The Importance of Being Earnest: In Seventeen and a Half Minutes of Less
Cast:
Director
Props Manager
Algernon Moncrieff
John (Jack/Ernest) Worthing, J.P.
Gwendolen Fairfax
Cecily Cardew
Lady Bracknell
Lady Prism
Dr. Fredrick Chasuble
Merriman
Lane
Piano
Door bell
Letter # 1, 2 and 3
Cigarette Case
Calling Card
Cecily’s Diary
Gwendolen’s Diary
Tea
Sugar
Cucumber Sandwiches
Muffins
Bread and Butter
Cake
Hand Bag
Ring
Military Registry
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(The director enters.)
(Lane enters.)
Lane: I’m Lane, Algernon’s Butler.
Algernon: (entering and looking around) Hold up…I’m supposed to be playing a
piano. Where’s my piano?
Props Manager: (entering) Oh no! We’ve forgotten all the props!
Director: (entering) What?
Props Manager: They must have left them at our rehearsal space – should I go back
and get them?
Director: No, there’s no time. We’re on the clock. I just promised this audience a
play in 17 and a half minutes or less.
Props Manager: But what are we going to do?
Director: I know! Understudies! (All understudies enter.)
Understudies: Yes.
Director: You guys know the play better than anyone. You will play the props.
Understudies: Huh?
Director: Just do it!
Understudies: (shrugging) Okay.
Director: You, props manager, make it work.
Director: Okay, so my cast is ready to present to you our version of Oscar Wild’s
“The Imporance of Being Earnest” in 17 and a half minutes or less. Act one begins
at Algernon’s rather extravagant flat in England’s west end. I will tell you all about
the scenes as we go because not having set changes, saves time.
Props Manager: But I organize props, not people.
Director: Make it work, I said.
Jack: Hello Algie. (Lane exits.)
Props Manager: Alright, alright.
Algernon: Hello, chap. What brings you? Business or pleasure?
Algernon: So I’m playing piano. So who wants to be my piano?
Jack: I have come to propose to Gwendolen, your cousin.
Props Manager: (pointing) You, you’re going to be the piano.
Algernon: Ah, business.
Piano: (entering) Okay (Trying to sound like a piano) Ding, ding, ding, ding…(the
props manager seems frustrated with the piano)
Jack: Business? But, I’m in love with Gwendolen.
Lane: You’re not very good at playing piano.
Algernon: But to propose marriage - Marriage is a business.
Algernon: Yes, well, I’m doing my best with what I have. (He pushes the piano
offstage.) Do you have you the tea, bread and butter and cucumber sandwiches
prepared, Lane?
Jack: I’m not sure I agree.
Algernon: You are in luck, either way. My aunt, Lady Bracknell, will be coming
over shortly and bringing my cousin, Gwendolen.
Lane: Indeed, they are right here. Tea! Bread and butter! Cucumber Sandwiches!
Jack: Oh, that is wonderful. (Seeing the cucumber sandwiches.) Who’s this?
Props Manager: (pointing to each person) You will be the tea – you will be the
bread and butter and you will be the cucumber sandwich.
Bread and Butter, Cucumber Sandwiches and Tea: (entering) Okay.
Algernon: The cucumber sandwich is especially important because I promised my
Aunt I would have them for her.
Algernon: Don’t you recognize a fresh cucumber sandwich when you see it. (pulling
the cucumber sandwich toward him) And don’t you touch – They are for my aunt.
Mmm, they do look really good these cucumber sandwiches. I’ll just have a bite or
to. But you may eat the bread and butter. (give Jack the bread and butter) But not
too enthusiastically - Gwendolen adores her bread and butter.
Jack: Fine. (Jack pushes the bread and butter offstage.)
Doorbell: (the props manager pushes the doorbell out) Ding, dong. Ding, dong.
Ding, dong. Someone is at the door. (exits)
Lane: (leaning as if he hears the door) I hear a door bell. I’m the butler, I will get
the door. (exits)
Algernon: I’m so glad I’m upper class so that I have servants to answer the door for
me.
Lane: (enters) Announcing Earnet B. Worthing. (Jack enters.)
Algernon: Oops! I seem to have eaten all of the cucumber sandwiches (pushes the
cucumber sandwiches offstage)
Algernon: I don’t think I shall approve of you and Gwendolen unless you clear up
the matter of Cecily.
Jack: Cecily? I know no Cecily.
Algernon: Yes, you do. I have your cigarette case and her name is on it. Cigarette
case. (cigarette case enters.)
Jack: That’s where that went – I was about to offer a large reward for its return.
Algernon: I wish you would – I could use the money.
