CONTENTS
PAGE
Dedication
3
Introduction
4
Scriptural Outline
6
Preface
7
Acknowledgements
8
Chapter 1
A Time to Be Born
9
Chapter 2
A Time to Plant
19
Chapter 3
A Time to Pluck up What Is Planted
28
Chapter 4
A Time to Kill, And A Time To Heal
51
Chapter 5
A Time to Break Down And A Time to Build Up
64
Chapter 6
A Time To Weep And A Time To Laugh
74
Chapter 7
A Time to Mourn and A time To Dance
84
Chapter 8
A Time To Throw Away Stones, and a Time to Gather Stones Together
91
Chapter 9
A Time To Embrace
104
Chapter 10
A Time To Refrain From Embracing
113
Chapter 11
A Time To Get, And A Time To Lose
132
Chapter 12
A Time To Rend, And a Time To Sew
145
Chapter 13
A Time To Keep Silence, And A Time To Speak
171
Chapter 14
A Time To Love, And a Time To Hate
192
Chapter 15
A time for war
227
Chapter 16
A Time For Peace
263
Chapter 17
A Time To Be
279
Chapter 18
Our Time Will Tell
305
Chapter 19
To Everything There Is A Season
340
1
DEDICATION
At key moments in time on my life’s journey I have chanced upon the highs and stumbled
headlong into the lows of personal relationships. The one that leaves the most lasting
impression was with my Great Grand Mother: Emily Miller-Billet. As a tribute to her life and
memory, this book is lovingly dedicated to Nana Bea. She has gone home to be with Lord, but
will forever remain alive in my heart.
A greater source of love I’ve never known
This remarkable woman of prayer
Her poise and radiance so because
Her life was sought upon her knees
From God above her strength received
She filled my life with so much love
And spared me, from the painful rod
A child must know the way to go
The Word of God says strictly so
God’s love was taught to me in truth
Applied to my heart while still in my youth
And filled with the Holy Spirit’s Power
I too learned to pray hour by hour
Her teaching of faith and Christ like aims
Has kept me strong in spite of pains
Rising from victim, to victor, again and again
She taught me well, now Time Will Tell!
2
INTRODUCTION
From the perspective of the writer of Ecclesiastes, the Preacher as he is called there, we learn
that life like the wind can change direction at any time! My life has certainly changed
direction, like the wind… and I'm sure those of us who have encountered the testing variations
life brings will accept that we live in a world of change. The consequence of change is that our
conditions of life alternate from one season to another persistently; in the same way, the cycle
of nature constantly ebbs and flows, waxes and wanes; from one extreme to the other in a
sequence of purposeful functions. And so we are to learn to be grateful for each season, for it is
not in our power to change what is appointed for us, the Preacher is specific on this point for he
definitively declares: “to everything there is a season."
In a very cathartic sense, this book represents a recollection of some of the more testing times
and seasons of my life’s journey so far. Retrospectively, because of my experiences and the
lessons I have learned, I gratefully acknowledge that each season has enriched my life, and
intensified my tenacity to achieve my God given purpose.
My work with young people in church and in a residential care environment has brought me
into contact with the sensitive and anguished issues many of them face daily. The trepidations
of life are by no means unique to secular society, and indeed make their presence felt even in
the Body of Christ. Accordingly, as a youth pastor and residential social worker my
experiences are far reaching. Predominantly, my life has been spent either surmounting my
own obstacles, or being part of the process that enables others to surmount theirs.
3
I pray this book will be a blessing to every child who never knew a mother’s love; and
everyone that was robbed of their childhood by an abuser. To every mother who lost a child to
enforced separation or the anguish of an untimely death. Included in this blessing is every
person who reads this book and shares in the commonalities of sorrows and setbacks that are
encountered, whether it in the “Spring, Summer, Autumn or Winter” seasons of life, I pray that
you will stop taking it out on yourself and let God take the self out of you.
On our journey through life, we may have to make frequent stops and starts before we are able
to reach our destination. The travel may be long and frustrating, there may be detours and dead
ends, which at times make the journey, seem to be going nowhere, but be encouraged. Those
hindrances are not diversions of life; they are all part of the planned journey. So there is no
need to be anxious about where you are on the journey right now, look with faith, and you will
see that your destination is just up ahead.
Our destiny can be delayed, but it can never be denied. Even though we have been messed up,
or have messed up ourselves; the Good News is that God is a God of second chances. He will
heal our pains and forgive our mess up’s, bless us with a new beginning and reveal to us the
directions to a brighter tomorrow.
Bear in mind however, that the lessons we have learned during those frequent stops and starts,
and how we then actuate the revelations we received through those experiences, will make the
difference to how the journey unfolds, and indeed… Our Time Will Tell!
4
The Preacher Declares in Ecclesiastes 3: 1-15
1: For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
2: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3: a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4: a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5: a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a
time to refrain from embracing;
6: a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7: a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8: a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.
9: What gain has the worker from his toil?
10: I have seen the business that God has given to the sons of men to be busy with.
11: He has made everything beautiful in its time; also he has put eternity into man's mind, yet
so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.
12: I know that there is nothing better for them than to be happy and enjoy themselves as long
as they live;
13: also that it is God's gift to man that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all
his toil.
14: I know that whatever God does endures for ever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything
taken from it; God has made it so, in order that men should fear before him.
15: That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already has been; and God seeks what
has been driven away.
5
PREFACE
This inspirational passage, written by Solomon (the Preacher), as he is called in Ecclesiastes;
sets in motion the idea that for everything there is a season. His timeless words encourage our
understanding of the vicissitudes of life. Solomon wants us to know that “Life” has its seasons,
and of course not only the seasons of the turning of the earth. And so he challenges his readers
to evaluate life not by its changes, but by God’s unchanging faithfulness.
We are born into an ever-changing world; where we live influenced by those changes. We
journey on through a lifetime of seasons, times and cycles; gathering experiences, as we travel
from nursery to puberty and on into adulthood. Life waxes, and life wanes; until we arrived at
our golden years, hopefully joined by understanding and sagacity. However, we also know that
the final change of death must come to each of us.
Hopefully having learned something from life's constant changes our journey becomes one of
awakening, until we are able to acknowledge that the universe operates in cycles and seasons,
comings and goings, beginnings and endings, all outside of our human control. And so
hopefully we become more aware that a season is the symbol of the cycles of manifestation in
which our soul evolves under God's purposeful direction. The point is that regardless of the
season of change, we are to turn again to God, and renew our connection to our inner divinity.
Therefore, our life's journey becomes a spiritual journey, through which God transitions us;
and taking the journey whole is the key to our fortitude. “It is not how or when we arrive but
taking the journey that counts.” This passage, therefore, invites an awareness of the “Divine
Plan” God has for our lives and the fundamental need for our steps to be ordered by Him. And
in Him; Our Time Will Tell.
6
Acknowledgements: I am humbled and forever grateful to God for my amazing journey of
life. Through it all, He has been transitioning me through the seasons, cycles and times of hurt
and heartache, to seasons of purpose, passion and power; thank you Abba Father. I
acknowledge my love and sincere appreciation to my late father Beresford Billet, 1919-1992;
and my late mother Francella Stevenson, 1927- 2005. I cannot find the appropriate words that
could properly describe my adoration and appreciation for my amazing family; my children
Sophia-Marie, and Lorron-Scott, grandchildren, Charmelle, Antonio, Shankara, Jouvalle, and
Cameron. And the special bundle of pure joy that is my Great Grandson… Harley. Of course,
this tribute would not be whole without a special note of recognition for my late daughter
Nicolla-Mae, who before her passing inspired me, and insisted that I write this book. It was
difficult at times; but my testimony by way of a “writing cure” not only served as a cathartic
function, it also brought my latent memories to the fore, and unified my disconnected
recollections into consciousness. Through my experiences, I have gained sagacity, and insight I
can share with others who, are still going through turbulent times. The curative release of
putting these events on paper has strengthened my emotional and spiritual life. Clearly, the
challenge being to learn more about myself, my strengths and weaknesses, and to draw closer
to God as an element of my personal growth. There were instants while writing a sensitive
passage, when there were feelings of both despair as well as deliverance. Nevertheless, I held
firm to the promise, that if in all my ways I acknowledge Him, He would direct my path.
(Proverbs 3:5-6). When the motivation comes from God so does the objective, and that
boosted my faith to finish this project. Whether we are affected by change, loss or pain;
expressing our thoughts and feelings about traumatic events, even in writing can be quite
daunting, but it’s all a part of the healing process; and in the end, openness is what healing is
all about. So, “Behind me is infinite power, before me is endless possibility, around me is
boundless opportunity” Author Unknown. And because of my ever faithful God, I am assured,
Our Time Will Tell!
7
Chapter 1 - A Time To Be Born
8
“Times, cycles and Seasons” in the practical everyday sense affect us all. Primarily, since time
eternally encompasses all human life! That is to say, the dimension of times, cycles and season
endorses no age barriers, no gender restrictions, no cultural distinctions or geographical
limitations. Bearing this in mind we also acknowledge that in a theological sense Solomon in
his acute wisdom understood the eternal dimensions of times, cycles and seasons; and
authenticated this by his declaration in Ecclesiastes 3:1: “For everything there is a season,
and a time for every purpose under heaven:” And so it is from both the practical and the
scriptural position that we are awakened to the truth that “our lives consist of time, episodes in
time and the comprehensive periods of time known as seasons of life”. http://www.Creation
foundation.co.uk/ Ecclesiastes. These are the events in time which God uses to bend, stretch,
mould and transform us into who He wants us to become.
Essentially there are seasons in nature that illustrates God’s purposeful intention of life. We see
this explicitly in the new birth of spring, the summer of growth, the autumn of maturity and the
winter of deterioration. These seasons of life are the essence of our earthly existence;
particularly, when we consider that the measure of time made available to each one of us is
extremely limited, constantly ebbing moment by moment, breath by breath. Consequently, as
we journey the highways of life we are to understand that each season simply refuses to be
hurried but will insist on running its course according to the divine plan and purpose of God.
Let’s consider the seasons; spring, summer, autumn, and winter for a moment; each one
presents us with a completely different approach to the relentless cycle of nature. Crops yield
their harvests at specific times of the year.
9
Species of birds and animals are present during different seasons. Then there are weather
conditions that are naturally more conducive to each season, while some conditions are
captivatingly more favourable than others. Some seasons may even last longer than others, but
each season has something distinctive to propose to the cycle of growth and decay, and like it
or not each of us is likely to experience all those season on our journey of life; simply put, that
is the nature of life. We are made aware in this enduring chapter that Solomon wants us to
appreciate this precious gift of times, cycles, and seasons of life, so he elucidates: “There is a
time to be born and a time to die”. These are certainly two distinct precincts of our earthly
existence; yet we have no control over either event. Nevertheless, in the brief hiatus between
these extremes of life we will have options to take and decisions to make, but, as to our
outcome, only Our Time Will Tell!
All human existence begins with a time to be born, and despite how utterly common the birth
of a child the experience is always miraculous. Whether the delivery is complicated or easy, a
mother's initial response to her baby is something she remembers for a lifetime. The emotional
connection with her newly born child is a sacred and powerful union; and something amazing
takes place in that very instance. Significantly, a new-born baby enters a world where
everything is different from what has previously been known in the warmth of a dark womb.
The child enters a world that may be alternately exciting and terrifying. At such a mystifying
time, it is vital for the presence of a loving nurturer to cushion the transition, as boundaries are
defined that connects mother and child spirit to spirit in an organic cycle of life.
10
The disturbing undercurrents of this accepted connection reveal that there are as many
rationales as there are mothers who have been denied this natural bonding cycle, and are
required to relinquish the right of motherhood, often against their will. Perhaps she is unable to
give her child the practical expectations of life; or the forfeiture is demanded in order to save
the family image. (You have brought shame on this family). However, no family name should
be deemed more significant that the life of a child; since it is God’s purposeful intent for
children to be the eternal ingredient of all families. This qualifies the premise that every
child’s well-being is of paramount importance. Furthermore, we appreciate that a mother
naturally desires the best for her child. Even so, how do we define what really is best; having
made the definition, and that kind of far-reaching decision? Clearly, the conclusion to separate
a mother from her child is a complex and emotionally charged issue; since the need arises for a
mother to make life-altering choices. Should she marry the man responsible? Bring up the child
alone? Decide to terminate the pregnancy, or explore the option of adoption? These are all
potential choices, yet we discover two that are irredeemable, so can they be considered
appropriate alternatives?
The overwhelming emotional anguish of permanent separation is well known by my mother
and me. Amazingly, the pains, rejections and anxiety my mother suffered to bring me into this
world, and then compelled to turn her back on me, somehow characterized our lives thereafter.
As a small child in a household where love was expressionless the daily realities of life
constantly overwhelmed me to tears, angry outbursts and countless periods of withdrawal.
11
In seclusion, I allowed my imagination to lure me into a make-believe world where I lived with
my mother who loved, and cared for me. I craved love, and acceptance; I needed a mother,
prayed for a mother, but she never came. I felt unwanted; and a burden to those who were
obligated to care for me. Don’t get me wrong, I was cared for. I had more materially than most
children; yet, something significant was absent from my life. The best clothes and the most
expensive toys can never substitute for genuine love and affection in a child’s life. As young as
I was, I was sensitive to the feelings of my extended family, and although I didn’t understand
the names, they called me, I was conscious of the reason for their coldness, after all I was the
by-product of an illicit union, and to make matters worse I was dark skinned like my mother,
and they were not. (Children are more sensitive to the truth than adults realize, and have a
greater capacity for understanding that we give them credit for).
In seeking love and approval, I did everything I could to please them. Since my father was at
work during the day, I saw him only briefly before going to bed at night. In those momentary
periods however, I had someone to interact with. We would play hide and seek, tag, and chase
each other around the large dining room, much to my aunts and grandmother’s open
annoyance. And as he read me a bedtime story, we would laugh, something that only happened
when my dad was around. Then it was time for bed, and I would slip again into the makebelieve world where I lived with my mother who showered me with love, and affection.
Growing up in a strictly religious household, church was a must. In our junior bible class, we
would regularly be given a magazine, called “Our little friend.” I really enjoyed the contents
and would read avidly from cover to cover, completing the activities and puzzles within hours.
12
On a particular occasion, I drew a picture for my dad from one of these magazines on an old
Christmas card, and cut it out using one of his leather cutters. Unfortunately, my masterpiece
was scored eternally in the surface of the ornate mahogany dining table. The consequence was
the rod of correction was not spared. I was beaten so badly, my face arms and legs were
swollen for days. The welts looked like tiny little snakes wrapped tightly around my body. To
relieve the pain, I found comfort in food, especially sweet things. I would sneak into the pantry
and gorge myself. Sometimes I would become really sick, and I quickly learnt from those
experiences that I could actually make myself ill, whenever I wanted to, I could have a
temperature, stomach ache, or head ache, just by the combination of foods I ate.
Children “should be seen and not heard” was one of my aunt’s favourites adages, so after my
home-schooling classes each morning I would either retreat under my father’s bed, or make
myself sick and be sent to my room, where I would read for hours, including passages from the
Bible, which was an important feature of junior Bible class. Each child would recite their
passage before the whole congregation during family service. I was pretty good at that, and l
was asked to do more in youth church. I believed from my painful experiences of rejection and
disregard that to be accepted and included, I needed to do extremely well at all times, and
applied it to everything I did; wanting so desperately to fit in, to be loved, and to belong.
Doing the dishes, (not the pots and pans) after the evening meal was one of my daily chores.
The sink was far too high for me to reach so I had to stand on a rickety old stool. This meant
that I was in the precarious position of falling head-first into a sink full of dirty dishes.
13
Although I knew it was wrong, when no one was around, I thought it more fun to stand in the
sink and wash the dishes. Unfortunately, my aunt caught me doing this. You guessed it … the
rod of correction was not spared. This time I had to be taken to the hospital for treatment, for
the gashes in my head and back. My dad was seething when he came home and found me
swathed in bandages, and although I did not hear what was said, I knew there had been an
argument. The atmosphere was heavy the following morning, very little was being said, and for
days afterwards, you could cut through the tension with a knife. This unusual atmosphere was
followed by several shopping trips. I always got new things when there’d been an argument,
and my aunts were much nicer to me, which was even more unnerving, than being, abused,
rejected or ignored.
Shortly after this severe disciplining, my father said we were going away for a visit. Although I
had no clue what that meant I was excited. This was my first going away for a visit, and I was
going away with my dad. I could hardly contain myself. The day came for us to leave, and I
was so ecstatic I ran out the house ahead of my father without saying goodbye to my grandma
and aunts. They didn't seem keen on saying goodbye either, and that’s how it was left. The
journey on the buses and train was long and exhausting, and my excitement soon found its
peak in slumber. When I awoke the following morning, I was in a large comfortable, yet
unfamiliar bed. The sun was streaming through the window, and outside a rooster was paying
homage to the new day, but I didn’t have a clue where I was. As pleasant as my new
environment was, I was anxious. I wanted to get up but wasn't sure I should. Would I be
scolded if I did? I decided to pretend I needed the bathroom, and headed out the door; I then
realised I didn’t know where the bathroom was. Hearing, oh, you're awake? Made me jump! I
turned and saw the smiling face of Nana Bea, my Great Grand Mother, and ran to her.
14
She hugged and kissed me, sat me on her knee. This was good to me; someone other than my
dad did love me. After breakfast that morning, my father explained I was going to live with
Nana Bea. He was going home, but would come and see me at the weekends. When he left, he
hugged and kissed me and asked me to forgive him. It was years later before I fully understood
what he meant, and drew such comfort from knowing how much my father loved me. A new
season commenced, and the earlier time of hurt and anxiety was left behind. An era of life that
shattered the frozen fear and the illusion that I was not loved was over. Oh Satan is a liar!
Just as there are the seasons of the year: spring, summer, autumn, and winter, there are the
seasons of our lives. We each journey through them. “A time to be born” was the spring of our
becoming, a time when we were in need of guidance, and loving discipline. A time for parents
and caregivers to have guided us in ways that encouraged our essence. It was a time for
positive attention, a time to feel safe and valued. It was a time for direction in God’s love, a
time to be shown love, and allowed to express love. It was the appropriate time to be allowed
to contribute to our development as we struggled to make sense of our daily experiences in the
home, in school, in church and in the wider community.
What a difference words make in the life of a child... Foremost in the spring of our lives
‘words’ are key in building up or demolishing the spirit. Encouragement and positive praise
are far more effective than anger and disapproval. The falsehood of the nursery rhyme we all
learned as infants: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me," is
a lie from the pit of hell, and many of us still need to be delivered from its cruel conviction
once and for all.
15
No matter how thick skinned we are as adults ‘words hurt ‘us. And if words can hurt us to the
point of offence, and violence at times, imagine what our words are doing to our children. Our
words influence our children’s behaviour. Positive words can bring out the best in our
children’s confidence, in their capabilities, which builds self-esteem, while negative words
inevitably bring out the worst by restricting their natural capabilities, suppresses their
confidence and diminishes their self-esteem. We can choose to make our words motivational
and life giving, or harmful and destructive. Our choice of words and our tone can make the
difference between a caring or cutting response. Furthermore, our awareness of the tremendous
power of words to help or to hurt can lead us to soften a complaint, by choosing not to use
words of sarcasm, blame or criticism, since they convey coldness rather than care.
Children learn best in an environment where their relational, physical, and spiritual needs are
absolute, and they feel protected; for they are born with an innate sense of wonder; you can see
it in their eyes. How often have you looked at a small child knowingly gazing at the distance
and thought to yourself, “I wonder what they're thinking about?” A child's sense of wonder
is the root capacity for their faith in God; and unless that wonder is cultivated and the
meaningful adults in the child’s life, exercises wisdom in nurturing that capacity, faith in self
and God rarely intensifies. These factors are essential qualities for growth and progress in the
crucial times of development in a child’s life. When we ground our children in the knowledge
that even in what seems to be life's most difficult times they are not alone, that the God, who
sent His Son to give His life for them, is still at work to protect them. When we encourage
their faith in that awesome reality, we've anchored their lives to the truth, and given them roots,
which will hold them firm when they’re being tossed by the storms of life in subsequent times
and seasons. Our goals for our children must go beyond what we can do in our own strength;
we must raise our children to trust God enough to live supernatural lives.
16
The questions then becomes, how many of us know this truth, but still buy into the various
experts telling us how to be better parents, forgetting that most of the advice given does not
include God's purpose for our children in the package. When Christian families subscribe to
such secular instruction, it is not unusual for their children to grow up living lives as immorally
as the society around them.
To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven. It is written in the
Scriptures, and it is written in the experiences of our daily lives. God is sovereign, and He has a
plan and a purpose for each one of us. We are born to a time, live in a time and will die in time;
time holds the key to what we will experience throughout our lives. However, we are to permit
the Holy Spirit to guide and empower our lives so that we discover our purpose in Christ, and
who we were created to become. To everything there is a season; God is not working out His
purposes by trial and error; He already knows the beginning from the end. And so, each
interaction of our lives is built on the previous one and moves us towards the ultimate goal; the
transformation of the “self” to the glory of God. in the end, what lies in between, and how well
we navigate the seasons on this journey of life, will indeed make the difference to how Our
Time Will Tell!
17
Chapter 2 - A Time To Plant
18
Parenting a child is essentially a time to plant. It is the season to labour at cultivating the soil of
young lives so that they will respond to the seeds of knowledge, wisdom and understanding
that will enable positive growth. Therefore, time and effort must be spent nurturing and
lovingly weeding the soil around those tender plants, and then carefully watching them grow
until harvest time comes, and they are ready to be exposed to the harsh realities of the world;
and this is exactly what Nana Bea did for me.
I was only five, yet I could sense that my great-grand mother’s home had a quality about it that
set it apart. As you entered the house, you sensed the presence of the Lord. Even the fragrances
were heavenly. The smell of waxed floors and polished furniture, the urns of fresh and dried
flowers that graced the dining and side tables; as well as the headier aromas of cooking and
baking. Everything was beautiful, neat and orderly. Outside the flowers and vegetable gardens
reflected the order of the house. There were fruit trees and shrubs; flowers of every fragrance
and colour framing the entrance to the cottage. Chickens large and small seemed to have taken
over the back yard, diligently guarded by “the Duchess” her old Labrador, who responded
obediently to Nana Bea’s every command. I had moved to paradise; a transition from a time of
isolation and rejection to one of loving renewal had taken place.
Nana Bea was beautiful, but she was a woman of God whose virtues were even more beautiful
than her physical appearance, and her very presence commanded love and respect. Her
passionate love for the Lord and examples of Christian living became a magnet to people
around her, who called on her, day and night for advice and prayer. As if sensing her
“closeness to God” was the guarantee of an effectual answer. She was a amazing person, and I
was blessed to have a unique relationship with her.
19
We communicated without reservation with loving words, and caring devotion, as she taught
and explained the things, I needed to learn and understand. Readily, I formed an attachment
with her that had only previously existed with my father. We would talk for hours; whatever I
asked was met with an answer, unless she felt I might form the wrong impression of
something. Then she would simply ask me “to grow into that one.” She would laugh at my
antics, but could scold me with a look, and challenge the inappropriateness of my behaviour
with “No baby no” or “What do you think Jesus would say right now?” In our times of worship
and devotion, I began to regard the Lord in a new and loving way. He was certainly not
someone to be afraid of, but someone to love, because He loved me so much more. Living
with Nana Bea was indeed a turning point on the journey of life; it was the spring of my being,
a time when I was allowed to give and receive positive expressions of love, and experienced
the wholeness of a Godly home. This was the reality of the life I desired; the dreamy yearning
in the cocoon of my make-believe world had evaporated into the nothingness from which it
came. With the passing of time as I think about Nana Bea, I am reminded of the powerful
deposits she instilled in me as a child, which continues to influence my life today. Lovingly,
she’d invested her time, wisdom, knowledge and understanding of the things of life, but more
so the things of God. I am eternally grateful to her for developing in me the gift of appreciation
for the varying seasons of my life.
I had received an education, since I had learned to speak; but I had never been to school; my
aunts and grandmother had taught me at home. Nana could have continued home schooling,
but felt I had already spent far too much time on my own and needed to form relationships with
other children. It was with a mixture of great fear and anticipation that I began attending North
Street Seventh-day Adventist School.
20
I could already read, write and do basic maths, so my class work was pretty easy. After the first
term, my teacher arranged for me to move into another class. I was almost six, but was placed
in a class of eight and nine-year olds. Oh Lord, I quickly made friends but just as quickly
picked up bad habits, along with some additional “cuss” words that extended my vocabulary
somewhat negatively; however, the promise of washing my mouth out with soap stemmed the
development of that characteristic, at least for a while. I had been suppressed and restricted;
now I was given the freedom to flow and grow, to explore and to challenge my beliefs of life. I
was also disciplined in a positive and loving way, which taught me responsibility for my
actions, and of course, the consequences of irresponsibility. The transition I had longed for was
taking shape and my life was rapidly changing. I no longer lived in seclusion, or needed to
explore a make-believe world. I knew then I would never be the same again, for my life had
changed so miraculously.
It is without doubt that we all live in a world of Change. However, did you know that change is
good? Change enables us to adapt to new situations more readily. Change stretches and
challenges us to go through the trials and tribulations of life trusting God, and also allows us to
acquire the audacity to be the overcomers He created us to be. Change enables us to develop
new strengths, and to discard old weaknesses, to grow from within, thereby becoming more
tenacious in our walk with the Lord. The evidence of change is absolute in the cycle of
seasons: Spring turns to summer. Summer turns to autumn. Autumn turns to winter, and winter
inevitably turns to spring. All things change with each imminent season; just as a child steadily
matures through the seasons of life from infancy to adulthood. Change keeps us from
becoming ineffective, mentally, relationally, physically and spiritually. Even though there are
events, and situations that from time to time are seemingly contradictory, each has its place.
21
Are you the same person you were ten years ago? Five years ago? One year ago? Come on
now… seriously, are you?
In a similar way when we give our lives to Christ, we go through some of the greatest changes.
First, we are blind, dead sinners. Then we are made alive. Then we discover more of our
sinfulness as God continues to change us, and to make our hearts more like His. In each of us
change has taken place, however, God does not and will not change. He is the same yesterday,
today and forever. Imagine what it would be like if God changed, if one day he was nice and
another day, he was mean. Or one day he decided to answer our prayers and the next day He
refused to. Thanks be to God, He will never change His mind about you or I, because He has a
purpose in what He does during the seasons of our lives, even if we have a hard time
understanding how that purpose serves, or how it will shape and enable our living.
The Bible tells us in Romans 8:28, “And we know that God causes all things to work together
for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” We are
born to a time, and as the seasons of our lives unfold, we come to understand that it is God,
who appoints the times and Seasons. “There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a
time for every event under heaven." These words are for every person, in every place, in every
circumstance. God has appointed the seasons, the events of our lives, the joyful and the joyless,
the simple and the difficult. On one hand, we may be concerned, but on the other hand, we
should be encouraged, because we know that God is eternally in control. At particular times
and during significant struggles, we may even wonder about that. It is easy to doubt that God
has it all together, or that everything is working out for our good when everything around us
seems to be falling apart.
22
Like when our marriages fail, or our love ones die, or we hear about the disastrous state the
world is in. It’s quite disheartening to feel or to see so much suffering and pain. However,
contrary to what is felt, seen or heard, God still has it all in His control.
Due to the interaction with my peers, I was changing rapidly, and in many ways, not for the
better. A spirit of rebellion and anger began to manifest itself in me. Influenced by my learnt
behaviour, I would cuss, talk back, be openly disobedient, and found it easier to tell a lie that
the truth. I loved Nana dearly, yet I no longer made an effort to please or seek approval as I did
while living with my aunts and grandmother, in fact, quite the contrary. By the time I was
seven, I was what is generally termed a handful. I was so eager to grow up, not wanting anyone
to treat me like a child. I became disobedient and overly aggressive; Even so, I somehow
maintained a high standard of school work, and continued to do really well in church activities.
A change was needed, and Nana Bea made up her mind to exact that change. One Friday
evening as we was preparing to go to bed, Nana told me I was going to be doing something the
following day I had never done before … I went to sleep excited and so full of anticipation that
I awoke really early still full of expectancy, which waned drastically; when I learned that it was
to be a day of fasting and prayer for me. Enough was enough. Nana was about to teach me an
important life-changing lesson. Instead of using a stick or a strap in an abusive way, I had to
learn discipline God’s way. I would fast and pray the whole day, and if my behaviour did not
improve, fasting and prayer would become a regular discipline each Sabbath. After devotions, I
had a glass of fruit juice and started my fast, which would be broken with family prayers at six
in the evening. “I was as mad as red ants."
23
We were to be in church by nine that morning, for a rehearsal of the passage the junior Bible
class would recite in family service, taken from Matthew chapter fifteen. I was to lead the
group with verses one to nine; but in my state of defiant anger, I did everything I could to delay
getting ready. Noticing my negligent attitude, Nana simply warned me that whatever state I
was in when she was ready to go through the door, was how I would leave the house; believe
me, I got ready fast!
By the time we got to church, I would have gladly traded the painful “rod of correction” for a
plate of food, (so much so I knew exactly how Esau felt and why he sold his birthright)! I had
never experienced hunger before, and it was taking some getting used to. We finished the
rehearsal in time to join the youth choir for worship; and must have sung two or three choruses
before I realized I wasn't hungry any more. To be quite honest, I could not explain how I felt,
but I knew it was something I had never come across before; everything was different,
especially when I stood to recite those verses. “Then came to Jesus scribes and Pharisees,
which were of Jerusalem, saying, why do thy disciples transgress the tradition of the elders?
For they wash not their hands when they eat bread. But he answered and said unto them, why
do ye also transgress the commandment of God by your tradition. For God commanded,
saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the
death. But ye say, whosoever shall say to his father or his mother, It is a gift, by whatsoever
thou mightest be profited by me; and honour not his father or his mother, he shall be free. Thus
have ye made the commandment of God of none effect by your tradition. Ye hypocrites, well
did Isaiah prophesy of you, saying, this people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and
honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. But in vain they do worship me,
teaching for doctrines the commandments of men”
24
Seeds of change were planted deep within my spirit through the lesson of fasting and the
verses, I recited that morning, as the Holy Spirit taught me to honour God, and those who cared
for me. I learned too that disobedience was no substitute for a family meal! As a result of that
godly lesson the discipline of fasting and prayer is an accepted aspect of my spiritual life; it has
enabled me to draw closer to God through seasons of testing and trials, much more so than the
memories of being disciplined by the “rod of correction” or as I have heard it preached “The
board of education to the seat of learning."
The Apostle Paul had been beaten several times and clearly knew the pains of abusive
disciplines, for he writes in 1 Thessalonians 2:7,11-12: “But we proved to be gentle among you,
as a nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children...Just as you know how we were
exhorting and encouraging and imploring each one of you as a father would his own children,
so that you would walk in a manner worthy of the God, who calls you into His own kingdom
and glory.. Although these words were not written directly to parents, Paul left us a portrait
that leaves no doubt of his own thoughts on the relationship of parent and child, and the
importance of loving discipline. This is no stark portrayal of strict order and demands on a
child, but an image highlighted by loving relationship and parental nurture. Look at the words
he uses to describe parenting: “gentle... tender... caring... exhorting... encouraging...
imploring.” These are heartfelt words of relationship and longing for the well-being of a child.
In contrast, when we read in Ephesians 6:4; “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of
the Lord”; we may assume Paul is suggesting a “strict upbringing.” In that situation, we miss
the true meaning of the terms he employs. For “bring up” means to “nurture,” to see our
children as living beings that need to be spiritually fed in order to thrive and grow. It is the
same word; he used a few verses earlier to describe how a husband is to “nourish” his wife as
he would his own body.
25
To “bring up, or nurture” our children are to carefully and lovingly care for the life we see
growing there, to cultivate it as we would a prized orchid, making sure it is fed, watered and its
soil suitably enriched. As parents and care givers, we are to bring up our children “in the
Lord,” in the principles of love, respect, and worth taught by Jesus Christ, who himself
affirmed the dignity and faith of little children. A simple way of understanding how we
nurture is to see it as a process of creating an atmosphere in our homes that cultivates
spirituality in our children. Through the way, we relate to them, the things we do in our homes,
and how we activate the life-giving word of God in our own daily lives. Nurturing our
children is as intentional a process as tending a garden. Just as in the parable of the Sower, the
seed, which is “the word of God,” fell fruitlessly on many kinds of soil; but only when it fell on
“good soil,” did it flourish and bear fruit. A child’s heart is like the “good soil,” and it is our
responsibility to prepare that soil; by keeping it nourished, so that when the seeds of truth are
sown, it takes root, and our children will still have a yearning for God on into their adult
seasons of life. The problem is that with or without parental nurturing our children will grow,
but what will they grow into? Either way it is without doubt that… Our Time Will Tell!
26
Chapter 3 ~ A Time To Pluck Up What Is Planted
27
Life took on a whole new energy and significance when I learned to regard my great
grandmother’s wisdom, and obediently responded to her counsel; especially as she was the
rudder that was guiding my young mind over the rough seas of life. I found a new sense of
belonging, I had never known before, and a freedom to grow, learn and explore new and
challenging things. My social world grew right alongside my spiritual world, in a balanced
interaction of family, school, church and community. The investments of love, wisdom,
understanding and knowledge Nana Bea deposited in me bore much fruit; so much so that I
was encouraged by my junior Bible school teacher to join the baptismal classes. Months later,
going down into the waters of baptism that Sabbath Day morning marked another transition in
my life; and as I came up out of the water, it was clear my age was no restriction to
understanding that God had eternally transformed my life.
We were happy as a family. Everything was so comfortable that we were totally unprepared for
the series of events that would permanently separate, and diminish our unity and family life.
Life has its seasons of enforced separations; a loved one's death, a failed marriage; and no
matter how close the relationships with our loved ones, we may have to part with them for one
reason or another as circumstance dictates. Regrettably, the more we love, the more painful it
becomes to say goodbye; and I loved my father and Nana Bea dearly.
Ecclesiastes chapter three begins with a precise statement: “For everything there is a season"
then continuing with such a poetic beauty the writer goes on to describe the activities of human
life in a sequence of contrasts that could easily be interpreted not so much as opposites but as
the poles of human experience within which we live and die.
28
By the middle of the passage, Solomon expands his thoughts by asserting the relative
significance between work and day to day companionships; and possibly due to his own
experiences he underscores the dilemmas, and frequency of problems attributed to prosperity
followed by unseen calamity. He then evokes that justice overall is not seen to be done. In the
closing verses, there is an emotive and rather lengthy depiction of the end that is common to us
all, followed by the personal observation that “relative good and happiness, does not last.”
From my own experiences, I have come to realize that throughout our times and seasons we
may be faced with limitations, obstacles and circumstances seemingly out of our human
control, but regardless of how extreme these experiences become, they are never out of the
orbit decreed by God.
In a small town with only one tailor and shoemaker, my father’s handmade suit and shoe
business did very well. He put in the hours, and reaped the rewards. During harvest time
however, he would help relatives and friends gather their crops; especially if it involved
climbing trees, at which he was skilled. Harvesting coconuts were something he had done,
since he was a small boy. He had grown up alongside most of the trees he gathered from; but
life can so often take us completely by surprise. While working from one of the tallest trees, his
harness loosened, and he fell into the undergrowth below, sustaining multiple injuries, some of
which, he never fully recovered from. Hospitalized for months, his medical expenses quickly
put a strain on his finances. Several months following the accident, his business premises were
set alight, when his partner forgot to empty the coal iron. Within weeks our lives had severely
altered. My father was a strong and healthy man, but the accident left him broken and in pain.
He had gone from running a successful business to no business. Consequently, the strain of
keeping things together had not only taken its toll on my father health, but also on his
grandmothers. Three months after the fire, Nana Bea became seriously ill.
29
She was diagnosed with acute diabetes. Her treatment necessitated a complete change of
lifestyle. Needing rest, and support, Nana would no longer be able to care for me, so I had to
return to my aunts and grandmother, only temporarily, thank God, but it was enough to re-open
the old wounds, and re-establish the old anxieties. My father made plans for my future;
regretfully, what he decided catapulted me into the most appalling times and seasons of my
life. Overall, I would be leaving all that was familiar to me, all that I loved, and loved me, to
start a new life thousands of miles away with my great aunt and her husband in London. I was
heartbroken; I had found happiness with Nana Bea, and now it was being snatched away
through out of control circumstances.
Shortly before leaving for London, my father and I went on a mysterious outing. I say
mysterious because I was used to him explaining things to me in detail, on this occasion, he
was noticeably silent and withdrawn in his manner. We travelled on the old country bus, then
walked down the river bank, along a dirt path that wound its way across a hill, and on through
cane fields. There were no houses, just miles and miles of cane fields on one side, and the river
on the other. We finally reached a narrow dirt road and in the distance, a house; whose garden
went all the way down to the banks of the river. As we neared it, we could see a small woman
walking towards us, she was dark with waist-length hair, and the whitest smile. Her features
were so familiar, I felt I knew her, but couldn’t think how, since I had not seen her before. My
father tightened his grasp on my hand, and as we came closer to her, she called him by his
name, slowly he responded in a very detached manner. She held out her arms, beckoning me to
come, and at the same time asking me if I was hungry. As I looked at her face and listened to
the tone of her voice, I knew instinctively, she was my mother; and realized where I’d seen her,
I’d seen her in me. I was exactly like her!
30
I was almost ten; we had been separated for nine and a half years, now weeks before I was to
leave for London, I was meeting my mother for the first time. Oh those curve balls just keep
coming…. We spent the rest of the day visiting. I had so many questions I didn't know where
to begin. An explosion had gone off inside me. My head hurt, I was nauseous. I felt confused,
hurt, and resentful. All bound up in a sense of longing that completely overwhelmed me. I had
prayed for as long as I could remember for the day I would be with my mother, I didn't even
know what she looked like, I had no photograph; now here she was. I was standing in her
house, yet her physical presence bore no semblance of answered prayer. My mother had a
young family; I didn’t even know I had two younger brothers. They were as excited to meet me
as I was to see them. Our chatter was mechanized, not sure of what to say we asked each other
silly questions, and then we all just seemed to stare at each other, trying desperately to make
sense of what we were feeling. This was some discovery; I couldn't take it all in. There was
just too much going on around me and inside of me, I needed to withdraw and be alone.
Usually lively and full of laughter, I became quiet and introvert. As much as I wanted to stay, I
also wanted to leave. I needed to be alone; to cry, but I didn't want anyone to see me crying.
Later that afternoon we all went out to the garden. It was amazing. The flowers and shrubs
sloped down to the banks of the river, where fruit trees created a natural partitioning against a
backdrop of taller shadier trees. Its beauty and lushness reminded me of an artist’s impression
of the Garden of Eden. So captivated by the beauty of the surroundings, I found the courage to
ask my father to let me stay with my mother instead of going to London, but the look on his
face made me wish I could have deleted my words. When he spoke it was not with an answer,
but a question I needed to answer. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” The tears
started to flow; it took all the resolve I could muster just to control myself. Living with my
mother was not an option my father would even consider. Looking at the bigger picture, deep
down, inside I knew he was right, he had instilled in me a strong sense of purpose, and
nurtured my talents and abilities, and I knew he had my best interest at heart.
31
So there it was, having just met my mother, I was also saying goodbye to her; and faced with
yet another life-changing transition, this time to be plucked up from where I had so lovingly
been planted. Nevertheless, how could my dad have known that his decision to send me to
London would have been of such magnitude as the transition from happiness to sadness and
pain, an effect of the enemy’s plan to distort the natural seasons, and stages of my purposeful
journey?
Natures harvest usually occurs between the closing stages of summer and the prelude of
autumn. So it is with the natural stages of our lives. Pursuant to the times and seasons of our
collective experiences, we are able to draw on the resources which have been 'planted' deep
within, in much the same way as we harvest the fruits and vegetables from fields and gardens
to be stored for “another day."
Seasons form the natural rhythms of life. They are the
inexplicable transitions between the cycle of birth and death. From seed-time to harvest, we
live out our lives between the tension of promise and fulfilment, between the best and the
worst, the past and the yet to come. And so we learn to live the life we have been given by
God as a gift to be cherished. We live, and we learn to accept the inevitable that we must face
as the seasons change. We live, not centring our attention on our suffering, and pain, but living
life to the fullest, enjoying the gift, and more importantly, the beauty of life in the Giver.
Subsequently, as we consider the seasons, we know what it means to see the leaves change
colours in autumn, to see the first frosts cover the ground and the gardens. It is the
unavoidable, relentless cycle of nature, and we know, as surely as the sun cruises across the
open sky, that the seasons will continue their cycle, and the leaves will all fall from their
branches.
32
We know too that soon the heavy grey clouds will appear, and the first dusting of snow will
gently settle across the landscape as we slip into the coldness of winter. We know too that the
ice will thaw, as the earth again warms to release the new growth of spring, and the first green
shoot will peek through the once frozen soil, to begin anew the cycle and the wonders of
nature’s resourcefulness. The trees and flowers will again teem with life as the rhythm of
creation respectfully proclaims that soon it will be a glorious summer, and so we are assured
the cycle of seasons will continue, despite the unknown consequences.
I was in a fog after saying goodbye to my mother, and for most of the time before travelling to
London; I was even more lethargic and reserved. I was back at “Rose Cottage” with my aunts
and grandmother; life had reverted to the times I had spent alone cocooned in my little world of
make believe. My mother had promised to write when I got to London, I wondered why she
would bother with airmail, when she hadn't bothered with local mail. I resented her, all the love
I had stored up for her leaked out of me like the water from “Eliza’s Bucket” and no amount of
straw could fix it. My father and I returned to Nana Bea’s just before it was time for me to
leave. Years later I was grateful for that last memory, of a place of safety and happiness. The
morning I was to begin my new life. I sat in silence in the car all the way to the airport;
oblivious to the conversations Nana Bea and my father were trying to have with me. I felt like I
had died, and no one had noticed. I don't know why, but suddenly I remembered the words our
pastor had preached at his mother’s funeral several months earlier; “This parting is not
goodbye...it is only goodnight. We will meet again at the dawning of the new creation on that
farther shore on the other side of the lake...For this is the promise of God." What I found
perplexing was, what was God promising me? He knew how I felt, so what was He doing
about it? Feelings of rejection and hopelessness cut through me like a knife. Why did I have to
go away, why was I being punished so severely, and what had I done that was so wrong?
33
Tracey, the stewardess who would be responsible for me on the flight met us at the check in.
Her gentle manner put me at ease immediately. “This is our adventure. You'll be fine” she
said. I prayed she would be right. The flight was long and exhausting, and I slept for most of it.
I woke up feeling very uncomfortable. My stomach churned my head and back ached, and my
clothes were wet. I started to go to the bathroom, and looked back at my seat. It was covered in
blood. I sank back down in the seat my heart racing, and screamed for Tracey, who came
running… Tracey, I’m dying! A look of fearful concern immediately etched on her face, as she
asked me to explain. When I did, she almost fell over laughing, she recovered her composure
long enough to explain to me that my menstrual cycle had started. Then I recalled Nana Bea’s
version of the “birds and bees” which was a somewhat diluted version to the one I had later
learned from my peers; and thought O my Lord, this is not supposed to happen. I'm only ten.
I was still pondering the realities of my new condition as we came in to land. By the time we
taxied into London Heathrow Airport, we had been travelling from one day into another.
Tracey had given me a change of clothing and the necessary supplies, before taking me through
customs and out to the arrival lounge to meet my great aunt and her husband; where she
quickly filled my aunt in on my new situation, and handed me over. My aunt and uncle seemed
genuinely pleased to see me, and greeted me warmly with hugs and kisses, while remarking on
how grown up I was for ten, and hoped I would be happy living with them. Outside it was
foggy and grey. Everywhere, the buildings supposedly houses looked like factories, thick black
smoke billowing out of their chimneys; not a ray of sunlight in sight. I immediately recalled
one of Nana Bea’s adages that aptly described my impression of London: “This has got to be
on the backside of hell.”
34
The drive to the house took nearly two hours. My aunt and I chatted animatedly about family
and friends she had not seen for years, and she intermittently pointed out places of interest as
we drove along, all the while her husband was quiet, but I put that down to the fact he was
driving, and keeping his eyes on the road. Their home was a large three-story Victorian house.
I had never seen so many stairs in any house before, being used to everything on one level. It
was intriguing to say the least. Each landing had four or five rooms, some of which were let as
single or family occupancy. I was shown into the living room where other relatives, uncles and
aunts, cousin older and younger than I, and family friends were already gathered to meet me,
and for a while I ignored how unhappy I was to leave all that was familiar, and the reason I
would now be living with my great aunt and her husband. They all seemed to show me genuine
affection, maybe Tracey knew what she was talking about when she said I would be fine, after
all this was to be the beginning of a new life, in a new environment. Furthermore, I was sure
that God would see to it that all would be well with me. After all “all things work together for
the good,” don’t they?
Except for the relatives who lived in the house, by the time the other visitors had left, and I was
shown to my room. It was nearly midnight. My room was the attic bedroom, but it was worth
the climb it was so beautiful. Nana Bea had sent most of the things I had in my room back at
her house; it was almost like I was still with her. The pictures, the comforter, the sheets and
pillowcases were all there, and on the pillow was her favourite Bible, a possession she was
never far from. I recalled how attached she was to it, and wondered why she would send it to
me, and instinctively knew it was because she loved me and wanted me to maintain a
connection not just with her, but more so with God. I missed her so dreadfully, and as I started
to cry, my Aunt held me and said, “You’ll be fine." This was the second time she had told me
that, and twenty-four hours early, Tracey had said the very same thing…
35
Surely, this was confirmation. It had to be true? Physically exhausted from travelling, meeting
and greeting people, I had pretty much resigned myself into accepting as true the lyrics of one
of the more popular songs of the day: “Que Sera, Sera, Whatever will be, will be. The future's
not ours to see, Que Sera, Sera. What will be, will be” I really believed they should have
added, Our Time Will Tell.
London was a genuine culture shock! The weather, clothes, customs, and endemic racism were
new and discouraging experiences. Arriving in November, winter was imminent, and had to be
prepared for. My aunt and I went shopping for the things I would need, and I might add, I had
never worn before, like an overcoat, boots, gloves, scarves, and hats that looked like colourful
tea cosy’s; along with sweaters and knitted stockings. The stores in town were bright and
colourful; the displays left nothing to the imagination so near to Christmas. Even the market
and street traders articulated the theme to the delight of every passing child; and the dismay of
every parent who were being constantly persuaded to buy that exclusive toy. I was surprised
when my aunt asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I still hadn't started school and missed
reading, so I asked for a set of storybooks with its own little cardboard shelf, I had seen in one
of the store windows. Oh, she exclaimed, you like books, honey we have boxes and boxes of
books at home, in the cupboard right next to your room. I wanted to get home and start
exploring; but I waited patiently until after the dinner things were cleared away that evening,
before making my way to the cupboard anticipating the treasures it held. I opened the door to a
small box room lit by a skylight, which had been used to store old furniture, clothes, and
oddments over the years; and found two large containers of books and old magazines. As I
eagerly waded through them, I was unaware that my aunt’s husband had come in and was
standing by the door.
36
Thinking he was about to scold me for being there, I explained that my aunt had given me
permission to read the books, and I would put everything back when I had finished. His limp
smile was more of a smirk as he assured me it was okay, and closed the door behind him. As
he walked toward me, he was unbuckling his belt. My thoughts were racing, because I could
not understand why he was going to beat me. I had done nothing wrong? He said it was all
right; I began to panic, and screamed. However, he covered my mouth with his hand and told
me this would be our little secret. What little secret, what was he talking about, I was still
screaming, but with his hand over my mouth, no sound escaped. He kept telling me how
grown up I was, and how much he loved me living with them. I felt nauseous. My knees were
weak, as if I would pass out, as his hand squeezed, and fondled my body. I tried to move, but
being against the wall. I couldn't get past him. He reassured me this was okay, that no one ever
had to know. Although only a few minutes it seemed like an eternity before it was over. Still
wearing that leering smirk as a smile, he reminded me never to tell anyone. Months later my
great uncle also began abusing me in the same way. I felt like a tattered ball smashed back and
forth in a frenzied game, without the safety of a cushioning net. Being out of the house and at
school was my saving grace. I could dismiss the reality of my home life and concentrate on
applying my mind. I thought if I did well at school, somehow my tormentors would leave me
alone. How wrong could I have been? Getting good grades put me more in the spotlight, and
seemed to intensify the molestation. I was afraid to tell either of my aunts, petrified no one
would believe me; terrified at what was happening to me, but even more anxious about being
rejected and ignored again, so I kept the sordid secret to myself. By the time I started
Secondary school, I knew there had to be a better way of life than the one I was living, but
where to find it eluded me. Despite the fact, I was so totally overwhelmed by the squalid
behaviour of my uncles; I did really well in school. Well enough to move (again) a grade
higher. All throughout the first year in Secondary school I had pretty much kept a low profile. I
was friendly with everyone, but had no close friends, so no one ever came to visit me.
37
I was unaware that my aunt had noticed my lack of companions, or that she was concerned
about it, until one morning as I was leaving for school she asked me why no one ever came to
the house. Astonished by her question, I stuttered something incoherent, so garbled I didn’t
even understand it, and so she asked me again. My lingered pause was not received well, and
to put it mildly, I was chided for keeping them a secret… followed by the assurance that I
could have friends, over whenever I wanted to … if only she knew the real reason no friends
came to the house. I couldn’t take the risk of inviting my girlfriends, so afraid of what could
happen to them, and of course petrified of them finding out what was happening to me.
However, I knew my aunt. That question was just the beginning, and it was likely to be
repeated until she met a friend, any friend, so something had to be done and quickly.
The move a grade higher could not have come at a more opportune time, although it presented
me with new challenges educationally, it also paved the way for me relationally. It had been a
while, since I had formed any attachments, at school or otherwise but when I met Dene, it was
easy. We were so much alike. We looked like sisters, and quickly became close friends. This
lead to other friendships; however, due to my lack of experiences in teenage relationships,
initially my interactions were somewhat vicarious. Nevertheless, as our associations grew, I
developed the confidence to be myself, and in doing, so I realized I could have friends and still
keep my sordid secret. I would arrange the odd meeting with my girlfriends now and again at
my house, (usually at the front door) while spending more time out or at their homes. As
friends we seemed to share a sense of extraordinary closeness with one another; sharing things
we would never dare to with our parent’s. Yet in spite of everything, we shared, I was never
able to reveal the secret of my abusive home life. I just couldn’t see any of them understanding
what I was going through.
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Their lives were seemingly spent in a warm and nurtured family environment, with parents and
care givers who loved and protected them; which were so far removed from my own. I would
observe my friends and long for the kind of lives they had, the kind of life that was lived open
and unafraid, with a secure sense of belonging. The kind of life that presented genuine
opportunities for self-development, and self-awareness; that engendered self-esteem; and
where expressions of love were neither abusive nor inappropriate; the kind of life that enabled
strength and confidence of growth on a natural path to maturity. For thirteen years, I had
prayed for the kind of life that was rooted and grounded in love, where I meant something to
someone, and yes, for a brief season, I had sampled the essence of such a life, but
circumstances had, like a drought dried up the stream which gave life, and it was hard to accept
that since then God had failed to answer any of my prayers. So I believe that life was not a
stroll in the park; that it would forever consist of obstacles, twists, and painful detours. Hills
and valleys, rivers and streams, and each one must be met with outward strength, or else I’d be
overcome by the gruesome tragedy of it all. I knew that God was real and in control of my
situation, but it was difficult to hold on to such a belief, when the guilt and shame of my secret,
and the continuing abuse, made me feel different to my friends, not like a 'normal' person from
a 'normal' family. And so I had to be strong, at times excessively aggressive, showing no fear,
because to show fear meant letting my guard down, and with my guard down, my secret could
easily slip out.
I craved love, yet I kept my emotions bottled up. I wore a smile as a mask, and hid every other
feeling. I suffered in silence, suppressing my pain by denying how I truly felt. I had reverted to
living in a fantasy world, where I used my creative imagination to write stories about the life, I
wanted to live. That was the passion that kept me going, the interest that held me together,
making it easier for me to survive the duality of my existence.
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The reality was that I was abused and bewildered. The duplicity was that I had mastered the art
of pretence; and pretended to all but myself that I was a well-adjusted teenage girl. An arduous
task, but I kept it going simply because I didn’t know what else to do.
Isn’t it amazing the ways in which life can change so unexpectedly, sometimes drastically?
Even without realizing it, I was growing up, and so were my emotions. I still couldn’t trust
anyone, not even my closest friends, as my abusive life experiences had stifled my natural
ability to be trusting. Even so, something unforeseen was going on inside of me. After a few
weeks of writing his name on almost every book I owned, I began to realize that I was
developing special feelings toward a particular boy in my class. I had never had feelings like
those before, and couldn’t quite understand what I was supposed to do with or about them.
What was even more startling was that as my feelings developed it began to confuse the way I
viewed relationships. Boys until then were of no interest to me, (my uncles had seen to that),
plus the fact that some of them in my class were strange creatures whose chief purpose in life
was to be as tormenting as possible, and by some weird quirk of fate seemed to achieve it
without effort.. While the others were so obnoxious they were in constant need of being hosed
down with iced water, since their hormones were totally out of control and seemingly doing all
their thinking. Yet there I was with a crush on one of them. Carl and I were classmates. We
hung out with the other kids, but somehow I went from seeing him as a friend to having this
huge crush; feelings that were alien and very puzzling to me. I wasn’t sure how to act or even
what to say, and when we were together, an emotional battle would take place inside me, as I
questioned my sanity in light of my home environment, and tried to balance that against what I
was feeling. At times, I daydreamed for hours, wondering if he had a crush on me too, and
shared the same feelings. My seemingly unavoidable emotions grew out of nowhere; I didn’t
choose to have a crush; it just sort of sneaked up on me unawares and wow!
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Suddenly, I found that fewer experiences could be as intense as a first crush. Generally
unruffled, I became self-conscious, coy; and depending on how close he was to me, I was
speechless, tongue-tied and coy all at the same time. Then from the “he loves me. He loves me
not” soul defeating questioning phase, to find out that he had a crush on me too, was like being
carried along in a gale-force wind unsure of where or when I would come down. From then on
we were virtually inseparably, and when we weren't together I was so miserable I’d slip back
into my make-believe world, longing for the time we would be together again.
If truth be told each of us on our journey of life have experienced differing degrees of love;
none more confounding than our first teenage romance. There is such a beautiful purity
expressed in this first experience of romance as we encounter all that is sweet and shattering
about that foremost season of young love. Then again, first love, lost love, we have all been
there at one time or another. But you know something, love, one way or another, really is
everywhere. I was told however, I was too young to be in love, that relationships at that age
usually burn out quickly. Sound advice certainly, but emotional things are just so much bigger
when you’re young and in love, so I could neither understand the advice nor accept it, because
I didn’t want the relationship to end. Life had again taken on a whole new meaning for me. I
was happier than I could ever remember, but we all know that to everything there is a season!
Almost halfway through the third term of year ten, I returned home from school one evening to
the news that my aunt had gone to visit a friend who had been hospitalized, and would be
staying with her family for a while. The following night as I was preparing for bed, my aunt’s
husband came into my room, and told me if I was now old enough to have sex with boys, then
I could have sex with him too.
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When I denied his allegation and told him exactly what I thought of him, he threw me across
the room. As painful as that was it was a blessing in disguise, as it alerted others in the house,
and they came to see what was going on. He quickly left, but the look on his face made me
realize that he would be back. A few nights later he raped me, when there was no one around,
and warned if I told my aunt, he would tell her that I was lying to cover the fact that I was
regularly intimate with Carl. The truth was that in all the time that Carl and I were together
ours was a love of innocence, he was always the perfect little gentleman; and that was one of
the qualities I really loved about him. As confused as I was by my uncle’s threat, I felt my aunt
would never believe such a lie, because if she had even suspected anything vaguely sexual
between Carl and I she’d have stopped the association so fast I’d have been caught up
heavenward in the tailspin. So I found enough courage to tell her when she returned what had
been happening since I'd arrived to live with them, and the most recent event. She listened,
looked intently at me, then slapped me across the face and called me a liar. She was about to
slap me again, only this time I refused to be beaten and fought back. I wasn’t a liar, I had told
her the truth, enough was enough, I had been a victim for far too long, and it was time for that
to change, even if it meant taking matters into my own hands. In a moment of absolute fury, I
told her I would never be abused or beaten again. With a look of sheer astonishment on her
face, she stood and watched; as the anger I had suppressed for all those years spilled over, and
in a blind rage, I smashed everything that could be broken, and ran out of the house. Not
knowing what else to do or where to turn for help, I went to the police station and made a
report; but they didn’t seem to take me seriously, and brought me back to the house where my
allegations were categorically denied. The police woman who attended told me that I should
withdraw my allegations of sexual abuse, and rape and behave myself for the nice people
willing to give me a home. As young as I was, I knew I couldn’t live like that anymore, and it
was time to go. The difficulty was explaining why to Carl. I’d lost a part of me, I could never
regain, and all I had left were feelings of shame and worthlessness.
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I wanted one day to share that experience with someone special; having been brought up to
believe sex wasn’t something you explored before marriage. I felt degraded and dirty,
inadequate and so guilty for not preventing the assault. How could I tell Carl what had
happened? What was I supposed to say? What would he think? Would he despise me? I
couldn’t handle another rejection; especially not from him, I simply had to leave without any
goodbyes. As young as we were, and as amicable as the relationship, we shared, Carl at that
point in time was the most important person in my life, and to have him accuse of something
he would never have done was more than I could have endured.
Do you remember your first crush? I'm sure many of us still do, and as you read this, you can
see I found myself on a sentimental journey renewing old memories of mine. Such wonderful
sweet memories.... Oh well! Let’s leave nostalgia as nostalgia because seasons come and go,
and so do we, at times regrettably so.
In the article “Time: The Great Spiritual Director” Sr. Joan Chittister writes: The book of
Ecclesiastes puts it this way, “To everything there is a season.” That insight makes the process
and the purpose of time unquestionably clear. The brightest moments of our lives can be
reclaimed as cherished memories as long as we live. While the darkest moments of our lives
are liable to illumination if we live long enough. However, time has another dimension to it as
well; where achievement and motion are qualities of a culture, time is a commodity. “We have
gone out of our way to objectify and package time in a way that makes it seem to be itself a
device. We have watches and calendars, schedules and diaries. We make wise remarks about
losing it and wasting it or spending it and killing it. We even use the same verbs to talk about
time as we do to talk about money.
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We save time, count time and invest time. Yet, we forget too often to savour time, to enjoy
time, to trust time. Instead, we fill it and wrench it; we race against it and fight it; making it an
enemy instead of a friend; and so inevitably, we lose it."
Sr. Joan Chittister – “Time: The
Great Spiritual Director” Program #4019 February 16, 1997.
In the light of these two truths: that time teaches and time vanishes, it is unfailingly clear that:
The purpose of time is not accumulation; but it is to alert us to ourselves so that we become, as
the book of Ecclesiastes denotes, with its affirmation of all the dimensions of life, deeply
devoted to God. Otherwise we can go through life without ever consciously realizing that we
are never for a moment out of the hand of God; and we miss that moment of illumination
when, like the mystic Mechthilde of Magdeburg, we can say, “I see God in all things and all
things in God.” Joan Chittister “Time: The Great Spiritual Director.” Program #4019 February
16, 1997. That's the magnitude of this chapter in Ecclesiastes; which is an awe-inspiring
concept. Because if God is in our particular life struggle, our painful separation, our awful loss,
and deep, deep pain; then our change of condition, of life, of love, has something to do with the
development of the God-life in us, so that it is to be dealt with reverently and lived through
trustingly. Then our anger will cease; then our despair will dissolve; then our bitterness will
fade; and our lives become truly enriched by the events we have experienced. We are living in
God, no matter what life is like for us at any particular moment, lonely, sad, despairing, what
can possibly be withheld or inflicted that will leave us heartbroken once we decide to live in
the presence, and power of an Almighty God.
Everything is beautiful in its time; but there are many different times, and time itself is kind of
an elusive thing in some ways.
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Most of us consider time being measured by a clock and certainly for most cultures, we like to
have things begin and end on time, and love to have people there on time, and appraise our
lives by getting things done on time; so clearly, “Time Is Key." But there are other ways of
considering time that Ecclesiastes is concerned with. We can’t always gauge the processes and
occurrences of our living by the clock. It has more to do with experiences and with reflections
on our lives, or by some chance comment that tugs at our heartstrings. This speaks of a
different kind of time. It expresses a time that is opportune, or favourable. For instance, some
people can’t wait to retire from their jobs, as soon as they reach a certain age, while others
continue working past the age of retirement. Evidently, the time to retire is judged more by the
particular method that we read into our lives and what we believe or understand of our
situations. Of course to know what time it is, is a significant part of life, and that’s what
Solomon sets out to teach us in this passage. This sense of time isn’t something that can be
ration precisely; yet, it may indeed be the most profound sense of time that requires us to ask
ourselves repeatedly: What time is it? The whole world revolving around us is full of the evil
schemes of the enemy, but our Father has a better plan for our time. We will be frustrated to
death, unless we surrender to His plan and His time schedule and learn to discern the signs of
His direction for our lives. In this sense, our time will forever remain God’s time. Time is
eternal and of the utmost value, precious, yet limited, and not to be wasted. Wasted time is
emptiness and encourages a lethargic spirit. A well-planned life leads to satisfaction and the
enjoyable sense of peace and completeness. To balance our time gives us a rewarding sense of
an organized life and promotes peace and a relaxed disposition; for as we take charge of our
time, we take charge of our lives.
The Bible has much to say about time for every important event that relates to life. Our
attitudes and approach to time have a lot to do with how we treat life.
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For on our journey of life, we will wander through many villainous valleys and scale many
magnificent mountains. This journey of life is made up of both good and bad days. Each day
has its inimitable purpose and trials rotating in a unique balance. This balance, however, is not
the goal, but our constant challenge; as each moment is defined by these boundaries of living.
It is within this context that we live and by faith discover God's Call. It is in living through the
good and bad episodes that we come to know the truth and experience the magnitude of God’s
grace and favour.
“Vanities of vanities” Ecclesiastes expresses this elusive phrase, denoting “irrationality,
annoyance, senselessness, even nonsense.” The point the writer makes throughout the book is
that life is utterly futile without God. We see this in the first two chapters as we take a tour
with Solomon in his quest for relational happiness, especially when we consider the number of
wives and concubines he had…. But we return as empty handed as he did. Because in the third
chapter we read: “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A
time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; A time
to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a
time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to
gather stones; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain, and a
time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; A time to tear, and a time to sew; a time
to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a
time of peace.” The insight we are given here makes it clear that we have no control over the
events listed in these verses. The time for “planting and harvesting” depends upon
preparation, perseverance and the favourable changes of the seasons. Our “time to weep” is
often the result of personal pains or associated with another's “time to die.”
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And I’m sure that if we were able to control the adverseness of this world, there would never
be a “time of war.” So after illustrating, there is “a time for every purpose under heaven,”
Solomon informs us that God in his infinite wisdom has “made everything beautiful in its
time” (3:11). I have often questioned how something as repulsive and depraved as sexually
abusing a child could ever be considered beautiful. Over time the Spirit of all comfort taught
me that we are often desperately near-sighted; we look at the painful events of the moment and
forget their relation to the greater scheme of things. God declares “the end from the beginning”
(Isaiah 46:10). We are rarely able to stand back far enough to view things as our Creator does;
so much so, that much of the beautiful times of our lives often escapes our attention, or
validation. We only seem to pay close attention to the scars we bear; but that is usually due to
the severity of the sorrows we have had to endure. God, however, sees the beauty of the
changing scenes of our lives, and by faith, we too will come to see everything beautiful in time.
It took many bitter and disappointing years before I came to the realization that as painful and
traumatic as my abusive experiences were; there were valuable life lessons to be learned from
them. Quite possibly without those lessons I would never have developed the courage and
strength it takes to survive as an adult, had I not encountered such evil full on in my childhood.
Neither could I have otherwise developed the intense passion or the premise from which to
reintroduce hope and renewal into the lives of the hurting men, women and children I have
counselled?
Paul knew intense suffering, and the source of immense comfort; which he alludes to in these
verses: “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and
God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulations, that we may be able to comfort
those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God”
(2 Corinthians 1: 4).
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God is our comforter. He alone knows when we are in need of consolation, because He alone is
able to see the intensity of our pain and suffering. He understands our anguish, and just how
much pressures we can endure, because He is the Master Potter, who formed us. And as the
Master Potter, He, and He alone is able to reshape our broken lives into vessels of honour for
His use. ll Timothy 2: 21 reads: “Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from the latter, he will
be a vessel of honour, sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work.”
