who was the most influential scientist of the twentieth
century, and they will inevitably tell you Albert Einstein. (N/P, awk syntax)
Problem:
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Rewrite:
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3) In Ruysch's time men have seen enough of the world to know of a T-O map's inaccuracy
and due to scientific advancement in the fields of mathematics and mapmaking tools,
cartography provided a more realistic impression of the land and sea which sailors saw.
(Tense, Commas, that/which)
Problem:
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______
Rewrite:
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4) We know this attitude, that communism represented a threat to national security, was
common at the time; an idea based on years of anti-Communist rhetoric. (Frag.)
Problem:
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_____
Rewrite:
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5) Young created the double-slit experiment, which was a source light shining through a
screen with two slits. There is also another screen behind the screen with the slits.
(Wordy, weak verbs, “there is,” tense.)
Problem:
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_____
Rewrite:
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6) The Bohr-Einstein debate (later to be known as the Copenhagen interpretation versus
Einstein, Podolsky and Rosen), was an argument of what was happening on an atomic
level.
Problem:
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Rewrite:
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7) The two factors of complementarity that contributes to its measurement are its mutual
exclusiveness and joint completion.
Problem:
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Rewrite:
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2
8) Niels Bohr, and his followers have felt that the discipline can paint an accurate and
comprehensive picture of reality even without obtaining all the information about the
reality of a given particle or wave.
Problem:
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______
Rewrite:
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9) They feel that the uncertainty accompanied with the measurement of such objects is not
due to the scientist’s ignorance, but actually due to an uncertainty built into the reality of
the particle or wave that will never allow a, “complete” description.
Problem:
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______
Rewrite:
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10) In the South among those that live and work closely with the majority of blacks we find
economics seem to hold a large part in determining the attitudes of whites toward blacks.
Those unlearned holding the most fear and prejudice.
Problem:
________________________________________________________________________
_____
Rewrite:
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11) After about a year of solely cashiering, the management decided that I could help out in
the Bake Shop, the Dunkin’ Donuts that was located inside the store and in the Florist
Department. (MM, ambiguous phrasing)
Problem:
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______
Rewrite:
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12) Artemio used an external mask to convince the public eye that he was a man of honor and
dignity and persuade others to trust his actions.
3
Problem:
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Rewrite:
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13) Einstein, by his own definition of completeness, feels the opposite and contrary to Bohr
and popular belief, feels such uncertainty has to do with our own lack of knowledge, and
that all values can be associated with reality, and if they aren’t, then it is because the
science is not complete.
Problem:
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Rewrite:
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14) The consequences of many of these changes will inevitably have a negative affect on the
!Kung cultural legacy.
Problem:
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______
Rewrite:
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15) Submitting to [Artemio Cruz] would involve admitting the death of her brother and also
force her to accept Artemio’s lie that he did not betray her brother. (Parallelism)
Problem:
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______
Rewrite:
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16) These equations state that the measured change in a particles position, and the measured
change in the particles momentum have a limit, that is, the precision of these two
measurements together has to be less than h/4.
Problem:
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Rewrite:
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4
17) The two physicists had argued back and forth through many thought experiments that
Einstein had created to beat the Uncertainty Principle, one example is the photon box.
Problem:
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______
Rewrite:
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18) In the most basic terms, a particle is a small piece of matter, that can be acted upon by
other particles.
Problem:
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Rewrite:
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19) One of the endearing hurdles of comprehension in quantum physics is the concept of the
wave-particle duality of light.
Problem:
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Rewrite:
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20) As American economic interests played out in Europe the Soviet Union’s desire to
control a large part of Eastern Europe became problematic.
Problem:
________________________________________________________________________
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Rewrite:
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BONUS:
Each correct answer is worth 10 pts.
21) Roosevelt seemed to genuinely want fair concessions for both the U.S. and Russia in the
post-war world, but Roosevelt and Stalin had very different concepts of fair. (S/I, awk
phrasing)
Problem:
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5
Rewrite:
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6
22) As different experiments yielded out different results – some conclusive and others being
complete failures – scientists around the globe tried to prove its classification. (Wordy,
parallelism, Ref. Note that this is the first sentence of a paragraph.)
Problem:
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Rewrite:
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23) Artemio joined the revolution for the same ideals as numerous other peasants had done:
to up rise and obtain independence from the land owners who exploited them. (Awk
phrasing. Just simplify to clarify.)
Problem:
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Rewrite:
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24) Most obviously affecting the American colonies’ freedom to take shape on their own was
simply the distance from the mother country. (Hmmm. Wordy. What’s the grammatical
subject?)
Problem:
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Rewrite:
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25) The Land Annuities Campaign was connected to the IRA. What they did was they would
collect money to help these farmers buy their farms back and would also help the farmers
hide the livestock and crops so when the English came to collect there would be nothing
there for them to take.
Problem:
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Rewrite:
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26) We are all taught from a very young age that slavery was an evil which has justly been
removed from our society.
7
Problem:
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Rewrite:
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8
27) Truman’s speech focuses often on “freeing the Greek peoples. But, freedom is never
defined in the speech, the historian John Fousack finds this a major fault, “in Truman’s
March 12 usage, and in the dominant U.S. foreign policy discourse. . .(etc.)”
Problem:
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Rewrite:
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28) The history of how he came to be this way is left out of the novel, but instead, he is
introduced in a way so the reader can see the complete and utter desolation in which he
deals with on an everyday basis.
Problem:
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______
Rewrite:
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9