Yo Mama or: Wherein We Examine the Effects of Obesity

Yo Mama
or: Wherein We Examine the Effects of Obesity
on D&D Characters
Morten A. Salvesen
[email protected]
Rules & Gameplay
Race . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Attributes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
<GinjaNinja> Your momma is so fat, she gets -8 to her AC.
As is obvious from the title (- “Yo Mama”) - this article will be a short examination of the effects of obesity on D&D role-playing characters1 . What sparked
this curious interest in the subject was the quote at the top of the section, which
I came over while browsing away on bash.org. I was explaining the joke to a
friend, thereby removing all traces of funny from it, and afterwards was left with
a feeling that much of the joke was left un-understood by my hapless victim of
comedy murder2 , so I decided to sit down and further mutilate this joke by
dissecting it and spreading the results over multiple pages.
Before I begin my engrossing study though, I would ask my readers to observe the following: I am in no way an expert on the field of D&D Character
Creation, D&D rules or anything at all related to D&D. I base all of my speculation on my own experience from D&D based computer games such as the
Baldur’s Gate, Icewind Dale and NWN series, as well as other such games,
and whatever information I’ve looked up on Wikipedia. So feel free to make
comments or correct me wherever I am wrong. Also I take for granted that the
earlier mentioned quote is correct in it’s assessment of fat people: They are easy
to hit! This is also something that is realistic3 . A very important fact in the
imagined and completely fictious world of D&D gaming. Because everybody
knows that while it is the utmost pish posh to think that a man can actually
throw a fireball at you, it would be even sillier to think that the afore-mentioned
imagined, completely non-existing and totally absurd fireball would not cause
damage to everyone in the surrounding area of where it exploded. That’s just
... unrealistic. Also one would have to be completely daft to even for one second think that if someone is actually able to conjure up and throw a fireball,
that that person is also capable of distinguishing between friend and foe, thus
making the following fiery explosion wreak justice only upon the asses of those
who truly deserve it4 .
So with that information and short digression in mind, I urge the reader
to journey on down these pages for an exciting discovery of fast food and it’s
effects. On D&D characters ...
1 On
the characters! The puppets! Not the puppet-masters! I am not saying that people
who play (PnP) D&D are fat, because fat people are easily offended and I don’t want to offend
the only people who might actually read this.
2 Whether my explaining or the joke itself is an attempt on comedys life is a discussion for
another time.
3 This has been proven by countless scientific studies. Many of which I have performed
4 Though these people tend, quite often really, to be you’re own team-members... So I guess
the rule is there for a reason.
Rules & Gameplay
First off I would like to give some information about D&D role-playing characters and how they work, for the people who are even less knowledgeable about
D&D than I am - but I will still presume that the reader has some knowledge
about role-playing, or just plain gaming, or maybe just a very lively imagination,
and can fill in the gaps himself. Basically what happens is that you, the player,
create a character who will be your avatar in the gaming world. You determine
what he or she (or it) will look like, what race you belong to (and we’re not
talking black or white here, although you can usually choose skin color from all
over the spectrum if you want), what strengths and weaknesses you have, how
intelligent, good looking or strong you are, and what things you’re good at. So
as I said, you create your own character! We shall start with the basics: The
name! No, really, we’ll take a short look at the race you choose.
Usually the very first thing you decide is what race you’ll be playing. I won’t
go into the different types of races one can choose from. But I will remark that
depending on what race you choose you will often get different perks and/or
handicaps to abilities, skills, everything. Also the different races tend to have
different average size and physical builds (like elves who are often tall and slim.
And sexy), as well as different “racial philosophies” and ethical values. Humans
tend to be the most neutral races: Not specialized in any way, and with few
added bonuses like an extra feat and skill points at first level, and in many game
worlds they are very often the most tolerant and tolerated of races.
So we see that the race of the character is not really that important when
we’re discussing obesity - except perhaps to note that you’d have to be an
especially gluttonous halfling to become as fat as we’re talking - but I will still
focus mostly on human (or neutral) race characters. Because this makes it all
easier, but mostly because I haven’t seen that many fat elves or planetars eating
at McDonalds.
Next up are the attributes. Now the attributes define your characters physical
and mental characteristics, and give modifiers to many of your skills - more on
these later (ref: skills) - so these are often the first thing to be decided. The way
things are determined in D&D games is often by the use of dice. So basically
your character is governed by chance. Much as in real life. Except that in real
life you can work out to build strength, study to enhance your knowledge and
undergo operations to make yourself look better. So ... not that much like real
life at all. Though it should be noted that as you gain experience and level
up, you will be able to add points to your attributes. Another way to specify
your attributes is by a point-buy system, where you either roll dice for points
or you are assigned a specific number, and then you space them out across your
Now the different attributes are
STRength: This is a measure of your muscle strength, stamina and endurance.
So if you’re strong you can hit harder, run longer and you can take a
tougher beating.
DEXterity: This is the all-round attribute, which for some reason governs
most of your skills and a ton of other important stuff. Why they decided
to put so much importance in this stupid attribute when you need every
point you can get in charisma to make a decent (read: kick ass) sorcerer, is
beyond me. Now the physical abilities governed by dexterity are hand-eye
co-ordination, agility, reflexes, precision, balance and speed of movement.
Dexterity also affects initiative in attack, projection of missiles - both from
hand and other5 - and defensive measures.
CONstitution: Key-words are physique, fitness, health and resistance to diesease.
And poison. Basically what this does is tell you how many hit-points (HP)
you have, that is; how many times can I hit you before you die.
INTelligence: Dis here be dee-scribehn yer smarts! Sort of like IQ, reasoning
and learning. It also governs how many spells a Wizard (ref: class) may
WISdom: Enlightenment, judgement, willpower and intuitiveness. Also defines the chance of withstanding a magical attack, as well as governing
Cleric’s and Druid’s spells.
CHArisma: How physically attractive you are, as well as a measure of your
persuasiveness and personal magnetism. Notice that the charisma is not
just a measure of how sexy you are, so ugly characters can have a high
charisma as well. Governs Bard’s and Sorcerers6 spellcasting abilities.
Important to all characters, unless you want to make a very annoying one
that nobody likes.
5 Hey! Know what that means? Means you won’t be able to hit anything with that damn
fireball of yours unless you spend a ton of points in dexterity! Of course, considering the
extreme splash damage of the fireball that doesn’t really matter, as everything in a 5 mile
radius is gonna be charred to a crisp anyway!
6 Everybody loves Sorcerers!