Jack: Give it to me. (Jack keeps trying to get the case, but Algernon blocks him and
keeps the case.)
Jack: I won’t allow it. I am Cecily’s guardian. It’s a big responsibility. Which is
why, when I’m in the city, I can behave as I please as Earnest, my naughty little
brother, but then I can still be a good example to Cecily as her Uncle Jack. Although,
I fear I shall have to kill off my brother Earnest, because Cecily seems far too
intrigued by him.
Algernon: Say he died of a severe chill.
Algernon: First explain why it says:
Cigarette Case: To my dear uncle Jack, love little Cecily.
Door Bell: (entering) Ding Dong, Ding Dong, Ding Dong. Someone is at the door.
(Doorbell exits. Lane enters.)
Algernon: Now who is Jack I wonder?
Lane: Lady Bracknell and Gwendolen have arrived.
Jack: I’m Jack. It’s short for John – John is my name.
Lady Bracknell: Hello. Where are my cucumber sandwiches?
Algernon: But I’ve always called you Earnest. You answer to the name. You even
look like an Earnest – in fact, you are the most Earnest person I have ever met.
Algernon: (looking guilty for a moment) Lane, where are the cucumber sandwiches
I requested for my auntie.
Jack: Well, if you must know, my name is Earnest in the city and Jack in the
country. See! Here is my Calling Card. Calling Card!
Lane: I could find no cucumbers at the market today.
Algernon: Very upsetting, Lane, very upsetting. (Lane bows and exits.)
Calling Card: (entering) Earnest B Worthing.
Jack: I had them made up. Here, take the card. Now give me my case. (He takes the
cigarette case from Algernon and Algernon takes the card.)
Algernon: Ah, yes, I see how this works – it’s like my sick imaginary friend named.
Whenever people want to me to go do something boring, then I simply say that I
have to visit my sick friend Bumbury and then I go do as I please. But what of the
second part of the inscription? It says:
Cigarette Case: Love little Cecily
Lady Bracknell: Oh well. I have come to tell you that you will accompany me to a
formal dinner tonight.
Algernon: Ahhh, but I cannot, Auntie, I have to see my, ahhh, sick friend, Bumbury.
He is quite ill. (Jack and Algie give each other thumbs up and wink and nod.)
Lady Bracknell: Oh that Bumbury. His infernal sickness is always getting in the
way of my social life.
Algernon: Well, I could still go over that music program for the event in the music
room.
Jack: She’s my ward. And she is much to pretty for you.
Lady Bracknell: Very well. (Lady Bracknell and Algernon exit.)
Algernon: Pretty? She sounds perfect for me.
Jack: I love you, Gwendolen.
Algernon: (entering) And I play the wedding march.
Gwendolen: I love you too, Earnest.
Piano: (entering) Dum, dum, dum, dum…dum, dum, dum, dum.
Jack: I want to marry you.
Jack : Would you please stop that.
Gwendolen: I will marry you. I’ve always wanted to marry someone named Earnest.
I don’t think I could marry someone of another name.
Algernon: I think your piano needs a tuning. (pushes the piano offstage) How did it
go?
Jack: You mean you wouldn’t love me if my name was not Earnest?
Jack: She said she will not let us marry.
Gwendolen: (thinks for a moment) No, I don’t think so.
Algernon: That sounds like my Aunt. (Gwendolen enters.)
Jack: But what if my name was say…Jack.
Gwendolen: Eeek! Oh, no, no boring old Jack – no ,no ,no, thank goodness your
name is Earnest.
Gwendolen: Mama will not let us marry, but this makes me love you all the more.
What is your address in the country so that I may get a chance to visit some time?
(Algernon listen’s in.)
Jack: (nervously) Yes, ah, thank goodness. (Lady Bracknell enters.)
Jack: It’s the Manor House Country Estate in Hertfordshire.
Gwendolen: Mama, I’m engaged.
Gwendolen: I love you, good bye.
Lady Bracknell: Engaged?
Jack: Good bye, Algie. I have to go. (Jack exits.)
Gwendolen: To Earnest. (Lady Bracknell picks Gwendolen up and moves her away
from Earnest.)
Algernon: Lane! (Lane enters.) I will be away this weekend. If anyone asks, I’m
visiting my imaginary friend, Mr. Bumbury.
Lady Bracknell: Hmmm. We shall see. You’ll have to answer a series of questions
for me, like…How old are you? How much money do you make? Where do you
live? Who are your parents?
Lane: Yes, sir.
Jack: Hold it right there…I don’t know my parents. I’m an orphan. I was found in
grand central station in a handbag on the Brighten Line.
