• Curtain – on phone
• Hello… Sergeant Foley? … May I speak to
Inspector Levine, please
• Oh? Do you know where he is? At the
Corban home? I’m calling from the Corban
home. He’s not here.
• Well, maybe you can help me, Sergeant?
Have you any information about Elizabeth
Corban?
• Sergeant, I know she’s missing. I reported
her disappearance. I’m her husband.
• Look, didn’t the Inspector leave a number
where he can be reached? Oh? Good…
• Okay… what’s the number?... Thanks a lot,
that’s my number! Never mind! [hang up]
• And give my regards to your boss – Mack
Sennett. [make a drink, sound of a car]
• Inspector Levine…
• … they’re in such a hurry to start relaxing.
• You need this.
• … you two expecting someone?
• … You tell me.. Have you brought me
news?
• I brought you a sandwich.
• I don’t need a sandwich. I need a wife.
… Here, you must be hungry
• I am, Inspector, for news about my wife.
For three days you’ve been sitting on your
hands.
• .. If you wanted personal attention, lose
your wife in the city.
• I’ll remember that next time, Inspector.
But right now, would you mind telling me
what you’ve done?
• … Every trooper in the East is watching for a
yellow Marlin Rambler – Michigan PPL 1412
• And that’s all?
• Well, if she robs a bank, we’ll put her
picture in every post office.
• What a police force! You can’t find a
beautiful girl in a yellow marlin who
couldn’t get past Mr. Magoo!
• … if it’s insults I’m looking for, I could call
my wife.
• Inspector, I’m upset. Forgive me.
• … you hope he’ll ask you to sit down and
rest for awhile.
• Sorry, Inspector, please sit down.
• … The bloodhounds gotta be organized.
• She’s probably insured.
• … The more hanky-panky I catch, the less
insurance you pay.
• Too bad they don’t sell “missing wife”
insurance. Then maybe you’d look for
Elizabeth instead of that bracelet.
• Here, eat. This comes from Sidney’s
Sandwich Shoppe – the best.
• Inspector, in case I haven’t mentioned it
lately…
• Your wife?
• yes
• Sidney, you’re a genius. This sandwich
belongs in Tiffany’s window.
• Inspector…
• So she’s gone Corban. So what? My
wife’s gone too.
• What?
• … where would your wife go for labour day
weekend?
• inspector
• … back to hot steaming rockaway for a
labour day weekend
• At least you know where she is. My wife
has disappeared.
• … in 96% of these cases, they come back.
• Just what I need – another keystone cop!
• … my men don’t go looking for unfaithful
wives… not while they’re on duty.
• My wife is not unfaithful
• Oh?
• We had a quarrel. It was late at night.
We’d both had a few drinks. I don’t think
either of us knew what we were saying.
• What were you saying?
• I wasn’t saying anything. Scouts honor! I
was just lying on the couch listening to
Stravinsky…
• I happen to like stravinsky. In fact, I was
playing the recording for the third time…
• Suddenly, Liz leaped from the chair, called
me a musical snob, ran over to the stereo
and broke my stravinsky records.
• So what did you do?
• Well, you know how these things go.
• Corban, did you hit her?
• No, I swear to you.
• What did you do?
• Well, I broke her sinatra record. Then liz
got terribly angry, stormed out of here, and
drove down the hill in my rambler.
• You shouldn’t have given her the keys
• She has her own keys
• … now you’re protected, in case she runs
wild.
• I’m more worried about her driving wild.
To Liz, 70 miles an hour is crawling…
• To my wild, willful, wonderful wife –
wherever she may be…
• And to yours in rockaway, wherever that
may be.
• Do you two fight a lot?
• We’ve been married only two weeks. How
many fights could we have?
• … but it’s lasted ten years. Did you try
calling Detroit?
• I phoned a dozen times. I even sent a
special delivery letter to her apartment…
• I should say our apartment – that’s where
we’re planning to live.
• And?
• The letter came right back. She had her
mail forwarded here.
• Relatives? Friends?
• We don’t have many friends in common.
She has some distant relatives on the
west coast, but I don’t know them yet…
• We only met a month ago – at the race
track in harbor springs.
