NONPROFIT
ORGANIZATION
U.S. POSTAGE PAID
NORFOLK VA
PERMIT NO 365
Vol. 13 Issue 7
July 2014
Meetings:
The Tidewater Chapter of
the Compassionate Friends
meets the 3rd Tuesday at
7:00 pm each month, except
December, at the Kempsville
Presbyterian Church at 805
Kempsville Road, Virginia
Beach, VA
Tues, July 15, 2014
Tues, Aug 19, 2014
Tues, Sep 16, 2014
Chapter Leaders:,
Maureen & Bill Harman
(757) 484-8161
Newsletter Editor:
Maureen Harman (757) 484-8161
Treasurer:
Audrey Viands
The mission of The Compassionate
Friends is to assist families
toward the positive resolution of
grief following the death of a
child of any age and to provide
information to help others be
supportive.
www.tcftidewater.org
Chapter Phone: 757-484-8161
Chapter E-mail: billandmoe@msn.com
Contents
Chapter Mailing Address:
Maureen and William Harman
3304 Bruin Drive
Chesapeake, VA 23321
- Patti Smith
The Beautiful Name of
Parent
Next Meetings are:
The Beautiful
Name of Parent
Grandparents
Remembrance
About Feeling
Guilty
The Isolation
of Grief
Birthdays
Anniversaries
Love Gifts
Contacts
Those who have suffered understand
suffering and therefore extend their
hand.
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People often ask why there is not a
word for someone who has lost a child.
For me the answer is quite simple; I am
and always will be a parent. The death of
our child does not take that precious title
away from any of us. Nothing and no one
can ever change the fact that we are
parents. We gave life to, nurtured and
raised our children, for however long or
short their lives were. “Parent” is a living
word. It is an eternal word.
Our children would want us to
remember that we are their parents now
and forever. They would want the name
of “parent” that was bestowed on us at
their birth to live on in our hearts. We are
still actively parenting our children. We
continue to bring life to our children by
loving them now and forever. There is not
and should never be a word to signify the
endless love of a parent.
Janet G. Reyes
TCF Alamo Area
Chapter, TX
Vol 13, Issue 7
Page
Vol 13, Issue 7
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Page 7
Grandparents Remembrance:
We are the grieving grandparents, the shepherds of our children
and grandchildren’s lives. Our grief is two‐fold and at times we feel
powerless to help. We seek to comfort our children in the depths of
their grief and yet we need the time and space to face our own
broken hearts. We have been robbed of the special tender touch a
grandparent shares with a grandchild, and we have lost a symbol
of our immortality. As we walk by our child’s side, we both give and
draw strength. We reach into their hearts to comfort them, and
when they reach out to us in their distress, we begin the journey to
heal together. We continue to be their guardians. We allow
traditions to change to accommodate their loss. We support the
new ones, which symbolize the small steps on their journey. It is in
their healing that our hearts find comfort.
Susan Mackey
TCF Rutland, VT
About Feeling Guilty
Do you blame yourself?
Are you strangled by the burden
of things you think you “should have done,”
as if these were the things
that killed him?
Dear Griever,
take time to realize
that death is not in your hands
and blame is not the answer.
Try to relinquish
this relentless torment.
Hold your heart now
with the tenderness
that human grief deserves.
By Sascha Wagner
The Poems of Sascha Wagner
©The Compassionate Friends
All Rights Reserved
Love Gifts
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A love gift is a living memorial to our child, usually given on
anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. Since there is no charge
for newsletters, meetings, etc., we depend solely on donations,
which are tax deductible.
“Love gifts” should be made payable to “Compassionate Friends”
and sent to: Compassionate Friends, c/o Audrey Viands, 3700
Northwood Court, Virginia Beach, VA
23452
We thank you for the love gifts we have received for our July
Newsletter:
Sudie Hilliard, in loving memory of her son, Roscelious Shark
Hilliard
Catherine McCoy, “in loving memory of my son, James who is
missed every moment of these last nine years (James Andrew
Caswell)”
Lillian Miller, “in loving memory of my beloved and precious
son, Steven Henry Cutler”
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Would you like someone to talk to? A
caring friend with a listening heart?