God wants to remove all the toxins we have absorbed through the distortions of our life
experiences, so that we can truly become vessels of honour. He knows what will frustrate our
lives, and obstruct the restorative work of the Holy Spirit. He hones and refines us by removing
the carnality in our lives, renewing our minds, and transforms our old nature of hate, sorrow,
conflict, intolerance, disservice, sinfulness, duplicity, cruelty, and recklessness, into Love, Joy,
Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and self-control. Then as we
are transformed by His Holy Spirit, purity, purpose, passion and power is birthed in its fullness
in us; so that we become more than conquerors in the fight against the malignant powers of
darkness. The more we yield in our brokenness of God, the more he can impute the love of
Christ into our lives; so that we become examples of God, which means we are all Life, Love,
Light, Power, Peace, Purpose, Beauty and Joy in various levels of positive expressions. And as
we exercise greater levels of these qualities, we encounter ever-increasing enjoyment and
single-mindedness in our walk with Him.
“Nothing changes if nothing changes!
In my extreme brokenness, God moulded me,
changed me, and then remade me, so that I could contribute to the change in others. Through
my restorative seasons of transition, I am able to speak in another person’s life the things the
Spirit of God has spoken into mine.
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He continues day by day to mould and reshape and enable me to help others find peace and
contentment, so they can enjoy healthy relationships and be all that God has created them to be.
God is the potter, and we are the clay and through our seasons of suffering and pain, He is
continually re-shaping us into the beautiful vessels of honour He can pour His anointing into,
so that through us, He can impart His curative blessings into the lives of others. Then through
the ensuing seasons of our life’s journey we are made complete in Him, and who can know
what heights we will scale, or victories we will win? Only Our Time Will Tell.
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Chapter 4 ~ A Time To Kill, And A Time To Heal
50
On a cold and foggy December morning, distressed and bewildered by the behaviour of the
adults around me, I left my aunt’s house for school as usual, with no intention of returning that
day, or any other. I had reached the point in my life where I could fathom no apparent
alternatives. I had tried to do the right thing by reporting my situation to the police, in the hope
of finding a solution; nevertheless, they believed the adults instead of me. Putting my fate into
the hands of the unknown seemed a much better prospect that enduring an environment where
there would be continuous abuse. I had already taken some things to my friend Dene; whose
mother worked nights, and this was a perfect opportunity for me to have somewhere to stay for
a while. In the morning when her mother came home and found me there, she believed I had
simply called for her to go to school. Nearing the Christmas holidays however, her mother was
home a lot more, so I was forced to live on the streets, going from one friend to another to
freshen up and change my clothes; leaving at the time I would normally go home, so as not to
arouse the suspicion of their parents. Sometimes late at night when I was sure everyone would
be asleep I would return to my aunt’s house. If you ask why I’d have to admit it was usually
due to hunger, and I still had the keys.
One night I went to the house around eleven, and waited in the greenhouse for them to go to
bed, but the lights were still on in the house way past midnight. I must have dozed off, for it
was dawn when I awoke. I stared to leave the greenhouse, when I noticed someone in the
garden. I panicked and ran, scaled the wall, and was about to jump to the other side when I
heard my name, and recognized the voice… but it couldn't be. Hunger was playing tricks with
my mind, but I stopped long enough to see Nana Bea walking towards the wall.
I couldn't
believe it. I just stared at her. It was as if I was in a dream, but this was no dream. She was
there, her arms outstretched, telling me to get down off the wall before I hurt myself. That left
no doubt in my mind it was Nana Bea.
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I had been living on the streets for nearly eight months, a few months after my disappearance
Nana Bea had insisted on coming to London because she knew me well enough to be certain
something just wasn’t right. That night unable to sleep, she’d spent the night praying for me,
until she was so tired she had gone into the garden for a breath of fresh air, and that’s where
she found me. Another transition was about to take place; and although I still had to endure an
excruciatingly painful recovery process, a time of healing was about to begin.
Looking at Nana Bea it was evident her concern for me had taken its toll on her health. She
had lost a lot of weight, and her usual pepper and salt hair was now snowy white. I hugged
her and cried, and then realized she was crying too. She wanted me to go into the house to see
my aunt, but I refused, and then told her why. She started crying again, then got dressed and
took me to the police station. For the second time, I made a complaint, this time with Nana
Bea’s support, they took my report seriously. The recovery process began with a lengthy
interview, and a physical examination, after which I was taken to a Local Authority Reception
Centre, an environment where the privilege of freedom was denied me. I wasn’t even allowed
to wear my own clothes. The carers were appalling in their attitudes, and cold and callous in
their questioning. I was stripped, showered then forced to have a second internal examination,
followed by questions that would have thrown an adult into perplexing confusion let alone a
frightened teenager. It was like being raped all over again, as my body and every emotion was
laid bare against my will, in the ultimate invasion of my privacy; that deprived me of every
ounce of dignity in mind, body, and spirit. The remaining fragments of my self-esteem were
shattered like a wrecking ball connecting with a derelict building. I felt dirty, degraded,
belittled and bewildered; clearly, I no longer mattered to anyone; so now there was nothing left
that could be taken from me.
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In the midst of the hell going on around me, I couldn’t help but think about how I happened to
be in such a demoralizing place, a place where care and compassion had no meaning yet, it was
classified as a place of safety. It seemed more abusive than the home I had run away from. I
thought of the family I had left behind. My grandma and aunts were indifferent and heartless
and at times physically and emotionally abusive, but there were the odd good times of warmth
and laughter. Then, there was my father and my great grandmother that was the total opposite,
they gave love appropriately and were never abusive; the contrasts were hard to fathom. I
simply could not get my head around why some adults were so unfeeling and brutal. Was life
like a see-saw between kindness and brutality, dependent on whether you were on the up or
down side? Both my aunt’s cruel and pitiless behaviour perplexed me greatly. I simply could
not understand why they colluded with their husbands in denying what had happened to me.
Was it simply to keep up the family image or to protect who they were by all means? Then
who was left to protect me?
I had been taught to make a categorical distinction between right and wrong, and as best as I
could I had maintained those distinctions, yet, even when I did what was right, I was made to
feel I had done something terribly wrong. As those perplexing thoughts swirled in my mind, I
could sense a numbing sensation enveloping me, and knew from experience that this eerie
melancholic feeling usually preceded an emotional outburst. Moments later my sense of
humiliation and resentment was joined by rage; and I was unable to hold it together any longer.
It took four of the officers to restrain me to the floor, and hold me there long enough for a fifth
to sedate me, so I could be taken to my room. In the days and weeks that followed before my
appearance in family court, there were many more angry outbursts, and of course, more
restraints, and for most of the time I was kept secluded from the other girls.
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Frightened and alone, I began to imagine the worst. I would be caged like a wild animal for the
rest of my life, but maybe if I withdrew my allegations I could have my freedom again!
I
couldn’t make sense of my life or the things happening to me. I had not committed a crime,
yet, I felt like I was doing time. Most days I was so deeply depressed; I would try to relieve the
misery by visualizing happier moments and memories of Carl, and the amazing times we had
together. However, as the days turned into weeks, there were instances when I couldn’t even
remember what he looked like. To keep him alive in my heart and mind, I used any sharp
object I could find, needles, pins even the staples I removed from the tattered magazines in my
room to etch his name onto my arms, and legs, and repeated it so often my limbs became
infected. I had to be moved for treatment to the sick bay, where I was again kept in seclusion;
only this time every object that could be used to self-harm was removed. All that was left was a
Gideon Bible which unlike me had clearly seen much better days. Alone and restricted to my
room except for trips to the bathroom, and weekly visits from Nana Bea, there was nothing else
to do than to reflect on my life, and contemplate the hopelessness of it all. I could see no
positive changes for my future, and decided it would be easier to starve myself to death. So I
stopped eating the flavourless meals they served, especially those covered in a mutated
substance that should be gravy, but seemed to have a life all of its own. I became so
emasculated staff were assigned to sit with me while I ate, a task that could take hours; I was so
determined to find a way out. But, I had a great grandmother that never stopped interceding
before God on my behalf. Nana Bea would pray as the Bible instructs, without ceasing. Even
during her visits she would pray (and I mean really loud) for me and encouraged me to pray
myself. I learned from that experience that prayer always brings breakthrough, because after
weeks of living in dysfunctional isolation, there was a case review, and I was returned to the
open unit, to begin attending the school attached to the centre. I also learned from those
experiences that our Tests become Testimony’s if we wait on God for our prayers to be
answered; and it is God, who moves in our painful circumstances so that He is glorified.
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Have you noticed that whenever we are in a strange place and see a familiar face, the most
likely phrase that springs to mind or is expressed is: “It’s a Small World." Here is an adage
that many of us have coined at one time or another, but how many of us realize its actuality? I
could hardly contain my excitement, when I walk into the classroom that first morning to find
my old form teacher’s wife taking the class. She had been my needlework teacher in the first
year of secondary school, and then left to have her baby, now here she was, like a lighthouse in
the storm that had enveloped my life. Even in the humiliating environment I now lived in I
came into contact with someone I knew and the actuality of a common phrase proved literal.
Life has many valley encounters, but life has many mountain top experiences too.
My
encounter with Olive Manning was a living testimony to the truth of Ecclesiastes 4:10 which
states: “If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one
to help him up.” God will always meet us at our point of need. I learned that truth through my
circumstance. There I was, my whole world shattered. Nothing left for me to suppose than all
hell had broken loose, and I was at the epicentre of its unquenchable flames; when God
miraculously intervened. I was in the midst of my greatest fear and my worst nightmare;
believing all that would ever transpire were those despairing times. Petrified I would never find
my way out of the eerie maze I was lost in; struggling with perplexing thoughts; while
exchanging blows in a battle that wasn’t my own; but God’s.
The word of God offers us the courage and hope we need to face the challenges of life,
especially those terrifying seasons of great fear and unhappiness. There may be days when we
find ourselves chained and gagged, yet, still having to stumble our way through the “valley of
the shadow of death.” There in the uncertainty of our perilous journey we are likely to be
overwhelmed by despair; but take heart, God is right there with us in those dark moments.
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Those shadowy moments have a purpose, “they are for our good and for His glory” and we
have to go through them in spite of how excruciating they become.
It’s a process of
becoming, a winding route on the journey of life to better times. And if we want to reach our
fulfilled destination, that moment in time when God’s purpose is accomplished in our lives,
then we can’t jump over it, we can’t go round it, we can’t fly over it and its pointless trying to
tunnel under it, we have to go through it. The secret of bleak and disappointing seasons is to
go through them with confidence in God, assured that He walks with us, navigating the way
through the valleys, until as the old hymn proclaims “O, we see the gleam of the golden
morning, piercing through this night of gloom.”
In Psalm 46: 1- 3, we find a perspective that heartens us to God’s magnitude and power in
times of trouble. “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore,
we will not fear, though the earth gives way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam and the mountain's quake with their surging. Selah.” These
verses communicate to us how acute our confidence is to be in God in times of trouble.
We
also understand from this passage that God cannot be our refuge, shelter, our place of safety
during times of trouble, unless we take our hands off our situation, and allow God to be God;
who may be using our painful season to reproduce joys further on down the road. So many
times we cry out to God for help and then proscribe our plea by trying to solve the problem
ourselves. How many times have we taken back the very thing we asked God to handle? I did
that so often I finally learned through many painful seasons that when the enemy attacks my
thoughts, emotions, and my body in an attempt to frustrate and discourage me, I must realign
my focus on God, my eternal refuge who provides strength for me in any circumstance, and
allow Him to find the perfect solution to my situation.
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Free, on the one hand, yet on the other still bound up with fear, failure, and disappointment,
God placed the familiar into my strange existence, in the person of Olive Manning, who was as
astounded to see me as I was to see her.
Her many questions reflected much of my own
thoughts; the leader being. Why are you in a place like this? With no time for a conversation
before classes I promised to explain at the end of the afternoon session; however, when the
time came, I had real difficulty in articulating the sordid drama. My normally fluent speech
was so affected by my sobbing that it became a mixture of mono syllables and précised bullet
points; but it was enough for Olive to appreciate the predicament I had become embroiled in.
She was so enraged by the treatment I had received, she used her influence to make changes
immediately; so that within days I was allowed to go out unaccompanied for specified periods
of time. Furthermore, until then Nana Bea had been my only visitor, but with Olive’s
concerned intervention friends from school were soon allowed to visit as well.
To my surprise one Sunday afternoon, I was talking with Nana Bea when Dene bounded into
the lounge, took one look at me and with her usual level of truthfulness exclaimed; "My Lord
don’t they feed you in this place, you look like a stick insect”? It had been nearly ten
months, since I had last seen her, from living on the streets and then in the netherworld, it
wasn’t surprising that my once pristine appearance had deteriorated to the image of a stick
insect. I was rakishly thin, while Dene had grown upwards and outwards, we used to be the
same height, and size, now she was literally towering over me, in more ways than one.
Hugging each other it was hard not to cry, but instead of sorrow, they were tears of sheer joy.
Her questions were coming thick and fast, and before I could even get a chance to answer the
first one, she hit me with guess who is outside? I must have visibly recoiled, because she said
no, no it’s alright, and handed me an envelope.
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Opening it, I began to read; it simply said, “Faye, I know how much you miss Carl, so I asked
him to come, but you don’t have to tell him anything if you don’t feel up to it. Simply say
when he asks; “I am not able to live with my aunt and uncle anymore, and will be staying here
until a new home is found for me." There and then I expressed my gratitude to God for Olive
Manning. All throughout my life it has never ceased to amaze me, that whenever I’m going
through circumstances so dense that it looks like I have no means of escape, God always
provides me with a way out.
Dene had left the hall to get Carl while Nana Bea read the note what Olive had written; she
smiled, then hugged me and said, “Honey, I think it’s time I was going. You have a lot of
catching up to do.” Every once in a while someone comes into our lives or something amazing
happens to remind us that life is worth living. Meeting Olive in such an unlikely circumstance,
then Carl’s visit was two of those memorable events that confirmed for me that my life was
worthwhile. When my circumstances became so unbearable I tried to starve myself to death;
because I really believed that was the best way out… I had lost all faith; due to uncertainty, and
frustration with the undeniable ruthlessness of my uncles and aunts. Oh but for the goodness
of God! I had forgotten the beautiful things that life gives to us so abundantly; those things
which come about as a means of support, and encourages us to give back to life as abundantly
as life gives to us, in spite of the painful event we experience. Three weeks later I attended
family court. Giving evidence in court was daunting, especially with my uncles and aunts
present. But so was Nana Bea; and I wasn't afraid anymore. The court accepted that I was
telling the truth, and I was made a “Ward” until age eighteen; assigned a Social worker, and
transferred to The Hollies Children’s Home. A new life and “thanks be to God” my freedom!
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To be subjected to physical, emotional and sexual abuse as a child is a difficult and painful
transition of life. It deprives a natural childhood and depreciates and confuses the normal
journey and cycle of maturity. I was so often overwhelmed by feelings I could not understand,
let alone articulate. My life became a roller coaster of dark experiences and emotions, where
publicly my focus was primarily on the happy moments, or the positive feelings to the
exclusion of the totality of the raw emotions that I actually felt. Frequently, the tendency for
those of us that have suffered physical and emotional abuse is to hide our shadow sides, to be
reticent about the things that make us uncomfortable, our fears, our limitations, our sorrows,
our anxieties, and our misery. Then comes the time when we are alone!
In times of solitude,
we can no longer put on a brave face, or hide behind a smile, then we are forced to look
backward and forwards, mourning or assessing the past, dreading or welcoming the future;
knowing the basic truth of our own fallibility.
As a child, I would occasionally stumble and fall, more times because I was pushed. However,
with inner strength, I would jump to my feet, dust myself off and start again. There are still
times when the scars and pains of the past are so severe, that I pray to be freed from the
memories, but it has not stopped me from getting on with my life.
I have learned from this
chapter in Ecclesiastes the way life is … we don't have to be free from painful memories to live
fulfilled lives, but it does take courage to heal. Everyone gets wounded at one time or
another, and if you haven't been wounded, you are the kind of person who keeps your boat in
the harbour; that's not what boats are for. However, what we do after we have been wounded
shows what we are made of. Sadly, there are occasions when a secondary problem arises with
the healing process for many of us; because when we heal from our wounds, we are expected
to immediately begin functioning as normal. Few of us ever attain that level of audacity.
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Then for others, it is easier to remain broken. As long as they are focused on the cause of their
pain, they do not have to advance any further. So the more pitiful they appear, the more they
keep others from expecting them to be responsible; for to voice anything other than pity, would
be considered harsh. They even attempt to partially control those around them by refusing their
healing, so they remain the centre of attention. It is as though they are saying, “I can never
walk again; can't you see I have been seriously wounded in this struggle called life?”
There are also some who will take it one step further outside the circle of responsibility by
blaming their actions on their “inner child” You will hear them say things like, “My inner
child has been damaged.” The inner child focus creates an entirely new set of arrested
developmental issues. People simply cannot heal as long as their inner child is hurt. After all,
it's a child! This is yet another way many of us avoid the responsibility of healing and facing
life full on. They are not the ones who are hurt; it is a child who lives inside of them. Please;
remember, that inner child is you, now full grown. Do not focus on an inner child as though it
were another person. You are the one who got hurt. You are the one who feels bad. You are
the one who needs to heal; and it's time to heal.
Living demands that we care enough about all the moments of life and endure all of them well.
This is clearly established in Ecclesiastes, which makes it evident that the only thing we cannot
do in life, is to ignore it, for life is a relentless teacher. If there is no other meaning at all to
Ecclesiastes, it is surely this: we are to grasp that life is not uniform. Life is not smooth. Life is
not balanced. All of these things, birth and death, loving and laughing, gaining and losing, will
happen in every life. These are the things that form life. We will not be able to avoid them,
even if that’s exactly what we would prefer to do.
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Instead we are to learn to enjoy each irregular part, to endure each costly part, to cope with
every exhausting part, to learn from every colourless part, to stretch and grow, and milk every
single episode of life dry. To this end, Sr. Joan Chittister writes: “When we live out of time,
when we insist on being forty in our sixties, and act like a teenager in our thirties, or half dead
as a young woman, and adolescent as a middle-aged man, we mock the now; we miss the
moment. We can't bottle life, like a jar of strawberry jam; nor arrest the present happy day
under glass like a moth; and it’s futile to try to imprison it like a butterfly in a frame. No, life
moves inexorably on, whether we progress with it or not. It sways and lurches and limps along
from one lesson to another. The illusion of life lived on an even keel persists in the minds of
many, perhaps, but the courageous know that real life demands a better stamina. “Young
widows know life's sting; old inventors know its zest; middle-aged women know its allure.
Young couples know its excitement; middle-aged men know its false promise." Sr. Joan
Chittister - Time: The Great Spiritual Director" Program #4019 February 16, 1997.
And of course abused children know something of its partiality – consequently, many thrive,
while some struggle ceaselessly. Nevertheless, through it all, whatever its twists and turns
along the way, life leaves us images of the serene elderly, the ones who fought the fight and
found it energizing, and enjoyable. They are proof for the rest of us that if we do not resist the
struggles, if we dance the dance of life whole; we too, may come to the end of it weathered and
strong, wrinkled and laughing, quietly satisfied with what we have learned, and how we have
lived. For what we have become, we could not have achieved, without our own particular
recipe of cleansing pain and perfect joy in proper proportions; as the great poet Shelley wrote,
“Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thoughts!”
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Some years ago I found this wonderful quote. The Author is unknown: “In order to bring
forth the sweetness, there has to be some suffering. To bring about the beauty of the
flame, something must go to ashes."
Our every blessing is born out of suffering.
Accordingly, we find in Isaiah 61: 3, an amazing promise, “To console those who mourn in
Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the
spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord,
that he might be glorified.” We can never be grateful for the light until we have experienced
darkness. Or truly value our health, unless we have suffered sickness. Also we can’t welcome
joy until we have felt sorrow; neither can we understand God’s grace until we’ve endured the
attacks of the enemy. This little poem sums it all up so beautifully: He gives me joy in place
of sorrow, He gives me love that casts out fear, He gives me sunshine for my shadow, And
beauty for ashes dear. http://wordofloveforyou.com/comfort.htm. There is no such thing as a
meaningless moment; life is a growing thing going from seed to sapling, but always, always
toward its purpose, the shaping of the self into a person of excellence, compassion and joy.
The Bible assures us that God can use any of the things we go through to our advantage, even
our appalling experience; for He uses those experiences to mature and equip us for further
challenges. The key is to hand them all over to Him. The question then becomes: Do you trust
God enough to do so?
There is a line of a song that says, “If I didn't have a problem, I
wouldn't know that God could solve it." The Bible contains so many examples of how God has
rescued, healed and provided for people like you and me. You may be facing some turmoil in
your life right now. Whether it is an abusive situation, a failed marriage, the loss of a loved one
or some other soul crushing dilemma that seems insurmountable; allow God to reveal Himself
to you in that situation. But for that to happen every small segment must be faced and cannot
be escaped, and then in God’s hands, amazingly, Our Time Will Tell!
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Chapter 5 - A Time To Break Down And A Time to Build Up
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“It's about time!” So often we use that phrase with such impatient tones. Usually, we have
been waiting for someone, and when they finally show up, we exclaim agitatedly, “It's about
time.” Most of us assume we know what time is, but it is one of the most difficult concepts to
define. Nobel Prize winner, Richard P. Feynman, once remarked, “We physicists work with it
every day, but don't ask me what it is; it's just too difficult to think about.” http://www.
fqxi.org/data/essay-contest-files/LyndsTimeforaChange. While Woody Allen suggests: “Time
is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.”
Then of course, time in certain instances has been portrayed as a line drawn on graphic paper,
with a precise beginning, and definite end; with the present moment defined as a point
somewhere along the line. Such a model is certainly helpful, although it implies that the past
and the future exist right along with the present. Time, however, in reality, is not a line, and I
tend to agree with the scientist quoted earlier, that such a simple model cannot really capture
the significance of time. Think about it, what does time mean to God? That's an even tougher
question to answer. Traditional theology argues that God is timeless; and deems that God
looks down on time from above much like we look down on the line drawn on paper.
Accordingly, God sees all time at the same time; whether past, present or future. Because He
can see the beginning and the end and all points in between, and sees what has passed as it
occurred and the future exactly as it will take place.
Because we are not God, I believe that it
adds dignity and worth to our sense of time if we view it as we experience it. Now is all there
is.
The past is gone, and the future is the not yet.
Only God sees it all at once. His
foreknowledge concerns those things that He purposes because He will make them happen.
God knows the sun will rise; He's going to make it rise. God knows how He will bring the
world to an end, because He will make it happen. God exists eternally outside of time!
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In other words, God is timeless, so is able to know everything that has happened and
everything that is to happen, and only He knows what He intends to bring about in our futures.
He knows that because it is in His power to make it happen, for he ordains and sustains all life.
I sometimes wondered, with the future and the past equally immediate and the now only a
mark on a line, do we have any real choices in life? Alternatively, are our choices just illusions
of choice? After all, the future is already determined and laid out by God. However, this view
of time returns us to the idea that now is all there is; and we must operate in the now.
Especially since time is defined in so many specific ways in the Bible. We find listed there; an
opportune time, a time of testing, the right time, the appointed time, the acceptable time, the
fullness of time, harvest time, all time, due time, the last times, redeeming the time, enough
time and making the most of the time. Even so, in spite of all that these perceptions of time are
to mean to us, sudden changes in time are not easy for us mortals; they can be overwhelming
and difficult to accept as meaningful.
Being made a “Ward of Court” and moving to a children’s home was another sudden change.
I would be there for a six-week period of assessment, while a permanent home was found for
me. Nana Bea’s visit each weekend, became the highlight of my week. We would spend time
talking and in prayer. It had been over a year, since I had been to church, and I missed the
fellowship, with my friends, but more especially I missed Carl. Nan told me he still came to the
house, was asking about me, but I asked her not to tell him where I had been moved to. I
simply couldn’t handle it, and when I explained how I felt, there was such a look in her eyes.
I knew she would honour my wishes, even if she didn’t agree with why I'd arrived at them.
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I would write to Dene and other friends at church though and Nana Bea would bring the replies
when she came. Our youth group was doing really well, the fact that I was no longer a part of
it, made me feel worse. I was spending no time with God; yet, God had been the only one I
was sure I could always count on. Now it seemed when I needed Him most I was so far
removed from Him.
It is evident that change is the one constant in our lives. Homes, fashions, appearance and
possessions all change. Our health, hope and happiness, beliefs, ethics, and values all change;
even husbands and wives, friends, loved ones and families, change over time. The world keeps
changing, and so do we. Life is full of transitions as we make our journey onward. There are
so many things in life that change and not always what we want to see change, or the way we
would like to see it changed. Before we know it, we've moved on and left behind so much that
we have loved and cherished, or have become accustomed to. With transitions like those, we
are called upon to adapt, adjust, and grow. It can be demanding, complicated, confusing,
frustrating even heart-breaking. We rely at best on our basic coping strategies. And so as this
quote by an Unknown Author states: “Everything that should change stays, the same and
everything that should stay the same changes."
I have echoed that thought many times over
the years. It reflects my struggle with all the transitions I’ve gone through, and there has been
many. Most times to endure the changes, we tend to use our wisdom, tolerance, and
adaptability. We look to our friends, spouses and family for support and advice. (If we have
them) We use our sense of humour; recreational past-times, and hobbies, as a means of stress
relief. Of course, we also rely on our faith to deal with life's ongoing changes. But even our
spiritual life is subject to change throughout our life’s journey. What we believed in our
childhood is quite often different from our beliefs in our thirties, forties, and fifties.
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The apostle Paul once questioned how God could possibly love him, such a miserable,
worthless wretch of a human being? Sometimes, in the small hours of a restless night, I too
wondered if God could really love me. It took a very long time to believe that he could.
Following my six-week period of assessment, I moved to Shirley Oaks; a replicated design in
every sense as The Hollies. Each Cottage had twelve children, ranging in age from six months
to sixteen, with house parents living in.
I moved into “Rose Cottage,” (ironically the same
name as my father’s home) where I was the oldest of the twelve children.
I had lived there
about a month or so when my social worker came to visit. As we sat having tea, she asked me
if I would like to be fostered, I didn't know what that meant, and she explained; then said, if I
would like to meet my prospective parents, they were in the living room with my house
mother. Daunted by the possibility of being sexually abused again, I said no. Miss Gold asked
why, and I explained. After a long heart-to-heart I agreed. My meeting with the Roche’s went
so well that I immediately spent every weekend with them. After a few months, they decided
to ask my father’s permission to become my legal guardians. I later found out they were close
friends of my form teacher and his wife, Geoff and Olive Manning.
Josh and Gem were none practicing Jews. They had been married for twelve years but had no
children. They had a house in the centre of town and a cottage in the country, their own
business, which took them to the West Indies regularly … and they wanted me to be their
daughter…. I was fifteen plus when the legal guardianship was finalized…. an exceptional age
for such proceedings. However, through all the suffering and pain, through all the changes in
time and place, God brought the Manning’s and the Roche’s into my life to help make the
wrong things right.
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Change and transition don't always have to be unpleasant. God's love and strength can help us
deal with them. Through faith and prayer, we can find opportunities for hope, growth and
second chances in change. We can make our lives what we want to make them. Lives that
better reflect our thoughts and beliefs. Lives more grounded in our faith and spirituality; that
expresses our thankfulness and gratitude for our many blessings. Lives that take time in
applying the wisdom and insight acquired through our experiences. We can use God's love and
strength in the most difficult of transitions. It doesn't mean that everything will go our way or
every transition and change will be painless, but God is always there for us.
Even as my beliefs change and evolve as I have matured, I take comfort in the knowledge that
God loves me. I rely on the strength that God, and my faith has provided me. He remains the
One I can count on throughout all the season I go through; for God is the only constant in a
world of change and transition. He is always there and provides us with the love, support and
strength to deal with the issues of life. In our darkest hour, there is hope, in our pain, there is
comfort, in our sorrow, there is joy. In our sadness, there is peace, for God provides for all our
needs from His endless supply.
“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” Naturally,
we know that there is a season for this and a time for that, and no season can be hurried; all we
can do is to live purposefully until each one arrives, and thankfully until each one ends. Of
course, these verses look beyond a mere temporal theme, and refer to things divine. In that
sense, God has arranged in His mind certain events that must take place; He has planned and
decreed that certain purposes should be brought to light and executed.
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To everything consequently arranged there is a season, and there is a time appointed in God's
heart for everything under heaven. I had parents. The Lord purposed that I would know some
happiness and security as an adolescent. My grandmother had rejected my mother as a suitable
wife for her son. Only because she was already several weeks pregnant, was she allowed to
remain with the family until I was born and weaned at around six months old, I never saw her
again until I was nearly ten. Amazingly, at fifteen, I was given another mother and father.
This causes me to rejoice, and proclaim as David did, “My times are in thy hand” (Ps. 31:15).
This purposeful thought gives us no alternative but total surrender to the almighty power of
God. When we can understand who we are in Him, then we will know beyond a shadow of a
doubt that we must wait for the consummation of God's will, and purpose for our lives, because
there really is no other way.
There is a time to break down, and a time to build up. This is to be applied spiritually; for no
one can hurry the time when he or she is to be broken or when he or she is to be restored. It is
a time to break down when God shatters all our schemes. This breaking down includes the
unforgiveness in our lives. I love to be forgiven, but there have been times I have been
reluctant to forgive. During my formative years, the spirits of anger and bitterness so consumed
me that I held tightly to feelings of resentment, and bitterness. However, I was suffocating
myself, by my unwillingness to forgive the adults who had caused me such pain and heartache.
Believe me, “Forgiveness is a healing experience,” not just because it releases the offender,
but more-so because it liberates the victim.
Before we can move to the next level spiritually there comes a time to build up as God does
His divine work in our spirits.
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This necessitates the breaking down of everything contrary to His own mind and will, so that
He can build up everything consistent with His plan and purpose for our lives. Jesus told us in
His model prayer, that, when we pray, we should ask, "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our
debtors." To forgive means to be forgiven. The two fit together in a delicate oscillation. How
sad it is that we should want forgiveness, and yet remain unwilling to share it with another,
living instead in bitterness and defeat.
Edwin Markham, as he approached retirement,
discovered that the man to whom he had entrusted his financial portfolio had spent every
penny. His dream of a secure retirement had vanished in an instant. Of course, he was furious;
and with time, his bitterness grew. One day, Markham found himself trying to calm himself
down by diverting his attention to drawing circles on a piece of paper. Looking again at the
circles he had drawn on the paper, Markham was inspired to write these insightful lines: He
drew a circle to shut me out, Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout; but love and I had the wit to
win, and we drew a circle to take him in. http://heart-over-head.livejournal.com. These
words are possibly Markham's most famous among his poems. But more important than his
professional accomplishment is the freedom from anger he experienced by offering forgiveness
to the man who had stolen his life-long savings.
And when the time comes for God to break down, He does so meticulously. Have you ever
wondered why so many changes occur in your life? The programs you used to watch on
television or the films you used to be first in line for, you don’t watch them anymore. The
places you used to go, you don't go there anymore. Even some of the friends you thought so
interesting and fun to be with now seems tedious and tiresome. Why? God is breaking down
and removing the rubble from your lives. He is preparing the way for building you up. A new
foundation had to be laid. A foundation built up in Him.
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“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; the first heaven and the first earth had
disappeared now, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the holy city, and the New Jerusalem
coming down from God out of heaven, as beautiful as a bride all dressed for her husband.”
Revelation.21: 1-2. As people of God, we are the “Bride of Christ” that this verse in
Revelation illustrates. For that kind of transition to take place, we will have to go through
seasons of spiritual breaking down, cleansing and building up; so that the events in our past
begin to reveal to us the changes necessary for our future. Maybe that is why God allows us to
be tested, at times so severely. When we have been broken and reshaped, we are even more
beautiful than we were before. We have greater texture and depth of integrity. God, perhaps,
delights in us all the more when we understand that our lives apart from Him would simply
leave us in a fragmented state. These are painful lessons to learn but learn them, we must. It is
painful to be broken and reshaped repeatedly. The chief lesson of it all is that we can look to
the things that shape us and see God in them. We are also to invite Christ into our pain and
suffering for it is He who helps us to endure all things. The solution God has made available
for our broken condition, is “The blood of His Son Jesus Christ” to cleanse, not from some
sins, not from many sins, but from all sin.
In our fallen state, we cannot bring ourselves near to God, but we can and do wonder father
away from Him. We cannot make any progress into the brilliance of His light, but we do get
lost in the expanse of darkness that surrounds us. We cannot create for ourselves a fountain of
living waters, but we do hew out broken cisterns. We cannot live to God's glory, but we do live
to our own excesses. We cannot seek God's honour, but we do seek our own reward. We
cannot walk after the Spirit, but we do walk after the flesh. We can be carnal, worldly-minded,
reckless, thoughtless, and careless about where we spend eternity, yet we find it so difficult to
be spiritually minded, pure and holy.
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We cannot make ourselves fruitful in every good work, but we will by disobedience and selfindulgence, bring leanness into our souls, deadness into our hearts, coldness into our affections,
and in the end guilt, ridden consciences. Only when our spirit is broken and contrite, our lives
face down on the altar before God, and our hearts have been impressed by a sense of His mercy
flowing from His own Spirit are we brought to a total surrender. And as we weep and groan;
He applies His anointing to our spirit, and constrains our feet to walk in cheerful and willing
obedience, and acceptable for His service.
It is the application of the Blood of Christ, which purifies our hearts, and dissolves our spirit in
loving gratitude, causing us to hate sinfulness, and permeates our being with earnest desires to
live to the honour and glory of God.
God is very clear about this, only His purposes, His
plans; His steps will succeed. His call is for us to come to Him and co-operate with Him to
accomplish His purposes, His plans, with His ability, and His strength. We can accept or we
can refuse, but believe me in the end, Our Time will Tell!
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Chapter 6 ~ A Time To Weep And A Time To Laugh
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One of the most difficult faith questions is “Why do bad things happen to good people?”
Naturally, we long for good people to be rewarded, and for bad people to be punished, but
sound judgement tells us that is not the way it should be. Each passing day brings changes in
our lives; both good and bad. Some days we may be shouting, “Praise the Lord” and other
days we may be crying out, “Where are You Lord?” Whatever changes the day brings, we
must retain a godly attitude towards those changes, in order to effectively overcome them.
Without God to assist us through whatever comes our way, we are certain to face our changes
tearful and fearful.
I was comforted beyond my wildest dreams; to say I was spoilt would only be appreciating a
portion of the truth. My new life as Gem and Josh’s daughter was truly a dream come true. I
wrote to my dad regularly, and Nana Bea often visited me. I gave love and I received love, but
there was something sadly lacking in my life. I never went to church anymore. Usually at the
weekends we would go to the house in the country, and the nearest church was Roman
Catholic. From time to time I would go in and pray, watching others as they lit candles, and
genuflected to the Virgin Mary, and reverently paid homage to the many sainted icons. I felt
comfortable there, but I didn't feel at home there. My beliefs were totally different, and with
no real knowledge of Catholicism, I found it difficult to make it a choice. Of course when I
told Nana Bea about this, I could see she wasn't pleased, although she said nothing. Usually
when it was time for her to go, we would pray together as we walked to the bus stop, and she
would encourage me to read my Bible.
One morning a letter arrived for me. At first, I
thought it was from my dad, since he was the only one who ever wrote me airmail. However, I
quickly realized it wasn't my father’s writing; so cautiously, I opened it and found to my
surprise, it was from my mother.
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I had been in London for over five years, and this was my mother’s first letter to me. Excited at
what it contained, I read eagerly. The nature of the letter, however, startled me, and I showed it
to Gem. My father had been arrested for Manslaughter, and was in prison awaiting trial.
Although it was the middle of the term, Gem made plans for us to go and visit my dad; and
stay for the duration of his trial. Travelling through familiar places where dad and I had gone
in the past was unnerving; but, Gem was wonderful, God certainly chose the right mother for
me. He knew what was coming, and made the correct provision for it.
My dad had broken up a fight between two men, but by the time the police arrived at the scene,
the assailant had vanished, and so had most of the witnesses. The remaining witnesses were
friends of the assailant, and identified my dad as the perpetrator. The police found dad
attending to the victim, who died later in the hospital without regaining consciousness, and so
unable to substantiate his story. He was found guilty of manslaughter, and at the trial was
sentenced to fifteen-year imprisonment. He could appeal, but it would be costly, and the
lawyer didn't hold out much hope of him winning, although, everyone knew that the evidence
against him was false. My dad had never hurt anyone, yet he was going to prison for taking
another man’s life. Neither of us could hold back the tears as we said our lingering goodbyes
that June morning in 1961, totally unaware that it would be our last embrace.
We take our freedom so much for granted. In fact, we often take our entire lives for granted!
And when we do, it’s as if we are self-sufficient, and so, rely more on ourselves than on God.
After those experiences, I strive never to take anything or anyone for granted. Of course, I
blamed the devil for the wickedness of those who caused my father, and I, such pain, since this
was no natural disaster, and I could not appreciate it as an act of God.
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But, the agony we experienced as a family lead me to doubt God's power and ability to respond
to injustice. I questioned, “Why doesn't God punish those people? Why doesn't God instantly
rescue those who call on His Name for deliverance? Is it alright with God if we suffer? And if
it is all right, what kind of a God do we worship? And if it isn't all right, why doesn't God do
something about it?” Then I remembered Psalm 31, where David asserts his anger and despair
at the injustice, he saw around him. He cried out to God, expresses desperation, and a longing
for God to deliver him. Most of us have experienced something of that despair. And when God
seems unresponsive, we seek to make some human sense of it all; and while I would agree that
“pain is a part of life," an acceptance of this reality hardly consoled me. My dad was sentenced
to fifteen years, and as far as I could see, God was doing nothing about it. It seemed there were
no available answers, either in my own consciousness or from the adults around me, so again I
turned to the Bible in the hope of finding a solution to my confusion. The Book of Job is a
remarkable story; and while it does not explain the mystery of suffering nor justify the ways of
God, it does probe the depths of faith in spite of suffering. As I read about Job’s calamity, I
identified it with my dad’s predicament. Job is described as an innocent and upright man who
revered God. He is blessed with sons and daughters; and very prosperous. We are then drawn
to a conversation between God and Satan; where Satan challenges God to assess Job's loyalty.
God agrees to this prospect. The only stipulation being that Job should not die. Immediately,
Satan brings calamity after calamity upon Job. Yet, even though Job loses his children and all
of his worldly possessions, Job remains faithful. My father’s plight was quite a revelation, but
nothing compared to Job’s! “Hold your piece with me, and let me speak, then let come on me
what may! Why do I take my flesh in my teeth, and put my life in my hands? Though He slay
me, yet will I trust Him”. Job 13: 13-15a. While Job’s story did not answer all the questions, I
had about evil and pain; it did affirm that God's presence is always with us. It is also a
reminder that there is so much mystery in God's being, and that I simply had to accept that
mystery with all of its ambiguity, and obscurity.
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I was helped to live with such a mystery as I remember that others have had to walk their
mysterious and unknown roads too. And as they have walked, they have become aware that
they were accompanied on the journey; this accompanying Spirit gives courage and strength.
Like David in Psalm 31, after he expresses his distress, he ends with an affirmation: Be strong,
and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord. Yet, even in the blessedness of
answered prayer, we know that there will be “A time to weep." Psalm 30: 5, however, assures
us, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." The healing soothing
balm of Gilead brings joy, and teaches the value of permanence. “That which is true and
beautiful and good lasts forever,” Just as God is eternal and unchanging, so are God’s truths. If
we wish to find God, we must seek that which lasts. That which lasts begins with a time of
healing from the hurts that weigh us down and keep us from taking charge of our emotional
lives.
In response to these lessons on permanence, Ecclesiastes pointedly observes that many of the
most valued things in life, like love, peace, joy, health, creativity, wealth, and compassion, last
momentarily, and are then replaced by their much-feared opposites. Permanence, argues the
writer, does not necessarily form a part of the spiritual life, since the things of that life are far
from permanent. If the journey of our heart is bent on attaining permanence, if we measure the
value of a thing or a person or an experience by the length of its existence, then our journey
will be a long and frustrating one. The view being, nothing lasts forever; but a brief moment in
the sun, an instant of breath upon the wind, and all of us, all of this earth, passes away. That is
why in our current state God allows us time to build up, to construct the new order of our lives,
to erect from the chaos of circumstance and change an abiding foundation, so that what we
look towards is always better than what we have left behind.
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To build up selects a time for taking authority over the demons within us, for trampling them
down and casting them out as the Holy Spirit straightens the crocked ways ahead for a change
of route. The journey then assumes a new shape, marked by significant differences: familiar
things changed by time and experience, long-standing friends gone forever, new friends
appearing, new insights, new visions and goals as the journey continues, through further
avenues of change. The transformations are even greater when our journey is viewed
spiritually, in terms of our lives as the people of God. Whether we realize it or not, we are
embarked upon life-altering experiences and the circumstances we must face daily will enable
us to come to our journey’s end totally different people. Something purposeful happens in our
lives during the journey that changes us, in our relationship to our family, and those we love, or
those we have been estranged from. The personal change is reflected in our commitment to
our work; to our community involvement, and in the way we perceive our lives in our world.
The change may energize us or consume us, give us new confidence or rock our already
shaking pedestals, instilling in us greater clarity and steadfastness, or leaving us still caught up
in our own heady brand of confusion. In time God makes the changes in our lives so great that
the old, familiar journey of the soul, seeking lasting truth and value, begins to look neither old
nor familiar, but renewed, and mysterious; and considerably more certain in its outcomes, even
in gloomiest seasons of testing’s and trials.
Then there is a time to laugh! Thank you Jesus! Ecclesiastes chapter three clearly confirms
this. Yet, many times we condemn ourselves because we are not always able to put on a happy
face. God never intended our laughter to persist for prolonged periods of time. Because He
knows that we will experience many conflicting emotions on our journey, but He does promise
a time of laughter.
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Luke 6: 21 reads: “Blessed are you who hunger now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you
who weep now, for you shall laugh."
I truly believe: “A merry heart doeth good like a
medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones” Proverbs 17:22. Ever laughed so hard your
sides ached? I have and it is a blessed ache. I love to laugh and to be around others that are
genuinely able to laugh joyously. It delights me to look across the room and see members of
my family and friends bent double with laughter, and to share in the energy and enjoyment it
brings. To counter the sad times, the Bible approves of laughter!
Laughter is an important
release of the build-up of stresses in our lives. It is the much-needed therapy for the burdens of
the day. Certainly, there are times to be sober as we face many tough situations in our lives and
ministries. We need to learn how to experience the relief of laughter. In our most difficult
seasons, laughter can become the coping mechanism we use to deal with our circumstances.
There will always be seasons of storms and sadness, but as we learn to find a balance, we will
take advantage of times of laughter and joy in our lives. It could very well make the difference
in our fulfilment and purpose in our service to the Lord. Part of the problem, however, is that
too many of us take ourselves way too seriously; but, God has a sense of humour, if you don’t
believe me just go take a look in the mirror!
With great excitement and laughter Gem and Josh announced the arrival of their first baby.
They had been waiting for so long they had resigned themselves to never having a child of
their own, and had chosen me to be their daughter.
Now there was to be an addition to the
family. God is so awesome! At first, I felt things would change when the baby arrived, after
all they were only my legal guardians, and this would be their own child; but it became clear, I
really needed no proof of their love… I was sixteen when Marie was born.
Her arrival
created a whirlwind of activity and enjoyment as well as plenty of stress and fatigue. At first,
my parents found Marie overwhelming.
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She had a mind of her own and sleep was not one of her pastimes. She seemed to demand a
feed every two hours, of course true to form, nappy changes were just as regular, and at a time
when most nappies were made from terry towelling, keeping up with the laundry was a
tremendous chore. Marie was the most significant and permanent change to come into their
lives, making other seemingly “eternal” aspects of life pale by comparison. I read somewhere:
“If you don't like your house, you can sell it. If you don't like your partner, you can break up. If
you don't like the career path, you have followed so far, well, you can change that too. But
babies are permanent and Omni-present from the day they are born.” That is so accurate!
Marie’s arrival brought a world of change to our family, and everything was different then on.
Without a doubt however, she was a blessing, a miracle, and the best thing that could ever
happen, but my parents were not prepared for such a lifestyle transition, especially sleep
deprivation. Nevertheless, change, even in its seemingly negative forms, waned as my parents
learned new routines in the never-ending battle against fatigue and parental duty, and by the
time Marie was about four months old, Joy took on a whole new meaning. It is remarkable
how much happiness a baby can bring to a family. It truly was a time of joy and laughter.
We don’t often find joyous laughter in the Bible, yet as I get older I find that a sense of humour
is invaluable in keeping me in a godly state of mind. I have real misgivings about those who do
not laugh, or who cannot laugh when speaking of things of faith. You see, evil finds it hard to
laugh, and when it does, it is always with the cruel expression of mockery. Laughter for the
wicked is a punishment to be inflicted, rejoicing in the misfortunes of others; therefore, it
comes out cold and insincere. Laughter for the godly is warm, and soothing, and expresses
genuine love from deep within the heart. When the problems of life are too much to bear, it is
possible to attain a new perspective through laughter. Laughter on the journey of life is a
much-needed therapy.
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The stark reality of our world is indeed intense, so we know that there are plenty of reasons to
weep, but we can look at each new day as an opportunity for God to bless us, to be a blessing!
Each moment contains a gift from God; it can be in a smile from a passer- by. It can be a
heartening word from a friend, or loved one, or God's Word speaking to our hearts. Let's not
overlook the obvious ones like a promotion, a good health report after a season of illness, calls
and cards from our children and grandchildren, good friends, an unexpected financial blessing,
or a whole week without something breaking or needing repairs in the home. The list is
endless. Let me remind you, in Malachi 3:6, God says, “For I am the Lord, I change not.”
Isn't that reassuring? With all the changes, there is one thing that cannot change, God’s great
love for us. If we can take this assurance deep into our spirits, if we can affirm constantly the
curative power of God's love to sustain us, whatever the concern, then our transformation
begins to take place.. The unfolding miracle of God's love is that it expands our pain to include
joyfulness. We will not walk in fear, but in faith! We will trust God with all the changes, and
know that He is more than able to support us, and that He even has plans to bless us. When
things get too extreme, laughter opens a way of getting a new perspective and even a deeper
understanding of life. The important thing is not to deny the gravity of a situation but to gain
clarity about our own truth in it; laughter about the situation can help. If you’re mired in
disturbing circumstances, then treat yourself to a good laugh. Even as we wait for morning to
come, wearied by tossing and turning until the dawn, we can embrace glimmers of light. God's
energy and power can move through our pain, enabling us to keep on with our journey, turning
our weeping into laughter; thereby revealing that God is ever-present in the midst of
crucifixions and glorified in resurrections.
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I’m reminded of a story I read years ago: “A man and a woman were being chased by a tiger.
They jumped from the edge of the cliff to escape, and on their way down, reached out and
grabbed onto a bush for dear life. While hanging there, they noticed wild strawberries growing
out of a crevice in the rock. Carefully, they reached out, sharing the fruits together, remarking
to each other, “What delicious berries they were!” May our eyes be opened to the wild
strawberries in the crevices of the rocks around us, and even as we weep and mourn, let us give
thanks for the many “blessings” I pray we will find on the edge of the cliff, so that like the
psalmist, we can be grateful and say: You have turned my mourning into dancing; you have
taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, so that my soul may praise you and not be
silent. O Lord my God., I will give thanks to you forever. That’s the solution right there! We
should always give thanks, for in our thankfulness where we expected our sorrow to continue,
we will find comfort and a growing sense of inner peace. Where we expected only mourning to
last, we will discover new reasons for joy growing out of the very ashes of our sorrows; and as
we patiently await the arrival of new seasons, Our Time Will Tell!
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Chapter 7 ~ A Time To Mourn And A time To Dance
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Ecclesiastes chapter three illustrates that our times of life rarely roll inexorably forward. Our
lives fall into times, cycles and seasons. There will be times to weep and times to laugh, times
to mourn and times to dance. Therefore, it is very important we recognize what period we are
in, that we honour and understand it, and that we make practical allowances for what is needed
to enable our lives to maintain the correct balance.
By the time I was seventeen my life was more or less lived in degrees of normality. I was
doing well in school, and maintaining good grades, but I was re-cultivating the rebelliousness
nature Nana Bea had worked so hard to destroy.
I still wrote regularly to my dad in prison,
filling him in on most of what was happening in my life, and trying hard not to make it sound
as if there was too much pleasure. He would reply when he could. His letters, however, were
monitored, so there was little depth to them, but I became skilled at reading through the lines.
In my last letter, I had told him in about a young man (five years older) I had met, and was
thinking of dating. His reply reminded me that he was still my father in every sense of the
term, although he had given his permission for my guardianship. He was horrified that I
should even consider such an action at seventeen, and asked if they knew about it at church. I
had purposely avoided telling him that I no longer went to church, despite Nana Bea’s prayers
and scolding. My life seemed to be going in a direction that no longer pursued the kingdom of
God, or His righteousness. With extra school activities during the week and being away most
weekends, I hardly even found time to read my Bible, let alone attend church. There were
times I would pray, but that was only when Nana Bea visited. Apart from those times, my life
was devoid of any forms of spirituality. My parents were not practicing Jews, and so never
went to the Synagogue, or even spoke about faith issues. So I evolved from faithful to faithless
over a period of time.
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In spite of my father’s objection, I began dating Paul anyway; and brought him home to meet
my parents. To say they were angry with me would be an understatement. They were far more
furious with Paul, and wondered why a grown man would want to date a schoolgirl. Without
saying a word Josh had thrown Paul out of the house, of course he tripped and was rolling
bompty bomp down the front steps, one step at a time. It was so funny. I wanted to laugh so
badly, because it was like watching an out-take from an old black-and-white comedy, but my
anger robbed me of that pleasure. I had never seen my parents that livid before, and I didn't
like it at all. How dare they tell me what to do? I said things in anger I really didn't mean,
things that were hurtful, and regrettable. Gem concerned by my behaviour, told me to go to
my room, defiantly I told her I was going out. Josh then gave me a choice either to live by
their rules or to live by my own. Fine with me, I retorted, as I slammed the front door behind
me. My wrong and strong attitude had gotten the better of me, now with nowhere to go, I
wandered around the streets aimlessly for hours, convincing myself that I was right, and they
were wrong. After all I was old enough to take care of myself, and had the right to date
whomever I pleased. I aimlessly walked the streets throughout most of the night, and come
morning decided I would go and see my Social Worker at her office. I knew she would be there
around nine, so I had breakfast in a café, and waited. The usually busy social work office was
quiet, faces sombre. Immediately, I felt they had heard what had happened at home and was
mad with me. Mrs Stanbury Miss Gold's colleague called me into her office…. Reluctantly, I
followed, but her soft voice made me lose the attitude. Very quietly she told me that Miss
Gold had died in the hospital the day before. My God, She had to be lying; I needed to talk to
her.
The look on her face convinced me of the truth. I didn't even know she was ill, she’d
never said anything about herself, but I learned that she had been ill for quite a while, and had
gone into the hospital for an operation. She died in the recovery room of a massive stroke. It
took a little while for the news to sink in, and then I couldn't stop the tears.
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Mrs Stanbury talked with me for some time encouraging me to return home; and then
telephoned my parents to let them know she was bringing me back, and broke the news to them
of Miss Gold's death. This time it was death that had closed another door on my life.
Death is the most irrevocable parting of all. And in the case of a sudden death, we are not even
given an opportunity to say a last goodbye. I had never really expressed any gratitude for the
things Miss Gold had done for me, what she meant to me.... or how much I valued her love and
support. But, I want you to know that even as I felt the pain of her passing that not all partings
are devoid of joy. In the sadness of my social worker’s sudden death, Nana Bea and the Bible
came to my rescue, again. The death of someone in our lives causes us to consider our own
mortality, our beliefs about life and death, and the things that give us hope. I hadn't spent time
with God in ages, and I knew I needed to do so, but how?
I felt so far away from Him…
Then I remembered that the night before Jesus died, his disciples were plunged into despair at
the thought that He was leaving them. But He said to them, “You have sorrow now, but I will
see you again and your hearts will rejoice."
In other words, death does not have to be an
everlasting parting. In that sombre moment of confusion and bewilderment, I was particularly
grateful for the love and security of my parents. Over the following months, they guided me
through the process of grief. My parents knew about death and grieving first-hand. They were
teenagers during the Second World War, and experienced the brutality that is man’s
inhumanity to man. They were candid in their explanations and cautious in recounting some of
their experiences of death and grief, but with ever revealing clarity; I learned that life is an
endless interplay of joy and sorrow. Many people believe that life is suffering, and the world is
a vale of tears. That is an incomplete view of life and the world. Life is also a great joy and
the world a place of laughter and celebration. But, like the ocean tides life can at times become
awash with waves of joy, or waves of sorrow.
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Every thought, feeling, or experience that we have contains in it the seed of its opposite. No
matter, how much sorrow we experience, there is the seed of joy, and the inevitability of
happiness arising from it. Likewise, no matter how much joy we experience, there is in it the
seed of sorrow, and the inevitability of pain arising from it as well. But, despite the sorrow,
we experience, in a time of mourning, in a season of grief, we cannot hold on to the person
who has gone; for it is in the pain of letting go that our grief is soothed, and the fire of our
pains extinguished. The agony and reality of death are real. It cannot be denied. It cannot be
minimized. It cannot be ignored. It must be lived through. Successfully working through the
pains of grief does not mean that we have become “adjusted” to our loss. It does not mean that
we have at last “gotten over” our deep feelings of anguish. What it means is that we, ourselves,
have grown into a new reality. God created our emotions so it's acceptable to grieve; but we
must also accept that our sorrow is to be tempered with relief and Thanksgiving, as a
passionate reminder that a time of mourning can also change into a time of dancing.
John 16: 20 assure us: “Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices.
You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.” This scripture affirms that pain can never erase
the possibility of joy. Its faithful promise reassures us that there is beauty in the midst of
destruction, Joy in the midst of sorrow, Wisdom in the face of folly. Mercy in the face of
wrath, New life in the midst of death, and there can be happiness even in the midst of
mourning. While for some, the processes of grief may take a lifetime, the good news is that
during that lifetime you can, once again, experience joy.
Over the years, I've found joy by discovering that my grief is in fact working for my good.
Still, having joy doesn't mean that I was not experiencing pain.
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On the other hand, I didn't have to remain anguished. Looking back at my life before grief,
during grief, and after grief, combined with God's Word, I began to see the purpose of my
sorrows. God was at work in my grief “making me perfect, complete and lacking in nothing”
(James1: 4). As Christians, we do have an advantage over those who do not have Christ in their
hearts when it comes to a time of weeping. Our weeping and mourning will eventually be
turned into joy because we have faith in Christ; our hope and future. Our sorrow is temporal,
and not eternal. In exchange for our sorrow, He gives us a supernatural peace that surpasses our
understanding. But this comes at the end of the process, and not during.
Each of us will react differently to loss; some feel abandoned, or betrayed and afraid; while
others seek love and reassurance; or retreat, needing time alone. Then there are those who go
into denial and seem not to register the loss. They are often unconsciously processing what has
happened, not ready yet, to face the reality of the situation. They may fear being overwhelmed
if they allow themselves to register what has taken place, until they are ready to move on, and
so the process takes more time. Even so, unless we allow ourselves to let go, to grieve the loss,
and to truly say “good-bye” then we will not be ready or able to say “hello.” again. Through
acceptance of the reality of ourselves, we will develop the power to affirm life, and to grow.
Through acceptance, we learn that it is important not to repress our deep-seated feelings of
disappointment, and anger, it is best to work through them and then let them go. Only then can
we give to others, and become a source of inspiration, and live meaningful lives. Through
which the discovery and experience of value and meaning in our lives and in our losses
becomes the most powerful healing process of all.
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Accordingly, we come to realize that all of life is transitory. People, possessions, situations are
given to us for set periods of time; and as we acknowledge the transient nature of life, we can
then begin to look deeper and see what it is that we can never lose. There is a time for
everything; and as such even emotions must follow the etiquette of proper timing; as found in
Ecclesiastes: “There is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to
dance." It does take time though, I missed her so much; but with joy, I could thank God, for
her positive input into my life. And over time I came to realize that death leaves a heartache no
one can heal, but love leaves a memory no one can steal. With joy, I could recall happier
moments, times spent and love exchanged, for death could not erase my memories of the life
we shared. So I look to the future knowing, Our Time Will Tell.
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Chapter 8 ~ A Time To Throw Away Stones, And A Time To Gather Stones Together
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In spite of all the heartaches, setbacks and detours; my life's journey has been an amazing
adventure of valleys and mountains, in a continuous exploration of the heart, mind and spirit.
Sometimes, my heart has been gladdened, at other times it has been saddened, even so, as the
journey continues, I am assured in this wonderful promise in Ezekiel 36:26, of a new heart no
matter how stony mine has become: “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within
you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” As I
pondered the fact that at times my heart has been like a stone towards God, I began thinking
about the importance of stones in my life and all they symbolize generally. I have gathered
beach stones along with seashells, since I was a child… the same as you may have. I have in
my collection, some unusually shaped and colourful stones. I find it quite comforting to see
these stones in a glass bowl in my lounge, or to hold one in my hand. I love to take delight in
the abundance of the simple things of life, which are the true sources of joy. But beyond their
delight, I began reflecting on the varied implication of stones.
From the earliest times stones are one way for us to connect to Mother Earth. We recognize the
shaping of stones … whether smooth or rough… plain or colourful… as the result of the
ancient and primeval forces of nature; volcanoes and earthquakes, glacial flows, and the
movement of oceans, or just sedimentation and the slow pressure of aeons. Stones speak to us
of the interdependent web of nature… and of our inexplicable God, the ultimate source of all
creation. So to grasp a stone, is to hold the result of millions of years of creation right there in
the palm of our hands. Contemplate that, or as David writes in the Psalm: “Selah”!
The year I left school, and during the summer holidays before I would start college, we had
gone as a family to our home in the country.
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Most of that summer was spent on the beach there, and yes, gathering stones and shells. Gem
and Josh had been my parents for over two years. They now had a child of their own and
another on the way. I was happy, but something was gnawing away at me. It was a depressive
restlessness I could not fathom, and that bothered me even more. I had already begun to notice
people staring at us as a family, questioning the black child, and the white parents. There were
looks of sympathy and looks of disgust, which made me, feel insecure and angry. I had been
the only black child at school, so I knew about racism, and I was known to handle that sort of
nonsense in a very unchristian way. That summer all along the coast I’d met black families,
only a few, but enough to initiate questions of who I was; and more to the point what was to
become of my future? Times like that always took me back Nana Bea or my Bible. This time
the Bible was closest, and so I read and kept on reading until I read a line in Ecclesiastes that
particularly resonated with me “A time to throw away stones.” I thought about the stones, I
had gathered that week; and I thought about my life. I felt like a rolling stone that was
gathering nothing; and the more I thought about it the more restless and depressed I became. I
didn't know why. I could not comprehend it. My parents were so loving and really wonderful
to me, but there I was yearning for a new life, my own life. Everywhere, I looked, everyone I
knew had their own life, so why didn’t I? Memories of my childhood came flooding back, the
abuse, the rejections, the loneliness … but there was something else that was sadly missing; my
real family. Had I reached the season to cast away stones? I desperately wanted to talk to my
parents, but just didn't know how to initiate such a topic. I felt ungrateful, and so wretched.
However, with so many questions, and no answers, by the end of the summer holidays I was
like a bear with a sore head. I started smoking, and taking the odd drink here and there;
clearly, I was spiralling downwards again. Everything and everyone annoyed me, including my
baby sister. I did everything I could to get out of taking care of her, even to the point of telling
blatant lies; so I could spend more time out of the house with so-called friends who were much
older, but way less wise than I was.
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The admonition found in Hebrews 13: 5, “be content with what you have” sparked nothing in
me. I was in a state of flux, and even before I had thought it through, with no explanations or
goodbyes, I had packed a few things and left to stay with friends. I was on the run again, only
this time I didn’t know what I was running from, or even why. That was a long time ago, time
enough to reflect and regret, yet, I have never understood why I behaved the way I did, all I can
allude to at this point in my life is this appropriate passage: “For everything there is a season
and a time for every matter under heaven." This piece of wisdom literature focuses our
attention on the cycles of nature and of time; in conjunction with our right or wrong life
choices; our misconceptions and distorted judgements; our misguided feelings, and the feelings
of others towards us.
Recently, as I reflected on this passage in Ecclesiastes, my attention was drawn again to the
gathering and casting away of stones. This led me to study, in particular, the many metaphors
of stones and rocks, which appear in Scripture. In most of these metaphors, God is often
referred to as a rock. The patriarchs in the Old Testament usually set up stones as altars to
mark important events. The Ten Commandments were written on stones. Moses struck a rock,
and water flowed from it.
Jesus is portrayed as the chief corner stone. And it was a large
stone that was rolled away from the tomb on Resurrection morning. Peter had his named
changed to “Petra,” which means rock. And in his first letter, we are admonished to be like
living stones. “You also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy
priesthood offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 2: 5).
This verse contains such fluid imagery of stones. Stones are known for their permanence, their
imperviousness to change or weather conditions. They are also not easily moved from one
place to another, especially boulders. Once placed in a specific spot, a stone will remain there,
until a greater force is exerted upon it.
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I concluded my study with the threshing stones, which were used to separate the grain from the
chaff. Its meaning goes beyond merely the place where grain was winnowed. “For thus saith
the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, The daughter of Babylon is like a threshing floor: it is time
to thresh her: yet, a little while, and the time of her harvest shall come” Jeremiah 51: 33.
The threshing floor represents a separation and cleansing in the Scriptures. It is symbolic of
the relationship between the Bride and the Bridegroom. It is not insignificant that Ruth came
to Boaz at the “threshing floor” Ruth 3:6-14. Boaz represents Christ (our kinsman redeemer)
and Ruth, the Bride of Christ.
At the centre of the threshing floor, one finds two large flat
stones, one resting on the top of the other; they were “fitted and joined” together.
The top
stone was known as the “female” and the bottom stone the “male”. The “grinding of grain”
was a depiction of the act of marriage.
The act of marriage is a physical depiction of the
“spiritual communion” God desires between Himself and Mankind.
When God’s covenant people stray from Him and worship other gods, God calls it “adultery”
or “playing the harlot” Ezekiel 23:37, Hosea 4:12. Notice what God says to Israel in Hosea
9:1, “You have loved harlot’s earnings on every threshing floor." It became clear to me that
the “threshing floor” speaks more importantly about a place of worship. Our worship is to be a
time of ” threshing" a particular time for God to separate the “wheat” from the “chaff” in our
lives. When we enter into worship, we are stepping on to God’s “threshing floor” where He
separates those things, which need to be “winnowed” out of our lives. Worship is the Bride
and the Bridegroom coming together to “consummate” their marital relationship, out of which
“life” is produced.
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Sadly, at that point in my life worship was the farthest thing from my mind. In my desperation
to belong, I had abandoned my adoptive family. Nevertheless, as homesick as I became, I was
determined to find what I believed I needed to seek.
My life took many twists and turns over
the next few months. With no real place to stay, I again became nomadic, going from one
friend to another. Most of my belongings were in a locker at Victoria Railway Station, or at
one house or another. I was free but didn't know what to do with my new-found freedom. I
began going to nightclubs in the West End. Mixing with a crowd, Nana Bea called
“unsavoury”, she didn't know the half of it. I was trying to find myself in all the wrong
places, and making more wrong choices along the way. “But God is an on-time God” One
Friday night I met up with some girls I knew from my old school. I hadn’t seen Vee, Lana and
Yvonne in three years. We were all the early session of a night club, which turned out around
ten thirty, in preparation for the all-nighter. The girls had to be home by midnight and invited
me to stay with them. That was an opportunity too worthwhile to miss; since I had been
sleeping in railway stations or on sofas, so I jumped at the chance to sleep between clean sheets
for a change. When we got to Vee’s house, we chatted until the early hours of the morning
then climbed into her older brother’s enormous bed and fell asleep.
It had been quite some
time, since I had slept so soundly, so much so, that I was still asleep long after the others had
gotten up. “It’s time you were up” startled me. I ignored the forceful command, but seconds
later the covers were off me, and I turned to see a young man staring at me, plainly gobsmacked by the fact that I was actually wearing his pyjamas.
Sensing my obvious
embarrassment, he laughed and introduced himself as Vee’s older brother Lee; then added
“you know you’re going to have to marry me now, don’t you?” In my foolish meandering way
had I found what I was looking for? No doubt, time will tell!
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The saying goes, “In spring, a young man’s fancy turns to love.” I’m sure that is true for
young women too!
