Chains Loyalty Essay Revision
Use this revision sheet to edit and rewrite your essay on loyalty. You will need three different colors of
highlighters, a red pen, your original essay, and a sheet of notebook paper. You are literally breaking
apart your original essay. Take out what is bad writing and put it what is good writing.
1. Write your introduction on the lines below. Indicate the subject and predicate of every
sentence by drawing a line between them. The introduction is a good place for figurative
language.
Intro
a. Hook__________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
b. Detail_________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
c. Detail_________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
d. Detail_________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
e. Thesis_________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
2. Highlight the topic of your thesis in one color, and the opinion in a different color.
3. Highlight every pronoun with your third color.
4. Write your first body paragraph here. Again, indicate the subject and predicate of every
sentence. This paragraph should be about one character in Chains, and their idea of loyalty.
5. Did you use a Buzzword? Which one? __________
Chains Loyalty Essay Revision
Body 1
Claim__________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
Evidence_______________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
Detail_________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
Detail_________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
Commentary____________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
6. Evidence should be a direct quote from Chains. It should be correctly punctuated and cited.
7. Highlight every pronoun.
8. Your claim sentence should be directly related to your thesis. Draw a line from words in your
claim to the words in your thesis that are related.
9. Write your second body paragraph here. Again, indicate the subject and predicate of every
sentence. This paragraph should explain whether or not your character’s loyalty has changed
by the end of the novel, and if so, how. If your character’s loyalty has not changed, explain
another way they remain loyal to their cause.
10. Did you use a Buzzword? Which one? __________
Chains Loyalty Essay Revision
Body 2
Claim__________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
Evidence_______________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
Detail_________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
Detail_________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
Commentary____________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
11. Highlight every pronoun.
12. Your paragraph should be directly related to your thesis. Draw a line from words in your
paragraph to words in your thesis that are related ideas.
13. Write your third body paragraph here. Again, indicate the subject and predicate of every
sentence. This paragraph should be about YOUR ideas of loyalty.
14. Did you use a Buzzword? Which one? __________
Chains Loyalty Essay Revision
Body 3
Claim__________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
Evidence_______________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
Detail_________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
Detail_________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
Commentary____________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
15. Highlight every pronoun.
16. Your paragraph should be directly related to your thesis. Draw a line from words in your
paragraph to words in your thesis that are related ideas.
17. Did you use a Buzzword? Which one? __________
18. Write your conclusion paragraph here. Again, indicate the subject and predicate of every
sentence. This paragraph should be about what you want your readers to think about loyalty
after they’ve read your essay. This is a good place for figurative language.
Chains Loyalty Essay Revision
Conclusion
Claim__________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
Evidence_______________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
Detail_________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
Detail_________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
Commentary____________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
19. Your evidence should be what a loyal person is, or does.
20. Your commentary should be what you want your readers to do or think about loyalty.
21. Highlight every pronoun.
22. Your conclusion should relate to your thesis. Draw a line from words in your conclusion to
words in your thesis statement that are connected.
Complete this checklist, and then write your final draft on a separate sheet of paper.
1. You should have used five buzzwords in your essay. Circle them with red pen.
2. The pronouns in your introduction, body 1, and conclusion should all be third person.
3. The pronouns in your body 2 paragraph can be first person.