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Literary Editor
Art Editor
Brian Fugate
Tom Podejko
Literary Advisor
Art Advisor
Frank Edmund Smith
Paul Andrew E. Smith
Literary Judges
Art Judges
Anjelica Honeycutt
Amber Abboud
Ali Zaidi
Chris Cutch
Guy Landgraf
Charen Linder
John Lech
Cover Art
AJt� f./.� �A>f./. /.1fAf iff l>�Af./. ...
acrylics 30 x 20
Bridget Bartholomae
Professional Services
John Callahan, Photography
Vis-0-Graphic Printing, Inc., Printing
Point of View, a publication of literary and visual creative works, is selected,
edited and
produced by students. Anyone-student, faculty, staff, administration-connected to
Harper College may submit their work. Sponsored by Student Activities, William Rainey
Harper College in cooperation with the Liberal Arts Division. Cash awards for outstanding
writing and art funded by The Harper College Foundation.
Special thanks to John Callahan, Harley Chapman, Richard Johnson, Cathy
Lindstrom, Kurt Neumann, Jeanne Pankanin, Tony Trigilio, Andrew Wilson, Joan Young.
Copyright © 1999 William Rainey Harper College
1200 West Algonquin Road
Palatine IL 60067
All rights to creative work belong to their respective creators.
Printed on recycled paper
0
Linda Baldwin
Susan H. Chun *
28
13
Inside Out
Bridget Bartholomae ***
cover
and the earth holds its breath ...
Colleen Gentry
4
Depth
36
Untitled
Represented With Symmetrical Shapes
Human Hand Composed Of
Worms Grasping An Apple
25
Old School Player
Glass
31
Conversations With Spaceman
David J. Marshall **
Heliocentric
Debbie Pickup
37
Ed Kowalczyk
Treppe
Kameraden
Shannon Plate
Guy Landgraff, Jr.
29
42
Dance of Fire
30
Figure in Distress
Untitled
Bryan Weiss
10
Jennifer Lesiak
1
Peacoat
Steve Kim
5
Festus ],,. Johnson
27
That Damn Smile
Roya Kashanian
And Towers Composed Of Human Hands
20
21
3
Figures Emerging From The Clouds
11
Clinton Harman
Allison Herbon
Buddy Hanson
9
Winding Up, Running Down
Untitled
untitled
Owen Lloyd
19
Bubbles
Eugenia Makowski
2
Arch
26
Seven Pointed Star For Jessie
24
Twelve Fishermen And A Guide
Point of View Award*
Winner of the Vivian Steward Award**
George Voegel
12
Winner of the
Winner of the Ray Mills Award***
Emerging Knowledge
HARPER COLLEGE LIBRARY
PAI
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,
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'rw11s 60067
untitled
Photo 8x10
Jennifer Lesiak
•.'
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limestone
Eugenia Makowski
Allison Herbon
Lost inside its
navy blue arms,
two missing buttons,
where they landed,
I can only wonder. . .
The crashing seas of Vietnam,
rolling green pastures
of Portugal, through the
chilly nights of Spain.
I can smell the memories
in the thick wool,
trapped within the lining,
nested in the pockets,
are stories of times past:
A man lands on the moon,
while a young sailor dances
to the Stones, sharing a kiss
with his would be wife.
The laughs and
tears weaved
inside of each
single thread.
The worn and torn
cuff that
brushed against their
clenched hands still
lies ripped.
The floppy long lapels
once beaded with sweat
from a nervous sailor grasping
a gold ring in his hand.
and now. .
it's my turn.
My chance to
kiss the foreign air,
and experience life
in its immense arms.
1>1.,tlt
photo 4x6
Colleen Gentry
bouncing ato m s and ideas i n h i s bra i n
coa l esce, h e attem pted t o vertical l y
bala nce a black pencil o n the p o l i s h e d
David J. Marshall
d e s k , u s i n g the sharpened s i d e . Each
effort fai l e d , of course . The p i n k eraser
fal l i n g one way, then the other, a s if it
I.
Sitting i n h i s Buick i n a bitch of a jam
on the 1-90 i n boun d , Greg Kepler
watched the crying jets on approach
d e speratel y trying to land at O' H are
I nternati o n a l .
It was a Bad Sun Day, the
four hundred and sixty-th ird, according to
the n ewsm a n on the crackling car rad i o .
T h e angry S u n oscil late d , alternating
between bright and d i m , large and s m a l l ,
pus h i n g a n d t h e n pul l i n g t h e s l e e k metal
airs h i p s .
The first j e t , a s m all J etstream 31,
Greg watche d strugg l e throug h what
looked l i ke icing conditions. The nose
s a n k too quickly, the left wing skidded
and s p arked o n the cement, i g n iting the
fuel a l m ost i nstantly. The explosion was
anti-cl i mactic, like ripe watermelon
dropped by a clumsy grocer, thudding
a n d s p l a s h i ng to a clean floor.
The n ext, a DC-10, Greg watched
v i brate i n m i d a ir, as an e n g i n e and pylon
s eparated from the i m mense left wing
l i ke leaves from a branch. The giant
rol l e d , col l i d i n g a l m ost perpendicular with
the grou n d , a ste l lar flash outs h i n i ng the
Sun , the sonic b last shaking six lanes of
cars o n the freeway, causi n g Greg to
steady h im self on the whe e l .
The last, a 747, h u m m e d l i ke a tenor
god swooping down over the houses,
bui l d i n g s and cars, tra i l i n g m isty fuel .
Greg closed h i s eyes a s i t passed over
h i m , i ma g i n i n g s i l ver metal growing black
feathered wings and red eyes, then
swa l lowing itself i n fire, fl i n g i n g one p i l lar
of white s m oke, one b lack.
The burn i n g Sun shook s l i g htly, l ike a
bad comedian h o l d s i n laughter born of
h i s own d evice .
·11.
Greg Kepler sat i n h i s corner office,
waitin g for his boss. Trying to let the
were the bobbing head of someone
tryin g to stay awake. S o m ewhere i n his
m i n d , Greg knew h e could d o it. I f the a ir
cond itioning quit for one seco n d , or the
Arma n i dick i n the n ext office stopped
talking o n the p h o n e , or if gravity
surrendered its perpetual strugg l e for a
moment, a brief cease-fire, Greg knew it
was possi b l e . He released the penci l . I t
fel l , r o l l e d t o the edge of the desk, a n d
t h e n dropped, h ittin g the h ard floor
musica l ly , bouncing exactly four tim e s .
Wendel wal ke d into Greg's office
without knocki ng a n d quickly closed the
door. "Where the fuck have you been?
My God, what the fuck. Three damn
weeks, Gre g . What the fuck?"
Greg sat cal m ly , knowing Wendel
needed him. Wendel wiped the sweat
fro m h i s balding foreh e a d . Greg smile d ,
remembering Wendel's s h a g g y brown
head of hair back i n '67 r i g ht out of
college at that recruitment s e m i n ar for
the NTS B .
Wendel s i g h e d , cal m i n g h im s e lf .
"You h a v e t o d o th i s one, Greg . T h i s i s a
big one. You've heard a bout the
M id-east Commuter crash?"
"Ye s , " said Gre g , "Are they all d ea d ?"
"Ye s . Please, Greg . They're o n e of
our biggest clients. You've g otta d o it. I
d on't know where you've been or what
the hell i s going on with you, but you've
just gotta."
" I ' l l need to see the site , " Greg said,
standing up and strai g h te n i n g h i s b l ack
jacket.
"Thank G o d , " said Wen d e l , risi n g ,
s i g h i n g a g a i n . "Th a n k G o d . "
Greg looked at the floor a n d s a i d ,
"But that's it Wendel . . . l ' m out, effective
today."
Tur n i n g to the d oor, Greg wal ked out
The cause of this cras h was easy to
fi n d . Almost four years a g o , the Sun
of h i s office for the last t i m e .
beca m e jeal ous and a n g ry , perio d i ca l l y
We ndel stood a l o n e , l o o k i n g left to
right with h i s h a n d in h i s pocket l i ke a
i n creasing a n d decreasing i t s gravity: t h e
m a n in an e m p ty parki ng lot gripping his
s a m e exact d a y t h a t Greg Kepler q u i t a s
keys , sud d e n ly realizing h i s car has been
chief i nvestigator for the NTS B . Greg
sto l e n .
looked up at the pulsating s p h ere in the
111.
ora nge sky and squinte d .
how hard it was to find caus e s .
On the way to the site, Greg sat i n
Now it
just looked at him, at everyo n e , n ever
dead traffic a n d h i s thoughts drifted away
from the k i l l i n g Sun . H e thought of the
blinking.
heave n , of the bed in Champaign with
V.
Helen.
He th oug h t of
Later at the press conferen ce
Greg left the pod ium ; the reporters'
No young women were named
faces were s prinkled with tears . They
H e len a nymore, h e thought, nor d i d they
launch a thous a n d ships. Greg tried to
cried l i ke new hungry birds fi n a l l y being
leave the bed of the small hotel after a
fed . H e answered the "what' a n d "how,"
week, getti n g as far as the front desk.
and even the "who i s res p o n s i b l e" with
The heavy night aud itor looked up from
the ease of giving a child chocolate .
h i s com puter sus piciously, seeing Greg
Because he knew the real question was
stop a n d turn around . Greg knew then
"why . " Why were they torn away so
that the Sun did not m atter, and he
quickly? Why does love have to d i e ?
wa l ke d back to room 128.
W h y do things l i ke this h a p p e n ?
He opened
the d o or without soun d , s l i pped off h i s
Knowi ng t h e s e , Greg a p p e a s e d a n d
s h irt a n d pants quietly, a n d s l i d under t h e
broke the most damaging inquisitors.
s h e ets l i ke a dolp h i n i nto water. Greg
With each word , h e lessened the d o llar
p a l m e d her s l e e p i n g s houlder. With h i s
i m pact on h is client, each surviving f a m i l y
i ndex fi n g er, h e m a d e s m a l l circles
m e m bers settling for o n e m i l l i o n i n stead
around the nub of skin where her left arm
of two, perh aps. He control l e d the press
used to be.
room l i ke a great conductor, ra i s i n g h i s
IV.
h a n d , cal l i n g u p sections to s i ng their
A s a spokesperson for Mammoth
parts, and Greg would set them down,
I n sura nce, Greg Kepler did not really
knowing the answers they wante d .
have authority or access to cras h s ites.
Orbiti ng h i m l i ke a sun , t h e reporters
But h e was a l e g e n d .
asked questions of b l a m e a n d justice,
N ow, h e just walked l i ke a stiff J esus
forgetting i n the bare heat of his center.
throug h the hot a s h , pointing out burn
Backstage, three i nterns i n navy blue
h o l es to NTSB i n vestigators , tel l i n g them
suits cried, staring at Greg Kepler,
to mark the ground where bodies fel l . H e
wa nting to follow him out the door.
would tel l the others w h a t t o look for, a n d
We ndel, hel pless as a mustached
t h e y would pick up a n d b a g el ectrical
man i n a black hat at high n o o n , watched
wire s , scrap e blood off of control panels
Greg leave without saying good-bye .
as h e tal ke d , write i n their notepads.
VI.
Greg n ever h a d to i nterv i ew
Greg Kepler wal ked throug h h i s
survivors . They a l l died for h i m . H e used
kitch e n , unfl inch i n g , as A m a n d a cried
to keep count, until ten years ago when
and threw pots and pans at h i m . M ost of
H el e n l i v e d .
them missed, passing harm lessly by l i ke
It s h ouldn't have been
surpr i s i n g , h e knew, for there were plenty
comets. Each one an expression, each
of i n stances i nvolving survivors.
one g laring a n d burn i n g .
6
On Saturday of the third week, Greg
H e trotted up the stairs and A manda
sat d own o n the plastic covered couch
Kepler sat on the bed a n d tried to
with her face in h er hands screaming
convince her, and h i mself, that h e must
a b out three weeks, cold d i nners and
go back for a wh i l e . H el e n stood s m i l i n g ,
fal l i n g jets . H er curly black hair wrapped
looking down on h i m . S h e was not
i n and out of her fi n gers as s h e
l iste n i n g , just s h i n i n g , a n d h e coul d n ot
hear h i s own words with h er looking this
convulse d .
way. So h e bowed his head to shade
After gra b b i n g t h e p apers h e needed,
Greg trotted down the stairs and out the
h i mself from h er.
front door.
