Session 4
Marriage
BE a real man – God’s Way
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The real man and...
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a friend
his devotion to God
prayer
his marriage
his children
his acquaintances
his work
his free time
BE a real man – God’s Way
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Ephesians 5:22-33
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The physical and spiritual union of a man and a
woman
◦ Harper's Bible Dictionary
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A humbling journey
◦ Jim Burns, Creating an Intimate marriage
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Covenant, not contract
Contract
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Covenant
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◦ Mutual contribution of two business partners
◦ Arrangement ends if contributions are not satisfactory
◦ Loving agreement, bonds together in love
◦ Covenant love in bible: Never stopping, never giving up,
unbreaking, always and forever love
BE a real man – God’s Way
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1 Corinthians 13:11 (ESV)
11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I
thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man, I gave up childish
ways.
BE a real man – God’s Way
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Leave parents’ home
Education/training
Job
Marriage
Parent
BE a real man – God’s Way
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G. Stanley Hall, Phsycologist, 1904
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Men
Bible
Boys
Worldly
Men
Boys
Adolescence
BE a real man – God’s Way
Adolescent
Men
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“The essence of man is taking responsibility” –
◦ Mark Driscoll
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MEN
Biblical
Producer
Create
Worldly
Cultivate
Consumer
Destroy
BE a real man – God’s Way
Decay
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Tough
Defend,
justice, mercy
Honourable in
business
Truth, error,
false teaching
Sin
BE a real man – God’s Way
Persistent
sinful brothers
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Tender
Wife, children
Encourage
downcast
Teaching the
simple
Comfort
hurting
BE a real man – God’s Way
Already
broken by sin
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Lacks emotion (other than anger).
Not verbal, no opening up
No deep conversation with wife, selfish
Not physical unless sexual
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Learn:
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◦ Both man and woman created in image of God
◦ Both have same emotions, express different ways
BE a real man – God’s Way
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Possessions
Beauty of wife
Appearance
Performance of children
Income
Skills
Degree
Car
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Hates to be under authority
Appoints himself as king and lord
Be in charge, boss around, barks orders
Whiny
Their wives often weary, shows on faces
Children either dispise or parrot
Bible reading:
◦ Remembers: Man is head over woman
◦ Forgets: Repentance, friendship, love, humility
BE a real man – God’s Way
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Disorganised with life
Keeping a job difficult
Responsibilities in way of hobbies, friends
Immature in interests and mannerisms
Money trouble, borrows
Women sometimes attracted, mothering
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Works hard – job, garden, house
Pays bills
TV
Always busy on something
◦ Car, internet, housework, study
◦ Something other than connection with family
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Solo or male activities – hunt, fish, ride
Physically present, emotionally absent
BE a real man – God’s Way
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Christian t-shirts, bumper sticker
Christian music, books
Embarrasses wife and children
Everything has connection with out-ofcontext bible verse/theological position
BE a real man – God’s Way
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Tough
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Religious – All factions
False teachers – Apostle Paul (Saul)
Proud - Pharisees
Arrogant – Pilate, Peter
Tender
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Women – Adulteress, Mary, Woman at well
Children – brought by disciples
Suffering – All he healed
Humble – Centurion’s with sick daughter
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The husband must so unite authority and
love that neither of them may be omitted or
concealed, but both will be exercised and
maintained. Love must not be exercised so
imprudently as to destroy the exercise of
authority; and authority must not be
exercised over a wife so magisterially and
imperiously as to destroy the exercise of
love
◦ Richard Baxter - The Godly Home
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For Himself
◦ Carpenter
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For his Mother
◦ John
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For Us
◦ On the cross
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The World
◦ Father sent son
BE a real man – God’s Way
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Be head of wife as Christ is of church
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Take responsibility
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The husband must undertake the principal part of the
government of the whole family, even of the wife herself
◦ Lovingly, humbly, sacrificially leads
◦ Self, Dependants, Others
◦ Richard Baxter - The Godly Home
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1 Peter 3:7 (ESV)
7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an
understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the
weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of
life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
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Men fear commitment – don’t like responsibility
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Woman? Fear of men being adolescent men?