Lady Bracknell: Oh my! Well, I will not allow my daughter to marry anyone
without adequate lineage. Let’s go, Gwendolen. (Gwendolen and Lady Bracknell
exit.)
Algernon: Come with me, calling card. I have plans for you. (The calling card
shrugs and is pulled offstage with Algernon. Props exit.)
Director: Act 2: Outside the Manor House, Jack’s country estate in Hertfordshire.
And don’t forget to bring out the tea for this scene.
Tea: (entering) But last time I just stayed there the whole scene and didn’t do
anything.
Merrimen: A man just arrive. He wants me to give you this card.
Director: There is tea in every scene – it sets the mood for the play. Besides, in this
scene there is a little fight and you’re involved.
Calling Card: Earnest B Worthing.
Tea: Okay. That sounds exciting. (Cecily and Miss Prism enter.)
Cecily: Oh my! Show the young man in!
Miss Prism: Cecily, pay attention to your lessons. Remember that your uncle Jack
encourages you to improve yourself.
Merriman: Yes ma’am. (Merriman exits and Algernon enters.)
Algernon: (puts arm around Cecily) Hello, my little cousin, Cecily. Where is Jack?
Cecily: Uncle Jack is so serious.
Cecily: Hello, Uncle Jack won’t be back until Monday.
Miss Prism: That is because he must always worry and chase after his troublesome
brother, Earnest.
Algernon: That means I have some time to get to know you.
Cecily: (sighs) Oh, Earnest. (Diary enters.)
Cecily: Until Jack comes and sends you away to try to reform you.
Diary: (entering) Cecily takes me out, her diary, and starts writing about her
daydreaming of Earnest.
Algernon: Why don’t you reform me?
Cecily: I don’t think I want to reform you.
Miss Prism: Stop documenting in your diary and rely on your memory.
Cecily: Memory is often wrong and responsible for long boring novels.
Algernon: Well, then I shall reform myself…after I eat – I’m hungry. Let’s eat. One
can’t reform on an empty stomach. (they exit)
Miss Prism: Do not put down the novel. I once wrote one myself. (Cecily seems
surprised. Dr. Rev. Chancible enters)
Miss Prism: (entering with Dr. Rev Chancible) What a pleasure it is to walk with
you.
Cecily: Reverand Chancible, how fortunate you arrived. Miss Prism has a headache.
You should walk her around a bit so that she feels better.
Dr Chancible: And I with you.
Dr Chancible: It would be my pleasure.
Jack: (entering in black clothing) Reverand Chancible – just the man I wanted to
see.
Miss Prism: Very well, let us walk. Cecily, continue your studies while I am gone.
(They exit)
Miss Prism: Oh my, I didn’t know you were home. How is your immoral brother
doing?
Diary: But Cecily does not study. She writes more about her Earnest fantasies.
(Merrimen enters)
Jack: Oh, he’s dead. (Dr. Rev Chancible and Mrs Prism are shocked.) He caught a
sever chill.
Dr Chancible and Miss Prism: Oh my.
Jack: Reverand Chancible, I need you to christen me as Earnest, you know, out of
respect for my little brother. So that I can remember him forever.
Jack: I need to change my suit – now that I’m not in mourning for my dead brother
anymore! (exits mad – Cecily enters)
Algernon: Little Cecily – I think I’m falling in love with you. We should get
engaged?
Dr. Chancible: I’m sure that could be arranged. (Cecily enters)
Cecily: But we are engaged already.
Cecily: Uncle Jack, you’re back early! You’ll never guess who is in the dining
room?
Algernon: We are?
Jack: Who?
Cecily: Yes, here are all the love letters. (Love letters enter.)
Cecily: You’re brother Earnest. (All shocked)
Love Letter # 1: I love you. From Earnest.
Jack: What?
Love Letter # 2: I love you. Marry me. From Earnest.
Dr. Chancible: I thought you said that he had died.
Love Letter # 3: I love you. I’m so glad you agreed to marry me. From Earnest.
Jack: (angry) Apparently not!
Algernon: But I haven’t written you any letters.
Dr Chancible: I think we should go.
Cecily: I know, I hadn’t met you yet so I had to write them myself. And look at
these journal entries. Yes, here’s where I broke it off. See.
Miss Prism: Yes. (Miss Prism and Dr. Rev Chancible exit. Algernon enters. Cecily
stands beside Algernon.)
Diary: Today I broke off my engagement with Earnest. The weather continues to be
pleasant.
Algernon: Hello Brother. (Jack looks mad.)
Algernon: I’m upset you broke it off – especially when the weather was so pleasant.