VI I I .
He tri e d to use his cell phone,
Greg remem bered a s i m i l ar m o ment
but the d a m n Sun, playing h e l l , fucked
up the s i g n a l , throbbing and flash ing
with Amanda. S h e wiped h i s fevered
against the win d s h i el d of Greg's car.
forehead with a cool, d a m p cloth . Greg
Kepler lay del irious, the m o i st cloth the
Backing out a n d s h ifting into first,
Greg sti l l felt A manda's pull, her
only feeling, her pale face the o n l y th ing
twenty-year tug over h i m . The look of her
h e could see.
wh ite face buried in her own hands
IX.
N ow, ten years after H e len's cra s h in
entra nced a n d a l m ost lured h i m . But
H e len's new gravity charmed h i m . The
Chicago, Greg drove to C h a m p a i g n in
C h a m p a i g n bed magnetized and
the mid-afternoon Sun . H e could see
polarize d .
many cars stranded on the roadway.
V I I . . . . of t h e heaven, o f t h e b e d i n
Electrical problems, he thought.
Champaign. . .
Sometimes h e saw a fire-truck or an
a mbulance wh i p by. He tried not to t h i n k
The b e d was s m a l l for a que e n . I t
w a s probably just a large s i ngle. T h e
t o o much about H e l e n , but h e kept
h otel was not the best, but it was cleaner
remembering her bloody face a s a
than m ost. Greg d i d n ot notice the
seven-year o l d , lying in the bus h e s , not
comforter's n asty green color unti l the
making a soun d , i n the rai n and darkness
first morn i n g , when the Sun came out.
beside the burni n g p l a n e .
S o m e mornings they would not move.
her suddenly, n early a n h our after the
He cam e upon
Greg could feel the world moving all
crash when they had a lready stopped
around outsi d e the room , as if it were the
looking for l i fe among the 155
center. Greg would stare at the ceil i ng,
passengers. S h e gripped h er s houlder
s m i l i n g and breath i n g . Then he would
where h er arm once was, o n e of her
look at h er preten d i n g to be asleep. H e
white snea kers m i s s i n g . S h e just l o o ke d
stared a t t h e i n d e ntion i n h er s h oulder
at h i m , un bl i n king, and breathe d . Greg
where the s k i n s a n k i nto the socket. S h e
called for one of the param ed ics a s he
w a s s o s k i n n y , a l m ost haggard a n d her
picked her up a n d started run n i n g . H e
rem a i n i n g arm was o nly skin and bone.
handed her to a very tall m a n i n wh ite
Greg won d ered why s h e d i d not wear a
and that was it.
I t took many m o nths for Greg and h i s
prosthetic arm, but he was glad she d i d
n o t . The red s car started on h er
team t o find t h e cause o f t h e cra s h . I t
s h oulder a n d went a l l the way up to her
was e lectrical pro b l e m s , n o t caused b y
cheek; he had traced it so many times
an angry Sun, but from m i s ca lculations
with his l i p s . H er l ight brown hair fel l on
on a maintenance chart.
h er p a l e n ec k n ear her jugular, making
Ten years ago s h e was gone i n an
Greg won d er i f the metal had s hifted just
ambulance . N ow h e was on his way back
a l ittle m ore to the left, where would she
to her.
b e right n ow .
'
Three weeks a g o , she came up to
"What were you stu d y i n g ?" h e asked.
Greg w h i l e he was speaking at a semi nar
Helen took i n a long breath . She let it
on beginning in the public relations
out slowly before speaki n g .
i ndustry at the university i n Champa i g n .
" D i d y o u know they u s e d t o t h i n k
Earth was the center of it a l l . . . I forget the
"Do you r e m e mber m e ?" H e l e n
asked .
word for it."
Greg looked at h er eyes as she
Do you rem e m ber me?
X.
stared up into the sky.
When Greg Kepler fi nally arrived at
His h a n d slid
across her face feelin g the scars and red
blotches of youth .
the s m a l l h otel it was dark. H e turned off
H elen said, "Geocentric , that's
the car a n d sat for a moment. The
it. . . that's it."
o n s l a u g h t of the Sun behind h i m , he
Greg stood up and lifted h er easily.
breathe d easier as his chest rose with
air. He g ot out of the Bu ick and locked it.
As h e carried h er, s h e kissed h i s ear
Wal k i n g toward the s m a l l hotel , Greg
lightly, her breath s h ort and wispy l i ke
saw a figure n ear the d i m b l ue l ights of
she was a l most
the p o o l . H el e n cal l e d , "Greg . . . Greg . . . it's
talking to h i m . She clung tight with h er
me, Greg . " He wal ked to the gate and
arm around h i s neck. H e walked throu g h
raised the latch , swi nging it open.
t h e gate , leaving it o p e n , u p to t h e
H elen's s l i g h t body lay spread on a deck
heaven, t o t h e b e d i n C h a m p a i g n .
chair in the dark, recli n e d , a l m ost to the
?
On the other side of the Earth , the
point of looking straight up. Greg m oved
fluxi ng S u n j u st began to rise, as people
a n earby chair n ext to her and sat,
b e n d i n g to kiss her cheek. She d i d not
screamed and fires burne d . J et p l a n e s
look at h i m , but s m i l e d , running her only
crashed and c e l l phones malfu ncti o n e d .
h a n d throu g h h er h a ir, sti l l looking a l most
T h e angry S u n w o u l d never surrender its
stra i g h t u p at th e light points i n the s ky.
perpetual struggle for a m o me nt, n ever
Each o n e a sun, or a galaxy of suns.
be intimidated by the green fields , t h e
H er textbooks lay toppled n ext to her
b l u e ocean, poetry or the whisper- l i ke
chair: Astronomy, Strunk and Wh ite,
kiss of a woma n .
E co n o m i cs , and P u b l i c R elations.
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Buddy Hanson
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Bryan Weiss
Blisters in the palm of your hand.
Your strained back is holding on­
For that last mile, two or three?
Dust settles at the bottom of your stomach,
And dry tears vent your frustration.
Lifting your eyes from the bottom of the lake,
You peer through the sunset splashed orange, yellow, and red
And it reminds you of tomorrow.
The mist from the lake, hot coffee and fire.
Nothing but a smile.
. . . And out from your final hopes and wishes, is the land you've been dying to see.
It rings like church bells on Sunday morning.
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charcoal pencils 8x12
Buddy Hanson
(opposite)
10
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wood log carved l 8x3 7x26
George Voegel
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Susan H. Chun
h i mself a cup of coffee. "A p h o b i a of
yours, isn't it?"
"I saw my share of them durin g h i g h
school-my dates always s e e m ed to
choose scary movies , " s h e said wh ile
writing out her list of erra n d s for that day.
"And it's not a p h o b i a , exactly. It's just
that being terrified is n ot my idea of a n
Carter H ig g i n s loved h i s wind-up
clocks. No d i g ital clocks, no timepieces
dependent on e l e ctricity o r battery-power
enterta i n i ng e scape. Besides, I h a v e n o
pro b l e m , as i t i s , envisioning d a n g e r a n d
gruesome death-my fearful i mag i nation
were a l lowed i n h i s h o m e . The wind-up
needs no audiovisual assistance . " H e r
clocks were so cheerful, he thoug ht, with
brow furrowed s l ightly as s h e opened the
the i r round faces and b i g , easily readable
refrigerator, her eyes surveying the
numbers ; they b ri ghtened up any room .
contents. "Low-fat cream cheese . . . turkey
Most o f a l l , h e loved their loud ticki ng­
cold cuts . . . more juice boxe s , " s h e
the louder, the better. The ubiquitous
muttere d , a d d i n g t o her l ist. "Anyway,
ticki n g lent to his h o m e the air of some
finely crafted , well-oiled network of
mach i n e ry . In a l l , there were seven such
rem i n d me agai n . Just what, exactly , d o
you have against digital clocks?"
Carter put down his coffee cup ,
clocks ticki n g away among the ultra­
splashing a little o nto t h e countertop .
modern furn i s h i n g s a n d state-of-the-art
"What, those useless th i n g s? That
e lectron i cs in their Long I s land home. I t
d i s play only the h our a n d m i nutes? Why,
w a s a s m all d a i l y productio n , the winding
they ignore seconds e ntirely-as though
of the clocks. The pla nts went thirsty, the
seconds d o not even exist!" h e huffed .
lawn g rew i nto wild jungles of grass and
"Actually, you just press a button a n d
weeds , but the clocks never ran down,
switch modes when you want the
never m issed a beat-Carter made sure
seconds. And I th i n k most d ig ital clocks
of it.
H i s wife , E m m a , did n ot share his
e nthusiasm for the wind-up clocks. She
found the loud tickin g quite i rritating­
excruciating even, i n that steady,
rel entless manner of Chinese water
torture . S h e hated how the ticking made
have a flash ing colon that blinks for
every secon d . "
"You want m e t o stare at the clock
and count the b l i n ks every ti m e I need to
know how many seco n d s have passed?
Really, E m m a . "
"First of a l l , just what activity of yours
the m ost l eisurely of tasks seem
necessitates counting the seco n d s?
desperately urgent; sometimes she felt
Second ly, given your time-sensitive
flustered , rush e d . "I feel l i ke a doomed
endeavors, wouldn't a stopwatch m a ke
coed i n one of those teen slasher
movies , " E m m a g rumble d . "The
pro m i scuous twit who gets hacked to bits
by a h ockey-m a s k-wearing psychopath
s i m p l y because her trembling hands can't
s l i d e the car key i nto the lock i n time. A
s i m p l e , quick task n o rmally, but nearly
i m possible und e r p ressure . "
" I thought y o u never watched horror
flicks , " Carter teased as he poured for
the most sense? If tim e is of the
essence, wouldn't you rather h av e the
precision of a stopwatch?"
Although Carter loved h i s wife a g reat
deal, h e sometimes regretted m a rryi n g a
lawyer. Why d o lawyers seem always to
preface and number-off their arguments
with words l i ke "second ly?" he wondere d .
And Emma's sentences were often
littered with legalese-p h rases like "ti m e
is of the e ssence , " for which l awyers
whi l e actually i n the m o m e nt. I t was h i s
have a great affi n ity.
way t o anticipate a pleasure with great
zeal-often to the point of obsession­
"You're m i s s i n g the point, rea lly.