To everything there is a season, except for love: love is in all seasons,
everywhere, and it never, ever dies. Remember, "God has made everything beautiful in its
time. Furthermore, He has put eternity into our hearts,” While all things pass away, each
lasting for its own time and beautiful in that time, it is what endures that abides in our hearts,
the love we have for one another, and the interdependent bonds we form with others. Even so,
what did I know? I was still circling as this poem portrays: “I live my life in growing orbits that
moves out over the things of this world, perhaps I can never achieve the last, but that will be
my attempt. I am circling around God, around the ancient tower. I have been circling for a
thousand years, and still I do not know if I am a falcon, or a storm, or a great song”. Growing
Orbits by Rainer Maria Rilke - http://www.mageist.net/orbit.html
I still loved Carl; thoughts of him rarely left my mind. Our last meeting had left me in no doubt
about how he felt, but it had also heightened my worst fears. I had written him so many letters,
but never got around to posting any of them; I simply couldn’t find the words to explain what
he wanted to know; let alone how I felt; and the more I procrastinated the more I believed it
was best left unsaid. Still weeks away from my eighteenth birthday, off I went that morning,
circling again as I began anew a journey of the heart. I had lost Carl; but perhaps this time I
had found what I needed, perhaps not. Perhaps I would circle for another thousand years and
still not know! After all I had never asked myself the question “What time is it?” I didn't
know what time, cycle or season I was in, maybe I just wasn't old enough to know; but my life
was about to transition once again, and what was painstakingly clear, was if I wanted to be
accepted as an adult, it was time to leave my childhood behind and grow up.
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Life has its own recurrent rhythms. These are the great rites of passage through which all of us
move in time, such as leaving home; one's first loving relationship; getting married; becoming
a parent. Passages that serve in a sense as measures of that segment of our life's journey, a
sequencing of life that provides a rhythmic flow of time in which we can encounter life's
meaning according to our own pulsating beat. If we are making use of our time and our
opportunities, we slowly go deeper into the meaning of life's recurrent rhythms. We experience
it’s intermittency, ceaselessly throughout our living: the thrill of spring; the lull of summer; the
glory of autumn; the slow, inward brooding of winter; and as we grow both older and hopefully
wiser, this rhythmic time pattern becomes an old friend, a comfortable set of well-worn clothes
that we wear with an increasing sense of ourselves within them.
Remember this: No one possesses a commodity more precious than time. Time is you; time is
me, poured out, and stored up, given to someone or something, or reserved selfishly. Time is
valuable, limited, inexorable, breathtaking, and must be esteemed if we are to succeed in life.
Time is so beautiful that the Son of God stepped out of the ceaselessness of time in the heavens
and into the ephemeral time here in the earth for the single purpose of redeeming the human
family for eternity.
I believe the world has invented every conceivable time saving device, simply because it takes
time to be holy, and the world is the enemy of holiness. It takes time to establish the Kingdom
of God, and the world hates His Kingdom. However, if we are going to redeem the souls of
the lost, time must become our sanctified possession, dedicated to the eternal, instead of the
temporal. It’s time to defeat the time stealers. It’s time to regain the fluent discipline of our
own destiny, because time is the creator of any meaningful future.
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Every great musician has learned to dedicate his or her time to the art of music. Every anointed
preacher who fearlessly expounds the words of Holy Scripture, at some time past determined
they would dedicate significant time to the study of God’s Word. One cannot spend time in the
Bible in the meaningful love of truth without discovering the revelation of truth within its
pages. In the soul of a saint who truly studies God’s Word those truths will soon become a fire
of witness flowing freely out to the lost world. Accordingly, every godly parent knows raising
their children can be best described as time consuming. It takes time to instil the values that
will mould children into responsible adults. It takes mothers; fathers and care givers time to
mellow the heart of a mischievous child. It’s amazing what it means to a child to have their
parents spend time with them, instead of away from them. The ultimate expressions of selfinterest are parents who spend their time on copious activities rather than with their families.
We all need time to come apart, but to come apart with the things of this world is more
dangerous than to come apart at the seams; and the very reason many of us come apart at the
seams is because we spend so much of our time frustrated, unbridled or unplanned and have
overloaded our lives with stresses and negative cares. Undisciplined time is destruction
working overtime in the body. The best medicine for stress is time organized. Goal orientated,
well structured, and filled with enjoying what one does with his or her God given time.
However, I had negated my times with God. My baptism and filling with the Holy Spirit were
things of the past. My Bible was somewhere gathering dust. How could I search for life
without the road map God had so graciously provided me? In spite of this, at one of the most
confusing points in my life I realized that God’s loving hedge of protection still surrounded
me; “the angel of the Lord still encamped around me” Psalm 34:7. Good or bad, right or
wrong, remember; Paul teaches in Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together
for good to those who love God.”
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There was still love in me for God, a love that could never die; but as for being called for His
purpose, now, that was a whole other matter. For the light of Christ was no longer shining in
me, I had buried it beneath the stones of soul-destroying emotional scars and unbearable issues.
But I have proved that when things don't go the way they should, God always makes it turn out
good. Through countless curves along life's journey, each of us, I am sure, have plumbed life's
depths and scaled the heights as well. We have known times of seeking and of losing, times of
hoping and of despairing, times of loving and times of hating. God has placed eternity in our
minds and in our experience; and so we need to learn about the great rhythms of life because
the best news of our theology is that each one of us will never cease existing as a conscious
soul. We will never cease our journey unto our spiritual destiny. And knowing about the
rhythms will give us patience and tolerance, and will help us to see into the deeper processes of
the divine operation of God’s purposes.
Often, the problem is as I have said before is that we are so desperately near-sighted; that we
look at the events of the moment and forget their relation to the greater design of things. We
rarely choose to step back far enough to view things as God does. Yet it is He who declares
“the end from the beginning” in Isaiah 46:10. God sees the beauty of the changing scenes of
life, but in our humanness, we want everything to be perfect; and we want it right now!
Where did we ever get the notion that we must be perfect to be worthy of love and acceptance?
Was it from our parents who set such lofty goals for us, who always wanted us to do better and
make the most of ourselves? Was it from our teachers, who spent more time pointing out what
we did wrong more than praising us for what we got right? Alternatively, did we get it from
pastors and Sunday school teachers who emphasized the gravity of whatever moral infractions,
we were capable of as children, and taught us that every little deed counted?
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I’m not sure how it came into being, but somewhere along the journey many of us, including
myself got the negative impression that to be worthy of love, we had to be perfect. Really, do
we have to be perfect to be loved? Would others not love us whatever secret we held or
whatever our flaws? One of the most liberating discoveries for me was to find out that even
though I was less than perfect I could still be loved. What I was still unclear about was
whether I had it in me to reciprocate love.
The process, however, of falling in love, and being
in a sexual relationship; It was not an aspect I envisaged as appropriate for my life at seventeen
plus. I was terrified being so young, and the raw memories of my abusive past were still too
fresh in my mind. Sure, I'd hoped to fall in love again someday, as I had with Carl. I'd imaged
getting married and having a family, but there was another part of me that was determined to
find a life for myself and to discover the person I was to become. I guess in my heart, I
contradicted my own plans when I met Lee, he was so much like Carl it was unnerving; and to
suddenly becoming attached to someone other than Carl, was so overwhelming. In no sense
had I intended this to happen. I had run away from so much in my life that my initial feelings
were to run and keep on running. Even so, deep inside I felt I had to make it work. I had run
away from so much already, I had to stop running long enough to take account of my life and
my future. My abusive experiences had not prepared me for life, let alone the responsibility of
loving, and receiving genuine love. Of course, I wanted to be loved and to belong, but the
truth is when it came, it caught me completely off guard.
The world describes this emotional meeting of heart, body and soul as “falling in love” because
that's exactly what happens: you fall with little or no prior warning; and find yourself thinking
that you've never felt so absolutely incredible in your entire life. But, Lee and I had to be
friends first. I needed time to adjust before committing myself to him sexually. He was three
years older, and his maturity showed in everything he did.
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His sensitivity, warmth and sagacity made him easy to get along with. He could make me
laugh, and just as easily got me talking even when I didn’t want to, and so we shared things
with each other that we hadn't with anyone else. I’d fallen in love with someone before that I
felt completely connected to, and lost him due to unforeseen circumstances. This time I had to
be sure. As the weeks went by, Lee and I became like two sides of the same coin.
It was
almost as if we could read each other’s thoughts, to the point of being able to finish each
other’s sentences... From my childhood, I had yearned for love and affection, and surprisingly
had found varying degrees of it in my teenage romance and from some of the adults in my life,
but at times it cost more than I was willing to pay...
Now this was a special kind of love.
Lee’s love for me was unrestricted; it made me feel happy and secure; and confident enough to
tell him everything, including how I still felt about Carl. He was so understanding, caring and
supportive his strength filled me with such a sense of comfort. With all my many-faceted
flaws, Lee loved me, and slowly I believed I fell in love with him. Soon, we were living
together, and making plans for our future; knowing it to be wrong, yet desperately wanting it to
be right. During those early months together I learned that love happens when we decide to
care about ourselves and about others from a posture of open heartedness; and that takes
strength. Love flows in us when we discover we have the power to look at the past hurts and
unhappiness, the suffering and loss, the anger and anguish, and forgive, and forget long enough
to go on living in victory instead of remaining a victim. Love happens when we stop filling
our eyes with tears of self-pity, and instead shed cleansing cathartic tears that allow the sadness
to pour freely from our hearts, so that we can heal and become strong enough to help others
bear the weight of theirs.
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So whenever I look at the stones, I have in my collection, there are some there that Lee and I
gathered together. I know that, because each stone has a story to tell. Each has its own
account, and significance; and as I hold each stone, I can recall episodes of our life together. In
those stones are happiness, as well as sadness and despair. There are rough and jagged stones
of anxiety and sorrow, brokenness, betrayal, death and divorce. There are also precious stones
of beauty and joy and thankfulness that we lived, loved and learned so much, just from
knowing each other, and in spite of all that happened between us, for remaining such very good
friends. In those stones, I also recognize as we travel separately on our continuing journeys of
life, we could be confident that wherever life leads us, or whatever new and more challenging
goals were still ahead of us, because of what we had already overcome, and all we had
endured, we are both better able to navigate the pot holes we would encounter in the road.
Sadly, while writing this book Lee went home to be with the Lord … alas, my very dear friend
has gone ahead of me; so the journey changes again, but of this I am certain, Our Time will
Tell.
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Chapter 9 ~ A Time To Embrace
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Before Lee and I were married in 1967, due to severe complications, I had miscarried twice.
The death of our babies made me feel like God was punishing me for leaving Him out of my
life; and for living “in sin” when I knew the truth of His word. My father had been in prison
for several years by then, and was extremely disappointed with my choice of lifestyle. I rarely
saw Nana Bea anymore, except for birthday and Christmas visits, as my life revolved around
making a home, working and attending night school. Sunday was the only day I had to
unwind, so church was completely out of the question. Bible study and prayer never even
entered my thoughts. At that time, the old adage “you got what you wanted and lost what you
had” proved true for me in more ways than I could count. I awoke one Sunday morning with
such feelings of self-reproach for neglecting Nana Bea that I felt compelled to pay her a visit.
Over time, I had done the dutiful phone calls, and sent seasonal and birthday cards, but I had
not seen her in almost a year, and had not told her I was expecting another child, so the guilt I
felt was appropriate. I arrived at her home bearing gifts, which I hoped would somehow
redeem me of my selfish disregard, and reaffirm me as her loving great granddaughter. From
the many twists and turns of my life's journey until then, I really believed I had learned to alter,
accept and adjust to the astonishing ways in which life could transition unexpectedly.
Nevertheless, that Sunday afternoon, I found out there were still more lessons I needed to learn.
Delighted at the prospect of spending the afternoon being nurtured by Nana Bea and expectant
of the kind of Sunday dinner I knew would be ready, especially one I didn’t have to prepare.
I rang the doorbell; but when the door opened, I was so astonished to see Carl standing in the
doorway, that those thoughts of affectionate nurture and good home cooking rapidly
evaporated from my mind; as all that is the motion and rhythm of time stood still in one
breathless heady moment. Then panic took a hold of me. The pulse in my temples was
pounding so hard I felt my head would explode. I broke out in a cold sweat. My legs turned to
jelly, and my stomach churned so badly, I prayed that I wouldn’t go into premature labour
again right there in the hallway. Seeing him again completely astounded me.
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Then of course vanity reared its pretty little head, and made me conscious of the fact that the
first time we’d seen each other after so many years, I looked more like a cross between a hypo
and a beached whale. More disturbingly, I was already regressing to the coy, speechless,
tongue-tied, awkward thirteen-year old, with a crush the size of the universe, and the object of
my affections standing a couple of inches away from me, so I couldn’t dwell on that for long.
I tried to say something meaningful and hopefully unforgettable, but all that came out was hi. I
wanted to tell him how much I had missed him, and what he’d truly meant to me, at the same
time I wanted the ground to open up and consume me. Where was the thunderbolt and
lightening when you needed it? And why oh why did I choose to visit Nana Bea that particular
day? I hadn’t seen Carl for nearly six years; now seeing him again brought back all the
emotions I’d tried so hard to suppress. The look in his eyes, and the sadness on his face, was
evident he still cared for me; and I was experienced feelings I never imagined I would ever
have again, yet there they were washing over me like a torrential downpour. Seeing him was
such a shock to my system that I couldn’t say anything, and then I heard myself ask – “so, tell
me what are you doing now”? I didn’t hear his response. I was already thinking that it not only
came out wrong. It came out so cold. Meanwhile swirling around in my thoughts was the fact
that I was now in a committed relationship with Lee; so certain that my feelings for Carl had
naturally faded over time. But seeing him again made it clear that I’d emotionally denied the
truth, because, what I’d assumed in my mind, clearly did not line up with what was deep in my
heart. It took every scrap of self-control to stop myself from holding him in my arms and
telling him how much I loved him… In the depths of my spirit, I believed I was in a really
good place in my relationship with Lee, but seeing Carl again jolted me back a step or three,
and I couldn’t help but wonder why fate that had kept us apart would bring us together again
on that particular day? Why did we both happen to be at Nana Bea’s at the same time, clearly
feeling the same way about each other, even after so much time had elapsed?
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Oddly, while everything else was going on in my mind, I recalled the Sabbath I first learned to
fast and pray, and the lessons, I had learned that day. Now in this situation there had to be a
lesson there, and I really wanted to learn from it; but it was simply too deep to fathom there
and then. In my pubescent mind, I expected Carl and I to spend the rest of our lives together;
and it was excruciating leaving without even saying goodbye. Maybe I still felt the way I did
because it wasn’t just a normal break-up. He was the teenage boy with whom I had my first
experience of love; the one with whom I spent time and had such wonderful memories of times
together. The closeness we shared, taught me so much about my own identity, simply by being
devoted to someone else. In leaving my abusive home behind, I’d lost the best friend I ever
had, and the only person I truly felt comfortable with. I realized that day that the intense
emotional pain I experienced at leaving Carl had over time just laid dormant under the rubble
of my suppressed emotions. My love for Carl had grown out of unexpected feelings. Emotions
even as an adolescent I’d hoped to cherish for the rest of my life! From the trauma and
bewilderment of my abusive existence, Carl gave me the wings to rise like the Phoenix from
the ashes of pain: much like a glorious spring, coming after a muggy season of winter, which
rejuvenates and rekindles new life. Faced with the reality of it all I had to accept as painful as
the situation was, that it seemed God had placed him in my life for just that reason, but only for
that season; and by some cruel changes of destiny, nothing could come of our feelings for each
other! For everything there is a season, and only time will tell when a season will begin, and
when it will end, and through each season, there are lessons to be learned, and as painful as it
gets, new strengths to be gained.
I quickly made my excuses and left Nana Bea’s that day just as confused and bewildered as the
morning I’d run away. On the way home, with tears flowing, I realized that my reserved
manner was simply a ploy to hide the fact that I was still desperately in love with Carl.
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Then again, I was committed and unavailable. I was about to have a child for a man who loved
me without question; I had to find a way for “closure,” But how escaped me. I was almost at
the train station when I decided I had to go back. I had to face the truth. When I ran away, I’d
made a decision without giving Carl the option to make one for himself, now I had to give him
that choice, I couldn’t go away again without doing so. Walking back to the house I seemed to
find the courage that had eluded me for so many years, and prayed that it would last.
Regrettably, by the time I got back, Carl had already left, and I had missed another opportunity,
that would never again present itself. Had I reached the place in my life when there could be
no turning back, no matter how much I wanted it to? Was this an ideal opportunity for closure?
The worst part of it all was admitting the colossal mistake in the choice I had made.
As the torment in me heightened and the tears came, Nana Bea held me in her arms and did her
best to comfort me, but her consolation only made me feel worse. Because she was doing her
utmost not to say I told you so, but that was all I could hear in every word she spoke. From
that first morning in the garden, she had been encouraging me to face my feelings and my fears
with Carl, even offering to tell him herself. I just couldn’t let her do that, it needed to come
from me, only I couldn’t bring myself to admit the shame of it all. As much as I wanted to I
simply couldn’t get past my feelings of fear and inadequacy. Nana Bea had explained to me
more than once that the only way to overcome my fears was to confront them head on, and had
also taught me that fear was just another form of control devised by the enemy to make us
believe our choices are limited, and to distract us further from the truth of ourselves, and who
God is in our lives.
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In Paul’s second letter to Timothy (1:7), he advises: “for God has not given us a spirit of fear,
but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind”. Unfortunately, many of us have succumbed
to that binding spirit that the enemy uses against us at some point or another in our lives;
forgetting that fear is the complete opposite of faith. And subsequently, our fears become the
substance of things we hope won't happen, but over time convinces us that they will. Like the
fear of rejection that has prevented me from other loving relationships all these years.
Alternatively, the fear of failure that holds so many back from beginning lucrative enterprises.
Webster defines fear as “unpleasant emotions cause by expectation or awareness of danger."
However, if we are honest with ourselves many times the expectation of danger is only an
illusion produced by the emotion of fear itself. What's more, we are advised in1 John 4:18
that: “perfect love casts out fear." This makes it clear that the more of the divine love of God
that we receive into our lives, the less scope, there is for fear to tighten its grip on our
reasoning faculties. Even so, for so long I’d allow my fears to mask my feelings to the point it
had me believing I wasn’t someone Carl could love anymore. In my fear filled dilemma I had
decided on a course of action that concerned us both, without ever giving him the opportunity
of being a part of that judgement. Now he was gone.
How could I let him leave like that?
Nana what do I do now? Her voice was soft as she spoke, but the truth of her advice was
painful to accept. “Sometimes in life we simply have to acknowledge that some things can’t
be explained, and this is one of them. There’s nothing you can do; you’ve simply run out
of time. Only you could have known what felt right, but you left it so long that now you're
not only realising the pain you feel, but also the pain he feels. Honey, you are going to
have to trust the God of all eternity to ease the heartache you are both feeling, because
the time has passed to do so for each other."
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Listening to Nana Bea the feeling of hopelessness is something I remember so clearly, that
sinking despair and the doom-laden sense that the sands of time had in truth run its course
simply because I didn’t know where to begin or how to avoid the unpleasantness of my
explanation. Faced with difficult conditions many of us develop such skilful methods of
fooling ourselves into either deferring or completely avoiding important issues; sadly creating
more misery and torment for ourselves. Equally, when we are in a position that requires a
challenging decision we procrastinate and agonize; experiencing sleepless nights that refuse to
let us forget the issue to be resolved. More often we then become so terrified of the future that
we can neither see, nor accurately predict, but struggle to predict anyway, we become even
more anxious of the consequences, and so we procrastinate further, believing we have time,
knowing that we must, but driven by fear and our own insecurities we remain locked into the
reasons why we can't.
Each of us has procrastinated at one time or another; it’s a prevalent setback, and the results are
generally always the same: wasted time, missed opportunities, self-delusion, amplified tension
and on-going seasons of guilt and regrets. The internal emotional struggles of our feardetermined procrastination then express itself as avoidance and the intense desire either to
delay an unpleasant responsibility or wait for its expiration, so that we no longer have to deal
with it. Procrastination destroys our dreams, delays our successes, and fills us with remorse
that leave us empty, and worse, even more afraid. Often, our fears grow out of all proportions,
so naturally increase over time, resulting in us becoming resigned, depressed and inactive. I
believe it comes down to this: life is uncertain and we human beings abhor uncertainty. So
often we fail to appreciate that uncertainty and fear are inevitable facts of life; but their positive
effects enable us the courage to take risks. Fears and uncertainty go hand in hand, and will
present themselves all the time, infuriating, on the one hand, and crucial on the other.
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These are the factors that keep us attentive; alert in our responsibilities, and not to take another
person for granted. Without appreciating the value of fear and uncertainty, their negative effect
will have us dreading what we have come to believe, and believing what we have some to
dread. For example, our innermost fears may cause us to believe we will never find true love
and happiness. Therefore, for the rest of our lives, we will remain unloved and alone. By
holding on to such a belief, we negate every relationship that comes our way because of that
belief. Consequently, over time we lose the courage to accept love and so our belief actualizes,
and that is exactly how we will remain, alone and unloved.
Time … is always of the essence. Yet, there are moments in time when there is simply not
enough of it to go around, and before we’ve had a chance to catch our breath, another day has
slipped away almost un-noticed; and the longer we procrastinate, we will find that there aren’t
enough minutes in the hour, or enough hours in the day to effectively address the issues of life;
because time has taken its toll and ticked away in cruel defiance of its wastage; thus closing the
window on our opportunities.
“Opportunity Only Knocks Once” could be viewed as an old cliché, or an attention-grabber for
a high profile sales pitch. However, over time I’ve come to realize that we are given
opportunities all the time, but with each prospect, we are to act quickly and resolutely, since
that particular option may never be presented again. I learned that heart-rending day that
opportunity only takes “right now” for an answer. Furthermore, that masking our lives with
fear is like painting a counterfeit over a masterpiece. How stupid is that? Since then “Carpe
diem” the Latin term for “seize the day” has been my persistent response. Many of us,
however, tend to forget that any time between sunrise and sunset is still day-time.
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Some of us strive to be the early bird that catches the first worm, while others become
discouraged because its way past teatime, and they haven’t yet initiated enough courage to
catch a glimpse. Think again... for even as the sun starts to sink, while there is still light…
there is still enough time for you to seize what the day has to offer. Make up your mind right
now that another day will not end with you holding on to the things of the past. It is time to
seize the present, today there are opportunities for you to grasp, whether early or late in the
day; grab it while you still can. Don’t procrastinate another day, there is far too much to lose,
and we have already lost more than enough. Go for it so that in time, Our time Will Tell.
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Chapter 10 ~ A Time To Refrain From Embracing
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By the time I got home I was in such a state of confusion, I had to explain what had happened
to Lee. After a period of silence which seemed like an eternity, he simply said, “I love you,
you must know that, but you have some thinking to do and a decision to make, and you are the
only one who can do both.” Over the succeeding days and weeks Carl never left my mind. I
wondered what our lives would have been like together. After a while, I realized I didn’t even
know how to contact him, in my haste to retreat from the emotional battle that was raging
inside of me, I’d left without asking him. Furthermore, it was evident that my indecision was
having an adverse effect on Lee. Taking everything into consideration I felt it was unrealistic
to attempt to turn back the hands of time. Time only moves forward, and as I travelled on in
that forward motion of my journey, life had taken me to a fork in the road. So, wherever that
road led, I would have to remain en route to its destination. The problem was that in the
seasons that followed it was difficult to free my mind and heart of my feelings for Carl: and it
took a great deal of self-determination to focus again on my relationship with Lee.
Our son Colin was born in 1965. We were now a family, but still unmarried; and a major
cause for concern to Nana Bea and my father. Dad stopped answering my letters for a while.
Nana Bea lost more weight fasting and praying for me, yet, I remained defiant to the Holy
Spirit’s leading. Oh believe me, He was convicting me, encouraging me, and covering me;
however, my heart was stone cold. I was living the kind of life I believed was right for me, and
the more I believed that lie from the pit of hell, the harder my heart became towards God.
To provide for us, Lee worked flat out. Employed by a company located miles from where we
lived, meant he was travelling two hours there and two hours back. He left at five-thirty in the
morning and rarely got home before eight each night.
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Often so tired, he would eat and go straight to bed, yet he never once complained. He saw
himself as the provider for his family, and that is exactly what he did. His long-term goal,
however, was to have his own business, which meant saving enough capital to get it establish.
With a child and a partner to care for, this dream seemed to be light-years away. To take some
of the pressure off him and on our finances, I found a minder for Colin when he was seven
months old, and returned to work. I wanted to train as a social worker, but simply couldn’t
afford the fees for college, so I got a job as a trainee nursery nurse in a mother and baby home,
where girls as young as twelve had their babies, to be placed for adoption. As you can imagine,
because of my abusive background, it was emotionally draining, to see the damage done to
such young lives, many of whom had been sexually abused by their own fathers.
I had only been there about six months when Lee came home one evening, and told me I was
pregnant. In absolute shocked surprise, I asked him how he could be sure. He looked at me
with the widest eyes, and said “morning sickness”. I knew then he was sure I was. I had never
experienced morning sickness, cramps or swelling; and had little or no labour pains when it
came time to giving birth. Lee, however, had symptoms such as nausea, weight gain, mood
swings, bloating, backache, swollen ankles and fingers and the weirdest cravings. A condition
our G.P. informed us was known as Couvade’s, or sympathetic pregnancy. Couvade’s
Syndrome is a phenomenon whereby the expectant father experiences somatic symptoms
during the pregnancy for which there is no recognised physiological basis.
Generally,
Couvades begins at the end of the first trimester and increases in severity until the third
trimester. The only known cure for Couvade’s is birth. I felt so bad for him, how could he
tell anyone at work that he needed to lie down because he was feeling queasy, or was indeed
suffering from morning sickness? Anyhow, he was about to suffer months of discomfort and
embarrassment, all over again!
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Our daughter Sophia-Marie was born the day before my twenty- first birthday in1967, much to
Lee’s physical comfort. Our baby girl was such a wonderful gift from God. We immediately
made plans to have a small wedding at the local Registry Office. To express that ours was not
a conventional wedding, is an understatement! Our witnesses were a couple going about their
business past the Registry Office, and our reception was on Peckham Common with our two
children, playing football, eating Kentucky chicken, and cheering each other with cans of coke.
We invited no family, no friends, had no pictures to recapture memories of the day, because we
simply could not afford it. Our decision as you can imagine did not go down well with either
family. Nevertheless, we were together and that’s what mattered. Or so we thought.
Our son and daughter completed our family…. We found a small two bedroom flat in
Dulwich, and decided not to have any more children, until we had both realized our goals, and
in a position to buy a house of our own. Well, those were the plans we made, but God had
other ideas. The writer of Proverbs warns us in (19:21),
“Many are the plans in a man’s
heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Afraid of taking even the slightest risk, I
religiously took my contraceptive pill, yet within months I was pregnant, and of course Lee
began experiencing the symptoms of Couvades, all over again. Already limited for space in
the flat, another child wasn't going to fit into the small room we used as a nursery. We really
needed a house, but had to consider the financial implications. Oh, but God graciously
intervened and supplied our needs, with a house which was well within our budget. It had
three bedrooms, lounge and dining room, a small-enclosed garden, a shop front, a small
kitchen upstairs, and a larger one downstairs leading into a basement area. It required a lot of
attention, but we accepted the challenge to create a home for our family. For extra income, we
sublet the shop front to a furniture maker, and turned the basement into a weekend leisure club.
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In a short while we had enough money saved for Lee to set up his own business, close to where
we lived. We were truly in the midst of a particularly blessed time of our lives, and we knew
it; so we did our best to savour every moment of it, because we also knew that the stresses of
life were far from over.
Whether we are aware of it or not, many of our decisions as parents are motivated and
determined by financial constraints. Having children is a huge responsibility and require a great
deal of self-sacrifice as parents. But, only in this sense, is there any semblance of a burden
involved.
Worldly ideals do not seem to place a high value on children. The Bible tells us
however: “Behold, children are a gift of the LORD; the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like
arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth. How blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them; they will not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in
the gate. Psalm 127:3-5. In these verses, the Psalmist portrays the blessing of children to be so
much greater than the burden of their care and upbringing. But, although we know God’s Word
is true when it tells us children are blessings, we sometimes find it hard to truly view our
children as such. But God has a different view - He calls our children “blessings”! They are
gifts from Him and should be seen as rewards! Most of my friends, however, were from
families with only two or three children; so when I became pregnant with our third child, Lee
and I were pressured by family and friends to stop having children. With questions such as:
How will you support so many children? How will you find time for them, and do a good job
of raising them? With no experience of how to raise a family, it was frightening! We really
had no clue how we were going to rise physically and mentally to such a challenge?
Nevertheless, you guessed it: our time will tell!
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We had ventured optimistically into the unknown, when we chose to have a home birth with
our third child. Breaking ground in the sixties, home births were seemingly an endeavour of
trial and error, but were noticeably becoming more acceptable, across female cultural
responses. The pregnancy was trouble free for me, but for Lee it was the most painful ordeal
ever, especially as I was three weeks overdue. Seeing him in so much discomfort I did
everything I could to induce labour. Yet in spite of the strenuous work making the house
habitable, clearing out tons of rubbish, up and down ladders, painting and fitting bedroom
units, our baby showed no signs of coming into this world any time soon. Like it or not, our
unborn child was already showing signs of a stubborn streak. The midwife arrived for my
routine checks each Tuesday afternoon. Everything was fine, except, I was unusually overdue,
and looking and feeling more and more like a full-grown hypo, while Lee was experiencing
such severe back pains, he could hardly straighten up. As I said goodbye that Tuesday
afternoon, the midwife offhandedly remarked, “You will have that baby before the end of the
week.”
So said, so done…. By Wednesday evening, I had gone into labour. Twenty-four
hours later I was still in labour, no pains, just in and out of stages in labour. Delighted to be
nearing the end of his somatic malady, Lee’s idea of comforting me in my time of travail was
to make a lamb stew, and thrust it under my nose. As my frustration increased the last thing, I
wanted to do was eat, and as I retorted by throwing a pillow at him, I promptly fell out of bed,
just at the point when our baby girl decided to come into the world. The midwife panicked,
imagining the worst, and ran to the telephone. And so it was that in 1968, Lee delivered our
baby daughter Nicolla-Mae. It was the sounds of our baby’s cry that got her running back to
the bedroom. Her face was a picture, and so was Lee’s. I believed he surprised himself more
than he surprised the midwife. Clearly relieved of his symptoms of Couvades he was free to
turn his attention to Obstetrics. Of course, the midwife promptly took over, and soon I was
comfortably tucked up in bed, my baby in a cradle by my side. I was exhausted, and happy it
was over, but guess what? I was so hungry!
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For all of us, “transitions” are the substance of everyday life.
However, I believe the
transition from being a couple to becoming parents is one of the most significant life
transformations we can experience. While we do expect our children to create more responsible
efforts on our part, the reality is like the difference between “watching a tornado in a film and
having one actually rip the roof off your house.” Noticeably, along with the joys of parenthood
come the trials. Few things can change our lives like the birth of children; because, this
transition to parenthood, along with the excitement, also creates multiple stresses as well.
Understandably each of our experiences of becoming parents is different. Whilst for some it
will be an easy transition, for others it creates many unexpected problems. Parenting is never
easy, no matter how much money we have or how well our little ones behave. Nicolla-Mae was
our third child, in three years. You would have thought that we had gotten used to the lack of
sleep, and general pandemonium by then, but no! The biggest problem by far was sleep
deprivation. We were exhausted, physically drained and emotionally raw; to the point where
even the smallest disagreements seemed colossal. Finding enough time for our baby, two
toddlers, to go to work, and we time … our lives seemed to have become an ongoing struggle.
There didn't seem to be enough hours in the day to find adequate time for our children, and
each other. By the time Lee came home from work each evening I was exhausted from caring
for home and children, and he was exhausted from working flat out to make a go of the
business. It was getting more and more difficult to keep the lines of communication open
between us, when we were both so worn out all the time; it took every shred of energy
remaining to prevent minor issues becoming major problems.
Following nearly ten months of pregnancy, and thirty-six hours in labour before Nicola-Mae's
arrival, the doctor and midwife had assured me there were no problems; she was a healthy little
girl. Overall, she was such a remarkable baby.
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She ate well, and was alert to everything around her, but I sensed that something wasn't quite
right. Our other two children had been born within two hours of contractions commencing.
They had no birthmarks, and no physical defects. Nicolla-Mae had web feet, and her little
body was covered in birthmarks.
Only ten days old, our first visit to the Paediatrician
enlightened us to a condition, we were totally unaware of, but which, confirmed my fears. We
were informed that the thirty-eight spots on her tiny body (which we thought were birth marks)
were, in fact, café-au-lait spots. (The spots are the colour of coffee with milk, hence their
name.) They can be anywhere on the body and sometimes increased in number as a child gets
older. One alone was not a cause for concern, but the Paediatrician advised us to have NicollaMae evaluated since there were so many covering her back, thighs, and especially those on the
side of her head that were larger than a half penny, since they could be a sign of
neurofibromatosis (a genetic disorder that can trigger abnormal cell growth of nerve tissues).
The evaluation would determine its type and the kind of monitoring and treatment needed, if
any. We should consult our G.P immediately if they started bleeding, or became infected. We
were shocked and bewildered, how could this be? How could such a simple thing as birthmarks
on our new-born baby be the cause of such daunting concerns? We left the clinic numbed, too
stunned to even speak, and travelled home weighed down with hopelessness.
I wondered why God would permit this to happen. Perhaps this was God's way of getting my
attention. I had learned in church (it seemed so long ago then) that every child of God would
go through periods of trials, pain, and suffering in this life. However, regardless of our age,
experience, or responsibilities, when we fall into various trials, God wants us to come to Him,
to seek His Will and direction, and to surrender our attempts to shoulder the burden in our own
strength. This requires faith. However, I didn't have any faith. I felt so far away from Him.
Meditating in my heart, I said “God, I give this all over to You; please take full control.
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Empower me with the strength to get through this.” I settled in my heart that day that I would
rekindle my faith, because I needed to feel secure in God’s love; I needed His nearness, and
His arms of protection around me and my family. From somewhere in the recesses of my
unfaithful mind I recalled this verse: “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the
evidence of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1) and almost immediately I felt a sense of peace,
and comfort flowed over me. When we had gotten over the initial shock, we talked it over and
decided to seek out a second opinion. All we hoped for was to find a doctor with experience in
the treatment of café-au-lait spots.
We waited for the hospital appointment, and several weeks after we had been alerted to our
daughter's condition, we were offered what seemed then like a ray of hope. The consultant that
saw her, explained that there were times when the marks could be removed surgically, and
since she was in no discomfort, we shouldn’t worry about surgery at that stage. We should
continue to monitor the spots, and maintain regular examinations at the clinic. The cloud had
lifted. The storm had passed, and we breathed a sigh of relief as we said our goodbyes to the
consultant that day. Little did we know that we were being given false hope or that those spots
would one day become cancerous and claim our daughter’s life.
There may be times when we feel alone and abandoned, but God will never forsake us; even
when we forsake Him. The Bible says each of us will have our faith tested. At such times
Jesus waits for us to ask Him into our lives to help, to strengthen, to comfort, and to heal. He
lovingly wraps His arms around us, young or old, good or bad. All who comes to Him with a
sincere and contrite heart are welcomed with open arms. As Paul reminds us in Romans 8:31:
“If God is for us, who can be against us?”
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He will always see us through the difficult times. Although the writer of Hebrews 12:11 advise
us: “Now, no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless,
afterwards, it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”
Not all trials are chastening. However, suffering helps to transform us into His image, and to
become more like Him in patience, gentleness, kindness, humility, compassion, forgiveness,
and obedience. The trials and the tests of life aren’t joyful, but when they are over, we find joy
in knowing the Lord truly loves us and as a loving Father. He helps us develop the qualities we
need to grow in faith. Because, walking in faith provides our strength and power.
All relationships change over time, but some life-altering events can have a major impact on a
couple's relationship. Time is such a wonderful gift for all of us. We need time for everything,
and there are even some moments when we complain about the lack of it. Especially when
raising children. The birth of our children and the process of becoming parents was a major
turning point in our relationship. Having our children so quickly meant key changes to our
lives; and by no stretch of the imagination were we prepared, for life to be altered so
drastically. We seemed to be focused especially on our youngest child’s health condition most
of the time. We had never for a moment thought that becoming parents would affect our lives
and relationship in the ways that it did. In the midst of trying to make a go of home life, and
our beautiful children, we begin to notice that something was clearly amiss in our relational
life. We were no longer tender with each other; but preferred to do things separately; or chose
to sleep rather than to be intimate. We had fallen in love so eagerly. At first, our love
flourished with ease. Romantic gestures came naturally. Nevertheless, within a few years our
day-to-day routine settled in and much of the time we forgot, or couldn't be bothered, to do the
things that would keep our love alive.
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The repetitive activities such as work and raising a family seemed to take their toll on our
relationship. Consequently, our romance was fading seemingly reduce in importance.
Naturally, over time we all change. Many of us are familiar with the ways our children change
through their physical growth and the development of their personality. We are, however, less
aware of the ways we adults change. These changes are less evident and so less acceptable. If
we were to think back five, ten or twenty years ago we would find our attitudes, our
expectations of life, our self-confidence and our interests have changed in many ways. Change
for us adults follow a more gradual process, but is still very significant, especially in a
marriage. As we change, the quality of our relationship will also change, if we don't work at
keeping the union alive and active. People sometimes complain during a counselling session
that their partner has changed. “Oh they’re not the person I met all those years ago!” No they're not. Chances are they have changed, just as much as you have. Lee and I had to face
the reality that we were changing, and becoming less connected to each another than we should
be. Fatigue, emotional involvement, the care of our children and the issues involve, diverging
activities and the need for mutual support contributed to our feelings of isolation, and dissent.
We were simply taking each other for granted. Indeed, our financial pressures grew along with
our household; so I returned to work full-time in a local hospital. Colin and Sophia-Marie
went to a nearby day nursery, and Nicolla-Mae was cared for by a local child minder. To
relieve one pressure, we had created another, because now with both of us working, we had far
less time for each other. No wonder our physical affection declined so significantly. We had
neglected “a time to embrace."
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To alleviate this imbalance, I gave up work, so I could spend more time at home. We realized
we had to reserve some time for ourselves, and make the effort to be especially understanding
and supportive of each other's needs. Purposely scheduling time just to talk, share feelings,
express concerns or simply get away for some “we” time. We were so busy trying to “make a
living” we forget to “make a life.” What good was the money we earned if we were not
enjoying it? Solomon reminds us in 3:13:“Every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good
of all his labour; it is the gift of God." When we started sharing our feelings, we were able to
make suitable adjustments to the ways we went about our home and work life. Our focus
changed from wanting to be supported to being supportive. We became closer, sustaining each
other with love and understanding. We reminded ourselves we had chosen to be a couple, just
as much as we had chosen to be parents. Don’t get me wrong it was hard work for us to invest
time and nurture into our relationship, but we realized that as we did, so we were also investing
time in our children's future. It was worth the effort, for the sheer enjoyment it brought back
into our lives. We shared everything, and openly expressed love and appreciation for each
other. As a result, we became freer to be with each other and to enjoy our children; as we
observed the changes reached at each “milestone” of development, knowing we were a part of
it, was so rewarding.
However, in our role as parents, we had neglected to be Godly examples, and failed to train our
children in the things of God. Consequently, we invested no spiritual deposits into their lives.
Unfortunately, so many of us have adopted the world's view on how we should raise our
children. To the point where we believe that being a responsible parent implies ensuring our
children attend the best schools, wear the latest designer clothes, have more electronic games
than the manufacturers can produce, and participate in copious after school and holiday
projects …
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Of course, all of those things are aimed at securing their futures, and at all costs, we believe it
is the sure-fire guarantee they will develop into successful adults. Yet, we leave out the most
important part of their upbringing; “spiritual grounding”. It’s not that we don't know how to
train our children, but we have absorbed so much of the world’s toxins, that we misguidedly
combine the world's values with God’s. We tell our children not to lie, or steal, to respect
people and property, yet we leave out the truth behind why those principles are essential for
them to follow. We rarely take the time to clarify the source of what we are teaching them.
Consequently, we confuse our children with mixed messages, set them up to fail, and wonder
why they have grown rebellious even before their adolescent development has peaked. The
home is the best place for a child to learn godly principles. It should be the place where we
create the right spiritual environment; so that our children will prosper and grow in the things
of God. Plants grown in a greenhouse need the right proportions of warmth; light, water and
nutrients in the soil to enable them to flourish, yet, for each plant those proportions will vary.
So it is with our children, each child has definite individual and exclusive needs, whether they
are emotional, physical, intellectual or spiritual, and it will take time to achieve the right
balance. As parents we have a unique position of influence over our children, and should do so
before the world does it for us.
Many parents like Lee and I are ambivalent when it comes to
raising children. We rave about their importance and would sacrifice even our lives for them.
However, concept and custom are very different issues. In our key choices for our children, we
reveal that our dedication to their spiritual values is only presupposed. I believe most parents
would echo the fact that it’s a constant struggle to find the right ways to effectively reach and
teach their children. Raising children is possibly one of the toughest responsibilities in the
world - and the one for which we are least prepared, or rewarded. It’s not only physically but
emotionally exhausting as well. Without a set of instructions, we have a duty placed before us
to do the best we can with the time and resources we have at our disposal.
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Then it would appear that whatever parenting methods we employ, sooner or later another
expert pops up out of nowhere to let us know we've been doing things the wrong way; and their
way is clearly, the tried and proven way. Parenting provides an inter mix of the greatest joys
and most intense challenges of life, but it can also be one of the most rewarding, when we learn
to look beyond the world's perspective and begin to see it from God’s.
God’s direction on
parenting has many component parts, none of which is more important than the spiritual
wellbeing of our children. Take a moment to evaluate the world we live in today, can there be
any pursuit more imperative than preparing our children for eternity? No parent would want
their children making the same mistakes they did, yet many of us fail to teach our children
spiritual values so that they understand how to resist the enticement of peer pressures, because
they have been prepared to make wise, and informed choices. Our children are growing up in a
culture of weakening character and ethics, yet, of our own choices we send them off to school
each day where there are more wanton perversions than in the time of Sodom, and more
violence and destruction than any war zone in the world today.
In my backslidden condition, I mistakenly believed that God gave us our children so that we
could help them grow. I subsequently found out. He gave us children to help us finish the
process of growing up ourselves! My heart aches as I reflect on my children being raised in a
home where God was not worshiped and revered; where the Word and prayer were at a
premium. Especially as Lee and I were both brought up to know and love the Lord. However,
as parents we were thoughtless about passing the knowledge and blessing of Jesus Christ on to
our children. Clearly, the reason for the difference between what we were taught and what we
communicated to our children is clear; we were so conditioned by worldly thinking that we
were no longer committed to a life in Christ nor aligned to the Word of God.
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We both knew Solomon’s advice in Proverbs 22: 6: “Train up a child in the way he should go,
and when he is old he will not depart from it.” And Paul’s exhortation in Ephesians 6:4b: “And
fathers (parents) … bring your children up in the training and admonition of the Lord," but
never considered their practical application. As a result of failing in our duties, our children
today remain outside of the kingdom of God; with a concept of the church simply as a place
intended for weddings, (for the ill-advised) christenings and funerals. And although they
believe there is a God, they do not believe enough to commit their lives to a saving knowledge
of His Son Jesus Christ; simply, because they were informed about God, but not sufficiently
trained in the things of God to be transformed by God. The fundamental responsibility in
bringing up children is to teach them the love of God, in thoughtful, patient, and loving ways.
We need to recapture the biblical imperative that parenting is a sacred calling in the
stewardship of a child's soul. Every child should be brought up in an environment where Bible
study and prayer in the home are the acceptable norms. Can there be a better time to train up a
child, than when they are young? Paul reminded Timothy that he had the privilege of the Holy
Scriptures “from infancy” (2 Tim 3:14-15). When we fail in our duties as parents to lead by
biblical examples, our children will undoubtedly be led astray by the unrestrained activities of
their peers, and misguided by the junk on the sixty-inch plasma screen in our living rooms. It's
no exaggeration to say that television is an established member of the family. It is seen and
heard and relied upon for information almost everywhere in the world. Consequently, shrewdly
and unrestrictedly making its presence felt in our lives. Children develop through their
interaction with the people and environment around them, and so are especially vulnerable to
the effects of television. It may be an effective tranquillizer for noisy or fretful Johnny and
Jean, but the temporary “peace” it brings can have permanent consequences, as children
acknowledge what is presented as being accurate and genuine. Television, as well as other
media forms, subtly but surely shapes our opinions and beliefs.
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Behind the characters actions and attitudes, there are underlying assumptions about life; that
communicates a loosely articulate world-view, which makes certain ways of thinking, and
certain aspects of reality prominent, and others absolute. Some are ignored while others are
made relative; and all of this is done without any thought for kingdom perspectives. The media
world of fact and fiction considers right and wrong in humanistic terms, never in terms of
God's kingdom and His love for the world. It defines freedom in material and political terms,
rather than as the liberty Christ gives from the dominion of sin and evil. It insists on knowing
only the natural world while ignoring the spiritual. Children are easily influenced, and their
ideas and beliefs about how the world operates are composed from the experiences they have
and the attitudes and activities they see around them. As a result, parents have the difficult task
of trying to keep children on the straight and narrow. That is why, when children are instructed
in the word of God, and spiritual principles are instilled in them while they are still young; they
are more likely to keep to the straight and narrow. The Bible states in 2 Kings 11: 21 & 12:2:
“Joash was seven years old when he began to reign. Joash did what was right in the eyes of the
Lord all the years Jehoiada the priest instructed him."
teaching in Proverbs 22:6.
These verses affirm Solomon’s
Children need to know both godly and social boundaries, and if
they are not instructed early on, in the direction they should take, it is far too late to alter their
course once they have reached the pre-pubescent age. This does not mean that they won’t go
astray as they get older - often they will, but if they have no basis for knowing right from
wrong, they are less likely to experience a personal inner conviction to always do the right
thing.
I really believe having a child is like buying a house on a mortgage. On signing the contract
we can move in and make it our home, usually with some struggle. However, for the next
twenty years or so, we are required to make regular payments.
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If we are irregular, or fail to make deposits, we are likely to lose the house. Likewise, when
God gives us a child, He requires regular deposits to be made “freely” from His Word into that
young life.
If we are irregular, or fail to make deposits, we are likely to lose the child. The
spiritual deposits our heavenly Father requires of earthly parents are to be made regularly into a
child’s life during their formative years, so that the Word of God can take root into their hearts,
and bear fruit in their adult lives. The millions of lost children all over the world, some
addicted to drugs or alcohol, others abuse their bodies in the most mind curdling ways, or are
themselves victims of abuse. Many attempt or succeed in suicide. More commit atrocious
crimes because they have no stake in society. Is it possible that the countless problems which
affect or overwhelm their young lives could be attributed to parents who either fell short or
were so irregular in making godly deposits they failed to meet the deficit at the expense of their
children?
We then read in1 Kings 15:1-3: “Abijah ... He committed all the sins his father had done
before him; his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God, as the heart of David his
forefather had been.” This verse challenge us to question: “are our children following in our
footsteps, and if so, where are those footsteps leading them?” Becoming a parent does not
come with a day by day at a glance instruction manual with directions for all the things we are
likely to encounter. Parenting is a difficult, time-consuming, responsibility, but it is also the
greatest mission in life. We are given this transitory care of an eternal being; and in order to
carry out this mission effectively we must rely on God's wisdom for the task. We cannot allow
the unsolicited advice offered by well-meaning friends and relatives; or the prescription based
parenting tools, which is merely a manufactured methodology, that can intensify the causative
factors of our success with raising godly children. Book stores and library shelves are full of
volumes dispensing pearls of wisdom from a host of varying perspectives.
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Most of those presentations providing advice on the problems of home, discipline, and raising
children, usually gives helpful information when it comes to analysing what's wrong. However,
their solutions on what to do about correcting the wrongs are usually blurred and ambiguous,
and there is a tendency to leap from one universal remedy to another.
Many Christian parents have no problems in discerning their social, domestic and personal life
purposes for their families. Nevertheless, God’s purposes are veiled from their understanding
to such an extent that they have difficulties in acknowledging His prime focus for having a
family in the first place. God has a plan for every family; therefore, we need to concentrate our
approach on God's wisdom to parent our children according to each child's aptitude,
personality and disposition. We can never quite reach our God-ordained objective until we
grasp His purpose for our stewardship as parents; since He is the source in achieving the goal.
When our children are born, we embark on a series of challenging events that will continue
from infancy to adulthood. We can’t expect everything to be perfect or have all the answers all
the time; but with God’s guiding word, we can achieve success. In football, the golden rule
is to keep your eye on the ball. I believe the golden rule that should apply to parenting is:
“Keep your eye on the Word", so that when our children have grown up, we can like
Solomon assert, “When I was a son with my father, he taught me, and said to me, “Let your
heart hold fast my words; keep my commandments, and live” Proverbs 4: 3-4. We all want our
children not just to be successful, but to be more successful that we are. Some parents even
want their children to redeem their failures, and their futures; and expect them to fulfil their
dreams, or to live out their fantasies... so they are given more than is necessary, in a selfish
attempt for their children to be the best, the brightest, the most successful, the most popular,
the most beautiful, etc....
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Consequently, when they fall short of the mark; when they turn out to be flawed, weak,
imperfect, impulsive, and needy people, I have often wondered how those parents feel about
that.
We are all aware that children need good parents, but we also need to be aware that they need
to see good examples in the home. Where else will they find an appropriate pattern for their
lives? We love them; we hurt for them, we work hard to provide for them, so let us also make
wise choices for them even more than we would for ourselves, and ensure their future is
established on God’s Word, instead of worldly self-consuming passions that will only leave
them fully fashioned by society. Either way, Our Time Will Tell!
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Chapter 11 ~ A Time To Get, And A Time To Lose
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Lee and I had to work hard at resolving our issues, our lives seemingly content in our love for
each other and our son and daughters. Everything was wonderful. Even so, wanderlust was
nagging away at me; I yearned for independence, an income of my own. I felt housebound,
trapped, confined to the same old, same old daily routines; thankful for all that I had, but still
felt life was somehow passing me by. I had been searching for happiness, a sense of belonging
and purpose, and believed I had found all three; and genuinely appreciated Lee’s devoted care
for us, but I desired so much more.
It is both a strength and weakness of human nature that we're never satisfied for long.
Whatever we have, most of us want more; much more. Our desire for more, however, can be a
positive thing. For example, we should always strive for better relationships with our spouse
and family. There is also nothing wrong with wanting a better career, that's more intellectually
challenging, emotionally rewarding, financially remunerative and socially significant.
However, to live and enjoy a quality of life, we need to find a healthy balance between wanting
more and appreciating enough. Regrettably, because of our humanness, it is not always
possible for us to realize that what we have is worthy of gratitude and appreciation, even as we
strive for more. Whether we realize it or not desire borne out of conscious need; propels much
of how we feel and therefore, what we do. This results in a haunting ache that is more than the
hunger for something more achievable; because our desires relate to our deep-seated need to
possess, to have, to own, to control, and so we yearn after possessions, accolades, and in a
sense even people. Many of us expect our desires will lead to fulfilment and achieving them
guarantees lasting happiness. Often though, when we acquire what we desire, we seldom attain
a lasting sense of fulfilment; since what we have obtained is not always as perfect as we had
idealized.
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Anxious for change my disposition screamed it so loudly that Lee half-heartedly agreed I could
return to work, so a few months later I began training as a nurse. In my vain imaginings, I
believed I should be more than just a wife and mother; clearly, that was a lie from the enemy,
but I believed it anyway. Studying really was a different kind of challenge; but even with the
added difficulties there was a strange sense of personal achievement.
Journeying on a new
direction in life I acquired more confidence, and an added awareness of who I wanted to
become, it changed the way I regarded my own sense of accomplishment; and uncovered from
deep within me a fresh energy, and a joy for life and living; but I was far from feeling complete
or even satisfied.
Did you know that not being satisfied doesn't have to be the same as being dissatisfied?
Dissatisfaction is a negative state of mind, in a perfect sense it's a form of melancholy. Thus, it
is important to find a comfortable place between satisfaction and dissatisfaction. That place can
be the state of contentment marked by true appreciation of what one has and the ability to
enjoy it. Sadly, I was so far from that place! My promise to rekindle my faith had been mere
lip service, since only a few short months later I had made and effected plans without a thought
for God’s will or purpose for my life. So it wasn't surprising that I quickly grasped I was
simply not cut out to be a nurse. Oh, the theory was fine in the classroom, but the practical, on
the ward training was another problem altogether. The sight of blood made me faint; bedpans
and bodily fluids made me heave, and even the notion of a human being in pain reduced me to
a quivering mess; but if I gave up, Lee would never let me hear the end of it… so I had to stick
with my commitment. The hardest part was admitting that I was labouring in vain.
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Have you ever started something, got a part of the way, and found you were so way off the
mark you needed to rethink your stance? In Psalm 127: 1, we read: “Unless the Lord builds
the house, they labour in vain who build it.” Prime features of this chapter are concentrated on
certain vital human concerns: accomplishment, security, and family. The writer challenges the
reader to examine these areas and recognize the One, who is in control of all three. In addition,
the need for utter reliance and trust in God in whatever we do is then emphasize. This applies
of course, to every area of our lives. Simply put, our accomplishments are to be prayerfully
discerned, and faithfully affirmed “not my will but God’s will be done in me." In this way, we
build our lives with God, because of God, and according to God’s plan for our lives.
Naturally, for many of us, our work is a major component of our lives. It is unavoidable, if we
are to keep the wolves from the door. However, work that crowds God to the edge, to the very
periphery of life is not God-given work. That is why the psalmist says that if we work in a way
that leaves God out, then our work “is in vain.” That kind of “work” is empty, useless, and
amounts to nothingness. When work, or our mastery of it, becomes our security then we have
entered into vanity. When we exclude God from our lives, we begin to look to false securities.
Nothing will bring us security, unless the Lord is in the centre of it.
I had wandered so far from God. I had forgotten how important it was to be in the centre of His
will, so everything I did was flawed. I had reduced my relationship with God to a quick prayer
once in a while, other times I simply relied on my own strength. How futile was that? Much
of the events of my life was clearly pointing me back to God, while others were luring me
further away from Him. Working in a busy hospital it wasn't long before I had acquired (and I
mean acquired in its most profound sense) new friends.
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They were a lively bunch that never stopped talking about the party, club or theatre they had
been to, or the party, club or theatre they were going to. Listening to them chatter on so
enthusiastically about their social whirl of activities, day after day, made me green with envy,
since clearly I was missing out on all the fun that life seemingly had to offer. It was hard to
remember when Lee and I had gone out, let alone had fun, any kind of fun. I longed for more,
so adding fun to the list didn't seem like a bad idea at the time. Soon, I was part of the “in
crowd” going wherever they went, struggling at times to keep up with their frenzied pace.
Each time I went out with my “so called” friends Lee refused to accompany me. I felt his
refusal was meant to make me feel guilty, so I ignored him; and as the weeks and months went
by, I was at a party or club most weekends, mitigating my conduct by telling myself and
anyone who dared to question me that I had worked hard in an environment I loathed, and
needed some excitement to balance out the week. The difficulty was I liked the fun and
laughter, but there were certain elements of my friend’s disposition that concerned me. I had
the odd drink now and again, but alcohol held no fascination for me. I had never experimented
with drugs, and I didn't sleep around, and those three vices seemed to be the norm, whenever
we went out. Still, I cheerfully colluded with their conduct, and willingly continued the
association. I was blindly courting disaster, living a life I should never have even explored, but
I continued going out with them because I needed to have “fun.” I had become distracted to
the point of dissatisfaction with my life. A wonderful marriage, a happy family life, and a
comfortable home were no longer enough. I wanted greener pastures, and in my search for it,
I’d gone from Glory to gory; from Grace to disgrace. Have you noticed that without God in
our lives, we tend to spiral downwards rapidly, but with God in our lives how quickly we
progress upwards? Had I been in a relationship with God, I would have discerned my choice
of friends as destructive and distance myself from the relationships. I knew it had to stop, there
was no doubt of that, but the question was, how to do so without hurting their feelings; after all
I worked with them every day.
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Rest assured, God always has a solution to every one of our problems!
One night as I was
dancing with a man I’d just met at a friend’s party, I suddenly became conscious of my
surroundings; the darkened room packed with so many people, there was almost no space to
breathe, let alone dance. I thought: “what on earth am I doing here?” In that instant, I
contemplated the reality of who I was by reason of my baptism. I was to be a light to the
world; but, in the darkness of that all-night party; it was evident that my light had gone out! I
stopped dancing, and thought: “what can I hope to find in this place?” The loud music,
flashing lights, people drinking, smoking, and high on drugs. I was in an environment which I
was allowing to define my life. Without saying goodbye to the others I made my way home.
As I walked the short distance to my home, I thought of my childhood search for a purpose,
and belonging, and realized that I had strayed far from finding it. I recognized, I was empty
inside, and no matter how much excitement I poured into that gaping cavity; it was not going
to be filled until I allowed God to fill it. You see we have a choice. We can progress, or
regress in our love for God; but when we make the right choice, God allows “U Turns” and
will progressively sanctify our walk with Him. Proverbs 4:23 advises: “Above all else, guard
your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” This verse lets us know that is our responsibility to
protect ourselves from people and things that would be destructive or prevent us from living
the abundant life. (John 10:10) When we open our hearts to people who are not being led by
God's Spirit, we become vulnerable to demonic attack. The enemy uses such friends to entice,
influence and control us. When that's the case, we have strayed away from God's command to
be led by His Spirit. (Romans 8:14)
Subsequently, if we associate long enough with such
friends, we eventually perfect their patterns of harmful and toxic behaviour. The apostle Paul
gives a stern caution about associating with those who walk in disobedience. In ll
Thessalonians 3:14-15 he writes: “Stay away from him, that he may be ashamed of himself.
Don't think of him as an enemy, but speak to him as you would to a brother who needs to be
warned.”
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Paul urges us in these verses to distance ourselves from disobedient people, but not with a
bitter or resentful attitude toward them. Friendships are vital on our journey through life.
Friendship is one of the great gifts of life. It is wonderful to meet someone and find that you
share common ground. Positive friendship can be some of the most enriching and life affirming
relationships we can ever enjoy; but there is a clear need to choose our friends carefully. Even
popular wisdom has it that, “You judge a man by his friends.” In this sense, it is essential to
maintain productive associations and recognize the destructive ones early enough to abandon
the relationship before it consumes and alters the focus and direction of our lives. Of all the
influences on our thinking, our interactions with others are probably the most significant.
Those who we communicate with regularly have a much greater authority over our perception
and feelings than many of us imagine.
However, how do we keep our friendships in
perspective? We all have a natural need for friends and with good reason. Friends enhance our
enjoyment of life and help to relieve our feelings of loneliness. They can even help reduce our
stress levels and improve our quality of life. Having good friends is uniquely valuable when we
are going through seasons of testing and trials; since at such times the support of faithful
friends can make all the difference. It is without doubt that in our seasons of transitions, we are
all affected by certain events or individuals who greatly alter our lives, but real friends do not
exert negative social influences or destructive behaviours on us. Friends do not bring us down
or make us feel bad about ourselves. We need friends around us who are able to reinforce our
strengths, not enhance our weaknesses. In the same way as we journey through the seasons of
life, we will encounter many different types of friendships, and each of them has their own
unique characteristics. Some will be fleeting, while others will last a lifetime. Some are based
on mutual experiences, while others are rooted more firmly on the people, we’ve grown up
with, and who've known us at the crucial stages of our lives. They know us as well as our
families and are often the most reassuring and enriching of all company, since they share a
history and therefore, a stronger bond with us.
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Then of course there will be times in our lives we befriend seemingly wonderful, caring
people, only to realize later that they were not worthy of our friendship at all.
The spirit of dissatisfaction had led me to form associations that were regrettable; but the
experience opened my eyes to the fact I needed to develop realistic expectations for my life, so
that I could contribute something of value to my family. However, you know what; to be
content our expectations need to be in line with reality. So often we champion the concept of
other people’s lives being so much better than our own, the grass being greener on the other
side. The question becomes; why can’t we stop comparing ourselves to others and simply ask
if we ourselves are satisfied with the way things are in our own lives and not in comparison to
someone else? It is certainly unrealistic to want something better without first knowing if it is
better; especially since most things aren’t really all that much better; but is simply packaged to
appear so. Come to think of it we really don’t need the packaging at all!
If you were honest with yourselves you would easily grasp that when you observe other
people’s lives, it is usually only for a while; and in that moment, you are observing their best
performance; naturally, you immediately form a good impression of them. What you’ve failed
to notice, is it is only a false impression, of how they really are, but because you like what you
see, you head into a relationship, then as you get better acquainted, you realize - whoa, this
person is really messed up. They have so many issues; issues about this, issues about that. They
are not alone, for naturally, We All Have Issues!!! We are none of us perfect. We all say and
do things we shouldn’t, and we all make mistakes. We all get angry at each other and we all
sometimes want to run away, or hide from the realities of life. However, we should try to
remember, our next relationship will also have problems, in fact, we will have new problems,
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and as a result we will have to find new ways of dealing with those problems. While it always
does seem like the grass is greener on the other side, just remember - when you get to the other
side, you just may want to come back to where you started from. Believe me, I did!
While, on the other hand, for some of us somewhere between childhood and adulthood we
learned that it’s safest to disguise our true desires, or at least to keep quiet about them. We
learn to disregard the “greener grass” we yearn for, and focus instead on whatever satisfaction
we have managed to find. We construct lives for ourselves where “busyness substitutes for
meaning, efficiency substitutes for creativity and a functional relationship substitutes for divine
love.” We may willingly edit our desires, but God never asks us to do so. He knows what we
may not yet understand. Our desires, our longing for something more, can actually direct our
hearts toward Him. In fact, Christianity has next to nothing to say to the person who feels
completely happy with the way things are. Its message is for those of us who hunger and thirst.
That is how we find a balance in our lives.
Can I ask you, what gift are you hoping for, wishing for, and longing for, right now? A mate; a
date; a better job; a long vacation; a financial windfall; peace of mind?
Chances are your
desires lay just beyond your divine ability to fulfil them. They may be just out of reach, but
they’re there. You see, God has a plan for your life, and if you’re seeking Him, He will direct
your search for your desires, and you will achieve them. After all, could it be that God is
preparing us to receive more of Him by frustrating us with less than we expected from life?
Could the hunger in our hearts today have less to do with the “greener grass” of marriage or a
family or an exciting career, or a vacation in the Bahamas, than it does with a desire for a
richer relationship with the true and living God?
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Everybody tries to fill his or her “gaps” with something. Maybe Like me, you’ve tried to fill
your gaps with work, overeating, excessive shopping, or searching for fun. Guess what? It
won’t work. Our restless hearts really were made to find their rest in Him. Nothing else
completely satisfies. The satisfaction of any other fix is only temporary. We don’t appreciate
what we have, but always seem to want more. We’re bored with the things that money can
buy; yet, we keep on shopping. It might be because … we’re tired of performing to please
others and dissatisfied with our accomplishments, even when others praise them. When we are
ready to give up the dash for greener grass and follow our Maker “further up and further in,”
only then will we be completely satisfied. In such seasons of life, we’re longing for something
more than we can obtain from the world or what we can acquire ourselves. Before God can
open our eyes to the beauty of His Son, He must dim our satisfaction with the things of this
world. When we try to make things happen for ourselves, often time’s failure comes because
we go ahead of God; the problem is that when we go so far ahead of God, we will stumble and
fall. With God, all things are possible and our results are favourable. Without God, all things
face impossible odds, and our results are unfavourable.
To everything there is a season: A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time
to cast away. This is naturally true, but so often we are not aware of it. There is a time for us to
get together with friends, but we are to be careful to choose the right friends. Our friends will
certainly influence us whether we realize it or not. That's the thing about friends - we learn
each other's ways.
At times, we even pick up each other’s habits, likes and dislikes. That's
why it's so important to have godly friends! We should choose friends who will enable our
walk with God; and for times of refreshing. Remembering our first responsibility is not to
ourselves, not to our friends, but to God.
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A godly friend will warn us when they see us going astray. A godly friend will love us enough
to point out our wrongdoing. A godly friend will be concerned about our walk with the Lord.
A godly friend will encourage us to be godly! 1Corinthians 15:33 explains it like this: “Do not
be deceived: Evil company corrupts good habits.” This is a clear warning that ungodly friends
can turn a good life bad. Ungodly friends can lead us down the wrong path! Ungodly friends
can influence us to do wrong! Ungodly friends can corrupt us! Ungodly friends will disable our
walk with God. That is why we need to understand the difference between godly and ungodly
friends, and whether it is a time to get or a time to lose the relationship.
A time to get is like a favourable wind propelling a ship. While a time to lose is like an
adverse wind driving a ship onto a rock, and we have no more power over it than a sailor has
over the ocean winds. A time to get is never more seasonal than when we are in affliction,
temptation, and tribulation, and what we get then is for our good and for God’s glory. In our
affliction, temptation and tribulation what we get believe it or not, comes directly from God's
own storehouse and treasury.
But there is also a time to lose, and what time is that?
It is a time for us to lose our fears, our
self-righteousness, our vain hopes, over confidence, and everything we thought so highly about
ourselves. In a time to lose, we are being stripped of all our imaginary goodness, our false
ideals, our pride and arrogance, our dissatisfactions, and malfunctions. In a time to lose, we
are stripped bare of our self-worth, and made aware that there is no getting except in the Lord's
time. This very truth enabled David to write: “My times are in Your hand.” (Psalm 31:15a).