These members have offered to help:
Bill & Maureen Harman (757) 484-8161
(Chapter Leaders)
Patty Quirk – (757) 321-0991
Robin Brinn – (757) 287-7700
Norm & Betty Lou Everett – (757) 961-9076
Contacts
The National Office of TCF:
The Compassionate Friends, National
Office
P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL
60522
Toll free no: (877) 969-0010
Regional Coordinator:
Kathy Collins(703) 425-9504
Friendship doubles our joy
and divides our grief ~
Swedish Proverb
Message from the Editor
The newsletter is sent out to be copied and mailed the last week of each month. To make sure your “love
gift” is acknowledged in the newsletter, it needs to be received no later than the 24th of each month. Thank
you so much for your continued support.
Per the guidelines provided by TCF National Office newsletters may not list actual dates (birth dates/death
anniversaries) … Month/day/Year
Copyright ©2014 The Compassionate Friends, Inc.
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Vol 13, Issue 7
Page 6
(cont)
Page 3
Vol 13, Issue 7
The Isolation of Grief
I managed to make sure that I fed my surviving kids and took them
to school and practices, but I was no longer the mom they were used
to. They stopped wanting to talk to me about how they felt because
they knew it would make me even sadder, and they were frightened
that not only did they lose their sister, but there was a potential that
their mom was losing her ability to take care of them.
Over that first year or so, the suffocating pain began to lessen,
though not by as much as I would have hoped. I got better at doing
those everyday tasks that didn’t seem so impossible anymore. I
began to adjust to the “new normal” any grieving person must accept.
Then the isolation of grief began to change. While I started answering
the phone and accepting some of those invitations, I felt isolated in
the sense that I continued to think of my daughter and experience the
pain constantly, but very few people talked about my grief or even
mentioned her name any more. I felt completely alone.
Support groups and counseling helped. So did reaching out to
other parents who had lost children, and I preferred their company
over others. I found myself part of the secret society of grieving
parents who mostly keep their grief to themselves and only share it
with those who understand because they are faced with the same
loss and pain. I found that sharing my feelings with these people
helped me immensely.
Now that more time has passed, I am learning how to balance
becoming fully reinvested in life while respecting my continuing needs
for grief support. I still look forward to support groups and talking with
other bereaved people, but I also appreciate that when I allow myself
to enjoy and appreciate everyday life, joy will come even without my
daughter being physically here.
Despite my continued longing for her to be at my side and the
ability to experience the wonder of watching her grow, I know that she
will always be with me in spirit. She is forever in my heart, my
memories, and my thoughts. And these days, I don’t mind sharing
that with anyone who cares to get to know me.
Maria Kubitz
TCF Contra Costa County, CA
In Memory of my daughter, Margareta
Now, I’ve never been a stranger to the isolation that comes from feeling
like you just don’t fit into your surroundings. But I’ve never felt as isolated
in my whole life as I have after the death of my daughter.
As a child, I was a shy, introverted person and often felt different than the
people around me. At the time, I never really knew why. While I didn’t like
the feeling of isolation, I didn’t understand what caused it so it just became
a fact of life. Over the years my shyness has lessened, but I still prefer
interacting with small groups or one-on-one in-person conversations, and
still look forward to time alone. I’ve learned to accept it as my personality,
and it works for me.
After my daughter died, my sense of isolation grew exponentially as a
result of grief.
In the immediate aftermath of her sudden death, our house was filled
with family and friends who were showing their support for us and helping
us do what had to be done: planning the memorial, visiting the cemetery to
secure a plot, working with our insurance company requirements, etc. They
prepared meals, made sure we were left alone when we needed our
space, gave us hugs, and shed tears with us. The phone rang often, and I
found myself doing most of the talking when the other end of the phone
was uncomfortably silent as people struggled to find the right words to say.