Wind-ups are q u a int. They're . . .
only to detach h i m self a second after
reassuri n g , don't you t h i n k?" h e asked .
attai nment. Once attai ned , a pleasure
i m m ediately began to lose its h o l d over
"Reassuring? H ow? For puppies,
maybe-I 've h eard that puppies are
h i m , replaced by a frenzied q u e st for the
soothed by the ticking s o u n d . It reminds
next experience, another fleeti n g
the p up py of the m aternal heartbeat,
sensatio n . Moments, b o t h great a n d
they say. Is that what you mean by
s m a l l , s i m ply d i d not cli ng to h i m .
reassuring?" E m m a ' s m outh twisted i nto
Perhaps, h e thought, that exp l a i n s m y
a s m i l e . " I s that it? Do you miss Mother
affinity for these l o u d l y ticking clocks; it's
H i g g i n s?" E m m a was tireless on the
my attem pt to capture and savor each
s u bject of q u irky El eanor H i ggins, the
moment. H e s m i l e d , first with a p uffed-u p
psych o l o gist who had pioneered the field
sense o f h i s philosophical bent, then with
of g e nder deve lo p ment a n d the
the realization that (as with many t h i n g s
psychology of sex roles. Carter had had
d uring the course of t h e i r m arriage) h i s
an eccentric, "gender-neutral"
stubborn and extrem e fondness f o r the
u pbrin g i n g , pro v i d i n g E m m a with m uch
clocks was more a reaction a g a i n st
materia l to use a t d in ner parties and
Emma's position than a passion
other s ocial occasions ("When Carter
genui nely felt on m erits . M arriage often
was four, h i s mother gave h i m both a
had a polarizing effect on h i s and her
baseball bat a n d a p i n k purse for
opinions , pushing each i nto rather
Christmas , " E m m a bla bbed to friends).
extreme positions-one of the few
hazards , perhaps, of cho o s i n g a lawyer
Carter ignored E m ma's remark about
for one's spouse.
h i s moth er a n d tried a d ifferent tack. " It's
v e ry Zen, is what I m e a n . Every tick is l ife
Carter had to a d m it (tho u g h o n l y to
affir m i n g : Tick-you are here ! Tick-you
h imself, of course) that even h e fou n d
are sti l l here! A constant rem i nder to l ive
t h e l o u d ticki ng q u ite d istracti n g at t i m e s .
in the m o m e n t . " I t was Carter's turn to
R e a d i n g w a s often d ifficult, s o m e t i m e s
s m i l e sardonically. "You , Miss Yoga­
i m possible. B u t , on t h o s e o cca s i o n s ,
A nd-Meditation- Every-M orni ng-At-Five, I
Carter simply f o u n d ways to m uffle the
woul d think wou l d appreciate that. "
ticki ng-another source of irritation for
E m m a j u st wri n kled her nose at h i m
h i s wife, for s h e never knew j ust where
a n d went u pstairs t o fetch H e nry, their
she wou l d find a stashed clock. She had
five-year-old son. It was Saturday­
found them buried i n her u n d e rwear
H enry's social calendar was a lways fu l l
drawer amid the folds of cotton a n d s i l k.
o n Saturdays ( a l l E m ma's d o i ng) with
One clock was h i dden i n the toe of h er
play-dates a n d lessons and other
black-suede riding boot. Once , w h i l e
m i scellaneous activities thought to be
preparing a d inner party, s h e h a d p u l le d
good for deve l o p i n g bra i n s .
from t h e cupboard a cera m i c p itcher a n d
I s t h a t real ly w h y I keep these
rescued, just i n t i m e , a c l o c k n early
wi nd-up clocks? Carter wondere d . I n
drowned i n sangria . At some point,
pri nciple, h e a p proved o f a l ife l ived i n
Ca rter's habit stopped irritati n g E m m a
the m o ment. Cert a i n l y , h e a lways h a d
a n d beca m e somewhat a m u sing i nstea d .
been a m a n who l ived for the i nstant­
Whenever a clock w a s m i s s i n g , E m m a
t h o u g h h e s u spected h i s way was not
and H e n ry m a d e a l i ttle g a m e o u t o f
q u ite what the Zen m asters had i n m i n d .
finding i t . H enry loved rooti n g out h idden
H e never w a s o n e t o savor T h e Moment
thing s : games of h ide-and-seek,
'"
scavenger hunts, combing the s h ores of
porch. The very box of books Carter h a d
N antucket for cla m s-he loved it a l l .
put out there for t h e U P S m a n . The b o x
S hortly after E m m a a n d H enry left,
i nto which h e had thrown ( a n d forgotten
the UPS m a n dropped off two packages
to take back out) the d i stracting tickin g
for Carter, both from his favorite online
clock.
bookstore. H e opened the first box,
Emma had spent her entire l e g a l
wh i ch was f i l l ed with unfa m i l i ar titles: The
career, e i g h t years , working at the U . S .
7 Habits of Highly Defective People: And
Attorney's Office prosecuti ng a R ICO
How to Avoid Them (The h a b its or the
case agai nst a garbage collectio n
d efective people? he wondered); Think
company run by t h e Mafia (wh i ch
Positively and Grow Rich!; The Rules,
explains somewhat the state of the city's
Volume 25: The Lost Rules. Good Lord ,
streets-no com petition i n the m arket) .
thought Carter. Whose s h ipment is this?
Three prosecutio n witnesses h a d
He opened the other box, and breathed
mysteriously v a n i s h e d , a n d o n e
a s i g h of relief-at least they got his
prosecutor had died i n a car accident
order right. Eagerly, h e thumbed through
(freak mechan ical failure, supposed ly)
his selectio n s , sto p p i n g to peruse The
during the course of those eight years .
Dictionary of New Words, which was full
Emma was understandably wary of
of term s l i ke "stealth bra , " "Twin kie
defe n s e , " "gran n y dum pi n g , " "lipstick
lesbian" ( h i s m other would twitch with
agitatio n whenever she heard that term),
a n d "snack a buse" (also "math abuse",
"safety a buse" and "sata n i c a buse"-an
e p i d e m i c of "abuse" a pparently) . H e
things l ike ticking packages l eft o n h er
doorste p .
She d i d n o t s p e a k to Carter for h ours
after the i ncident. He was surprised by
her reactio n . He would have understood
if she had been irritated with h i m , but
Emma did not seem at all angry. S h e
coul d g e t l ost i n that d ictionary for h ours,
seemed badly shaken, i n explicably
h e realize d , though the ticking of the
haunte d . Only after s h e had p icked up
kitchen clock was d istracti n g . H e
H e nry, fed him d in ner a n d put him to
grabbed t h e clock a n d gave t h e kitchen a
bed, d i d she speak again to Carter.
quick swee p with h i s eyes before hastily
dump i n g the clock i nto the box with the
a b o m i n a b l e title s .
A n hour later, h e pulled h i mself away
from the d i ctionary a n d decided to go for
a run . H e taped up th e box containing
the m i srouted order a n d left i t on the
porch for the UPS p ickup-service before
h e a d i n g for the park.
O n his way back home from the park,
"I've had e noug h . Please, for m e . G et
rid of these awful tickin g ti m e-bo m b s . "
S h e sounded vulnera b l e t o h i s ears .
"Look, E m m a . I ' m sorry m y
carelessness caused you such a fri g ht. I
hate seeing you so shaken . " H e kneeled
next to the brown velvet armchair that
she sat i n , a n d rested h i s forehead
against her tem p l e . H e loved the smell of
her: a lways d electable and yumm y , for
h e saw and heard , from two houses
she favored scents based on comforting
away, E m m a screaming i n front of their
foods-va n i l l a , peach , even pump k i n .
hous e . "Carter ! Carter! A b o m b ! Oh God,
That night, she was wearing something
a b o m b ! " s h e cried hysterically.
laced with chocolate . "I'll b e m ore careful.
" E m m a?" Carter called out to her.
I t wi l l never happen again, I pro m i s e
She turned at the s ound of h is voice
you," h e said.
a n d ran towards h i m . "Oh thank God!
"Please, Carter, get rid of the m . "
Ruri, Carter. Run ! " s h e scre a m e d .
Emma rose a n d wa l ke d over t o the
"There's a bom b ! " s h e cri e d , pointing
window, staring out i nto the dark. "I've
towards a cardboard box s ittin g o n their
been having this . . . dream-the worst
" I ' m not going to get i nto this with
nightmare, " s h e said in a grave tone . "I
keep dream i ng that you've . . . died. I n the
you. I'm tire d . You coming to bed?" s h e
dream, I'm sitting i n our l iving room being
asked as s h e headed for t h e stairs .
consoled by people who have just been
"Go on ahead. I ' l l join you s o o n , " h e
to your funeral. I don't know how you
said.
Whenever Carter's m i n d was
d i e d , I just know you've d i e d . "
Carter w a s surprised by the
engaged , it was nearly i m possible for h i m
serio u s ness in h er tone. E m m a had
to wind down. Emma's dre a m h a d raised
never before taken any interest in
an interesting q uesti o n , h e t h o u g ht . What
dream s . She rarely even remem bered
are my finest moments? I f I h a d to pick
them. Those s h e d i d recall were very
one, what would it be? He d e l i berated for
m u n d an e-routine days at the office,
awh i l e , but h i s m i n d drew a n
clea n i n g the kitche n, watch ing H enry
uncharacteristic b l a n k . There w a s n o
play in the park. Even in the chaotic
shortag e of pleasant memori e s , certa i n l y ,
world of dre a m s she remained practical
but none were vivid ; a l l h i s past m o m e nts
a n d logica l . "Why are you so spooked?
seemed like a m i a b l e b ut pale g hosts
It's j ust a dre a m . You know that," h e s a i d .
amid a haze of gray. Nothing stood o ut.
Perh aps some perspective was
"But the d r e a m s a r e so vivid . . . and
needed to answer such a questi o n , h e
recurrin g . They don't feel l i ke drea m s . "
S h e turned away from t h e window a n d
thought t o h i mself. T o o b a d E m m a
looke d h i m i n the eye.
wou l d n't cooperate . What about h i s
"They feel l i ke premonitions," she
parents though? H i s father was n o longer
said.
ava i l a b l e for consultati o n (he had passed
"What are you saying? Are you
on two years ear l i er) , but what would h i s
saying you 're clairvoyant? You don't
mother say i f asked? H e remem bered
even believe i n s u ch th i n g s . " A sudden
the pride i n her eyes that one day d ur i n g
thought occurred to him. " H ow old were
h i s preschool years . H e had been tau g ht
we in th i s dre a m ? Thirty-three or eig hty?
from the earliest age to e q uate gender
Beca u se if we were eighty , wel l then
only with anatomical parts, rather than
maybe the drea m is just a form of
with externalities, s u ch as, dresses a n d
Fre u d i a n wish-fu lfi ll ment," h e said with a
bows {his mother's stu d i e s had s h own
s l i ghtly wry s m i l e .
that chi ldren get confused when s h own
"Maybe I ' m b e i n g sil ly. Probably. But
pictures of men wearing traditi o n a l l y
just h u m or m e then. For whatever
fem i n i n e things, and vice-versa ) . O n e
reason, these clocks are terribly
d a y , Carter had carried h i s p i n k p urse t o
u n settlin g to me. They rem i n d m e of
class and worn ribbon barrettes i n h i s
th i n g s I can't bear to think about. " She
hair; he was followed aro u n d a n d
l o o ke d s o a nxiou s , h e thought.
harassed b y a b o y i n h i s class who
" I f it's i m portant to you, of course I ' l l
i n sisted, i n a s i n gsong voice, that, "Carter
g e t r i d of t h e m , " h e s a i d . H ow g o o d h e
is a g irl . Carter is a girl. O n l y g irls wear
f e l t s e e i n g the l o o k of i m m ed iate rel ief on
barrettes and carry purses . " I n
h er face. "So . . . what were people saying
exasperatio n , Carter finally dropped h i s
about m e ? At the fu n era l , I mean. How
pants, a n d undies, a n d decl ared i n h i s
d i d they rem e m ber me? What were, i n
best a d u l t voice, "Gender i s determi n e d
their eyes , my greatest moments?"
solely by anatomy, n o t by extern a l c u e s .
"I don't rem e m ber," she said.
Take a l o o k . Do I look l i ke a g irl to you
"What did you say? Which of my
now?" H i s tormentor avoided Carter after
m o ments stuck i n your head?"
that, as one avoids the b u m on the
subway tal king to h i m s elf i n ag itated
''
ton e s . When h i s m other learned of
drifted off t o sleep that way, l i stening to
i ncid e nt, s h e s urged with prid e . But that
the rhyth m i c rise and fall of E mma's
was really m ore my mother's moment
breath ing, i n h a l i n g her rich chocolate
than my own , t h o u g ht Carter. In that
perfum e , and l i ngering u po n the m e m ory
incident she saw her own i m pri nt, a
of his son's sweet s m e l l .
Carter got rid of the wind-up clocks,
s u ccessful exte n s i o n of h erself . . .
probably. Maybe it wou l d b e that way
as pro mised-all b ut one, which h e kept
with E m m a too , if he managed to gain a
hidden i n his car, u n d er the driver's seat.
response from h er. Maybe she wou ld
Emma d i d n't mention h er dream s agai n ,
p ick a m o ment when h e had come
but Carter could n ot free h i s obsessive
closest to her ideal of a h usband, rather
m i n d from the q uestion raised by h er
than o n e that captured h i s essence as a
dreams. It pressed on h i m consta ntly.
H e found h i m self r u n n i n g m ore often
separate i n d i v i d u a l .