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So often we forget our times are in God’s hands; and persecute ourselves, by regressing in our
wilful disobedience like children who cannot distinguish between a penny from a pound, or
who cannot determine a piece of gilt from a piece of gold. Well, in such a worthless state, we
don't know what to get or what to keep. Just as a child might keep something worthless, and
throw away something valuable. Have you kept worthless relationships and thrown away
useful ones? Then that’s behaving just like the child who through a lack of understanding is
unable to classify the value of the coins they hold… Regressing to a pubescent mind does not
allow for mature judgements. In order for us to be able to make positive decisions, we must
seek God, and rely on Him to compensate our growth; not only, as mature adults, but as mature
Christians… There is a time to keep what God has done for us, the things He has placed into
our hearts, and all He has made precious to our spirits. There is a time to keep those things
with a firm grasp, because it is our testimony to the unconditional love of God. It is a time to
keep, when the enemy is searching for an entrance, even the tiniest crack so that he can get in,
and then it is time to keep close to God. Surely, when it is known that thieves plan to rob a
bank that is the time to keep, by reinforcing its security, and making every effort to safeguard
it? So it is when the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy us in mind, body, and spirit that is
the time to keep him out by reinforcing our security with the Word.
Consequently, there is a time to cast away all that is worthless. To cast away what God has not
done, to keep true faith, and to cast away false faith, to keep true hope, and to cast away false
hope, to keep the love of God, and to cast away the love of the world, to keep hold of Christ’s
atoning blood, and to cast away a guilty conscience, to keep Christ's righteousness, and to cast
away all the filthy rags of our own self-righteousness.
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So there is a time to get and a time to lose, a time to keep and a time to cast away, and these
times are all in the Lord's hand. For every storm, we have had to endure; fragments of waste
and debris have been strewn across the landscape of our lives; so God gives us His divine
guidance in clearing away the clutter that mars the scenery. There is such a blessing in having
the spiritual discernment to know what to keep and what to cast away. It’s like when we move
from one house to another, we hardly know what to keep and what to throw away, what to take
and what to leave behind, but we know from sound judgement it is no use keeping anything
worthless. The choice is yours to make today, but know this; Our time Will Tell.
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Chapter 12 A Time To Rend, And a Time To Sew
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I wonder if like me, you find the writer of Ecclesiastes somewhat mystifying in his intention in
this chapter. Overall is he suggesting, “It's all out of our hands, live it up until we die?” Or was
his intention indicative of, “recognizing the wisdom in the cyclical nature of life. Move with it.
Refuse to waste time or energy fighting against it, so that we can accomplish something
fulfilling with our lives.” What do you think?
Clearly, those who cannot see that God’s hand is involved in all of life see life in the womb as
merely “potential” for life. However, God distinctly provided the breath of life to give
“purpose” to all facets of life. When God breathed life into Adam, He consequently, breathed
“His” life into all mankind. God not only provided life but also appointed the seasons of life
with purposeful intention. Our ethical response to the issues of life from conception to
conclusion is to be one that chooses and supports all life. God has determined and designed
that there be a time to be born and a time to die. Amazingly, of all God’s creation, humans are
the only ones that have to be ceremoniously brought into this world at birth; and ceremoniously
carried out of it at death.
When the verses of this chapter were first put to music, the song by the Byrds was called
“Turn, Turn, Turn.” Listening to it again recently it reminded me of an 1848 Shaker chorus
by Elder Joseph Brackett, called: “Simple Gifts”. “Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be
free, ' Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be, and when we find ourselves in the place
just right, “Twill be in the valley of love and delight. When true simplicity is gain'd, to bow
and to bend we shan't be asham'd, to turn, turn will be our delight, till by turning, turning, we
come round right”. http://www.americanmusicpreservation.Com /shakermusic4.htm
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The imagery in this chorus is one of living in complete harmony with the natural cycles of the
seasons, of being adaptable to the music of creation, dancing and turning in response to
invisible, inaudible prompts that gently lead us on the pathway to the completeness of Shalom;
nothing broken, nothing missing, absolute wholeness!
I had been nursing for two years and did well, much to Matron’s amazement. At this point, in
my training, I was given the option to choose a major for my final year. Renal Care seemed
the best option. The hours were more flexible, and it meant I could work primarily standing on
my feet, in contrast to constantly being picked up off the floor after a fainting spell. I would
now have more time for my family as well as my studies. Life was again wonderful, everything
seemingly falling into place, with an ease and convenience that at times seemed too good to be
true. Our children were growing rapidly, becoming more individualistic in their personalities.
Colin-Anthony, our eldest was as bright as a button, a natural comic that could make us laugh,
even if we didn't feel like laughing.
Sophia-Marie, our middle child was quiet and pensive,
the most serious of the three, would ask questions which we really had to take time considering
before we could answer. Nicolla-Mae, our youngest was a precocious little cherub, who got her
own way by showering us with love. With such wonderful children, how could I have ever
been dissatisfied with my life? Looking back now, I began to realize as God taught me,
through the study of Ecclesiastes, that seasons are just that - seasons. They are only there for a
definite period of time. Things will, and do change; but more importantly - seasons come
directly from His hand.
He begins them and He ends them. He allows the sorrow, and He
allows the joy. He has the utmost purposes for those seasons - namely His glory and my
transformation.
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So I am assured of the inescapable fact that God has me right where He wants me at any
particular time of my life, and that through each of my seasons He is in the process of
conforming me further into the image of His Son Jesus Christ.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: The rhythms of
life form a spirited beat, and in the ebb and flow of that process, God gives us our times of fullforce strength, or times of exhausted rest, and throughout it all, He gives us what we will need
to make us grow stronger and deeper in Him. Such fullness of life is carried through in this
universal tempo. As the Bible puts it: “He has made everything beautiful in its time; also, he
has put eternity into the human mind, yet in such a way that we cannot find out what God
has done from the beginning to the end” (Ecclesiastes 3:11). Be assured of this dynamic truth;
God puts all eternity into our minds but dispenses it unhurriedly, in a steadfast tempo, so that
we might absorb our season’s one at a time. This rhythmic tempo of human existence, is a
rhythm so ordered that we in our humanness sometimes cannot perceive it, yet we live in it either in harmony and acceptance, or denial and resistance. This is not a rhythm we control. It
has been ordained and directed by the divine hand of God … Which means that you, and I are
to be about life in all measures and all forms; from the cradle to the grave and all the in
between times of life. How we go about living life in all its measures makes the difference to
how our seasons flow in tune with the rhythm. There is meaning in these rhythms of day and
night, the sequence of the year, or the cycle of the seasons; they correspond to the regenerative
process that takes place in our spirits, and in everything around us. We are able to recognize
this rhythm of life because at some point, each of us has been brought to the rock and the hard
place by no end of twists and turns along our life's journey. We have known times of seeking
and of losing, times of hoping and of despairing, times of loving and times of hating; because
God has placed eternity in our minds and in our experiences.
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Let me remind you again … we need to be aware of the great rhythms of life; we need to
understand and acknowledge them, because the Good News of our Christian theology is, each
one of us will never cease existing as a conscious soul, and we will continue our journey to our
spiritual destiny. And knowing about the long rhythms will give us patience and forbearance,
and enable us to see the deeper processes of God’s divine purpose.
My own divine purpose as I had been taught it was to reflect the image of Christ here in the
earth. Given that fact I had submitted my life by way of the waters of baptism. Seasons later I
had forfeited my “Kingdom heritage” for “worldly desires.” The vows I had consciously made
in my seasons of testing and trials to return to God had long been forgotten. I made no attempts
to reconnect to the source of my life.
Instead, I began studying metaphysics, new-age
materials, transcendental meditations, and mantras, the tarot and runes. Of course as I studied
and practiced these demonic activities, I truly believed I was being drawn closer to God. Oh
the Devil is such a liar! However, the spirit I was entangled with was not the Holy Spirit. I
had discarded old habits, and promiscuous friends simply to follow a more poisonous interest;
which initially seemed pretty innocent until they took a hold of me. The new-age materials
seems interesting, but it is like a little tiger cub you take into your home; only to find later that
same tiny animal looking so much like a cute kitten will mature, and one day snarl and tear you
to pieces.
When Lee told me a few months later that we were expecting another child, I wasn't daunted in
the slightest. I had reached the point in my heightened awareness, where I received the
positives of life’s twists and turns, and regarded the negatives as simply aspects of life to be
lived, to the best of one’s ability.
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I would mantra out the old, and meditate in the new, and so felt I had learned how to be content
with my seasons of life, confident to be directed by my spirit guide. Six months into my
pregnancy I was transferred to night duty on Paediatrics. Constantly lifting patients in and out
of bed in Renal Care was “not complimentary to my condition,” as matron put it. Working in
the Intensive Care Unit, I was now caring for new-born babies; who, for the most part, knew
more about pain and suffering than many adults have had to endure in a lifetime. My season
had changed again. So close to Christmas the main wards were decorated with an enormous
tree, balloons, ribbon, and soft toys was everywhere. A beautiful sight maybe, festive surely,
but for some of those babies, it would be their first and last Christmas, since sadly many of
them who started, never continued on the journey of life.
In “ICU”, I experience the anguish that parents go through at the loss a child. Is there a human
being that has not asked at one time or another, “Why has this happened to me?” There may
be, but I doubt it. When things go well for us, we can victoriously proclaim, “God is good, all
the time!” Subsequently, when the bottom falls out for us, most of us struggle to believe that
God is anything but good. Even the most devout Christian is prone to wonder at such times if
God has simply forgotten to be gracious. In our excruciating pain, our hearts cry out “Why,
God, Why?” Yet few of us ever ask that question when something good happens. The
conclusion seems obvious: We assume good things should happen to us because we believe
that God is good. So we take God’s goodness for granted, so much so that we even fail to thank
Him for the good that has come our way: “Shall we receive the good at the hand of God, and
not receive the bad?” In all this Job did not sin with his lips. Job 2:10. However, when
tragedy occurs, we are quick to blame it on God. Even if we do not believe God caused the
tragedy, we complain because God did not withhold it from us. We conclude that God must
not be good, or He would have stopped the bad things from happening.
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With my off rota duty running over Christmas, I was to return to work on New Year’s Eve. I
was restless and nervous all day. I felt like the stormiest cloud was hanging over me. I tried to
sleep, and couldn't. I got up and played with the children for a while, but they seemed to get
bored with it because my heart really wasn't in the game. I rested as best I could, then started
getting ready for work. I had never known Colin to be clingy, yet he was holding on to me,
asking me not to go to work, but to read him a story. I decided to take a cab to work and spend
more time with him. He had fallen asleep by the time my cab came; but it was hard to leave,
and I did so wondering what on earth was wrong. I'd never seen him like that before. I was so
consumed by my feelings that at four in the morning, I signed off sick and returned home.
When I got through the front door, I heard Nicolla-Mae crying, I went to get her a drink from
the kitchen and took it to the bedroom.
As I opened the door all, I could see were white
flames all across the ceiling and down one side of the room. I screamed for Lee; who rushed to
me but seeing the extent of the fire, went outside to get in through the balcony door.
I ran
inside the room, as I did so the door slammed shut behind me. In the blackness that was smoke
and soot, I found Sophia and Nicolla, and tried to get out, but the door knob was already on
fire. Seven months pregnant, I knelt on the floor, and painfully worked my fingers underneath
the door, although only momentarily it seemed like an eternity before it finally opened. I
grabbed the girls and ran with them to the safety of the street, where my neighbours were
already beginning to gather.
I could hear the sirens in the distance, and knew help was on the way. As I ran back to the
room, the door was now ablaze, but the door closure was still working, and so the door had
shut again, screaming my son’s name; I heard him answer, and thanked God, he was still alive.
I grabbed the plant holder, and used it to push open the door, and wedged it in the opening, but
reopening the door caused the flames to surround me.
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I was in the centre of the fire, but I was so numb I felt nothing. I froze in horror for a moment
mesmerized by what was happening to me. I could see the flames around me, and more
coming towards me, looking like warriors, carrying shields and spears; frenzied in their hateful
offensive, as they sought to consume and destroy everything in their path. The fire fighters had
arrived, and instantly took me out of the room. I refused to go, because I could still hear my
son calling “come daddy come." The voice was coming from the far side of the room, which
meant he heard his father at the balcony door. Then the voice got weaker. The calling ceased,
and there was silence. In that instant, I knew my son was dead. The fire-fighters were more
insistent, I had to leave. They wrapped me in a blanket, and carried me outside the house. I
could hardly walk, burns to my face, hands, feet and upper body; the horrific disaster had
drained every ounce of strength from me. Willingly, I sank down onto the stretcher that carried
me to the waiting ambulance. The paramedics explained the girls had already been taken to the
local hospital. However, when I asked where Lee was, their faces were expressionless; they
had no clue. Where the energy came from, I don’t know, but as painful as it was I ran from the
ambulance back to the house. The firemen did not know Lee had been in the house. They
thought I was alone with the children. I explained that Lee had gone outside; and was trying to
get in from the balcony door in the garden. The firemen assured me there was no one in the
house, but they had not gone into the garden. I was taken back to the ambulance, but insisted
that they wait for news of my husband. In a few minutes, they were back carrying him, hurt
but alive; then it dawned on me, he did not know our son was dead. As the doors to the
ambulance closed, I looked back at the house, thick black smoke billowing from the roof and
windows. I thought “Oh God. Oh God, Oh God if only we could turn back the hands of time.”
Fighting back the tears stinging my eyes, I began to think about time, how ephemeral it is, and
yet so permanent.
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James tells us in chapter 4: 14b. “For what is your life? It is even a vapour that appears for a
little time then vanishes away.” O life is so precious, and still we waste so much of it. My
thoughts trailed to the times I needed to scold Colin, each time, I came away thinking “this
child is born for greatness.” He was such an adorable little boy, with a natural aptitude for
humour and persuasion. Whenever he was naughty, he would come up with the most incredible
excuses for what he had done. At times, his argument was so convincing, it left me wondering
if he needed to be scolded at all. He would make his point, while I would still be questioning if
I needed to revise mine. Now he was gone. If only there had been more time.
It is said: “When a parent dies, you lose your past; but when a child dies, you lose your
future” – Anonymous.
What future was there for him now? Yesterday, we were a complete
family, making plans to live out our dreams in the New Year. He was to start school in a
week’s time.
He had carefully chosen his school supplies, and his uniform with such
enthusiasm, and excitement, but time has ceased for his little life; making it necessary for a
home going service for our four-year-old son. A parent's duty is to look after their children and
meet all their needs. It is not in the normal course of things to be arranging your child's burial.
We were secure; our family and our world in order. Suddenly, everything was turned upside
down; our home and our lives in ruins, all in such a short span of time.
Have you ever noticed that whatever circumstance, we find ourselves in, there is always a
clock in a central position reminding us of the time? We are reminded of the time in church, at
the hospital, the bank, in school and college, the mall, railway stations, bus depots, at work, at
home, even in our cars. And the one that I can’t seem to get my head around is the garden
clock ...why? Human integration with time is unrelenting.
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We have the means to tell the time: on our wrists, on our bed-side tables, in the instrument
panels of our cars, and on every conceivable electronic device known to man. However, the
question we never ask ourselves is; are we really aware of time, and its significance for our
lives? Clocks everywhere tick tocking in synchronization; all sharing a commonality in
reminding us: “That time advances inexorably.” That there is no turning back with time, nor
can there be any turning back of time. There is only one action with Time.Com - Continuous
Onward Motion. Our journey of discovery through life is one of continuous onward motion.
It is our faculty for negative recollections that shackles us to the past, holding us in reverse
motion. The pains we dredge up, and take action on from past seasons of our lives; the tape we
play repeatedly in our minds, become the repetitive thought patterns that we allow to promote
who we are in the present, and so fail our futures. Out of the debris of hurts and heartaches of
the past we determine what life is to be like in the present. We cling on to our hurting
memories, denying the divine healing process that our Saviour so willing offers. And so we
journey through life with little or no expectation for future contentment. Never discarding the
deep-rooted baggage of our emotions, we commit to adding more to the already weighty load,
and then wonder why we feel so burdened, and weary all the time.
Everything in life has a beginning, middle, and an end. This makes it clear there is indeed a
time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven... A time to be born and a time
to die... Life's journey is full of beginnings and endings, meeting and parting; and the more we
love someone, the more painful the final parting. Our son was a gift from God, yet he was
snatched so tragically from us; that was not supposed to happen...as parents, we expected to see
him grow into adulthood. However, unforeseen circumstances had again taken an axe to our
family tree, and hacked off another young and tender shoot. A shoot whose life completed us,
had been torn from us, leaving behind a hollow and gaping hole.
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Alone in the ambulance, speeding its way to the hospital, on the morning of the 31st December
1970, I was praying, but deep within I was convinced God no longer existed, not in my life
anyway.. How could He exist and allow our son to die? Our son was not supposed to die before
his fifth birthday. The agony I was experiencing was the most intense I had ever known; it was
as if a vital organ had been ripped from my body, and I was left to function without it. I might
as well have died locked in that room with him. The torment was greater than my physical
pains; because the death of our son was for me the ultimate deprivation. I was consumed with
feelings of inadequacy and guilt. I had failed in protecting my son; somehow, I should have
found a way to get him out of that room. I should have found a way to stop my son from dying;
I was there, I should have done more.
Arriving at the hospital I was being stretchered from the ambulance to a room on the Burns
Unit. In such a state of shock and confusion, as I was being stretchered to the unit, I passed a
woman also being wheeled along by nurses. Oh my Lord I thought; she must be in such
agony. Instantly, my heart went out to her, and her family. I was feeling sorry for the woman,
thinking she was possible on her way to theatre, with the injuries she had, when I realized I
was looking at my own reflection in a mirrored wall.
Numbed and disorientated, I was not
aware of the full extent of my injuries. However, as I stared at my reflection in the mirror, I
could see that my head and face were covered with the melted residue of the ceiling tiles. The
thick black plastic covered my face, and around my mouth; my hair was covered with it, and in
some places it had burnt through to my scalp. My uniform was burnt, and stuck to my chest
and arms; the skin on my feet was burnt so badly it looked like I was wearing white ankle
socks. So anguished by what I was seeing, from deep inside came a scream; momentarily, one
scream turned to many until I became so hysterical I had to be sedated.
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While I slept, the mirrors were removed from the room I was in, but the clock was still there,
ticking away when I awoke. We'd arrived at the hospital shortly before six a.m., so I must
have been asleep for eighteen hours before I awoke at midnight to the sounds of fireworks, cars
honking, and the laughter and cheers of “Happy New Year” from people on the ward above,
and from the street below. Somehow, I didn't think so … for me, the dawn of this new day did
not bring happiness, in fact, quite the reverse.
Nineteen Seventy One would not be celebrated, with the usual family fervour of past years.
The end of one year and the start of another should be a time for happy reflections, but this
year our reflection would be focused on Colin-Anthony’s life and death, a strange combination;
with its juxtaposition of intensity and dismay with an overwhelming awareness of acute
personal misery. As I thought about those times of fun and laughter celebrating the dawn of
past New Year’s, the tears started to flow, and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I laid
there weeping uncontrollably, unaware that someone had entered the room, until I heard a
gentle voices say: “Be still my child, be still; the Lord is with you." …. Who cares, I thought?
Sister Florence a Catholic Nun, introduced herself, as one of the nurses who would be caring
for me during my stay in hospital. I started to respond, and although I was mouthing the
words, there was no sound. I cleared my throat and tried again; nothing, I simply could not
speak. Sister Florence immediately summoned the doctor. His opinion, since he could find
nothing physically wrong, was I had lost my voice due to severe shock. How long before it
returned, he could not determine.
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With a report like that added to the worst-case scenario of the past twenty-four hours, spiritual
comfort from someone wearing a habit was not what I desired; but my wounds were far too
raw, to reject Sister Florence’s loving care, as she tended to me, or sat quietly with me during
the night. As attentive as she was, I could see, she was constantly in prayer. That annoyed me
even more. To make matters worse, for every discomfort I suffered, Sister Florence would
speak words of encouragement, and solace. She would quote scriptures that should touch the
hardest heart. Her presence was peaceful and calming, her manner confident, yet gentle…. And
once I relaxed my reserves, I realized she reminded me so much of my Nana Bea.
My thoughts immediately went to my extended family and friends. I wondered if they knew
what had happened, and how they would respond to the news. As my thoughts continued to
swirl, for the first time in years, I remembered Carl with the most amazing emotions. Caught
up in the unrealistic moment I wondered what our lives would have been like had our
relationship continued, and then decided the reality was I was clutching at straws, in a
desperate attempt to make some sense of my loss, and the pains I felt, and just let it go.
I began thinking about the number of times I had been responsible for breaking the news to a
mother that her child had died, and how deeply her pain had affected me. Over the years as a
nurse I had often observed that when an adult loved one dies, we somehow react differently to
the news, than when a child dies. It would seem that the death of a child is such a heartwrenching episode we are more affected by its expressed sadness and dismay and visibly, more
painfully shaken by the event.
Such a devastating loss exacts emotional as well as physical
strain; on those immediately connected to the child; but so often, news of a family’s grief will
flow out into the community, and at times into the world.
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The loss of a child causes an overwhelming sense of the magnitude of death, and instils in our
hearts a sense that the pain will last forever, that the grief is etched into the very fibres of our
being. My thoughts then turned to my dad. He'd only ever seen pictures of his grandchildren.
He was still in prison with a few years to go before any likelihood of being released. I missed
him dreadfully, and needed him so much more.
As I thought of each family member, I had an
overwhelming desire for my mother’s presence. I needed her to hold me, to tell me everything
was going to be all right; that somehow we would be okay. However, I knew that was never
going to happen, and let that thought go too.
Waves of self-pity washed over me as I pondered the collective experiences of my life. The
heartaches and pains, rejection, loss, and wrong choices far outweighed love and laughter, joy
and happiness. When would my life balance out? Where was the “Peace that passeth all
understanding” in my life?
Why did I not experience life as “joy inexpressible and full of
glory”? What else could I expect to happen on this roller coaster journey called life?
I thought of Lee, and realized I didn't know where he or the girls were. I started to get out of
bed, but as my foot touched the floor the most agonizing pain shot through my entire body, and
I sank back onto the bed, then I remembered, how badly my feet were burnt. Sister Florence
was instantly beside me, asking me what I needed. To make her understand I touched my
wedding band, and patted my heart. “Your hubby is doing fine. He's right next- door." “I’ll
see if he’s awake and bring him in; you are not to get out of bed."
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As she left the room thoughts of my family flooded my mind again, my girls had never been
away from us for any length of time before, and I needed to see them, needed to reassure them,
hold them, and talk to them. The thought of not being able to speak made me angry … first
with myself, and then with God, for allowing this to happen to us. Hadn't I been through
enough already? Why didn't he do something to help, when I needed Him to? Anger boiled
inside of me, but I could not curse God. I feared Him too much to curse him. Through fleeting
bouts of clarity in the midst of my confusion and doubt, my thoughts ran between memories of
the love, I had for God as a child, and the feelings of distance I was now experiencing. From
deep inside came the knowing that God had not changed; but I had, that “He was the same
yesterday, today, and forever.”
Even realizing that truth did nothing to change my feelings of
anger at a God that allowed another of my children to die and then refuse to answer why? I
was ready to give up on God. How could a God, who is love, allow a beautiful little boy to die?
It made no sense to me. Did God really care about human suffering? Or was God after all
simply a name from the figment of human imagination? Why believe in a God of love if he
lets little children die? Either He is love or He is an impersonal Creator, who is indifferent
towards human suffering. I could see no point in loving or serving a God like that.
Fortunately, the God I doubted did exist, and He did care. He supplied my needs spiritually and
emotionally, right there in that hospital room, in the form of Sister Florence, who began caring
for me just hours after our son’s death. She administered health to my aching body, and
revived my spirit as she spoke words that came directly from the heart of God. “God hurts like
you hurt. He hurts with you, and he will heal your sorrow if you just turn it over to Him.”
Almost every night for a little over two weeks, Sister Florence would speak deliberately into
my life.
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Words, spoken in loving concern, and with such conviction, slowly pierced my rebellious,
angry heart. I eventually understood why God had placed such a pious woman at the cross
roads of my journey. I had wandered off the spiritual pathway by my uncontrollable desires. I
wanted more of what the world offered, and as far as I was concerned it was my right. I had
drifted away from my faith, into new world philosophies, intent on heightening my awareness.
I had abandoned the spiritual principles of life for false notions and superstitious practices,
believing this was God’s plan for my life. I had strayed away from all that was the truth into a
wilderness of heartaches and pain. Instead of drawing closer to God, I’d pushed him further
away at the loss of my son; and was ready to throw down what little faith I had left, without
considering the severity of the consequences.
Sister Florence’s words of inspiration brought me to a renewed point of understanding, a level
of knowing that put a new light on God; and for the second time in my life, I learned that in
grief, just as in fear, I could not see the whole picture, I saw only what I grieved or feared the
most. Slowly, I came to appreciate that God would carry us through our season of grief, all we
have to do is cry out to Him; and If God hurts like I hurt, then He understands my anguish. I
could love and serve a God like that. This remarkable revelation did not answer all my
questions; I still had no clue why a loving God would allow a fire to take the life of an innocent
child. However, I could rekindle my love for a God, who hurts with me; who wants to comfort
me, and in whom I can find healing and wholeness.
The death of a child is something no parent ever wants to think can happen. The common
course of life is that you are born, grow up, get married and have children.
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You then watch your children go through all those rites of passage and wait for the next
generation. The normal circle of life is not supposed to end with a child dying. Clearly, death
is no respecter of persons; it is an experience that touches every member of the human race. Its
sadness and its heartache transcend all cultures and beliefs; for there is both commonality and
individuality in the experience of death. Our son’s death meant coming to terms with shock,
numbness, emptiness and deep emotional anguish. Immediately, after his death, I found it
impossible to think about anything other than his life; I had to keep him alive in my mind for as
long as I could; even amidst, the crashing waterfall of pain that engulfed my every waking
moment... I needed to keep him in mind as a vibrant, happy little boy; filled with energy and
laughter; with so much to live for.
The grief caused by Colin’s death was not only painful but also extremely bewildering, without
him, we were off balance; out of sync. His short life was fixed permanently at the forefront of
our minds. Nothing could change the fact that he had been a vital part of our family, and the
void created by his death brought with it feelings of despair, that life was not worth living, and
a deepening sense of disorder and utter confusion. At times, our pain was so severe we were
uncertain how much more we could endure. We were forced to contend with an extremely
distressing paradox; in which we had to face both the grief caused by our son's death and our
intrinsic need to live our lives as fully functioning parents for our remaining daughters. We
needed to find the courage to go through our grief, so that we could effectively get on with our
lives as a family. But, grief is possibly the most overwhelming affliction we will encounter on
our journey of life; and there is nothing that can prepare us for its enormity or devastation. It
affects the mind, body, and spirit. It is a slow and painful process that is both exhausting and
demanding. And in the final analysis, it really never comes to an end; it simply changes in its
intensity and expression over time.
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There are no easy ways to deal with grief; there is no proper way to grieve, and no determined
period for its ensuing process. It just seems like life goes on in its seemingly establish design
while we grieving mortals experience life’s innumerable changes. Key to the process of
change, however, is acknowledging that because there has been a loss some things will never
be the same again. Our loved one is gone. And it is okay; perhaps even compulsory, to take
time to mourn our loss, to express our sadness, its severity and its impaction on our lives. Just
as it is okay, perhaps even soul cleansing, to find joy in every change that has come about
pursuant to our loss
Ecclesiastes reminds us, all of this is a part of life; that there are good
times and bad times; but God is with us in both the times of joy and the times of sorrow. As
this quote so aptly confirms: “I do not at all understand the mystery of grace--only that it meets
us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.” Anne Lamott - http:/ /thinkexist.
com/quotation/ I do not at all understand the mystery of grace/761218.html.
“To everything there is a season.” On our journey through life, there comes a time to rend,
and a time to sew. The rending of a garment was a common practice in the Old Testament;
marking the expression of grief, anguish, or dishonour. Such actions displayed an intensity of
emotion, and were associated with brokenness, humility and even repentance; relative to an act
of contrition of heart and spirit… We see a response to this action in Joel, who states: “Yet
even now, declares the Lord, return to me with all your hearts, and with fasting, weeping and
mourning; and rend your hearts and not your garments” Joel 2:12-13a. In other words, sorry
is not enough, external acts are inadequate, excuses can’t cut it. God wants us to seek Him in
Spirit and in truth. When we reconnect with God, we are stirred from within to rend our fleshly
ideals, our pride, selfishness, arrogance, rebellion, self-embellishments, and perverted desires.
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Which one of us would want to impress, yet, dress in filthy rags? The filthy rags; we wear
so proudly, gathered over the years from the impious threads of the world and woven into a
shrouded garment, yet, we seldom realize that these fleshy trappings are unable to clothe us in
righteousness. Consequently, the need arises to rend our connection with the world and its
toxic influences, which convince and corrupt our righteous desires. So often we fail to perceive
how inspired and affected we are by those pressures. Or, the fact that we have become so
caught up in a web of our own choosing; “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, the
lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father but is of the world.” l John 2: 16. In
our disobedience, we tend to forget that God is present in all things; and pervades all of
creation with His power. However, as we are brought back to the realization of who God is in
our lives and submit to the Holy Spirit, God is able to take our situation and turn it around to
our good, and for His glory. Then we can confidently affirm “We know that all things work
together for good to those who love the Lord”
When God turns us around, He rends our heart, sealing us with His own testimony. In that
union, Christ is made known, His love revealed to us, and we are inspired by the anointing of
our unity to celebrate His Coronation, as King on the throne of our hearts. Then as we continue
to surrender to Him daily, He is able to sew together the tattered vestiges of our lives. He
cleanses and repairs our filthy garments, eliminates the junk that characterizes our erroneous
thought patterns; and the garments that represent our earthly wisdom, our beliefs, and our
knowledge. Scripturally, the advice is we cannot put together a patchwork of beliefs and
understandings that is based on falsehood; for the truth is an unbroken cloth. Jesus said, “No
one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, for the patch will pull away from the
garment, making the tear worse” Matthew 9:16. This verse reminds us that we need to focus
on the truth of the Word of God. His truth is the only truth.
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We are not to add any other types of material to this truth. In fact, there is a law in the Old
Testament that says, “Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of materials” Leviticus 19:19.
In other words, we are not to combine the disciplines of the world to the disciplines of the
kingdom, in doing so we become confused, and find it hard to advance in the things of God.
Like any process of elimination, the time to rend must run its course before the time to sew
begins. When that time comes the heart broken by anxiety, sadness, loss and grief, is revived
and repaired. The jagged edges are brought together, and reunited. There is sweet communion
with our Saviour, who brings together each fragmented piece, piece by piece, and rearranges
them, so that by His workmanship, we become complete in Him. No longer fragmented
shreds, but sewn together, and made whole so that His image and glory will be revealed in us.
No longer like this stark portrayal in Isaiah: The whole head is sick, and the whole heart faints.
From the sole of the foot even to the head there is no soundness in it, but wounds and bruises
and putrefying sores. They have not been closed or bound up, or soothed with ointment" Isaiah
1:4-6. In Christ our shattered fragments are bound together and soothed with the palliative
balm of the Holy Spirit; who then guides us upward to the transcendent exquisiteness of the
kingdom of God, so that we become true reflections of Christ’s beauty; a beauty so allencompassing and eternal that it extends outward through us to embrace the brokenness of our
world.
Lying in that hospital room all I could do was listen to the words of comfort and love from
each visiting friend or family member and return to my thoughts when they had gone. Starting
with my childhood I thought about my life and how I had lived it.
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At times it was as though my thoughts were being projected on the wall before me like a movie
on a giant screen, and I was reviewing my past seasons in slow motion. I saw with clarity the
many mistakes, wrong choices, wrong turns, wrong desires, and wrong attitudes, each bearing
its own haunting reminder of failure, futility and frustration. I was a child of God, but I had
allowed the world’s influence to infiltrate my life. The enemy seeing the open door had come
in like a flood and appealed to my vanity, distorting my judgements, and I had accepted it so
readily as my own that I had reached the point where I was convinced I was headed in the right
direction. Only the signposts I was following were headed away from God. I was so far away
from Him that His destiny and purpose for my life had become perverted. Living apart from
God I had shut out His life-giving Spirit, and hardened my heart to His will and His word. In
my search for life, I had become lifeless, so focused on self-advancement, and what I wanted to
achieve. Now my heart was broken, and my life in shreds like a broken pot; what had it all
been for?
As I thought of a broken pot, Nana Bea’s favourite hymn came into my mind: “Have they own
way, Lord, have Thine own way, Thou art the Potter, I am the clay. Mould me and make me
after Thy will, while I am waiting, yielded and still.” The prophet Isaiah affirms the sentiments
in that old hymn when he declared: “But now, O Lord, thou art our father; we are the clay,
and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand” (Isaiah 64:8). Repeating the words
of that hymn over and over again in my mind, I came to realize it's never too late to change. It's
never too late because of God's grace. He can still reshape me, no matter the situation, if I just
let go and let God. My brokenness doesn't have to be the final word; rather, it can serve as a
new beginning. And what better place to start a new beginning than in a hospital room, where I
could do nothing else but be yielded and still.
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It’s like the story of Jeremiah when God sent him to the potter's house, it was there that he
understood with clarity God's message, as he watched the potter moulding clay into pots. With
renewed insight, he expresses an image of God as the Potter in Jeremiah 18:1-11. “The word
which came to Jeremiah from the Lord, saying, Arise and go down to the potter's house, and
there I will cause thee to hear my words. Then I went down to the potter's house, and behold,
he wrought a work on the wheels. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred (spoiled) in
the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to
make it” (18: 1 – 4).
The application of this image is in the context of God fashioning and refashioning His world
and all humanity. This was first portrayed in the creation story, when the world was formed as
God spoke it into existence. However, in the creation of the first human being, God revealed
Himself as the Master Potter, when He took the dust of the ground in His hands, formed Adam,
then breathed life into him and subsequently, all of mankind.
Paul continues the imagery in Romans 9, where he makes the point that the Creator can do
with us as he wishes. We learn from this metaphor that because God is the Potter, we are His
vessels. We are the clay. Physical beings yet supernaturally formed from the properties of the
earth, and when God was finished forming us, He lovingly placed us within the vastness of His
creation as living testimonies that would eternally reveal His creative power.
Have you ever seen potters at work? They place the wet clay on the wheel, and as the wheel
spins, they use their hands to masterfully shape the clay into vessels for use.
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However, no matter how experienced a potter is, it's not uncommon for defects to appear in
what has been moulded. Sometimes, there are stones or small pebbles in the clay and the potter
must work to remove these or the vessel will be spoilt. A useful vessel must be without stones,
pebbles, or other impurities, or it will be destroyed by the potter and remoulded, sometimes
again, and again. The key to reshaping a clay pot is to do so while the pot is still soft and
pliable, easily worked and formed. In this process, the potter has the power over the clay, and
can work the clay, and reshape it to a desired design without defects, before it gets too hard.
Jeremiah understood God’s power to reshape the nation of Israel in conformity to His desired
design and purposes. As such, you and I must grasp that God is still God; therefore, nothing
has changed since Jeremiah’s revelation. God still has the power to shape or reshape this
world, and all humanity. This analogy applies to each of us; in sin, we are in a blinded stupor,
and the effect has hardened our hearts until we neglect to see God's will and purposes clearly.
Unfortunately, we then fail to receive the blessings from knowing and experiencing Christ in
our lives. The miraculous thing about God’s love for us is that, even if we become like marred
pots, all is not lost; He is still there waiting at the wheel. Christ's brokenness on the Cross
means we don't have to remain broken all we have to do is submit our all to Him. God can still
take our hardened situation into his hands and begins to mould and shape us into vessels of
usefulness. This is God's grace to us at its very best. If we are truly honest with ourselves, we
can accept that there are times when we need to be broken in order to be able to see the power
of God at work in our lives. Sometimes we need the experience of being thrown back on the
potter’s wheel and reworked, if we are to recognize that there is a much greater creative power
in the world than our own selves. Isn’t it better to be returned to the wheel and be reshaped
over and over, rather than remain unformed and inevitably reduced to rubble?
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Back in Jeremiah's time when a clay pot was broken it was just left there. After a while, the
broken pieces became part of the foundation on which the next generation built. In the same
way, our brokenness serves as a foundation from which our lives can be rebuilt and our faith
re-established. Through our experiences of brokenness and restoration, we can become more
stable and definite in our walk with the Lord. There's no life so shattered that God can't
refashion and make it whole again. Even so, ultimately for us to be reshaped to the image, He
desires, we need to become more receptive to Him.
We need to be open to God's leading,
eager to release our grasp on sin. We need to be ready to change our thinking and our attitudes,
because right thinking, always bring about right actions. Then as we yield to God, He begins
the remoulding process that reshapes us into vessels of honour
Many things on our journey through life will shape us, our racial history as well as our cultural
values. Even our communities are powerful forces in shaping us. Our friends and enemies,
our loves and losses, our work and families, are also part of the shaping process. Then there
are those times when the formative influences of hardships and struggles, and the sorrows and
pains of life bends, and stretches us all out of shape. Jeremiah informs us in this passage that
when we experience those shapeless times, we are thrown back onto the wheel to be reshaped,
and restored as functional vessels. As human vessels we are flawed; we contain many defects
caused by our sins; that sometimes sneak up on us to the point of overtaking us, especially
when we are most vulnerable. However, because we are children of God, the master potter has
the power to refashion us, to work out our defects, making us more perfect in his image. On
the wheel is where the comfort of God can be felt in every influence of His transforming hand.
On the wheel is where we become conscious of the Creator’s grace as he changes us into
vessels of honour, useful for His service.
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I have found that the most amazing thing about being a broken vessel is that even one that is as
defective as I am; I am still part of God’s creation, and regeneration. In my flawed condition
God, the Master Potter places me back on the wheel and continues to remould and reshapes
me, and He will continue to work on me until every impurity has been purified, and I am made
complete; and renewed in life and worth. The hand of God is in all things that give us life and
form; therefore, we need to accept that as broken vessels we will be thrown back onto the
potter’s wheel to be reshaped and repaired.
God will not forsake us, regardless of our
condition. Out of love, God brings correction. Sometimes it is harsh, but it is always necessary
because we have wandered so far from his grace, and it sometimes takes an earth-shaking
experience to heal the backslidden. If you know you have distanced yourself from God, I urge
you to return to the Lord and allow him to mould and shape you into a vessel he can use.
Remember God is our Father, Matthew 7:11 “If ye then, being evil, know how to give good
gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things
to them that ask him?”
The wheel is the Holy Spirit in our lives, which enables us to build and maintain our
relationship with the Lord. He brings about the needed repairs in our lives. He is our helper and
our comforter and the more we depend on him, the better vessel we become in the hands of the
potter. God works through broken people, and broken situations, and provides hope and
renewal. In Christ, our lives are to be lived on the potter’s wheel, in the continuous process of
being reshaped. This means always searching for means of grace to be better vessels, better
parents, better spouses, better employees and employers, and therefore, better citizens of the
Kingdom of God.
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This is an aspect of “sanctification”; because, as we seek out and live among the shaping
influences of sanctifying grace, we are able to re-establish right relationships with family and
friends, bringing out the best in this generation, and securing the future of subsequent ones.
When we have been broken and reshaped, we are even more beautiful than we were before.
One image gives us hope, and the other reminds us of our failings. Together they represent the
wholeness of our experience on our journey through life, where we can either remain in our
broken state or be restored to wholeness. Many times we will come to a crossroads; there is a
right road and a wrong road. Which one will you choose when the time comes? The journey
continues, whichever road you travel, because, one way or another, Our Time will Tell!
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Chapter 13 A Time To Keep Silence, And A Time To Speak
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The Coroner’s Inquest on our son’s death had to be postponed until I was strong enough to
attend. Lee had already made the funeral arrangements, but our little boy could not be laid to
rest until after the inquest.
A few days after being discharged from the hospital, I sat
uncomfortably in an overly ornate Coroner's Courtroom and relived the last moments of
Colin's life. The ordeal took a while, since I had no other means to communicate than writing
down my answers to the Coroner’s questions. I still couldn't speak, even after five weeks of
regular therapy, my vocal cords, refused to respond to my brain. Evidently, I needed more
time to come to terms with my loss; and so I would remain silent a while longer. … When all
the evidence had been heard, the Coroner made his decision, then handed me the death
certificate. His verdict for the loss of our son’s life was - “Accidental Death.” And then it
was all over. Colin could now be buried, and somehow, Lee our daughters and I would have to
pick up the pieces and continue to live out the rest of our lives.
One of the most amazing personal encounters took place as we were making our way out of the
court. A young woman sadness etched on her young face, walked toward us, held my hand
and said “I know how you feel, but have faith in God.” Although somewhat surprised to
receive such an emotional display of empathy from someone, I had never met, I felt led to
communicate my appreciation by embracing her. As I did so both our tears started to flow, I
could feel her anguish, as she said “You still have two little girls, all mine are gone.” As we
walked along her husband told us the story. They were both at work when the police contacted
them with the news of their children’s death. Their child minder had left the children asleep in
the house, to go shopping. While she was out a fire started, and their two sons and a daughter
were killed… I thought how could a woman who had lost all three children so tragically still
remain so connected to God? How could she carry on from day to day after suffering such an
acute loss? …
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There were times when there was no consolation for my grief not even from Lee, who shared
the loss of our child, and was hurting possibly more than I was, but didn’t show it in the ways I
did. During those hopeless periods, I felt my family and friends who tried to comfort me had
no means of comprehending the vastness of my pain. How could they understand that all I felt,
all I could see, was the terrible loss I had suffered? And as far as I was concerned the world
around me had ceased to be. Nothing mattered but the loss of my child.
Seeing the grief-stricken face of the woman before me, thoughts swirling around inside my
head, I became conscious of the fact that God had again intervened in my life. He had allowed
me to meet Esmay and Frank Gentles; and had placed them on my pathway to help me come to
terms with my grief, just as they were coming to terms with theirs. In that single encounter,
God made me aware that faith is the key in times of pain and suffering. I could see with such
clarity God’s guidance and direction, even in the smallest details. I also realized that in all of
life’s traumas, the challenge is “to let go, and let God." Esmay’s approach to the death of her
children, and her courage to choose to walk by faith challenged me to believe in the power of
God, and taught me that God is the final authority over all the things of life.
Always remember that every time we hit a troublesome place. He is right there to help us find a
solution. When our problems are too big, it takes someone bigger than us to solve those
problems; although, much of the time when we need help the most, we simply tend to place
God on standby. Because of our deep wounds, and intense emotional condition, we are not
able to comprehend a God, who is in all things, and so we meander through life, blinded by our
pains.
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Pains at times so intense that we are often least able to experience God's loving presence, and
so diminish His influence; instead of wide-eyed and focused on God as our loving father. (Like
in the story of the return of the prodigal son; where his father runs to meet him, arms open
wide in forgiveness and reconciliation). We would receive such encouragement if we could
remember when we are suffering that God is personally familiar with grief; for, God is a God,
who knows suffering. He is a God, who grieves, and if God grieves, then we should expect to
do the same.
The pains of grief manifest in so many different ways because it is an internal response to an
external event - one that even our Lord experienced. Even though Jesus knew He was about to
call Lazarus from the grave, He still stood and wept with Mary and Martha over the loss of
their brother. John 11: 35 simply states: “Jesus wept.”
The emotional pain of grief is the
pain of the heart. This internal pain revolves around the experience of the loss of someone
precious. These feelings are extremely difficult to manage because they reflect an
accumulation of complex, and interrelated emotions such as fear and anger, resentment and
bitterness, panic and perplexity, guilt and longing. Yet no two person's grief experience is
exactly alike. Esmay and Frank made that very clear to me. The subjective experience of
grieving can be horrendous; but it can also be the starting point for a deeper, more meaningful
relationship with God; in which we find the courage to heal, and allow ourselves to be
transformed into a relationship with God, which will survive our season of grief, to express the
realities of our faith walk at a much deeper level; and where He can transform our desperation
into expectation.
There may be times in our lives when we weep without comfort. God has
entered into times like those before. He comes as well into our times of torment and fury. And
because God meets us at our point of need, there will ultimately be a time to be comforted, a
time to heal, and a time to progress onwards and upwards.
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However, there is a time to weep. It cannot be hurried, or sidestepped. For grief is inextricably
linked to our awareness of unfulfilled dreams, unrealized aspirations and unaccomplished
goals. So we need time to express our grief, but we also need to allow God time to comfort us
in our season of grief.
Still unable to speak Esmay encouraged me to begin a journal. As I recorded my thoughts and
feelings, I became aware I was going through changes, but I still had not reached the point of
re-committing my life to God. I would, however, study passages of the Bible each day.
Starting with Psalm one, I read continually until I reached Ecclesiastes chapter three, a passage
I knew very well. As I read that passage I was moved by the verse that states there is “A time to
keep silence, and a time to speak.” As I contemplated those words, I concluded that God had
a reason for my mute condition. Maybe, if He allowed me to speak, I would have argued and
complained to the point of blasphemy; considering what had gone on in my heart since Colin’s
death, the emotions I had encountered, hatred, anger, doubt and incredulity towards God.
Esmay and Frank came to see me a few days after their children’s funeral. During our visit, I
showed them the verse, and asked them to explain it. In our time of study and prayer, I learned
that when we face circumstances that seem impossible, unless God gives us a breakthrough,
instead of speaking dissatisfaction, fearfulness and despondency, we are to keep silent! I
learned that many times things happen in our lives we reason are unfair; however, during those
times we are to keep silent and wait on the Lord. If things aren't going the way, we want them
to, naturally our human conditioning causes us to murmur and complain and argue with God,
without realizing we are reducing God to our own level of understanding.
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Accordingly, we fail to acknowledge that God is Sovereign and sees and knows all things. So,
if we cannot confess who He is, or express our gratitude, then we are better off just keeping
silent! A time of silence enabled me to learn more about God’s divine intervention in our
lives. Powerless to speak, and unable to take part in conversations, I could concentrate on my
inner feelings alongside my external observations. Since Colin’s death, I had always thought
of my inability to speak as a punishment. In a sense, it possibly was, but as I studied God’s
Word, I discovered that there was more of an element of blessing about it.
This discovery
became even more real to me as Esmay and I read the story of Zachariah in Luke one, and his
enforced time of silence.
Zachariah was struck dumb pursuant to his lack of faith in God's
promise. In spite of being a priest, who had prayed for a child; his expectations of God’s
blessing were so diminished that when Gabriel appeared before him … he was not only startled
by his presence, but became sceptical about the message that Elizabeth his wife would bear a
son. The prophecy was met with such incredulity that God silenced him. “And now you will
be silent and not able to speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my
words, which will come true at their proper time” Luke 1:20.
It is easy to associate this story with “A Pregnant Silence.” This is a rather curious English
phrase which means the silence that comes before a speech, a silence as prevailing, as the calm
before a storm. Out of silence comes speech, just as out of the slow hidden nature that is
pregnancy, originates new life. Zechariah must have experienced this, the gathering power that
was to emerge with the birth of his son John the Baptist. Through the silence that was more a
gift than a curse, he learned to detect the deeper meaning of God’s benevolence. When the time
came, his speech returned. No doubt following his experience Zachariah’s faith was deepened.
His doubts dispelled, and his voice joyfully exercised in glorified communication with God.
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Communication with God is the basis of all life forms. Isaiah 55:12 enlightens us to the fact
that “the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will
clap their hands." This amazing picture that Isaiah portrays makes it clear that communication
with God is the key to our understanding of ourselves, and who God is. It is at the heart of
who we are as human beings created in the image of the God, who called all creation into
being. We were created to view life from an eternal perspective rather than an earthly one. Due
to our fallen nature however, when we are hard pressed, instinctively we defend ourselves; this
is natural to our flesh, but God has a better way. Silence! In the silence God wants to
communicate with us. He wants to let us know His plan for our lives. A time to keep silent is
a time for praise and Thanksgiving; a time to turn again to the promises of God, to remember
and draw upon the resources of faith, and the steadfast love God has shown in sending His Son
to the Cross. It is also a time to affirm God’s grace for our past, and mercies for each new day,
which gives us guidance for the future, and the ceaseless opportunities opened before us. With
such a hope for our future, we have nothing to argue about, and everything to keep silent about.
Remember Job, who had everything to keep silent about but refused to believe the ways in
which he suffered was fair. Let’s face it in one day his ten children died. He lost all his
servants, sheep, oxen and camels. His body is covered with painful ulcers, and he is reduced to
a life of anguish, made more grievous by his heartbroken wife. (So often we forget that
although she was spared ill health as a wife, she shared in the loss of family and possessions
right along with her husband). Naturally, he became defensive. He not only argued with his
three opinionated companions but challenged God to a face-to-face! Way to go Job!
As I
studied his story again I imagine Job angered and distraught by the loss of his children, and all
his earthly possessions, demanding to see God there and then; Mono a mono with God - to
argue his situation. (That’s human nature).
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The notion, in itself, however, is quite startling, since the demand is made in the context of a
faith, which confesses that no one can see God and live. But, anger, fear and pride can make
us do some regrettable things. Job loved God, but he did not fully know God, if he had he
would not have persisted with his argument. However, Job persisted anyway. “I desire to
speak to the Almighty and to argue my case with God” Job 13: 3. Job knew that he was just
and upright. We know it too, having seen God declare it in the first verse of the story. So to
Job’s repeated argument, God asks:
“Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct
him? Let him who accuses God answer him!” Then Job answered the Lord: “I am unworthy.
How can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth. I spoke once, but I have no answer
twice, but I will say no more.” Job 40: 1 - 5.
The impact of God’s question is clear: Job must
relinquish the notion that the creature can define the Creator, or can instruct God on matters of
justice and sovereign control. For this concept reduces God to nothing more than the dispenser
of reward and punishment based on the human belief of what is good and evil. God's ways are
not our ways. God's justice is not reducible to our concept of it. Job was innocent, but his
attitude was a result of acute grief and zealous pride. He pressed his innocence, and his loss at
the expense of God's complicity. He was blinkered to the other factors at work in his situation.
There was more than his integrity at stake. Job had to learn that he could not abandon God to
justify himself. It took a while for Job to accept that God was in total control. However, when
he became silent, God revealed Himself to him in an amazingly powerful way, and blessed his
latter end so much greater than his former.
Arguing with God is futile, we may as well argue with ourselves. It is far better to keep silent
and patiently wait on Him. As I learned to be patient and wait on God, I became thankful for
my weeks of silence.
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I developed a better attitude, focused on thankfulness instead of complaints. Instead of a curse,
I had been given the blessing of time to re-evaluate my being, and as I did so, God transformed
my life, and the lives of my family.
How often have you longed to be alone? Just for some time to soothe the whirlpool in your
mind and simply relax?
In this frenzied world, wouldn’t you appreciate a time of silence?
Silence is needed for renewal, and restoration. Silence is a great healer. In silence, we let God
in on our problems, as we contemplate Him in worship and adoration. In silence we can take a
step back, to find the way forward. Whether we realize it or not, as we journey through life,
we constantly search for silence, and order. Some have searched so deeply that they have
committed themselves to a vocation of immense love for God, in a disciplined life of silence.
Monastic orders such as the Trappists, the Cistercians, and Benedictine Monks, have learned
how to conduct themselves in silence and to benefit from its spiritual wellspring. What do the
rest of us know about silence? We are totally time oriented; we can’t even spare a moment of
silence before God. Instead, our response to God is so narrow, so casual sometimes. He ought
to be at the centre of our lives, but He usually is not. We hustle and bustle through each day for
this reason or that scheme, but do we make time for God, Hardly? I don't know about you,
but I need to be with Him often. I need His abiding presence. I need His direction. I need His
constant protection. I need His power. I need His revelations on how to live from one day to
the next. Does His example show in my life and attitudes? Truthfully, not always; every day
of my life I struggle to kill my flesh and maintain the power of the Spirit! Then, each day as I
give God authority over my life, he gives me the strength to: “Press towards the goal for the
prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” Philippians 3: 14.
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You see, as we daily give God authority over our lives, we give Him permission to transform,
and reconstruct us by His Spirit from the inside out. In given Him authority a significant
exchange takes place; as He, in turn, gives us authority to walk in newness of life. The mind is
renewed; the old self is eliminated, and replaced with a new spirit, and we are transformed to
the image of Christ. The old has gone, the new has come; simply put: we give Him death and
He gives us life. God wants to be more than a momentary episode in our lives. He wants to be
the permanent quality. In our permanence of heart, mind and spirit, He imputes His virtue in
us. He gives us life for death, beauty for ashes, health for sickness, joy for grief, peace for
strife, love for hate, until we prosper, even as our souls prosper.
Jesus tells us in John 10:10:
“I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly” The
abundant life comes only when we allow the Holy Spirit to transform us. Then we will receive
all that God promises.
God was working in me, making changes that became evident to my family and others around
me. As I held His hand, he filled me with peace, and reconditioned my grieving heart and
abused body. Isaiah declares: “Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall
ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert” Isaiah 43:19.
St. Peter Julian Eymard’s encouraging quote simply states: “Hold God's hand on the road of
life." http://www.thereligionnetwork.com. To hold on to God’s hands suggests that we are
not only under His watchful care but also that we are guarded and protected by His wondrous
power.
Reference to the hand of God and His divine assistance is evidenced repeatedly in the
Scriptures.
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His powerful hands created the universe, and yet are gentle enough to bless His children. We
all need to grasp that our lives are sustained in the strength of an Almighty God. We can and
must trust in His ability to change our circumstances, as we hold His hand. When we absorb
these truths, we are able to give ourselves freely to Him, and as we do so, our burdens are lifted
and our hearts consoled. With our hand in His, we will feel His sustaining presence lift us to
heights unattainable alone. If we truly understand who we are in Him, then we will understand,
He is our unfailing source of hope and comfort. Trust in the Lord is vital, no matter how
challenging our circumstance. Our peace of mind, our assurance of answers to vexing
problems, and our ultimate joy depends upon our trust in our Heavenly Father.
On our journey of life, we can never complete “the race that is set before us” without placing
our hand in the Lord's. When we connect with the Author of Peace and His redeeming love,
then we can experience the reality of the promise in Isaiah 41:13: “For I am the Lord, your
God, who takes hold of your right hand, and says to you, do not fear; I will help you.” When
we become conscious of who God is, we receive a measure of solace that enables a better
understanding of grief. He gives us the fortitude to see beyond our sorrow so that we are able
to understand that grief is a natural, although painful emotional response to our loss. It is as
though we have been journeying along a pathway that led to a river of anguish. Some people
seem able to navigate their way across the murky waters of grief with comparative ease. It is
as though they are fortunate enough to be able to wade through the driven waters and only get
their feet wet. While the rest of us will only take one step and instantly find ourselves
swamped, and breathless; caught up emotionally in the under currents that overpowers our
strength and sweep us away with the swirling rapids. But God is an on-time God.
In the
midst of our struggle to stay afloat, He rescues us; and even as we are going down for the last
time, He throws us a lifeline.
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The Psalmist writes in: Psalm 81:7: “In your distress you called, and I rescued you. I answered
you out of a thundercloud; I tested you at the waters of Meribah. Selah.” God provides a way
out so that we can gain strength. Even in the midst of the waters of grief we have the blessed
assurance that we are not expected to succeed in our own ability. When we start sinking, we
have only to call for help and God moderates the intensity of the trial long enough for us to get
a firm foothold. Trials always look like impossible situations when we try to manage them
with our human senses, and so true to form, they begin to overwhelm us, and become out of
control. Our faith and trust weaken, and we begin to sink. However, when we call for help and
God comes to our rescue, all is calm. At times as we continue the journey, the wind and the
waves whip up again, and we start to go down. Again if we call for help, He comes to rescue
us out of our particular difficulty. “From six calamities he will rescue you; in seven, no harm
will befall you” Job 5: 19. God will come to our rescue time and time again; all we have to do
is call on His name. The problem is most of us drag our feet until the situation becomes
intolerable, before calling out to God.
Think about these scenarios for a moment. If an appliance breaks down in our home, we
immediately call a repairman. If we have an accident we quickly call for medical assistance.
If a fire breaks out in our home, we straight away call the fire service. However, when the
storms of life whip around us like a cyclone, when we are pressured on every side until we
don’t know which way to turn; when we are so out of our depth, and sinking fast, we still want
to fix it ourselves… How brainless is that?
Every trial we encounter, every test we have to
endure on our journey through life are situation lessons that we are to learn from. The problem
is most of us are never able to learn from them. If we did, we would know instinctively to call
on God, I mean long before the problems becomes excruciating, and we have reached the point
of implosion.
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Storms are a frightening phenomenon. Our private storms can be even more so. Most of the
time life tends to ebb and flow with a modicum of peace as we go through our daily routines.
Other times we find ourselves in the midst of a full-blown storm that threatens to overwhelm
us by the winds and the waves that thrash us about. We feel abandoned, hopelessly lost, and at
the point of drowning. Still, we forget God wants to deliver us. That is so sad.
Like David, we may sometimes feel swamped by disagreeable situations. In spite of the trouble
around us, we can still reach out to God in faith. In Psalm 57: 1, David cries out to God when
he found his situation insurmountable: “In you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the
shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.” This verse teaches us how to call on God
in times of trouble. To take refuge in Him, until the harsh conditions ceases. “I cry out to God
Most High, to God, who fulfils His purpose for me. He sends from heaven and saves me” (vv. 2
-3).
David reveals to us in these verses that he was confident to rest securely under the
shadow of God’s wings. He was in no doubt God would protect him. Even though the storms
of destruction were on every side, he trusted God to rescue him.
This is extreme faith in
operation, and it is the crux of our spiritual journey.
God has promised He will save us, right there in the midst of what we are experiencing. The
error judgement we make is to go down and keep going down; knowing we are sinking, yet
refusing to shout for help. God’s unalterable plan is to bring glory to himself by responding to
the cries of His children.
The difficulty for many of us is we are trying to understand God,
like we try to understand the manual for the HD ready wall mounted television, and because
we haven't studied the manufacturer’s manual enough we grab the remote and hope beyond
hope that a few clicks will do the trick. We can’t operate God with a remote control.
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When trying to understand God it is beneficial for us to keep in mind not just our own
limitations and comprehension, but how unlimited God is in His. God has been, and always
will be willing to rescue us. He is so committed to it. The theme flows throughout the
Scripture. We are the ones who cannot be convinced of God's power to rescue, despite our
distress. This attitude of course has profound implications on God's rescue operation. If we
want to be rescued, God requires our faithful participation. Faithful participation is like an
electric plug in a socket. We are connected, attached, in direct association with God. Saturated
in His Word; committed in prayer and worship, and fully persuaded of His divine intervention.
Paul writes to Timothy: “For I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able
to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.” ll Timothy 1: 12. The hymn to that verse
had been one of my favourites since I was a child. Whenever I am down that song has lifted
me to the greatest heights... It convinces me that when facing times of sadness, He will rescue
us because of his loving faithfulness, and because of what we have committed to Him. Even in
the midst of turmoil and confusion let praises pour forth from our hearts toward heaven; for our
committed praise and worship is the key to victory. As we praise and worship God, we will
find our faith being renewed, our confidence restored, and our mountains turned to molehills in
miraculous ways.
With a different attitude of heart, mind and spirit, I attended our son’s funeral.
Through
Esmay and Frank, God had prepared me for the reality of the funeral experience, and the
mental and physical suffering that was still to come. Lee true to his faith had scheduled the
service to be held in the local Catholic Church. As I watched my family gingerly making their
way to the pews, I felt uneasy.
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I looked to see where Nana Bea was and hoped she wouldn't break out in tongues, and give a
work of knowledge right there in the middle of the service. The thought of her standing and
suddenly giving a word, made me smile inside.
After a while, the smell of the incense was
beginning to get to me. To numb my emotional state I relied on my imagination. I thought of
anything and everything other than what was taking place.
Unable to look at the tiny white
casket containing our son’s body, I stared straight ahead at the Canonical images and pictures.
I could hear the priest, but I couldn’t tell what he said, my thoughts had taken over. I wanted to
leave, but if I did that, others would follow to see what was wrong with me, so I sat lost in
thought. I thought “the service was only half way, and I had already felt uneasy and now
queasy.” That made me want to laugh out loud; something I had not done for a while, I may
have forgotten how, so I’ll have to practice that at a later date. I suddenly realized I was sitting
and the rest of the congregation was standing. I must have really wandered off in thought,
because the service was over, and it was time to leave for the cemetery….
I nodded my acceptance to friends and well-wishers, as we made our way to the cars. Still
unable to speak, I listened and observed the people around me. It was amazing, like peering
over a fence into someone else’s yard, and seeing some thing's familiar, and some things
strange. I thought “you really don’t get to know a person until you see how they behave at a
funeral…
The graveside service was excruciating. Anguish welled up inside of me, and tears flowed as I
watched the attendants lower the tiny casket into the gaping hole that was to be our son’s final
resting place, and listened as the Priest recited the words “ashes to ashes, dust to dust."
wasn't my little boy any more. He had returned to the dust from which he came.
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He
I thought of what death meant in terms of faith and worship, and even how I had disregarded
God. Then it was over. The comforting words and the mourners were gone, and Lee and I
were left alone with the burden of our grief and sorrow as we stood by that little grave, and
covered it with the many floral tributes we had received from family and friends. We stayed
there for ages, not speaking; just holding each other, and weeping. It was time to go; the others
had all gone on to the hall for refreshments. I just wanted to go home; only we had no home to
go to. With no home of our own, we were staying with some precious friends, who lived quite
close to where we once had a home. Yet, as close as we were I had not been able to even go
past it. Lee had been there several times, but I couldn't face it. It was something I knew I
needed to do, especially as I was due to have our baby, and needed the rest of our things that
had not been burnt or looted. While we drove to the hall, I felt a throbbing sensation in my
throat, which slowly moved down my chest and on into my stomach. Oh my Lord I thought
what on earth is this now?
Suddenly, the sensation turned to radiating warmth. We were
almost at the hall, when I touched Lee and said “Home, I want go home now.”
Frightened
almost out of his wits, he slammed on the breaks, and asked, “What did you say”? I repeated,
“Home now.” As we drove to our house, words began to flow out of me. Not full sentences,
just words. But it was enough for me to realize my healing had come….
God is always hidden in our difficulties. He was certainly hidden in mine. He was hidden in the
fire, and in the death of our son. In our grief as a family, and in my time of speechlessness, in
our homelessness, and right there in the finality of our son’s home going service. He is hidden
in all of our circumstances, and if we can find Him in those difficulties we endure through our
lives, we will never lose Him. Without difficulties, we do not get a chance to know the power
or His love.
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However, with each setback, each heartache, each distressing moment, little by little we come
to know the power of His grace and mercy, and the incredible destiny, He has ordained for us.
What we have to do is to be patient with our failures. God will allow us to recover if we miss
the mark, or fail in our assignment; for God is a God of second chance blessings. No matter
where we are on our life’s journey right now, messed up, tangled up, caught up in the enemy’s
web, backslidden in our faith. All we need to do is to take a single step towards God, and He
will turn our situation around.
To encounter the winds and the waves of the storms of difficulties is not a sign of defeat. It is
training in the art of living, which develops the ability of yielding to God's action and believing
in His love no matter what happens. Instead of being overwhelmed by disaster, we should be
overwhelmed by the magnitude of God’s power. We should appreciate that we have a Father,
who has no limitations in His relationship with us. He is concerned for our welfare, every
issue that affects us is important to Him; and He is always there for us even though at times it
may appear to be otherwise. We have a loving Father - He loves us on the basis of who we
are, not on the basis, of how we perform. He desires the very best for each of our lives,
according to His will and wisdom.
He wants to impart in us those things that will shape us
spiritually and strengthen our relationship with Him, and with those around us. Even though
we may be bombarded by troubles, our heart needs to be resolute on the Lord; to trust in Him
and not allow our faith to waver. As we stand securely in the Lord, we will find that He will
do a new thing in our lives by administering His love and His faithfulness unreservedly.
Nevertheless, if we want God to do a new thing in our lives, we need to challenge our negative
beliefs, and our doubts and fears.
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God wants to heal what is broken in our lives, the damage that family, friends, and the enemy
has inflicted on us. However, we have to allow Him. We have to ask Him to heal us, to prosper
us in health and to prosper our souls. When we do, He does a new thing in our lives, just like
His promise in Isaiah 43:19! He comes to us in the weariness and weakness of grief and pain
with gifts of strength and power. And when He comes, He not only heals us, but He restores to
us all that the enemy has stolen. We can take comfort in knowing that He will restore us,
because He promises to do so in Joel 2:25: “And I will restore to you the years that the locust
hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I
sent among you.” He doesn’t just heal; He restores to us the years that we have shed in tears!
God always comforts in times of sorrow and loss: Job clung desperately to God, despite
catastrophic loss, interfering friends, and a grief-stricken wife. David, a man after God’s own
heart, openly grieved the death of his son.
And of course, Jesus is our role model for
combining faith and grief, as revealed in John 11:1-45. When He saw Mary and Martha in
anguish over the death of their brother Lazarus, He felt and expressed the depths of human
sorrow. These stories validate the loving heart of God towards all who call on His name.