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When a woman marries a man, she’s trusting that for
the rest of her life he won’t hit her, cheat on her, rape
her, or kill her; that he’ll work hard, pay the bills, love
their children, finish the race well, and walk with Jesus
till the end; that if she gets sick, he’ll look after her;
that if she is dying, he will be faithful to her.
Gentlemen, it is a terrifying thing for a woman to trust a
sinful man. Will he take responsibility or dump it all on
her? Will he be too tough and crush her? Will he be too
tender and allow her to be crushed? – Mark Driscoll
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My dear wife, Muriel, has been in failing mental health for about eight years. So far I
have been able to carry both her ever-growing needs and my leadership
responsibilities at CBC. But recently it has become apparent that Muriel is
contented most of the time she is with me and almost none of the time I am away
from her. It is not just “discontent.” She is filled with fear — even terror — that she
has lost me and always goes in search of me when I leave home. Then she may be
full of anger when she cannot get to me. So it is clear to me that she needs me
now, full-time.
Perhaps it would help you to understand if I shared with you what I shared at the
time of the announcement of my resignation in chapel. The decision was made, in
a way, 42 years ago when I promised to care for Muriel “in sickness and in health
… till death do us part.” So, as I told the students and faculty, as a man of my
word, integrity has something to do with it. But so does fairness. She has cared for
me fully and sacrificially all these years; if I cared for her for the next 40 years I
would not be out of debt. Duty, however, can be grim and stoic. But there is more;
I love Muriel. She is a delight to me — her childlike dependence and confidence in
me, her warm love, occasional flashes of that wit I used to relish so, her happy
spirit and tough resilience in the face of her continual distressing frustration. I do
not have to care for her, I get to! It is a high honor to care for so wonderful a
person.
- Robertson McQuilkin, resignation letter
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Do you
◦ Hit her?
◦ Push her?
◦ Grab, restrain, threaten, intimidate, get in her face?
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Physical protection in today’s world
◦ Leaving her with too much responsiblity alone?
◦ Finance? Homework? Administration? Children?
Workers in home?
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I’m not emotional, I don’t connect
LIES. Same emotions, different expressions
Male friendships – shoulder to shoulder
Female friendships – face to face
Not enough to say “I didn’t...”
What DID you do then? Try
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Be Intimate
Get to know her (again)
Tell her about details
Open up, be honest, be loving, be passionate
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Words of affirmation
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Encouraging words, kind, humble,
Quality Time
Undivided attention
Receiving Gifts
Physical, self
Acts of Service
House work, cooking, errands
Physical Touch
In passing, intimacy
The five love languages - Gary Chapman
BE a real man – God’s Way
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“The tongue of the righteous is choice silver; the heart of the wicked is
of little worth.” (Proverbs 10:20, ESV)
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“The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools
pour out folly.” (Proverbs 15:2, ESV)
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“A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.”
(Proverbs 15:4, ESV)
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“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will
eat its fruits.” (Proverbs 18:21, ESV)
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“With patience a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue will break a
bone.” (Proverbs 25:15, ESV)
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It is the duty of husbands to preserve the authority of their wives
over their children.
◦ Richard Baxter - The Godly Home
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“But if anyone does not provide for his
relatives, and especially for members of his
household, he has denied the faith and is
worse than an unbeliever.” (1 Timothy 5:8,
ESV)
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The husband is to be the chief provider for
the family.
◦ Richard Baxter - The Godly Home
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Get a grip on your finances
◦ Delegate if you need to, but you are accountable!
BE a real man – God’s Way
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Commission:
◦ always checking your phone? Always on internet?
TV in bedroom?
◦ Have tech free times in the house
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Omission:
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(if you are the technology minded one...)
Take care of her upgrades
Perhaps record her favourite shows
Make sure her phone is charged
BE a real man – God’s Way
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A good husband will either make a wife
good or will easily and profitably endure a
bad one.
◦ Richard Baxter, The Godly Home
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Discipline of a Godly Man –
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The Godly Home –
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The Five Love Languages –
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Real Marriage –
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Creating an intimate marriage –
Kent Hughes
Richard Baxter
Gary Chapman
Mark and Grace Driscoll
Jim Burns
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?
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