Carter stretch e d o u t on t h e couch
that spri n g ; h e craved the release a good
and stared d irectly i nto the bright cei l i n g
run always provided. He l oved the fee l i n g
l i g ht, which w a s so bright that it h urt his
i n h i s l e g s d uring t h e final few l a p s . T h e
eyes a bit. H e thought a n d stared , then
fatigue seemed t o add a reassuring
tho u g h t and stared some more. He still
weight and heft to h i s legs. T h e rou g h
had n o a n swers. H is head began to ache
asphalt seemed t o grip t h e soles o f h i s
so h e closed his eyes, whi ch were dazed
shoes-a sensation l ike r u n n i n g o n sticky
from staring for so long i nto the blinding
strips of Velcro. It made h i m feel secured
l i ght. Even with h i s eyes closed, even
to the gro u n d , aware of gravity and the
a m i d th e d arkness of his m i n d , the
pull of the earth . Each of his legs acti n g
rem na nts of that cei l i ng light seemed to
as a bal last protecting h i m from floating
sparkle a n d g litter festively on the inside
away l i ke a balloon lost to the heave n s . I t
of h i s lids. He lay there for a long ti m e ,
was E m m a , tho u g h , who res e m b l e d a
t h e n fi n a l l y turned off the downstairs
balloon, a hot-air balloon. H er body was
l i ke a triangle balanced precariously on
l i g hts and headed u p .
H e stopped first i n H e n ry's room .
one point. S h e had a b a l l of a face, wid e
When h e peeked i n h e saw that H enry
shoul ders, a thick torso th i n n i n g o u t i nto
was a s l e e p but cl utch ing onto a
the barest s uggestion of h i p s a n d twin
bedpost-he m ust be having that dream
spindles for legs. Alth o u g h s h e was the
a g a i n , thought Carter, the one where
steady one between them, h er top-heavy
he's being chased u p the oak tree out
fig ure made h er seem less secure
front by our n e i g h bor's rottwei l er. " H enry,
some how.
it's D a d . You can let g o of the tree now,"
Carter also began taking drives very
h e whis pered i n h i s son's ear.
late at n i g ht. Someti m e s , he would p u l l
I n stinctively, H enry released h i s grip and
o u t t h e wind-up clock stashed u n der h i s
a l l owed h i mself to b e tucked back under
seat and s e t it on t h e dash board ,
the f l a n n e l Batman s heets. Damp locks
listen ing to the ticki ng as he drove . A few
of g o l d e n hair framed his ro und face-he
times, when he encou ntered a deserted
rem i nded his father of a sunflower. When
stretch of road , he closed h i s
Carter bent d own to kiss his son's cheek,
eyes-someti m es for o n l y a cou p l e o f
he cau g h t a whiff of H enry's smell­
seconds, other ti m e s for as l o n g as ten
equal parts vanilla extract, buttered
ticks of the clock. A n i nexcusably
brea d , a n d talcu m powder.
reckless game, h e knew, but could n't
After checking on H e n ry , he s l ipped
resi st. H e had hoped that fear wou l d
i nto bed with E m m a, fitti ng his body i nto
bring focus and clarity t o h i s m u d d l ed
the curves of h er curled-up figure. H e
m i n d , heighten h i s sense a n d awareness
''
E m m a just s m i l ed a n d kissed h i m
of each seco n d . But it d i d n't. After a
close call-he came with i n i nches of
good bye before getting i nto th e car.
h itti n g the ste e l rails hugging a s h arp
"Take care , " she ca lled out as she pul led
curve i n the road-he gave up his foolish
away from the curb and drove off. She
g a m e a n d h i s late n i g h t drives. And sti l l ,
l ooked straight ahead down the roa d , but
h e had n o a n swers , n oth ing h e could
her left hand continued wavi n g to h i m
articulate .
from the open driver's-side wi n d ow. H e
watched her until s h e turned the corn er
Every sum m er, the H iggins fam i l y
and disappeared from his v i ew .
s p e n t a couple weeks at their cabin
Carter w a s packing things for the tri p
upstate . They usua l l y drove up together,
but this year Carter was delayed at the
upstate when t h e tel e p h o n e call ca m e .
last m inute by s o m e business matters.
T h e words com i n g through t h e l i ne
" I ' l l just g o on a h ea d and prepare the
seemed horribly muffled , a n d h e could
cab i n . It must b e a mess after all those
only grasp a handful of phrases: . . . g a s
storm s last winter, " Emma said.
t a n k explosion a t the ca b i n . . . co m p l etely
destroyed . . . Emma d i d n't escape . . . so
"What a b out H e n ry? Wi l l you take
sorry . . .
h i m , or s h ould I?" Carter asked .
"Since I ' m cleaning the cab i n , you
I n the first few seco n d s, h e could not
can deal with H e n ry trapped in a car for
think (not yet) about the loss of h er. I n
four hours . "
that first fla s h , h e could d o n othing but
i m a g i ne her last moments , h er l a st
"Wait. What if I pro m i se t o clean the
sensations. H e was tryi n g to p i cture
cab i n i n stead?" h e suggested
it-the explosion, the b l i n d i ng burst of
desperate l y .
l i g ht-when h e was struck with a sense
E m m a s m i led wickedly. "Good luck
of deja vu. H e thought h e knew just what
with H e n ry . You'l l n eed it."
such a bright explosion m i g ht l o o k l i ke .
He saw Emma off the next day. The
backseat of her car was loaded with
H e told h i mself there had been n o time
boxes of supplies-mostly food and
for thoug hts. N o ti m e for vain reflecti o n ,
cooking g ear (Whenever they stayed i n
no tim e t o sift through t h e m i nd's
the cab i n , E m m a insisted upon preparing
i nventory of l ife's mome nts-he wanted
extravagantly abundant meals that would
desperately to bel ieve that there had
choke the burl iest of lumberjacks). "I
been no time for s uch th i ng s . Just basic
packed a few bottles of wine too," she
se nsations i n the e n d . J ust that burst of
said, with a n i mp i s h gri n .
l i g ht, followed by a s l i pping darkness, the
last of the l i g ht sparkling l i ke confetti i n
" D i d y o u rem e m ber t o pack that s i l k
her mind.
th i n g i e of yours? The one I l i ke so much , "
h e asked.
Ritlll�f
ink 6x9
Owen Lloyd
(opposite)
11
,"
OU �e/.11l '?l1t,t.>
acrylic 5x7
Fetus L. Johnson
20
problem, then do someth ing about i t . " Do
someth ing about it.
I was the master of my own d estiny. I
Clinton Harman
I was on my t h i rd Corona a l ready. I
cou l dn't rem e m ber what time the place
stopped serving a lcoh o l , but I was
determined to get as m any beers down
as p o s s i b l e before last cal l .
I knew what I was g oing to d o . I had
four h undre d d o l l a rs in my pocket and a
change of clothes in my bag. I had
a l ready called the a i rpo rt s h u ttle; it wou ld
pick m e u p at 6:00am s h a rp , four hours
from then.
I was checking out the crowd;
everyone s e e m ed to be in h igh
s p i rits-probably j u st out of the bars . I
had finis h ed u p m any a d runken evening
there myself. I l i ked it better than going to
Denny's, no h i g h school kids, no one
scre a m ing from one table to the next.
People there weren't obnoxious l i ke that.
There , I didn't h ave to keep my temper
und e r contro l .
My tem per h a d always g o t m e i n
tro u b l e . When I was a l i ttle kid, I was
always in the principal's office fo r
fighting . Of course, it was never my fa u lt.
In fact, the older I g ot, the m ore I
rea l ized nothing was ever my fault, I
always d i d everything right. Everything
hap pened for a reason. The only th ing I
cou l d be h e l d a ccountab l e for was the
actions that affected my l i fe . I alone was
responsible for my fate.
I couldn't stand a l l the wh iny
crybabies that pouted as they told m e
w h a t a mess t h e i r l ife was. "It's all m y
parents' fau lt-if only Father h a d loved
m e m o re; if only Mother had paid more
attention to m e when I was a kid . "
I u s e d t o g et u p i n those people's
faces and tel l them off. "It's not your
p a rents' fault yo u t u rned out th i s way, it's
you rs . You r dad d idn't l ove you . . . so
what? You r Mom d idn't l ove you . . . so
what? I f you know, and can id entify the
had no regrets, no q u a l m s . I was I , and I
was I absolutely.
"Another Corona s i r?"
"Yes please."
I always l i ked servers-good ones
anyway. I a d m it I had my fai r s h a re of
scuffles over poor service, but that was
l ife, nobody's perfect. Servers a re one of
the few people in l ife who h ave a right to
g ripe . A l l day long they d e a l with people's
q u i rks , like, "th i s coffee's too hot," or
"how many g rams of fat are in the
cottage cheese?" I a lways watch ed those
people and thought, "thank God I never
had that j o b . "
There are p e o p l e t h a t t h ink t h e
people waiting o n t h e m a re there t o kiss
their ass. They sit and boss their server
around l i ke a slave, th inking it's okay,
because, "they're a good tipper." The
servers aren't al lowed to say what they
rea l l y th ink. They h ave to take it; it's p a rt
of their job. I 've known waiters and
waitresses who have said d ifferently, but
most of them were also o u t of work. No
manager is ever on the s erver's s i d e ;
they can't be. If a server i s rud e , they're
gone.
N o one ever stops to th ink, "hey, t h i s
i s someone's s o n or d a u g h ter." They' re
just s e rvers , here to wait on y o u .
"Ario? A rio J a m e s , i s that yo u ?"
Who the h e l l was this g uy? I hated it
when I wasn't paying attention; s o m e one
was a lways sneaking up on m e , and I
hated s u rprises. I was too wrapped up in
my own thoug hts and watch ing this older
woman rifle th ro u g h h e r p u rs e . I had no
idea who this guy was . I d idn't know what
to d o , so I j u st stared.
The whole time I looked at h i m , h e
kept wal king closer and closer to m e ,
s m i l ing l i ke h e knew s o m e rea l l y g reat
secret. Apparently, h e d i d . Beca u s e even
when he sat down across from me, I sti l l
h a d n o idea w h o h e was. W e were
"Yep , rage i s a very dangerous
having a staring match . Then I looked
away. Damn, I was mad. I had looked
emotion indeed. It m a kes yo u think your
away first, s h owing a sign of weakness.
seeing everything clear, but in rea l ity,
So I looke d u p , and stared h i m straight in
your judg ment is clou d e d . "
I was beg inning t o think t h a t maybe
the eye.
this g u y was crazy.
"Excuse m e s i r, b u t who the h e l l are
"Yep , your old man was always b lunt,
you?"
but you were a lways s h a rp , l i ke a knife . "
"Don't you rem e m b e r me?"
"You r Corona sir." T h e waitress
I sat there for a second wondering if it
was a trick q u e stion? " N o s i r, I don't."
chi m ed in.
''Thank you . " I had a l most forgot.
"McKenz i e , Jim McKenzie, I was
"Wo u l d you care for anything s i r?"
stationed with your father at Fort Brag g . "
"Yes, just b ring m e a cup of coffee
F t . B ragg had been ten years a g o . I
and a shot of J i m Beam . "
m u st h ave been eleven years old when I
H e certainly d rank l i ke one o f m y
knew the g uy . I had tro u b l e
fath er's friends.
rem e m bering a l l the p e o p l e I went t o h i g h
"You see, you r father was a lways
s c h o o l with, and I w a s s u pposed to
re m e m be r h i m ? I would have thought h e
bl unt. H e butted heads with a lot of
w a s crazy, but h e d i d know my name ,
people. You were a lways s h a rp . You cut
and , h e h a d a a i rborne tattoo on h i s
right th rough people. No warning, no b i g
forearm . My fathe r rarely m a d e friends
col l i s i on, y o u just went r i g h t thro u g h
with anyone who d i dn't have a service
Whoever or whatever was i n y o u r way . "
tatto o .
That sounded about right t o m e .
"What's wrong with th at?"
" S o you knew my father then?" I
" N oth ing , i f you don't care about how
knew it was a stu p i d question, obviously
oth e r people feel . "
h e d i d , b u t I still had no idea what to say.