When we come to the realization that God was faithful to these men and women, we should be
assured that He will be faithful to us, when we cry out to Him, trust in Him, and praise Him.
“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:” The seasons
may have been cruel, and the suffering, long and painful. However, if we let these words, sink
deep into our spirit, each day brings new hope, new opportunities, and a new meaning to life.
Matthew Henry comments, “To God as the God of grace will I fly, and his promise shall be my
refuge, and a sure passport it will be well through all these dangers. We need no more to make
us happy, but to have the benefit of the mercy and truth of God. When God is coming towards
us with his favours, we must go forth to meet him with our praises.” http://www.elite.net/
~ebedyah/PastorsSite/psalms/psalm57.htm. There is such a blessing in this approach!
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We’d reached the house and parked outside, yet, even with Lee’s loving reassurance, it took a
while, and great effort before I could make my way inside, but it was time to face my worst
nightmares. Slowly, I made my way through the front door. Downstairs was more or less
intact, except for the damp, pungent smell of water soaked fabrics and sooty smoke. I slowly
checked around. Most of the larger items of furniture and electrical appliances had long been
stolen, but there were still some things left, which would be useful when we found a new
home. Looking around downstairs was easier than I had imagined, the real difficulty was
making my way upstairs, to where the fire started and my son’s life ended. With each step, I
felt my legs would give way. I was shaking so badly, Lee had to carry me the rest of the way
to the landing. The children’s bedroom was like a scene from a violent movie. Looking at the
sheer destruction that was once a part of our home it was hard to believe that any of us who had
been in that room had actually survived. Seeing it then, in the cold light of day, it all made
sense why I could not have saved my son.
The fire had started due to a faulty electrical ground socket; which ignited from the skirting.
The fire had worked its way up, and across the wall units on the side where our son’s bed was.
Not being able to get out through the door, he had gone back to the balcony window where he
heard his dad, but could not open that either, possibly due to the heat. Left with no options he’d
crawled under his bed, where he was overcome by smoke and fumes, but his hands were left
exposed. I understood then why his wrists were the only part of his body that had been burnt.
His burning quilt left marks on his wrists like strong fingers had grasped him too tightly, in an
attempt to pull him out from under the bed. The fire barely touched the other side of the room
where the girl’s bunk was; but it had completely destroyed our son’s side of the room. Even
our bedroom was untouched. It was amazing.
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My thoughts went back to the evening before the fire, and how unsettled Colin had been.
Attention seeking, demanding, crying, openly disobedient, not wanting to go to bed, or wanting
me to go to work’ behaviours so completely out of character. Could he have known? What
did he sense? What was he feeling? What did he want to communicate that he was not able to
articulate? The answers to those questions have never been answered. Over time, I have
simply come to accept Colin’s death as his passing from earth to eternal life. I had to accept
that as an explanation, since our faith teaches us that “weeping may endure for a night, but joy
comes in the morning.” This means our suffering will not last forever, but the dead in Christ
will rise. You see the Resurrection followed the Crucifixion, and so our Christian perspective
is one of hope and promise; and if we try to escape the intensity of the pain, we cannot
appreciate the immensity of the forthcoming joy! However, if we are willing to face fully the
despair and suffering of the Crucifixion in our lives, then we will experience the full power and
joy of the Resurrection.
Our wondrous God embraces both. Paul reminds us of this when he wrote 1 Thessalonians
4:13b-14. : “Concerning those who have fallen asleep, least you sorrow as others who have no
hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those
who sleep in Jesus.” I truly believe that amazing scriptural promise includes all innocent
children who have lost their lives. Also, 1 Corinthians 15:26 confirms: “Death is our last
enemy." What a wonderful future a loving God has in store for the people of His creation! We
can take great comfort in the fact that our little ones will live again, and the circle of the family
of God will not be broken. With this assurance, we move forward to the time when we will
look back on our own personal suffering, and the sufferings of this world, with all the hurt and
sorrow that death brings, and as Paul stated, consider it not worthy to be compared with the
glory which will be revealed in us.
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So we grieve for our loss, but not as the world grieves, that has no understanding of God’s
great plan of salvation. We acknowledge our loss and allow ourselves to go through the grief
and sorrow that the death of our loved one causes. Only then can we experience true healing
and move on into a new season of joy; for there is coming a time when death will be destroyed!
Scripture gives us every reason to have confidence in the fact that God graciously receives
young children into heaven when they die. David certainly had that expectation, because when
his infant son died, he stopped mourning and said, “Now that he is dead, why should I fast?”
Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me” (2 Samuel 12:23).
That's an expression of great hope and confidence, not a groan of futility.
In Matthew 19:14, Jesus says, “Let the little children come to me, and do not forbid them; for
of such is the kingdom of heaven." The parallel passage in Luke 18:15 show he was speaking of
“infants” children too young to understand the gospel. Yet, Jesus tells us heaven is inhabited by
such as these. In that context, of course, Jesus was speaking of the childlikeness of true faith.
He was teaching that every authentic believer comes to God with a spirit much like that of
children, completely dependent, without any strength or resources of their own, and with an
implicit, unquestioning trust. In other words, faith itself is a childlike reliance. Jesus expanded
on what he'd taught one chapter earlier when he stated: “Unless you change and become as
little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3). That is why I
wholeheartedly believe, “death took our son away from us, but Jesus has taken our son away
from death!” Our son was gone, and we had to accept that no matter how painful the result of
his passing, life goes on, and it is better to look to the future than to spend time regretting the
past. God waits to make the changes He has promised… these promises are yea and amen, all
we have to do is receive it, although it is clear that many of us still don’t know how to… but
one way or the other, Our Time Will Tell.
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Chapter 14 ~ A Time To Love, And a Time To Hate
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With each day, my ability to speak improved. Right along with my determination to choose to
be thankful for the future God had in store for our lives, and there was so much to be thankful
for, and hopefully look forward to. Promisingly, the future began to look brighter with the
birth of our son in February 1971. It was the easiest birth Lee ever experienced ... There were
no labour pains, no cramps, no contractions. At five in the morning, I was being taken from
the ambulance to the maternity suite, when our son came into the world, to the astonishment of
the nurse’s aide accompanying us. By the time we got to the suite, he was crying such a
croaky little cry which, sounded as if he was hoarse. I was so relieved that it was almost over,
I never gave the sounds he was making a second thought.
Following the completion of the delivery he was examined by the paediatrician, and I was
moved to a wardroom. An hour or so later, the nurse brought him in and placed him in my
arms. With Kevin-Jason’s arrival, we believed a new day had dawned in our lives, ushering in
a season of healing, emotional peace, and the manifestation of God's unfailing love. We were
grateful that God had mercifully granted us the gift of another son, seven weeks after losing
our eldest so tragically. As Lee and I looked at each other and at the tiny fingers and toes of
the precious baby boy in my arms, there were no words, just a sense of renewed hope and
comfort. When I thought of all that we had been through, an overwhelming sense of love arose
in me, and I cried out to God, “Lord, I place this child into your hands.” I was still focused on
the tiny miracle in my arms, when the nurse came in, followed by a doctor I had not met
before. As he introduced himself, the nurse explained that he had been summoned expressly to
examine Kevin. “What is it? What's wrong with my baby?” Before she could respond, my
heart that had just been dancing with love and joy, suddenly turned to sadness and acute pain.
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In a frozen state of mind, I listened, as he said, “I believe your baby has Respiratory Distress
Syndrome.” I knew exactly what he was talking about.
Dear God, how could this be
happening to us?
Kevin’s respiratory system was in danger of not being able to keep up with his needs for
oxygen and gas exchange. He continued to explain the details of the condition. Before birth, a
baby does not use his lungs because the placenta delivers oxygen from the mother to the baby's
bloodstream. However, once the baby is born, the baby's lungs fill with air and begin
delivering oxygen to the blood. To prepare the lungs to work properly after birth, a baby
produces a substance called surfactant, which lines the air sacs of the lungs and helps keep the
lungs open when breathing out. Certain events, however, during pregnancy may cause the
baby to start making surfactant early. Without surfactant, the lungs tend to collapse with each
breath. I stared in panic at the doctor, who in his calm and patient bedside manner, seemed
remote to the fact that my heart was about to explode…
This was something I knew about. I was a part of the team that worked with such conditions in
my final year of nursing in ICU… Yet, here he was telling us there were several treatments for
RDS, and most infants recover completely within the first few weeks of life. While he was still
speaking I remembered the hoarse cry and the deep raspy sound our baby had made shortly
after he was born. Then I heard the words that destroyed the very essence of me. To be certain
of the most effective treatment, he would be placed in the Intensive Care Unit, where his heart
and respiratory rate would be monitored continuously for the next seventy-two hours, to
observe if his need for oxygen would increase or stay the same.
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If during that time he needed less oxygen, then it was a clear indication of his improvement.
Immediately, possibly because I’d just been made aware there was something wrong with our
son, I became more aware of the rasping sounds of his irregular breathing, and realized that the
nurse was already monitoring him while the doctor was speaking to us.
I was speechless with emotion. I had worked in ICU, and knew the survival rate of babies born
with RDS. It just didn't make sense why this was happening to us? Confusion and frustration
washed over me. At the same time, feelings of anger began to well up inside me. My mind and
heart were racing, wondering what tomorrow held for this innocent little life. I was less
prepared for this news than Colin’s death; and certainly not prepared to accept that I was about
to lose another child.
Surely, God could not expect me to survive the loss of another child so
soon. This time I would do the right thing, I would fall on my face before God, and He would
save our baby;. I would plead with Him, so that everything would be okay. In my frustration,
I truly believed that I could bargain with God to save our son’s life… surely the same God,
who had faithfully watched over me during my pregnancy, would faithfully watch over the
son I had just given birth to? I tried with every fibre of my being to believe that the miracle
was clear. God's presence was palpable, and in that very moment, He would intervene in his
life; because, Kevin's birth was the continuity of God’s gift of life to us. As this became more
real to me, I remembered the passage which reminds us to: “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will
say it again: Rejoice! Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and
petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which
transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
(Philippians 4: 4-7). I refused to become anxious about losing our baby? I decided to place
my trust in God, make my requests known to Him and leave the outcome in His hands.
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Thoughts of the fire came back to me, and I recalled that I was seven months pregnant, when I
was locked in that room inhaling the toxic fumes. Could it be that the same gasses that killed
Colin, was now responsible for Kevin’s condition? As Angry and frustrated as I was I
purposefully kept on praying, and I knew God heard my prayers. The treatment over the
course of the next few days in ICU was effective and Kevin was well enough to be discharged
a week or so later. I left the hospital with my baby and moved into a new home. While I was
in the hospital, even with all the pressures and stresses that Lee was under, he had taken the
time to move our things into a brand new three-bedroom maisonette that had been allocated to
us by the Local Council. It was like a dream come true, a new baby, a new home, a new life.
But, time always has a way of telling!
With our new home, there could be no doubt that God had given us an opportunity for a fresh
start. And for the first time since the year began, happiness seemed to be rising in our hearts,
like the sun rises on a misty morning, pure and clear.
We did everything we could in spite of
the financial constraints to make our house into a home.
However, the challenges just kept
coming, particularly with our baby son who was still having problems with his breathing,
especially while feeding. He just didn't have the energy to breath and suckle at the same time.
Feeding could take up to an hour, and he would fall asleep exhausted from the effort. Clearly
still hungry he would awaken an hour or so later, and the process would have to be repeated.
As a result, he was not gaining weight at the normal rate. And the rasping sound he made when
breathing got difficult for him, get louder as he struggled to breath; so I continued to take him
to the clinic each morning for monitoring. After a week or so I was assured by the doctor and
nurses, that my anxiety was simply that of an over-protective mother.
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From their attitudes, I got the impression I was being patronized, but I knew my motherly
instincts were supported by my professional knowledge, and I insisted on more tests being
carried out, because I was convinced there was more to his condition than the RDS.
The new tests showed he had developed an infection due to the extra fluid in his lungs. Three
weeks old, our baby had pneumonia.
He was immediately put back in ICU; an intravenous
line inserted into the veins of his feet, as a means of preventing dehydration and providing
sugar for energy. I had been part of the team carrying out this procedure so many times. It had
been vitally important to me, because it was the only way of saving a child’s life. Now when it
was personally significant, all I could do was stand and watch from the other side of the glass,
as others did for my son, what I had once done for other people’s children. When they had
completed the procedure, I stood looking at him, and all the equipment he was connected to,
yet he was sleeping so peacefully. He had nothing to fear, how could he when I was doing it all
for him? His frail little image burned into my mind, as I watched him struggling to hold on to
life, and I literally felt like something inside me was dying. At that moment, I was angry there
wasn't anything I could do to help my baby. I was furious that life could be so brutal. I was
angry with the brainless doctors and nurses who had ignored my concerns for so long, when I
could see what was happening to our baby. And I was also angry with myself for turning away
from God, for making promises to Him, and not keeping them. Now I needed him to come to
my rescue, and all I could think was, unless God intervenes, our baby could lose his life.
I prayed for forgiveness, and hoped, He’d answer me favourably. Deep down, however, I knew
that hope in God comes from more than just an impulse. There is a verse in Hebrews that calls
hope in God “an anchor for the soul” (6: 19).
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It is something deep within that secures us to God through the terrifying seasons of life. Putting
our hope in God assures us of hope for help; for He invites us to come to Him boldly in times
of need. So I prayed with a renewed confidence and patient expectation for the truth to be
revealed. Ten days later Kevin was released from the hospital. With joy, I gave God thanks
for answering my prayers.
God waits to help us with all that concerns us, if only we would ask, believing. He wants to be
involved in the intricacies of our daily life and indeed is, whether we realize it or not; or
whether we acknowledge Him or not. God is undeniably in the big things in our life, and is
just as present in the small things that occur. Many of us tend to acknowledge God as the God
of the Bible: the God who parted the seas, the God, who brought forth water from the rock,
and the God, who raised Christ from the dead. However, we often fail to see Him as the God
of peaceful days or restful sleep.
Not only is God the God of the Bible, but two thousand
years on, He is the God of today, and every day; who still wants to part the seas of our
misfortunes, and to guide us safely across to peace and pleasanter times. God is omnipotent,
omnipresent, and omniscient; all-powerful, everywhere, and all knowing. Therefore, to only
acknowledge God in certain events will cause us to miss many daily opportunities to offer God
the praise and glory rightly due to Him.
When Lee and I accepted who God was in our lives, we were then better prepared to accept His
will for our son.
We truly felt we had placed our hands in the hands of the Saviour. It was
clear that God provided the critical respiratory aid that allowed our son to breathe. With each
breath and with each additional speck of progress, we gratefully expressed prayerful thanks.
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With renewed strength, we did everything we could to savour each moment, to cherish and to
share each activity in the lives of our daughters, and our baby son. The girls had lost an older
brother, and gained a baby brother, whose challenges for life were still ongoing. They had
questions, and needed answers that they could understand, for they were also grieving, and
uncertain of what each new day would bring. I was still uncertain too about what life held for
Kevin, but I had reached a renewed point of understanding of God's gracious love for us, so
that with each new day I would look up and say, “Lord, this child is indeed in your hands.”
A few weeks later it was Lee’s birthday. He clearly wasn’t in the frame of mind for a birthday
party, but with constant encouragement from family and friends, he eventually agreed. This
would be our first attempt at sending out invitations since Colin's death.
Although we
downplayed it, family and friends were so supportive, I didn't even have to spend any time in
the kitchen, they brought all the food, drinks, and music and made it a very special evening. It
was good to have a time of celebration and be able to indulge in laughter without the nagging
sense of grief or guilt.
Naturally, we went to bed much later that night, and of course Lee had
celebrated with such gusto, he was more than a little the worst for wear on Sunday morning.
Although still hung over he decided to take some flowers to the cemetery, and tidy up Colin's
grave. I didn't ask him why he felt the need to, or offer to accompany with him, since I already
knew the party made him feel guilty, and this was a journey he needed to make alone. On his
return, I couldn’t help but notice he was in a state of absolute anguish. After a while, he told
me when he got to the cemetery, he couldn't find the grave site... and being Sunday the office
was closed so unable to get the information. For the rest of the day he was restless, and the
following morning he didn't feel he could make it to work, then changed his mind and decided
to go. With all the clearing and cleaning up to do, and the time it took to feed Kevin, and get
the girls ready for nursery, the morning flew by.
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It was midday, and I had forgotten to call and see how he was doing. Oh well! I thought if he
has lasted this long, I’m sure he’s okay, so I went to pick up the girls from nursery. On my
return, I fed and changed Kevin, put him to sleep; and returned to the kitchen to make the girls
some lunch.
While I was doing so a friend’s husband called, with some distressing news, and
asked me to go and see his wife. I quickly prepared a feed, and left him in change of Kevin
and the girls.
The girls were busy with dolls and what appeared to be a mad hatter’s tea party, when I
returned. I declined the thimble sized cut of tea, and plastic cake, and made my way to the
living room to see how Kevin was doing; to be told he had checked on him several times, and
he was still asleep, was something quite out of the ordinary, for my little boy; especially as he
was still waking for a feed every hour and a half, to two hours, so I went to see how he was.
He seemed fine, just as peaceful as ever, so I leant over and kissed his fingers. However, as I
was leaving the room, something in me said go back. His forehead was clammy to the touch,
as if he had been sweating, but there was no sweat. Instinctively, I picked him up, and realized
he was lifeless. Spontaneously, I began CPR; and called for the girls to go next door and ask
our neighbour to come over. I continued CPR, in an attempt to resuscitate him, but it was too
late. Our nine week old baby was dead. My neighbour and the girls returned, and I asked the
girls to go to their rooms, as I spoke with Mandy… We did everything we could, but it was no
use. I was so dumbfounded I went from functional to auto pilot. I had already called for the
ambulance and explained what had happened, so they were with us in minutes, again they tried
CPR, but there was still no response. Before we left in the ambulance, I called Lee at work.
They said he had already left and was on his way home. So I scribbled a note telling him we
were at the Hospital; but I didn't have the heart to tell him why.
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In the ambulance speeding its way to the hospital, I stared at the lifeless body of our baby son.
The paramedics were still employing every skill at their disposal to resuscitate my lifeless
child; when the reality of what had happened hit me. I could feel terror rising in me, and there
was nothing I could do to diminish its surging force. I had left the girls with Mandy, telling
them we needed to take Kevin to the hospital, and I would be back as soon as I could. How
would they react when they knew the truth? They were already asking questions about their
own mortality, and in trying to find the answers that would console and reassure them, I was
beginning to ask similar questions too. They had just experienced the death of their older
brother, now four months later the death of their baby brother. Lee and I had in all lost six of
our children, and each time their deaths could not have been predicted or prevented.
Lee arrived at the hospital shortly afterwards. He had already spoken to Mandy, and brought
the girls with him. He looked like I felt, drained, bewildered and dismayed. Of course, he
wanted to see Kevin; but they had already taken him to the examiners mortuary. Agonizingly, I
was left alone to explain to Lee that Kevin had just stopped breathing while he was asleep; and
the coroner had to examine the body before he could be released. The time we spent waiting
for the Coroners decision was heart-wrenching, here we were again at the same hospital,
undergoing the same soul defeating emotional episode. Until they were ready for us, we sat in
the car in silence. Even the girls were quiet, something that was so totally out of their
character, but just like Lee and I, our children was also experiencing intense confusion and
heartache. I had truly believed for a miracle, now everything seemed empty and silent,
including our lives. Leaning back in the seat I happened to look up and noticed that part of the
sky was the most brilliant azure blue I had ever seen. The thick foamy clouds surrounding it
were like an eerie ever-changing landscape, which sifted and changed from one pattern to
another.
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Face like shapes, animals, birds and angels appeared then drifted into other forms, but the
brilliant blue of the small patch of sky remained intact. As I looked on I thought maybe the
miracle was that Kevin was now up there in heaven where he could breathe, and laugh, and be
free from pain and further ill health. Now, if that was the miracle, then there was indeed much
to be thankful for.
Hours later we were given the Coroners' verdict - Kevin had died from
Sudden infant death syndrome more commonly known as “Cot Death.”
When we were allowed to view the body we immediately made arrangements for him to be
transferred to the funeral home that only a few months earlier had organised the funeral for
Colin. Leaving the hospital without our baby son was challenging to say the least. Life seemed
to have conspired to deal us blow after blow, and this was another major “blow” to our entire
existence. Then the “If Only” began in my mind, making me feel that Kevin might not have
died if I had stayed home and cared for him, instead of caring about someone else. For days, I
mentally replayed such thoughts. “If only I had taken him with me.” “If only I had checked on
him sooner.” “If only.” “If only.” “If only,” until I was wracked with the most depressing
feelings of guilt and remorse.
Lee had become unusually quiet; so much more than when Colin died. Grieving openly had
been difficult for him then too, yet there was no difference in the actual experience of our loss,
only in the ways we expressed our anguish. One of the attitudes that really got to him, was that
people he met would always ask him how I was coping, but rarely asked him how he was
doing, yet he was also mourning the loss of his sons. I should have understood why he became
quieter and so withdrawn, never expressing what he was feeling, and in my bewildered state, I
felt rejected by this behaviour and after a while I simply stopped asking how he felt.
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Because of my own pain, I neglected his, and because of his pain, he neglected mine; both of
us suffering the same anguish, but suffering it silently and alone.
Two weeks later, we held the home going ceremony. The tiny casket was brought to our home
early that morning, and placed in our living room for family and friends to pay their last
respects.
Dressed in white, his little hat and booties trimmed with mink. I stood for what
seemed like an eternity just looking at our son, lifeless, yet so at peace, so beautiful. Then I
noticed that the sunlight through the window behind the frame had cast the shadow of a cross
the full length of the casket; surely, this was a sign that God was right there in the midst of our
heartaches.
Once again, our families and friends turned out in their numbers for another funeral at the same
church. I sat in the same pew going through the same service, experiencing a double portion of
the same agony, only without the ability even to rely on my thoughts. I really don't remember
much of that day; because of all the suffering, I had ever endured grieving for the loss of our
sons were the most relentless and incapacitating of all experiences. Every ounce of strength
drained from my being, leaving me emotionally, physically, and mentally numb. Kevin’s death
coming so quickly after Colin’s was a life-altering catastrophe that created a division in its
stressful wake. The aftermath of which changed our lives so completely; that there seemed
nothing was left that was life affirming about our future. Until then we had found strength in
our love for each other, to laugh to cry to share the high and lows, secure in our ability to
surmount any obstacle together, built on our promise never to fall sleep still angry at each
other. In spite of that, my grief had changed me into an irritable, impatient, and miserable
being, making the seasons following volatile and confusing.
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In a state of disorientation, I totally lost sight of everything that was once so important to me,
like my responsibilities to my husband, and my children, and of course, the promises, we had
made to each other in happier times. Regrettably, as I changed so did Lee. Unresolved issues
came to the fore. Feelings boiled over, and questions we were not prepared to respond to was
confronted with frustration, and arguments. Yet I just didn’t care. It seemed I no longer had it
in me to care. Of course, Lee thought I no longer cared for him and who could blame him;
when we were limping along with such a spirit of despondency, often expressing our anger
instead of our love; so caught up in the perplexities of our grief, we were powerless to break
free from its shackles. Therefore, incapable of dealing with the crisis it produced.
Yet, that crisis had given us an opportunity; in a sense, a unique juncture for us to seek God’s
divine assistance in our grief and in our marriage. In retrospect, I realized that if the process of
grief had been handled with faith, our suffering would have diminished and difficulties that
appeared later could have been forestalled. It was even possible for us to grow closer during
such a difficult time and benefit greatly from the experience. Had we taken time to learn from
the sorrow, we would have understood what we were going through, and would not have felt as
out of control as we did. At such a time what we needed was context, and faith. We didn’t
need to know what to expect or even how to handle the many changes we were experiencing,
had we simply turned it over to God, because He would have directed us. Nevertheless, as
much as I reasoned about it, I still wasn’t ready to turn my life or my crisis over to God. In my
messed up grieving mind, I simply thought the timing was wrong. There was far too much
going on in my life for me to include God. I had to straighten some things out first, after which
I would have time for God. How far from the truth could I have been? I needed God right then
and there, but I couldn’t appreciate that as being the truth.
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Looking back over those seasons, my times of need for God stands out like mountain pinnacles
of joy, instead of valleys of despair. On each peak, I learned something more significant about
God and how real He was in my life, even when I refused to acknowledge Him; He was always
there for me. The peak I climbed as a child found Him real in my desperate quest for love and
acceptance. The peak I scaled in my adolescence found Him real in my suffering sexual abuse.
The peak I discovered in my teens found Him real in my love for Carl. The peak I ascended in
my beginning womanhood found Him real in Lee’s love for me. And the peak I surmounted as
a mother found Him real in the births of my children. Now I had to learn that He was just as
real in the disappointing valleys I plummeted down because of their deaths. However, I was
still unwilling to include Him at a time when I needed Him most, I asked nothing of Him,
although I needed His divine intervention, and His direction. I had lost my faith because my
previous requests were not granted in a precise form; and so I questioned God’s ability to
supply everything I lacked. My experiences should have summoned the wisdom that God uses
our hesitant, tentative faith-steps as the open door to His manifest presence, so much more than
we can think or ask.
For in such times He comes forward to meet us at our point of need, and
we find that entering into a one-to-one relationship with Him involves more than mere
expressions of faith, or prayerful requests, because our beliefs, and our lips cannot always
communicate accurately the true cry of our hearts. In most cases, we are so out of touch with
our own emotions that we are divided within ourselves about what we actually want. We aren’t
even convinced enough about or hopes and dreams to be specific, and in our doublemindedness, we blunder along in our own strengths refusing to allow God to handle not only
our immediate material and physical needs, but also our deeper needs, the innermost ones
involving our right attitudes, and proper motivations in solving the human drama behind our
grief and relationship issues.
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The deaths of our children were an enormous tragedy; and so was the despair and pain that
ensued. It exceeded all other experiences, because the length of their lives did not determine
the size of our loss. Ultimately, it encompassed not only the loss of our darling children but
also the loss of our anticipated future together as a couple. We simply had not expected to
outlive our children, so we were unprepared, and a part of us died with each one of them.
Death did not even wait to claim them when they had reached their potential and had become
independent individuals, but took them while we were still intimately involved in shaping their
lives; thus distorting every aspect of our own lives together, leaving us feeling broken, empty
and helpless.
However, helplessness is one of the greatest advantages, we human beings have. Why is it that
so many of us believe in the old cliché, “God only helps those who help themselves”? A
judgement that is both deceptive, and erroneous. When adverse circumstances overwhelm us,
in our admission of helplessness, God stoops down to meet the heart that is lifted to Him in
sincerity. It is during those times when we are hemmed in, and out of control, not able to do
anything for ourselves, that God does the most spectacular intervention of all, by a
manifestation of His glorious presence right in the midst of our circumstances. And out of the
crisis comes the realization, that in our helplessness, there is no alternative but to open our
hardened hearts and place our hurting conditions in the hands of God.
Over the years, I have observed that in many Christian marriages ending in divorce, one person
in that relationship has a heart that is hardened against God. You see when a heart becomes
hardened; there is no vision from God’s perspective.
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Then as the couple continues to suffer hopelessness and misery, they feel that anything will be
an improvement over what they’re experiencing, and become so near-sighted they are blinded
to the whole picture; only seeing the darkness, and not a loving God waiting to transform that
darkness to light. It is only when we hand the hopelessness and misery over to God, that He
gives us clear vision, and the ability to see that there is hope. Then we are able to receive an
increased measure of faith, enough to appreciate that He will restore all that has been devoured,
destroyed, and eaten away from our lives. “I will restore to you the years that the swarming
locust has eaten” (Joel 2:25). Here is a promise we can trust in. God will take away the
anguish, hopelessness, obstinacy, and unforgiveness. In this promise, we are to envision His
ability to resurrect love and life from the deadest of places, thus restoring oneness into our
relationships, and unity of mind, body and spirit into our lives.
The effectiveness of a man and wife together in God’s sight is far greater than the sum of each
as individuals. Joined together as one the Holy Spirit, unites and adds His power to the union.
Oneness gives a husband and wife a power that the enemy cannot kill, steal or destroy. Why do
you think the enemy devises so many ways to weaken the unity of spirit and the bond of
marriage? Then is so swift to give us whatever, we will fall for, whether it is a depleted sense
of worth, arrogance, the need to be always right, our misconceptions, or magnifying our own
selfish desires. Then of course, as we plunge headlong into the chaos of our own choosing, he
deceives us with even more lies like, “Nothing will ever change.” “Your failures are
irreversible.” “There’s no chance of reconciliation.” “You’d be better off with someone else; or
in my own case “you’ll be better off alone.” The enemy knows what we will believe, and he
also knows that once we believe it, there is no future for our marriages.
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Bewildered by my faithless condition, I could not think coherently or connectedly about our
problems. As my obstinacy grew, all that was visible to me were our lives falling apart; and
unable to find a “solution” I buried my head in the sands of foolish pride. Desperately
expecting the quandary to somehow miraculously vanish; but, too self-absorbed even to
recognise that what we were experiencing as a couple was partially my responsibility.
Through the seasons of our journey together we had fallen in love, gotten married, had children
and endeavoured through hardships and pains at times to be a loving family. Over the years,
our love for each other had deepened; the bond between us strengthened. I felt his pain, and he
felt mine, even in the sense that he carried the symptoms of my pregnancies. We would talk
through our problems, reaching suitable compromises whenever and wherever necessary, and
resolved our differences in a heartbeat. Now in silent resentment all that we had built together
was falling apart; and it was hard to come to terms with the fact, that at a time when we should
be towers of strength for each other, our feelings had diminished to the point where there was
more belligerence, and less connection, fewer times of appreciation and less of contentment,
less warmth and more coldness. We were either too tired or just too reticent to muster the
mental and emotional energy needed to pay any attention to each other. Added to the fact, that
the tensions of grieving were so high, we simply could not come to terms with what we were
going through, or what to expect of the future; not even from each other. As a result, our fear
of the unknown rapidly became evident and far-reaching, so much so that in the ensuing
seasons, everything about our lives changed, as the storms grew more turbulent, evolving at
times out of the simplest of issues.
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Changes in life always begin with a choice, and the issues of life are filled with choices,
changes, challenges and conflicts. Challenges and conflict in family life are to be expected.
Most couples face serious problems at one time or another in their marriages, and I was
conscious of that fact. I was also aware that problems and the pressures that ensue places a
strain on any relationship, but although I knew all of that, I was still unprepared for it to
happen to ours, yet, powerless to do anything when it did. I was so tangled up in the depth of
my own self-pity and remorse, I totally ignored Lee’s feelings, and disregarded the warning
signs, there was a serious rift in our relationship. I really believed we had simply hit a bump on
the road of life; and since we had successfully handled major bumps before, we would handle
this one in time. I was not only deluding myself. I'd become blinkered to my causative
involvement in the truth of our reality. We were going through such daunting times; everything
seemed so impossible, yet we weren’t relating to each other anymore.
When we did
communicate our choice of words achieved the wrong results. We were withdrawn and
disconnected, depressed and despondent, whenever we were in each other’s company. We had
no interest in anything, not even in where our marriage was heading. Then the remoteness
turned to the wretchedness of the silent treatment. Over time, we did things separately, visiting
our families, evenings out with friends, to the point that the friends who was once ours became
“his and mine”; and any feelings we confided, we did so with friends and family, not with each
other. Looking back now at those miserable seasons it was amazing at how much we were
fighting; or worse; steaming along in silence for days, deliberately not speaking to each other.
Instead of talking through our issues, we used our children as go between messengers, and
allowed our feelings of anguish, and inconsequential grievances to overshadow our thinking.
Naturally, this disabled our ability to resolve our relationship, and family issues. Had we been
clear headed and focused on who we were together, and the oneness we usually shared, we
would have discerned that our friends were in no position to give advice, since they were
themselves separated, on the verge of a break up, divorced, or faking a happy marriage.
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Realistically not a reliable position from which to give counsel, more like guidance from the
bewildered to the bothered… a classic scenario of the blind leading the blind, which opens the
door for the enemy to create even more havoc in our relationship.
Have you noticed there seems to be a universal tendency to hang out our relational difficulties
on the chat line and solicit advice from family, friends and just about anybody who will listen?
However, so often this open invitation to sort our dirty laundry publicly, adds to the crisis.
Because, when it happens, there are several other points of view to contend with, and of course,
everyone has a take on what solution should or shouldn’t be reached. A trouble shared is a
trouble halved, with the right person, while a trouble shared with the wrong person becomes
double trouble! I believe it is fair to say that, unless the people we are seeking advice from are
professionals, with a proven track record in relationship counselling it is reckless to take
seriously such ‘common all garden’ advice. By all means, seek the listening ear of a godly
friend if you simply want to unburden stress, or more importantly pray together about the
situation. Certainly, some friends and family members might indeed have the wisdom to give
good advice, but remember that advice will almost always be based only on their own limited
experience and observation; and simply because your friend or family member has had a
similar experience, doesn't mean their advice is applicable to yours.
Solutions to our
relationship difficulties won’t come in response to general chitchat; or advice from agony
uncles and aunts; God alone holds the solution for the conditions we face in life. David tells us
in the first verse of the Psalms: “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the
ungodly.” And Isaiah promises us in 9:6 “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and
the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counsellor, Mighty
God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”
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Here, we have the truth in these verses that Jesus is indeed our wonderful counsellor. His
power, from the beginning, has demonstrated His complete Omnipotence in all capacities of
existence. Time and time again in scriptures we see Jesus’ wise counsel being poured into
every life, He came into contact with. He saw beyond outward appearances and exposed the
heart issues; causing curative renewal in every circumstance, made possible only by His divine
analysis of every deep-seated need.
In chapter four, John paints an exceptional picture of Jesus’ skilfulness in His interactive
counselling of the woman at the well. Here, He confronts the issues of her painful past, and
guides her spiritually into a glorious future. Discarded by five husbands, and currently in a
relationship with a man she is not married to; she has become an outcast within her
community. Drawing water at the well she has an encounter with Jesus, who asks her for a
drink. In the ensuing conversation Jesus saw beyond her external condition and focuses on the
deeper longings of her heart; and, her desperate need for an eternal perspective of life. He saw
her inner thirst and invited her to drink of the waters of life that only, He could supply. The
life-giving water that would fill the void she had been trying to fill through interests that were
obviously disappointing and certainly inadequate. The opening of her heart also opened her
eyes to the realization that here was a man who had more to offer than rejection and rebuke,
and willingly received the wisdom of His counsel. That single encounter with Jesus
transformed her life from outcast to evangelist.
We all have issues in our lives requiring wise counsel, but like the woman at the well, what we
need is an encounter with Jesus, the living water; who waits to confront our painful past and
guide us through the obstacles of life in this world, to an eternal future.
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Our daily decisions and choices, our plans and schedules, relationships that are concerning, or
situations, we are uncertain of. No matter what we’re going through, Jesus can turn it around
for our good. Can I encourage you before making any decisions that could have far reaching
consequences; to give our Lord permission to speak into those very situations, to bring order to
what may seem desperate! Surrender the good, and the bad to Him, and release your faith to
believe what He has promised. From His eternal perspective, He can give our hopeless
situations an appropriate diagnosis and infinitely a more timely prognosis, but only if we allow
him to speak to our open and willing hearts. He is the only one capable of resolving any
problems we encounter; and only by way of giving our sorrow and distress to the Lord can we
ever see true healing in our hearts. Then as we respond obediently to His counsel, we will live
in freedom from wrong choices, failed decisions, and ultimate heartaches.
Consequently, from such an unstable basis, we spent neither time nor effort rekindling our
love, or shoring up the cracks in our marriage, and the more attention we paid to our
disillusioned friends and family, the more dissatisfied we became with our lives as a couple.
Intermittently we would have the odd times of clarity, usually necessitated by discussions
about our children or household practicalities. On the other hand, we played charades when we
had company. Then we were the perfect couple displaying assurances of continued love, acts of
tenderness, personal interest, and the imaginary status of a truly satisfying marriage.
Sometimes our staged presentation was so convincing we were taken in by it ourselves, and
would in those instances attempt to revive our diminished intimacy. However, within a short
time, our wholesome communication would again dwindle into resentment and remoteness.
Throughout that particular season, it felt like we were in a constant competition to see which
one of us could inflect the most hurt, or use the most cutting remarks in an argument, on a few
occasions with our children present.
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I was so spiritually, and emotionally bankrupt that I allowed my pride and anger to dissolve the
very essence of who I was as a wife and mother. The wisdom poured into me by Esmay and
Frank during my period of silence was no longer vital to my conduct. Even Paul’s admonition
I’d learned as a child: “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may
know how you ought to answer each other” Colossians 4:6. Neither the advice from Proverbs
16:24: “pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones”
were dismissed without consideration. I had allowed myself to become enraged and embittered
and so were my choice of words.
Proverbs 15:1 makes it clear however, that “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh
words stir up anger.” So often we don’t even think about our words, we simply blast away
with them, and allow our tongues to wreak as much havoc as an idiot discharging a firearm in a
crowded place, clearly, there are bound to be casualties. Our words are so powerful, and how
we use them makes a tremendous difference to the results they achieve. The fact is when we
negate to use words wisely we're closing our mind to the central truth of “the power of the
tongue” that James alludes to in chapter 3; initially seen in Proverbs 18: 21, which warn us:
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue” That is why when we lose control of our
emotions and allow our tongues free range, an argument quickly escalates into a major
shouting match. Then as the battle heats up, in anger, we use words maliciously, punctuated
with frequent threats of ending the relationship, and so over time those angry words impair
oneness and the recurrent threats to abandon the relationship transpire in its fullness as selffulfilling prophecies.
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Consequentially, once reckless words that cut like a knife to the heart are uttered, they cannot
be taken back, and the causative damage has been done. That is why Proverbs 12:18 warns,
“Reckless words pierce like a sword.”
Our reckless words inflict extreme damage to a
relationship, given the fact, when an argument escalates; every former comment and
vulnerability becomes fair game. Obsolete concerns, and ancient imperfections, are used like
weapons of mass destruction to invalidate and tear each other down to such depths that oneness
and intimacy are shattered beyond restoration. This reckless application of words is what
Solomon in Proverbs 25:20 called “singing songs to a heavy heart.” Our tongues and the words
that roll off then, have incredible power to beat down or to build up. Resolving a conflict
means using wisdom to defuse it before tension builds, voices raise, doors slam, and hearts
break.
To this end, James writes, “If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight
rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless” (James 1:26). O Lord
help us please? James wants us to grasp, in no uncertain terms, that the key to diffusing a
heated situation is to control the emotions and keep a tight rein on the tongue. Often, this
action is so much easier said than done, and takes time and concentrated effort. Essentially we
all use words in one form or another every day of our lives; but we always have a choice; either
to use words to help, to heal, to heighten; or to hinder, hurt or harangue. Our choice of words
will either create or destroy, for words are the source of joy, on the one hand, or the source of
sadness on the other; used, either to express love and kindness, or to express resentment and
hatred.
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How we exchange words sagaciously or foolishly, puts this adage into its true perspective, “It
is better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and be proven one” Author
Unknown.
Regrettably proving ourselves foolish is not the only result that opening our
mouths and 'cutting loose' engenders. Our language makes the difference between establishing
peace, and initiating further conflict, seeing that the tone and attitude behind our words are the
litmus tests of our intentions. Undoubtedly, the choice of our words depends largely on the
circumstances of their use, but it may be better to say nothing than something regretful, an
approach I believe is far more likely to be appreciated in the long run. Remember that little
rhyme “Stick and stones, may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” is fallacious.
Words are very powerful, and can hurt or heal, build up or tear down, comfort or curse. So by
opting to use a better choice of words, we will often achieve better results. In our relationships,
this proverb by Mahabharata becomes a pragmatic expression: “A wound made by an arrow
will catheterize and heal; a forest felled by the axe will spring up again in new growth; but a
wound made by the tongue will never heal” (Books 1-5: J.A.B. van Buitenen translation
(University of Chicago Press) Translated by W.J. Johnson)
Conversely, Robert Quillen assures us, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers”
(Robert Quillen, journalist and cartoonist (1887-1948) - http://thinkexist.com/quotation/ahappy-marriage-is-the-union-of-two-good/1211766.html. In essence, in order to achieve that
depiction, a couple should make every effort to actuate the advice in Ephesians 4: 26 – 27:
“Be angry, and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath. Nor give place to the
Devil." Nevertheless, applying this counsel to our relationships, instead of fostering bitterness
and resentment certainly calls for self-effacing interaction, and also presents us with a sound
premise from which to neutralize our relational hostility. Since anger, hatred, harsh words,
retaliation and revenge only result in more of the same.
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By heeding Paul’s advice, we are also seeking to allow God’s Spirit, (who abhors acrimony) to
empower us with the capacity to forgive, and to love from the heart. Given that to discard
intolerance, and bitterness, and expressing love and kindness is, in reality, the true hallmarks of
kingdom living. For better or for worse “love” has a unique place in the sanctity of marriage,
and is the condition that heightens all other spiritual gifts or virtues in our spiritual lives.
Authentic love is the strongest and deepest element in all life, the precursor of hope, of joy, of
ecstasy. In the words of Emma Goldman: “Love is the definer of all laws, of all conventions;
and is the freest, the most powerful shaper of human destiny. http://www.thinkexist.
com/English/Author
To convey the significance of this message of love to the church at Corinth the apostle Paul
wrote: “Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It
does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing,
but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all
things” 1Corinthians 13: 1-7. This comprehensive definition of authentic love emphasizes
what might be called the work of love in contrast with the emotion of love. The work of love
is not in Scriptural terms an abstract that reflects no real meaning as in the form that it is
usually applied to relationships today. In our twenty-first century language, we love popcorn,
ice cream, our new car, our house, our parents, our cats and dogs; realistically, our intention
behind each emotional assertion can never be equal to the same degree. in contrast, in its
authentic or concentrated form, Love is the eternal characteristic that God has given us of
Himself, for God is love eternal. While with the emotion of love, like when we believe we
have found the right person, we feel completeness innate within ourselves; and become
overwhelmed by feelings of destiny, and that it's all too good to be true, and yet it is happening.
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However, our worldly distortion of love has diluted its all-embracing power; and in its diluted
form love soon loses its charisma and dries up. The result of such a notion is sustained by this
quotation from Pablo Neruda: “Love will make you forget time, and time will make you forget
love” http://generationterrorists.com. A position which is both extremely sad but startlingly
true, especially when we consider how repeatedly emotional love blows hot and then cold for
so many couples.
For instance, love initially expressed by couples under the stars gazing blissfully into each
other’s eyes, mesmerised with each other during candle lit dinners, or strolling together lost in
the wonder that is adoration; all seem to fade into insignificance and indifference in the
ensuing seasons. When the reality of love in the practicalities of household chores, taking care
of children, paying bills, finding time for each other, agreeing to disagree on issues, or arguing
about the stresses of daily life take hold. Time once spent daydreaming of an idyllic future
together, changes from compliments into complaints. Issues left unresolved, leads to
disappointment, impatience, and criticism; until doubts appear about the relationship, and
indeed love for each other. Although they were once so emotionally in love! The dilemma is
most of us are in love with love, and the sense of our own perfections, more than we are with
the actuality of the other person. The tragedy is that an association like that soon disintegrates,
because authentic love is not the foundation upon which the union is built. Every couple that
falls in love and eventually marries usually believes their love will last forever. Yet, so often
the strain of adapting to a partners preference, habits and disposition begins to hack away at the
strength of that love. Before long, many couples find their marriage drifting toward serious
rifts, subsequent break up's, and finally, divorce. The thrill of emotional love fades quickly,
because it is not modelled on the characteristics of authentic love.
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When our relationships are based on the unconditional characteristics of authentic love, we
learn to control our tongues, our anger, our pride, our need to always be right, and how to
control our sense of self, in order to develop the capacity to forgive, to be faithful, and so allow
the purity of love to direct our conduct, our judgements, and indeed, our lives together.
Whenever this passage is included in a wedding ceremony, it is usually understood as setting
into view an ideal to which the newly-weds will aspire. While guests in the wedding party
who have any experience of married life already know that the bliss of the nuptial day will
during the seasons ahead include demanding times that will test patience, kindness, and all the
other aspects of the authentic love Paul describes. Clearly, the lessons to be learned before
making a commitment to the marriage vow is to recognize that authentic love does not insist on
its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the
truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.” Paul’s
reasoning in this chapter is that in spite of all the gifts and virtues, only love is self-sufficient,
and only authentic love never ends.
The Biblical view of never-ending love finds its most meaningful expression in the Greek word
“agape.” Agape love is self-sacrifice in action, and is defined within the context of real events
like the death of our Lord at Calvary. That is what Paul alludes to in his Corinthian letter. The
question then becomes; how many of us can live up to such a paradigm as to be self-sacrificial
in our actions of love? Aren’t we all at times impatient, unkind, critical, rude, and selfish?
Don’t we all have limits to what we can or cannot endure? Which of us is perfect in this
description of authentic love? However, we must come to understand the authenticity of love in
order to live out its true meaning.
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This indicates our “love is (to be) patient," or in some Bible versions, we find it defined as
“longsuffering,” which literally comes from two separate words meaning “long-tempered”.
Vine describes “Longsuffering as that quality of self-restraint in the face of provocation, which
does not hastily retaliate or promptly punish; it is the opposite of anger, and is associated with
mercy, and is used of God in, Exodus 34:6; Romans 2:4; 1Peter 3:20. Combined with
“Patience” this is a quality that does not surrender to circumstances or succumb under trial; it is
the opposite of despondency and is associated with hope.” Notes on Thessalonians, by Hogg
and Vine, pp. 183-184. This characterization implies the negative power to retaliate or react,
but the positive reluctance to do so!
In addition, our Love is (to be) kind – which suggests
that as we develop patients, kindness follows. Kindness complements patience; the first is
passive the second is active. Kindness repays wrong with right; like using loving words as
diffusers in a heated situation.
It is said of the virtuous wife that… “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is
the law of kindness” Proverbs 31:26. When there is patience and kindness in our relationships,
then our Love never insists on its own way; we operate in tolerance and thoughtfulness,
displaying no signs of irritability or resentfulness; and there is no longing to rejoice in
wrongdoing, but a yearning to rejoice in the truth. Where there is Patience and Kindness
“Love” can bears all things, believe all things, hope all things, and endure all things and there
is no room for bitterness and hatred; for this is authentic love, and this category of love is the
most important characteristic for a relationship that will last.
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If I were to ask you to suggest a medium that characterizes the word ‘love,’ many could easily
relate to a passionate movie, a scene from a romantic novel or perhaps even the lyrics from a
favourite song; after all that is love, according to the accepted media. For example, during
most movies, we are usually shown a conflict in progress, where naturally, every obstacle is
surmounted and ultimately, the couple gets together; united in love by a passionate embrace,
followed by nuptial bliss, and earth shattering ecstasy, after which we are led to believe, that
the two live happily ever after. Except things never quite seem to work out with such an ease
and convenience in the world, we ordinary folks are journeying in. The truth is that even in the
most loving relationships, there are times we seem to find ourselves straddling the fine line
between loving and loathing our significant other? Why does this happen? Is it simply human
nature, or perhaps the base nature of emotional love? Sadly, when we fail to recognize the
worth of our partners by basing our relationship exclusively on economic status, social
position, physical appearance, social charisma, or some other transitory, non-essential quality,
we can’t honestly expect that relationship to provide for us the intimacy and support, we need
to create a solid foundation of love. Indeed, relationships are about love, passion, trust, mutual
respect, compromise, understanding, forgiveness, communication, compassion, and caring
enough for one another to reach oneness. So that as we weather the good times and the bad,
richer or poorer, sickness or health, strength or weakness, we’re not just acceptant or
appreciative of each other’s finer qualities, but also of each other’s imperfections. This means
relating to whom in actuality our partner is and finding significance even in the things that are
likely to push our buttons. Although many of us overlook it, the reality is, there is a thin line
between love and hate. Indeed, those hate-filled moments can creep in suddenly, even into the
most loving associations, and before we know it we are caught up in a love-hate relationship,
where there is no hesitation in expressing loathing towards our significant other at the slightest
opportunity.
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This usually occurs when uncertainties, mis-communication, and disappointments remain
unresolved. Such situations are quite common, where negative feelings like those can occur at
any time during the cycle of a marriage relationship that seems committed; and rock solid.
Then seemingly out of blue, a couple discovers they have grown into two people with totally
different developmental issues, and love-hate state of affairs results, with the realization, they
no longer enjoy each other’s company and would prefer to dissolve the relationship, asap.
When faced with overwhelming difficulties, couples need to decide if they want their marital
relationship to work, and then do whatever is necessary, within healthy parameters, to see it
happen. Time and careful consideration must be given to the qualities of the relationship that
has been consumed by unhappiness, coldness, and self-interest; recognizing that those are
issues than can be addressed. You have to trust that what has clouded your love for each other
such as abuse, death of a child, unfaithfulness, lack, loss, sickness, or accident, can be relieved
of its vice like grasp; and that everything consuming the relationship can be destroyed. You
have to understand that whatever has crept into your relationship so stealthily that it was not
even perceived as a threat until it began to manifest its presence in destructive ways can all be
removed.
Bur, for that to happen you have to be confident that God is big enough to
accomplish the transformation. So if you wake up one morning with an alien in your bed, and
it is your significant other. If you experience a tacit withdrawal from each other’s lives that
dissipates all emotional associations; until your relationship is in such a bottomless pit of hurt
and anger that every day sends you deeper into despair. If every word spoken drives a wedge
further between you, until it becomes an impenetrable barrier, keeping you miles apart, be
assured that none of those things is God’s will for your marriage. God’s will is to break down
all these barriers and lift you out of that pit, so that He can heal the hate and put love back into
your hearts.
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There is a time to hate, we appreciate this action, because the Preacher writes, “There is a time
for everything under heaven” and included in that “everything” is a time to hate. The question
then becomes what does God hate, and what are we to hate? Scripture teaches that God hates
violence (Malachi 2:16); those who love violence (Psalm 11:5); idolatry (Deuteronomy 12:31;
Deuteronomy 16:22; Jeremiah 44:2-5); plotting evil, and swearing falsely (Zechariah 8:17);
divorce (Malachi 2:16); meaningless worship (Amos 5:21); the wicked (Psalm 11:5); and all
who do wrong (Psalm 5:5) the list goes on; revealing more and more the truth that God hates
“all” forms of sinfulness.
From such a premise can we mere mortals assume there are issues and times when it is
appropriate for us to hate too? The answer is Yes, and No! The Bible makes it clear that we
are not to hate anyone, but we are to hate sin and sinful actions. Even so, have you ever
struggled with the extreme emotion of hatred; feelings which were so all consuming, if it was
not for the admonition in 11 Corinthians 10: 5b to: “take every thought captive to the
obedience of Jesus Christ” you would have lost your mind; be truthful now. Have you ever
been there? I know I have, oh but thanks be to God. We are all conscious that even a modicum
of loathing if endorsed reproduces to the point where we readily justify the need to hate, yet
there are instances even during our times of worship that feelings of loathing are present.
Hatred presents us with a problem of the heart; and as such it does its damage from within,
sometimes indiscernibly; so we must confront this heart defect by standing upon the truth of
God's Word: “for as a man thinketh in his heart so is he." Proverbs 23: 7.
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So there is a time to love and a time to hate; “you, who love the Lord, hate evil!” - Psalm 97:10,
indeed, exhortations to hate wickedness abound in Scriptures, and God Himself hates every
form of immorality because of its harm to mankind.
Accordingly, Proverbs 8: 13 declare,
“The fear of the Lord is to hate evil." The connotation here is that hatred is a legitimate
reaction when directed at the truly evil forms of depravity that exceeds the pale of human
decency, such as committing acts, which unravel the fabric of civilized living. Acts reminiscent
of, rape, sexual abuse, incest, the violation of women and children and the atrocities of war;
these are forms of immoralities that undermine our collective values and so should be hated….
However, while our individual response to God is a personal matter, it is not simply an
undisclosed or internal issue.
Jesus made this explicit when teaching on the obligation of love that we owe to each other;
“This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you” John 15: 12. This
is not a requirement that Christ had not already manifested in His own person and life. In fact,
His sacrificial death provides both the example of love, as well as created the community in
which we are to express that love for one another.
In 1 John, we are then made aware that while certain things are absolutely opposed to each
other; they are mutually exclusive; such as: life vs. death; light vs. darkness; love vs. hate.
The apostle counsels, we cannot be in the light and hate; since this is evidence of a darkened
and blinded spirit: “He, who says he is in the light, and hates his brother, is in darkness, until
now. He who loves his brother abides in the light, and there is no cause for stumbling in him.
Yet, he who hates his brother is in darkness and walks in darkness, and does not know where
he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes” 1 John 2: 9-11.
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Think for a moment about what we are being cautioned to do in this passage; and then answer
honestly; “Where am I walking, in light or darkness”? Anger and hate often disguise what
we're really feeling, but as we let go of those negative emotions, we sense the relief that comes
from offloading an extremely heavy burden. However, be encouraged; because as intense and
troubling at those times get, never try to make sense of them. Times of hate and anger are not
outside of the scope of God’s loving control. They are tests of our character, set before us in
the timing of God, who alone knows what he has prepared for us in the seasons ahead. “So
that no one would be unsettled by these trials. You know quite well that we were destined for
them.”1 Thessalonians 3:3.
In unsettling times of emotional anxiety, it is not surprising that we often find it difficult to
understand God’s timing, or even His plan for our lives. Generally, we can’t comprehend how
one painful moment on our journey of life can possibly shape the rest of our lives. However,
time and again our concerns about our relationships, our hopes and aspirations are all naturally
intertwined with our deep-seated need for God… and as we reconnect in times of worship and
thanksgiving, we can attend “with the ear of our hearts” to our own memories. Listening for
God's presence in the events of our lives; and as we experience Christ reaching out to us
through our own painful memories, our individual account of life becomes our own salvation
history.
Life is fascinating, beautiful, and breathtaking! We never know where the journey of life will
take us from one season to the next. We have been here a long time, yet, we have only just
arrived. So we trust along the way that God walks with us, and will use our experiences to
touch the broken world around us, so that our life has real meaning and purpose.
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We cannot control the time we have here on this earth, but we can do one thing; live life to the
fullest as it comes to us day by day. Cherish the precious moments of life that we have been
given. Soak up the relationships we have, seek after God’s heart, and live out our faith every
single day; trusting in the unwavering truth that “neither death, nor life, nor angels nor
demons, nor present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height, nor depth, nor anything
else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus
our Lord.” (Romans 8:38).
We are called to put our faith in Christ and trust that the journey, although abundant with twists
and turns, pain and tears, ups and downs, will one day lead onto the narrow path through which
Christ directs us heavenward. And where in time we can look back on the tapestries of our
lives and see how God has weaved all of our living into a beautiful picture of redemption and
grace for the entire world to see. Grace and mercy, blessing and favour are things that we so
often overlook on our journey…. However, from today let it be no more….. So many of the
wonderful little things that are there to make our lives more meaningful are so often ignored;
and we tend to regard only the big things. We do the same with God as I mentioned earlier.
We acknowledge God as the God of big miracles: We sometimes see Him as the God, who
healed our father, mother, or a dear friend from an illness. Yet, we often fail to see Him as the
God of green traffic lights or of fast lines at the checkout, when we have hungry children
waiting to be fed and watered. Why not resolve right here and now to praise God more; to
worship Him more committedly; and give Him the honour and glory for every infinitesimal
manifestation of His blessing.
In the end, the little things all add up, and you will find not
only did God part the seas, and hold back the waters for us to cross over from the past to the
present. We can also be assured that He will faithfully keep our lamps trimmed and burning
bright while we wait for His Son’s return.
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There are many things that make our hearts anxious, and one great source of our anxiety is
when we think about our future, and what that might hold. God holds our future, not us. (Nana
Bea used to say, “it’s up to God not down to us.” I still don't know why Kevin-Jason only
lived a few weeks, or why Colin-Anthony died so tragically, or why I miscarried twice. All I
know is, my children’s deaths affected every fibre of my being. In spite of this, I learned from
those painful seasons that you can't “count on” tomorrow; you can only count on God; because
there is nothing that guarantees any of us another chance at another day, besides God.
Furthermore, we can agonise over our situation until we become demoralized, we can fuss, fret
and fight the battles in our own strength, but one way or the other; take it from me; Our Time
Will Tell.
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Chapter 15 ~ A time for war
226
“Breaking up is hard to do” is the moving sentiment of a Neil Sedaka song; which proved so
popular back in the day he re-recorded it; first in the sixties, then again, in the seventies. The
appeal is: “Don’t take your love away from me; don't you leave my heart in misery, if you go,
then I'll be blue, “cause breaking up is hard to do” (Written by Sedaka and Greenfield). I can
only imagine that the purpose of those heartfelt lyrics was somehow to soften the devastating
blow of rejection, resulting from the demise of what was once a loving relationship. Since, just
the words “break up," indicates a situation riddled with impending pain and loss.
Until you were faced with a failed marriage, did you believe for a moment it was going to
happen to you? Most of us, until we were personally caught up in the craziness of a broken
relationship, believed that it was only “other people” whose marriage ended in divorced. That
our own was somehow immune to disillusionment, heartache, infidelity, and the escalating
conflict over who gets the house, the car, the children, the dog, and even the goldfish. After all,
how many of us would have walked down the aisle or stood before a Registrar if we believed it
would all end in divorce; yet, so many of us have had to endure this soul shattering state.
We've then shed tears, displayed anger, felt hatred, denied the truth, became bitter, and
depressed to the point where we believed the pain would never end. Subsequently, however,
from somewhere in the perplexity of our gloomy existence we returned to the realization that
life does go on, and because it does, its quality can actually improve in time! Truth is no
relationship comes with a lifetime guarantee; even those of us from Christian backgrounds,
who grew up in church and consider ourselves redeemed kingdom citizens, can at any time
have it all collapse around us like ninepins. The Bible warns us to: “Be sober, be vigilant;
because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may
devour” 1 Peter 5:8.
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Right here in this verse we find something of an explanation for much of our torment.
Determined, to demolish as many relationships as possible, the enemy comes into our homes
unexpectedly. His devices are ingenious. He comes as a thief, to steal, kill, and destroy our
lives; usually when we are at our most vulnerable state emotionally. He uses artifice to snare
us unawares. His devises are adept, designed expressly to appeal to the flesh, but intended
explicitly to destroy the spirit. In next to no time the laughter ceases, as the process of
deterioration takes hold, set in motion by communication breakdown. Only this exchange is not
just with each other but more essentially with God. What then follows is a declining concern in
shared goals, interests, and physical contact. Naturally, as this depreciation persists, intimacy
diminishes, until time together can barely be contemplated, and thereby loses all significance.
Conflicts then arise out of every issue; nothing too large or small to cause a disagreement.
Consequently, bitterness and belligerence substitutes for tenderness and regard, and during the
screaming that deafens the ear to the still small voice of God, love bids our relationships and
our homes a cold farewell.
My interest in my family life had become distorted out of all proportion with the death of our
sons. Subsequently, this attitude distorted Lee’s interest in me; neither of us able to appreciate
that the discord between us, resulted from our unrelated attitudes in coping with our related
loss. I simply didn’t know how to grieve my loss and give Lee the love and attention he
needed at the same time. And so, in the process of grieving our sons, we had re-written our
biographies. We no longer shared our feelings. We saw no value in each other, and so our
marriage became valueless. The truth is that our break-up was not the result of our differences,
but because we made no attempt to resolve those differences.
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Simple issues that should have drawn us closer together escalated into a battle of wills over
which one of us was right and which one was wrong, neither of us willing to cooperate nor
concede. Most marriage over time will face crises of disappointments, but it is how they are
handled that generates the transforming factors between a relationship that survives and one
that dies. It is not our relational issues that trigger the conflict; the truth is that conflict simply
uncovers the inadequacies that were already present beneath the surface of a seemingly loving
relationship.
Regrettably, as the resentfulness and remoteness increased between Lee and I, it wasn’t
difficult to see we were becoming irreconcilable; although we seemingly, wanted our marriage
to work, the dilemma was not badly enough to do whatever was necessary to make it happen. I
hated the disharmony that had crept into our relationship so stealthily, that it was not even
perceived as a threat, until it had effectively severed the emotional connection between us. I
hated the fact that every word spoken just seemed to drive a wedge further between us until
there was an impenetrable barrier keeping us apart. I hated the remoteness that every day sent
us deeper into despair, and loneliness. I hated the debilitating experience of the silent
withdrawal from each other’s lives, and the relentless draining away of our love into a
bottomless pit of hurt, and anger that was slowly destroying our lives, while knowing, deep
down, we still loved each other. Even so, our growing disinterests had stripped us of all that
was essential in sustaining our union; causing the progressive dismay to redesign our destinies.
In the midst of our open hostility, I felt lethargic, and unusually tired, and went to see our GP.
Had I taken the time to self-examine my symptoms, I would have come to the same diagnosis
she had… I was pregnant. The very thought of which, astounded me.
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There I was in a marriage that was floundering on the rocks of despair, and I was pregnant.
Then the reality dawned on me that this was the first time Lee hadn't told me that I was. We
were no longer connected; we had drifted farther apart that I thought. Clearly, had I not been so
totally preoccupied with scaling my own emotional mountains, I could have resolved most of
our relational issues…. I tried hard not to consider the negatives of the situation on my way
home, but it was hard to prevent the nagging doubts that were slowly creeping into my mind.
To free my mind of the turmoil I decided on retail therapy, something new always worked to
ease the tensions. You know now!
I’ve often wondered why it is that bad things always tend to happen in threes. My GP instead
of my husband had informed me I was pregnant. If my eyes had been closed before, they were
now prised opened, and with increased clarity, I realized my marriage was in a worst shape that
I could ever have thought possible… I’d only just started window shopping, not sure of what I
wanted to purchase, considering I would be spending money I really needed to save; when I
ran into [one of the friends who used to be ours, but was now Lee’s]. It was clear from the
look on her face of the “cat got the cream” kind of smile that she was burdened with tittletattle, and required if nothing else to dump it on me from a great height… She was excited to
the point of animation to see me, and as we talked, I learned why, as she freed herself of the
weight she carried without a thought of its demoralizing effect on me.
She took such delight
in telling me that she was shopping for a Christening gift for a child my husband had fathered,
in readiness for the celebration that weekend. What?
I felt like a heavy weight boxer had
punched me full on in the stomach... no breath was left inside of me… at that moment in time,
you could have folded me like a paper napkin. What in the name of all that is holy was she
talking about?
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To save face in the midst of the extreme physical and mental turmoil engulfing me, I pretended
I knew all about it, although I was still puzzled as to what she was actually telling me.
Nothing could have prepared me for what came next, but I paid full attention as she said: “You
mean the Christening is on Sunday, and you are here shopping like it doesn’t bother you that
your husband has had a child with another woman”!
Well, if the first jolt that morning hadn't floored me the second one surely did; and I just didn't
see either of them coming”! If she had been stoning me, it would have been better, at least I
could have deflected one or two of the rocks, or tried to escape the others in some way, but her
words were raining down on me like a boulder landslide off a mountain top. How could this be
true? I couldn't breathe. I was nauseous, in spite of the anguish I had to remain in control, at
least until she had gone. She was waiting for my response; but I didn’t know how to, so I
simply said: “What has happened, has happened, how do you think I should be reacting?” I
could see that my reply had lowered her mainsail; [that was nothing in comparison to what she
had done to me] she was expecting more, but I had nothing to give, so quickly said goodbye.
After she had gone, I realized I needed to sit down, no lie down; no what would be best was a
darkened room, preferably one that was padded, so I could bounce off the walls …. But, I had
to work with what was available to me; and that was to get into my car, drive home, and
somehow get to the truth…. Since clearly I was the only one who was still unaware of what
had happened. So, you understand a third jolt was coming that morning, right?
The rest of the day was like one those “Jack the Ripper” blackened fogs that used to engulf
London when I was a child…
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The thick black soot like mist would rise off the river Thames and within minutes, London
would be blanketed in smog so dense you couldn’t see your hand before your face…. Well,
that was pretty much how it was for me that day. I felt miserable, betrayed, angry, hurt and
rejected; not knowing what to do or where to start, but I had to start somewhere, in order to get
to the truth…. Subsequently, by the time our girls came home from nursery I had pretty much
found out more than I’d bargained for; but I decided it was in everyone's best interest not to say
anything to Lee; at least not until Sunday… It was difficult to dispel the impression from my
mind of Lee and another woman; especially, someone whom I knew, and had congratulated on
the birth of her son. The images took over my every waking moment, and then refused to let
me sleep at night. So disturbing at times that I couldn’t figure out how I was going to make it
through another five days, but I was determined to do all I could to maintain my composure…
Meals for the rest of the week were so badly burnt they could have been mistaken for sacrifices
to a pagan god. Daily routines were a living nightmare, and being around Lee extremely
awkward … This wasn’t the man I knew. It was not in his character to hurt or deceive, so why
did this happen? When did this happen? Just trying to make sense of it all, had questions
floating around like flotsam and jetsam in the recesses of my mind… After a while I recalled
times the phone rang, and it was like a race for life to get to it. However, when I answered, it
was either a wrong number or no one responded at all… Often times he came home either
drunk or so under the influence I couldn’t work out if the “Duchie” had been passed, on the
left-hand side or on the right.
