Matt Coppa
Mcoppa@starmagazine.com
Mattcoppa@aol.com
www.MattCoppa.com
646-752-5149
Manager:
Greg Weiss
Onentertainment
917-912-5564
Gweiss@1-ent.com
Monologue
Did anyone watch the recent MTV Video Music Awards? How are you
enjoying middle school?
Not me, I was catching up on Ray Donovan and Breaking Bad. That’s right,
I’m a real man. A man who likes to watch men pretend to do violent things
to each other with guns and bats and knives… while I’m swallowing a tub of
froyo on my microfiber sectional couch.
Nah, of course I watched the VMAs. With performances by Lady Gaga,
Taylor Swift and Drake how could I not? It makes me feel like a teenage
girl. So ecstatic and free... and disgusted with my body.
Of course everyone was talking about the scandalous Miley Cyrus
performance. People were shocked at how quickly she’s grown up. But all I
could see was a sad, 20-year-old girl with a broken wing and daddy issues.
Her name is Sheila and she lives across the street from me. It’s amazing how
powerful those Sharper Image binoculars are.
But as far as Miley goes if there was ever any proof she’s still a childish brat
it was that dance. First off, when a woman twerks it should be magical. She
should bend over and present herself like a bonobo monkey in heat, flapping
her ass cheeks and wafting out her scent with love, a beautiful smelly
butterfly ballet. Can you see it? Picture Kim Kardashian on a treadmill.
Instead Miley squats around like a sex-crazed, drug-loving maniac just to
look mature. But that never works. Maturity is realizing that acting like a
sex-crazed, drug-loving maniac doesn’t make you an adult. Hiding it does.
Act like you’ve been there before Hannah Montana.
Miley’s not alone, when I was a teenager I was also desperate to be accepted
by the older crowd. But my Aunt Margaret and Uncle Jim just thought I was
a poser.
They weren’t the worst aunt and uncle ever though. That would have to go
to Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen, Luke Skywalker’s annoying relatives in the
original Star Wars. Those two had one job, to protect Luke Skywalker from
the all-powerful evil Empire and his dad Anakin Skywalker. One job, and it
never occurred to them to – I don’t know — change Luke’s last name? How
hard is it to just call him Luke Spacejogger?
At least my aunt and uncle had a reason to diss me. When I was a kid we
went on a family vacation to Florida and they saw me use one of those
plush, croissant-shaped neck pillows on the plane. That’s right, not only did
I purchase and use a toilet seat for my head that’s made from the guts of
discarded Beanie Babies, but I compared it to a fluffy French breakfast
pastry. I know, I’m a bad ass.
Worst of all it didn’t even work for me, and now it actually enrages me
when I see people who can sleep using those things. Just looking at them all
comfy and cozy, with their stupid neck things and eye patches, curled up in
those cheap blue blankets and slobbering all over themselves. They’re
peaceful yet disgusting. Just like Anakin Skywalker when he removes his
Darth Vader mask.
Three Doctor Sketches:
SKETCH 1: WORLD TRAVELER
OPEN ON: PATIENT JOE AND THE DOCTOR IN THE EXAM ROOM
The Doctor looks quizzically at his chart.
DOCTOR
Have you recently been to Tibet?
JOE
No.
DOCTOR
Hmm, that’s strange. How’s about the coast of Haiti?
JOE
No, never.
DOCTOR
Really? Have you ever spent a night at a male only massage hut in
Bangladesh?
JOE
Absolutely not.
DOCTOR
Did you get a dragon tattoo on your back from a Triad in China’s Dark City?
JOE
No.
DOCTOR
Enjoy a kayaking excursion in the sewers of Albania?
JOE
No!
DOCTOR
Well, that is very good news.
The Doctor makes a big check on the file.
JOE
What was that check for?
DOCTOR
I just used science to rule you out from ever having slept with my wife.
JOE
What?
DOCTOR
And you have Lupus.