·
"Why should I care about how other
"I s u re d i d , h ow is h e?"
"Sti l l the s a m e . " My father would
people fee l if they're in my way?" I had
no problems with the way I led my l ife,
never change.
"You r fathe r a lways was a tough one
why should it bother this g uy? I didn't
to get a long with . Some people get a l i ttle
need any advice . I was d oing just fine on
s kittis h wh en som eone speaks their m ind
my own. Besides this was starting to
a l l the t i m e , but th at's why I l i ked h i m .
sound l i ke a Sunday school lesson to
You a lways knew where y o u stood with
me. I was glad when h e changed the
Matthew J a m e s . "
subj ect.
D a m n . . . s o meti m e s even I forgot Sgt.
"So what a re you d oing in Ind iana?"
J a m es's fi rst nam e . No one ever called
"I just g rad uated from col lege . " Well
h i m M atthew. Even his better friends sti l l
al most, the only th ing left was the
called h i m Sergeant.
ceremony, but I didn't see any point in
" I te l l y o u , I wou l d never h ave
g oing into that. I had an interns h i p to get
recognized you if it h adn't been for your
to.
eye s . Yo u know rage i s a very u seless
"What college d i d you g o to?"
and dangerous e m otion. Your father
"Purd u e . "
a lways had that look in his eyes when he
" O h rea l ly? What d i d yo u g e t y o u r
was rea l l y angry. That look alone was
degre e in?"
u s u a l l y eno u g h to m a ke a room of
"Engineering . "
Specia l F o rces troopers clear out."
"That makes sense , you a lways were
And people wonde r where I got my
b u i l ding the d amned est thing s out of
temper.
whatever you could get yo u r hands on.
22
Do yo u sti l l l i ke b u i ld ing houses out of
ca rds?"
I let a s m i l e s l i p out on that one . I sti l l
We sat there in s i l ence for a w h i l e .
H e drank h i s coffee ' a l a J i m', a n d I
finished my Corona . I was s u rveying the
coul dn't h e l p myself when I g o t my hands
restau rant again. There were a cou p l e of
on a deck of card s . "Ye s , I sti l l b u i l d them
cute women in the booth kitty corner from
from time to t i m e . "
" H ow m any d ecks a re y o u u sing
these days?"
"Two o r th ree . There usually isn't
m o re than that many a round . " I l i e d .
us. They both looked a l i ttle tipsy to m e .
One o f them m u s t have been tal king
about a boyfriend; she was u sing one
hand to play with her h a i r, and the other
was flail ing away in the sign lang u a g e
had about six at my old apartment. I j u st
that only women und e rstan d . Men h a v e
d idn't want to a d m it to anyone that I
t h e i r l ittle sign lang uage routine t h a t only
spend that m u ch time b u i l d ing card
they understand-most of them involve
houses.
sex or sports. I g u ess every g ro u p h a s
"You know it a lways d rove your old
man crazy that yo u wou l d never let him
their own l i ttle g ro u p of hand signals.
G rowing u p with my Dad, we had formed
help, but that was y o u . A lways cutting to
a g roup that used m i l itary h and signa l s . I
the chase, never stopping to ask for
a lways kind of enj oyed that.
help."
"I never needed any h e l p . " I t was
"Wel l I have to g o . "
H e h a d startled m e again. Da mned i f
tru e . I never needed anyone's h e l p . I did
I h adn't been l ost in my own thoug hts . My
everything on my own; I put myself
father a lways said women wo u l d be m y
thro u g h co l l e g e; I got an interns h i p by
undo ing .
myself. What did I need h e l p with?
Certa inly not b u i ld ing a h o use of card s .
W h a t w a s t h i s g u y getting at?
"You r coffee s i r, and h e re's your shot
of J i m Bea m . "
"Th ank yo u . " H e g ave the waitress a
s m i l e and off s h e went.
My g uess was that he hadn't noticed
the wedd ing band on her ring finger.
"You take care of yourself."
"I always d o . I t was nice tal king to
you . " I wasn't too s u re about that, but
why burn bridges?
"Li kewi se, te l l your old man I said h i . "
"Wi l l d o . " H e got u p, offered m e s o m e
money f o r the check and I waved h i m off.
"Th anks . "
I nodded and tipped my b e e r t o h i m
Once she was gone, h e proceeded to
as he turned t o wa l k awa y . I took a s i p
pour h i s shot into h i s coffee and stir it in.
from my Corona and g l anced o v e r the
"I neve r could stand plain coffee , o r
restau rant one m o re time. Then I l o o ked
J i m B e a m , but then you r father showed
back to see Jim M cKenzie wa l k out the
me t h i s l ittl e trick and I found out when
door. H e turned and wave d . I returned
they're m ixed together there's nothing
his wave. He sti l l had that damn s m i l e on
better. I love the solid taste of coffee
his face.
m ixed with the crisp kick of alcoh o l . "
As I sat there and finished my beer, I
" N ever tried i t . "
thought to myself, I sti l l h ave a co u p l e of
"You s h o u l d , y o u m ight l i ke it."
weeks before I start my interns h i p ,
"I d o u bt i t . " I never m ixed anything .
d idn't p u t ketc h u p o n my fries, order
maybe I should rent a c a r and d rive d own
to Ft. Worth to see my Dad. I had a
m ixed d rinks, and I s u re as hell d idn't put
layover in C hi cago. I cou l d call h i m from
a s h ot of J i m Beam i n my coffee .
there. I fig u red i t would b e a nice s u rprise
"Yo u ' l l n e v e r know until y o u try . "
There w a s t h a t s m i l e again. What
was t h i s g uys secret?
for old Matthew.
Tlflt.lt11. Pff/tt.>'"'-" 41t.4. 4 �1tf.4.t.
marble
Eugenia Makowski
Roya Kashanian
It's crooked outside and
There's a story brewing in the midst
of dining hours
Passing by the guitar strings I'm chirping on
You reminisce back to the moment when your
Fingers held the rock star
Studded microphone; the canopy of your anxieties.
Stuck in the middle pudding built of wet cement and
Sandpaper blows rubber nonsense bubbles
At your face
There are some honey coated dreams rolling
In your sugar dough waiting to
Fall from the
Glowing end of my
Greenleaf and simmer down around the red
Ring of your wineglass
The realization begins to knockYou aren't reaching the final madness of your
Stages, it's still the beginning.
Can this piece be cheesy? American and Provolone circular masks
Laughing at the peyote colored cheeks
Seared by the icy weather breathing frost in your eyes
Clouding your vision while you split open and
Melt
Is the pressure getting to your head?
The migraines wiped down
With baby wipes and glitter handfuls
Doesn't stop you from eating
All the green pistachios and the
Little chocolate Easter eggs wrapped
In red, yellow, and pink foil.
Have you lost your way?
Maybe you should god bless my
Sneezes and engulf yourself
In a bottle of salt water and change your name to
Aerial
All the while, I'll still be here
Waiting until you burst into song
And
Unwind.
��"�" J>o4..t�i4. �A) p,, 'J�fff�
books, gold leaf, wood
Eugenia Makowski
26
1>t.f'f't.
wood and wire
Ed Kowalczyk
Shannon Plate
1 cannot catch my life.
awake moving, my tasks clenched
in my hand
so that my time,
like money managed badly,
is gone
before it is truly mine
and my enemy hisses defeat in my ear because
it is never done ever.
But, some days it is enough
to wander sleeveless with the sun,
and explore myselfas intriguing as someone else's garden,
treasures hidden under quick spreading yarrow
and thoughts I don't recognize
digging in, threatening to bloom.
'"ff'� 0'4t
pastel 1 6x l 1
Linda Baldwin
(opposite)
)
/" '
!
/
F•s'«>� '" P•d>�ff
oil on wood 24x20
Guy Landgraf, Jr.
�flttl�>fAff fltf \Jiff/.
�f'Ae�"'Alt
met her just after h i g h school when I was
working the th i rd sh ift at the gas statio n .
O u r love was passionate t h e n . I n h e r
t h i rd y e a r o f college, s h e d e c i d e d to
change her major to journalism a n d
transfer t o NYU . S h e had p l a n n e d f o r m e
Steve Kim
t o eventu a l ly move i n with h e r. I
There was a t i m e wh e n I could see. I
cou l d see a l l the d a rk corners and
crevasses of l i fe ; the inconsistencies, if
p u l l e d , would tear apart the fabric of
rea l ity. I could t h i n out existence and see
the p u re b l u e flow of life , l i ke rivers of
e n e rgy, flowi n g and e b b i n g between u s ,
th ro u g h u s . I s a w everyth ing w e knew to
be rea l , eve ryt h i n g that held us togeth er,
and everyt h i n g that keeps us on the
g ro u n d .
N ow m y v i s i o n i s g o n e . T h e i mages
are forever d istorted with shadows ,
d isco l o rat i o n , a n d ghost images. Even if I
wanted to see a g a i n , I cannot. Once lost,
that pl ace i s lost forever. I h ave a
d a u g hter n ow. She's m o re precious than
l ife itself. She will g row u p l i ke the oth e r
c h i l d re n . I w i l l never tel l h e r . I wi l l never
s how h e r.
W h e n I was young and could still
see, I lived with a girl, not my wife , but a
d ifferent g i rl .
Rachel was h e r name, but I
cal l e d h e r J a s p e r. I cal l e d a l l my
g i rlfri ends before h e r J asper. The name
wa s taken from a cat I had i n my
c h i l d h o o d . J a s p e r was a jigsaw colored
tabby I had fou n d when I was e i g ht. I
loved that cat. S h e was an older soul
watch i n g over me. O n e day Jasper was
m i s s i n g , a n d I cried a l l day because I
knew s h e was d e a d . My mother told me
that J a s p e r had run away. A few days
later m y fathe r tracked a n asty stench
i nto o u r storage shed in the backyard . He
discovered the rotten , maggot i nfested
re m a i n s of my cat. Even in death , Jasper
tried to protect me. I've called all my
. g i rlfri e n d s s i n ce then J asper.
I loved R a ch e l , and wou l d have
m a rried her if t h i n g s had worked out. I
convi nced her that I s h o u l d m ove in right
away. The situation at my h o u se had
become desperate. O n the m o rn i n g we
left, my parents were both work i n g . I
didn't even leave a n ote . They fou n d o u t
where I h a d g o n e w h e n Rachel p h o ned
them later that week.
A year later o u r relat i o n s h i p s o u red a
bit. She sti l l went to school and I worked
i n a l i q u o r store i n a beat up
n e i g h borhood uptown. I watched h o u rs
of television before I went to work, a n d
before Rachel returned from h e r late
afternoon class. I did n't see m u ch of h e r
d u ri n g the d a y , and m a y b e t h a t w a s for
the better. We were l i ke the noodles the
chef threw against the wall on my
afternoon coo king s how. S h e stuck to
wa l l s . I fell to the d i rty kitche n floor.
My days were patterned l i ke a
we ll-worn rug . I woke up at n o o n , and
after twe nty-seven cold steps down the
hal lway, I'd try to h i t some porce l a i n i n
my waking daze. Then , I was o n t h e
couch . T h e 27-i nch Tos h i b a , with picture
in picture, rece ived my attention most of
the afternoo n . The salesma n , or sales
counselor as they called h i m , told m e I
wou ld need a television with l nvard
Shadow Mask Cones. I have yet to learn
h ow to use my picture i n picture, or the
l nvard S hadow Mask Cones. Every
afte rnoon I watched the same s h ows :
The Burly Cooking Show (and I d idn't
cook), This Old House ( I d o n 't own a
h ome) , and my favorite , Travels in
Europe (yet my closest experi e n ce to
Europe was Little I taly).