Even in my numbness, I was able to understand the dilemma of “I’m sorry”
doesn’t seem to be enough when someone has just lost a four-year-old
little girl.
A few days after the memorial service, everyone went home. Less
sympathy cards arrived in the mail until there were none. The phone
stopped ringing. Our daughter’s preschool arranged a weekly meal
donation and then my work did the same, which was a huge help…but
eventually those stopped coming too. We were left alone to figure out how
to pick up the pieces of our shattered hearts and shattered lives. We went
to counseling and support groups. But we were forced to accept the fact
that life was going to keep moving forward without our precious girl in it. It
was devastating.
That devastation led me to a self-imposed isolation from a world I could
no longer stand to be a part of. I didn’t want to talk to people who couldn’t
understand my pain because I didn’t want to have to explain myself. The
sound of laughter or gossip produced outright anger in me. The everyday
acts of going to work, chores, grocery shopping, or even something as
simple as showering were agonizingly painful and almost impossible. I
wanted nothing to do with any of it. I found myself not answering the phone
and not returning messages. I turned down invitations to get together with
friends who weren’t sure how to help me.
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Vol. 13, Issue 7
Page 4
Vol. 13, Issue 7
Page 5
Our Children
Remembered
Always
We miss you terribly …We celebrate the
birth of these, our children in July
*Ryan Thomas Bevard-July 1-son of Pat Valore
*Heather Carroll-July 3-daughter-in-law of Debra Jo Sahr
*Rossi Hilliard-July 4-son of Sudie Hilliard
*Aisha Waiters-July 6-daughter of Beverly Weems
*James Michael Greer-July 7-son of Diana Stookey
*Michael House-July 8-son of Marge House
*Curtis Vann Turner Sr.-July 11-son of Juanita P. Turner
*Caitlin Carlson-July 11-daughter of Dennis & Ellen Bielinski
*Michelle L. Grant-July 11-daughter of Diane Dye
*James Andrew Caswell-July 12-son of Catherine McCoy
*Peter Andrew "Buck" Lindemann-July 12-son of Steve Lindemann
*Aubrey D. Mitchell-July 13-son of Celeste Mitchell
*Thomas J. Malone II-July 13-son of Tom Malone
*Julius Pearl-July 13-brother of Ken Pearl
*Jason Kyle Wade-July 14-son of Brenda Primm
*David D. Duplain-July 16-son of Kitty & Bud Duplain
*Steven Mark Hogan, Jr.-July 16-son of Sandra Malaterre Pipkin
*Kalen B. Fain (KB)-July 17-son of Yvonne Fain
*Perry Laudenslager-July 19-son of Sherri Stephenson
*Scott Edward Romaine-July 19-son of Loretta Hermann
*Christopher Milam-July 21-son of Rick & Liz Milam
*Kaci Rabba-July 22-daughter of Kami Vaughan
*Jonathan Payton-July 22-son of Winifred Reid
*David Howard-July 23-son of Ann & Vern Howard
*Samantha Stockton-July 23-daughter of Sheila Stockton
*Matthew Thacker-July 24-son of Richard & Beverly Thacker
*Tyler Jeffery Ann-July 24-son of Jeff & Leslie Ann
*Jaeden Aleczander Lasley-July 24-daughter of Deborah Silks
*Scott C. Matacia-July 25-son of Barbara Matacia and Alfred Matacia
*John C. Cofield-July 25-son of Margaret J. Cofield
*Kyla Guanzon-July 26-daughter of Theidus and Chris Guanzon
*Malissa Eisenhauer-July 29-sister of Melony Cornelius
*Wayne Santos-July 29- son of Doris Bryant
*Abby Starr Messer-July 30-daughter of Jack & Dawn Messer
But especially in the month of July. We honor and
remember these, our children, on the anniversary of
their deaths.
