Spiritual Pain Management
I am in spiritual pain! Please don’t take the things that I am writing here to mean
anything but a personal attempt on my part to teach transparency and seek spiritual
healing for myself and all who I cover with spiritual authority.
I suffer what Jesus suffered when he says, in Luke 4:22-24 “and all were speaking well of
Him, and wondering at the gracious words which were falling from His lips; and they were
saying, "Is this not Joseph's son?" 23) And He said to them, "No doubt you will quote this
proverb to Me, 'Physician, heal yourself! Whatever we heard was done at Capernaum, do here in
your hometown as well.'" 24) And He said, "Truly I say to you, no prophet is welcome in his
hometown.…”
Why don’t people understand we have a need to attend to one's own faults, in
preference to pointing out the faults of others? “Physician heal thyself” is a phrase that
alludes to the readiness and ability of physicians to heal sickness in others while
sometimes not being able or willing to heal themselves. Why can’t we as spiritual
leaders ever get to say we are in pain?
Pain caused by people leaving. Pain caused by people forgetting what you’ve done for
them or feeling like you have no appreciation for what they’ve done for you. Pain
caused by people who won’t or can’t remain faithful. Pain caused by people talking
about us or even worst not understanding what we are attempting to share of the things
of God we have been called to offer as pain management to those who suffer in our
congregations. Pain is an ever challenging part of our lives as spiritual leaders. How to
deal with the pain of others? When to share the pain we feel ourselves?
If we were to apply truth in advertising standards to religion, the requirement for some
of our churches would be to display a sign simply reading: “Warning: this church could
be harmful to your spiritual and psychological health. The Good News in this is what
the scriptures offer: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the
Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so
that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received
from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
I am reminded here, that we must remember, it's not for nothing that God allows you to
undergo painful situations. For, in the days ahead, by God's grace you'll be better able
to comfort others who follow in your footsteps if you don’t identify yourself with the
pain you feel. And in Christ's hands the pain and hurt will look less like scars and more
like character development.
The more a spiritual leader is able to heal themselves both mentally and physically, the
greater will be the good one will be able to do for others and for themselves and
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therefore the greater will be his or her joy in life. This is our duty I believe to be
transparent, so that by so doing, we are also able to gain great help in uplifting
ourselves individually, and by this, we are helping and healing others as we travel on
this journey through life and ministry.
Many pastors and leaders like me need spiritual pain management because they, too,
like those they are leading are experiencing inner emptiness in the midst of outward
busyness, feelings of being “stuck” in their spiritual life or a longing for more in the
midst of seeming success or sense of failure. Our question is where does a leader go to
articulate questions that seem so dangerous and doubts that seem so unsettling? Who
pastors the pastor as they pastor the pain of people and attempt to manage the pain of
their own? Who provides spiritual leadership for the leader? How does a spiritual
leader manage their pain?
The simple answer is always to seek God! Thank you for those who stop here in their
search for answers to this painful reality. Others will say pray. Again, thank you for
your contributions to this issue. Surely these both are a valued and essential part of
one’s spiritual pain management process.
The question for us is, how can we increase our sensitivities and our capacities to be
helpful to the particular needs of those who are suffering from spiritual pain both in the
pew and in the pulpit in addition to going to God in prayer and seeking His will for our
lives through the study of His Word?
Since everyone is looking to us for spiritual leadership, sadly we cannot share the depth
of our own doubts, questions and growing pain management needs without creating
uncertainty among those like you who we are leading. So we labor under the burden of
knowing that our perceived job is, in very real ways dependent on our perceived
spirituality and doctrinal clarity—however that is evaluated by those of you who offer
opinions, perceptions and assessments of our worthiness. We know that even if we
have questions, we need to continue to lead, minister, teach and preach with
confidence; we must be wise about what we reveal in the presence of those of you who
have the power to support or not support or significantly influence our vision,
wellbeing and work as spiritual leaders.
The conundrum, however, is without a safe place to attend to our own journey, we will
stunt our growth and our spiritual life will atrophy due to neglecting our own pain,
stress, discouragement and lack we feel as we humbly serve. My job is to help people
attend to their own inner world and to cultivate hope and expectation that God is
actively present in their lives; but what happens when I begin to lose that hope and
expectation in my own life due to the pain I suffer helping others with theirs?