When the sun was low i n the late
afte rnoo n , I ' d peel my body off the couch
and head off to work. My boss gave me a
choice of working in the day or the
eve n i n g ; I consci o u s l y picked the
sucked them in with each b reath , l o s i n g
even i n g , knowing I would see less of
t h e m somewhere i n s i d e . I w a s h a v i n g
Jasper. I d i d n't mean to h u rt h er, but I
one of my moments .
had noth i n g to offer her. The cavity of my
A man came before m e . H e was a n
body had h o l l owed , and the pain
old g u y with wild u ntamed h a i r a n d worn
rem i n ded m e of what was once there . I
ski n . H e was skinny and h o rri bly
cou l d n't fight a nymore . I chose to h id e .
cross-eyed. The focal point of h i s v i s i o n
My job g a v e m e consi stency. My
mu st h a v e b e e n fou r i n c h e s i n front of
boss wa s a b i g Russian man with a
him. H e had th i s "X" vision, wh ere h i s
h eavy accent. H e o n l y showed up in the
right eye saw t h e left s i d e and h i s l eft eye
m o rn i n g to col l e ct the receipt ta pes and
saw the right.
the deposit from the night before . I hardly
saw h i m . Everyone that worked there
"What d o you want?" I said politely.
" I want paper. Paper, paper, rol l i n g
knew that he d i d n't care what went on i n
paper," h e s a i d wh i l e l i cking h i s l i p s . I
t h e store as l o n g as w e d i d n't steal. " I f
threw down the ro l l i n g paper on the
yo u ste a l , I k i l l y o u . " Other t h a n that, h e
counter trying to keep my d i stance . H e
w a s a g reat m a n to work for. Ig or, we
picked i t u p with h i s bony fing e rs a n d
called h i m , paid us a low salary but gave
s a i d , "You g o t J ack, J acky . S o m e J acko
u s extra cash u n d e r the table. N o
Danielio?" Pressed against the back
q u estio n s asked.
counter, I poi nted to the shelf b e h i n d
O n e eve n i n g I was fee l i n g tire d . My
h i m . H e retri eved a p i nt a n d a s k e d f o r a
face was flat o n the counter as I
pack of Viceroy. H e pu lled out a rol l of
breathed m oisture onto its glass top .
b i l l s from h i s tattered Mem b e rs Only
Someone wal ked i n and s a i d , " H ow ya
jacket and said "Th a n k yooo. Where you
doing R ick?"
from?"
"O . K. , " I s a i d , as I ra ng h i m up for two
"I don't t h i n k I s h o u l d say . "
bottles of Colt 45 and a pack of Camel
" I ' m n o t from h e re . N o t a ro u n d h e re . "
box. "Yo u beat off today?"
This m a n started te l l i n g m e h e i s from
"Ye a h , and you?" h e asked .
a noth er planet. He told h i s story with h i s
"Twice. Victoria's Secret and
h a n d mouthing t h e words i n front of h i s
Cosmopolitan"
l i p s . I t was a s i f h i s fi ngers were te l l i n g
"Moving u p i n the worl d , h u h?"
t h e story. H e l ooked l i ke o n e of those
I d i d n ' t m e a n to be vulg ar, but this
mythical half- m a n , h a lf-goat creatures as
wa s the only way I could com m u n i cate
h i s w i l d , white hair danced i n the g entle
with these p e o p l e . The truth was that I
d raft of the overhead heaters . His fi n ge rs
d id n't want to hear their pro b l e m s . I did n't
fluttered in front of h i s mouth l i ke h e was
want to hear why they were kicked out of
playing a mag ical flute. He wove a tale of
their apartment o r that their wife or
utter nonsense i nto a rea l i ty that was of
g i rlfri e n d cal l e d the pol i ce on them. I was
his own .
sick of l i st e n i n g to their reason i n g on why
"The-the thing about red is far away
they had to s mack their g i rl aro u n d . I just
and I miss it. I m uch l i ke h e re . H e re I
wanted to h u m o r the m .
rre-ea lly d o . Better for your s k i n , rea l l y
The two stock boys were somewhere
g o o d , really good, and c h e a p too . I b e e n
in back try i n g to get i nto the pa nts of a
h ere long, g o o d l o n g t i m e . Earth i s g o o d .
Puerto Rican g i rl they had brought i n
Colors are nice . "
earl i e r. I was stari n g a t t h e clock with the
Budwe i s e r Logo o n it. The d u st particles
floated i n the l i g h t all aro u n d me. I cou ld
see them ris i n g toward the rafters . I
H e said this while looking t o t h e rig ht
of m e .
" I n o t from here y o u know. I com e
from there . "
H e p o i nted h i s fi n g e r two feet away
from h i s body i nto an e m pty space. I
cou ld n't h e l p but stare i nto that space,
all I could m uster was, " I d i d n't d o
noth i n ' . "
She g ra bbed t h e plastic cup with o u r
that e m ptiness that lied between us. I
tooth brushes i n it a n d wh i p ped it at m e . I t
stared for seco n d s , m i n utes , or maybe
j u st m i ssed my head a n d bou n ce d off t h e
even h o u rs . I tried to fi l l i t with thoug hts.
wa l l cracking i nto three l arge p ieces . A s I
First, there was noth i n g . Then, a trickle of
braced myself fo r a n other attack, s h e
thoug hts u n raveled s lowly, carefu lly, so
shot up a n d stomped i nto t h e b e d ro o m
as not to d a ma g e my con sci ousness.
s l a m m i n g t h e door b e h i n d h e r . I sat by
When m y mind beca m e accustom to the
the toilet staring at a piece of the p lastic
thoughts, it flowed faster, g rowi n g , l i ke a
cup that bounced into the toilet. I t was
stream flowin g down a m o u nta i n . The
yellow with part of a picture of S noopy o n
flow beca m e m o re forceful and violent.
h i s d o g h o u s e prete n d i n g to be the p i l o t
S l owly, it began to u p root my conscious
o f a WWI b i p l a n e . I knew it w a s n ' t just
attach m e nt to myself, tea ri ng one root at
the DUI she was cry i n g about. I t was
t i m e . There was noth i n g l eft in m e that
everyth i n g .
was unto u ch e d . I was e n g u lfe d . Every
She was tired of g o i n g t o sch o o l ,
nerve was touch e d . I cou l d n ' t hold on
worki ng forty h o u rs a wee k, and s i c k of
anymore . I flowed with the cu rrent to
motheri ng m e . I d i d n ' t need another god
where everyth i n g flows . I moved with
damn mother. I just needed a place to
vici o u s speed u nable to g rasp a nyth i n g
cra s h . O u r needs h a d become d i ffere nt. I
rea l .
was not ready to become what s h e
" H e y , R ick?"
wanted me t o be. S h e d i d n ' t realize t h a t I
It was Tony o n e of the stock boys.
would sacrifice o u r relati o n s h i p to
" I ' m g o i n g to get some smokes."
mainta i n myself as I was. I l oved h e r, b u t
"Where d i d h e g o ? Did? Did you see
I rea l ly j ust n e e d e d a fucking pl ace t o
that wei rd g u y sta n d i n g h e re?"
" I ' m looking at one rig h t now," he said
as h e stared right at m e .
stay.
My stomach began to heave. I
g rabbed on to the sides of the p o rce l a i n
" N ever m i n d . "
bowl a n d placed my face i n i t . I could
W h e n I g ot h o m e that evening Jasper
hear myself choking u p what was inside
was sti l l u p read i n g s o m eth i n g i n the
me. I swore I would n ever drink a g a i n if
kitch e n . I tried to wa l k as straight as
the pain would pass. I looked i n the bowl
possi b l e . S h e called for m e . I pretended
as if I could find the a n swers s o m ewhere
not to hear h e r and walked straight for
i n the m uck of half d i gested foo d ,
the bath ro o m . She followed m e to the
alco h o l , a n d b l o o d . I stared at the floati ng
bathroom d oo r. In t h e l i g ht, I saw that her
piece of plastic.
eyes were red d e r than m i n e . She th rew a
letter in my l a p and g lared at me with h e r
When I woke up, I found that J a sper
had l eft a message o n the a n sweri n g
arms crossed . The letter was from the
mach i n e . That's h ow w e com m u n icate d :
S ecretary of State i nform i n g m e that my
notes and answeri n g mach i ne
l icense h a d been suspended because of
messages. She said s h e wanted to have
a D U I . A l l I thought was why d i d n't I
a ta lk later.
check the m a i l before I left for work.
At work that n i g ht, twenty m i n utes
"Why? Why cou ld n't you te l l me?"
s h e cried as s h e s l i d down the doorframe
before closing time, I was a l o n e rea d i n g
a n d b u ried h e r face o n h e r knees.
pictures from Just Eighteen. At first I
I h a d a perfect explanation, but by
the time the thought reached my mo uth ,
Chicken Soup for the Soul a n d l o o ki n g a t
hadn't noticed, but there h e was. H i s
white h a i r waved l i ke flames as he stood
in the i s l e . I picked up a tap for a keg .
" H i h o . H e l l o . H e l lo my fri e n d . H a h a
ha."
I cl u tched the t a p hard e r.
'Today was g reat day. M uch color.
"So you've got a Spam col l ecti o n , " I
said looking at the trashca n . The
situation was getting too wei rd for m e .
" H ey, hey, here y o u g o . " It was
comically large. I swear I needed two
hands to hold the t h i n g . The
H appy a i r. D o you l i ke d ream world?
crafts manship was q u ite i m pressive. T h e
H appy a i r?" h e said clutch i n g a black
ends tapered off e v e n l y witho u t a n y
bag. "Ye a h , the flow. S m o oth flow . "
l oose p a p e r h a n g i n g off. I p u l l e d out a
H e p o p p e d open the bag. I peered
l ighter and l i t o n e end wh i l e tak i n g a
i n to it carefu lly so I wou ldn't be sucked
deep d rag. The b l u e smoke s l i d d own my
i n . This crazy s paceman had more dope
throat s m ooth. I held m y hit while I
in h i s bag tha n I h ave s m o ked i n my life .
passed it back to the space m a n . The
There were a n u m b e r of u ncut sheets of
smoke loosened my joints, limbs, a n d
aci d . My fi rst tho u g ht was, "Why does a
neck. T h e room began t o spi n . M y
pers o n this fucked u p , need to get m o re
concept o f t i m e d i sa p peare d . I w a s free
fucked up?"
to flow anywhere I wante d .
I realized h e wasn't trying to sell m e
I was in the
cracks of real ity. I u nd e rstood the
the drugs, but w a s offering t h e m as a
spaceman plain as E n g l i s h . I was the
token of friendsh i p . I weighed the options
student, and he was the m a ster. He told
of going h o m e a n d having "the big talk"
me not to be afra i d , b u t to e m b race the
a g a i n st getti n g h i g h with a man out of his
space were in. Everything was one.
mind. I chose the latter.
I d on't know what I expecte d . We
Blood flowed down m y face. M y head
was throbbing as I reg a i n e d
went to his roach i n fested G rand Royal
consciousness; my v i s i o n b l u rred . I
Hotel. They charged weekly rates . A s run
began to focus . There sat a l a rg e m a n .
down as i t was, I a d m it the hotel was a
H e s a t with h i s l e g s crossed faci ng m e
far better place than the cardboard box I
o n a comparatively p u n y cha i r. H e wore
had i m a g i n e d . The spaceman signed me
a black leather trench coat and sha rply
i n as a g uest at the front cou nter.
tail ored black suit u n d e r it.
A p p a re ntly, the man at the counter was
keeping the b u m s with no m oney outside
away from the bums with a l ittle money
·
"Feeling better l ittle g i rl?"
I had n o idea h ow m uch time had
passed s ince I was knocked
i n s i d e . I began to thi n k the spaceman
u nconscious. The space m a n was not i n
was a b i t m o re capable than I had first
the roo m , b u t h i s b lack bag l a y a t t h e feet
thought.
of the m a n . A noise came from the
The h otel was very q u i et. The o n l y
noise I heard w a s the creaking of t h e
bathro o m . I t was a soft whi n i n g s o u n d ,
t h e n a s u d d e n crash of g l a s s . I looke d
f l o o r as we wal ked down the hal lway. N o
away from the door t rying to focus o n
o n e m a d e a s o u n d . B u t I could feel the
something else. I picked u p a J A MA
ears l i ste n i n g , feari ng the noise from
journ a l sitti ng on the tab l e .
b e h i n d their d o o rs . H is roo m was larg e r
than I expected . H e walked to the d i n i n g
roo m with h i s b l a c k b a g . I sat o n t h e
"What a re y o u d o i ng ?"