• The track?
• It was one of my lucky days.
• You won?
• Lost a bundle! But met her. I was
standing at the rail and…
• As the horses crossed the finish line, this
girl next to me got so excited…
• She threw her arms around me. I lost the
race, but won Elizabeth.
• And now you lost her again. Well… easy
come, easy go.
• That’s not funny!
• Don’t let it throw you corban. Don’t give
her the satisfaction.
• You’re right. I’ll just continue the
honeymoon as if nothing happened.
• In any case, you’ll hear from me in a flash
if she’s reported injured or deceased.
• You don’t mean that, do you?
• These things happen
• dammit, elizabeth, where are you?
• … will you be all right here? All by
yourself?
• I’ll be alright levine, I have a little 20-yearold friend taking care of me
• What!... Come on, ride over to the hotel
with me. You could use the fresh air
• I want to stay by this phone. Inspector,
you will step up your search?
• Yeah yeah. Meanwhile, if you get the urge
to call me again….
• Yes?
• [Priest enters] Hello God be with you
• You scared the hell out of me! Sorry. Who
are you?
• A humble servant of our lord, mr. corban.
You are Daniel Corban, aren’t you?
• Yes…
• I’m … You knew my predecessor, Father
Rinaldi?
• I’m new around here. Frankly, it never
occurred to me there was a grossinger
diocese.
• This is sullivan county, you know.
• True. A harmless nip, Father?
• Thank you… I have a medallion for your
wife.
• My wife gave you a donation?
• Indeed… Here’s your medallion.
• And here’s your drink. I’ll be happy to give
this to my wife father…
• If she returns. You see, the “good woman”
has left my bed and board.
• Oh. How unfortunate.
• Well, anyway… to the charitable mrs.
Corban.
• God love her.
• And may god keep her. I sure haven’t
been able to.
• You seem distressed my son. Perhaps if
you unburden yourself.
• Please, father, no sermons.
• sermons? Mr. Corban… do you still love
your wife?
• Father, just a month ago, the only
important things to me were…
• My score on the golf course, my tailor,
cocktail parties…
• Liz changed all that. She was warm and
loving.
• Saintly qualities.
• Who’d think that in the mad, mad world of harbor
springs, I’d find a girl so inward, so introspective.
• Inward beauty is the light of god.
• St tomas a-kwine-us?
• You may be right. Do go on.
• Two weeks later we were back in detroit.
Father, we were in such a rush…
• We got married first thing in the morning,
right in the office
• My boss and his secretary were
witnesses…
• Liz and I were so anxious to be alone
together, liz must have averaged 90 miles
and hour driving here.
• Uh-huh. Go on.
• Well… here we were, father.. Nothing but
mountain peaks for miles around. It was
perfection
• Why did she leave?
• When I said that elizabeth was inward,
father, I meant she was restrained in
public…
• But here, one minute gentle as a sylvan
brook, the next, a thundering tidal wave.
• You put it so picturesquely
• I’m in advertising father. Anyway, three
nights ago, we had a little squabble..
• This time, I couldn’t stop the tidal wave.
She stormed out of here, drove off, and I
haven’t heard from her since.
• Mr. Corban… with nothing but words of
love?
• Of course.
• [elizabeth enters, then father:] I’m so
happy for you both.
• Father…
• No need to say anything. It was only my
duty.
• Father, that woman is not my wife.
• What?
• She’s not elizabeth. I have never seen her
before in my life.
• Really, corban, you said no reproaches.
Well, my task is accomplished.
• Father, I don’t know that woman!
• She certainly talks and acts like your wife.
• A man should know the woman he
married, especially on his honeymoon.
• But you’ve been under… perhaps the
sudden shock of seeing her again.
• I’ll say it’s a shock! Father, that isn’t the
woman who gave you a donation last
week, is it?
• Why, yes.
• Are you sure?
• Catholic face in the catskills, you don’t
forget it easily
• Then this medallion should go to her, not
my wife.
• Mr. corban, is this some kind of joke?