End
SKETCH 2: SAY AHH
OPEN ON: PATIENT JOE AND THE DOCTOR IN THE EXAM ROOM
Joe’s mouth is wide open while the Doctor looks around with a tongue
depressor and flashlight.
DOCTOR
It’s wet alright.
JOE
(with depressor still in)
What?
The doctor takes the depressor out and looks Joe up and down.
DOCTOR
Your tongue and mouth, they’re wet. Probably from saliva. Now let me see
your forearms.
Joe rolls his sleeves up. The doctor looks closely at his right forearm.
DOCTOR
How did you get this little red dot?
JOE
I don’t see a dot.
DOCTOR
It’s super small, almost like a mosquito bite.
JOE
Do you mean that mosquito bite?
DOCTOR
Oh Duh, it’s just a simple mosquito bite. My apologies, as a doctor I have to
scrutinize any abnormality, you understand of course. That’s fine, nothing to
worry about.
JOE
Ok cool, thanks Doc.
DOCTOR
But we will have to remove your throat, you have throat cancer.
END
SKETCH 3: THE ARTISTE
OPEN ON: PATIENT JOE IN A HOSPITAL GOWN WAITING IN THE
EXAM ROOM AND STARING AT PAINTING OF A FOX HUNT.
The doctor walks in.
DOCTOR
Well there you are, we’ve been looking all over for you.
JOE
But you told me to wait in here and put this gown on.
DOCTOR
I was talking about your penis. Just kidding. Say, I see you’re admiring my
painting.
JOE
Yeah, it’s pretty good.
DOCTOR
You know I painted that myself.
JOE
That’s very impressive.
DOCTOR
Have you ever painted anything?
JOE
No, not really.
DOCTOR
No portraits or sunsets or anything?
JOE
No.
DOCTOR
That’s a shame, because if you did I would be on the next bus over to your
house to buy it.
JOE
That’s nice, I guess.
DOCTOR
It’s amazing how much the price of art increases after the artist dies.
JOE
Wait, what.
DOCTOR
I guess it’s simple economics, supply and demand. Oh, and you’ve got
incurable Ebola.
END
Quotables:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
“I don’t think I’ll buy, but I would like a test drive of the latest
model.” — Leonardo DiCaprio at a Victoria’s Secret show.
“Wow, that Miley Cyrus is one hot piece of ass.” — Billy Ray Cyrus
to no one in particular.
“Think about it as 50 Shades of Grey.” – Inspector training at a hot
dog plant in Milwaukee.
“You should always separate whites and colors.” — Paula Dean
while doing laundry.
“Man that was an epic boomerang throw!” – No one ever.
Field Pieces
Simply the best
Pete goes to various places of business and sets up a competition to deem
one employee “the best.” The competition will consist of trivia questions
and physical challenges. Except they will have nothing to do with the
person’s competence at their job.
- Accounting office: Boy band trivia, bench press challenge and arm
wrestling bouts.
- Car garage: Haiku writing race, cup cake baking contest and classical
music “Guess That Tune.”
- Hair salon: A pie eating competition, chair building and UFC trivia.
- Best Buy: Driftwood whittling, British Naval history and competitive
dog grooming.
At Home with Holmes
Structured like a home makeover show, Pete will either meet someone on
the street and offer to redecorate their home or have someone lined up before
hand. Once at their residence Pete will size up the place and then, with a
team of helpers, redecorate. But what the people don’t know until the reveal
is he’s redecorating it to mirror as closely as possible his lonely, messy
bachelor pad, which we’ll see in a mock image.
-Couple’s yuppie apartment: Pete removes all artwork, plants and
furniture and replaces it with a single leather couch, a square piece of wood
for a coffee table and a brand new glass bong.
-Barren college dorm: Pete may add some black lights, and a few
cinder blocks but will mostly just move furniture around and leave a picture
of his parents.
-High-end bachelor pad: Pete just messes it up like he’s lived there
for a few days and when the reveal happens he’s drunk and naked in the
kitchen and crying.