Cecily: I’ll go and let you two talk things over, but please don’t be mad at him,
Uncle Jack. (Cecily exits.)
Cecily: Well, every serious relationship needs one break up. Besides I forgave you
the next day.
Algernon: Yes, don’t be mad at me. I’m only here because of my poor sick friend
Bunbury.
Algernon: Oh you dear.
Jack: Bunbury indeed. I want you to leave.
Cecily: And here’s the ring you bought me (ring enters).
Algernon: No, I don’t think so. I like it here.
Algernon: Wow! That’s a really big ring.
Cecily: Yes, but I’m just going to take it off for now. (The ring exits.) You know, it
makes me so happy that your name is Earnest. For I can only love a man name
Earnest.
Cecily: Please, let’s be civilized.
Algernon: Oh, you don’t mean that your couldn’t love me if my name was not
Earnest.
Cecily: Good…Would you like some tea and cake?
Gwendolen: Oh, I can be civil.
Cecily: No, I could not love a man who was not named Earnest.
Gwendolen: No cake – I hate cake. I will have some tea, no sugar and some bread
and butter.
Algernon: Ah, I need to talk to that reverend I saw about a christening…ah…of a
friend. Excuse me. (Algernon exits. Merriman enters.)
Cecily: Sugar! Cake! Merriman! (Merriman, sugar and cake enter.) Give this to
Miss Fairfax. (Merriman gives the tea and sugar and cake to Gwendolen.)
Merriman: Gwendolen Fairfax is here. (Gwendolen enters. Merriman exits.)
Gwendolen: (Gwendolen looks at the cake and sugar and gets very angry) You have
put sugar in my tea and given me cake. You trumpet! (Gwendolen and Cecily begin
to fight. Jack enters and Gwendolen runs to him.) Earnest, oh my dear, Earnest – are
you engaged to this lady.
Cecily: Hello, Miss Gwendolen Fairfax. What brings you here?
Gwendolen: Who are you?
Jack: Ah no, this is my ward, Cecily.
Cecily: I am ward to the owner of the property.
Cecily: But his name is not Earnest, it’s Jack.
Gwendolen: A ward? Earnest never mentioned such a thing. You are young and
pretty and this concerns me.
Gwendolen: Jack? (Gwendolen moves away from Jack. Algernon enters and Cecily
goes to him.)
Cecily: Oh, not Earnest’s ward – I am Jack’s ward. (Looks relieved) I’m engaged to
Earnest.
Cecily: Oh my dear, Earnest, are you engaged to this woman?
Gwendolen: (gasps) There must be some mistake. I’m engaged to Earnest.
Algernon: Heavens no – that is my cousin, Gwendolen.
Cecily: (gasps) Well, he’s obviously changed his mind because he confirmed our
engagement only moments ago.
Gwendolen: Yes, but his name is not Earnest, it’s Algernon. (Cecily moves away
from Algernon.)
Gwendolen: (gasps) You have obviously tricked him!
Cecily: Is this true?
Cecily: (gasps) I resent such an accusation.
Algernon: Well…I...I…
Gwendolen: If the shoe fits wear it.
(Cecily and Gwendolen consult.)
Gwendolen: Jack, we would like to know where your brother Earnest is, since we
are both engaged to him.
Cecily: Why did you pretend to be Jack’s brother to me.
Jack: Um…well…he…okay, okay. I made him up. I have no brother named
Earnest.
Algernon: So that I could meet you. (Cecily looks happy with this answer and
stands with Algernon.)
Gwendolen: Let’s go, Cecily. We will leave these two scoundrels to themselves.
Gwendolen: Is that why you pretended to be your brother? So that you could come
to town to see me?
Cecily: Yes, of course. (Cecily and Gwendolen exit.)
Jack: This is all your fault, Algie.
Algernon: Yes, it is quite a pickle (laughing). Muffins. (Muffins enter.)
Jack: How could you doubt it? (Gwendolen looks happy with this answer and stands
with Jack.)
.
Gwendolen: But your names are still an issue. (Cecily and Gwendolen push
Algernon and Jack away.)
Jack: How can you sit there eating muffins so calmly?
Algernon: Well, I can’t eat them agitatedly – I’ll get crumbs in my cuffs. And eating
calms me down.
Jack: But we are both going to be christened by the name of Earnest before the day
is out.
Gwendolen: You are both so brave. (Gwendolen goes back to Jack.)
Jack: Well, I’m going to eat muffins too. (Takes the muffins away.)
Cecily: We love you. (Cecily goes back to Algernon.)
Algernon: No, take the bread and butter. Bread and butter! (Bread and butter enters
and Algernon pushes the bread toward him.) – I like the muffins (They tug of war
over the muffins.)
