It has been almost 6 years since I've last spoken about Ate in front of all of you. I
have always wanted to share more than just poems or songs that I've composed
for her, but rather, I have also wanted to share a story probably most of you had
never heard of from me.
I was born around 2 years and 5 months after Ate. I remember asking mom if she
had wanted me to be a boy since she already had a daughter and she said, "No,
because I wanted Ate to have a playmate." Well, it was funny because Ate didn't
really seem want one at first. There came a time wherein Ate and I were playing
with our Barbie dolls, and she bit herself several times just so I could get
punished and get sent to the corner, while she would happily play alone. And it
worked. There was also a time wherein I was around 3 or 4 years old, and mom
and dad were out. I got so furious that they weren't home yet so I packed my
Barbies and their clothes. Ate went up to me, while holding a Barbie car, and
said, "You forgot this." And if you really do want to know the end of story, well,
my yaya told mom and she called the house.
But as years had passed, I turned into her fat not-so-little sidekick and we just got
used to being around each other, especially when we lived in Australia. We were
no longer around our usual friends and cousins; we only had each other. When
we wanted to copy the movie entitled "Selena", she told me, "You be Suzette and
I'll be Selena, because Selena’s name is closer to Justine than to Celine." And I
thought, okay, if that's what Ate says, then it must be true.
Not only was she my playmate, but she was also my protector. During our Kinder
years in Poveda, our classrooms were only a few doors away, so whenever I
would get bullied, I would just come running to her and she'd take care of the
rest. She made my classmate cry after she bullied me. I had classmate who was
quite big and didn't believe that Ate was in Kinder 3 while we were in Kinder 1.
Their solution? They compared their height. Ate was slightly smaller so she
tiptoed a bit with her "I'm not letting myself lose" face. And did she lose? No, she
didn't.
I guess I could say that when Mio was born, I tried to act like an older sister
though Ate always took the lead, so I didn't have to worry. When she had
reached her pre-teen years, she stopped playing with me and started having
some alone time, so my only playmate was Mio. Nevertheless, in school, I
always had her. When I was sick, she walked with me until I told her I could go
on alone. When I had no money, she was there to give me some. Whenever I
saw her, I would proudly tell everyone that she was my sister, and I'd end up
chasing her around the cafeteria.
But as I too grew up, I started to understand her a little more. When we were in
Ateneo, a boy went up to her and handed her a palanca. I was so shocked that it
looked like it was my first time to ever see a boy. I threatened her that I would tell
Mom but she begged me not to. When we got home, we had a talk in our room,
and we finally came to an agreement. I said that I wouldn't tell and to my
surprise, she opened her arms and we both hugged, which was quite unusual.
And to be honest, I secretly didn't want to let go.
One summer morning, I woke up and didn't see Ate lying down beside me. I
looked up and noticed her dressed up in the bathroom, ready to go somewhere. I
asked, "Ate, where are you going?" She replied, "To the hospital. I'm getting a
bloodtest." I didn't worry at all since it was normal. At around lunch time, I saved
her some food and waited for her to come home. Later on, I got a phone call from
my mom and I heard her crying on the phone. After hearing the news about Ate, I
immediately told Kuya Carlo. I was told by mom to pack clothes for the whole
family, and so I took the responsibility of doing so. I wanted her to have
something to cuddle in the hospital, so I packed her Ateneo Larry Fonacier pillow
which was just lying on her bed.
As I arrived in the hospital, I saw Ate on the hospital bed grinning. I was told to
stay there and feed her since everyone had to head out. I took care of her and
she acted like she was my little kid sister. When she finally came home after her
first operation, I acted as her ‘nurse’. I gave her her food, medicine, I helped her
move from room to room as I pushed the computer chair with her on it. As I look
back, it seemed as if, little by little, I was taking care of her just as she had
always taken care of me.