• It sure is father, and I intend to make the
most of it…
• Miss! Come out of my bedroom! Stick around
father, we’re going to have some fun.
• [elizabeth and father, then elizabeth:]
feels so good to be back, I love this place,
and you too, darling.
• Come here, baby… you have no right to
kiss me that way.
• [surprised elizabeth, then incredulous
father:] she’s a wonderful woman.
• She’s an imposter!
• Danny!
• Father, you brought her here. Now you
take her back where you found her.
• Danny, what are you saying?
• The act is over, baby.
• [elizabeth trying to reason with danny,
then] oh-oh danny, you know dr. ackerman
said this was bad for your nerves.
• Who the hell is he?
• Elizabeth says “attack” the father: oh… I
understand.
• I don’t have nerves… I don’t have attacks!
What the hell is she trying to do?
• Danny please… I don’t understand. I
could usually calm him down.
• She’s lying. She never calmed me down.
I mean…
• What am I arguing about? I can put a
zipper on this whole thing in minutes. I’m
call the police.
• Danny, don’t!
• Getting scared?
• Danny, please.. I’m asking you not to
• I hardly expected you to second the
motion…
• Well? I’m going to make the call. What
are you going to do?
• Nothing
• Nothing?
• If you want to make us both look foolish,
go ahead.
• I warn you… the local inspector knows all
about my wife’s disappearance…
• You’d better have some good answers
ready. You won’t fool Levine for a minute.
• I hope we’re doing the right thing.
• Hello, inspector levine, please.
• Perhaps I’d… he’s not overjoyed at all.
• Hello, levine? This is corban…
• Levine, for once in your life, don’t talk, listen. A
woman, a woman is trying to forcer her way into
my home…
• What? Yes, yes she’s good looking. What
does that have to do with it? …
• I wish I could send her to your house .
Levine I’m serious. Please come over
right away…
• You’ll stay, won’t you?
• Poor danny.
• Poor you. Levine is going to be here in a
second!
• I’m worried father.
• It’s about time! And time is running out.
You’d better hurry.
• I only hope he doesn’t take my husband
away.
• Take me away!
• To a rest home.
• Oooh! That’s it. Now the wrapping comes
off the package. You found out elizabeth..
• Is missing. You come here posing as her,
and now you want to convince…
• Everyone I’ve flipped. Put me away, and
start spending my money.
• What money?
• You actually think you can get away with
it?
• Darling, are we that rich? ….Darling, I
love you in spite of your money.
• You keep away from me, lady. What do
you know about my wife? Where is she?
• Father: that must be the inspector.
• Levine! Thank god. Well, congratulations
lady, you’ve just won yourself a free
weekend in the catskills….
• Courtesy of sullivan county. Inspector!
Inspector! [comes back with levine]…
• Levine, I’ve never seen anything as
brazen in my life. It’s incredible. Look!
• I’m elizabeth corban inspector. My
absence has upset my husband terribly.
• She’s lying inspector. She’s lying.
• You mean you’re not upset?
• Arrest her levine!
• For what
• For – for - impostery
• Im what?
• She’s posing as my wife. Arrest her!
• [levine – you’re fizzing, then elizabeth:]
listen to your friend darling.
• Don’t call me darling. You’re a perfect
stranger.
• [levine and father, father:] the poor man no
longer recognizes his wife.
• Do you want to see my wife levine? Do
you really want to see my wife? I’ll show
you.
• Has he got a wife in every room?
• My pictures, my pictures, where the hell
are those pictures…
• Levine, I found those snapshots I told you
about, and now they’re gone…
• You were in that room a while ago.
• I just hung up some things darling.
• You took my photographs. The pictures of
elizabeth and me at harbor springs…
• She’s not only an imposter, she’s a thief.
She stole my snapshots
• Danny, you’re impossible.
• Do you deny it?
• [levine] your wife goes awol and when she
come’s back, she’s not your wife. What’s
that supposed to mean?
• That woman is not elizabeth!
• Don’t shoult, I got 20-20 hearing.
• Inspector, that, is, not, my, wife.
• Tough luck. Who is she?
• I don’t know, but I know who she isn’t.
• [levine asks liz and father to step out.
