What is Sexual Violence?
The New York City Anti-Violence Project (AVP) defines sexual violence as any non-consensual act,
including any sexual act, attempted sexual act, sexual comments, or sexual advances by any person,
in any setting, to which you have not given your consent (verbal and non-verbal). Sexual violence
can look different in different situations, and can include:
Sexual harassment
Posting, sharing, and circulating pictures and video
Rape
Cat calls and street harassment
Exposure of someone’s body parts
Groping or touching your body
A different sexual act than the one you consented to
Who Can Commit Sexual Violence?
A person who does not have your consent to perform any sex act with you. These people can be
strangers or people you know, including partners, dates, family or friends, or they can be people to
whom you may turn for help, including law enforcement and service providers.
What Is Sexual Violence Within Relationships?
Sexual violence can occur in all kinds of relationships and settings, including, but not limited to:
Short-term or long-term dating
Partners--living together or living separately
Married couples
Polyamorous relationships
Monogamous relationships
Hookups with someone you meet online or over the phone
Within a family
Within friendships
At a play (sex) party
In a kink context, or bdsm scene
People you work with
Doctors, teachers, coaches, service providers, or law enforcement
When Is Sexual Violence Also Hate Violence?
Sometimes sexual violence occurs because a person is targeted for their actual or perceived identity,
including their gender identity or sexual orientation. This type of sexual violence intends to punish the
survivor and attempts to use hate and sexual violence to change their sexual orientation or gender
identity.
What is Consent?
Consent is agreeing to engage in a specific sexual activity. It is about clearly communicating your
boundaries about what you do and do not want to do. You never have to do anything you don’t want
to do. Consent can be communicated both verbally and non-verbally.
Tell, don’t ask. You decide what your boundaries are; no one else decides that for you, and you don’t
have to ask for anyone’s permission in developing your boundaries.
If you cannot say “no” comfortably or safely, that is not consent. Giving in because of fear,
intimidation, or pressure is not consent—that is coercion. If you don’t understand what’s being asked
of you, or you can’t communicate your consent physically or verbally, then you have not given
consent.
How Do I Give, Change, or Take Away Consent?
You can give, change, or take away consent using clear communication in many ways—with touches,
gestures, and words. Here are some examples:
“Yes, we can have sex.”
“I’m ok with that.”
“Yes, you can put that picture/video up on Facebook.”
“I would like it if you did _____ to or with me. Would you like to?”
“I don’t want to ______, but I would like to _______.”
“I would never do that.”
If someone tries to touch or do something to you, you can communicate “no” by shaking your
head, pushing them away, or moving away.
You can convey consent by nodding “yes,” pulling someone in to you, and other non-verbal
communication.
If you consent to a sex act, you can change your mind at any moment and communicate that in any
way that works for you—no matter how far you’ve gone. Negotiating consent can be fun, sexy, and a
way to explore what sex acts you’re comfortable with. Remember that everyone involved in a sex act
decides for themselves when to give or take back consent, and can do so at any time. Some people
create a safeword to let their partners know they want a scene or sex act to stop, which is taking back
consent. If you and your partners agree to a safeword, but when you use it, your partners don’t stop,
that is coercion and not consent.
If you have experienced sexual violence, it is not your fault. Remember:
If you were using alcohol or drugs when you experience sexual violence, it is NOT your fault.
If you attend a party with friends or people you don’t know, it is NOT your fault if your drink is
drugged.
If you consent to one sexual act with someone, it is NOT okay for them to assume you’re consenting
to all or any other sexual acts with them.
If you negotiate and engage in a BDSM scene or kink, it is NOT your fault if your safeword or
boundaries are not respected or maintained.
If you decide to spend time with someone you don’t know well or who you haven’t met before, it is
NOT your fault if unwanted sexual acts happen.
If you hook up with someone through the internet, or exchange sex for money or drugs, you can still
say “no” at any point, and it is NOT your fault if someone ignores when you say “no.”
If you are in a relationship, you can still say “no” to any sex acts, and it is NOT your fault if you
experience sexual violence.
Staying Safe
Have a safety plan: Let someone know your plans- who you will be with, the location of your
meeting place, the phone number of the person you are meeting, and your plans for the
evening. If you met someone online or via a phone application, remember the name of the
website/phone application and the username or handle they used for their profile. Give this
information to people you are comfortable sharing with before you go out. Talk with your
friends about ways that you can support each other. Plan in advance what will happen if you
feel unsafe and need to contact them – will they come to you? Will they call the police? Will
they meet you somewhere?
Choose a safety word you can text or tell a friend. Consider arranging a time to check in with a
friend to let them know you are safe. Agree on your plan before you go out.
Leave a trail and use your technology: Text yourself or friends about where you’ll be or where
you are throughout the night. Save messages on Facebook, MySpace, OKCupid, Grindr, etc.
Make sure your cell phone is with you and charged, if you have one.
On bathrooms and other public spaces: Be aware that incidents can occur in these locations.
Be aware of others in the restroom. Stay near the exit where possible. Use single stall
restrooms where available, and if you feel uncomfortable find a different restroom to use.
Be aware of your surroundings: Let friends, other patrons or bar/nightclub staff know if you
leave temporarily and when you will return. When you are outside, scan the street for
establishments (such as a bodega, car service, or other 24-hour establishment) where you can
seek help if you feel unsafe. Be aware of exits and other escape routes, even if you’re familiar
with the location.
Try to avoid isolated areas. Meet a date in a public space.
Make up a reason to leave if you’re uncomfortable. If you are afraid that hurting the person’s
feelings puts you at greater risk, make up a reason to leave, rather than stay and be
uncomfortable, scared, or in danger.
Open drinks and containers yourself. Never leave drinks unattended.
Trust your instincts: If you feel threatened or unsafe at any point, when possible leave the area
as quickly as possible.
You can say no: No matter who initiates or how far you’ve gone, you can stop at any time for
any reason.
Get involved! To help keep our communities safe, get involved with AVP’s community
organizing work. Help develop our programs and projects to create safer LGBTQ and HIVaffected communities.
Getting Support
If possible, consider medical attention or getting counseling after any incident: Violence can
create many physical and emotional issues.
Document the incident: Take photos of any injuries; keep records of emails, texts, calls.
Take care of yourself by utilizing supportive friends, partners and family.
Call AVP! AVP is here to support survivors of all forms of violence, including pick up, dating,
sexual, intimate partner, hate, and police violence. If you have witnessed or experienced
violence, we encourage you to call our 24-hour bilingual (English/Spanish) hotline at (212)
714-1141, where you can speak with a counselor. You can also use our confidential online
reporting form at www.avp.org.
Find out more about the New York City Anti-Violence Project at our website (avp.org) and
Facebook page (Facebook/antiviolence).