There was a time wherein I sent a ‘group message’ on Yahoo Messenger saying
“My sister is in the hospital and she is in pain. Please pray for her.” After, I got an
IM from my sister saying, “I’m not in pain.”
I was 10 years old. I didn’t fully understand what Ate was going through. I didn’t
know how crucial her sickness was. I couldn’t even imagine what was going on, I
wasn’t prepared for anything, and all I expected was that everything would be
okay.
Fast forward to May 14, 2006. Just as I had thought Ate was slowly recovering,
she was admitted again in the hospital and was about to undergo her second
operation. I was hoping that it would be the last and everything would just go
back to normal, but when I finally saw her the next day in the ICU, that was when
my doubts arose. I was in denial. I thought, being the little girl that I was, that
since God was there, nothing bad would happen. In short, He wouldn’t let her
die.
Before Ate’s third operation, mom and I went down to the ICU to say goodbye. I
leaned over, kissed her forehead, and said, “I love you, Ate.” As mom and I
walked away, I started to cry. At the same time, I hoped that Ate wouldn’t see me
that way. On the way up, I asked mom, “Why did we have to say goodbye if
we’re going to see her again?” Mom said, “It’s just like kissing your titas and titos
when you say bye, even if you’re still going to see them again.” Through the
hours, I tried to distract myself with other things. I had my rosary bracelet around
my wrist and I held it whenever I wanted to pray.
The moment I saw and heard my mom crying, I knew that my fears had turned
into a reality. I tried to compose myself but upon hearing the news about Ate, I
just lost it. For a moment there, I told myself that I was mad at God for letting that
happen. Mio approached Tito Jem and me and asked, “What happened to Ate?”
while crying. The words just couldn’t come out of my mouth, so Tito Jem replied,
“She’s in heaven now.”
When we went to the operating room, I could not even believe that she was
gone. To me, it looked like she was sleeping. I tried whispering, “Ate”, but she
didn’t wake up. I tried shaking her a bit, but she didn’t wake up either. I put my
hand on her chest, hopeful of feeling her heartbeat, but I felt nothing. I hugged
and kissed her for the very last time, and just like that time when we had a talk in
our room, I did not want to let go, and I no longer wanted to keep it a secret. If
only I hugged her longer while I still could.
The next day, I woke up, and for a second, I forgot about everything that had
happened. Then I remembered the dream I just had of me and Ate. We were in
Enchanted Kingdom then suddenly in Shangri-la. She was wearing her favorite
shirt, along with her white shorts, and she seemed happy. She gave me a hug
and said, “I will always be here for you.” Then I opened my eyes and saw mom
and Kuya Carlo crying, and I cried too. I hated hearing the words “Justine just
passed away” whenever I would pass by relatives who were on the phone. I
hated seeing people crying all the time; in the car, in the hospital, and even over
lunch at home. Regardless of where I was and who was around me, I often found
myself crying.
This was when I turned to God. In such a short period of time, I got to know Him
more; I understood His ways and eventually, I accepted His plan. I trusted that
Ate was finally in His arms again, in a painless life.
Everything was different. I no longer had a sister who would sleep beside me
every night, nor a sister who I’d go to school with everyday and would never
make me feel like I was alone.
A few months before her passing, we got home from school and I started
practicing my pieces for voice lessons. Ate was in the room that time and after I
sang, she told me, “You’re so good. You should join ACT next year.” And so I
did. I thought that through ACT, I would be able get myself together again.
Moreover, I would honor Ate.
6 years. That’s how long ago this chain of events was, yet everything seems like
it just happened yesterday. The memories are still fresh in my head, but I
thought, I would rather have it that way than to not remember anything anymore.
How could I forget Justine Bengzon, my big sister, my playmate, my protector,
my best friend? There are still what ifs that run through my head. I could only
think of and imagine the life that mom, dad, Ate, Mio, and I could have had
altogether. But every once in a while, I’d remind myself that we’d meet again. We
love you, Ate. We’ll see you soon.