Communication skills in
Interpersonal
Relationships
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Comforting – helping another feel better about
themselves, behavior, or situation (pg 158)
Comforting improves self-esteem and relationship with the person
being comforted.
Skills for Comforting
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(pg 158)
Clarify supportive intentions
Buffer face threats with politeness
Encourage understanding through other-centered messages
Reframe the situation
Give advice
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Confirming Messages (communicates worth)
◦ Recognition
◦ Acknowledgment
◦ Endorsement
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Disconfirming Messages
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Self-perpetuating Spiral:
◦ Reciprocating communication pattern
in which each person’s message
reinforces the other’s
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Interpersonal Conflict
“…exists when the needs or ideas of one
person are at odds or in opposition to
the needs or ideas of another.”
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The Nature of Conflict
Expressed Struggle
Perceived Incompatible Goals
Perceived Scarce Rewards
(Time and Money)
Interdependence
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MANAGING INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT
Styles of Expressing Conflict
Nonassertion
Direct Aggression
Passive Aggression
Indirect Communication
Assertion
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- When People Do Not Express Their
Preferences or Defend Their Rights
◦ Withdraw or Accommodate
(pg 177)
 Studies reveal that dating partners do not express 40% of
their grievances
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Because…
◦ They Fear Costs
◦ Are Insecure
◦ Value Others above Self
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◦ Forcing (pg 177) satisfying own needs with no
concern for needs of others and no concern for
harm done to others or relationship.
◦ Forcefully making claims for ourselves
◦ Little regard for situation of rights of others
◦ Perception of Self as Powerful
◦ Devalue Others
◦ Lack of Emotional Control
◦ Defensiveness
High school teams with aggressive
coaches lose more games????
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People who receive aggressive messages from
partner are likely to feel hurt regardless of
relationship (Martin, Anderson, Horvath, 1996 - pg 174)
Men who view conversation as contests and
partners as opponents are 60% more apt to
die earlier
Newly married couples whose disagreements
were handled aggressively suffered a drop in
the effectiveness of their immune systems.
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Occurs when a communicator expresses
hostility in an obscure way
A Communicator sends aggressive messages in
subtle, indirect ways, maintaining a front of
kindness.
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Conveys a message in a roundabout manner,
in order to save face for the recipient.
Self-protection or Saving Face
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Expressing personal preferences and
defending rights while respecting others
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(pg 174)
Guidelines for Assertive Behavior
◦ Identify what you are thinking or feeling
◦ Analyze cause of these feelings
◦ Identify what your preferences / rights are
◦ Use description and “I” statements
(pg 174)
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“communication problems arise when
cultures that value assertiveness come in
contact with cultures that value accord
and harmony”
(Samovar and Porter, 2001).
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Even in childhood, men are more likely to be overtly
aggressive, demanding, & competitive
Females are more cooperative, less directly aggressive
Young girls in play are more likely to make proposals for
action ….. “let’s….”
Young boys are more likely to make demands without
offering an explanation
When dealing with conflict, females are more likely to be
passive aggressive.
College student survey: Females describe males as being
concerned with power and content / Males describe females
as being more concerned with maintaining relationship
“Threshold of Assertiveness”
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Individualistic cultures (US) feel the goals, rights,
needs of each person is important (assertiveness is
valued) – pg 174
Collectivist cultures (Latin America, Asia, South
American) feel the group is more important than
individual rights (harmony is valued) – pg 174
Individualistic cultures (Low context) like direct and
literal demands.
Collectivist (High context) like self-restraint to
avoid conflict / passiveness - pg 174
Northern European & North American (Greece, Italy)
see verbal disputes as a game
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Compromising occurs when partners each give up part of
what they want to provide at least some satisfaction for both
parties
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Collaborating is viewing the disagreement as a problem to be
solved, discussing issues & feelings, and identifying
characteristics of an effective solution.
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◦ Identify problem and own it as your own
◦ Describe the behaviors, consequences, and
feelings
◦ Don’t’ evaluate the other person’s motives
◦ Find common ground
◦ Mentally rehearse so that you can state your
request briefly
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Win-Lose
Lose-Lose
Compromise
Win-Win
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