*Brian Simpson-10 yrs. old-July 2-son of Linda & Jimmie Simpson
*Mariah Wilson-6 mos. old-July 2-daughter of Colleen Wilson
*Kelvin Buggs-20 yrs. old-July 3-son of Rome Buggs
*Nicole Swan-26 yrs. old-July 5-daughter of Tracey DiStefano
*Michael Maderazo-33 yrs. old-July 5-son of Gus & Jean Maderazo
*Brad Coles-24 yrs. old-July 6-son of George and Retta Coles
*Amber Queenan-23 yrs. old-July 6-daughter of Patricia Johnson
*Keagan Falls-3 ½ mos. old-July 9,-son of Travis Falls
*Ryan Verostek-27 yrs. old-July 9-son of Margie & Ron Verostek
*Lenny Carpenter-17 yrs. old-July 10-son of Sandra Carpenter
*James Andrew Caswell-21 yrs. old-July 11-son of Catherine McCoy
*Skylar Blueford-1 yr. old-July 12-daughter of Latoya Harling and Morris Blueford
*Karla Lynn Keating-41 yrs. old-July 12-daughter of Betty Keating White
*Crimson Dolzani-36 yrs. old-July 13-daughter of Bette Remesnik
*Brandon Murphy-36 yrs. old-July 13-son of Jane Murphy
*Christopher Milam-7 yrs. old-July 14-son of Rick & Liz Milam
*Leroy Andrews Jr.-39 yrs. old-July 14-son of Essie Andrews
*James Jacob Wade-1½ mos. old-July 15-son of Jim & Claudia Wade
*Jody Schenk-36 yrs. old-July 15-son of Henry & Betty Schenk
*Amy Denice-39 yrs. old-July 15-daughter of Darla and Steve Furman
*Beth Jackson-38 yrs. old-July 16-daughter of Nita Jackson
*Michael Jon Naprstek-19 yrs. old-July 18-son of Judy & Charlie Naprstek
*Dennis Arce-49 yrs. old-July 19-brother of Ed Arce
*Sean Driver-22 yrs. old-July 19-son of Patty Driver
*Janice Ann Kernan Burket-33 yrs. old-July 19-daughter of Joseph and Donna Kernan
*Cody Benbrook-17 ½ mos. old-July 21-son of Jerry Benbrook
*Holly Chiles-17 yrs. old-July 21-daughter of Linda Chiles
*David Browder-22 yrs. old-July 21-son of Joann Browder
*Billy Ligon-27 yrs. old-July 22-son of Christine & Bill Bendit
*Jessica Jones-15 mos. old-July 22-daughter of Beverly Jones
*Ronald Lawyer-28 yrs. old-July 23-son of Marjorie & Milton Lawyer
*Julius Pearl-38 yrs. old-July 23-brother of Ken Pearl
*Flo Ann Pope-42 yrs. old-July 23-daughter of Mary Ferebee
*Dana Maxiene Clarke-14 yrs. old-July 24-daughter of Maxiene Wilson
*Brian Parks-16 yrs. old-July 24-son of Bill & Dana Parks
*Christopher Stokely-28 yrs. old-July 24-son of Kim Stokely
*Andrew Cameron Minton-5 yrs. old-July 26-son of Shelly Wagner
*Travis Carroll-21 yrs. old-July 26-son of Debra Jo Sahr
*Heather Carroll-19 yrs. old-July 26-daughter-in-law of Debra Sahr
*David Pedersen-5½ yrs. old-July 27-son of Pam & Dean Pedersen
*Curtis Turner Sr.-37 yrs. old-July 28-son of Juanita Turner
*Peter Bankowski-30 yrs. old-July 29-son of Janet & Walter Bankowski
*Mikey Boykin-32 yrs. old-July 30-son of Sandra McKee
*Holly Engel-20 yrs. old-July 30,-daughter of Willa Engel
*Benjamin Lewis White, Jr-54 yrs. old-July 30-son of Benjamin White