The Product Tester
A Pete centric take on Consumer Reports, he checks out the wild claims that
popular commercials make for a product and tries to literally recreate it to an
unbeknownst public.
-Axe Body spray: Pete douses himself with the stuff and walks
around the street, approaching beautiful girls waiting for them to actually
throw themselves at him and badger them with questions when they don’t.
-The Snuggie: Pete goes to a Dodgers game while wearing a snuggie
to see if the comfort and joy promised in the ads live up to the billing.
Instead he gets heckled and threatened.
-Adult Diapers: Pete goes about a daily routine – to the market, at the
gym, to the Gap — in nothing but an adult diaper to test its absorbency,
comfort and social acceptance.
Pop Culture Sketch Ideas
The Bourne Matrimony
Setup: Jason Bourne has been living on the lam when he meets the woman
of his dreams, at a deli in Long Island, NY. Now Bourne and his super
opinionated and domineering wife Brenda are always on the verge of getting
tracked down by assassins.
A series of quick vignettes at different locations with Bourne trying to
navigate potential danger and his wife’s reluctance to listen to anything he
says, dooming them both each and every time.
-While at the mall Jason and Brenda hold hands and smile. Suddenly
Jason notices strange men walking around, must be hit men. He tells Brenda
they have to leave quietly. She argues with him, she hasn’t been to
Bloomingdale’s yet and there’s a bag she wants. Too late they’re attacked by
15 killers and die.
-In the car Jason and Brenda are enjoying a lovely conversation.
Suddenly Jason notices strange vehicles following, must be hit men. Jason
begins speeding up and weaving in and out of traffic, Brenda freaks out,
screams that he’s going to get the both of them killed. He argues back and
gets distracted and they’re blindsided by another hit man and die.
-At dinner Jason and Brenda are enjoying delightful appetizers.
Suddenly Jason notices strange men lurking at an adjacent table, must be hit
men. A second later the entrees arrive. Jason tells Brenda not to eat her
Salmon. But Brenda’s starving and she argues, who’s going to poison her?
The two get into a heated discussion and the hit men walk up to the pair and
shoot them and they die.
Pot: The Story of Stoners
Setup: Recurring sketch riffing off of the popular History Channel Series
Mankind: the Story of All of Us, take the same tone, over the top graphics
and sober narration. But instead of explaining how the Bubonic Plague
spread it’s goofy tales about Weed minutiae and etiquette and how it
evolved through time.
-Chapter 27 The Great Shakeup: It’s 1972 and we follow University
of Michigan Student Jim Dunning back from winter break. He checks out his
stash and notices that his buds have dried out and crumble in his hand. No!
He tries to get his weed into his bong’s bowl but just makes a mess.
Frustrated he shatters his bong on the ground when he notices an old cigar
his roommate Derrick’s dad had dropped on the floor. It’s a Phillies Blunt.
Enlightened Jim rolls a super thick joint with his remaining shake. Soon his
dorm buddies follow, ushering the glorious dawn of a new era of Blunt
smoking.
-Chapter 12 A New Order: It’s 80 BC and there’s a circle of Roman
guards smoking and laughing as they haphazardly pass a doobie. One of the
guards gets passed over twice and enraged stabs one of his fellow guards in
the neck. He believes it’s unfair to just pass a joint to whomever you want, it
needs to be in a consistent clockwise or counter clockwise motion, but once
the pattern is set there can be no changing until the next joint is lit. That
guard was Julius Caesar and when he became emperor he imposed his
smoking law on the whole Empire.
-Chapter 84 Vaporized: In 1998 a group of NASA scientists were
studying high temperature microwave emissions when Dr. Seth Johnson’s
weed stash exploded in his chest pocket. While Dr. Johnson was killed
instantly, the other doctors noticed a puff of weed smoke cleaner than any
they had ever seen. Soon they developed that technology to create the
vaporizer smoking paraphernalia of choice for wealthy Yuppies around the
world.