Flowers from Hell
by Edmond Rinnooy Kan
The bouquet of flowers was ugly: a hideous mix of yellow and pink
birthwort with an orange monkey cup flower in the center. Not only was
it ugly, it also had a disgusting smell, plus the leaves had barbed edges,
causing a sharp pain that would typically last for weeks. Harold called it
“Flowers from Hell.”
It was a new concept, totally different from anything else in the floral
industry. The design was so disgusting and visually so penetrating that
it jumped at you from every flower stand. But it also had a sense of
innocence, it was true and honest, nobody had tried to make it look
better than it was. Harold presented “Flowers from Hell” on Facebook
as the perfect bouquet for bad times. “Sorry to hear your dog was ran
over by a truck,”- Great moment for Flowers from Hell , “Too bad that
your chemo didn’t work”- Great moment for Flowers from Hell, “Second
foreclosure on your house?”-Great moment for Flowers from Hell. When
Obama beat Romney at the presidential elections in 2012, Harold send a
large bouquet of “Flowers from Hell” to Romney with the note “Yes, Mit,
you are a loser”, Great moment for Flowers from Hell. On his website
Harold was quoted: “People are fed up with the classic beauty bouquets,
they want something new, something different, something that fits our
time. They want something ugly. And that is exactly what Flowers from
Hell has to offer.” “Flowers from Hell” became a business, a small but
profitable business, employing four people plus a couple of additional
ones in the harvesting season.
In the summer of 2011 Harold got a phone call from a man called Trevor
Sanchez. Trevor hosted a radio talk show on WSKG, a local station in Up
State NY.
“Dr. Hilfred?”
“Yes,” Harold said.
“My name is Trevor Sanchez, I am the host of a radio talk show on
WSKG”
“Yes, I know you,” said Harold, “I listen to your show every now and
then.”
“That is always nice to hear.” said Trevor, “Do you like it?”
“Well, yes.” said Harold, “it’s OK. I like your interviews better than your
choice of music.”
“Really?” said Trevor, “for most people it is the other way around.”
““I only like ugly music”, said Harold, “and that is not easy to come by.
“Ugly music?” asked Trevor.
“Yes”, said Harold, “music that is not polished and redone in a recording
studio. Raw music, not fit to be broadcast yet if at all. No melody, no
rhythm, just one big mess.
“Like noise?” asked Trevor
“Yes, like noise,” Harold said, “but there is an important difference.
Noise is spontaneous, uncontrolled. Ugly music is designed to bother
people, it is a conscious effort to make the listener uncomfortable.
“I see”, said Trevor, “that is all very interesting. It brings me to the
reason of my call. I would like to invite you to be a guest on my show
next week”.
“Why?” asked Harold, “I am a very boring person. I find it hard to say
anything about my self.”
“You don’t have to talk about yourself”, said Trevor, “I’d like to talk with
you about what you do.”
“Like what ”?” asked Harold
“Like Flowers from Hell”, said Trevor
Harold was silent for a while, then he said:
“I have to think about it.”
“OK”, said Trevor, “I’ll call you back on Monday”.
After he hung up Harold realized that “Flowers from Hell” had risen
above anonymity. He didn’t like that idea, He was shy, uncomfortable in
the presence of others. The idea of being interviewed made him
nervous. He called his friend Ernie and asked for advice.
“Of course you should do it”, Ernie said, “it’ll give you a lot of free
publicity. Many people listen to the Trevor Radio Show. Actually, I think
they broadcast the show nation wide from New York City. Plus you have
a lot to say, Harold, you know all this paradoxical stuff. People like that.
Many years ago Harold had discovered a phenomenon called
“paradoxical conversion”. After he graduated from medical school,
Harold Hilfred MD went on to specialize in Psychiatry. During his
training, he got involved in a large study about anxiety. The purpose of
the study was to find if people could overcome their anxiety by taking
some kind of appropriate action. For example: if a child stands on the
edge of a swimming pool, but is afraid to jump in, everyone would be
inclined to tell him “come on Charlie, you can do it, come on we are right
here to support you Charlie, you don’t have to be afraid”, or words like
that. Usually this doesn’t work. On the contrary, the child gets more and
more anxious and ultimately gives up all together. Harold found out that
if you say, “I wouldn’t do it Charlie, much too dangerous, you’ll never
make it Charlie, you better give up”, usually Charlie would jump in the
water immediately. Herold called it “Paradoxical Conversion”. He made
a big name for himself with it and used it successfully on many of his
patients. Paradoxical Conversion also became the basis for “Flowers
from Hell”: if someone feels bad, give him something to feel worse and it
makes him feel better.
That Monday Trevor Sanchez called again.
“Dr Hilfred, have you made up your mind?”, Trevor asked.