With each passing day, the struggle to hold it together
intensified… until I was almost at breaking point, but I was determined to see it through,
regardless.
Our daughter’s needs had to be addressed; some form of stability had to be
maintained for their sakes; but there were times I didn’t know how much longer I would be
able to hold it together.
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If I could simply get the images of Lee and that woman out of my mind long enough, then
maybe, just maybe, I could begin to make some sense of it all; but the images refused to
disperse. If not for our daughters Sophia-Marie, and Nicolla-Mae I could not have endured
those painful days; but they gave me the love I needed in such amazing ways. It was almost as
if they sensed my desperate need to be loved and to share love.
Saturday afternoon I took them to stay with my [only] friend. I wasn’t sure how much longer I
could restrict the volcano about to erupt inside me, and didn’t want them around when it did…
also I needed to spend Saturday night alone with Lee. I wanted to experience the side of him, I
obviously never knew existed. I knew him so well, I was intrigued by this new behaviour; and
started preparing myself for the next phase; curious to see what Saturday night into Sunday
morning would look like. What was he going to say to me, how would he explain his need to
leave the house on Sunday morning?
During that melancholy season of our lives, we were on a perpetual roller coaster of emotional
turmoil, when Lee was down, I was somewhere below down. So neither of us could rise to a
level where we could engage the spirit of the other, we were simply going through the motions
of living. Mechanically, we went from day to day, working, coming home, not communicating
with each other, at times both sitting in front of the same television, without even seeing what
was on the screen, so caught up in our own emotional turbulence.. But I never expected him to
have an affair….
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“While it has been claimed by H. L. Mencken, that “Adultery is the application of democracy
to love.” West’s Encyclopaedia of American Law - http://www.answers.com/topic/adultery.
To the one who has suffered the heartless violation, such a sentiment presents no consolation at
all. Physically traumatised; I felt like I’d been painted into a corner of non-existence. I felt
hopeless, helpless; nothing was real to me anymore. The impact of the affair completely
shattered all that I held dear. My world had fallen apart, yet in spite of the soul wrenching
turmoil going on inside of me, there was still a part of me that found it impossible to accept the
situation as real, even after I had spoken to the mother of my husband's child. I was imprisoned
by denial; trying desperately to convince myself that it just hadn't happened. Knowing the
truth, but fighting against my better judgement, in the expectation that if I ignored it long
enough; it would somehow dissolve into the nothingness from which it came. Evidently, I still
hadn't learned from experience… that was exactly what I had done before; I’d buried my head
like an ostrich in the sands of bewilderment as my marriage crumbled around me…. It hadn't
worked then, and with the faintest glimmer of clarity, I realized it was never going to work in
any given situation.
Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences we can encounter in a relationship. It reflects
a careless contempt for the feelings of the one we once promised to love and cherished. And
so instead of love, trust and companionship an environment is fashioned where trails of
capsized emotions are left strewn everywhere, like the wreckage on the landscape after a
violent hurricane. Heart-rending feelings of disappointment, rejection, desertion, betrayal,
neglect, frustration, indifference, contempt, regret, disregard, heartache, anger and from deep
within us, more than enough boiling hatred to tarmac a highway…
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Irrespective of how it is argued an adulterous affair in any case in point is a violation of trust,
which has been furtively conceived without the full realization of the severity of its disclosure.
Naturally, when the deception is finally exposed, hostility is an understatement, of the actual
emotional perception of the one who has been wronged. Acrimony then seems insurmountable,
with its attending denigrating excuses; or admissions of guilt. It's quite astonishing that we
mere mortals are actually able to overcome our feelings of resentment; but the reality is that we
usually do in time. Although initially, most of us cannot imagine conquering our feelings of
resentment, because of the betrayal, but those who have gone through it know that it's not only
possible, but with each new day, resentment fades, until a new perspective of life, and future
loving relationships comes plainly into view.
The truth is that at the initial phase of an unfaithful disclosure, we are not quite sure how to
handle the situation emotionally. Often, we feel deeply ashamed and humiliated, so that we
attach ourselves to the notion that we were inadequate as a partner or become overly concerned
with the sheer embarrassment of others finding out, or worst, believing it was our fault. But,
let’s be realistic we didn’t choose to have it happen, so the responsibility is not ours. We may
have handled some issues negligently in the relationship, but that is not a licence for our spouse
to abuse our trust. For a marriage to be successful it requires both parties working together in
oneness to build a cohesive relationship; yet, it takes only one to reduce it to rubble. When that
happens what we are sure of is facing uncertain times, but that does not mean we will never
have a sense of permanence in our lives again. It can be restored, for time always has a way of
telling; and as the journey continues, we will encounter new seasons that cause the hurts to
heal, as well as ushering in new possibilities for love and happiness.
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That Saturday evening curled up in a foetal ball on the end of the sofa nursing and rehearsing
the situation, my thoughts were doing an amazing imitation of a monkey on a stick: going up
the ladder, flipping over backwards then down the ladder and back up again repeatedly, only to
duplicate the same monotonous exercise. And as I struggled to make sense of my thoughts, I
looked across the room as him and there was no longer any recognition in me, he was the man,
I had promised to spend the rest of my life with. All the love and adoration I once held for him
were rapidly being replaced by anger and loathing… Wounded by his betrayal, all I wanted to
do was to get back at him. I was so consumed with thoughts of hate and revenge. Surely, there
was a way for him to hurt the way I was hurting. So that he would go through exactly what he
was putting me through. Isn't that something? After an hour or so of this emotional torture, I
decided it was best to forgo the mental repeats and go to bed.. The following morning Lee was
up and ready to leave even before breakfast. When I asked what he had planned for the day, he
said he was going to play cricket with his friends. In response, I simply assured him I would
pray for no rain, and hoped he would have a really wonderful day; and then he was gone.
As I sat eating breakfast alone, I pretty much picked up from where I had left off the night
before. I re-examine our relational issues. I fast forwarded, rewound then continuous played
the series of events; starting with words used in the wrong way resulting in the many
disagreements we’d had. Silently, I relived the negative comments, times when we had hurled
in abuse at each other, and of course, the incensed responses to the scathing put downs. When
all was said and done those sardonic remarks were hard to accept as evocative of what we’d
become in each other’s perception. I certainly wasn't any of those things he’d said I was. And
then again!!
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I wonder if like me, you have found it difficult to accept the negatives articulated during a
disagreement; and simply refused to believe that the qualities expressed were in any way even
remotely connected to you. After all, that’s not who you are right? ….. Truth be told, what
was said is pretty much an apt portrayal of who we have become from the impressions formed
by someone who has been living close up and personal with us. After all who can be more
acquainted with our qualities (warts and all) than the person we live with? Accordingly, the
acuity has been reached after years of experiencing our negative attitudes, our economy with
the truth, our broken promises, and of course, how can we forget the frequent let-downs…
Sadly but true, from a hostile perspective the characteristics hurled as insults by our significant
other are the raw emotions of their protest, and that’s exactly how they actually see us.
Naturally, challenged by the effrontery and in defence of our sense of self, we passionately
deny the truth… How can you say such a thing? I’m not like that. O Yes You Are! Too often
we have become so detached from the truth of ourselves that we are not able to identify our
own traits as comprehensively as our significant other can. Moreover, the truth is upsetting in
such a palpable context; so we immediately take offence; when in actuality we should have
taken notice. Given that if we are not listening, we can’t learn, and if we are not learning, our
inappropriate patterns of behaviour, will never change….
Looking back at our journey it wasn’t difficult to trace how we’d arrived at our remote
destination.
Intentionally, or unintentionally there is nothing that generates conflict in a
relationship quicker than disregard. When we pay little or no attention to the needs of our
spouses, it generates feelings of unhappiness, inadequacy, anger, and even insecurity. So it
wasn’t difficult to understand where Lee had reached as a consequence of my attitudes. I had
been complacent about our relationship; forgetting the amazing ways in which our lives can
change unexpectedly, at times so drastically.
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I also had to admit that my complacency and disregard were key factors in the demise of our
intimacy… so of course I blamed myself; believing that in neglecting Lee’s feelings, I was
effectively responsible for signposting his route into a relationship with another woman…
Still, in spite of the guilt I experienced, I also knew that I was not responsible for his actions.
At distinct times in our lives, we can literally be consumed by feelings of love, joy, anger,
jealousy, pain or hatred; which turns our lives upside-down; seemingly not under our control,
but rather controlling us. It’s almost frightening to acknowledge how overwhelmingly
powerful our emotions can become. Why do we feel these things so deeply within us? Where
do they come from? I believe that we feel those emotions because God also feels those
emotions. All through Scriptures we find examples of God experiencing such emotions as,
love, joy, anger, jealousy, pain, and hatred. These emotions are intrinsic in us because they are
intrinsic to God, in whose image we are made. God has made us in his own image, and our
deepest emotions reflect what is already going on in the very heart of God. We love because
God loves; we get angry because God gets angry, and we hate because God hates.
Characteristically, of course, we have contaminated and polluted these things in our lives, just
as we have contaminated and polluted so much of our world, so that God's image is no longer
always identifiable in us. The result of this is that for many today, anger and hatred in our
world are so often destructive, whereas God's anger and hatred is always constructive, and
utilized to achieve righteous purposes. In our modern society instead of the depths of joy in
God's heart, so many of us know only bitterness and resentment, and instead of using our
emotional pain to constrain us to put right the wrongs, we angrily wreak havoc in our homes, at
work, and even in His church. Stop and take a moment to think about the last time or two that
you were angry enough to explode.
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What triggered that level of anger? In what way did you express your anger?
And finally,
what did you do to resolve your anger, or are you still angry and seeking revenge? Human
resistance to an offence is truly amazing! Have you noticed whenever we are upset, abused or
offended, we instinctively lash out, (come on...take no prisoners now,) and want to get even,
to turn the tables, to get our own back, to even the score, and so we scheme and conspire in our
own private torment; hell-bent on seeking revenge regardless of the consequences. Revenge,
however, is a prevailing desire which compels us to ‘do’ as well as ‘go’ to such extremes in
order to express our feelings of resentment, belligerence and bigotry. This propensity is as we
colloquially assert “only human nature” or “natural” to that nature to want to get revenge; but
God requires something else of us; He requires forgiveness.
Vengeance is such a controlling human characteristic that God admonishes us in Romans 12:
“Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: “It is mine
to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” (Romans 12: 17 – 19).
Lard’s comment on these
verses suggests the following: “Let the Lord's anger take the place of yours, and let Him
avenge you. His mind is unclouded by passion, yours never is when you are injured; He can
justly judge your injurer, you cannot; He can temper punishment with mercy; there are many
dangers that you will not.” Moses E. Lard - Commentary on Paul's Letter to the Romans - P.
394 - Gospel Light Publishing Company. Delight Arkansas. Originally written in 1875.
God has appointed a solution for every one of our painful conditions; the problem with our
humanness is “we want to do the solving ourselves”; we have been hurt so therefore have a
right to be vindicated, to see our offender suffer in agony.
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In our misguided effort, we may even feel a sense of power, or satisfaction for taking revenge;
but revenge is only seems sweet momentarily. To those of us with sound judgement, we know
that it quickly turns to frustration, melancholy, and remorse, and the after taste, is bitter indeed.
Revenge can never be a solution because it can never bring about restoration; instead, it widens
the relational rift, and binds us to the offence, holding us captive in our bitterness and pain.
Far too often we overlook that forgiveness is far greater than revenge. Forgiveness is a direct
source of God’s redeeming power for our lives; taking revenge and holding on to a grudge robs
us of the power to overcome our challenges, and endangers further consequences. We need to
identify and appreciate our angry feelings, but also be prudent enough to manage our anger.
However, it requires an unassuming nature to be able to do so. Since undoubtedly, it is not an
easy task to let go and empty ourselves of consuming bitterness; but we need to be aware that
hatred impedes our spiritual growth. It is only when we free ourselves of hatred and bitterness
that we open the way for the Lord to comfort our hearts, and restore our peace. “Never allow
another person’s inappropriate behaviour, or inadequate choices to hold you captive in
the prison called hatred.” There may be times when the challenges in our associations cause
us to be outraged, but even at such times we are cautioned not to sin by taking the offence into
another day: “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
Ephesians 4: 26.
Unfortunately, many of us just ignore that caution and carry on for weeks, months and even
years with bitterness controlling us. Well, verse 27 reveals the consequence of such actions:
“
and do not give the devil a foothold.” Nursing our grievances or venting our wrath really
brings out the fool in us, and opens the door for the devil to lead us even deeper into sin.
Proverbs then offer us some sound advice on this unfortunate kind of behaviour: “A fool gives
full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” Proverbs 29:11.
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And further on in the same chapter: “An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one
commits many sins.” Proverbs 29:22. Think about the advice in these verses and then try to
remember how often you’ve said something in the heat of the moment you later regretted; or
angrily damaged either a valued possession, or worst a valued relationship; then you will
realize that your irascible action readily gave the devil a foothold.. The perils of venting our
anger is it corrupts our relationships with unforgiveness, which in turn leads to hatred, of
course this can make us depressed, as our emotions are disordered by it. Such things happen
when we give the devil a foothold in our lives; and as long as we allow him to, he will keep
utilizing that foothold until we stop him by closing the door of anger and bitterness… We
serve a God, who calls us to forgive; and not to let anger and unforgiveness fester in our hearts;
because He knows it is a noxious trait that will destroy our relationships, and indeed, our lives
with its toxins.
I have to admit though, that for many years, locked in my prison of denial I rarely gave full
vent to my anger either out of, or in the heat of the moment. Instead, I internalize my rage;
nursing and rehearsing the offence; and as I revisited it in my thoughts the greater it grew, and
the greater it grew, the more I revisited it. When we are incensed, it is difficult to consider
anything else. And so instead of decreasing, our anger grows out of all proportions; becoming
more toxic as it intensifies. Then in that poisonous condition we contemplate retaliation;
obsessed with inflicting pain on our offender; allowing the devil an even firmer foothold. You
see, our anger turns us into the opposite of someone capable of love, because “love keeps no
record of wrongs." From exasperating habits to intolerable issues that seem impossible to
resolve, loving our significant other through the tough times can be difficult. But the same
conflicts that force us apart can also highlight our relational values.
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Dr. Sidney Simon, a recognized authority on values realization, has provided an apt definition
of forgiveness as it applies to human relationships: “Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to
better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harbouring resentments, and nursing
unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless
capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.” Dr. Sidney Simon with Suzanne
Simon, Forgiveness: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Get On with Your Life (1990),
p.19.
From a loving stable relationship, Lee and I had become cold, withdrawn and angry; neither of
us dealing with the reality of our condition, but silently blaming each other for the particular
brand of unhappiness we had manufactured. We were in a situation, which could have been
avoided, had we just faced our differences and not denied them. So how could I come to terms
with adultery, when I’d denied the simpler issues? The more I deliberated the situation the
more appalled I became by the images invading my every thought. Gone were the intimate
experiences we once lovingly shared, the innate oneness that was so treasured had become a
jaded memory. What made it feel so much worse, was that the loss of this cherished ingredient
of our lives felt like there had been another death in our home, only this time I couldn’t grieve,
all I felt was anger and hatred; although, I was uncertain where to direct the hatred… should it
be towards Lee, who said he loved me, yet felt it necessary to betray me, or towards the woman
who invaded my private world and seemingly took over from where I’d left off?
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It had been several years, since I’d experienced such an intensity of negative emotions; and my
turmoil caused me to retrace my earlier encounter with betrayal, to the time when my
innocence was destroyed by a man who also purported to love me. When I’d attempted to
process those feelings then, my anguished emotions had turned to hate for my abusers, and
distrust for other members of my family. Sure, I’d been taught since childhood that hatred was
wrong; but as the distressing mayhem intensified within me restraining those feelings were far
from achievable in my own strength. Now it had returned… in its starkest form, bound up in a
juxtaposition of remorse versus revulsion that enveloped me as if endeavouring to smother my
very existence.
Life for me had transitioned again, this time into a season of discouraging discovery! I’d
discovered I was pregnant; that Lee had a child with a woman I knew; and a deceptive trait I
had never perceived, and worse a hateful side to me. So immersed in my own personal,
emotional and spiritual chaos, I was torn between my adoration and abhorrence for Lee, but
helpless to stem the feelings, I knew could destroy me. The truth was I wanted to save my
marriage. Amazing as it was to me, even in the midst of all the anguished thoughts, there were
fleeting moments when I would recall memories that would remain unforgettable.
Subsequently, the reminiscences of those seasons would fade and the reality of my life’s drama
would flood back much stronger than before, with added misery and regrets. I had intentionally
cleared the decks for an evening of conversation. We really needed to talk, but I didn’t know
how or where to begin, or even if I should be the one to open up the rotting can of worms… I
had to acknowledge it wasn’t my baggage… it was for Lee to share when he was ready; it
wasn’t for me to drag it out of him… Truth was I was so discouraged I no longer had any
strength left to fight what seemed like a lost battle …
With the deaths of our son’s, I had
become overly preoccupied with my own sorrow, and had no time for Lee’s.
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I’d then ignored the signs along the way that should have alerted me to his adulterous
predicament, but I had negated that too. Now my relational situation had grown out of all
proportions, and the stresses were far too big a deal for me to handle in the state I was in, and
so I conceded to take the path of least resistance. And until Lee was ready to talk to me about
what had happened; I wasn’t going to ask, or even let him know I’d discovered his secret.
Much later it dawned on me that as an adolescent, faced with out of control conditions, I had
made the same senseless mistake of taking the path of least resistance, and suffered the anguish
that was my life, silently, attaching myself to the notion it was easier not to feel anything, than
having to deal with what I was feeling… and more resolutely the people who initiated those
feelings… Still, having never dealt with those psychological issues, when challenged with the
break-up of my marriage, I‘d regressed again to a pubescent mind; and so struggled with the
excesses of pain, anger and hatred, just as I had done as an adolescent. It took several seasons
of embracing denial like a cherished friend before I learned that the positive side of taking the
path of least resistance denotes understanding ourselves well enough to embark in the direction
where our internal values shine forth and direct us through the challenges we are encountering.
Whereas the negative side of taking the path of least resistance expresses our avoidance of
complication, of taking the easy way out, or simply not applying any effort to our situation at
all. Psychologically, we have a propensity for extremes in times of a crisis, and so obsessively
lose sight of the bigger picture. ... In addition we are prone to an unrestrained capacity for
rationalization; and as such, we are also rather inclined to underestimate the impact that hurt
and pain will have on our relationships and indeed, our lives. These are the characteristic traits
of denial. While, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross suggests: “Denial is always the first step in integrating
a horrifying painful reality." Http://www.ellizabethkublerross.com/pages/ quotes.htm.
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Doubtless, the denial of pain is a universal mode of self-deception. Many of us seem to have
this inherent capacity to protect ourselves from the anguish of responsibility through denial and
rationalization. We pretend that our pains (even when excruciating), really doesn’t bother us
that much, and pressure ourselves into believing the “critical mass” we’ve reached, merely
indicates us being somewhat melodramatic.
Over time, I’ve discerned that we human beings have a propensity to learn everything we can
about managing life and self, yet there seems to be no justifiable explanation why the skill of
managing our emotions never seems important enough to make the top ten on our learning
chart. As a result, our emotions remain somewhat mysterious to us. We know we possess
them, but our awareness, of how they function or more significantly how to control them
positively, remain somewhat outside of our orbit. Consequently, by neglecting to learn about
how we act in response to emotional pain, we remain oblivious to their influences on our lives.
When we deny our anxieties; an unconscious strategy is created in an attempt to avoid
confronting the emotional pain we suppose may well overwhelm us; and so we bury them for
protection, while naively endeavouring to normalize our lives. Regrettably, the angst we denied
or buried so deeply in our psyche has a penchant for revisiting us somewhere further along
down the road in the forms of relational problems, emotional trauma, or physical and mental
disorders. Clearly, the consequence of denying our pain is to deny the truth of our reality, and
so delay the process of our healing. It is only when we face the truth of our situations that we
are able to comprehend the prospect of the joy of forgiveness, reconciliation, and the healing of
the mind and memories. The challenge is not to diminish the hurts and heartaches, but
acknowledge and hand them over to our heavenly Father. To this end, we are promised in the
Psalms; “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”
(Psalm 34:18).
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Often on our journey through life we encounter circumstances that seem hopeless; such
daunting conditions may evoke in us feelings of powerlessness and more pressingly even
feelings of failure. In spite of that I have noticed at such times, we rarely ever take the time to
contemplate the fact that we inhabit a world where there exists a “greater power” than
ourselves. Think about it; many of us have the natural ability to fix a broken appliance in our
home. While some are excellent at repairing cars, or electronic devices; others are able to
renovate houses, restore masterpieces, or valuable antiques. Indeed as human beings we have
the God given capacity to turn our hands to a variety of practical things, and can bring about
the restorative order to the ordinary or in some cases the extraordinary things in our lives. The
question then becomes, do we really have the competence to restore into fully functioning
order our anguished minds, broken bodies, wounded hearts, dejected spirits, or restore our
health and wholeness after being crushed by the tortured circumstances we have faced on this
journey of life? In answer to these questions, we must consider the redemptive process of
human restoration, for it is without doubt we need to appreciate, no matter how adept we may
be with everyday things; we cannot restore our broken lives. The expertise we have cannot
compare, and so remain outside of the scope of the regenerative power of God, who can heal us
of “all” that we have suffered.
In Exodus 15:26 we find this powerful promise, “He said, If you listen carefully to the voice of
the LORD your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and
keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases, I brought on the Egyptians, for
I am the LORD, who heals you” In this verse, He lets us know He is Jehovah Rapha…“the
Lord who heals us” God wants to heal our wounds. But there is a condition to His promise,
which we must obey if we are to receive the overflow of His blessings.
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God waits to heal the wounds buried in our memory that still preoccupies our waking moment;
the images that refuse to let us sleep at night. Not unlike an abstract mural sketched across our
minds, where we can revisit and relive the painful memories from our past. God alone can heal
the wounds that have scarred us so deeply. The wounds of abuse; the wounds of past failures;
the wounds of betrayal; the wounds of a failed marriage; the wounds of guilt and remorse, that
we have strived to bury so deeply within us, are all still visible to God. He is intimately aware
of our agony. He knows all about our anguish; He was there during our tortuous times, and He
waits for us to come to Him so the healing process can begin. We may have buried those
wounds, but they still torture and distress us. Such wounds will continue to impair our lives
much longer than physical ones; so it’s time to give those wounds over to God. He wants to
heal our buried wounds, and today is the day to allow the healing to begin. Go to God, reveal
to Him what is going on in your life: “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find;
knock and the door will be opened to you.” Actively seek the healing you need today, so that
God can join you on the rest of your journey.
How I yearned for the restoration of my mind, body and spirit. The dilemma was I negated the
curative power of God, so how could I obtain the healing I longed for?
I recalled nothing
taught in church. I found no comfort in the Scriptures, or consolation in prayer. I had nothing
to encourage me, since such meaningful pastimes were alien to the life I lived. Even so, in the
haze that my life had become, and in spite of forsaking my times with God; the Holy Spirit was
constantly urging me to invite Christ into my brokenness; so that He could deliver me from the
misery I was in. But I still wasn’t ready to leave the mess I was in; I was so filled with hate and
unforgiveness.
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If you have experienced such overpowering emotions or looked for the answer to such an
intense question, then like me, you've been there, and know what it means to negate God’s
help. I pray that you are not still there; but if you are, then it could be the reason you are
learning from my own experiences that our time will tell…God’s way! You and I know that
the torment still gushing through your shattered heart needs time to subside so that peace can
be restored; but you and I also know only God can exact such a loving transformation.
Contrary to popular belief infidelity bears no similarity to the romanticized version portrayed
by modern media; since motion picture producers rarely depict the consequences, or it’s
attending turmoil. Infidelity creates a devastating sequence of emotional trauma that destroys
relational trust, shatters faith, and distorts the truth, leaving the debris of traumatized lives
strewn in its wake. Then the challenge that subsequently has to be faced is how to make sense
of the course life then takes from day to day. The struggle is taxing in its process, the pain and
despair severe; but healing is possible, and restoration a God given promise. In Psalm 147:3
David writes: “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
So how can a heart be healed that has been shattered by betrayal?
In my own case, I found
that there are three things that we need to grasp. First, when things around us are inadequate,
we don’t have to respond inadequately. Second, we need to understand that we can’t heal
ourselves… And finally, we need to accept the truth that no matter how broken we are; the
Creator of our hearts is ultimately able to bring about our restoration.
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So overwhelmed I longed for normality…The aching in my body to stop, the pounding in my
head to subside and the mayhem in my mind to be silenced…. However, I couldn’t fix me,
even though there were times I was sure I could. Except my constant struggle just to make
sense of each passing day confirmed I urgently needed God’s help; but still could not free
myself from the hatred that consumed me long enough to call out to Him. With every thought
that penetrated my consciousness, feelings of hatred surged within me, despite how I attempted
to dismiss my angst-ridden emotions. I could not find it within me to forgive Lee nor put out of
my mind what he had done. The torment felt like going round and round in an ever decreasing
circle; with forgiveness at the furthest point away from the centre of the circle. The attending
difficulty was in how to leave the circle of torment and reach the point of forgiveness, but the
ordeal was too painful and the trauma still too real. Then again, it might have been easier to
process feelings of forgiveness, if Lee had shown any signs of remorse, or had even taken the
time to talk to me about what had happened, at least I could have regarded such an action as an
earnest attempt to resolve the situation; but he never said anything, and I maintained the path of
least resistance and never mentioned I knew anything about it either.
So often when we are challenged with painful situations, we feel powerless to change, we
pretend to those around us that it wasn't all that important, but while minimizing the offence to
others, there is no make believe about the intensity of the bitterness and unforgiveness we
internalize. Sadly, when we persist in unforgiveness we allow the enemy to deceive us into
sabotaging our own lives. It never seems to occur to us in those times of turmoil that the
enemy will use every tormenting experience to separate us further from God…
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Forgiveness is a Herculean task in our own strength, but effortless in the strength of an
Almighty God. Trying to survive the misfortunes of life in our own strength is futile; we
cannot prevail against the deceptive might of the enemy without the all-encompassing power of
God. That is why we must endeavour to put to death the lies of the enemy, then turn the issues
of pain and unforgiveness over to God; who will relieve us of the heartache and bring healing
to our wounded spirits. Thereby freeing us from the bondage of unforgiveness to live and love
without reserve. We learn from Jesus’ own words in Matthew 6:14-15: “If ye forgive men
their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: but if ye forgive not men their
trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses”
These words encourage us to
choose to forgive, because until we come to the place of forgiveness we cannot receive
forgiveness ourselves…..
Have you ever been in a situation where you were encouraged to “forgive and forget?” Now
there’s an amazing feat that is much easier to articulate than to actuate. Forgiveness is never
easy; indeed, it is extremely testing to forgive and even more taxing to forget. You see
forgiveness is not a feeling, but a purposeful choice. Think about it, if we were to wait until we
felt able to forgive an offence, the likelihood is it would be a month of Sundays before we
achieved it, if ever. However, when we make a purposeful choice to forgive, the right
considerations follow our resolve. When we forgive someone, we are agreeing to live with the
consequences of that individual’s inadequate choice; while rescinding what we may consider
our right to even the score or to castigate. Dr Archibald Hart once said: “Forgiveness is giving
up my right to hurt you for hurting me. I think that’s one of the most profound definitions of
forgiveness I’ve ever heard. It’s only when we’ve truly given up the right to retaliate, that
we’ve truly forgiven." Focus On The Family Dr James Dobson.http://aquietmoment.
Wordpress. Com/2008/04/28/can-forgive-but-cant-forget.
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To communicate feelings of love instead of feelings of hatred to someone who caused us
severe pains, is the ultimate test for us mere mortals. However, the Apostle Paul gives us a
clear perspective in Romans 12:17: “Repay no one evil for evil, have regard for good things in
the sight of all men." In other words, we are to “repay evil with good always.”
Each of us at some point in our lives has experienced pain at the hand of another person. We
may have been abused, rejected, mistreated, let down, or exploited. The reality is, during our
journey, we are likely to encounter a number of life-altering seasons. However, as painful as
the experiences were that caused the anguish in our lives. We should never compound our
pains by letting bitterness, and hatred into our hearts against the one who caused our suffering.
Relational betrayal always brings misery; the key to freedom is found in how the attending
unhappiness it generates is handled, that will make the difference between existing in strife and
living life. When we keep the fires of our hostility burning brightly we prolong our own
agony. We need to appreciate that embracing our feelings of bitterness and hatred perpetuates
our misery; and the escalating resentment deprives us of the contentment’s of life, and all the
while God is waiting for us to hand it over so we can be freed.
In the book Forgiveness: A
Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart. Robin Casarjian, a secular psychotherapist, advocates
forgiveness as a means of helping people let go of old anger and resentment. It sounds good.
Even so, how is she defining forgiveness? In an interview she stated, “So often when people
think about forgiveness they think about what it's going to do for someone else. . . . What they
don't realize is that forgiveness is really an act of self-interest. We're doing ourselves a favour
because we become free to have a more peaceful life - we free ourselves from being emotional
victims of others.” (Forgiveness: A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart. Robin Casarjian New
Age Journal, Sept/Oct 1993, p.78).
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Throughout the Scriptures, forgiveness carries the awareness of “deliverance,” “liberty,” of
“being released.” An outstanding debt or something that has remained unsettled is intrinsic to
the concept of forgiveness.
From this premise, we acknowledge that forgiveness is an
intentional annulment of a debt. It is indeed the loving release Jesus alluded to in the parable of
the cancellation of a financial obligation in Luke 7: 36 - 47. The passage expresses the notion
that there is no other action as cathartic as freeing someone from our prison of hatred and
unforgiveness. Forgiveness is part of the process of redemption; God's divine redemption of
His people: freeing us from sin, and granting us absolution.
Redemption is the purchasing
back of something that had been lost by the payment of a ransom. And as such can be
characterized as an unconditional offering of pardon that says, “In spite of the heartache and
pain, I lovingly choose to forgive you.” This ability to love and forgive is a divine gift from
God. A popular axiom suggests: “To err is human, to forgive divine.” Axiom by Alexander
Pope - English poet & satirist (1688 - 1744) An Essay on Criticism http://poetry.eserver.org/
essay-on-criticism.html. None of us are excluded. We all make mistakes. We all mess up. We
all miss the mark, and we all need forgiveness for our shortcomings. The question is: “How
readily are we willing to forgive others?
Considering this great and precious gift we have
been given by God through His Son Jesus Christ.
Have you ever had a personal computer that slowly ran out of memory? And the slower it ran,
the more it tended to crash?
It is caused by problems that have accumulated in the registry.
Stray files, orphaned start-up tasks, corrupted drivers, installing and un-installing software, will
often leave some fragments behind. Over time the registry gets choked up and overloaded, so
bogged down with useless data that conflicts emerge. Left unchecked, the system becomes
unstable, runs slowly, crashes frequently; powerless to function properly. I mean to the point
where working with it becomes so frustrating, it becomes necessary to replace it.
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I’d like you to stop and think for a moment about what you may be holding on to that is slowly
but surely choking up your memory banks. Since, like the PC, that is exactly what happens to
us when we clog up our hearts with bitterness, until we become so overloaded with anger, and
hatred. Unless we clear out the recollections of our past pains and sorrows, our mental faculty
will continue to hold on to them in a vice-like grip, until our memory banks overload; to the
point that our functional lives become sluggish, and consequently, over time renders us nonfunctional. The one who caused us pains may be long gone. It could be five, ten or twenty
years, since we last encountered them, but as time goes by, those painful memories can flutter
across the stage of life, and completely out of the blue those stored negative emotions, surfaces
to overwhelm us all over again, until we become mired in the emotional swamp threatening our
peace of mind.
L. Ron Hubbard in the book “What is Greatness” writes: “The hardest task one can have is to
continue to love his fellows despite all reasons he should not.” “For the one who can achieve
this, there is abundant hope.” For those who cannot, there is only sorrow, hatred and despair.
And these are not the things of which greatness, or sanity or happiness is made. “A primary
trap is to succumb to invitations to hate.” Never use what is done to one as a basis for hatred.
Never desire revenge. “It requires real strength to love man.* to love him despite all invitations
to do otherwise, all provocations and all reasons why one should not.” Happiness and strength
endure only in the absence of hate. To hate alone is the road to disaster. To love is the road to
strength. To love in spite of all is the secret of greatness. And may very well be the greatest
secret in this universe. (*Man: mankind; the human race.) - Excerpted from “What is
Greatness?” L. Ron Hubbard. www.realhubbard.org/ TipsForSuccess.org
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It is certainly a challenge to love those who have hurt us. However, we learn for the above
excerpt that love is the balm that restores peace to our hurting souls. Of course, we all need
time to work through severe pain and heartache. In contrast, some of us, instead of using the
time to process healing, and wholeness, look for reasons to defer forgiveness. Such a deferral,
however, sacrifices our peace and contentment. The recklessness of holding on to resentment
does not bring contentment; yet, so many continue to hold tightly to this poisonous companion
for a lifetime, oblivious to the fact that forgiveness brings healing and restoration. Forgiveness
is a liberating gift which enables us to see beyond our pains, and gives us the strength to endure
the many misfortunes of life. Sometimes we encounter suffering that seems to have neither
rhyme nor reason; but everything that occurs in the tapestry of our lives has a purpose. The
truth is we may never know or understand why dreadful things occur during our journey of life.
However, there is a chorus of a song which reminds us: “Farther along we'll know all about it,
farther along we'll understand why, cheer up my brother live in the sunshine; we’ll understand
it all, by and by.” Farther Along - written by J. R Baxter and W. B. Stevens.
For me, farther along was still a long way off, I was still trying to contend with the bleak here
and now, and as to understanding why, but that awareness simply eluded me. As the days
turned into weeks the darkest thoughts rarely left my mind and the more I revisited them with
growing self-pity, all that was presented as real to my flawed thinking, was that my marriage
was at an end, and there was nothing I could do about it. There were days when I felt like I'd
taken a stroll along a familiar scenic path, but had somehow unknowingly wandered off into
the twilight zone. My life had been flipped upside down; and only a radical change could flip
it right-side up again. The dilemma was I had no idea what to do first, let alone what to do
next.
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Disillusionment, disgrace, shattered dreams, and a questionable future; joined by the countless
negative beliefs and discouraging questions swirling around my mind, that threatened to send
me hurtling over the edge of sanity was all I focused on. Suddenly, security, love and
contentment were replaced by anguish, rage, and confusion. Just trying to maintain some sort
of normality in our home for our children was the most demanding of all challenges. There we
were Lee and I, living in the same house, going through the same day to day routines, but in a
completely distant and dis-jointed way. Everything about our lives together was distorted: our
routines and responsibilities, our relationships with our children, our family and friends, and
worse, our identity as a couple. Our relationship being what it was, the right moment never
presented itself to let Lee know I was pregnant. Communication between us was still at an alltime low, and with the ensuing battles for supremacy still raging, it somehow no longer seemed
essential to broach the subject. After all in the natural scheme of things it wouldn’t remain
hidden for long. Our marriage was on the rocks, and to all intense and purposes, so were my
dreams. As wretched as things were it was difficult to offload the misery I felt with any of my
friends, since I could never be sure how much of what I shared would find its way back to Lee.
But as the despondency increased, I turned to Nana Bea for comfort and advice. She listened
silently to my self-pitying tirade; then opened her Bible, and began to read from Ephesians
chapter five verse one, followed by Psalms 107, and then 142. Believe me that was the last
thing I was expecting. You see I hadn’t picked up a Bible in some time, so the mere thought of
a reading from the Bible, that in some way offered the solution to the problems I was going
through, seemed absolutely ridiculous to me.
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The chapter from Ephesians began with an overall exhortation to brotherly love; followed by
cautions against various sins. Directions were then given concerning contrary behaviour and
relative duties; which lead on to the more specific duties of wives and husbands; enforced by
the spiritual relation between Christ and the church; Ephesians 5:21-24, which reads: “Submit
to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husband’s as to the Lord. For
the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is
the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their
husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave
himself up for her.” Her fluent reading ability had slowed somewhat considerably by the time
she got to verse twenty two, and the admonition for wives to be submissive to their husbands
was read with more annunciation than was absolutely necessary. An explosion must have gone
off inside my head, because all I can remember shouting was “sub what.” From my response,
it was apparent that she had just hit a raw nerve. In spite of my outburst, she continued to read,
until she’d had finished the passages from the Psalms.
The events that followed as far as I was concerned had simply gone from the ridiculous to the
sublime. Nana having read her chosen passages went directly to the Throne of Grace. (I think
I mentioned in an earlier chapter that when Nana prayed it was really loud). On this occasion,
it was so loud it not only grabbed God’s attention, but also the interest of the entire household,
who naturally came to see what was causing such a commotion. Of course, anyone entering
the room was summoned to pray for me. Much later when the prayer meeting and the laying
on of hands were over, the passages of scripture were then explained to me in their fullest
form, to my further annoyance.
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On what seemed to be the longest day of my life, the exegesis, and hermeneutics, of the
Scriptures was then followed with personal counsel, which took another two hours. I let that
day fully convinced that either Nana or God did not know what they were talking about. You
see at that particular juncture of my life it was hard to accept Nana’s reassurance that God
could possibly bring about a solution to what I was going through. I wish I could say that I still
believe in Him. I should have! I'd grown up knowing that He loved me so much that He sent
His Son to give His life for me, but I no longer had it in me to hold on to that truth.
I had
become so tightly wedged in a chasm of fear and insecurity of my own making; that I even
found myself wondering if He really existed at all.
Consequently, Nana's loving advice was not what I wanted to hear; because I just couldn’t
understand what God could possibly do for me, or my failing marriage. It simply didn’t fit
with who I had become, or with all I’d had to endure. Our sons had died, and in spite of that
agonizing episode of our lives, another woman had been intimate with my husband, causing
everything that had once been heartening and secure about our lives together to be destroyed;
leaving me with a future that had become the great unknown. Waves of confusing emotions
were desperately trying to drown the little life left in me. Mostly, I felt so vulnerable;
uncertain of anything, in a situation like that, what was I supposed to do? And more to the
point what was God able to do? I had listened although somewhat half-heartedly to Nana
Bea’s advice, but I had already pretty much made up my mind my marriage was over, and I
wanted a divorce. What was problematic with my plans was how to affect the separation
without disclosing to Lee that I knew about his affair. And of course, I was still trying to
process the concept of my lover, my closest friend, and the father of my children, no longer
being a part of my life.
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My misgivings of what was approaching for my children and I, fuelled my feelings of
powerlessness, and so I attached myself readily to the lies of the enemy. Consequently,
believing I had no hope, no purpose, and certainly, no future!
Many of us, at one time or another has thrown a “pity party." The common theme being
“nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen!” So we invite others that are as miserable as we are;
proving the concept that “Misery loves company."
Such a quagmire of self-pity, however,
leads us to believe the worst, and robs us of the potential to take positive action. Instead of
being proactive and making constructive changes, we immerse ourselves in the misery of it all,
oblivious to the fact that we are spiralling completely out of control. Self-pity may pacify a
distressed ego temporarily, but if we persist with this transitory solution, it inevitably traps and
frustrates us; by insisting on absolute control of our mind and our time; by compelling us to
revisit our painful episodes repeatedly. In spite of the fact, that self-pity is an ineffective
emotion, it cunningly disguises itself as rational thought; and appeals to our particular
disposition, while concealing its intention to effectively depreciate our lives. It can prevent us
from expressing our precious creativity, thus robbing us of our God given potential. Such a
degree of self-absorption further blinds us from God’s reality and traps us within our own
naivety. Such ambiguous emotions manipulate our judgement into entertaining unrealistic
expectations. Our naive outlook then converts into the factors of life and living, we rely on,
even though they are impractical. This causes added frustrations and at length incredulity
towards God, and His ability to restore and repair our brokenness. Realistic expectation enables
us to open our heart to God, who can bring us to greater level of understanding; not only, of
ourselves, but also of our spouses, and the situations we find ourselves in! Even so, when my
marriage hit the rocks I simply decided on the easiest way out - a divorce; never seeking God’s
guidance or assistance. As far as I was concerned the decision was mine to make.
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It was evident I would no longer be a wife, and just as crushing the reality, I would be
responsible for the welfare of my children.
My failure to to love, or to be loved had been
exposed for all to see, and naturally to gossip about. So filled with fear, I believed the best
way to protect myself from ever being hurt again was to find a way to live life in relational
isolation; and by holding on to that belief, I separated myself further into the shadows of
loneliness.
It has been said that when you fail in life, it can either draw you closer to God or push you
farther away. Oh how I needed the Saviour that could transform my pains and my past into
personal growth and future possibilities. However, I just wasn’t ready; although Nana Bea
pleaded, scolded, encouraged, and prayed. A day didn’t go by without her telling me that Jesus
Christ could give me the strength to bear the weight of my burdens. Even so, nothing at that
time could get through to me that He was what I needed. I was blinded by doubts to my need
for God in my life. It wasn’t until I began to understand my humanness that I realized the
emotions I was experiencing, the smouldering anger raging deep inside me, and the fear that
paralysed my effectiveness, needed God’s divine intervention. Once I grasped that truth, there
had to be an about turn to absolutely everything in my life; my beliefs, my home, my
occupation, my identity, my friends, my relationship with my children, and indeed, my
relationship with God. Over time, it slowly dawned on me that no one else could understand
the suffering of rejection, infidelity, and betrayal more than our Lord could. His earthly journey
was made up of such experiences from His birth in a humble stable to His death on a merciless
Cross. “He was despised and rejected by men, a Man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.”
(Isaiah 53: 3). On our behalf, our Lord took upon Himself every sin of betrayal, rejection, and
unfaithfulness, and paid the ultimate price with His Blood. Isn’t that amazing!
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He alone can repair ruined lives; from shattered hearts and broken families, to those who have
lost hope for a better tomorrow, and especially those who believe their circumstances will
never change. Be assured, He has given us a wonderful promise in Isaiah 61:3: “To console
those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The
garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified." Right here in these verses we find an
unwavering assurance of restoration and renewal.
There are many aspects during our lifetime that transpires to steal our joy. It may be our
circumstances, our experiences, or indeed, our attitude towards life. When we least expect it,
even those we love dearly can bring our happiness crashing down around our ears. To stem the
anguish, we need to receive the peace that our Lord gave when He promised: “The Lord is
close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18) It took
many more years of heartache before I fully accepted this amazing promise of restoration; and
accepted Jesus Christ into my life. Since then God has taken me through many struggles and
trials that have come against me on every side. Each time I feared the worst, God showed up
and secured my safety. I believe this is true in some aspect for everyone. So why is it when
storm clouds loom overhead that we forget the power of God? Why do we cower in fear when
a painful situation is out of our control? The truth is that there is no battle; we face that Christ
cannot overcome for us. In our wilderness time of need, there will always be “Living Waters”
of hope for those who believe. The promises of God will never fail! Christ covered the cost
for victory in every single conflict we endure. His merciful, loving, immeasurable grace is allsufficient for you and me.
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I think we all need a constant reminder of who our God is, and what He can do in times of
heartache and pain. We need to come to the realization that it is God, who is our only help and
our only hope. It is God that we should look to and not man. It is God, who is there to comfort
our hearts in the midnight hours, when loneliness threatens to have us certified. It is our God,
who strengthens and encourages us in these dark times. If you are walking in a dark valley
right now, and it seems you will never see the light of day, please know that we have God's
promise that it will have an end, and once again, we will have joy of heart, and peace of mind.
God's grace is sufficient for any heartache test or trial. Our God is always with us and for us,
and through His power; we are made stronger in times of suffering. I pray you won’t put off
allowing Jesus Christ to intervene in your episodes of life. Because when you do, He is truly
able to restore the years you have spent in tears. You see, weeping may endure for a night, but
joy cometh in the morning. Yes, there is an end, and the tears are only for a night, and joy will
indeed come in the morning. We have our God's Word on it, and in Him, Out Time Will Tell.
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Chapter 16 ~ A Time For Peace
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As I continued to meditate on this passage in Ecclesiastes it became clearer to me that Solomon
in his God given wisdom is recapitulating the highs and lows of life; as he takes us through the
changing seasons of sadness and tragedies, of happiness, and joys; so that we can appreciate
this is how life will be. Thereby preparing our minds to be conscious of the fact that each
season regardless of its up’s or downs is a celebration of life in itself. Let’s face it, life isn’t all
pleasure without pain; our living will not always be harmonious. We will have days of joy and
laughter, as well as heartache and hurt. Consequently, we are to be mindful “there is a time for
everything; a time, to die, to weep, to laugh, to mourn, to dance, to war.” These conditions
comprise the rhythmic flow of life, and we are to embrace each trial as it takes place, no matter
how unfair it may seem, because in all the catastrophes and impediments of life, there is the
assurance of a “time of peace."
For everything there is a season; yet as detestable as war is, included on our journey of life,
there is to be “a time for war.” A time of war is indeed an extreme season. At such a time, the
episodes of life threaten to shake the very foundations of our values. A time of war, signals a
life-altering period, since goals and aspirations, are hindered by forces beyond our
comprehension. In our humanness of course we become uncertain about the future, and
anxious about events over which we have absolutely no control. Yet, even if we wanted to run,
there is no place to hide in a time of war; every aspect of our lives comes directly under attack;
as conflict, and disorder controls our environment. Unexpectedly we are faced with new kinds
of threats, which are all quite bewildering: terrorism; chemical, biological, nuclear, and
incendiary devices. Snipers on every corner, hidden mines along our pathway, there is simply
no escaping the onslaught, especially, as it is taking place right there in our own homes.
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In fear, we may want to retreat, but in faith, we know we have no other option than to confront
the enemy head on; although we are aware that there is always the inevitability of death,
violation and heartache; the effects of which will be far reaching, and devastating. Still, we
have no way of knowing how long the battle will last, or how deeply our lives will be affected
by the offensive. So, in order to emerge from the war zone that was once a loving home and
walk in the victory that has already been won on our behalf, Paul admonishes us to: “Fight the
good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made
your good confession in the presence of many witnesses” 1 Timothy 6:12. We are to “fight
the good fight of faith”; how we feel about combat and the mayhem around us is irrelevant.
We may be battered and scarred; and exhausted by the constant conflicts we face daily, but we
are assured that we can win every campaign; because we are equipped as overcomers to do
battle and still walk in victory. Alternatively, as I have heard it preached “We may be taking
blows, but it’s time to take authority”
The very concept of defeat is changed when we fight the good fight of faith. The war front, in
the conventional sense, no longer exists. We can walk right into the heart of the opponent’s
environment and launch “commando” operations, which will put our adversary to “flight." To
emerge triumphant we must fight; we must engage in battle before we can be victorious.
Therefore, we fight not in our own strength; the weapons we are to use are God's weapons, so
we are assured that we cannot be defeated regardless of what the circumstances may look like.
Fear should not dominate us, or anxieties deter our ability to stand strong and do battle. The
Apostle Paul testified “my God always causes me to triumph in Christ Jesus”; so we are
forearmed with the knowledge that the incredible power of Almighty God, allow ends to be
matched with means.
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War, however, whether in the home or in the world poses the kind of menace that we may have
little or no experience of. Consequently, we dread the unknown, feel distressed, vulnerable and
concerned about our welfare. It’s a fact, however, that we do not all respond in the same way
in a time of war; since each of us have our own distinctive means of managing situations, we
find alarming. Some of us may be more resilient or adaptable to out of control circumstances
than others. Yet, being resilient or adaptable does not alter the feelings of misery and torment.
No matter how stalwart we are in the face of adversity, when we have suffered sorrow and loss
in a time of war, the commonality we share universally is looking forward to a time of peace.
How I longed for a time of peace, so the war raging in my heart could be stilled. Surely there
had to be a better future ahead of me than the betrayal, rejection and abuse of my past. It was
no easy feat. It took further years of struggles and heartaches, but then nothing of significance
is accomplished with ease. I gained new strengths with each lesson; and I learned through
those experiences that life at times can deal us some ruthless blows, but in such trying times, if
we can persevere, if we can look to Him from whom our help comes, then we will rise like the
Phoenix from the ashes of such harsh challenges, to become stronger, than we were before.
I resigned from my nursing post in ICU; although I had no clear direction of a future career
choice; but God had a plan for my life. Just, a few weeks later, as I was walking past a newly
finished building, my curiosity got the better of me, and I went in, to look around. I entered not
knowing what the future held for me, but when I came out a few hours later, I had a job as the
Administrator and Community Advisor for that new welfare project, which would be working
with young people and their families on an inner-city housing estate.
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I knew then that God was not only in control of my life, but had plans for my restoration. Even
though I would need some additional training, my salary would be almost double that of my
nursing post. I had walked right into a new season. Out of the blue, I stumble on a vocational
pathway, and one that has led me through twists and turns to where I am today.
Bless the
name of the Lord! In my time of war, God supplied my need, not only to survive, but to grow
and flourish.
The Bible tells us in Ephesians 3:20-21:
"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly
abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be
glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."
Bless the
name of the Lord; our confidence should be unwavering in such an Almighty God. His ways
are unfathomable; His purposes are sure. His plans are purposefully designed to enrich our
lives, taking us as we grow in Him from glory to glory to glory. He can do such wonderful
things for us, the thoughts of which have never even entered our minds. God orchestrates our
lives; and by His supreme power, we live from day to day enabled and strengthened to face any
challenges that may come our way. Our trials and tribulation so often take us by surprise, but
they are not surprising to God, because He already knows what lies before us, and has made a
way so that we never suffer more than we are able to contend with. Even in our times of war,
in the fiercest battles, and in what we consider total defeat or destruction, He is ever present to
help us through the struggles. And so we need to relentlessly affirm God’s perfect timing;
trusting in Him, to see His will and perfect order unfolded in our lives. I learned that day that
life has a way of slamming doors in our face, but God always opens the right door; at the right
time in the right way, and all we have to do is walk right into it!
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One of the most important departments in any hospital is the Intensive Care Unit. It is where
you will find the people with the most critical of needs. Suffering, pain, and anguish are
unavoidable, as well as the tragedy that is death for some patients, but to a greater degree, there
is also the actuality of wholesome recovery for many more. In changing my role to community
advisor in such an impoverished environment, I came across another side of human suffering
and pain I never even knew existed. The families on the estate lived in poor housing conditions
where deprivation and squalor were accepted as normal. Chronic over-crowding significantly
impacted on many of the children’s physical, mental and social development. Damp, mould
and condensation affected every dwelling, causing a range of illnesses, from allergies to
asthma, and bronchitis, and in rare cases tuberculosis. Men, women and many children of
primary school age were addicted to alcohol, drugs, or solvents. Daily, the disclosures of
incestuous, abusive and dysfunctional relationships had to be recorded, and referrals made to
supporting agencies. There was also the lack of response to educational input for potentially
bright children, many of whom had either never attended school, or due to behavioural issues
had been excluded from attending. In addition, there were the physical and mental health issues
compounded by abject environmental issues, such as racism, anti-social behaviour, crime, and
the extra pressures placed on families living on a low-income, and the effects of stigma that
living in poverty brings. As I reflected on my working life to that point, I realized I had been
following a purposely chartered route… In my first job, I had worked with girls aged eleven to
eighteen in a mother and baby home… many of whom would never recover from the trauma
that an adults poor choice had entangled them in. Responding to the varied needs of each
resident made the work challenging, and at times emotionally draining, but overall incredibly
rewarding to see positive changes take shape in their lives after seasons of such extreme
distress.
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Then as a nurse in renal care and later in the intensive care unit my work brought me into daily
contact with acute suffering and pain. I was present at birth and at death, and much of the lifechanging and life-enhancing moment’s in-between. Each day I saw children and adults at
varying levels of health, (some recovering while others were dying), and it was my job to care
for them in a dignified attempt to relieve their suffering. Predominantly, each day was fraught
with anxieties not only for the patients in my care, but also for their loved ones, who often
needed a shoulder to cry on; or just a listening ear. There were times during those years though
that I honestly felt I was labouring in vain, but in retrospect, I had to accept, it had all been a
part of the greater plan and purpose for my life.
Plan and purpose for my life it clearly was, but the change from nursing to work on an Inner
City Estate, felt like I had been thrown in at the deep end, and didn’t have a clue how to
paddle, let alone swim. Believe me, it was my greatest career challenge so far; but God knew
who He wanted me to become, and used a time of war to transition my life, by channelling my
painful experiences, and the anger it produced into achievement, which enabled me to gain a
new perspective of myself and of life. Because as I worked alongside those disadvantaged
families and the major challenges, and heartaches they were subjected to, I had to admit that
my dilemma was somewhat trivial in comparison to theirs.
Isn’t it amazing that as demoralizing as a time of war is, it can also become a time of renewal
and self-discovery in our lives, and although we are somewhat shell-shocked and battle scared
we can still find peace and happiness? At such a cross-section on the journey of life, we are
faced with no other option than to search deep within ourselves for the strength and courage to
rise above our anxiety about the past, and our dread of the unknown, to become more enduring.
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Furthermore, it is not unusual in that search of self, that we perchance find a loving God,
waiting for us to acknowledge His sovereignty in our lives.
Of course, when we finally
accept, He is the source of our strength, the Rock on which we are to build our lives,
surprisingly we uncover an abundance of insightful wisdom that enhances our capacity to
continue with life's journey, regardless of its twists and turns.
And so it wasn't surprising that as my times and seasons changed so did my priorities; from an
individualistic, grasping and self-centred mentality, to becoming more community spirited,
wanting so much to give back to life the best that I could, no longer taking it for granted that I
was owed anything by life.. I've often wondered why we take so much about life for granted;
relying more on our own meagre resources than the all sufficiency of our Creator God; when
He alone can supply all our needs, regardless of the circumstances, we find ourselves in?
For everything there is a season, this all-embracing declaration contains “a time for peace."
Like me, I believe most of us long for peace to reign in our lives, but if I were to ask you what
peace meant to you, it is likely your response would be: the absence of war or other hostilities,
tranquillity, serenity, freedom from strife, quarrels and disagreement; and harmonious
relationships. But there is so much more to peace than merely the absence of war or conflicting
opposition. Peace is the absence of fear, and the presence of faith in our hearts. Too often we
try to achieve what our modern world considers peace through mediums that inevitably proves
unsuccessful. Peace cannot be attained through the accumulation of material possessions and
wealth; neither can it be attained through our careers, nor our spouses. It can also never be
accomplished through our children’s achievements, or reached through the usage of
prescription, or in worst-case scenarios designer drugs. The reality is that none of these things
can give us a tranquil heart or a peaceful mind.
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Clearly, in spite of the comforts of our modern world, due to its many fascinations, and
temptations, peace of mind remains elusive and beyond its avant-garde possibilities. When we
consider this, a time of peace has got to be the universal vision of all visions for mankind.
Because a time of peace conveys reassurance and contentment; it restores confidence. It means
food for the starving, and health to the nations, and love to all mankind. Equally, in the world
as in our homes, a time of peace is a time of renewed expectation of hopes and dreams for a
better future. It is no wonder that at the birth of our Lord; “Peace on earth and goodwill to all
men” is the promise the angels brought to earth from heaven. This promise of peace was given
directly from God to us in the form of His only Son, but have we accepted this amazing gift?
We have been given “the peace that passes all understanding” but without our complete
acceptance, we can never truly experience its curative power!
To accept this gracious gift of peace is to acknowledge that everything that occurs in life, even
the cycle of opposites we find so bewildering, is in God's perfect timing.
Of course, this
means acknowledging who we are, that our future is unsearchable and that all things, the good,
the bad and the indifferent times, are fully in God's control. There is a season and reason for
everything; there has to be, because God has a definite purpose for each of us, and has
therefore predetermined the outcome of every condition. The peace God gives encourages
stability and contentment in spite of all the trials and difficulties of life. This is the nature of
our lives; there will be times of difficulties, and times of ease. Only, when our minds are
stayed on Him, when we put our trust in His power to control the issues of life, the perfect
peace of God gives us the ability to see beyond our out of control circumstances, and patiently
accept them as part of God’s divine plan for our destiny.
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Isaiah opened up this concept when he wrote: “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose
mind is stayed on Thee, because he trusteth in Thee” (26:3). When the storms are furious, as
the enemy attacks our minds with confusing, and conflicting emotions, the peace of God can
saturate our spirits, and provide a blissful respite in the midst of the attack. But, there are also
times when God may not rescue us from the storm, rather He supplies us with enough grace to
whether the tempest, thereby enabling us to emerge stronger and more stayed on Him. I have
found that often when we experience the unrelenting cycle of opposites, the darkness that
clouds out the light so heavily; that at times it seems to veil the very presence of God from us;
those times are to remind us of our own existence, our imperfections; our relationship with
others, and more significantly our relationship with God Himself. Accordingly, the cycle of our
seasons correlates to how we navigate our continuing journey of life. Though we go through
difficulties, if we have accepted Christ as our Prince of Peace, we are assured that even while
the storms are at their worst we can rest assured that “the peace of God, which surpasses all
understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7).
Jesus is our prime example of being peaceful during a storm… He simply grabbed a pillow,
found a dry spot, and slept. You and I would probably be like the panic-stricken disciples on
board (with Him) running around with whatever could be found to bail water from the boat.
Not so with Jesus; he was so secure in the knowledge that His father was in control of it all he
simply took a nap, and left the rest to God… Having been given such a wonderful gift of
peace from our heavenly father; the question becomes: why do so many of us still hold on to
the self-defeating propensity which allows the adversities and trials of life to cloud our vision
to the point we leave no room for the bigger picture of God’s purpose?
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So often we make the wrong decisions with no thought of the consequences; then with
hindsight become remorseful. Hindsight is always twenty, twenty; but it is no way to live a
purposeful life. If that was how we are to live, God would not have so graciously given us the
gift of insight; which we find in l Corinthians 2: 9 -10: “But as it is written, Eye hath not seen,
nor ear heard, neither has it entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared
for them that love him. But God hath revealed them unto us by his Spirit: for the Spirit
searcheth all things, yea, the deep things of God.” Hindsight is observation. Insight is
illumination. We err on the side of caution when our decisions are based on hindsight, instead
of our God-given insight. Paul clarified this truth when he wrote: “For God, who said, "Let
light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the
knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ” ll Corinthians 4:6. We need illumination
in order to live according to God’s plan and purpose. However, only the Holy Spirit can lead
us from hindsight to insight. “But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of
the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the
Lord” ll Corinthians 3:18. In hindsight, we learn from our past mistakes. With insight
however, we are better able to make right choices. But we are also blessed with the Spirit of
foresight. Foresight reveals the truth to us: “Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he
will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear,
that shall he speak: and he will show you things to come. He shall glorify me: for he shall
receive of mine, and shall shew it unto you.” John 16:13-14. Foresight is not observation or
illumination, but revelation. “The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but those things
which are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of
this law.” Deuteronomy 29: 29.
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Revelation is at the centre of all knowledge given to us by God. We find an explanation of this
in 2 Peter 1:3-9: “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness
through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he
has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them, you may participate
in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.” He has
provided the means whereby we are able to be partakers of the divine nature; but we can only
access these things through the revelation knowledge of the Word of God.
Revelation is defined literally as the uncovering or disclosure of something that is hidden or
previously unknown. In His goodness and wisdom, God chose to reveal himself. Revelation of
God is the manifestation of Himself to humankind in such a way that you and I can know and
fellowship with Him. It is also to make known to us the hidden purpose of His will by which,
through Christ, the Word made flesh, we have access to the Father through Christ, and come to
share in the divine nature. Through this revelation, therefore, the invisible God out of the
abundance of his love speaks to his people as friends and lives among us, so that He may invite
us into fellowship with Himself.
Jesus explained to Peter: “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to
you by man, but by my Father in heaven” Matthew 16:17. The knowledge of Jesus' Sonship
was not attained by human discovery, nor could it have been; it had to come from God alone.
In total, we can say that God has initiated the revelation of Himself to mankind. This revelation
is understandable to humankind, and makes it possible to know God and grow in relationship
with Him.
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The Bible is the source of God's revelation. In the written word, we can identify God, know
and understand something about Him. His will and His work, and point others to Him.
However, the distractions of this world are an ever-present burden, always exerting its will on
our lives from every angle. It constantly appeals through the senses, not merely to influence,
but to satiate. At times, it seems to bludgeon us into accepting its ways, and at other times, it
makes more subtle appeals to our flesh. Nevertheless, it is always an intrusion, shadowing our
vision and obscuring ethical and spiritual issues, making them indistinct and imprecise. As a
result, God's ways, though true and righteous, requiring sharp reasoning and clear
understanding, then becomes vague and abstract. The revelation of God transforms the
direction of our personal lives. By His gracious action through the Holy Spirit, He has granted
us the foresight or vision to make right choices. In other words, He has given us the
discernment to know where spiritual and moral choices will lead. Vision gives a mental
picture of results. It enhances our perception of what will occur or be produced if we pursue a
negative course of action. Thus, it increases our discernment and sharpens our perception about
the direction we should take. There can be no doubt about what vision produces, because we
know that; “where there is no vision the people perish.” (Proverbs 29: 18). Where there is the
vision, it motivates us to conduct our lives in the way that pleases God and produces love, joy,
peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, which in turn
brings us true happiness and peace of mind.
Determine to make a fresh start today, choose to live and not to hate; and believe in God’s plan
and purpose for your life. When we follow God’s perfect plan for our lives, with insight and
foresight, it’s amazing how quickly the darkness disappears, and the clouds of bitterness and
hatred veiling our vision from God’s purpose becomes translucent.
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Foresight, insight, and hindsight are the triple triggers to the fulfilment of living with a
purpose. Without any one of the three, the others have little focus. Remember “where there is
no vision, the people perish” Refuse right now to dwell on the hurtful things of the past any
longer. Begin to renew your mind with the transforming Word of God, and He will open your
spiritual eyes to the beautiful possibilities still to come in the seasons ahead. Today accept the
peace God gives, so that your healing can begin and your heart and mind freed from emotional
brokenness. Begin anew right now; start to reverse the process that the toxins of anger, hatred
and bitterness have produced in your mind, body and soul; so that you gain a true perspective
on your journey of life. Peace lifts us above the ebbs and flow of life; and the more peace we
have in our lives, the better able we are to remain serene even in spite of difficult times. Having
developed the inner vision to know that good or bad, the things that come against us are simply
experiences to shape us and make us more fervent.
Some of my life experiences have been exceedingly painful, but they have developed in me a
special sensitivity to others that are hurting. Only a loving Father could take such deep seated
emotional pains and transform them into destiny. I thank Him every day for what He has done;
and what He continues to do in my life, and so I know my future will be greater than my past,
and because I am certain of this, I now understand what Solomon meant when he wrote: “for
everything there is a season”… After my heart-crushing experience, I was faced with the
greatest dilemma of my being. How was I supposed to forgive and move one? However, I
learned from my painful seasons that every test contains several challenges, and each challenge
places a new demand on us to rise above the confusion in our minds, and not linger too long on
past issues but to break free from the things that would hinder us from reaching another level
of God's purpose for our lives. A confused mind filled with doubts, and fears hinder our access
to God...
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In 1 Corinthians 14: 33, Paul teaches us that, “God is not a God of disorder but of peace.” He
also wrote in his second letter to Timothy, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of
power and of love and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7). You see God wants to do more with
our lives, but there are times He can’t accomplish His intention, because we linger too long on
our past pains, and hurt, and such a victim nature cannot receive the revelation necessary to
move onward and upward to the next level.
No matter where you are right now emotionally; as with everything in life, the hurt and anger
will fade, and you would have learned more about life from your anguished encounters. I am
able say that with confidence; because God turned my life around from seasons of pain and
heartache to the point where I could confidently affirm I know “this too will pass.” The best
part is, when we allow God to restore our peace, we will boldly emerge from our suffering with
greater self-discernment, wiser, stronger and better able to accomplish the things of God and
self. Now I truly believe that is the best way to grow.
Today is a very auspicious day, make it the day you determine to let go of the “past”
completely, and step into your “time to be.” Don’t put it off any longer. Now is the time to
forgive those who have hurt you. It’s also time to forgive yourself for the negative emotions
and pent-up anger you have held on to for so long. It is time to put the unhappiness and sorrow
of your past into the hand of God, and continue this amazing journey of life, He has
predestined for you. Make a commitment right now to allow yourself to be who God wants
you to be. I
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t’s time to enter a new season of life, a season of new possibilities, and new relationships,
because God wants you to accomplish so much more, and by forgiving those who have caused
you pain, you will be free to do all that He desires to do in and through your life for His
Kingdom, and His glory!
Remember, in hindsight we learn from our past errors; with insight, we are better able to make
right choices. Foresight reveals the truth that empowers our lives. However, revelation charts
the course to our successes. You can accept these words of encouragement, or you can reject
them, but you can be sure of one thing, Our Time Will Tell.