Merriman: (entering) Lady Fairfax is here. (Lady Fairfax enters and picks up
Gwendolen
Jack: This is silly. I’m leaving.
Lady Bracknell: Aren’t you suppose to be at your friend, Bunbury’s bedside?
Algernon: And I’m following! (The props shrug and exit.)
Algernon: He’s…ah…dead. (All gasp.)
Director: Act 3 – In the drawing room. Cecily and Gwendolen are there. (Cecily and
Gwendolen enter looking mad and talking about how upset they are.) And also…
Lady Bracknell: Dead? (Thinks about it.) Well, I guess he will not be getting in the
way of my social life anymore
Tea: (entering) Let me guess – don’t forget to bring on the tea.
Algernon: Auntie, this is Cecily, my fiancé.
Director: Yes! Really try to look like a teapot in this seen.
Lady Bracknell: We’ll see about that. I have some questions for you, young lady.
Tea: Okay. (Algernon and Jack enter.)
Jack: She has a rather large inheritance from her late parents.
Lady Bracknell: Questions are over – you may marry my nephew.
Jack: But wait, I do not give my consent for them to marry and I will not unless, you
give you consent for Gwendolen to marry me.
Lady Bracknell: No, sorry, I cannot agree. I guess there will be no marriage – Let’s
go, Gwendolen. (They go to leave, but stop when Dr. Rev Chancible.)
Miss Prism(crying) On the day in question I left the house with both the baby and a
handbag containing a novel I had been working on, but that at some point I must
have absentmindedly confused the two, placing the manuscript in the carriage and
the baby in the handbag.
Lady Bracknell: Where did you leave the handbag?
Miss Prism: In the train station – the Brighten line.
Dr Chancible: I am ready for the Christenings.
Jack: Oh my! Stay right there! (runs offstage and grabs the handbag) This handbag?
Jack: There’s no need for that now
Miss Prism: Yes, this is the one…I’m happy to have it back.
Dr. Chancible: Fine then. Miss Prism is waiting for me anyway. I will go to her.
Jack: Mother. (Hugs Miss Prism. She throws him off.)
Lady Bracknell: Miss Prism did you say?
Dr. Chancible: Yes.
Lady Bracknell: We are staying. Tell Miss Prism to come here at once.
Miss Prism: I am not your mother! Lady Bracknell can tell you the information you
seek.
Lady Bracknell: Miss Prism was my sister’s nanny. You are the oldest child of my
sister. Which means, you are Algernon’s older brother.
Dr. Chancible: She is coming now. (She enters – she sees lady Bracknell and gasps
then hides her face.)
Jack: Brother?
Lady Bracknell: Where is that baby, Miss Prism?
Algernon: Brother! (puts his arm on him)
Everyone: Baby?
Lady Bracknell: I guess I have no objections to your marriage then.
Lady Bracknell: The one that you were supposed to be taking care of 28 years ago?
Cecily, Gwendolen, Jack and Algernon: Hurray!
Gwendolen: But there is still the issue of you name.
Everyone: Huh
Jack: Yes, what is my name, Aunt Bracknell?
Lady Bracknell: Yes, Miss Prism left a certain house in Grosvenor Square with a
baby carriage containing a male infant and never returned, the carriage was found
some weeks later in Bayswater containing a novel manuscript and the baby in
question was never found.
Lady Bracknell: The same as your fathers.
Jack: What was my father’s name?
Lady Bracknell: I don’t remember. He was a general in the Army – General
Moncrief.
Director: Yes, it’s certainly does change the dynamic of the production.
Everyone: Yeah.
Jack: Well then, if he was a military man, I can just look it up. Military Registry!
(The Military Registry enters.) Look here! My father’s name was:
Props Manager: But please, let’s not forget the props again.
Military Registration: General Earnest John Moncrief.
Everyone: Good plan!
Jack: That means my name is Earnest. And my middle name is John, so my name is
also Jack. This means that I’ve been telling the truth this whole time. Even down to
the fact that I have an unruly younger brother.
Gwendolen: My Earnest – I love you!
Algernon: And I will be christened Earnest today.
Cecily: Oh, Earnest.
Jack: I have just realized how importance of being Earnest! (Everyone enters.)
Everyone: The End!!!
Bread and Butter: You know what I’ve realized?
Sugar: What?
Bread and Butter: The importance of props.
Everyone: Yeah.
Ring: It’s true – I see it all in a whole new light now!
Everyone: Yeah.
Hand Bag: Yea, and the handbag was sort of like the hero. The whole play sort of
centered around finding me. I totally saved the day in the end.