" I ' m looking at this magazi n e , " I
responded, unable to make eye contact.
couch . The wal l s were e m pty, n o
"What a re you doing h e re ?"
pictures, noth i n g to give m e a n
"I just u h , ca m e here to, s m o k e . "
u n d e rsta n d i n g of the space m a n . There
" A b o y l i ke y o u c a n real l y get h u rt
were shit loads of JAMA med ical j ournals
aro u n d here , " he said s l owly, letti n g each
lying aro un d . He was q u i et.
word s i n k i n . A nother crash echoed from
the bathro o m . The m a n placed h i s g u n
was the spaceman fro m ? I stood u p still
o n the t a b l e betwee n u s . H e p u l l e d out a
d izzy from the head i nj u ry.
cigarette from a m etal case and l i t it.
"Te l l m e someth i n g . You his friend?"
H e p o inted with h i s head toward
bath ro o m .
"Ye a h . N o . I just m et h i m today." My
"Say noth i n g to n o one," h e said
without looking u p .
As I walked o ut, I h e a rd the screams
i n the h a l lway. No o n e came o u t of t h e i r
rooms. When I walked thro u g h the l o b by ,
throat d ri e d a n d my leg shook
t h e man at the counter w a s rea d i n g a
u ncontro l lably. He sat i n s i le n ce . I
newspaper. We all had a n
could n't sta n d it. I wished I 'd gone home
u n d e rsta n d i n g . There was noth i n g f o r m e
to J a s pe r.
to do.
"You know, if somebody busted i n
a n d started b a s h i n g m y friend's brains
T h e cool rai n pelted my jacket as I
wa l k down the street toward the s u bway.
out," h e said a s h e leaned back i n the
My whole world was u n ev e n and out of
chair, "do you know what I'd do?" H e took
place . What was rea l ? I told myself i t
a d ra g from his cigarette. " I 'd kill the
wasn't rea l . That m a d e it easie r.
motherfucker." He exhaled with his head
back.
At t h i s p o int, the g u n was closer to
me than it was to h i m . H i s eyes closed as
I remember when I fi rst noticed. I was
sitting i n the D tra i n o n my way h o m e .
The few passengers i n the car carefu l l y
moved to the o t h e r side of the tra i n . They
h e took a n other deep d ra g , leaning back.
all stared at m e . I felt m y head and
He looks a t m e and gave a s m a l l ,
rea l ized it was covered i n b l o o d . A n
knowi n g l a u g h . H e read m e f o r what I
u ncontrollable l a u g h c a m e o v e r m e a s I
was. I had n o part i n h i s world and h e
rea l ized what I had beco m e .
had n o p a rt i n m i n e . B u t w h o s e world
Walther' s father had fought i n the
G reat War. H e was there whe n the
a rmies of Germany had been v i ctori o u s
agai nst the heathen R u s s i a n s . H e had
Debbie P ickup
also been present when they p u s h e d the
" Ma rch 2 n d , 1 94 1 -G e rman Troops
Enter B u l g a ri a ! " the local post read at the
n ews stan d this m o rn i n g . A l l of Berlin
was b uzzi n g with news of a n other
tri u m p h of the a rmed forces of the Reich .
The s o l d i e rs m a rche d thro u g h the streets
of the city looking as though there was
s o meth i n g to be said for being a member
of the u n stoppable Wermacht.
Thro u g h out the m o rn i n g , the soldiers had
been moving i n and out of the city
n i g ht listening to him and his com rades
d iscussing the old a rmy a n d the g reat
cam paigns they had fought. But, the
conversatio n s a lways turned to d i sgust,
as the old soldi e rs spoke of their dead
com rades and the u njust a rm istice that
followe d . When the d ep ression cam e ,
Walther remembere d wa king u p i n t h e
found out later that h i s fath e r had taken
offe nsive. Walther looked proudly
h i s own l ife i n lieu of faci n g the d i s g race
across the massed ran ks of men
m a rch i n g , w h i l e the mid-morn i n g sun
d a nced u p o n t h e i r bright steel h elm ets.
Each s o l d i e r was his own symbol of
that wou l d come from l o s i n g all h i s
worldly possessi o n s . Walther' s mother
struggled for more than two years before
they moved in with h e r b roth er' s fa m i ly i n
In a l l of Germany
there was noth i n g l i ke being a member of
that sacred brothe rhood of warriors, as
old as Val h a l l a , and as proud as a race
of perfection cou l d a llow. The atrocities
of the G reat War were now being
forgotten , as a l l of Europe o n ce again
tre m bled at the sound of the German war
d ru m . H owever, t h i s time would be
Berl i n . I t was here that Wa lther
witnessed the g rowth of a n ew p a rty, a
g reat pa rty, o n e that cl a i m ed it wo u l d
right a l l the wrongs of the recent past.
Wa lther' s u ncle took him m o re than o n ce
to see a man called H itler speak about
Germany and how it had been betrayed
from within by a race of i n h u m a n
creatures known as t h e J ews.
d ifferent.
The F u e h rer had bro u g ht to G erm any
a new hope. The people responsible for
the d i s g race of the G reat War had been
fou n d and were being p u n ished for what
they had d o n e to the Fatherland .
d e l ighted i n s itti ng b y h i s fathe r' s side at
n i g ht t o t h e s o u n d o f a g u nshot. H e
p reparing for a n other victorious
victory a n d h o no r.
F rench a rmies back to Paris. Walther
loved these stories as a ch i l d . H e
It was
the i r u n derm i ning of his cou ntry, with
help from the M a rxists, that had
destroyed G e rmany.
Whe n Wa lther turned t h i rteen H itler
became Chancellor of a l l Germany,
pro m i s i n g the people a m o re p roud and
Untitled
photo 6x9
Colleen Gentry
(opposite)
p rospero u s cou ntry . With i n the next five
panzers that were feared o n battlefields
years this appeare d to b e true. The
all across E u rope.
fam i l y moved to a l a rg e r a partment i n a
Walther' s m other looked a ro u n d for
part of the city that had formerly been
him, cal l i n g his name. But a boy of
occupied by J ewish i ntellectuals.
twenty-one wou l d hardly l i sten for h i s
Walther's u ncle was made a n officer i n
mother' s call when h e was caught u p i n
t h e ranks of the n ew party. H e wore a
the raptu re o f such a day. S h e took o n e
black u n iform d o m in ated by a large red ,
last g l impse a t the m a rch i n g boys a n d
white, a n d b lack a rmband that carried the
turned back i nto the house t o p u t h e r
symbol of the a n cient god Thor. Some of
m i n d a t ease.
the c h i l d re n at school called it a "black
spider'' and stayed away from the men in
*
*
*
The sign on the fro n t of the b u i l d i n g
the black u niforms . Walther knew better
rea d : BA R RA C K E N d e r Zweiten G ru p p e .
than to ru n from the men that had saved
After three l o n g days of crawli n g thro u g h
h i s cou ntry, a country h e would serve
t h e mud fields with l i ttle s l e e p a n d
rations, Walther and h i s com rades fou n d
and defe n d u ntil his death .
Walther's uncle e n ro l l e d him i nto an
organizatio n called the Hitler J ugend.
comfort i n the fam i l i a r s i g n . A s they
approached the path to the barracks,
H e re , h e was with othe r boys h i s age
Hauptman Schere r called the troops to a
learn i n g how to better serve the state.
halt and right face . The o n l y thoug hts
He learned fi rsth a n d of the truth behind
that crossed their m i n d s , as the rai n
the J ew. I t was t h i s experience h e
drummed on t h e i r steel h e l m ets, were
carried i nto h i s three years with the
eati ng a hot meal and fal l i n g i nto a warm,
R eichsarbeits d ie n st. Everyd�y he
dry bed. They were told to wait for five
marched off to work knowi ng that h e was
m i n utes and then head toward the m otor
making a d iffere nce for a l l the Germans.
pool for weapons i n s pectio n . Walther
A s Walther stared out across the
looked u p at the trees and n oticed h ow
street, h e cou l d see the e n d l ess rows of
the rai n made them seem so fre s h a n d
soldie rs rid i n g their m otorcycl es. The
revived . Somehow the rai n seemed to
h u m of t h e i r engines blended with the
also cleanse the u n iforms a n d s p i rits of
roar of the crowd as they moved in
this weary g ro u p of soldiers . The o rd e rs
p e rfect formation thro u g h the streets.
to march to the motor pool i n te rrupted h is
"One day I wi l l look that g o o d ! " Walther
thoughts . Once i n the motor p o o l , they
said to his m other as h e poi nted i n to the
lined u p and presented their weapons for
street. She s m i l e d , and thought of how
i nspection. H a u ptman Sch e re r walked
proud she was that her son was to be
down the rows, only sto p p i n g o n ce in a
part of this g reat body of h eroe s .
whi l e to look at a soldier's wea p o n . After
Beca use the war c a m e suddenly , a n d
three days in the rai n and mud not o n e
G erm any w a s swept away i nto t h e
weapon could pass s u ch a n i n s pe cti o n .
i m a g i n a ry world of g lo ry a n d g reat
When t h e h a u ptman reached t h e last
h e ro e s , it scared her as wel l . All around
row of m e n , h e turned, a n d s martly
h e r the young m e n yelled "Seig H e i l ! "
wal ked front and center with an a rroga n t
Then , t h e crowd went i nto a roar a s the
smile.
F u e h re r passed in h is Mercedes. What a
beautiful autom o b i l e , ope n-top and not a
speck of d u st from the roa d .
"We l l . s i nce n o n e of you h a s bothere d
to keep a c l e a n rifle, then n o n e of you i s
It was a
up f o r m e s s either. " H e q u i ckly looke d
proud time for G ermany, so powerfu l ,
upon t h e ran ks to see i f there w a s a n y
m o re so t h a n before t h e G reat War.
dissension.
Noth i n g stood in the way of the giant
"Good , I wi l l see you at 0500 for
exercises. You may return to yo u r
that seemed to stri ke h i m was the h e l met
barracks . " A s h e sca n n e d t h e g roup
of the man i n front of him.
a g a i n , h e saw the d i spleasure o n the
re mem bered that day i n Berl i n when he
soldie r's face s , but none spoke a word in
watched the men of the Wermacht m a rch
fear of the h a u ptm a n ' s wrath. As h e
tri u m ph antly through the streets p ro u d l y
exited the m otor pool, Erw i n Sajer, who
weari ng the i r m e d a l s . A n d t h e i r
had the rep utation of a tro u b l e maker,
helmets-that s e e m e d t o d efy t h e
said s o m eth i n g u n d e r h i s breath .
refl ection o f h eaven itself-were now
H a u ptm a n Sch e re r stopped, rai sed h i s
noth i n g more than tarn i s h e d , m uddy,
head, a n d faced the batta l i o n .
g reen, overturned bowls of ste e l . Was
"Because G renadier Sajer's stomach
seems to be g ru m b l i n g rather loudly, it
th i s the fate h e was resigned to? To b e
forever exh austing h i mself i n this reverie
leads m e to bel i eve that you men may be
of mud. As h e rou n ded the l ast l a p ,
h u n g ry . The mess h a l l wi l l be open for
Walther lowered h i s h e a d a n d headed
the n ext h o u r for this battalion . " Cheers
straight for the ba rracks . F a m i l i a r faces
came p o u ri n g out of the ran ks .
and voices, even a pat o n the back, a l l
H a u ptman Sch e re r i m m ed iately ra ised
l e d Walth er straight towards t h e o n l y
h i s hand to halt the excitem ent. Once
reward ing part o f h i s l ife as a g re n a d i e r,
there was s i lence, he lowered h i s hand
h i s b u n k. Tired from the ord e a l , a l l forg ot
and said, " Except for 2 n d Gruppe," as h e
how terri bly h u n g ry they were , turn i n g
fixed h i s e y e s o n Erw i n . "Maybe a l ittle
down bits o f food offered by m e n from
bit m o re exe rci se wi l l re lieve your h u nger.
other g ruppes. So tired that n o body
I ' d say about twenty m o re laps around
re membered to lynch Erwin Sajer.
the p a ra d e g ro u n d , wou l d n 't you?"