“I spoke with my friend Ernie”, said Harold, “and he said that I should do
it.”
“Great”, said Trevor and it sounded as if he meant it.
“Yes”, said Herald, “great, and I am bringing Ernie along”.
The WSKG studio’s were in downtown Binghamton. It was a shabby
building with many people hanging around outside, doing nothing.
Harold pushed the bell, a voice answered
“Yea, what?”
“This is Harold Hilfred and Ernie Steffelton for Mr.Sanchez”, Harold
replied.
“Oh, Trevor”, said the voice.
“Yes, Trevor”, said Harold. He started to feel irritated.
There was a buzzing sound and Harold pushed the door open. It was
dark inside, but with some effort they found a door with WSKG painted
on it. Herald knocked on the door. After a while it was opened by a girl
with orange and blue hair. Harold noticed that she was wearing two
different shoes.
“Brilliant”, he mumbled, “absolutely brilliant.”
“Are you the voice?” Ernie asked her, trying to be funny.
She didn’t get it. Her name was SSacha: “With double s.” she said
“We are here for Trevor.”
“Yeah, I know, he’ll be right out.”
They could see Trevor behind the studio window, finishing up the first
part of his show. Next to him sat a black man with large sunglasses.
“He is blind.” SSacha said, “His dog is under the table.”
Part one of the Trevor show had finished and Trevor came out to meet
his guests for part two.
“Hi everybody”, he said jovially, “Welcome to WSKG. SSacha can you
take care of Joe and call a cab for him”
“This is my friend Ernie”, said Harold.
“Nice to meet you, Ernie”, said Trevor, “let’s go to the studio”.
They had ten minutes to chat a little bit. Trevor explained what was
going to happen.
“After the news jingle is finished, we come on the air. I do my usual “dobe-do-be-do” and then I’ll introduce you to the audience. And then we
talk. That’s all. How shall I introduce you, Ernie”.
“As a friend of mine”, said Harold
The news break was coming to an end and Trevor was getting ready. A
big clock was counting down the seconds. At zero Trevor started,
“Hi everybody, we’re back for the second half of the Trevor Radio
Show.” He made a long rolling ‘r’ both at Trrrrrevor and Rrrrrrradio. It
sounded like a low budget sound effect and Harold wondered if that was
what he meant with ‘his usual do-be-do’.
Trevor continued; “…….. and for this second part I have two wonderful
guests, Doctor (that rolling ‘r’ again) Harold Hilfred and Ernie …… well
Ernie ….. I forgot to ask you, what is your last name. Can you help me
out?”
“Steffelton.” said Ernie.
“All right”, said Trevor, “Harold Hilfred and Ernie Steffelton. Harold is
the man behind “Flowers from Hell” and he is going to tell us all about it.
And why did you bring Ernie along, Harold?”
“I am uncomfortable talking to people”, Herald said, “Ernie is my friend,
his presence helps me to stay calm. And he can stop me when I start
talking nonsense.”
“OK Harold, let’s start with you”, Trevor said, “now I think most people
will be familiar with Flowers from Hell”, but maybe you can explain
what it basically is.”
“Flowers from Hell”, is a gift, like regular flowers, the only difference is
that they are ugly and you give them when someone is down in the
dumps.”
“Now, you use two terms there, Harold, “ugly” and “down in the dumps”.
Lets start with “ugly”. How the Hell can flowers be ugly?” Trevor
thought he was witty playing with word “Hell”
“Listen, Trevor”, said Harold, “I am not going to tell the so-called
“Flowers from Hell” success story again. Everybody who is interested in
how a bunch of horrible looking, stinking, stinging flowers became a hit ,
can go to our website Flowers from Hell.com And you can find more
stuff there, things most people don’t know. For example stuff like …….
Ernie interrupted: “Are you sure you are ready to come out with all this,
Harold? “Sure, sure” Harold said and continued “‘Flowers from Hell” is
part of a much larger series of other “From Hell” products. We have
“Dogs from Hell”, “Panties from Hell”, “Books from Hell.” You name it,
we got it. We are also talking to Facebook to start “Facebook from Hell”
“So you have started a entire “From Hell” product line,” Trevor said
“Yes, of course. If “Flowers from Hell” works then why shouldn’t
“Panties from Hell” work too?” said Herald. “And dogs from hell?”
“Now, wait a minute.” said Trevor, “Explain to me why Panties from Hell
is going to be a hit,” Trevor responded.
“Well”, said Herald, “what is the biggest anxiety you can have about your
underpants?”
“That they are dirty, I guess”, said Trevor
“Not only that”, said Harold, “That they are dirty, that they stink, that
they show spots and that they don’t fit, i.e. that they don’t look sexy”
“All right, all right”, said Trevor, “so what?”