Father:]come, mrs. corban
• I was sitting here calmly
• You calmly?... Identification please
• What?
• [all the cards in the wallet] do not stop at
go, do not collect 200
• What?
• What do you do for a living besides collect
credit cards?
• I’m an account executive for parker, parker
and lowe. Advertising.
• Advertising what?
• Marlins. I handle newspaper and
magazine copy.
• Is this a publicity gimmick?
• No inspector. “lose your wife in a marlin”
does not enhance the company image.
• I dunno… do they give you free samples?
• As a matter of fact, a few of us upperechelon men are privileged to drive our
client’s product… is that an important
question?
• Just curious… tall, slender beanpoles? I
like ‘em short.
• You may have something there, levine.
Compact girls for a compact car. I’ll take it
up with mr. parker.
• Your boss?
• yes. Everett parker jr. He lent us this nest
for our honeymoon.
• Oh.
• Okay, inspector, I confess. I borrowed this
chalet. Does that reduce my status in your
eyes?
• I should have such friends… to have a
place in the catskills.
• What’s your message?
• I mean, commuting distance, it’s not.
• Well, to put it in your own inimitable style,
“on the head, you have hit the nail.”
• What?
• Remember those models you were
drooling over?
• The gorgeous beanpoles?
• This is mr. parker’s “model house.”
• So what does parker do about his wife?
• Oh, he brings her up here now and then. He
has to. She paid for it. Look, who’s getting
investigated here?
• Nobody… corban, you were on your
honeymoon…
• We arrived two weeks ago, and it was
paradise.
• Naturally, with a wife like that.
• How many times must I – I must find a
way to get through to you…
• In advertising, we find visual aids are very
effective. You can read, can’t you
inspector?
• But why… I’m looking for a motive.
• How do I know? She’s some kind of
screwball.
• Well, the usual reason is money. Are you
rich?
• No, but I do all right.
• Maybe you stand to inherit a bundle?
• I’m an orphan, since I was five. No
relatives.
• Insurance?
• Quite a bit. More than I can afford.
• The beneficiary?
• Liz, of course. The night we arrived here, I
wrote to the company instructing them to
make liz the beneficiary.
• Aha!
• What’s that supposed to mean?
• Levin’s law!... Cherchez le hanky panky.
• You mean… if this woman becomes mrs.
Corban.. I might become the late mr.
corban?
• Accidentally.
• that’s fantastic! How could she hope to
get away with it?
• She couldn’t your real wife wouldn’t stand
for it.
• That’s right. Find my real wife, levine.
She’ll expose this fraud…
• Intensify the search. Use the wire
services, the state troopers, the fbi.
• [levine and father:] worried about her
husband’s excitable nature
• Hah!
• [father and levine:] father, in your opinion,
is that woman elizabeth corban?
• He never saw elizabeth!
• Who has seen your wife since you’ve been
in carlton?
• Who?
• Who.
• We arrived late at night. Only one store
was open, a delicatessen.
• Sidney’s. What did you buy?
• Two weeks of groceries and a bottle of
aspirin.
• Your wife went in with you.
• She was tired. She stayed in the car.
• Did you take her dancing at the carlton
lake?
• no
• Didja play golf?
• no
• Go swimming?
• No.
• Hey, didja go to the trotters, in monticello?
• no
• A real indoor type honeymoon. Tell me,
does the mailman come up here to
deliver?
• There’s a box at the bottom of the road.
• So we’re back to nowhere.
• Levine, there are hundreds of people who saw
us in harbor springs, on the way here, the
restaurants.
• Great, I’ll…because a man had a fight with
his wife.
• I love my wife, and I’ll pay anything, to get
those witnesses.
• [elizabeth comes in, levine is interrogating.
Elizabeth:] thought for one minute that
danny would react this way.
• Hah!
• [elizabeth and levine:] care blanche, club,
club, club
• What!
• [douglas?] elizabeth: my maiden name.
• It’s a forgery! How did you get that?
• [corrective lenses] levine: I’ll say!
• Let me ask the questions. I’ll show up this
fraud.