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Chapter 17 ~ A Time To Be
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In this passage, Solomon applies his vast wisdom in exposing our human weaknesses, set
against the backdrop of the awesomeness of God's all-encompassing power. He wants us to
recognize the distinct poles of life; so that we come to understand, that these extremes have the
magnetizing effect of bringing us back to who we really were created to be, by unmasking our
relationships with God and with others. ‘For everything there is a season, and a time for every
matter…’ in contrast, a specific season of what we would term happiness is not included in this
chapter. Still, if there is a time for everything, then a season of happiness is clearly implied.
I'm sure most of us would relish such a season in its extended form; since instead of heartache
and sorrow, you and I know that what we really desire of life are times of blissful happiness.
Clearly, we must acknowledge; there is a time for everything, even though, we have no way of
knowing why, or when the time will come for birth, or death, to laugh, or cry, dance or mourn,
build up, or tear down, war or peace. But, we do know each of these things will
happen…because that’s the charted course of the journey of life. Even so, often times the
poles of life appear to blockade the happiness we so disparately yearn for. Somehow, it seems
to flutter just high enough above our orbits, like an elusive butterfly daring to come close, yet
determinately remaining just out of our reach. In Solomon’s view “That’s Life.” Throughout
each season, we may experience life as chaotic, time and chance, while at other times we may
experience life as though each event were deliberately calculated with us in mind. Well, that’s
exactly how we experience the rhythmic pulsation of life. Despite that, from time immemorial,
we human beings, from the cradle to the grave have been engrossed with the pursuit of
happiness. We exert such energy trying to attain happiness, without knowing exactly what
happiness means, due to our ignorance of the intricate nature of life.
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Dale Carnegie sustains this thought in his quote: “Everybody in the world is seeking happiness,
and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn't
depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.” Yet, so often when we have
experienced suffering, and pain, we crave the comfort, we believe happiness offers. While
there are some people, although already enjoying a greater level of happiness, are still not
satisfied, and strive for more in ways that can only produce less.
Accordingly, it must have been pretty much the same then as it is now, because Solomon
resolutely enquires in verse 9, “What does the worker gain from his toil?” Then declares in
verse 10, “I have seen the burden God has laid on men." Clearly, his view of our dilemma is
accurate; since from a strictly human position, our striving to find meaning in the things of the
world, in contrast to the opposing cycles of life that we actually encounter can indeed become
frustrating and meaningless. I believe the concept fundamentally has to do with recognizing
who God created us to be. That our futures are un-searchable, and all things are in God’s
purposeful control. Although we remain dependent on our future, which will always be filled
with the attributes we are shown in these verses. In fact, we sometimes need darkness to be
reminded of our own finite being; our transient existence and of our many-faceted flaws; given
that the cycle of our existence relates greatly to how we navigate the rest of the journey.
Solomon's earnest desire is for us to understand that there is more than the human world, and a
deeper wisdom than mere human wisdom. He has seen beyond the frailty of the human realm
and in wisdom contemplated the Creator’s design, and so recognized that “God made
everything beautiful in its time" and the “meaninglessness” of life from the human position
only becomes a thing of “beauty” when God's plans and purposes are considered utmost.
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Let's face it, the truth of the matter is God’s plan, and purposes are rarely taken into
consideration; since we have such a hard time relating to God’s plan and purpose anyway.
Especially, as there are countless factors that contribute to life altering diversions, and
distractions. Contemporary life is fraught with all manner of pressures, and irritations; and
giving our inclusive consideration to them rather than the purposes of God is a sure guarantee
of a more chaotic life. Since such distractions have the potential to take us over the edge and
keep us from enduring necessary trials or even pursuing godliness. But God, Who is our
peace, has empowered us to be victorious in all of life's conditions by way of harmony and
order. His ability to bring about order in our lives is certain and exceptional, and far surpasses
our own human methods. When we allow God to order our lives, we are fortified by His peace,
our faith is strengthened, our character developed, and our hearts made serene and indeed
Happy.
Such godly traits prevent us from being a part of everything and from everything
being a part of us. All anxiety, doubt, fear, hatred, anguish, denial, unforgiveness, and other
agents of darkness must surrender when we come against them with the peace and power of an
Almighty God.
Unfortunately, there are times we find it difficult to contemplate let alone believe that God is
working on our behalf until we are able to see some form of tangible solution. Of course that
is not the way God operates. God never ceases to work on our behalf; He works continually
behind the scenes, changing those things meant for evil to work for our good. He fights on our
behalf, righting our wrongs, and turning our failures into successes. In our seasons of distress,
we are to seek His face; and in our times of joy, we are to forget Him not… Psalm 97:11
assures us, “Light is sown for the righteous, and gladness for the upright in heart.” These are
the promises we should grasp when the disturbances of life threaten our peace of mind, reliant
on the knowledge that God keeps us in perfect peace when our minds are stayed on Him.
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God is a God of activity; He is constantly moving and working in our lives, shaping us in
accordance with His eternal purpose. Because of our human conditioning, we may find it
difficult to see how this could ever be possible. So that often when we pray and do not receive
an instant response from God, we believe we have been left to our own devises, to fend for
ourselves, and therefore, determine that God has rejected or overlooked our request. However,
we must in faith believe that He hears and answers every prayer; remembering: “we live by
faith, not by sight” 2 Corinthians 5:7.
What a wonderful testimony we find of God working on our behalf in Psalm 66: 5, which
victoriously proclaims: “Come and see what God has done, how awesome his works on man’s
behalf.” God will never leave us or forsake us. He is eternally working things out for our
good. However, there may be times when as our Heavenly Father, He lovingly says NO... or
NOT YET to our requests. Nevertheless, in faith we hold on to His promises, knowing that:
“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” Hebrews 11:1.
We learn from this verse that for God to comfort us, we need to be aware beyond any doubt of
His supremacy, and trust in His ability to use His power on our behalf. That may seem like
quite a tall order, especially when our situation is so desperate, it's difficult in our humanness
to figure out which way is up...
But in the valley of the shadows, God will illumine the
darkness and allow us even for a brief moment, to see a ray of hope for new life. And in that
instant, we are able to appreciate that the arms of our Father enfold us in His love even more
securely than we could ever imagine.
God's activity at times can be a disturbing force; but it
always has a progressive purpose; Furthermore, it is eternally a sustaining power.
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William Cowper who wrote the hymn God works in mysterious ways often struggled with
depression and doubt. One night he decided to commit suicide by drowning himself. He called
a cab and told the driver to take him to the River Thames. However, thick fog came down and
prevented them from finding the river (another version of the story has the driver getting lost
deliberately). After driving around lost for a while, the cabby finally stopped and let Cowper
out. To Cowper’s surprise, he found him-self on his own doorstep: God had sent the fog to
keep him from killing himself.
The first verse of his hymn reminds us: “God moves in a
mysterious way His wonders to perform; He plants His footsteps in the sea, and rides upon the
storm.” Even in our darkest moments, God watches over us. We can be sure he is working on
our behalf because the Bible says: “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will
understand.” John 13:7
Looking at the ways, God works on our behalf reminds me of the account in Matthew 8:23-27,
when Jesus’ disciples found themselves in the middle of a severe storm. The disciples were
experienced fisherman, Peter, especially. So we can accurately suppose that from past fishing
trips, Peter knew the Sea of Galilee was renowned for unexpected storms. The storm in this
account, however, was exceptionally furious. The force of the winds whipped up the sea into
such gigantic waves; that the boat flooded and was in danger of capsizing. Naturally, the
disciples became fearful and frantic, even with Jesus in the same boat, soundly asleep. I marvel
at the fact that Jesus could sleep so peacefully in the same storm that so petrified his disciples.
Tired, He slept unafraid of what the storms of life might do to him, confident that his heavenly
Father would always protect him. Verse 25 states: “The disciples went and woke him, saying,
'Lord! Save us! We're going to drown!' ” Unable to weather the storm in their own strength,
they called on the power of the Son of God to save them from being drowned. In such a storm,
the disciples felt threatened by a force outside of their control.
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They were fearful, consequently, doubting Jesus' divinity. He responds to their request, but
rebukes their doubt and fears: “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith” Matthew 8:23-27.
Could He be saying the same thing to us today?
There were other instances when Jesus encountered someone who either lacked faith or had
little faith. For example, the disciples in a boat on a lake saw Jesus walking towards them on
the water. Initially, they were frightened, believing Him to be a ghost. He assures them, He is
not; so Peter asks to come to Him on the water. “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter asked, “tell me to
come to you on the water.” “Come,” He said; then Peter walked on the water and came toward
Jesus” Matthew 14:28.
“Jesus said Come”. God calls us to do impossible things by faith; and
it must have taken an amazing leap of faith for Peter to step out of that boat, but he got out and
walked on the water! The Bible tells us: “Then Peter got down out of the boat, and walked on
the water to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, and cried
out, Lord, save me” Matthew 14:29-30
Peter was doing fine, but he reduced his faith level
when he started believing that the storm would overcome him. He could do the impossible as
long as he maintained his faith, by keeping focused on Jesus. However, he took his eyes off
Jesus, and began to sink. Had he kept his eyes on Jesus, he would have made his way to him
step after step, walking on the water. “Immediately, Jesus reached out his hand and caught
him, “you of little faith” he said, “why did you doubt?” Matthew 14: 31.
Then there was the father in Mark 9: 14-27, who brought his son with a mute spirit to Jesus for
healing, who openly admitted his unbelief. “Jesus said to him, if you can believe, all things are
possible to him who believes.” Immediately, the father of the child cried out “Lord, I believe,
help my unbelief."
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Naturally, many of us are inclined to regard these evaluations as a judgment for not having
faith and then by extension, transfer the evaluation to ourselves and indeed to others. But,
maybe it wasn’t so much a critique as an observation of our human failings. Intrinsic to our
human faults we believe today, and doubt tomorrow; which of course reveals wavering levels
of faith. However, I want you to notice something amazing in all of these Biblical accounts,
where individually or collectively, a little faith, a lack of faith, or unbelief was exhibited, each
account ended triumphantly. The raging storm was stilled; and what could have been a disaster
was transformed into victory.
When Peter began to sink and cried out for help, Jesus
immediately rescued him. As they climb back into the boat, the storm ceased; and Peter’s test
became the testimonies of all the disciples, as they worship Jesus, saying, “Truly you are the
Son of God.” Likewise, when He healed the young boy with the mute spirit, the father openly
admitted his unbelief; but Jesus still healed his son: “Deaf and dumb spirit I command you to
come out of him and enter him no more!” Wow! Request granted - victory achieved. We are
to be overcomers, so even when our faith is weak God is still strong for us.
In my seasons of extreme tests and trials all I related to was the hopelessness of my
circumstances. I foolishly allowed the painful condition I was in to chart my course, and
therefore, dictate the direction my journey took for far too many years. Consequently, I gave up
the right to my joy, my peace and what little faith I had left. In such a state of anxiety, I was
unable to understand that no matter how hopeless my position was, or how long it seemed to be
lasting, God was eternally working things out on my behalf… That He was still in control of
every aspect of my being. So I did not need to fathom why such daunting conditions had arisen
in my life, all I had to do was acknowledge that He was altogether aware of every issue I had to
face, and He alone had the power to transform, restore, and make right the things that
concerned me.
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I discovered too, that we are to be confident in the knowledge that God supplies us with
strength and enables us to rise above our anxieties. He promises this in Isaiah 30: 30-31, which
reads: “But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength.” The ordeals we endure
can indeed be unusual challenges, and so they may consume our vitality, cloud our vision,
blinker our expectation, and delay our destinies, but with faith in Him, we harness our
experiences positively, and persistently pursue, whatever He’s calling us to accomplish, and in
much of our trying situations, calling us to Him is exactly what He is doing!
When we
respond in faith however, God promises to work through our trials and to draw us closer to
Him. He raises us up on eagle’s wings, renews our strength, and guides us in the way we are to
travel. Making it possible for us to overcome the torment of the past and walk triumphantly
into our futures. Remember, our destinies can be delayed, but they can never be denied.
Have you noticed that the most irksome “seasons” of life are the ones from which we emerge
more resolute and resilient? Yet, while we were being anguished by conditions beyond our
control, our thoughts never ceased to revolve around the question: “when will all this come to
an end”?
We, however, prolong the agony of our state of affairs, when we doubt God, but
when we persevere with confidence, assured that whatever our position, it cannot destroy us,
because: “He acts for those who wait for Him; and makes His presence known” (Isaiah. 64:4).
I was completely crushed by the demise of my marriage. The sadness I felt was inexpressible;
and the pains hard to contain. I found it easier to share with others how I felt about the deaths
of my children, than how I felt about the collapse of my marriage and subsequent divorce.
Getting divorced is without doubt one of the most excruciating episodes a family can
experience.
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It not only relates to the agonizing failure of the marriage, but more so to the loss of time,
emotions, and the dreams, hopes and aspirations, on which that marriage was established. It
strikes at the core of our innermost fear of being discarded and unloved, and renders inadequate
the invested years of togetherness. This ruthless route to a marital end can be even more
anguished than the loss of a loved one through physical death, which at least has a finality to it
that often may have been inevitable. Needless to say whenever children are involved, the
effects are even more devastating.
Divorce universally signifies the legitimate end of a couple’s marital status. This unholy
separation of two people who once loved and shared their lives together can be an extremely
heart-rending anti-climax. Even so, I have observed that for some it simply signifies freedom
to embark on yet another relationship. Clearly, we are all aware that every ending births a new
beginning… As far as my divorce was concerned, I found it to be, not so much an ending, as
the enemy's plan for the total destruction of my family. Multi-faceted in its destruction, I was
traumatized by the devastation it caused. There were so many issues to deal with; which
created further conditions that hemmed me in on every side. I simply could not perceive how
to affect a fresh start, from the hell that had broken loose. Those of us who have experienced
such an afflictive end to our marriages know what I’m talking about, and you also understand
that devastation in such an absolute form takes many frustrating years to retrace. I had lost
someone who had been the major attachment figure in my life. He had been my companion,
my lover, my confidant, my ally, my best friend. He had provided my emotional security and
comfort; and had fathered my children. And so, on that April morning in nineteen seventy-four
a significant part of my life crashed and burned. I left the courthouse clouded with uncertainty
about the future, and wracked with guilt about our breakup. Nevertheless, it was time to
assume my new-found freedom, even if I didn’t want to be free.
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What a price for freedom though? The demand to fight against the inevitable was no longer
crucial. It was even unnecessary to carry out a post-mortem, since the cause of death was
already known. Death to our marriage was somewhat of a merciful release from what had been
a lingering and agonizing malady. There was simply no point in continuing to hurt, or blame
each other for the string of excruciating events, or the physiological malaises that had
destroyed our lives together so completely. Time had simply tolled for the disagreements to be
over and done with, that had driven our union to this point of no return. Now, there could be no
looking back, or turning back, this was the end of our journey together. For better or worse,
until death do us part, had plainly run out of time. I had to be clear about that in my mind, yet,
in spite of everything, had there been another option, I would gladly have jumped at the
chance.
To my lawyer’s consternation, I wanted no financial support from Lee for myself. Money
could not compensate for how isolated, bewildered and abandoned I felt. A clean break was
compulsory; no strings attached no connection and at that point in painful time, definitely no
further communication. Granted custody of our three children, I agreed that Lee could see
them, whenever he wanted to, as long as he never came back to my home to do so. And as far
as the children financial well-being was concerned, Lee was a responsible parent, so it was up
to him to make and maintain that decision the way he felt best. Although still traumatized by
all that had happened, I knew I had to accept the situation as over so that the healing process
could begin. I find it amazing that trauma actually gives us new vision. The foresight to
acknowledge that the path back from emotional devastation is one we ascend with our eyes
wide open. With renewed clarity, we are better able to perceive the pitfalls that seemingly were
unseen on the way down. The journey of life has changed direction again, and we must
acknowledge, and grieve that change, and then rise from it.
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Subsequently, it has been changing and alternating directions all the time, but oftentimes we
never noticed it until it became acute. Clearly, life is like that, and it is important to appreciate
that our lives move in a sequence of rotary motions. Sometimes clockwise and other times
counter clockwise, sometimes to the right and other times to the left, sometimes to our profit,
and other times regrettably to our loss. Some seasons bring opposition in the way life moves,
and our contentment is attached to how we manage the opposing forces, the ups and the downs;
the highs and the lows. Solomon expresses these life fluctuations in the beginning of chapter
three: “for everything there is a season, and a time for every matter." He constrains us to the
reality of the rotary motion of life, but then leaves it up to us to grasp the veracity of it all.
Since, during some seasons, life will move in the direction of the brevity of things, while
during other seasons, life calls attention to the eternity of things. We may ask, how do we live
life with its constant variations? The answer is by living it abundantly. Jesus tells us in John
10: 10 “I have come that they may have life, and have it more abundantly.”
Henry Miller in one of his quotes wrote, “The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be
aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware.” http://www.goodreads.com/quotes.
Abundantly means we are to live fully in every moment; to accept life as a gift from God and
live it as He intended, whether we undergo life as an adaptation from a dramatic screenplay, or
we enjoy it as that of a romantic novel. We are to experience fully the laughter at our family
celebrations; the weeping at our loved one’s funeral; the joy at the birth of another child; the
exhaustion of rearing our children; and of course, the serenity we acquire as we grow older.
The lessons we learn from each season’s experience can be alarming, but when we live life to
its fullest, we develop the capacity to grow, and travel on. Recovery may not be easy for many
of us; a broken limb only takes several weeks to heal; while the brokenness of a family’s hopes
and dreams, will take that much longer.
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In the journeying process of life, the storms of misfortune encircle us in an unrelenting current
that affect each of our lives. We have all encountered the blustery weather of disillusionment,
misery and heartbreak. Moreover, similar conditions such as disappointments and life-altering
challenges are inclined to occur for us all. Have we not all been betrayed at some point in our
lives by the tempests of circumstances and pounded by the violent storms of unhappiness? Or
collided with the reversal of fortune, and those periods when, in spite of our best-laid plans and
efforts, everything around us just seemed to crumble like dust. Then again, I’ve found out that
any catastrophe, including divorce, can actually be “God's wake-up call." There to demonstrate
that we need to make some radical changes in our lives. God is undeviating in His purpose for
us to be restored to His image. Sometimes we may not sense His nearness as powerfully as at
other times. Even so, we should never naïvely believe that He no longer wants to be a part of
our lives. It is our own erroneous actions and beliefs that allow our situations, and
circumstances to push His presence away from us. God's desire to be our Father never
changes. Sure, life will change, but God remains constant in His love for us. So while we
acknowledge God's unchanging character, we also have to accept the reality of life’s constant
changes. It is inevitable those changes will and do happen. From the small daily schedule
changes to the colossal life-altering catastrophes, changes will come. It is how we handle those
changes that determine who we become. Maybe some of us feel as if we are being pushed and
pulled in all different directions by changes; good and bad, trifling and titanic; and we find
ourselves having to constantly regulate, reorganize and rewrite, our daily lives because of those
changes.
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What life altering changes affects your life right now? Have those changes brought about
confusion, bewilderment, tension, anxiety, loneliness, fear, perplexity, loss of faith? For many
of us, it’s all of the above at times. It’s that point in time where we live chasing after the
dreams we want to accomplish, while chasing out the nightmares we would rather forget. For
good or bad, the changes in life will change us. During such times, we must faithfully
acknowledge; that God's grace and presence are right there with us through the never-ending
cycles of disturbances and adjustments. Job in his anguished response to his friends declared:
“You will pray to Him, and He will hear you.” When Joshua took over the leadership from
Moses God told him: “I will never leave you.” And Jesus’ promise to his disciples was: “I will
not leave you comfortless, I will send my Spirit.” These promises are for us today too.
God was actively working on my behalf to restore my life, but I was unable to appreciate it,
until I was brought to a place where I began to learn about how God works. I sought Nana
Bea's loving support, and in doing so, in our times of prayer and Bible study, I learned that
God’s activity is always around us, although oftentimes we are blind to His presence and grace.
That from time to time, in brief moments of illumination, He reveals His presence to us; a
glimpse here and a hint there. He allows us to catch sight of just enough to lift us from the
valley of despair. Think about it; if we could see all that God has to do to bring about the
transformation in our lives, it would probably terrify us... That’s why He works behind the
scenes, so that instead of experiencing terror, we experience the inner healing of His
transforming power, readily able when the ordeal is over to testify to His goodness and His
greatness.
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Sometimes we are given advance warning of a storm approaching.
The forecast is for
torrential rains with gale-force winds. At such a time, we have the opportunity to batten down
the hatches, and secure as much as we possibly can. Other times though, there is no warning,
and the torrential rain with gale-force winds takes us completely by surprise. Happening so
unexpectedly; the hatches are left exposed, and nothing is secured, simply because there was
no time to prepare. At such a time, we find ourselves in the midst of an out of control force;
that is bent on overwhelming us. Those are the times we need to call out to Jesus. Just as He
was present with his disciples in their storm of life, so He is with us in our storms of life. He is
there to enable us; He won’t leave us to struggle alone, or to drown in the engulfing torrent. He
is there to hear our pleas for help. He is there to answer us in the midst of our troubles. We are
sure of this because David tells us in Psalm 50:15: “Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will
deliver you, and you will honour me.”
Storms are a fact of life, of that there can be no doubt. So we should know how to weather the
storms when they come. We learn to weather the storms of life through faith and prayer. With
little faith, the disciples were frightened and frantic. But: “After he got up, he rebuked the
winds and the sea, and it became absolutely calm.” The disciples were panicking while Jesus
was sleeping calmly in the back of the boat. Sure, we might wonder how Jesus could sleep
through such a storm while his disciples were so alarmed; but this evidences the genuine
humanness and faith of Jesus Christ, who is both God and man. He needed to rest physically
the same as we all do; and so He slept, confidently knowing that His heavenly Father would
protect Him from whatever the storms of life could bring.
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The lesson I’ve learned from this biblical account, is Christ's ability to see us through the
storms we face in our personal lives. In our own strength, we cannot escape such outbreaks.
Neither can we insulate ourselves from the common experiences of life’s tragic events,
regardless of who we are. So when the storms of life threaten to engulf us, we too must rely on
Jesus to rebuke the winds and the rain. In our reliance, He will reveal to us, His activity, and
safely see us through the tempests. Whenever you face another storm remember this, if He can
rescue the disciples in the darkness of a night storm at sea, just think what He can do in the
storms you are facing; whether you see what He is doing or not, He never ceases to work on
your behalf, no matter how difficult your situation. To this end, James wrote: "Consider it
pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the
testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may
be mature and complete, not lacking anything” James 1: 2 - 4. We are not told in this verse, if
you face trials, but whenever you face trials; to ‘consider it pure joy’.
The combination of joy and trials in this verse presents something of an oxymoron. Since his
use of language combines ordinarily contradictory terms of expressions, such as: accurate
estimate, agree to disagree, the same difference, accidentally on purpose. Trials and joy as we
would normally interact with them are indeed contradictory terms. Joy is usually understood,
or experienced as something that occurs only during pleasant and agreeable times; it is not in
general associated with struggles or times of tests and trials. This view, however, is a rather
blinkered aspect of joy as God intended it to be. James teaches us, that joy is more profound
than we can conceive with our limited intellect. The joy God wants us to enjoy is unrelated to
our circumstances. Yes, joy is present in the pleasant and agreeable times. But God wants us to
understand that joy exists even in those experiences we consider soul shattering, because every
painful episode contains the promise of a future blessing. Life is a continuing process.
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Some season presents us with challenges we would rather not have to face. Nevertheless,
when we “count it all joy,” our challenges turn out to be blessings in disguise. In spite of it all,
no matter how severe a situation becomes, we can choose to affirm in faith, “There's a blessing
awaiting me at the end of this season of difficulties!”
During my severe seasons of testing and trials, it was indeed difficult for me to acknowledge
such a truth. Most days I was almost drowning in my own tears, from the demands of my job,
the unending struggle against the turbulent tide of my emotions, and simply trying to meet the
practical needs of my children. Perhaps your life is filled with tragedy and hardship;
undeniably, some of us encounter more of it than others. The supplies are endless for those
mourning the loss of loved ones, or parents agonizing over rebellious children. There is plenty
for those of us who have gone, or are going through the heartache of divorce. It’s taxing in
such situations to feel any joy at all. The question here is in such circumstances are we really
expected to “rejoice in the Lord?” Yes, because “joy in spite of sorrows” always rests on “joy,”
for the “joy “of the Lord is our strength.
Nana Bea occasionally reminded me of the timeless poem written by Robert Browning
Hamilton, which states: “I walked a mile with pleasure, she chatted all the way. It left me none
the wiser, for all she had to say. I walked a mile with sorrow and ne're a word said she, but oh
the things I learned from her, when sorrow walked with Me.” http://www. famousquotes.com.
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We all know how extremely difficult it is to be joyful when the circumstances we face are so
incapacitating. Most times we just want to find a “bolt hole” and cower there until the adverse
conditions run their course. Our normal response during those times is to feel sorry for
ourselves. It is also natural for us to question, “Why is this happening to me?” But even in
times of difficulties we can choose to be joyful. We can choose to rely on God and to believe
that He is indeed working things out for our good. Even though what we perceive may seem,
to the contrary. Then, if we take our eyes off the circumstances, and look to where our help
comes from, we will see our blessings are on the way.
When we walk by faith and not by sight, our confidence in God blankets, the pain, and enables
us to live joyfully in spite of what we’re experiencing. This juxtaposition of joy and trials
signifies we are in-between, past and future, that uncertain place in our lives that we simply
cannot fathom. But just taking it one day at a time with a joyful attitude can make the
difficulties more tolerable and the burdens easier to bear. Those who should have cared for us
may have been abusive. The people we loved may have disappointed us. But of this we can be
sure, God never will! He proved His love for us by sending His Son to this earth, who then
proved His love for us by willingly going to the Cross on our behalf. When we can truly
acknowledge that truth, and trust God, we will have “joy unspeakable and full of glory;” even
in the hard times. To this end, James wants us to understand that with a joyful attitude towards
our ordeals, our restoration is magnetized. When we are joyful, God can restore our lives to
something of worth, and in doing so, He is glorified, and we are blessed beyond all measure.
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As difficult as those lessons were to learn, I learned that in life, everyone gets wounded, at one
time or another; it’s a part of the growth process. In spite of this, how we allow our wounds to
affect us will determine the patterns from which we live out the rest of our lives. When we
allow God to heal our wounds, in His own way, and in His own time, we become whole again,
more conscious of the choices we have, and will make in the future. Joy opens our hearts and
makes us ready to live and serve beyond the extra mile. It brings us in touch with what our
souls are longing for; it makes us conscious of who He is, and who we are in Him, and thereby
frees us to love ourselves and others even more deeply.
We entered this world, with the innate assumption that our parents and carers would always be
there for us, that they would love us unconditionally; a sort of “unspoken contract.” When we
stood before God as husband and wife and vowed to love one another for better or worse, we
entered into yet another contract. The relationship between a sister or a brother, or the bond
between friends is yet another contract. Throughout our lives, we enter many different types of
contracts, it may be written, verbal or even unspoken; however, the disappointment we feel
when contacts are broken can have many devastating consequences on our lives. And we need
to be healed from the emotional wounds of a broken contract. Emotional healing, however, is
one of the most difficult in because our memories are absolute. However, healing an emotional
wound is much like healing a physical wound that has become infected, and it will not heal
until it has been properly treated. The consequences of living with an untreated emotional
wound leads to frustrations, feelings of anger, depression, hopelessness, sadness, and
insecurity. Our wounds if left untreated will contaminate the very quality of our lives.
Untreated wounds restrict our perception of life, and influences how we connect with others,
and more importantly how we control our lives generally. The solution is to identify the
infection quickly; and treat it lovingly.
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Although, that demands an honest self-analysis, of how we arrived at our emotional
destination. Then we are able to learn that love at times has conditions, we are unable to
control. That there will be times in our relationships when we come to realize that our spouses
no longer share the same level of commitment as we do. In the same way there may be times
sharing the same genealogy is simply not enough to sustain loving family relationships.
Regardless, of how painful those pills may be to swallow, the dosage prescribed is essential to
our process of healing. Without this healing process, we continue to allow our issues and
identity to become one and the same. Circumstances will create certain limitations; but
whatever life throws at us is not where we are to remain, constrained to a position of
helplessness, making do with unpleasant conditions controlling the way we live. Drastic
changes in our lives are rarely planned, yet when those changes come, we allow them to
become defining moments, by owning and embracing them.
We are all products of our
environment, but we can change how that environment defines us. We can move on to a better
life, like Jesus after his forty-day wilderness experience. We too can emerge fortified, and
empowered to conquer all that life can throw at us. Bur, whatever we focus on will influence
our lives.
That is why we need to be more proactive than reactive, because positive
determinations, materializes as positive outcomes.
I was blinded by disbelief to those truths when my life spiralled out of control. I was so
emotionally exhausted by the many decisions to be made. Consequently, my mistakes were
many, but I learned some valuable life lessons from the consequences of those errors. And in
the process of learning, I discovered the inner strength to travel the rest of my journey without
my husband, confident of the fact that God would chart the course for me, and walk beside me
all the way. And as I did, He blessed me with amazing friends, alongside my praying great
grandmother.
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They kept my hands raised, and my spirits high; and inspired my steps to a new life. At times,
we may fall down and skin our knees, but we should never allow those times to discourage, or
deter us from our goals! Life is not a destination... it is a journey! So we acknowledge our
pain, and the mistakes we have made, and start living again “one day at a time." For as Job
reminds us, “But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as
gold” 23:10.
I’d often heard the expression, “Time heals all wounds.” As I pondered this expression, my
reasoning found it hard to believe it in view of my particular experiences, since it was time that
had added so much to the sorrows I endured. And because of its far-reaching assumption; I
could only find it accurate on certain levels. Fair to say, this decision can never encapsulate
the feeling of having our hearts physically torn from our bodies at the break-up of a marriage.
Neither can it highlight the aches, the nightmares, the tears, the anger, nor the sadness induced
by the breakup of a once happy home. As a supposition, it could never compensate for what
you and I felt (and probably still feel) at the death of a child, although many years may have
now gone by. Conversely, Seneca reassures us with his emotive quote: “Time heals what
reason cannot." Now from my point of view, that’s a more accurate account of how time heals.
Seneca (Roman philosopher, mid-1st century AD) http://en.thinkexist.com
Still, because of my wounded reasoning, I suppress my anguish from myself and hid it others,
by pretending everything was alright. Until I learned that the expression of emotion, especially
heartache, is not a weakness, despite what I’d come to believe. Successively, I learnt to endure
the agony, so I could move past it. In acknowledging the agonizing condition, and attending to
it, I magnetised my healing process.
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Accordingly, I came to understand, “time will heal all wounds” but only when we make the
choice to accept time’s curative advantage. We should not cling to pain, but we should learn to
appropriately process the suffering and be strengthened by the experience. Subsequently, our
wounds will heal, and although the scars remain; they are simply appreciative reminders of
where we have journeyed from. In that way, time allows us to process the past, so that
ultimately, we grow stronger as a result.
When I look back at the twists and turns of my journey so far, and evaluate the progress that
has resulted from the experiences on my way, I imagine a room full of the people that came
into or exited my life during those seasons. As I look across the room, I can see many happy
faces, smiling lovingly at me, and as I greet, and thank each one for the love that we shared,
and relive the memories of the incredible times we had together, I am able to express my
gratitude to God for placing them so significantly in my life. Because of their love, I was
challenged and encouraged to become me. Oftentimes people come into our lives, and we
know immediately they were meant to be there…to provide us with a purpose, to teach us
valuable life lesson, or simply to help shape our lives, thus revitalising our passion, power and
purpose. I will be eternally grateful to every one of those individuals, since just by knowing
them, the very essence of my life has been transformed and enriched.
On the other side of the room though, there are some scowling faces, looking back at me with
disdain. My memories of those people are haunting, painful and marred with anguish. Even
so, I welcome them too, and thank God, He also placed them in my life. Without their
particular brand of menace, I would not have been brought time and time again to my knees,
and therefore, would never have grasped the depths of God’s love for me.
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Without their cruelty, I would lack the tenacity to overcome the pot holes on my pathway, and
so I give them my love unconditionally, even though they offered me none of theirs. You see
some people may cause things to happen to us that seem unbearable, heart-rending and unjust,
but, on reflection, and introspection, we come to appreciate that without their impiety, we
could not have realized our true potential, or acquired the determination to be the overcomer
God created us to be.
Then as I look down the centre of the room, faces of family members, and loved ones who are
home with the Lord come into view. Each of these amazing people affected my life in such
profound ways, but left this earth without me telling them how much they meant to me. I see
my dad, and Nana Bea, my children, my mother, and adoptive parents, Miss Gold, and so
many friends; had it not been for their timely intervention, their patience, and loving support, I
would never have learned to live life abundantly, or strive for the good life has to offer.
Neither would I have learned to love the Lord I had run away from, for so many years of my
life. And as the memories flowed, feelings of serenity filled my being, and in heartfelt
gratitude, I retrospectively esteemed each one for their love and kindnesses.
There’s an old saying: “The wise learn from the mistakes of others; while everyone else has to
learn from their own.” I really believe we should develop that to incorporate not only mistakes,
but successes as well. In truth, we all learn from one another. People come into our lives for a
reason, season or a lifetime. When we can figure out which it is, we are better able to discern
how to fine-tune every association.
Generally, when someone comes into our lives for a
reason...it is usually to meet a need we have expressed.
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They are there to assist us through a difficulty, to offer us direction and encouragement, to
sustain us physically, emotionally, and spiritually. They appear to be Blessing, and they are!
Because, they are there for the purpose, we need them to be.
At a point in time, the
relationship may come to an end. Then we must realize our needs have been met. Their work is
done; and the time has come to end the relationship, and move on. Other times, people come
into our lives for a season... Then it’s our time to share, nurture, and learn. They connect with
us in order to generate an experience of peace, to teach us something we still have to learn.
Ordinarily, on their part, they convey incredible happiness. On our part, we accept its reality,
and appreciate the association will only last for a season.
Accordingly, all long-term relationships teach us lifetime lessons. Lessons we then develop in
order to build a solid emotional foundation. Painful or joyous, genuine attachments should not
be taken for granted. Whatever the outcomes, we accept the lessons, evaluate the experiences,
show unconditional love to everyone, and employ all we have learned in future relationships.
When was the last time you contemplated just how blessed and favoured you really are? You
are exactly where God has positioned you to be for such a time as this, despite the events that
caused hardships or misfortunes. Regardless of the difficulties, the journey is not being
navigated alone. God presides over our destinies. I know this to be true, because as I look back
over my life, I appreciate, I am who I am, and where I am in my life, because of those people
that God placed there for influential value, whether they were there for a Reason, a Season or
my Lifetime. The friends I still enjoy, and value so much, and even those that have meandered
away, has left behind them unforgettable memories that I will always cherish.
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God had made everything beautiful in its time, and because He has, I am grateful for all the
people I’ve met in my lifetime that opened their arms, gave me a listening ear, a shoulder to cry
on, allowed me to belong, gave me love and taught me how to love, with an open mind and a
free spirit. There are many reasons why people are essential to our lives. The people we meet
affect our lives in many different ways; since both the triumphs and failures that we experience
create who we are. The harmful experiences can be learned from too. In fact, they are probably
the most poignant and significant ones on the journey.
Just look back over your life, think
about all those you've come in contact with, people that have been in your life, pleasant or
unpleasant, either for a reason or a season. Then forgive the abusers, the time stealers and the
heartbreakers, and embrace with love the friends who still remain; and be thankful that you are
so much better off because someone, somewhere, somehow, came as a friend at a point in your
life when you desperately needed one. Cherish every day; appreciate every moment, and drain
from it every last drop that you possibly can, for you will never be able to travel that day again.
Time is an absolute, that’s equal to everyone, so engage time the best way you can. Wasted
time cannot be purchased, hoarded or returned, - it can only be spent as is, and then it’s
exhausted! Time is a priceless treasure! Appreciate every moment you have and remember
that time waits for no one.
I recently read this article in an e-mail a friend sent, so the source is unknown to me, but I
would like to share it with you: “Imagine there is a bank which credits your account each
morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day, allows you to keep no such
balance, and every evening cancels, whatever part of the amount you had failed to use during
the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course! Well, everyone has such a bank.
Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off,
as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance.
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It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the
remains of the day. If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going
back. There is no drawing against the “tomorrow." You must live in the present on today’s
deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success. The clock is
running, so make the most of today.
To realize the value of one year, ask a student who has failed a grade.
To realize the value of one month, ask a mother who has given birth to a
premature baby.
To realize the value of one week, ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of one day, ask a daily wage labourer who has kids to feed.
To realize the value of one hour, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of one minute, ask a person who has missed the train.
To realize the value of one second, ask a person who has avoided an accident.
To realize the value of one milli-second, ask the person who has won a silver medal in the
Olympics. Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it
with someone special, special enough to spend your time…. And remember that time waits for
no one. Yesterday is history; tomorrow is a mystery; today is a gift. That is why it is called the
Present” ~ Unknown Author. Every new day we are given an opportunity to realize just how
amazing the journey of life can be. As imperfect as we are, God gives us a 86,400 seconds;
again and again, with each new day, more than enough for another chance at life; another
possibility to decide to start all over again, if we didn’t get things right the day before. Every
triumph we will achieve starts with a decision to begin again. Don’t leave it as long as I did,
use the next twenty-four hours to make a brand-new start, forget the failed efforts and give life
another chance. Take it from me, we can appreciate each 86,400 seconds, or we can take each
86,400 seconds for granted, but sooner or later, Our Time Will Tell!
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Chapter 19 ~ Our Time Will Tell
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When we consider the seasons we have endured, and appreciate that it was with God’s grace,
we outpace each milestone on the journey of life, it should be evident by this juncture that,
“time waits for no man,” yet, more often than not, we take it for granted anyway. Seemingly,
we believe that with time on our hands and time to kill; we can also make time; and of course
find time; unaware of the fact that time advances inexorably, and we can neither have it, kill it,
make it, nor find it. Since in actuality, time is one of the most precious gifts that God has given
of Himself to mankind. Even so, the young insist on speeding it up, while the desire of the old
is for it to slow down. Some are unwittingly trying to recall it, while others remain suspended
in it. Often, we waste it by not using it wisely. Then find, as many have cried “I wish I could
turn back the hands of time.” The thought being they could somehow recapture the past, and in
so doing, right the wrongs of yesterday. Yet, the old cliché affirms, “Time waits for no man.”
Many people waste money and the wise among us would see that as a relatively acceptable
norm for those who have more than enough of it. However, for those who have to earn it, by
labouring long and hard, that action would justifiably be considered, a simply foolish
endeavour. In contrast, what about time wasting, what is the sagacious judgement on that
conduct? Subsequently, once it’s gone, it’s gone forever. There is no earning it, there is no
exchanging it, and neither can it be purchased. As a caution on the error of this action,
Benjamin Franklin wrote: “If life is made up of time, then he who wastes time is life’s greatest
prodigal.” http://en.proverbia.net
All of us whether famous or still in obscurity have been granted exactly the same amount of
time each day, each week, and each year.
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There is no one alive on planet earth that has been given more time than anyone else.
Accordingly, our lives consist of time, moments in time and the extended periods of time that
we categorize as seasons of the year, and that of life. Accordingly, time is of extreme
importance to life; which means that each day you and I must transact a quantity of this never
to be redeemed gift for the things we are to purposefully accomplish on our journey of life.
In defining the concept of time, I once read an article that stated: “time was a non-spatial
continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through
the present to the future.” The scientist Isaac Newton then defined how we think of time as:
“A flowing river moving at a constant speed from the past to the future, never deviating, never
changing. We are born. We live, and we die. A tree is planted, grows, is felled, cut up, and
becomes a house. Snow and rain fall in the mountains, gather into brooks and streams, and
merge into rivers that flow into oceans. Tectonic plates collide. Mountains emerge, are
assaulted by wind, rain, and rising water, and eventually erode back to the plains from which
they arose." http://www.argee.net/Thrawn/Rickle/htm. When we consider such evocative
images of time, it naturally generates certain thought-provoking impressions about our
existence here on earth. Since the irretrievable sequence of occurrences through the past,
present and future contains within it all life, from the cradle to the grave. Accordingly, not one
of us can alter the sequence of events of the past, but we can modify our reactions to the
painful episodes we have endured, “here and now” in order to appreciate the divine destiny that
God has in His heart for each of us. Achieving this purpose means forgetting those painful
episodes; because the improvements to life that we desire can never materialize until we have
put the past fully behind us. Paul encourages us to do exactly that in this verse: “Forgetting
those things which are behind … I press on toward the goal” Philippians 3:13.
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Not dwelling on the past was one of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn. Looking back
at my times of anguish, grief and heartache was my prime focus, which distorted my cognitive
ability. I really believed that the only way to stop myself from ever being hurt again was to
keep everyone at a distance. Nana’s reaction to my conduct was a timely warning: “it looks
like you're heading for deep waters, child you’d better know how to swim.” In next to no time
the spirit of excitement and the desire to interact or to socialise generally, a flair I had spent so
many years developing moved out of my life and a reclusive spirit moved in and took charge of
everything I then tried to accomplish. I saw life, and those I’d loved as rejecting me and in
processing those negative thoughts, I rejected myself, and everyone else. Instead of addressing
the truth of my situation, I obstructed the flow of life as it should be lived with my selfdestructive actions. In pursuit of survival from further heartaches, the walls I then built around
myself became as impenetrable as the walls of Jericho. Subsequently, instead of protection, I’d
entrenched myself in a stronghold of my own making, and caused myself even more anguish.
The pains we have endured at the hands of others are injurious, but the pains we inflict on
ourselves are crueller, because when we become self-abusive it threatens the very flow of life
that God intended for us.
We develop a self-abusive spirit by inflicting unreasonable restrictions on our lives, and then
justify our actions by referring to our damaging activities as our coping mechanisms. But,
when we live our lives in such a way, we are not coping at all. What we have achieved is to
jump out of the frying pan of the emotional agonies of the past, right into the fire of the present
emotional agonies of our own creation. Oftentimes, we are unaware that we are acting in this
way, but let me share this with you, because this is how I lived for a very long time.
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Abusive limitations include categories, such as, self-harm, self-destructive relationships and of
course alcohol and substance dependence. Many who have experienced a depth of sorrow can
to some degree relate to one or all of those props. However, for many who experienced trauma
following years of sexual abuse, and feels “emotionally bankrupt” they will generally shut
down by dissociation, which is primarily another coping mechanism that is classified as selfabusive. This particular form of emotional detachment wavers between two explanations. In
the first sense, it denotes our inability to associate with others on an emotional level, or as a
means of evading the perplexing issues of life, which in basic terms is merely a another method
of “numbing” the condition and not addressing it at all. In the second sense, it is a type of
perceptual assertiveness that allows us to maintain our boundaries when faced with the taxing
demands placed on us. In this state however, we are simply hiding our desperate beliefs of
hopelessness, the emptiness we feel due to unresolved issues, fear, anger, insignificance, and
the loneliness we live with. Guilty of the fact, that we have buried our own ability to express
what we really think, and so become terrified, of being devalued further, should we dare to
open our mouths, and challenge the conduct of others.
Consequently, what we have
accomplished in avoiding one set of issues is to create others that in turn produce more feelings
of anxiety, cynicism, and low self-esteem. As far as can be seen we appear natural, even
happy, (or so those around us believe); but internally there is a thought empowered bulldozer
excavating that hollow, and as long as the quarrying continues, there will always be a void
inside of us crying out to be filled.
Isolating myself sent me into such a depressive state that at times I felt as though I had lost my
mind. The lowest point of my life found me questioning my perception of reality, especially
the purpose of my being, and my function as a mother to my children.
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The worst times were after they had gone to bed, when all that disturbed the stillness were the
soft sounds of the throbbing of my own pulses, or the echoes of my footsteps walking down the
hall. I loathed the aloneness, I had gone to such lengths to secure for myself, that left me with
only my thoughts as friends, no one around to reassure, to comfort me, or even to refute the
validity of my reasoning. But, Nana Bea persisted on blowing the trumpet, and marching
around the bastion I’d created, and although it took a while, those walls came crashing down.
We have greatly underestimated the power of the mind, considering that everything we say or
do, originates there; and whatever we dwell on becomes the reality of our world. Our personal
beliefs are the deciding factor on how we view life. Whether they are emotional or logical our
estimation of successes and failures depends exclusively on the framework of those beliefs;
since they provide the structured process through which we evaluate how we live our lives.
Through the narrowing portals of our invalid beliefs, we then try to make sense of the events
that have confronted us. And the more entrenched we become in what we believe, the more we
rely on that judgement to predict possible future outcomes. By doing so however, we allow
those beliefs to become our “systems are go controllers.” So that whatever we perceive,
experience, think or feel is fine-tuned to correspond with the views we already hold. Only we
know who we really are; the things we think and feel, what we desire, intend to achieve or fear
to attempt. Our current “self-image” is the sum total of a collection of vivid impressions, and
painful events.
Like holiday souvenirs, they are the keepsakes, reminders, triggers and
prompts, which we have collected on the journey of life, that are now filed haphazardly in the
banks of our memories. Those impressions influence our physical, emotional, and spiritual
well-being. The mind is an extremely powerful medium that either encourages or discourages.
Left to its own devices, it overwhelms us with anxieties, fears, doubts and the mental messages
of negative self-perception, which produces further anguish, and misery.
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The dilemma during those seasons of my life was I couldn’t figure me out, so had no clue
where I belonged or who I should become. Naïve to the truth it was the negative views I was
holding on to that had created my self-image of worthlessness. I could not accept that they
were false, because they were so real to me, and so I permitted them to take control and to
dictate every aspect of my life. Those fallacious beliefs had accumulated over time, through
the things I’d done, both wrong and right. The people I’d known and loved, who either didn’t
return my love, or did so inappropriately. Those experiences were appended by other
experiences, of high, and low, joy and sorrow; combined with my cultural framework, and the
things I’d been taught, at home, at school, in church, and on the job. Each with their own
particular brands of do’s and don’ts, where, when, whys and wherefores, had woven together
with the threads of heartache, yearning, and grief, to fashion the tapestry of my thinking. It is
from this chaotic collection of impotent values that I’d evoked the image of my sense of self,
and believed that was me. But my judgment was wrong, that was not who I was at all. The
Devil is a liar! When I finally learned that truth, it illumined the darkness of the world that I
had chosen to inhabit, and had become totally dependent on as my point of reference. You see,
our vision of reality is essentially a creation of our own making through the beliefs we hold on
to. Our personal systems are go controllers, will then dismantle and reconstruct everything to
conform to our flawed perceptions of life. Although, this may not even be a conscious process
since much of what we have come to accept as actual were established during our formative
years, and have long outlasted their significance, but since they have never been challenged or
re-defined, they remain set in stone. Some of our beliefs are more than likely remnants from
environments and incidences that in the present position of our lives are also no longer
relevant, yet we hold on to them for dear life anyway; overlooking the truth that what we focus
on magnifies into our reality. I have wondered many times why we find it so difficult to be
liberated from the anguish of the past and advance confidently towards our destinies.
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Given, we do not enjoy the painfulness of past experiences; yet, we somehow remain trapped
by them, and allow them to wound us even more deeply. Life can only be appreciated in
reverse motion, but it must be lived in forward motion if we are to overcome the obstacles, and
complete the journey whole.
From such a battleground of confusion in my mind, anything I tried to stand straightway up
capsized; and no matter what I filled up, it leaked out, as my “systems are go controllers”
functioned in response to my thoughts, and inner desires. You see, our thoughts never cease,
even while we are asleep, our minds are still fully occupied; thinking, processing, making
decisions, updating, reviewing, scheduling; like a personal computer, it never closes down. As
a result if our thoughts are defective, chances are our lives will be defective too. James Allen
in his Timeless Classic “As A Man Thinketh," wrote this as his opening in the first chapter:
“The aphorism, “As a man thinketh in his heart so is he,” not only embraces the whole of a
man's being, but is so comprehensive as to reach out to every condition and circumstance of his
life. A man is literally what he thinks, his character being the complete sum of all his
thoughts.” We are the designers of our own lives, so, every thought we develop creates a
reality. For example, if we see ourselves as valueless and pitiable, then we become valueless
and pitiable. But, if we see ourselves as victorious overcomers, then we become victorious
overcomers. Thought for thought, we generate further anguish for ourselves as an after-effect
of our focus. When our attention to our thoughts are repetitive, we naturally act on them
without thinking, until they become second nature to us, so that even when we desire to do
otherwise, we remain governed by the relentless patterns of those negative thoughts. This
second nature has become an innate part of our being; but it does not complement how we live.
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The poem, “My Name Is Legion,” written by Edward Sanford Martin, uncovers something of
the struggles we encounter as we engage life’s battles. We sometimes live in reverse motion,
due to the duality of our thinking, thereby doing the wrong things, when we really want to do
what is right, and so become perplexed, confused, and immobilize by the difficulties, we are
unable to surmount, since our thoughts are contrary to how we actually desire to live. Let’s
consider his words: “Within my earthly temple there’s a crowd; There’s one of us that’s
humble, one that’s proud, There’s one that’s broken-hearted for his sins, There’s one that’s
unrepentant, sits and grins; There’s one that loves his neighbour as himself, And one that cares
for naught but fame and self. From much corroding care, I should be free, if I could once
determine, which is me.” “My Name Is Legion” - in Obert C. Tanner, Christ’s Ideals for
Living - 1955, p. 118.
Have you ever faced such a conflict of opposition in mind and heart? I did for many years. I
simply had no idea who I was. Unable to determine, who I was, I defined myself by my
circumstances. I lived in a converse world where I felt defeated by the many struggles in my
personal life, in my relational life, and to my constant shame, the fact that I had no spiritual
life. I was appalled by my thoughts, my actions and reactions to day to day issues, but instead
of resolving those challenges, I fully accepted that was how my life was meant to be. The
foundation of my thoughts was failure, inadequacy, and doubt and so every one of my plans
failed.
If you have been living like I did, for it to change, we must take control of our thoughts so that
they can no longer control us. We must face the enemy within and demolish every deceptive
thought that enters our mind, in order to destroy what has become a stronghold in our lives.
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Paul knew just how significant taking control of thoughts meant to our lives, that he wrote:
“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight
with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish
strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the
knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” 2
Corinthians 10: 3-5. Initially, I really found it difficult to take my thoughts captive to the
obedience of Christ. I could see the wisdom in it, but to actively apply it to my life was like
trying to paint a wall white using black paint.
So, I continued to labour over my
circumstances, and of course, the outcomes persisted. It took me a while, but I came to the
point of knowing beyond any doubt that the problem with “labouring over circumstances” in
thought is that we end up reproducing the same conditions; and all we then achieve is
relentlessly reaping the harvest we have sown. The zero per cent repetitive return on my
thought investment, made me realize that it was the effects of my actions that was re-paying
consequential dividends. Frequently, we permit our thoughts to wander, without appreciating
the need to control them. I was slow to realize this caution, and had to learn the “hard way”
that my actions had consequences, and they could be extremely destructive to me and to others.
Yet, when we become conscious of the consequences of our actions, we naturally play the
blame game for what was clearly a direct result of our own autonomy.
To secure a greater return on the seeds we sow into our lives, it’s time to consider a more
effective method. Paul didn’t tell us not to think, nor did he recommend taking captive only
certain thoughts. His counsel was to take every thought captive; which means whenever a
thought enters our minds, we must be prepared to apprehend that thought and examine it in a
heartbeat. The responsibility is ours to decide whether it is in accord with God’s purpose for
our lives, or merely the focus of our own flawed perception.
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The questions should become: “Is it, a destructive or a constructive thought; is it motivating
our development, or immobilising our progress? Does it heighten our awareness or does it
lower our self-esteem? Is it supplying us with peace or stealing our joy?” We then take
captive every thought that is not beneficial to our progress, from the position of a renewed
mind. When there are obstacles to our thinking process, we only see what we want to see, or
what we have come to consider real. In order to be clear about who we are, and whose we are,
and more significantly the divine plan of God for our lives, a renewal must take place. Paul
advises us to do this in Romans 12:2: “And do not be conformed to this world, but be
transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and
acceptable and perfect will of God.” The restoration of our lives comes from the renewing of
our minds. God has blessed us with a mind so that we can understand the phenomena of
experience through our reasoning ability. The mind is where we evaluate concepts; desire,
hope, dream, and make choices, but when our thoughts are left to their own devices, they
hinder us learning from experiences that are vital to our growth.
Even when we aren't
consciously aware of it, we instinctively grasp negative notions; automatically storing in our
memories the barren opinions of others about ourselves and the world around us. As a result,
we readily accept a particular perception of a past experience and assume that future events
will produce the equivalent. It is only when we increase our knowledge of the truth of God’s
word that we are able to call the thoughts that frustrate our development “liars” and render
those earlier certainties worthless.
In Philippians 4: 8-9, we are giving the criteria that should guide our thoughts by the apostle
Paul. He says: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,
whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable— if anything is excellent or
praiseworthy— think about such things.
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Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me— put it into practice.
And the God of peace will be with you.” We can overcome those tormenting thoughts in our
lives by taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Jesus Christ. Sounds like a
good starting point to begin chipping away at our current thought patterns, and realign our
thoughts with God’s thinking, and His word. We can and must be transformed by the renewing
of our minds. God created us with the capacity to think because the mind is the gateway to the
heart; and so, our beliefs should be examined as to their authenticity; especially when we
realise that our perception is negative and self-limiting; because it is from this self-limiting
viewpoint, that we then define ourselves in lifeless terms.
We make the choice to succeed or fail, no matter what others try to impose on us; the final
analysis is decided by what we think of ourselves, and how we take action on what we think.
The truth is that often we define ourselves in relation to someone or something else, or by our
accomplishments, personalities, or goals in life. As a child I grew up defining myself in
relation to my father and his extended family. People knew me because of my dad, and those I
was related to. I would simply introduce myself according to whichever family member I was
with when asked… this is my dad. This is my Nan, or this is my aunt… I rarely ever mentioned
my name was Faye. Later on I introduce myself as Lee’s wife, my children’s mother, or by the
position of my employment. Have you noticed just how often we tend to do that, tell someone
what we do; allowing for only a proportion of who we are to apply as the sum of the whole of
us? I’m a Pastor... I’m a social worker... I work for Southwark... I’m retired now... or we
define ourselves in relation to where we live...
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Before we can recreate a constructive reality, we must first become aware of the power of our
thoughts, particularly those we consider about ourselves. Our environment may have been
characterized by the absence of affection, betrayal, heartache, grief, abuse and taxing trials that
has resulted in crushing our spirits, and turning our gaze inwards. We must understand
however, that in the face of the torments, that mankind and our environment have visited upon
us, it was inevitable that we would have absorbed the falsehoods, and filled up on the negatives
we still hold on to. But, understand also that by the grace of God, we have outlived the
anguishes of previous seasons, and it is not by chance that we are where we are today. That
should compel us to appreciate, we are sturdier and more resilient than we have allowed
ourselves to suppose. Our intrinsic nature may be so weakened through the continual pressures
we have had to face, until we find life unbearable at times, but, there is help available for us.
God Invites us to: “Call unto Me and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things,
which you do not know” Jeremiah 33: 3. This promise indicates that no matter what confronts
us, heart ache, grief, loneliness, loss of job, family breakdown, terminal illness or some other
life-altering struggle; God is right there in the midst of it all. You may be disturbed by the fact
that you are still single, or in a loveless marriage. Maybe your partner has died, and you are
facing life alone, or you no longer have contact with the children you spent years pouring out
your loving all for. These are the pressures of life that we allow to disturb us, but they do not
disturb God. This awe-inspiring quote by Whitley Phipps, portrays times of sorrow, but then
emphasizes the times of joy still to come. “It is in the quiet crucible of your personal private
sufferings that your noblest dreams are born, and God's greatest gifts are given, in
compensation for what you've been through.” The truth of this inspiring appraisal of life has
enabled me to realise that I had lived a lie for many years. All that I had gone through was
simply the method God used to guide me to where He wanted me to be. As the truth of God’s
purpose for my life unfolded it was hard to put into words the sense of liberty I enjoyed.
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I pray now as Paul prayed in this verse that your eyes will be opened today so that you too will
experience the incomparably great power of God’s transforming love: “I pray that the eyes of
your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called
you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great
power for us who believe.” Ephesians 1:18.
When I finally grasped this truth and submitted anew to Jesus Christ as Lord of my life, and
my heart to the liberating power of the Holy Spirit, my deepest longings were satisfied; and the
eyes of my heart saw with clarity the captivating and divine beauty of a loving Saviour that
touched me so deeply. Far too long I had turned my back on the things of God. I had no time
for God, so left Him out of the circumstances of my life. The things I had learned in church as
a child, the loving counsel I had received from Nana Bea, Esmay and Frank, Sister Florence,
and many others that God had placed in my life, as He stretched out His hand to me in timely
intervention, had been dismissed as idiocy; since I was blinded my own inability to accept as
true the very love of God. I refused to believe that God could love me, and still allow me to
encounter such tragedies in my life. I spent my childhood without a mother’s love, had to
leave behind my family and the country of my birth, to live with years of sexual abuse.
By
running away from that abusive environment I live on the streets, and then in an institution;
followed by a short lived happy family life. I also had to endure the trial that wrongfully
imprisoned my father for manslaughter. Later, a fire destroyed my home, leaving me with
scars as a constant reminder of that day. Also, the deaths of my children, and the breakup of
my marriage, and divorce. From those episodes of life, I was left alone to start all over again,
even though I was ill-equipped to forfeit the life I had already come to know.
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I had neglected God’s values and what it meant to live by those values. I had ignored the
reality of the Bible, and devalued the significance of God’s Word. And although my world
was in chaos, I persisted in my disregard of the ever-present Saviour that held my life in His
hands. I had foolishly asked where was God when I needed Him, instead of pouring out my
gratitude to Him for His constant care, as he walked with me through the valleys, over the
mountain, and in every stormy wind that had blown through my life. Blinded by the torments
and disasters of life I failed to recognise that it is in this backdrop of the valley of shadows,
adversity and sufferings that God comes to us as a shepherd and assures us: “And surely I am
with you always, to the very end of the age.” God had been with me through it all, even though
I had no confidence in His love for me.
Luke 15:7 states: “All Heaven rejoices when one sinner is repentant.” I am sure this had
something to do with the delight I felt, and the overwhelming sense of peace that pervaded my
being when I acknowledged the power of God’s love for me. That discovery marked the
turning point in a life affected by pain and scarred by heartache. The longing to be and to
become was soothed by the indwelling Spirit of an awesome God. You see, we are all created
with the innate desire that magnetises us to God.
Our inherent desire may be for
accomplishment; to become someone significant, so that we can make such a contribution that
will inevitably have a lasting impact on our world. But, the greatest desire in every human
heart, whether we believe there is a God or not; is the assurance that we are loved by Him. That
deep-seated hunger leaves us empty, until it has been satisfied by an encounter with God. In
that very moment, He quickens the dormant spirit within us so that our longing to be becomes
our purpose for life. God has a plan for our lives, before we were formed in the womb God
knew us, and before we were born, He set us apart, and then promised:
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“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to
harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” Jeremiah 29:11. The impression I get from this
verse is that God looked down through the corridors of time and identified what each of us
would need to become His purposeful intention. God is the Master architect, who leaves
nothing to chance, so destiny is not accidental; the plan for each of us was designed before the
dawn of creation. He has preordained our days, governs our circumstances, charts our courses,
and made available to us His all sufficient mercy and grace, so that we could endure each
chapter of our life’s account by our reliance on Him to meet us at our every point of need.
When we are absolutely dependent on God, our story becomes His-story, and we are
empowered to walk in the divine destiny He has prepared for us. It is all a matter of choice; it
is not something we are waiting for. It is for us to achieve, because we have a destiny to fulfil
that is “exceedingly abundantly above all that we can ask or even think” Ephesians 3: 20.
To be liberated from the anguish we endured in the past, we must be willing to submit our lives
to God here and now. It took me many agonising years before I grasped that certainty and
applied it to my life. You see, God has given us free will; and never compels us to do what we
choose not to. The choice is left to us to submit our lives to Him, so that the renewal can take
place, and restoration accomplished. There can be no doubt it takes a great deal of
determination to achieve this, but achieve it, we must. Submitting to God means we accept
Him as our Lord and Saviour, ready always to yield obediently to His directions; this is a vital
key to the process of transformation; because God has promised: “You will seek Me and find
Me when you shall search for Me with all your heart” Jeremiah 29: 13. This promise is fully
guaranteed. It is “Yea and amen”; but we can only seek God, and find Him with all our hearts,
when we are yielded to Him.
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When we make that total commitment to God, we are empowered to change our thoughts and
our actions, so that we can be victorious over the life that has been persistently governed by
past experiences. The quality of life from then on is so evident, there can be no doubt a divine
transformation has taken place; since the contrast to the old way of life is so incredibly
different!
The change is manifested in every area of our lives, personally, emotionally,
relationally, and most significantly in our oneness with God. There is now a glorious future
ahead of us, for we have been endowed with God’s power to make His way, our way of life.
Not one of us can create a brand-new start without God, but starting today we can create a
brand-new ending with Him.
In renewing my personal relationship with God, I recognised that the great longing in me to
know who I was and to understand my position within the vastness of creation was ultimately
dependent upon His action of reaching out to me, and my obedient response to Him. It was
then I knew with confidence that I was created in His image, to reflect His beauty. As His
divine handy work we are more “like God” than any other being vested with beauty and worth
distinct within the natural order of creation. And so, to know who we are here in the earth we
must first know who God is, only then are we able to see the beauty of God’s reflection within
ourselves. With our limited reasoning capacity, we have no way of expressing an accurate
definition of ourselves, how then, can we define the beauty that is God’s. Beauty lies in
knowing God, and how we project that godly image. When we grasp this truth, it constrains us
to change our thinking, and value ourselves as God values us. Not as we, or others have
assumed our worth; because we can only be accurately defined by our connection to God.
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I returned to the study of God’s Word with an unexplainable hunger, confident of the truth that:
“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now
live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me”
(Galatians 2:20). I learned about the gifts, and talents placed within me as my generative
qualities. These are the seeds of promise that replicates the possibilities of divine providence in
each of us. No one can generally characterise us, or impose a definition of their choosing; the
self is whatever we have defined it to be, not by a universal rule of thumb, but by the
immeasurable magnitude of God’s love, and power. However, if we are not careful about how
we defined ourselves, then others will place us in a box of our own classification, and judge us
accordingly. Not one of the relationships and experiences we “entreat” to define us are capable
of the identity we need and long for; our true identity is rooted in eternity and cannot change
even though we are subject to change; and the change that we should seek to attain is to
become more Christ like.
To be more Christ like is to know God, and to know God is to appreciate His beauty. God is
the Supreme Creator. Therefore, everything that He has created reflects His artistry.
Undeniably, the beauty of God possesses the power to inspire us deeply, to shape, stimulate,
and satisfy our innermost longings. Nothing of this world can satisfy our innate desires;
everything that we aspire to accomplish is bound up in our connexion to God, whether we
believe there is a God or not. When we seek God, the Holy Spirit opens our eyes to see and
esteem Him as the Lord of Glory. As Lord of our lives we are transformed into his image. And
the more we become like him, the greater our capacity to delight in His beauty. God’s beauty
fascinates us, produces adoration, and motivates us to adorn ourselves with its glory.
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“And we all with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being changed into his
likeness from one degree of glory to another, for this comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit” 2
Corinthians 3:18.
Without the beauty of God’s image manifested in us, we are unworthy and incapable of
reflecting His love and His truth, or to demonstrate His power. It is only when the Holy Spirit
indwells us, that the beautiful “image” of God comes alive in us, so that we no longer refer to
our past experiences, but look to Him from whom our help comes to heal our memories and to
bless each signpost on the journey still ahead of us.
When we change our thinking, we change our lives; but we have to decide to change our
thinking by letting go of the beliefs that no longer have value. This frees us from being held
captive as victims of pain, from cultural expectations, and patterns of behaviour influenced by
those past experiences. When we change our thinking, our values will change. When we
change our values, our expectations will change. When we change our expectations, our
outlook will change. When we change our outlook, our conduct will change. When we change
our conduct, our performance will change. When we change our performance, we have
succeeded in repositioning our lives in accordance with our destinies! This process cannot be
achieved in our own strength; it can only be attained through the inner working of the Holy
Spirit. The mind cannot be renewed with a cosmetic makeover. To renew the mind means we
must allow the Spirit of God to liberate us from old thought patterns and to guide our thinking
to the truth: “And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." “If, therefore,
the Son shall set you free, you shall be free indeed.” John 8: 32 & 36.
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All mankind is endowed with intrinsic dignity and value, by virtue of being created in the
image and likeness of God (Genesis 1: 26-27). That image is innate in our persona; and
reflected in our relational nature, since we are created to commune with God and each other.
That relationship began in the Garden of Eden, where Adam and Eve walked and talked with
God in the cool of the day; which portrays a close communion with the Creator. We live in a
world that can no longer access the Garden of Eden, but we can still enjoy a close and personal
relationship with God, by communing with Him in times of worship, and prayer.