R e l ucta ntly, 2nd G ruppe followed
their U n te roffizier out thro u g h the hanger
*
*
*
"Wake u p ! " N o a n swer. Ernst was i n
a pan ic--04 : 5 1 a n d Walthe r l a i d
doors . As they made the i r way out to the
motionless. "Wake y o u d i rty bastard , th e
parade g ro u n d , the men began to talk
fe ldwe bel wi l l be h e re in less than five
q u i etly to one a nother. G l ances of
m i n utes for the morn i n g i nspecti o n ! "
disg ust fell on Erwi n , who by now had
Ernst's frantic words b ro u g ht Walther
fal l e n to the rea r of the col u m n and
i nto a conscience state.
refu sed to raise his head. Worst of a l l ,
his b u n k and began to dig for a cl e a n
as t h e y waded a ro u n d t h e parade g round
shirt and a knife t o scrape the m u d from
He s h ot o u t of
i n torrents of ra i n , they could smell the
his u n iform . P racti cally b u ried i n h i s own
food the other l a n d sers were enjoyi n g .
chest, there came a tap on h i s h e a d .
T h e m e n beca m e m o re voca l , exp ressing
was h i s good friend Kurt H e l bo u rg wh o
It
what they wo u l d l i ke to do to Sajer if they
handed h i m a bayonet with which h e
ever got t h e i r h a n d s on h i m . Erwin now
q u i ckly used to scra pe t h e m u d from h i s
tra i l e d the gruppe by a good twenty
u n iform . With i n a few seconds of getti n g
meters , not wanting to hear his comrades
h i m self togethe r, atte ntion was cal l e d ,
com p l a i n over his recent debacle.
and Feldwebel S h u lze entere d t h e h a l l .
Walth e r did not take part i n the i n s u lt
H e was accompan ied b y th e h a u ptman
cam pa i g n agai nst Erwi n , but kept run n i n g
and a strange l ittle man who wore the
thro u g h the ra i n , sta ring stra i g ht ahead.
un iform of an oberst, though h e was
H is fri e n d E rn st V i l lers fe l l i n next to him
clearly not m u ch of a sold i e r.
and i n q u i re d as to wheth er h i s strength
·
He
Rather than i n s pect this m o rn i n g , the
was h o l d i n g up. Wa lther, who took pride
feldwebel stood i n the doorway as h i s
i n kee p i n g h imself physica l l y fit,
two officers paced u p and down between
shrugged, and kept ru n n i n g . One thing
the bunks not paying as m u ch attention
HARPER COLLEGE LIBRARY
PALAT I NE, I LL I N O I S 60067
to the s o l d i e rs as they d i d th e i r conver­
h i mself. A n i n stant later, Grenedier
sati o n s .
H e l bourg's fist was buried i n h i s jaw.
U po n return i n g t o the entra nce , the
Wa lther, who did not get involved in
h a u ptman turned and spoke, "We are
any barracks brawls, sat to the side a n d
forego i n g exercises this morn i n g
wrote a letter t o his mother, wh i l e K u rt
gentl e m e n . " S o m e of t h e men looked
broke y o u n g Erwin i n two. M o m e nts
a ro u n d at each other p uzzl e d . " Pack
later, a tap on the back from Ernst
your rucksacks and prepare to move out!
re mi nded h i m that it was nearing the time
There will b e a d eb riefi n g for NCOs in
they mu st g o .
forty-five m i n utes at m y headquarters . "
H e headed for t h e door, fol l owing the
*
*
*
The a i r aro u n d them seemed stiff
oberst who had a l ready wal ked out of the
with the stench of rotten e g g s . They
building.
swayed back and forth, as the ha lftrack
J ust before leavi n g , t h e ha uptman
turned o n ce m o re to his confused men
trundled over what used to be a g razi n g
field. So far n o o n e h a d s e e n t h e battle,
and said in a ca l m m a n n e r, "Our Fuehrer
but fo r the last three days they h e a rd it,
has i nvaded M other R u ssia my boys !
even as they slept. Ernst spoke of
A n d we w i l l g o h e l p h i m ! " With that, h e
having vi sited the infirm a ry for stom a ch
left the barracks fo l l owed by Feldwe bel
cramps, and leaving with h o rrid v i s i o n s of
S h u ltze .
blood and screa m i n g s o l d iers.
The m e n in the roo m looked at each
oth e r i n a sto n i s h ment, but nobody could
N o body
had witnessed th i s othe r than h i m , and
no o n e really wanted to b e l i eve h i m .
speak. Walth er stared at the g round in
Despite h i s beati ng i n the barracks j ust a
front of h i m . N ever i n his wildest d reams
few weeks ago, Saj e r seemed to be i n
d i d h e think that h e would go th i s soon.
t h e best m o o d of a n y o n e , s i n g i n g songs
Then came cheers led by Erwin .
to h i m self and bragging about how m a ny
" F i n a l l y w e w i l l b e out o f th i s d u m p !
Maybe n ew u n iforms and defin itely better
Russians he was g o i n g to k i l l . Walther
and Kurt sat togeth er i n the front near
officers ! " S o m e of the other men
the d river, talking of home and
cheered when Erwin shouted these
wondering what the n ext few m i n utes
word s . But t h i n g s q u i ckly got q u iet as
may hold for 2nd gruppe. I t seemed odd
Kurt made h i s way towards Erwi n , who
to Walther that someone as l a rg e a n d
was barely half h i s s ize.
tough as Kurt m i g ht be scared o f
"J u st rem e m be r l ittle one, at the front
someth ing h e had n e v e r seen, but rather
you can't bitch about your boots being
only heard about from oth er soldi ers.
too tight, o r y o u r hel met not fitti ng right. "
They heard it clearly all a ro u n d them , the
Erwi n beca m e a n n oyed by this obvious
men's voices, and the ru m b l e of ta n ks
challenge to his character, but he dared
going past the flanks of their vehicle.
n ot say a word for fear of being
Wa lther leaned over to take a look out
p u m m e led by H el b o u rg .
the d river's view port, but s m o ke m a d e it
From a corn e r, Ernst spoke, "At the
difficult to see the ha lf-track i n fron t of
front the officers s hoot a man fo r
them carrying the fi rst gruppe. After
i n s o l e n ce . " T h e oth er m e n of 2nd
some maneuveri n g , track #1 ca m e back
g ruppe were suddenly re m i nded of the
in sight only to burst i nto a b a l l of o i l ,
fol l y the previous night had b rought.
scrap meta l , a n d flames th rowi n g m e n ' s
" H ere, I t h i n k we just teach them a
bodies from t h e h u l l . The track ca m e to
lesso n ! " S houts from the s u rro u n d i n g
a screech i n g h alt, th rowi n g m ost of the
men e n s ued as E rwin tried t o defend
men forwa rd .
they cleared ahead of the s m o ke , they
Then , a l l at once, U nteroffizier Kue h r
cou ld hear the ru m b l i n g sound getting
g a v e the o rd e r to b a i l out. A l l t h e m e n
clambe re d out t h e back of t h e track to
closer. T h e l a rgest tan k a n y of t h e m had
the rea l ization that they were u n d e r fire.
ever seen stopped o n the road i n fro nt of
They ra n as fast as they could towards a
them. They dove i n all d i recti o n s for
bank of trees, w h i l e h eari n g b u l lets
cover. It was R u s s i a n by m arki n g , a n d
ricocheti n g off the rea r of the track.
probably t h e s a m e vehicle that h a d
Feeling the h eat of a n exp losion on the
destroyed both tracks . T h e l a rg e
back of t h e i r legs and n eck, they th rew
mach i n e g u n o n the front of the tan k
themselves i nto a d itch . Walther
opened up o n t h e g re n a d i e rs before they
managed to turn h i m self a ro u n d and
could clear the road . There were s o m e
peer over the top of the berm , feeling a
nerve-shattering screams t h a t were
ru m b l i n g u nd e rneath h i m . T h i s wasn't a
com pletely d rowned out by the KV- l ' s
d itch , b u t a l a rg e s h e l l h o l e .
main armament as it blew apart a n ot h e r
Walther cou l d s e e h i s track through
unsuspecti ng vehicl e .
the s m o k e , or what was left of it. The
H i s task beca m e clear. Walther
right track h a d been thrown , and the
cou ld see that the leeward h atch was
d rivers were s l u m ped out of the back
open on the ta n k . Two seco n d s later, a
doors , s h ot while tryi ng to escape the
blast from the other side of the road
d e m i s e of t h e i r vehicle.
ca used the ta n k to l u rch to o n e s i d e .
H e could make
out most of h i s sq uad , counting eig ht.
T h e fa m i l iar b last pattern o f a
Looking back over the field, he tried to
panzerfa ust echoed from t h e roa d .
find the two m i s s i n g l andsers .
About ten
Walther stopped t h i n k i n g and s p ra n g
meters away, U nteroffizier Kuehr was
from h i s h i d i n g place, l e a p i n g o nto t h e
rol l i n g a ro u n d in pain with a severe neck
t a n k with a few s h ort steps.
wou n d . N ot two meters from the track,
grenade from h i s belt, yanked t h e wire
H e p u l le d a
bent back o n h i s knees, Walther could
free, and th rew it i n to the belly of t h e
see Saj e r.
t a n k . Diving back i n to the brus h , h e
H e h a d absorbed most of the
fi re from the m ach i n e g u n and was
almost broke h i s arm as h e fe l l t o t h e
g ri evously wou n d e d . Walth er bu ried h i s
g ro u n d . The ta n k s e e m e d to r i s e from its
face i nto the g ro u n d . " H e was j u s t
road-wh eels, smoking from every
s i n g i n g . . . j ust before . . . . " Walther was
crevice, as it fell back i n place .
having tro u b l e getti ng words out when
A l l the men rose and ru s h e d fu rt h e r
Ernst p u l l e d h i mself u p next to Wa lther
down t h e roa d . Walth er stayed n e a r t h e
and peere d out over the berm .
t a n k , proud of w h a t h e h a d d o n e ,
"So h e fi n a l l y d i d som eth i n g fo r the
ave n g i n g t h e deaths of h i s co m rades.
u n it--aren't we p ro u d ! " h e said as he
The forward h atch flew open and a
laughed out loud. Walther cou ldn't help
Russian soldier, sti ll afire, tried to get o u t .
but l a u g h a l i ttle too; the rea l ity hadn't set
Wa lther shot h i m with out re m o rs e ,
in.
He expected Saj e r to get u p and
l a u g h i n g , as h e t h o u g h t of Erw i n Saj e r
make s o m e s m a rt comment. Then
a n d h i s fi nal duty t o the com pa n y .
Gefre iter Koppe l , who had assumed
looked back i nto t h e cleari n g . About
com m a n d , o rd e red them to rise and
ten meters down the road was K u rt's
move out. T h e 2 n d gruppe cl i m bed out
broken body. Walth er stared at the
He
of the d itch a n d fi red i nto the sm oke .
ca rnage for a moment, rem embering
The i n fa ntry, who had d riven them from
their friends h i p , plans they m a d e w h e n
their veh icles, were fall i n g back. Ernst
the w a r was over, and the p ro m ises
blasted t h e i r pit with his sturmgewe h r,
made to protect each oth er.
and the g re n a d ie rs m oved a h ea d . As
were the tears for h i s dear fri e n d s w h o m
'"
Wh e re
he had been thro u g h so much with?
h e l met. It somehow rem i nded h i m of a
Was all the pain, s u fferi n g , and death
fa r-off past and youthful d re a m s ,
worth what the Reich set out to
rem e m bering t h o s e days t h e y t h o u g h t
acco m p l i s h ? K u rt's h e l m et was lying on
they were invincible. A n d t h e n there was
the g ro u n d nearby, g l iste n i ng from what
only Kurt's s m i l e , in his m e mo ry , as h e
l ittle s u n was p enetrating thro u g h the
h u rried t o catch u p with t h e gruppe.
blan ket of s m oke.
He s m i rked at the
J>A ..et. 0( PJ>t.
acrylic l 9 Y2x l 5
Guy Landgraf, Jr.
42