• Go ahead. I’d love to see an armchair
detective in action.
• All right, mata hari, we’ll see how well
you’ve learned your part…
• Which train did we take to detroit?
• Danny, we took a plane. Don’t you
remember?
• Which plane?
• American airlines, flight 401.
• What’s my unlisted phone number?
• Woodward 6-4321. Levine: go ahead, still
your serve.
• What was your mother’s maiden name?
• Is that right?
• I don’t know. I never asked her.
• Brilliant… you don’t know the answers.
• The night before we were married, we
spent the night in a hotel in detroit. Which
one?
• Danny, please!
• You said you’d never forget that night.
Well? Getting an attack of amnesia,
darling?
• No, modesty. All right, hotel commander,
rm. 355
• Wrong! Levine, I’ve got her!
• So she’s a couple of numbers off.
• We didn’t stay at the commander at all!
There’s my proof!
• [levine checks] we’ll sit and wait
• No more questions. I’ve cracked her now.
• We’ll wait… tattoo? Something only a wife
could know.
• You’re right, you’re right. As a matter of
fact, I have a scar. All right, lady, where is
it.
• Darling, please
• I had a car accident some years ago, and I
still beat a noticeable scar. At least one
that my wife should have noticed.
• [pictures trickery, elizabeth] telling the inspector
my husband has a scar on his left shoulder…
• He told you, didn’t he. Levine, you heard
him! You saw him. He said “the upper
shelf..”
• The upper shelf! And then he raised the
pitcher with his left hand. He’s working
with her. They’re a team!
• What?
• He’s a crook, too!
• Corban, this is a man of god.
• I don’t believe it. Don’t you see, levine? When
she gave him that donation, it wasn’t a donation.
• It was the snapshots she stole from my
bedroom. The pictures taken in harbor
springs…
• At the pool. That’s how she knew where
my scar was!
• [father and levine:] you don’t mind, do you
father?
• Open it! Open it, levine! You’ll find my
pictures in there!
• Corban,… sorry father.
• I don’t care! He’s a fraud! Don’t let that
costume fool you. Have you ever seen him
before?
• [levine then father] oh dear, I must have
forgotten my wallet.
• What did I tell you? Father phony!
• [levine and father:] anything to give this
poor man peace of mind.
• Make that call, levine. You’d better start
buying some neckties.
• [levine calls, then father:] in fact he got me
this parish.
• sure, sure.
• … he’s fine. Nothing’s wrong. Thank you
father.
• They’ve got a whole organization against
me!
• [father, levine:]also, commander hotel
checks out. You must forgot.
• It’s a lie. I didn’t forget. I was never there.
• Look, we just checked with the desk clerk.
• Then they bought him off. The got to him! They
must have an army of agents, all over the
country.
• Absolutely right, emperor…. All your
troops are in waterloo.
• Levine, let me ask some more questions.
• [levine, father, elizabeth:] I’ll fix a nice
candlelight dinner for just the two of us,
the way you like
• Won’t somebody take her away?
• [father, levine, elizabether, levine:]dr.
ackerman, who’s he?
• One of the gang!
• He’s my husband’s doctor.
• Hah! Probably some underworld quack.
• [levine then elizabeth:] I wanted danny to, I
guess it’s all right.
• It’s poison, levine. Take it to the lab. It’s
poison!
• [elizabeth then levine:] he’s gonna fizz
himself to death
• They want to drive me crazy. Shut me up
in a little room in a mental hospital.
• [elizabeth then levine:]had a breakdown?
• I did not have a breakdown! I was
exhausted, physically…
• And I spent a few days in a rest home.
But my nerves are perfect. I’m perfectly
sane!
• [elizabeth then levine] …now I gotta
shove. Uh… Mrs. Corban?
• Levine!
• [yellow marline? Yes. Levine:] Swell.
[phone rings]
• It’s for me! It’s for me!... It’s for you.
• [levine takes call] couple of smudges in
the signature at commander in detroit…
could be erasures.
• Smudges, levine, erasures! That proves
I’m in a trap. Don’t leave, levine! You’ll
never see me again!
• It’ll be checked out by tomorrow.
