COMPASSION AND YOUTHS IN FOSTER CARE
Prepared by Abdul Aziz Said
Mohammed Said Farsi Chair of Islamic Peace
School of International Service, American University
Washington, DC
Submitted to National Youth Advocate Program
Matteson, IL
June 7, 2012
INTRODUCTION:
Here are three sections of notes that you might find helpful for foster parents of youths
with criminal records. The first section consists of practical points—what foster parents
can do—because that’s probably what the foster parent wants to hear about first—what to
do.
The second section defines compassion and gives a few methods to generate it. The
prominence of compassion for the talk title is certainly paramount, because without
compassion, action will often be harmful even when the form of the action is mechanically
called for.
The third and final section consists of conceptual considerations showing that
compassion, love, peace, wisdom, and happiness are one. This expands the importance of
compassion by bringing out its inner interconnections with other values.
I. PRACTICAL POINTS OF COMPASSION
1. Don’t label them. This solidifies their self-definition as incorrigibly anti-social.
2. Spend time with them.
o This time should be “heart time.” Heart time is time when you’re In The
Moment. This is also time when your attention is committed to being with the
foster child.
 It’s being fully mindful, attentive, and present in the moment—whether
you are with the child, with other people, or alone.
 It is there regardless of what you are doing. Compassion is possible at
any and every moment, with any and every person.
o This fullness of presence and attention is the healing effect of compassion.
 But some foster children are not open to it.
 For example, some chronic offenders are sociopaths (“anti-social
personality disorder”). Such kids do not respond to therapy. See Martha
Stout’s well-documented book The Sociopath Next Door, or the Wikipedia
article on “sociopathy.”
2
If this is the case with your foster child, the healthiest response for your
own well-being is to continue with the full attention of compassion.
 It is certain that your compassionate attention is having a longterm, deep effect on the child.
3. Do productive work along with them
o Examples are housework, yard work, auto maintenance, and employing the
youth in the family business.
o Give attention to their school work done at home.
o Be relaxed and don’t complain about the work you do with the child—enjoy it.
o Be friendly in the work environment.
o Help the youth to feel connected with you and share your positiveness about the
work.
4. Reward the child for positive actions and words, especially when these are the opposite
kind of actions and words that got them arrested.
o The rewards can be points, recognition, smiles, time off, or money.
5. Keep them from socializing with other criminal or delinquent youth.
6. Get them to socialize with socially restrained youth. Hopefully, there will be some
ethical youth in church youth groups.
7. When you have to restrict the child’s liberty, or assign them an unpleasant job, or
explain the wrongness of something they’ve done, if possible do so without anger.
o But be “straight” with them. That is, explain what the problem is directly and
clearly—but with friendship, peace.
8. Don’t let yourself be dominated by the child. Anti-social personality types will attempt
dominating all others, including authority figures.
o Your superior power must be plain, an inescapable background feature. Your
being associated (and therefore a kind of extension or representative of the
court) helps. So does your being the dispenser—or withholder—of money, food,
shelter, and other benefits.
o But your personal power, out of an unmovable center, will still be necessary.
9. Do not entertain expectations that the foster care will reform the youth. Then the
chances are maximal that it will.
10. Tolerance of anti-social actions, lying, and verbal abuse will only strengthen these
negative tendencies.
o For self-protection, as well as not to reinforce anti-social behavior, you may have
to let the child go back to institutional restraint. If so, don’t feel like a failure.
11. Pray or meditate on the child. In solitude—and in action—hold them in your heart.
12. Remember God.
13. Continue your spiritual practices and exercises.

II. GENERATING COMPASSION
1. This talk is entitled “Compassion” in order to bring out that the nature and list of
activities is less important than the compassionate energy with which they are
conceived of and done. This is so even (and especially) when the actions have to be
enforced, and when they involve criticism or withholding of benefits from the youth.
2. What is compassion? The conscious tendency to relieve suffering.
o What is suffering? Negative emotions.
3
3.
4.
5.
6.
o What makes an emotion negative? Desire. Aversion—such as fear and anger—is
also desires, namely, desire that something or somebody not exist, or be
destroyed, or be hurt.
 The desire that somebody be hurt is the desire that they not be happy.
That is also partial destruction of their ability to function, and thus of
their existence.
Consciousness itself is what dissolves suffering, starting with the suffering of the person
who becomes more conscious. So compassion, the conscious tendency to relieve
suffering, is simply high, pure consciousness itself.
o The obviousness of this compassionate action of pure consciousness—relieving
suffering—is available any time you find a fear or an addictive desire checked
(that is, reduced), for at least a few seconds, merely by becoming aware of it.
o What is pure consciousness? Consciousness without any thoughts, or other
mental formations.
 This is what sees, or knows, negative emotions and thoughts.
 And this is what weakens them.
So the basic method to increase your compassion is to increase your consciousness.
What are some particular methods?
o Keep your mind on the present moment. Don’t wander off in flights of thought.
o Practice formal sitting meditation.
o Do any other spiritual exercises.
o Listen to good music—including devotional music, music that invokes or dwells
upon the Divine.
o Remember God.
This section does not describe programs or activities that express compassion, or that
ameliorate or heal the offending adolescent. The first section did that—because that is
what the foster parent wants to hear about first. But the essence of any compassionate
action is less the action than the compassion. Existentially, first must come the elevated
consciousness of compassion. Once that is there, then all actions expressed from it will
be helpful to the child, if anything can help.
o The reason why the lists of practices above are compassionate practices can now
be understood. They are compassionate actions primarily because they issue
from compassion on the part of foster parents and therapists.
o The fact that they have the effect of reducing negative emotions in the offending
youth—the origin of her or his offenses—is secondary; it’s secondary to the fact
that these actions contain and are shaped by compassion, the conscious
tendency to reduce suffering in delinquent youth (and all others).
Next—and finally—we look at the relation among compassion, love, peace, happiness,
and wisdom.
III. COMPASSION, LOVE, PEACE, HAPPINESS, AND WISDOM
Compassion is the conscious tendency to eliminate suffering. Love is the happy state of
unconditional, total acceptance of what is, and the happy, conscious tendency to impart
happiness to others. Peace is stillness of thoughts and mental formations. Happiness is
vibrant peace of consciousness. Suffering is desire. Wisdom is knowing without thinking.
4
Repeat:

PEACE IS LOVE. Peace = Stillness of thoughts and mental formations = Total
acceptance of what is = Love

LOVE IS HAPPINESS. This follows directly from the definition of love as the happy
state of unconditional acceptance of what is.

PEACE IS HAPPINESS. Peace = Love = Happiness

COMPASSION IS LOVE. Compassion = The conscious tendency to eliminate suffering =
The conscious tendency to remove desires = The conscious tendency to impart stillness
of mind = The conscious tendency to impart peace = The conscious tendency to impart
happiness = Love

COMPASSION IS HAPPINESS. Compassion = Love = Happiness

COMPASSION IS PEACE. Compassion = Love = Peace

WISDOM IS PEACE. Wisdom = Knowing without thinking = Consciousness without
mental movements in thoughts and desires = Still consciousness = Peace

WISDOM IS PEACE, HAPPINESS, COMPASSION, AND LOVE. Wisdom = Peace =
happiness = Compassion = Love