“Well that is exactly what “Panties from Hell” has to offer. First of all
they don’t fit, they are made not to fit you, they are asymmetrical, they
cannot possibly fit you, they are a big, bulky, one-size-fits-none
mismatch for every thinkable set of bums. Then, they are white,
everything shows, farts, pee, blood, sperm, everything and we guarantee
that these spots don’t wash out. Finally, every “Panty from Hell” is
impregnated with a touch of hydrogen sulfide, you know, that rotten
eggs smell. Unfortunately that washes out in a couple of washes, but you
we sell a “Hydrogen Sulfide from Hell” spray to touch up the smelly
parts.”
Trevor started to laugh.
“And you are trying to tell me that that sells?”
“I don’t see what is so funny about this”, responded Harold. He started
to feel irritated. “I don’t think it sells, I know it sells. Between 10 and
15% of underwear wearers would love to be relieved form their bad
underwear anxiety. With “Panties from Hell” they don’t have to worry
about it. They don’t have to worry if their panties are bad, because they
know they are. End of worry. I am talking 10 to 15% of underwear
wearers! Do you know how many people that is, Mr. Sanchez? That is
between 50 and 75 million people in the US alone. That is between 600
and 900 million people worldwide. What is so funny about that!”
“Where does that 10 to 15% come from” replied Trevor.
“It is a, simple, scientifically accepted, statistic fact.” 10 to 15% of all
people have a type of anxiety that can be cured by presenting them with
that same anxiety in the worst possible form. It is a phenomenon
referred to as Paradoxical Conversion in the scientific literature.”
Ernie interjected, “Dr. Hilfred was the first to discover this phenomenon
when he was working as a Psychiatrist”.
“I knew you were a MD, but I didn’t know you were a psychiatrist. Are
you still practicing”, Trevor asked,
“No”, answered Herald, “I was kicked out of my profession by the
Psychiatry Review Board”
“Why were you kicked out. What happened?” Trevor asked
“I went mad”, said Harold
Ernie intervened “Maybe this is something you don’t want to talk about,
Herald.”
“I was kicked out, because I went mad”, Harold continued, “there is
nothing unusual for a psychiatrist to go mad, but the board did not like
my kind of madness”
“What kind of madness did you have”, Trevor asked
“I contracted the disease that I was trying to fight. The concept of
Paradoxical Conversion became so powerful for me that I couldn’t
separate it from my every day life. For breakfast I switched from a soft
boiled egg to a hard boiled egg, not because I liked a hard boiled egg
better – on the contrary – but because a hard boiled egg activated my
past experience a soft boiled egg more effectively than a soft boiled egg
did. This breakfast example is quite innocent, but Paradoxical
Conversion had penetrated every aspect of my life. I was ruled by
paradox. I put on summer clothes in the winter, slept during the day,
was up at night, picked up the phone when it was not ringing, took a
downtown subway when I had to go uptown, started to write from left
to write, etc., etc. Mind you, these were not mistakes, they were
conscious choices! When I started to walk backwards, my wife called
911. They took me to the emergency room and found that I was
psychotic like hell. Yes, like Hell, that’s exactly what they said. They kept
me in the clinic and pumped me up with anti-psychotics. After a week
they declared me cured and dismissed me. I was better for a while, but
started to fall back into the same behavior. I knew I was slipping and
sliding, but I couldn’t help myself. I started to wear my underwear over
my regular clothes, wear my glasses on the back of my head, put up an
umbrella when I took a shower.
This Paradoxically Conversed Behavior also impacted my practice. I
became obsessed by role reversal and basically asked my patients to
cure me i.e. take my stethoscope and listen to my heartbeat, write
prescriptions, schedule follow up appointments, etc. Complains were
pilling up. Finally I the only word I would say was “really?”, I said it over
and over again, the whole day long. The Review Board acted swift and
prudently. They suspended my license forever and once again I was
admitted to a psychiatric hospital. After 6 months they said I was ready
to make some first preliminary explorations in the real world outside,
the first small steps towards social reintegration. I felt great anxiety. I
was safe in the ward, I knew everybody and didn’t have to keep up
appearances, everybody knew that I was nuts. When I told my
psychiatrist about it he said, “You know Harold, you used to be such an
advocate of Paradoxical Conversion Therapy, we are going to follow
your lead”. And they dismissed me there and then. Ten minutes later I
walked out of the clinic. I had lost my fear. I was part of the 10 to 15%!”
“OK”, said Trevor, “So, your are clean now. But what made you use
“paradoxical conversion” as a basis for developing products. How did
that come about?”