• Tomorrow will be too late, something will
happen, something terrible, an accident.
God knows what.
• Please, corban
• Don’t leave me alone.
• [elizabeth and levine] if there’s any trouble,
call me, either of you.
• Wait, levine! Listen to me, we’ll find proof!
You can’t let her get away with this!
Levine!
• [elizabeth] where are you going?
• Uh, to get some ice. As my ever-loving
wife, you should know I take it on the
rocks.
• [elizabeth then father] there must be
something I can do to help.
• As a matter of fact, there is. Have a drink?
• Thank you.
• Has the inspector left?
• [father and elizabeth] here’s the ice,
darling, where’s your glass?
• “Darling” I just made a contribution to
Father Kelleher, my drink.
• [father drops] you killed him!
• Inspector levine, don’t leave, help! Come
quickly!
• [I bring Levine in as Elizabeth says] Buzzy!
You’ll screw up everything! In there!
• He’s dead levine, dead! And that poison
was meant for me! Look!
• [dead body? Elizabeth] not recently,
inspector.
• She’s hidden it, we’ll search, we’ll find it.
Look under the couch....
• In the bedroom! Oh, god!
• [father reappears] at touch of arthritis,
comes and goes.
• Oh, my God! I’m finished! I’m finished!
• [levine leaves with father, then elizabeth]
alone at last. I thought our company
would never leave.
• When are you going?
• I’m not leaving… again.
• Oh, turn it off! Levine is gone, you can
drop the act now.
• Didn’t you like my performance? I thought
I carried it off very well.
• What do you know about my wife’s
disappearance?...
• You wouldn’t dare pull a stunt like this
unless you knew where she is…
• Where’s elizabeth?
• … I’m yours, till death do us part,
remember?
• Till death do us part. I guess I’m
supposed to panic now
• Not yet, Danny, that comes later.
• What they hell do you want?
• Money.
• Money? Me! That’s rich. You think this
place is mine? The only mountain I own is
a mountain of debts.
• We know that danny. You’re not worth
anything, alive.
• I’m not worth any more dead. I haven’t anything worth…
are you thinking of my insurance? You’d commit murder
for a 100 thousand dollars?
• … natural causes, accidents, suicides
• Uh huh, and what’s my category?
• … it would take all the fun out of it for you.
• The suspense is killing me. I won’t be
able to sleep.
• I’ll get you a tranquilizer.
• Oh, yes. You and your bushy-eyed buddy tried
to make levine think I’m crazy. Is that part of
your cockeyed plan?
• … all that shouting, denying I’m your wife.
• I can prove that you’re not! And when
elizabeth shows up • … forgetting about the commander hotel.
• I NEVER.. Stayed at the commander.
• … seeing imaginary corpses…
• Set ups. I admit they were clever, but they
don’t prove anything.
• … inspector levine seems to think…
• I don’t care what levine things! Any
psychiatrist would give me a clean slate in
five minutes.
• … “mental hospital” sounds so…
depressing.
• It was a rest home!
• Have it your way, danny.
• How does all this tie up with collecting my
insurance?
• You’ll find out danny, soon enough.
• It’s funny! It’s really funny. You’re going
through all this, for what? …
• You think the insurance company is going
to hand you the cash? They pay be
check…
• A check for a hundred thousand, made out
to elizabeth corban…
• How do you think you’re going to cash
that?
• [bank is covered] the president himself will
take care of poor, bereaved mrs. Corban.
• Why are you telling me all this? You know
damned well I’m going to levine about it.
• What are you going to tell him, danny?
• That you came here posing as my wife,
that you opened an account in new york
so you could cash the check…
• After you kill me, but you plan to make it
look like I was crazy.
• … and levine himself will make a
reservation at the rest home.
• Where are the keys to my car?
• Where are you going?
• I don’t know, to look for elizabeth,
anywhere! But I’m not staying here!
• [I run out, come back] I thought you were
gone!
• Nobody’s going anywhere. The party’s
over. I’ve got the proof I’ve been looking
for, the one part of your plan that doesn’t
fit.
• Yes?
• My key doesn’t fit your car!