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One thing I offer here to all those who are in pain, especially those in leadership
positions, is the need to create a sacred space or quiet center for the soul. The word
“sacred” simply meaning here to set apart or, set apart for a special purpose. As leaders
we are deeply in need of finding a place or space that is set apart for the care and
maintenance of our own souls, a place of privacy that removes you from the public
scrutiny of our work environments and the leadership persona that we must maintain.
We must create a space or place and take great care to cultivate a physical, spiritual and
emotional environment in such a way that the space itself ushers us as leaders into a
sense of being “apart” from the distractions, the responsibilities and the frenetic activity
that becomes the norm for so many spiritual leaders. Without fail, I must admit my
gratitude for the quiet, the privacy, and the sacred quality of the space I have in my
ministry called “The Quiet Center.” It was just initially a place to go into. Now it has
been revealed as a place to experience pain management practically and spiritual
nurture existentially.
This Quiet Center has become an essential part of my ministry and ability to continue to
lead, guide and cover at the episcopal level. Some have called this the Bishop’s
Chamber. What is important here is to have a sacred space that is set aside for me and
for the care of my soul rather than being in a religious environment that is associated
with ministry is a must in my opinion and that is why I have a Bishop’s study for my
mind but a Quiet Center for my soul!
Those who have been in leadership for any length of time at all have experienced much
scrutiny and evaluation of their spiritual life and their leadership. Many experience the
heartache of being severely misunderstood, judged and even betrayed to the point of
giving up on ever being safe. Trust is halted, isolation becomes the safety net as a
defense mechanism against the attacks on the soul.
This safe space in the church is often missing in our ministries. The loneliness that
comes from being “the buck stops here” person and the natural process of projection
that takes place between leaders and followers is par for the leadership course and yet it
takes its toll on us in pain, discomfort and trust. This leads to a loss of any sense of
being loved beyond what we can produce; many of us harbor deep feelings of
disillusionment about ourselves, the human condition, and the churches we serve. Thus
burn out, stress, pastoral suicide and of course quitting on the church and leaving the
ministry all together is well documented.
Many leaders have repressed their grief and anger and soldiered on, leaving much that
is unresolved beneath their professional exterior. Almost all leaders have something in
their lives—some pain, some character issue, some spiritual question, some failure—
that they have never talked to anyone about and they desperately need a safe place to
do so. They often serve carrying heavy burdens of unresolved pain beaten down by
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some of what they have experienced in ministry and/or in life. We experience
roadblocks that are deeply disillusioning to the extent that it even causes us to question
our faith.
We can live with a sense of non being and thus need a place, space and people who can
consistently offer us affirmation of our journey as a person with the call of God on our
lives and leadership which is a significant element of what brings me back to a place of
health and strength in my own spiritual life. As one poet wrote: How did the rose ever
open its heart and give to the world all its Beauty? It felt the encouragement of light against its
being. Otherwise we all remain too frightened.”
I have discovered that most of our religious traditions fail to offer their spiritual leaders,
or even their members for that matter, anywhere for their souls to feel safe within the
ministry structure and their pain to be managed by those who can create a sacred
atmosphere or quiet center of trust and support for the soul. Truth, transparency,
confession and repentance are good for the soul—especially in the presence of someone
who knows how to mediate God’s grace in the moment and is available to the Spirit for
what that moment requires. All prayers are not produced by true prayer warriors, or
those with the gift of true intercession but are just masquerades in mediocrity
mindlessly offering nothing from the Spirit and no pain management for the soul.
One of the natural pitfalls of spiritual leaders in particular and spiritual leadership in
general is that the boundary between one’s personal spiritual life and the demands of
one’s profession can become very blurred. It takes humility and courage for a spiritual
leader to admit that while they are guiding others in spiritual matters, they are coming
up empty themselves.
Personally, pain is a known and unfortunate part of my family and personal life. My
wife lives with the constant and debilitating pain of spinal stenosis. While suffering this
malady, she had a diagnosis of an early form of breast cancer from which she is now in
a healthy state of progress. I too suffer arthritic pain and now high blood pressure after
17 years of pastoral ministry. The pain of a longtime strained relationship with my
brother, and the lost connection with a sister I’ve only seen once in life, a strained
relationship with each of my children adds to my pain and personal disappointment.
Then my first cousin, whose commitment to ushering I so admire, recently painfully
lost her foot and part of her leg. Not being able to see her in that pain it has been
difficult to see her that way. Oh yeah, I have been unable to visit my own mother’s
grave because of the pain of her loss since her death some seven years ago. I do not
know where they buried my father who died alone and is buried in an unmarked grave
somewhere in New York. All this marks why I often question my own ability to serve
others when I look at my inability to manage the painful circumstances of my own
shortcomings, and stress filled life issues.