“Easy”, said Harold, “I think. I always think. When I am walking on the
street, I think, but not about walking on the street, but about something
that has nothing to do with that. I think about gold fish, brushing my
shoes, roof top antennas, how to extract gold from the Atlantic ocean, or
my aunt Nelly who is dead. All kinds of nonsense. So one day, about
three years ago I was brushing my teeth and I started thinking about
“Paradoxical Conversion” products and then I came up with “Flowers
from Hell”.
“Did you immediately think of it as concept, I mean a basis from which a
whole line of products could be developed”
“Yes, I saw that immediately. But, come to think of it, my first thought
was “Facebook from Hell”, “Flowers from Hell came in second”.
“So, how does “Facebook from Hell” work”, Trevor asked.
“It is simple, Trevor, everything I do, is simple, simplissimo! Why do you
think Facebook is such a big hit? Or all social media for that matter”
Harold didn’t wait for Trevor’s answer “because people are lonely. They
work alone, the eat alone, they sleep alone. They live alone, they are
socially deprived. So they go to Facebook and what do they see?
Everybody is happy, beautiful, smiling, and on vacation all the time.
Now, there are people who enjoy seeing that, but from the 300 million
Facebook visitors 10 to 15% is disgusted with it. They are miserable to
begin with and to see other people having a good time all the time,
makes them even more miserable. That’s where “Facebook from Hell”
comes in. We’ll show them pure shit, people who are not doing well,
people with terrible skin diseases, people with no friends, people who
are even more miserable than they are, people who haven’t spoken to
anyone for weeks, people who don’t dare to say hello to the pizza
delivery man who delivers them pizza every day because every day they
feel too lonely to buy food themselves. We show them the bottom of the
barrel”.
“And, what good does that do?” asked Trevor, who understood very well
what good that would do, but he wanted to be sure his audience would
get it too.
“We make them feel worse to make them feel better. That’s the basis of
Paradoxical Conversion Therapy, remember. We are healing them, we
are making them better with pure shit! ?
There was a short silence. Then Trevor said
“But, you can do this with almost everything”.
“Yes professor!” Harold yelled, “but not with almost everything, but with
everything! That is to say, with 10 to 15% of everything”.
“Any particular area of everything that you are working on now?”
Trevor asked
“Yes”, said Harold. It was a strong, determined “Yes”. He was looking at
Ernie.
“Are you sure you want to go into this, Herald?”, Ernie said
“I am not sure of anything.” Herald replied.
“You make me very curious.” said Trevor.
“OK”, said Herald, “Yes, there is a specific area that we are working on. It
is the most interesting area you can imagine, by far the most interesting
and the most impactful, by far the most impactful. What do you think it
is, Trevor?”
“He, Harold, I am the one here who’s asking the questions”, Trevor
laughed.
“Just think about it, Trevor, just think about it. What would be the
hottest area for us to go into with our “Paradoxical Conversion” method.
Where can we impact our whole nation, even the whole planet!”
“OK, Harold”, said Trevor, “enough of this drama building, just tell me”
“Politics!” Herald whispered out loud.
“Politics?” Trevor asked.
“Yes, politics”, said Herald, “thanks to the Paradoxical Conversion study
we know, and I am telling you this is no speculation, we know that both
in the Republican and the Democratic Party 10 – 15% of the electorate
is provided with the wrong message. 10 – 15%!!! The outcome of
elections are determined by a one to two percent margin. At the most!
We are talking 10 – 15%, that is huge! We are talking landslides here,
unprecedented dominance in both houses of Congress. We are talking
about a radical change of the political landscape, if the Paradoxical
Conversion card is played. And we are going to play that card! Next
month we shall announce the start of the “Tea Party from Hell”
“….. Amazing”, said Trevor, “Absolutely amazing. So, how will the “Tea
Party from Hell” position itself in the D.C. political arena?”
“There are many possibilities, all I can say now is that we are talking to
both sides of the aisle. And if there were ten sides to the aisle we would
be talking to all ten of them!”
Ssacha was ticking on the studio window. The new guests had arrived.
Trevor nodded yes.
“Well Harold, Ernie this was an absolutely incredible story. Thank you
for coming to the studio and sharing it with us. I wish you good luck and
I am sure we shall hear more of you. Thanks again.”
They were driving back from Binghamton, without saying a word.
Finally Harold said: “Why didn’t you stop me, Ernie, all this non-sense
about Facebook and the Tea Party from Hell. You know I start babbling
when I am uncomfortable. That was why I wanted you around. To stop
my bullshit before it happens.”
“I tried, Harold, I tried, but I couldn’t stop you this time. You sounded so
driven, so convincing. You sounded like a man with a vision.”
“A bunch of flowers is all I’ve got, Ernie. An ugly, stinking bunch of
flowers.”
“That’s right, Harold, that right”, said Ernie and they drove off in the
darkness of the night.