I share these remarkable truths of God’s love with you because I need you to understand He
can transform us from emptiness, and sorrow to fullness of joy that will last. You see
everything that pertains to life, and living is transitory; only God’s power is eternal. Our career,
wellbeing, contentment, achievement, associations…are all temporary. There is not one event
or concern in this life that will last forever. No matter how terrifying the storms we face, a
rainbow signals its end. In just the same way our experiences, emotions, actions, sorrow,
anguish, and disappointments are all transitory too. Even the darkness of night is temporary,
because it is heralded by the dawn of a brand-new day. When we can appreciate the fleeting
nature of life, we become expectant of each new day, because we are confident that it signifies
an added opportunity to live our lives with a fresh awareness of God’s amazing power.
Surprisingly, when we really do live for each new day, and pursue the opportunities that come
our way, the universe acts in response to our confidence. It’s like it has been waiting for us to
awaken and live our lives whole. Due to this temporary nature of life, we should always (carpe
diem) seize each new day. Lamentations 3:19-24, gives us a clear portrayal of God’s daily
renewal plan: “I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well
remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind, and therefore, I
have hope: Because of the LORD's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never
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fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my
portion; therefore, I will wait for him.”
God graciously gives us each new day abundant with the promise and the potential to
overcome the issues, we previously found overwhelming.
His love and His mercies day by
day gives us a second chance at life; yesterday is gone, and today is all there is. Remember, it
is the “present” and it is called that for a reason, because it is a gift to be lived, and to be
cherished. We have spent too much time dwelling on past events, pondering on how outcomes
could have been changed, instead of focusing on the fresh opportunities God gives us each new
day. The reality is the past is behind us, the future is yet to come, and the only thing that should
be most important to us is now, because it’s all we really have at our disposal. In spite of what
we may have lost or had to endure, we can look forward to this precious promise: “But for you
who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will
go out and leap like calves released from the stall. Says the Lord Almighty” Malachi 4:1-3. We
may have had good reason to feel sorry for ourselves “once upon a time”. But, we now know
that those regrets were temporary, we know that because we have overcome the frustrations
and the pains, even if the memories still linger on. Having overcome those seasons, we can
create new recollections in the seasons ahead that will increase our sense of relevance,
allowing us to achieve the very best there is for our lives. “There is a balm in Gilead”;
therefore, we must persevere, and journey on with confident expectations; because from deep
within our hearts comes the knowing that we must. You have endured the conflict, too passive
to do anything other than accept a life that is less than the best; and in spite of it all, you are
still dwelling on the past. Now is the time to take a giant leap from the confines of your
limitations into the now!
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Your uncertainties may still be holding you back from making a radical change; Even so, you
have been making decisions all your life, so what decision would you like to make now? Can I
suggest you resolve to configure your life by refusing to live with insecurities another moment.
Exercise your determined thoughts and allow them to motivate your actions into creating a life
that is “completely out of the ordinary.” Most of the time, we have made decisions without
even giving them very much thought, and so life has developed for us as a matter of course, to
the point where each time we attempt to do something new, we revert to the old patterns of
how it has always been. But when we always do what we’ve always done, we’ll always get
what we’ve always got, and we'll always feel how we’ve always felt. I know about “always”
I’ve lived there for many years. So, bear this in mind, “everything” in life is temporary,
seasons do change, and so can we.
Consider for a moment what your life would be like if you lived it in an extraordinary way?
Just stop reading and envision your life changing from the customary to the exceptional as you
step out of the circle of the events of your past? For years, you have accepted the negative
challenges of life, possibly due to a sense of powerlessness. Look back at the many years you
have endured tears, tolerated pain, suffered in silence, and had to make do; until your expected
norm has become mediocrity. While you perceive the radical change that can come about as a
result of a shift in your thinking, I’d like you to accept this positive challenge: “step out of the
confines of the past, and allow what you have seen in your mind’s eye to trigger a paradigm
shift that will transform the way you live your life." If you can visualize it, you can actualize
it. It will demand determination, and require positive efforts on your part, but a paradigm shift
is simply making a change from one way of thinking to another. Consider it your own
emotional revolution, or life metamorphosis.
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We have all metamorphosed in one form or another during the course of our lives; since it’s
simply trading one quality for another as life progresses through its stages. For example, from
infancy to toddler, to adolescence and adulthood, all of which are stages in the cycle of human
development. In effect, the radical change I am suggesting denotes just like the stages of
metamorphosis a transformation of “emotional structure" a responsive makeover which
requires a new way of thinking to that previously. It just doesn’t happen. It's not a beauty salon
experience, but rather it is driven by agents of change; that impels us to be the best we can be,
in spite of our age or limitations, so that we can cause a change in our lives and our world. This
verse inspires us to do so: “Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting
away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles
are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on
what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is
eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. Any change, however, that is radical enough to amend the
definition of self will, require not only minor variations in our way of thinking but a total
transformation of the mind. The most familiar illustration of a total transformation is that of an
unattractive caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly. Think about that and then ask yourself “am I a
caterpillar or a butterfly?” Only you can answer in truth, but let me share with you how I would
have answered years ago.
I was a caterpillar living with low self-confidence, and high anxieties, which blocked the
discovery of who I really was for a very long time. I was fearful and vulnerable, too passive
even to care about where I was heading, but focused instead on where I was coming from. My
childhood sorrows had spilled over into my adult sufferings, causing a confusion of emotional
conditions. My actions swung like an erratic pendulum between a pubescent and mature
attitude.
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Concealed behind such negative emotions, I enveloped myself within their limitations.
Included in those limitations was my unbelief towards God and the greatest and most
damaging of my lifeless traits. During those years, I didn't know how to have a relationship
with myself, let alone with anyone else. I was imprisoned in a cocoon of false thinking that
impeded my transformation into the butterfly I was meant to become. Looking back I am
forever humbled by the ways in which God can bring about the corrections in our lives that
enable us to find a new and better perspective even when we don’t believe in Him. Such a God
appointed event that prompted a paradigm shift in my life occurred about a year or so after I
was divorced. Time had taken its toll, and Lee and I had put enough of our conflicts behind us,
and (with our children’s meddling). We had become really great friends. During a conversation
with him, one day about why our marriage had ended, I was surprised to learn it all came down
to the fact that he was overwhelmed by guilt every time he looked at me, and recalled he had
failed in his attempt to rescue our son, while I had rescued our daughters from their burning
room. Until that moment, I loathed the scars on my face because I had held on to the belief,
they were the reason he no longer found me attractive, and this had led to his affair. However,
as I listened, all the self-loathing and turmoil in me dissolved in a heartbeat; as he explained,
that he just couldn’t cope seeing me scared and knowing it was his inability to protect his
family that left me that way. As I considered his reasoning, I determined that fears are
common to all of us, especially false fears. I realised too that hiding behind our fears hinders
our metamorphosis. I was also grateful to God, that even though I doubted His love, He still
met me at my point of need, and freed me through something as simple as a conversation from
those beliefs and emotions that had plagued me for so long. The amazing thing was that when I
stopped loathing my scars, they faded miraculously; God is truly an awesome God.
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I encourage you to emerge from the cocoon of the past and soar with the winds beneath your
wings like the butterfly you are meant to be. Break free from your limitations now, and get to
know God, because He wants the very best for us. His desire is for us to become all that He
has created us to be in the fullness of His time. We all view the world around us in accordance
with a particular paradigm; usually, it is dependent on what we consider to be the truth. The
truth is we cannot control our environment, but we can control ourselves within our
environment. We cannot control the events of our past, but we can control how we respond to
the events of the past. Understand that those events were simply back streets on the journey of
life, and since you are still on the journey take a broader route to your destination. Travel a
highway where you can experience a newness of life that transcends the life of the past, to a
satisfying and fulfilled life of purpose, passion and peace, conscious of who you are and why
you’re here on this earth. To this end, Rick Warren wrote: “To live a life of purpose, and on
purpose, empowers you to be whatever you want to be and to do whatever you want to do.
When your life’s purpose is powered by passion, you are able to stay on course even when you
experience obstacles and setbacks. Purpose is the engine that moves you forward in life;
passion is the fuel for the engine.”
During my seasons of challenge, I had no purpose, no passion and certainly no power, since I
failed to appreciate that the episodes of my life were merely pages bound collectively in the
chapters of my life story, and as time elapsed, they naturally became my history. Since I now
understand this, if any of the pages tries to invade my mind, I simply classify it as “once upon a
long time ago,” and move on. Undoubtedly, I had no way of knowing the circumstances that
would play out in my life that would bring about my divorce or me living alone; but by the
grace of God, I am still here, and I have a testimony.
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I bear my scars audaciously, knowing that they represent the victories I have won over the
struggles I have gone through, and I am forever grateful to God for the seasons, I’ve
surmounted, and the many lessons He has taught me through each event; and exactly as the
William and Gloria Gaither song affirms: “because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He
lives, all fear is gone! Because I know He holds the future, and life is worth the living just
because He lives!” Because He lives, I am assured that He has a plan for my life that far
outweighs the suffering I have endured.
We are all able to face each new day, regardless of the tests and trials that cross our pathway.
We can respond instead of reacting to them with peace of mind, confident that God is always
with us shielding, leading, and imparting His truths to our spirits as we continue our journey
through life. Please don’t leave God out of your life like I did. I can assure you that God will
always be there for you. Before you came to be, He had charted all the days of your life. David
tells us in Psalm 139:16: “Thine eyes did see mine unformed substance; And in thy book, they
were all written, Even the days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was none of
them.” You have always been in the mind and heart of God; and you always will be; you are
His masterpiece and of such immense value to Him, that He sent His son to die on the cross to
pay the price for your sins. “He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might
die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds, you have been healed.” 1 Peter 2:24.
God’s desire is and always will be for us to cast our cares on Him, and not to struggle on our
own with the challenges of life. Let’s review this in realistic terms; we can do nothing of
ourselves without the Source and the One who sustains all life. Our every undertaking is
ineffective without the grace and providence of God. He is the creator and restorer of life, and
He alone can make our lives complete. Life is nothing without God; there is never a moment
on our journey of life that we do not need God to navigate the course.
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Everything we try to make happen falls apart when we live our lives without cultivating a
relationship with God and receiving from Him the purpose of our existence; to continue living
without Him is so meaningless. To make this point clear Jesus tells us in John 15:5: “Without
Me you can do nothing.” Without God we have no control over the evil forces at work that
robs us of our joy, our peace and our health. Without God we have no sense of self-worth,
identity or purpose; we make wrong choices, act on impulse, so carnally minded we mess up
all the time, but when we endeavour to truly know God, and to conform to the image of His
Son Jesus Christ, we are strengthened by His power to overcome the vicissitudes of life, and
live in His strength.
To be disheartened by the extreme challenges of life is a common thread that runs helter skelter
through every human being on this earth; it is just as Solomon declares, there is “nothing new
under the sun.” Mankind the world over experiences times of torment and misery; pain and
suffering; but without a battle there can be no victory, without the darkness of anguish, there
can be no hope of light; without the hope of light, there can never be the dawning of a new day.
That is why in spite of it all, when we are in a one-to-one relationship with God, He provides
the power, wisdom, knowledge and understanding to press forward to our destiny; because
“With God all things are possible” Matthew 19:26.
Any reservations we may have are
dispelled when we read 1 John 5:12: “He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the
Son of God does not have life.” To have the Son in your life means change to your
circumstances in ways you cannot even begin to imagine. And it only requires you to give
God permission to remove your wounded heart, and replace it with the loving heart of His Son
Jesus Christ. Believe me, from my own experience it is the best exchange you'll ever obtain in
this life.
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We were created to be reliant on God; yet, for many of us accepting this truth necessitates a
paradigm shift, a transformation of thought and the order in which we live our lives. The tests
and trials of life are meant to draw us closer to God, and when we do, God the Quintessence of
life waits to console us in our time of need. When we yield to God, He makes us come alive,
moving beyond mere existence to significance, because He has a plan and purpose right there
in what we consider our anguished conditions, so forget the past, and look to the future; for
with God the possibilities are endless.
I spent years agonising; I was so used to the heartaches of negative experiences that my pains
didn’t have a threshold. I smiled to mask my tears, laughed to conceal my fears, and used
humour to suppress my pains, all the while wishing someone would look long enough to see
how broken I really was. I couldn’t be happy with me because, in reality, there was no me. I
don’t have a life anymore; yet, while I was hurting so badly, feeling like I would never make it
through another day, colleagues and friends labelled me “a strong black woman.” And so I
became their confidante, I listened, and I counselled, and became their problem solver; while
my problems remained unresolved. Everyone assumed I was doing fine, that I had gotten over
the loss of my children and the disaster of my divorce, but behind the pretence of my smiles
and humour, I was gradually dying inside. Little did they know that my ability to be strong for
them, and to smile through it all was only a front to hide what was really going on inside.
Someone would ask, “how are you” of course then I would lie convincingly; “O I’m really
doing well” because to reveal the reality of my agony would have re-created a “Humpty
Dumpty” worst-case scenario; since every cell in my body shrieked in torment, frantically in
need of comfort. There were the odd days when it seemed I was coming to terms with life, and
my pains would finally subside, then, my thoughts would hurl that assurance further from my
grasp; until I felt my healing was merely a pointless promise.
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Nevertheless, with Nana Bea’s love, prayerful encouragement, and constant cautioning, I
realised that by holding on to past hurts all potential relationships would be affected; and by
continuing that action, I was, in effect, allowing those who had hurt me to influence how I
travelled the rest of my journey. It took years, and other failed relationships, before I grasp that
every relationship contains the seed of joy or pain, love or hate, contentment or discontent. It
wasn’t until I considered the relationship between Jesus and Judas. Now, there was a
relationship where Jesus was betrayed to death, yet, willingly forgave the betrayer that was
once His disciple and in a close relationship with Him. The betrayal, abuse, and heartbreak we
have had to endure in our past associations, will continue to prevent our present realities until
we respond to the hurt the way Jesus did. We are to develop that same spirit of loving faith,
remember: “Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet
inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are
achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is
seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” 2
Corinthians 4:16-18. No matter how demanding the struggles, we must continue to live life to
the fullest, in faith affirming 2 Samuel 22:33: “It is God, who arms me with strength and makes
my way perfect.” Face the challenges head on; confident that God will also fulfil His promise
in Isaiah 40:29-31: “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even
youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the
LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not
grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
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A past left unresolved will continue to disturb our peace if it is not addressed. It may be
difficult to evaluate events of the past but if you negate that action, then you allow it to take
control; and instead of learning from the episode, you continue to live in the grip of the past
subconsciously allowing it to consume your future. Let go; life possesses limitless
possibilities, goals for us to achieve, purpose for us to discover and the path to happiness for us
to unravel. I believe God challenges us with this question in Jeremiah 32:27: “I am the Lord,
the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?” There is an impression here that God
dares us to find a problem that He cannot solve. It further leads us to realise He is concerned
with our yesterday's regrets, today's distresses, and tomorrow's uncertainties. In all of this we
identify God’s unlimited goodness, His mercy, His love, and His grace, although we
sometimes place a limit on how he bestows these blessings; but, “when we limit God, we limit
ourselves." God is infinite; He is without any conceivable limits. We must believe that His
infinite resources and His power to supply solutions to every dilemma are generously made
available to each of us. We are assured of this in Ephesians 3:20 (LB), which promise: “God is
able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask, or even dream of, infinitely beyond our
highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes!” In every situation, we can rejoice knowing that
through His power, we can live victoriously, simply by allowing Him to take full control, while
we draw from His unlimited resources. However, the conditioning factor to the manifestation
of God’s limitless resources requires us by faith to believe that He is able. We can never evolve
beyond our own level of acceptance, and so may find such a degree of change difficult; but
God knows we cannot do this alone. Sometimes adjusting to change can be problematic, but
Christ-like change is the goal God wants for us, and the best choice we can make when we are
faced with “change” is to let God do the changing. God wants us to change; but only He alone
can secure us to himself; and He does so by providing us with the agents for change, such as
faith, love, commitment, audacity, devotion, wisdom, knowledge and understanding, that
directs our walk into a covenant relationship with Him.
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When we ask Him to be with us, we sense His presence, which gives us the reassurance we
need in times of uneasiness; and we are certain that we will never have to experience change
alone, since it is hard to be fearful or uneasy when we are focused on a God, who is all
sufficient!
I paid a high price for my resistance to change, but after experiencing how God operates in and
through the “emotional turbulences” of my life to produce in me the agents of change; it now
concerns me greatly when I meet someone who is reluctant to change. So many people have
totally disregarded life as a growth experience, and growth, by any classification, involves
change. In essence, without change there can be no growth since growth, and change are
synonymous. There is always change, no matter how seemingly insignificant it may be; it is
going to happen; therefore, being resistant to change is like being unaffected by life itself.
When we absorb innovative knowledge and apply it to our conduct, this changes us. And as we
continue to experience new things and learn from them, we are transformed like the caterpillar
in form, and function into a beautiful butterfly. Determination is necessary for metamorphosis
to take place, and courage is the fuel for the flight into our significance. And so, we must be
willing to face the challenges. Like the butterfly, our brilliance, which is cultivated out of the
vicissitudes of life, becomes a magnificent reflection and expression of God. Only then can we
accept change as the blessing that enabled us to become what God originally created us to be.
Change is an indication of positive growth; which is necessary to overcome past challenges
and conquer any that may affect our future. Because as we grow older, we will experience an
increasing number of major life changes.
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But, I do empathise with anyone who finds change difficult, because it was especially difficult
for me to adapt to change, or even to adjust my expectations about life as a whole. Particularly
unexpected changes that caught me off guard; my natural reaction then was to either run away
or fight against it. Although such measures are instinctive survival reflexes that come to the
fore when we feel helpless, or afraid; had I adjusted my attitude to change, I could have averted
many of the disappointments that caused me so much frustration. I wish I could tell you that I
just woke up one morning and became a totally different person; but no, it didn’t happen that
way. Before I could make the adjustments to change, I had to come alive emotionally. I had
suppressed my emotions for many years; and for the process of my inner healing to begin, I
first had to come to terms with the source of my anxieties. I realised my challenges contained
the seeds of my prospects for change and growth; and because this was now clear to me,
instead of masking my pains, and isolating myself, each day I’d let go of something I was
holding on to. Some days were much harder than others, but with determination and a
mounting awareness of the possibilities before me, a new reality swathed my mind, that
instilled in me the purpose to enjoy living once again.
Rebuilding the ancient ruins takes time, however; so reinventing my life was not an overnight
achievement. By adopting a different perspective it became easier to avoid my old thought
patterns. I chose to see my trials as stepping stones, and each day I aligned my mind with the
Word of God that assured me I was not a failure; that God had a plan and a purpose for my life;
and if I allowed Him to be my guide, I would be strengthened to reach my destination; for the
Bible tells us that; “Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength” Isaiah 40:31.
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This is a rather striking illustration of the significance of change that God requires of each of
us: “If an egg remains the same way, it will not work. An egg must either get hatched or gets
rotten. An egg is hardened when boiled. Sin also hardens us. Imagine being an egg at the end
of your life. Will God see an egg that has become rotten because it has remained the same or
will He see an egg that has become hatched, reborn and renewed? http://www.icocnigeria.
org/spiritual/reinventing.
As we flick through the pages of our life story, we will find that we were being re-invented
from as far back as our early years. That as children the dreams we had of becoming someone
rich and famous in the future were created from our childhood knowledge and experience.
There are few of us who achieved that childhood dream, instead we grew up to be entirely
different people with diverse aspirations through the knowledge we have absorbed, and the
events we have experienced, and as a result our perception of life has changed. However, if as
adults we are still holding on to childish dreams, then we have ceased to reinvent ourselves,
which means we have stemmed the process of our own growth. But, God is intent on our
personal growth and development; and that growth is enhanced when we willingly allow Him
to lead us through the experiences we encounter. When our hearts and minds are centred in
His will, we are assured of the most fulfilling achievement from those experiences. We are to
appreciate, and embrace the changes, knowing that God remains in control of every aspect of
our lives. When we stretch beyond our limits by choosing to focus on the problem solver, and
not the problem, life becomes an amazing and exciting adventure. When we renew our focus,
new dimensions such as knowledge, insight, and positive experiences are gained, and
throughout the course of a lifetime that becomes an unfathomable wellspring to draw from.
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There is a wealth of sagacity that we could only have come to know through the diversity of
our experiences; and a vibrancy of life we could never have attained without the courage to
embrace change. 'Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new
thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and
streams in the wasteland. The wild animals honour me, the jackals and the owls, because I
provide water in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my
chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise. Isaiah 43:18-21.
It certainly takes a powerful experience to motivate us into making such a paradigm shift, but
awareness itself is progress, and an awareness of God as our source of life is the most powerful
motivation for change we can ever experience. Such a paradigm shift of mind and heart births
purpose, power, passion and possibilities in our lives; that enables us to be reinvented in the
reflection of God’s love and to ultimately become the person He desires us to be. It is in this
growing awareness of God that our minds are transformed, and our hearts healed from the
ravages of past held beliefs affected by ignorance. Then as we absorb His life-giving Word,
we are ushered into the fullness of today and every day as we journey on into our futures;
knowing that with God, every day is a new day, a fresh start, a new beginning, and the
possibilities are endless.
Isn’t a fresh start, a new beginning something we all need; a place from which to rebuild,
reassert, recover, replace, and redesign our lives? A window in time to put behind us the pains
that begs to be forgotten; to forgive ourselves and others of the past hurts and disappointments;
and to look with concern at where we are, and appreciate where we need to be now? Well,
God invites us to begin anew with Him.
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There is something remarkable about a Godly makeover that provides us with a sense of hope,
at a second chance to evaluate our development, control our frustrations, and conceive new
plans of attainment for our lives.
When God makes us over by His grace, it is a time of
“unmerited favour” in which He affords us the opportunity to accomplish new things, and to be
changed in every characteristic for the better. The acceptance of a fresh start, a new beginning
is the key to our attaining spiritual significance. God is not intimidated by our tragedies, or
subjugated by the depth of our despair. He comes to meet us during every phase of our
journey; whether it is in the spring of progress and potential, or the winter of damage and
despair, it makes no difference to God where we are, or how we are. Instead, as David assures
us in psalm 51: “He can give us a new beginning; by renewing our minds; creating in us a pure
heart, and a steadfast spirit, because He loves us the way we are, but loves us too much to leave
us the way we are; and so He says to us: “Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and
He shall bring it to pass” (Psalm 37:5). This is an invitation to be the person God created you
to be. That means no matter the events of yesterday … no matter the pains, the heartaches, or
the failures, God says put it all behind you now; let it go; and look with expectation towards
the opportunities He has in mind for you.
It is your fresh start, your new beginning; it is your new day. Isaiah confirms God’s invitation
in chapter 60:1 when he says: “Arise and shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the
Lord has risen upon you.”
To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under
heaven; and it is now your time to be. It’s your choice to stay defeated by the past, or advance
victoriously towards your destiny; but be aware, Our Time Will Tell!
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Chapter 19 ~ To Everything There Is A Season
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Its “time to be” me; its “time to be” you! Time is life’s most precious commodity. It moves
in an unrelenting sequence, and as the seasons change, new life replenishes the old. When we
were younger we believed we had all the time in the world; then as we get older time seems to
recede at a remarkable rate, so that it becomes more precious to us to hold on to. Ah, but then
we always place a greater worth on matchless things...since the less we have of something the
more value we attach to it; but, in doing so, we fail to appreciate that everything temporal loses
its worth, and only things, which are eternal, are ever worthwhile. Time can be quantified by
timepieces and the positioning of the sun, moon and stars, but we can also quantify time by the
distinctiveness of our own grey hairs, our aching joints, and with anticipation the wisdom we
have marshalled from each milestone experience along the journey. From this basis, we learn
that the appropriate approach toward time is to esteem it sagaciously; to stop living in the past
and focus instead on the present. Let me remind you again: “time waits for no man”; and
since time waits for no man, change is inevitable.
If there is one thing about life, we can never escape, it is change, and in the face of the
inevitable, we need to confront and embrace change so that it works to our advantage. So often
we hold no hope of seeing any change in our circumstances, as a result, change is unlikely to
materialize. We endure so many issues emotionally, physically, and spiritually, that we really
wouldn't have to suffer, if we put our faith in God and stopped looking at all the changing
conditions, we are unable to control. When Solomon was faced with what seemed to be such
meaningless cycles in his life, he sought to determine man’s true purpose. Initially, he shares
with us his own experience concerning the futility of human wisdom. He deduces that life
“under the sun” was vanity; a conclusion seemingly reached by discerning the unfathomable
plans and purposes of God.
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However, without His truth, we cannot discern God’s purposes; without His wisdom, we will
find His plan's incomprehensible. Without His direction, we cannot traverse the pitfalls of life.
Without His revelation, we will never be able to comprehend eternity with Him. Without His
blessing, we can never enjoy the good of our labour. Therefore, any effort to live without God
in this ever-changing world is indeed vanity. Daniel J. Estes notes, “Humans are bound by
time, but they are wired for eternity. They intuitively know that there must be meaning
somewhere and they were made for more than vain toil.” Daniel J. Estes, Handbook on the
Wisdom Books and Psalms (Grand Rapids: Baker Academic, 2005), p. 313.
Not one of us can satisfy our desire to discern the divine design of life and its complex events.
But, God created us with an innate curiosity and the impulse to observe, research, and
contemplate His creation and our existence within it. He has even placed us within His created
universe on the most conducive observation platform. The paradoxes of existence can make us
frustrated and fretful. Instead of such feelings however, we are to accept that with God, there
are no limitations; and regardless of the ever-changing landscape of life, while we wait for our
change to come, we are to enjoy those things which God has so graciously provided for us. The
wonderful things He has given us to enjoy, as we journey onward, even in our times of pain
and turmoil. The key to this enjoyment is that God himself has given us these events as gifts;
but more than the need to appreciate the gifts, we must appreciate the Giver.
Ecclesiastes 3:15, the same as 1:9, signal the ending of Solomon’s reflections; that nothing
changes. “Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before.” The final clause
of the verse; “and God will call the past to account,” seems to refer to God’s control over past
events.
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Indeed, God not only controls those events, but if we have not learned anything from them, He
repeats them, until we finally come to grasp what He desires to teach us through those events.
Charles Swindoll explains it this way: “We are the ones to pass it by. We are the ones who
walk away, so God brings us back to the same lesson to learn it again. And he doesn’t give up
when we pass it by. He brings us back again and again to learn our lesson well. We get weary
of learning the lesson, and we run from it. We turn it off. Yet He repeats the same lesson. He
repeats it and repeats it and repeats it until finally the light comes on, and we learn it. Why?
Because God seeks what you and I try to escape. God pursues what you and I turn off. God
makes a permanent lesson out of what you think is a temporary and passing experience.”
Charles R. Swindoll, Living on the Ragged Edge: Coming to Terms with Reality (New York:
Bantam Books, 1988), p. 90.
God requires our absolute submission to Him; and will pursue us by using the events; we face
to draw us into intimacy with Him. When we hold on to nothing but the sorrow of our ordeals;
when we refuse to see beyond the extent of our trials, He repeats the lesson again. The longer it
takes for us to realise what He wants us to learn, the longer the lesson lasts. It is repeated until
our awareness is illumined, and we are no longer weakened by our struggles, but empowered
by them. And with each test, with each trial we understand that God never ceases to examine
our faith; because the testing of our faith produces determination, and spiritual maturity. James
tells us: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish
its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4). The
ordeals of life are there to rid us of all self, and compel our reliance on God. Just as gold is
refined in a furnace, the intensity of the heat purifies us; until the pure reflection of Christ can
be seen in our lives.
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God is not interested in our physical comfort. He is more concerned with our spiritual
character; so, difficulties come to progress our spiritual maturity and to transform us into His
likeness. Charles Spurgeon suggests: “Often our trials act as a thorn-hedge to keep us in the
good pasture, but our prosperity is a gap through which we go astray.” http://www.please
convinceme.com/index/YouwerecreatedtobeGodslikeness.
If not for God’s loving concern it is without a doubt that you and I would remain spiritually
immature. That is why, Paul tells us in Romans 5: 3-5: “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our
sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character;
and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love
into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Our patience in times of anguish
produces the tenacity to maintain a positive attitude, while we wait for our change to come.
When we face attacks of one kind or another, we feel like the pressures will destroy us, and if
we are not in a relationship with God, it is likely that they will. That is why it is vital for us to
be sure God has already planned our futures, so even when life is at its worst, we are certain
beyond the shadow of a doubt, our best is yet to come. When we are not in a relationship with
God, the enemy uses the ordeals, we face to reduce our faith, and deceive us into detaching
ourselves from God. Our remoteness from God then causes us to feel abandoned, rejected and
drives us even further away from Him. Therefore, understanding God’s purpose in suffering
helps us to rejoice in our times of sorrow.
I wonder how differently we would live if we really understood that every aspect of our lives,
from the favourable to the frantic, are all part of a purposeful design in which no strands are
woven mistakenly into the tapestry of our lives.
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Most of us believe that events such as birth and death are ordered by God. Still, we believe our
lives are the outcome of our own efforts; when in reality, every detail of life is woven into its
perfect position by the artistic design of God. There is so much more to life than just living
without purpose from day to day. Every life has a divine intention, and when we understand
that God has already prepared a beautiful and purposeful design for our lives, it becomes easier
to appreciate the quandaries of life here on this earth. God wants us to be conformed to the
image of His Son; therefore, His plan is designed to include all events and actions of life. It is
an indivisible process, which means no element can be detached from the whole design. Some
events and actions God initiates other events and actions He allows.
Travelling down the road of life, we do battle with those events and actions in the many twists
and turns along the way. Some seasons we are basking in mountaintop events, other seasons
we are struggling with valley action experiences; but in the midst of it all, we must appreciate
God is working out His purposes, through every circumstance. It isn't by accident that we live
in the community we live in. It isn’t by accident that we worship in the church we attend. It
isn't by accident that we have the colleagues we work with. It isn't by accident that God has
encircled us with the family members we have. It isn't by accident that God has given us a
personality as distinctive as ours. It isn't by accident that God has brought us through certain
experiences in our lives that were excruciating. It isn't by accident that tragedies came into our
lives; they are lessons meant to reform our thoughts and attitudes. God always operates within
the parameters of reality. Before the dawn of creation, our choices were already known to Him,
and so He decreed our individual plan of destiny; purposefully designed to provide us with
everything for our fulfilment in the generation we live in and for all eternity. We are left with
the responsibility to believe, and accept, or distrust and reject His perfect plan.
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God never coerces our will; instead, He directs us by the revelation and truth in His Word, so
we can understand how to live within His divine perspective. When we apply God’s Word to
our lives, we live in harmony with His will, and our old dysfunctional nature dies, and a new
functional nature is created. Paul tells us: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new
creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” 2 Corinthians 5:17. But, when we fail to
submit to God’s plan, based on how inconvenient it is; we not only devalue our own lives; we
devalue God. To get our attention, we may have to endure further tests and trials so that we can
learn what God wants to impart to us. By going through taxing situations, God stirs up certain
abilities within us; in order to build our character to the level, He desires. God’s expectation for
the life He has given us is based on a quality of life, not a quantity of life. If we are going to
live as God intends it is without doubt that we will often not understand what He is doing;
especially if we focus constantly on our condition, and not on Him. It has been said that
“Sometimes God crushes a petal to bring out its essence; and other times He offends our minds
to reveal our hearts.” God knows what we can never know, and sees what we can never see. He
is quite clear about this when He says in Isaiah; “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord” (Isaiah 55:8). He may also not relieve our
suffering when we would like Him to, but He will transform them to our advantage, and to His
glory; only if that is what we desire, and if we will trust him to do so in His own way, and in
His own time. Paul writes in Philippians 1:6; “Being confident of this very thing, that he which
hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.” He assures us
here that it is God, who works out His purposes in us, and gives us the power that is
unquestionably sufficient for everything we have to accomplish here in this earth.
Isaiah also tells us; “I have chosen you in the furnace of affliction” (Isaiah 48:10); he wants us
to realise God only uses vessels broken of self and tried in the fires of adversity.
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I struggled for a while to understand why God should transform us in that way, but learned that
I don’t need to understand God’s activity, I just need to accept His will for my life, and if that
involves trying and testing times, then it means I have some more growing to do. These lines
from Robert Browning Hamilton titled “Along the Road,” teaches us a lesson on pleasure and a
lesson on sorrow: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to
our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility.
All we suffer and all we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our
characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable,
more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and
tribulation, we gain the education we are here to acquire, which will make us more like our
Father in heaven” (as quoted in Faith Precedes the Miracle, p. 98).
Life can develop into a reflection of regrets, but God wants our lives to be a reflection of His
glory. He is not concerned with those moments we’d like to recreate, the things we said we
wish we could take back, the choices that wounded someone we loved, things we didn’t do that
we should have, decisions we wish we had never made, and the love we wish we had openly
shared. God is saying to us… LET IT GO. We have all messed up, sinned and fallen short of
His glory, but when we yield our lives to Christ, we are all forgiven. We can let go of our
regrets and be thankful we never have to revisit them in pain again. Because, when God
forgives, He also forgets, and we too should learn to do the same. In God’s eyes, we are never
defined by our regrets, but by the faith, we develop that allows us to move forward, to begin
anew, and to be redeemed.
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Can you really retrace the events you have suffered and not realize how God has used them to
mould and shape you? Although you may not be able to see it, be assured, His hand is upon
you; as He works in your life preparing you for His purposes. “For we are his workmanship,
created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk
in them” (Ephesians 2:10). God blesses us in the ups and downs of life, in the opening and
closing of doors, in the happiness and sorrows we face, so that we can go on in faith believing
in Him for our victory; just like the old hymn inspires: “I’m pressing on the upward way, new
heights I’m gaining every day; still praying as I’m onward bound, “Lord, plant my feet on
higher ground.” Johnson Oatman, Jr. ~ 1898.
We all have our own unique approach to cultivating sincerity within ourselves; and as I have
gotten older, I enjoy taking the time to use reflection and introspection, as my reality check.
On those nostalgic journeys, I am able to appreciate my memories with a deepening sense of
gratitude. We tend to rush around life so much of the time, that we rarely stop to admire
ourselves, or even to look at where we’re going, let alone how far we’ve come from. Our
history will never be completed if our past is not traced. When we reflect on our history, we
distance ourselves from it; we disengage who we have now become, from the flow of events of
former times so that we can look back at the tests and trials objectively. I can never lose the joy
or the wisdom gained through episodes I’ve already experienced, and being able to observe
myself from an “outside of the box” perspective allows me to see my true reflection; which
enables me to maintain my triumph over heartache, grief and anxiety. When we have endured
painful events, we attempt to find reason in the whys and wherefores, never appreciating that
sometimes, there are events that are inevitable; that life is simply life. Through reflection, we
are able to build a bridge from where we were to where we are now.
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In addition, reflection creates significance, which is a blend of logic and flow, direction and
purpose, which adds value, and gives fulfilment to our lives.
One of the greatest quandaries of life is coming to terms with the deaths of loved ones and
attempting to transcend the ruins of humanity that is left behind; and reflection is how we can
survive the pains we have suffered. The healing process of reflective thinking is a phase that
we must challenge if we are to live uninhibited lives. In essence, we are the reflection of our
lives when we purposefully choose to leave the past behind, and live our lives whole.
On one of those reflective visits, I was going through some old family albums with my late
daughter and her children, and found the occasion to be pretty much like being viewed under a
Humour scope… From their point of view, those picture reminders were hilarious in their
content. The questioning remarks were at times rather embarrassing, but their peals of laughter
were constantly infectious. Their amusing response came simply because they have no memory
of the events that are detailed in those albums. Their exclamations of, “oh look at the afro, you
couldn’t even turn sideways to go through the door with that on your head? No, no, no, look at
the shoes, look at the shoes; granddad could have done some serious damage with those. No
boy, look at this dress, Nan, were they giving them away back in the day, please don’t tell me
you bought it? Nan, that can’t be you; you were so slim, what happened? Oh my days, what
make of car was that, looks just like the one Barney Rubble had in the flintstones! And so it
went on, until every photo in the albums was reduced to light hearted ridicule. Now those old
photographs only became the target of my grandchildren’s present-day humour, since they
were not around to share in the events when they were taken, and so, hold no point of
reference.
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I, on the other hand, can readily recall those memories, because they are of significance to me,
but as far as my daughter and grandchildren are concerned, I can only relay to them, the who,
where, when, and why accounts connected to the images, they saw, but they can’t interact with
my reminiscences, because it is not their memory, they can only regard them as mementoes of
my yesteryear.
Remainders of the past are channels through which we are transported back to times that can
evoke either feelings of dissatisfaction or contentment, sadness or joyfulness, anxiety or
serenity, failure or accomplishment. That day I thought a lot about how easy it is to be
prompted by vestiges of a distant era, recognising that it is impossible to correct wrong
attitudes and emotions, which result from past hurts, without in some way affecting how we
cope with the painful memories of those experiences. The attitudes and ways of thinking, so
deeply embedded in our hearts, subconsciously hold us back from believing God's promises to
us of peace, comfort and spiritual liberation. When we are held back by the guilt and pain
aroused by wounding memories, we miss out on experiencing the many blessings that God has
for us. When we prayerfully reflect however, or wounded hearts are restored through the
release God gives us from the shackles of painful seasons, in a process that enables forgiveness
and emotional reconstruction through the indwelling power of His Holy Spirit.
I really valued their response to those old family albums, because they taught me that I too can
look back, even at the sad times, and find something of humour from painful memories. It’s
like the sentiment that Kahlil Gibran’s quote conveys: “To be able to look back upon one's life
in satisfaction is to live twice.”
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Remnants that we associate with times past may fade away; but, the value of those experiences
lives on inside of us, enabling us to grow stronger and wiser. It is such a blessing to be able to
look back and recall how wonderful life has been, in spite of the heartaches; and be
appreciative of the good times, and the memories we have to cherish. Even so, we need to be
careful not to cling to those precious remnants so tightly that we miss out on the opportunities
to create new and even richer experiences for us to treasure further on down the road.
Through reflections, we also perceive God’s plan for our lives. We see the working of His
hands in every high, in every low and the magnitude of His concern about every aspect of our
lives. Yes, He has given us free will, but He has also uniquely created us, and then distinctively
designed His plan and purpose for our fulfilment. I am humbled and amazed as I reflect on just
how much God’s hand has been working in my life. I think of events that happened from my
childhood and on into maturity, the people He placed in my life, which taught me so much
about His character and His Word. There were situations, He used to mature and strengthen
me; I couldn’t perceive it then, but I truly appreciate it now. I am also grateful for His Word
and how it has enriched my life. What it says about me is who I am; and all things pertaining to
life and godliness are mine through the knowledge of God. Even though I once rebelled against
Him, He has forgiven me now, and assured me that my life means something. I can look back
and rejoice today, knowing that my episodes were no accidents in the eyes of an all-knowing,
all-seeing God; and the cyclical rhythms of my life were already written in His book before I
was even born. Therefore, the “happy ending” that awaits me has already been set in motion.
Let me remind you, everything in life has a natural cyclical rhythm and flow to it. The rotation
of cycles indicates a time of endings, and new beginning.
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These cyclical rhythms direct all that we do. Our very existence is ordered by the rhythmic
nature of life. The breaths that we take, the beat of our hearts, are constant prompts to life’s
pulsing rhythm that moves within and around us. We see its permanence in the seasons of
nature, the tides of the oceans, and the stars that brightens the night sky. We should also see
this pulsating rhythm within ourselves. When our rhythms are harmonious, life flows
effortlessly; and we find it more gratifying. During each pivotal phase, God gives us the
opportunity to recreate ourselves, to evaluate where we have been, and what we believe in; and
to eradicate the beliefs that are not pertinent to our purpose of life. With each rhythm, we are to
be aware of the nature of the events in our life cycles and utilize them to mark a new phase of
growth that will bring about deep and permanent changes within us. These are the changes that
God requires, changes that make us more dynamic, regard things more positively, and in the
end more spiritually minded.
Significantly, since the deaths of my sons and my divorce; time has elapsed; yet, the cyclical
rhythms of my life have continued its pulsating pattern. I have lived through seasons of plenty,
and seasons of lack; times of love, and times, of rejection; cycles of regression, and cycles of
growth, each in turn, brought about a new opportunity, to evaluate what was beneficial to my
life, and to discard what was worthless. Also to question my genuine needs, and consider the
part I am to play in the Kingdom of God and in the world. During the cyclical rhythms of life
God shifted my attention from my own selfish desires, to focus on a relationship with Him, so
that I could discern His desires for my life. Each season illuminated the lessons I had learned
and gave me the opportunity to reflect on my progress, and personal transformation and to
revisit the original intention of my life.
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There have been times when the cyclical rhythms pulsated harmoniously, at other times
acrimoniously, but because of the lessons learned, I was strengthened by the knowledge that it
is all part of God’s plan for my life. Even so, I still felt like I had climbed aboard a Gyroscope
that was gyrating so out of control, it was impossible for me to get off; when twenty years to
the day of the fire that destroyed my home, and claimed Colin’s life; my eldest daughter
Sophia-Marie, travelling with friends to celebrate the New Year in Cornwall, was involved in a
road accident. The van she was in, hit an icy patch on the road, and skidded thirty feet into a
ravine. If not for the power of a faithful God, she would have been decapitated by the seat-belt.
She sustained injuries to her face and neck that were horrific, but God spared her life, and
healed her so miraculously, the scars are barely visible. A few years later my son, on his way
to the gym, was attacked, and beaten at gun point by several youths; God in His faithfulness
intervened again and spared his life, and his health. Then, nine years ago, my youngest
daughter Nicolla Mae finally lost her battle with the cancer she was born with; leaving behind
four wonderful children.
In each of these rhythms of anguished times and seasons, there was so very much to thank God
for. His almighty hand has worked unceasingly in my life, in ways that are astonishing. He has
been a faithful God to me during my times of struggle, and heartache, and is clearly involved in
the process and the outcome, of every action and event; I have had to face; and for that I’m
exceedingly grateful. It is as the chorus of that great old hymn confirms: “Great is Thy
faithfulness!” “Great is Thy faithfulness!” Morning by morning new mercies I see; all I have
needed Thy hand hath provided “Great is Thy faithfulness,” Lord, unto me! Words by Thomas
O. Chisholm (1866-1960) & William Runyan.
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It is through such angst-ridden experiences that God has transitioned my life, but I had to wait
on Him. And in those waiting phases, there were occasions when I was somewhere in-between;
like Linus in the Charlie Brown cartoon without his blanket. Through tests and trials, I have
learned to live life whole, confident that life as I have experienced it, has ended. God closed the
doors, so there is no way I could ever get back in, because the past is the past. Ah, and then,
there is the future, I know what is to become of mine; and I hold dear the exquisite promise,
that God had a plan and purpose for my life. Mother Teresa said it best: “Yesterday is gone.
Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.” http://thinkexist.com/quotes.
I now celebrate every day of my life; it had truly been an amazing adventure of the heart. I no
longer have any reservation about God, or His love for me. I can testify beyond the shadow of
a doubt of His power to transform and to sustain. He enabled me to work through my
unresolved emotional issues, gave me the strength to cope with the day to day aspects of life as
a single parent, running a household and working full time. I could never have survived life
without the presence of God surrounding me, and the assurance that He is in control even in
my times of grief and sorrow. In His love for me, He answered my prayer for inner peace right
there in my times of suffering, and gave me new life; a new beginning; and reassured me for
everything there is a season, and it is now, my time to be who he has called me to be.
There is a stirring quote by Ida Scott Taylor, which says: “One day at a time–this is enough.
Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the
future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth
remembering.” http://favoriteinspirational quotes.com/one-day-at-a-time.
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In these words, I am reminded that each day I have another moment in time to get things right;
to live my life in such a way that it is pleasing to God. You see, it is not in the reaching of the
ultimate destination of our journey, that pleases God, it is how we travelled there. It is how we
faithfully lived a life of trust, integrity, love and forgiveness, and how we cultivated and
expressed the fruit of the Spirit along the way. Then each day that God wakes us up hale and
hearty, it is in how we show appreciation for the chance to live a purposeful life by being a
blessing to others; that’s what pleases God.
I heard a story about two monks who travelled together one day. Nearing the end of the day’s
journey the weather became stormy. To return home, they had to cross a flooded fjord; where
they a met a woman who was unable to get to the other side. Seeing her difficulty one of the
monks picked her up and carried her safely across. That night the other monk scolded the one
who helped, by saying, “You were wrong to carry that woman. You know our order forbids
any contact with the opposite sex.” To which the helpful monk replied, “I only carried her
across the stream; you are still carrying her.” What are you carrying that you should have put
down a long time ago? Time moves onward from the past to the present and on into the future.
We are reminded of its incessant advancement wherever we are. We are visibly prompted by
clocks, and watches; the motion of the sun, the moon and stars; and the phases of each season
that encapsulates the perpetual rhythms of life. Everywhere we go, we are constantly being
made aware that time moves inexorably onward, and there is nothing we can do to alter its
progression. If we could modify time, there would be no weathered faces, receding hairlines,
bulging waistlines, graying hairs, or hunched shoulders. Bodies that once met the active
challenges of the day with ease would not protest so loudly now at even minor exertions. Our
eyesight couldn’t fade, and our hearing wouldn’t dim. We would be active participants and not
mere bystanders at the birth of grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
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Clearly, it is because time advances at the rate of knots that even seeing a child after several
years and observing how they have grown can be an astonishing encounter. To this end,
Harvey Mackay reminds us: “Time is Free, but it's Priceless. You can’t own it, but you can use
it. You can’t keep it, but you can spend it; once you’ve lost it, you can never get it back.”
thinkexist.com/ quotation/time-is-free-but-it-s-priceless. This thought lets us understand that
time is also no respecter of persons. It is very short at best, and occasionally it can be
uncompromising, even cruel. The years pile up whether we want them to or not. Inevitably, we
can do nothing else but consider our own mortality, when loved ones and friends die.
Time does not stand still. An analysis of our current world finds it’s pretty much like the
clockmaker’s museum, where a variety of clocks all pulsate to the rhythmic flow of life.
Consequently, with each pulsating tick, new life begins it journey; another tick and for some
life has reached the half-way point of the travel; another tick and for others, time has run its
course as the long steady beep of the heart monitor signals a life has come to the end of the
journey. That’s the brevity of time; there is intensity in the actions and events that take place,
some more extraordinary that others, and not one of us can predict when they are going to
materialise or even why. So when we sense the dangers, they are to remind us of the eternity
of life. Contemplating eternity alleviates our feeling of anxiety when life threatens to
overwhelm us. That’s when we find the courage to let life advance, as life will, secured in the
wisdom that “God is always with us.” Through courage, we grasp that when life is most
difficult, He gives us more strength; and when we feel deserted, that’s when we can experience
Him the most. Time is therefore, absolutely irreversible and irreplaceable.
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That is why God wants us to redeem it, as Paul writes in Ephesians 5:16. Simply put,
redeeming the time means using our time astutely; instead of wasting it rekindling past
experiences, we are to invest it in activities that allows us to live life to its fullest, so the
experiences still to come, has more significance than those of the past. Many of us can still
look back regretfully at the things we have wasted our time on. But, the Good News is this,
God gives us the opportunity each day to redeem our time. He wants us to get our priorities
right, by spending more time with Him every day. You see, in the final analysis, that’s all that
really matters. Steve Thompson wrote: “Our most precious natural asset is time. It is more
precious than money, knowledge or political power. In the natural, time management involves
doing our best naturally to use time wisely, but redemption is a super-natural way of “buying
more time.” While time management is important, time redemption is imperative.
The
rendering of the Greek word redeem in Ephesians 5:16 means to rescue from loss. Since we
cannot manufacture time, rescuing the time we have from loss is crucial. In fact, the primary
root of the word here translated evil means wasting away or being devoured. That accurately
describes what is happening with our time, it is being devoured! http://www.anlwm.com/EREDE.htm. This signifies we are to make the most of every moment, to the glory and honour
of God. We are His, and so we live in accordance with His design for our lives; because our
lifetime is an appointed time from start to finish. To redeem the loss of time our focus must be
towards eternity and towards the sovereign control of God over our lives. He is the Potter, and
we are the clay. That is what it involves to redeem the time.
This instant, consider how you are using time; and then strategize how to redeem the time.
God’s plan for your life awaits you. Trust Him to put an end to the torment caused by how
hopeless you believe your situation to be; or how long it has been that way.
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Everything in life is a function of time. In other words, there is a divine schedule for every
activity. God not only designs a plan for our lives, He also assigns seasons, and times to them.
That is why we must grasp the significance of working in concert with God. The power to
accomplish is granted by God; we do not choose the process or the time. But, when we yield to
God, and know we are in His will, we then have the assurance of life-long achievements. Look
at your life now, and let me ask, what time is it for you today; what season are you facing;
what cycle of life are you living in? There is a time and a season for every event; so however
you answer, understand this; you are on your way to a new and better life, if you will accept
God’s invitation to live your life in His timing; for it is God, who will direct your life to
significance. Realize the beauty in every moment, even in routine activities, use time wisely.
Let go of regrets and live life whole; yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is still to come, so begin
anew today!
It is critical to live with an acute awareness of God’s timing for our life. In Ecclesiastes 3,
Solomon informs us that life is indeed a matter of timing. Already, this really should be
evident to us; since we display several clocks, schedules and diaries around our homes. Time
and timing is everything; and if timing is everything, how then should we live in the allotted
time we have been given? First of all, we need to know God, rather than just know about God.
We do this by studying His Word and then apply what we have learned to our daily living. We
need to understand the character of God, and appreciate the importance of a relationship with
Him. When we live in God's timing we know what it means to “renew our strength, to mount
up with winds like eagles to run and not get weary, to walk and not to faint.” Secure in the
knowledge that God’s plan is charting the way, not only in this life but for all eternity.
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There is a story about a Zen priest in China when the warlords were plundering rural
communities during the early part of the 19th century. When this particular hamlet heard the
warlord was headed toward them, all the villagers fled to the hills, except for one priest. When
the warlord arrived, and found only the priest in the temple, he ordered the priest to be brought
to him. When the priest stood before him, the warlord drew his sword and shouted, “Do you
know who I am? I am he who can run you through with this sword and never bat an eye.” The
priest gently replied, “Do you know who I am? I am he who can be run through with your
sword and never bat an eye.” Oh how I yearn for that kind of confidence in God when the
storms threaten my life. Don’t you? I have not reached that goal yet, but believe me, it is my
objective.
Life moves in alternation, and there’s always this tension in the way of life. In this sense, our
happiness is tied to our realization of that reality and our ability to believe that God holds us in
the palm of His hands. As a child abuse survivor, I shed too many tears, mourned too deeply,
hated too intensely, and kept silent too long. It wasn't until I chose to love God and to love
myself that I developed the freedom to live, and gained the self-assurance to speak out. When I
did, God’s healing power renewed my life, and through that transformation, I found a sense of
purpose for all my suffering. I have over the years forgiven and let go of the past, but there are
scars to prove it; memories to resent it; and testimonies to confirm it. Nothing I can write here
will alter my history, but God is using my history to transform me. In the words of the poet,
Omar Khayyam: “The moving finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on: nor all your piety
nor wit shall lure it back to cancel half a line, nor all your tears wash out a word of it."
http://wonderingminstrels.blogspot.com/2000/09/mmoving-finger-writes-and-having-rit.html.
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Nana Bea went home to be with the Lord, at the amazing age of One Hundred and Three. I had
the opportunity to leaf through her Bible after her passing. There were only a few pages that
didn’t have notations; and many of the passages she loved so much, and read so often, had my
name in the margin. I learned so much about her life of prayer, and her love for God from the
evidence in her Bible. I could see how she had lived her life. She sought the Lord deeply in all
things. Every day was bathed in prayer; and she would always let me know she was praying
for me. This old adage, “To know her is to love her” is an accurate saying for my Nana Bea.
She loved me absolutely, and I was especially blessed just being with her; in a home that was
filled with so much love, holiness, laughter and happiness. I am eternally grateful to God for
placing her into my life. She taught me that the Lord truly could be the love of my life and give
me the victory over my difficulties. She also touched the lives of so many people throughout
her lifetime, but I really believe that God placed here on this earth, especially for me. Although
she is gone, I stand as an answer to her prayers; an extension of her extraordinary faith; thank
you Nana Bea, for planting the seeds in me, which are still bearing fruit in due season.
To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven: A time to be born,
and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill,
and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to
laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather
stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a
time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time
to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war; and a
time of peace. All of life is captured here in these verses; as Solomon portrays our human
experiences as a tapestry woven of times, cycles and season, connected and ordered by God in
each of the actions and events of life that we traverse.
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The playwright Thornton Wilder once imagined that life in God's care is like a beautiful
tapestry. When viewed from the patterned or “finished” side, the tapestry has an intricate and
magnificent design. The problem is that in our daily lives, we cannot see the pattern that God is
weaving; we see only the reverse side of the tapestry. From such a prospect, our lives appear to
be nothing more than a mass of jumble threads; tangled, frayed, knotted, and seemingly
random, that makes no pattern at all. Nothing really makes sense, so we lose heart, give up, and
abandon our commitment. But, if we will only press on, here and there, in worship and in
moments of insight, we catch a glimpse of what we will ultimately see in the full light, the
great design of God's tapestry, the full propose of God's intention. (Thornton Wilder's image of
the tapestry is described in Harold Kushner's When Bad Things Happen to Good People, Hill,
1982, pp. 25-26.)
God’s Word leaves us with no doubt that He has a divine purpose for each of us in His heart,
which is directed according to His good pleasure. From the cradle to the grave, He is weaving
together a beautiful tapestry, so that our lives can be a demonstration of His glory in this world.
None of us can weave the perfect tapestry of life for ourselves, since it would never become
what God intended. God is the Weaver; He created the designed that will make our tapestry of
life a thing of astonishing beauty. When I considered the image of God skilfully weaving my
life into a tapestry of His creative design, something resonated at an even deeper level within
me. As I look back at the events of my life, I am able to get a panoramic view of the beauty of
my journey and how very much I have to be thankful for. God has indeed blessed me with a
rich and meaningful life; and I am grateful for every experience.
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The tapestry of my life is vibrant; each colour has its own impact, and significance. The
beautiful threads display a different phase of my journey so far. I imagine the yellow of fear
filled times, which God has added to the orange of faith, and reliance. The pale blue of
tentative beliefs, added to the azure blue of commitment to a life of love and service. The greys
of unrepentance added, to the brilliant white of salvation and forgiveness, and the reds, and
greens of heartache and brokenness, added to the gold and silver of renewal, and
transformation. And as I carry on with the journey, God continues to add more colours to the
tapestry of my life. At times, we catch a glimpse at what God is weaving into the fabric of our
lives. That fleeting glance at glory gives us the audacity to endure, confident that God knows
precisely what He is doing, and will not cease until He has accomplished His purpose. It is as
the scripture says in Romans 10: 11, “He who believes in Him will not be disappointed.” Corrie
ten Boom in her illustration of a tapestry; said, “The dark threads are needed to create the
tapestry, and so it is with our lives.” Without the dark “threads” of death, betrayal, and
heartache in our lives, how would we ever appreciate the light threads of joy, peace and
transformation? We learn a great deal about life when we are in our “valley” times; so that
when we are back on the mountaintop we can appreciate so much more, how wonderful it is to
be there; and less likely to take anything or anyone for granted.
As we consider God weaving the tapestry of our own lives, I would like you to consider the
aspects of life that Sr. Joan Chittister presents us with, in her summation of Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8,
for she writes: “Indeed, Ecclesiastes chapter three weighs them all; and teaches there is a time
to kill whatever it is within us that keeps our souls from flying free. There is a time, to refrain
from embracing whatever it is that is smothering the heart. There is a time to weep the tears
that dignify the going of those things and people in life who have brought us to where we are
today.
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There is a time to embrace the good of life with great thumping hugs that give energy for the
rest of the journey. There is a time to reap, to work hard, to achieve and assure the fruits of life.
There is a time to glory in the gains of life, to run through life head up and lusty, gathering as
we go, piling up the good things and laughing as we do. There is a time to love, to find
ourselves in someone else, so that we can find ourselves at all. There is a time to lose, a time to
let go of whatever has become our captor in life. There is a time to be born, fresh and full again
out of old ideas, old forms, and old shapes. There is a time to laugh, to let go of the propriety
and old pomposities and join the bungling, lunging, silly human race. There is a time to die, to
put an end to things, to stop the carousel, to surrender to the forces of time and trust them.
Then there is a time of war, of struggling against the forces within me that makes for my
destruction. There is a time to heal ourselves from the hurts that weigh us down and keep us
from taking charge of our own emotional lives. There is a time to build up, to construct the
new world, to co-create the globe, so that what we leave behind is better than what we have
received. Finally, there is a time for peace, for coming to grips with the demons within us, for
staring them down and smoothing them out, so that we can spread peace like velvet. And who
shall do these things? The philosophers say the system will. The psychologists say the psyche
will. Ecclesiastes, drawing both on reason and on faith, says, no, it is only we ourselves who
can complete the dance of life only by dancing it ourselves, with all our hearts, with all our
souls. By its very definition, Ecclesiastes implies, life simply demands it of us.” Time: The
Great Spiritual Director" Program #4019 February 16, 1997.
In the final analysis, every aspect of life is related to a season. God has a divine purpose for
each of us, even in the choosing of the multi-coloured threads of our lives, which He lovingly
and precisely weaves into the finished work of a remarkable tapestry.
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This enables us to understand that God works in cycles, seasons, and times, during which he
accomplishes the divine design of the plans that He has in mind for us. As such, He has no
need to calculate the cycles, seasons and times by clocks, schedules and calendars; because He
is God. Therefore, He determines the purposes of life through revelation and truth. In
harmony with His plan and purpose, there are seasons, we went through that were difficult to
fathom, but by going through them God revealed to us more about life and living from His
divine perspective. The truth is that without those harsh seasons, we would not have gained the
wisdom needed to live the life God expects of us. Then there were seasons when we asked,
“why me,” during such puzzling times, God snatched us out of the depths of despair, and
revealed His power as an on-time God, so that we could learn to be totally reliant on Him. If
not for those times and seasons we would not have grown in our understanding of His mercy
and His grace; or come to appreciate that He is in control of all life. Through each season, God
prepares us with a fresh word of revelation and truth, in readiness for the seasons still to come.
And until His purposes are accomplished, the seasons of testing and trials will never be over.
We know this because Philippians 1: 6 makes it clear “being confident of this, that he who
began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Accordingly, every time we enter a new season, He reveals more of Himself to us, through
revelation and truth.
Changing seasons, however, brings with it new challenges. Whether it is in the spring, summer,
autumn or winter that our challenges come, each of those events or actions are continually
adding to the transformation of our lives. In view of that, we must be grateful for every season
along the way, because there will come a time when we will attain the timeless season of our
manifest immortality in Christ. Until then, we rest assured in the knowledge that, “to
everything there is a season.”
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And for each season, we have travelled, we give Him praise for the lessons we have learned, as
He guides us in His Way. We adore Him for loving us unconditionally and teaching us how to
love others as He loves us. We worship Him for His forever friendship, and the family and
friends, He has sent our way, if even for a little while. We give Him thanks for being the source
of our lives, our strength, our comforter, our healer and Saviour; and for His divine presence
through the indwelling of His Holy Spirit. Then, for every miracle great or small we exalt
Him, for without His grace, we would merely “exist” without “purpose, passion or power.”
It is by way of our appreciation for all He has done, that we recognise no matter what season
we are in; it’s always a season to enjoy and take pleasure in the life that God has given us and
to share the gift of life in Jesus Christ with others. To trust God’s timing in all things and use
every moment to its fullest to serve God to our very best. It’s always a time to understand that
life itself is a journey of spiritual discovery, and not merely a sequence of destinations. The
many challenges along the way are the occurrences that make life more meaningful. No
“single” event or action determines how our journey will develop; since, everything we
encounter in life is a lesson. Everyone we meet, all we contend with, are all parts of the
learning experience called ‘the journey of life.’ Therefore, there is a time for everything, but
we must grasp that the only time we have is now. And, now beckons us to the open window
into eternity; to the incredible purpose and plan God has for our lives. This quote reminds us:
“There remains much more of the road than we have put behind us; but the greater part of
progress, is the desire to progress” ~ Seneca.
The desire for progress is a powerful motivation that propels us towards our possibilities.
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Appropriately, there can be no better way to make progress on our journey of life, than by
choosing to accept the love God so freely gives us. Our lives are filled with choices; from our
first breath until our last. We make choices, often times without even thinking about them.
They become automatic responses to the circumstances surrounding us. Making informed
choices is not something that just happens; it requires effort on our part; and the choices we
make today will shape our tomorrow. So, why not make choices centred on God’s Word, and
not on our emotions? I know that seeing God’s hand in the midst of our darkest times is not
always easy; but in faith, we press on and persevere. Life demands that we respond to many
things. We live in a tough world, but the way we respond is a choice we have to make; and
victory will be ours when we make the right choices.
We are all the workmanship of God in progress. Who we are, the conditions we face are all
part of our journey. The seasons, cycles and time of life may appear to be without rhyme or
reason. However, at any moment in time be aware that we are indeed moving along the journey
according to a purposeful route. We may find ourselves confused and wavering, even lost
momentarily, but, God is always with us. He walks with us, and when the terrain gets too
difficult, He turns the “cracks” on our pathway into a fertile causeway of growth. No matter
how grim your current struggles may be, if you desire change, accept God’s divine design for
your life today. Desire is the prerequisite. Then God will ignite within you a hunger and thirst
to start a relationship with Him. From that moment on He will be the lamp to your feet and the
light for your path. (Psalm 119:105).
God does not coerce us to listen; He gently invites us, and waits for us to be receptive. When
with desire, we respond, He gives us the spiritual guidance we need.
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At times when the Lord invites us to come to Him, we hesitate, unsure we really need the Lord,
or perhaps we do not want to hear what He is asking of us. You may ask, does a belief in God
really change anything about my life? If that is your reservation, consider this, The Bible is
clear on this issue. It tells us that believing in God changes everything about our lives.
Accepting God into our lives is a life-altering certainty, not only in the hope that it gives us for
the future, but in the way God’s presence can transform our lives now. Accepting God brings
with it all of the blessings of His kingdom family. God promises to those who love Him that
He will care for them like a father cares for his children. For example, while on their journey,
God’s people faced many obstacles, that made them afraid. But God told them: “Do not be
terrified; do not be afraid of them. The Lord your God who is going before you will fight for
you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how
the Lord our God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went till you reached
this place.” (Deuteronomy 1:29-31)
God cares for each of us in real and meaningful ways by providing for our needs and protecting
us from harm. And so He says to us: “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find;
knock and the door will be opened unto you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks
finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread,
will give him a stone? Or if he asks for fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are
evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven
give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:7-11) With such a remarkable promise,
God invites us to ask Him for help, and confirms He will hear and answer! The question then
becomes; do you need God’s help in traversing this challenging and often confusing journey of
life? Because, if you do, God says all you have to do is ask! He very much wants you to
succeed; but you must make the choice to ask Him for what you need.
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God opens the door of possibility to you today, He says; “I have set before you life and death,
blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.” (Deuteronomy
30:13-19). Change your perception about God and value this opportunity. Open up to Him now
and tell Him how much you hurt. You can’t repair your problems on our own; you need God.
The awesome power of God is available to you; connect with that power through faith today.
There is no better measure of success than making a sincere connection with the Creator, who
in His power can give us the ability to accomplish anything and everything. The choice is
yours, and He is awaiting your response. The moment you do, He will begin the work of
transforming every aspect of your life. Effectively, the goal is the journey, and how we arrive,
only Our Time Will Tell!
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It’s not where or when you arrive, it’s taking the Journey that counts!
This is an inspiring illustration of how to live life fully in spite
of the heartache and pains we face on the journey of life.
“Everyone should read this book; it’s about, seasons of life,
healing, restoration, purpose, destiny and hope. Whether you
have been or are going through something, where one may
feel hopelessness, worry, fear, following Faye’s journey, as
she has trusted and kept her faith in God through the seasons
of her life. Seeing her now, how she has come through, how
God has kept her, it’s like pure gold refined through the fire.”
Bishop Jannette Napier, Founder of Shabach Outreach
Ministries International.
My reflections of the journey of life are bound together in this
story of God’s transforming power, even in the darkest of
times. It will help increase your level of faith and confidence. As it challenges you to stop
allowing your circumstance to control you, and take full control of your circumstance. This
book gives you the essence of living a life that matters. Even when death, divorce and despair
try its best to destroy us, God gives us the power to take control and make positive changes
toward living life abundantly.

It’s time for you to overcome the many challenges you have experienced.

Expand your vision, increase your self-confidence, and utilize the power within.

Put the past behind you and take full control of our life.

Embrace the challenges.

Stop taking it out on yourself, and let God take the self out of you!
I have a burning passion to see everyone come to know the depth of God’s love, and to
discover their purpose and appreciate their value. Maxixe-Faye Wilson-Billet is a pastor,
residential social worker; Christ centred counsellor, and retreat host.
Visit with her on her Google web-site: toilersinchrist.com
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Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible New International Version (NIV),
Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society, Hodder & Stoughton.
The Holy Bible, New King James Version, Copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.
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