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A faithful member and ministry leader who courageously and faithfully attends
everything she can while being bound to a wheelchair with no use of her legs as she
painfully struggles forward every week to come and serve humbly before those that
take her efforts for granted and sadly do not repent for not sharing her forthright
commitment to the vision and work is one of my hero’s in life. This is painful to see,
experience and share even though we realize it is all about life and this calling we have
been called to. The experience of pain is a complex phenomenon and we often overlook
it in our churches and leadership.
I have always been aware of things in my life that needed fixing and longings that have
painfully continued to be unmet. There is always a level of selfishness exposed in the
crucible of the marriages and family lives of our congregants that I honestly have not
known how to shift or change over the years of pastoral ministry. There are the
emotions from past pains and current disappointments I have not known how to
resolve. There is this performance-oriented driven-ness that can’t seem to be quieted
and a longing for more, but my question continues to be more of what?
I have tried everything that I can—more Bible study, praying harder, trying harder,
attempting to offer better sermons, reading more books and making sacrifices in
whatever ways I can—all in an effort to fix what is broken and to fill what is lacking,
but all to no avail. In the midst of this Christian life and ministry, I am left too often
with an inner chaos far more disconcerting than anything going on externally. Stress
and the pain of disappointment has driven my soul underground and in need of a pain
management process to even cope from week to week, moment to moment. Yet, I press
toward the mark of a higher calling in Christ.
Never does it seem that it is a good time to admit to any kind of spiritual emptiness or
acknowledge any kind of serious questions about my faith. As a spiritual leader, it
seems never to be a time for anything other than answering my pain with “I’m good,”
or “everything will be okay.” To be available when people call, for maintaining
outward evidence of spiritual maturity commensurate with the responsibilities I am
called to and the opportunities that constantly are coming my way. All the time we who
are spiritual leaders seem to have time to do is be seen as climbing the ladder to
spiritual success and stability, yet for me my interior groanings and spiritual pain is real
and in need of being attended to. I hurt! I am disappointed in the spiritual lack I witness
far too much in those I love and serve! I need spiritual healing and not just fake
platitudes from people who I need to be real with about their unfaithfulness towards
the things of God.
Our spirituality is a resource for strength, guidance, courage and support in life's
journey. Just as we live with varied cycles and levels of growth, achievement and
development in our bodies, minds and emotions, so it is in spiritual development.
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While some of us may have a well-nurtured and developed spirituality, others may be
underdeveloped, impoverished or even bankrupt in their spiritual selves.
As a pastor and spiritual leader it pains me to see us as Christians not take advantage of
the spiritual privilege of grace, faith, and love made available by God. This leads many
among us in our congregation to disconnection from others and an unwillingness to
engage in the things of God and the advantages of support through ministries offered
by the church. A preoccupation with self and feelings of being an outcast and alone,
abandonment, distress, despair and ultimately withdrawal; leading to feeling trapped
by anger, shame and guilt are seldom preached, taught or prayed for.
As I began, I repeat . . . I am in spiritual pain! I am not like those pastors who seek
answers by rudely throwing out Christian clichés and Scripture texts to mask my
inability to cope with the stress and disappointment I can feel sometimes at not
reaching the promises of God for my life and the people I am called to serve. But
truthfully, I suffer like so many others from spiritual abuse by those who I love - this
being the people of God. The hurt and harm of their spiritual abuse is rarely inflicted
upon people like me with the intention to wound anyone. However the truth be known
most spiritual abuse is inflicted by Christians who are very sincere, who believe they
are obeying the Bible, living a Christian life, following your vision as a pastor, sharing
Christ with others, and who often believe they are led by the Holy Spirit.
I recognize here that even godly leaders can have faulty ministry philosophies and
hidden pain. Perhaps you’re wondering, “How can I help to heal this painful
situation?” Awareness of the problem is the first step toward a solution. You should
know that the problem is not a small one. Statistics indicate shepherds are struck down
in ever increasing numbers because of unaddressed pain and the lack of a pain
management structure. And it isn’t only ministers and spouses who suffer. Whatever
injures them also affects the Lord’s sheep as well.
Our world can’t afford to lose true messengers of God. Someone must seek them out,
honor them with actions and words, and help them to manage their pain. Their gifts are
needed more than ever. We can’t afford to waste spiritual resources. Hurting spiritual
leaders like myself need respect and affirmation as well as acknowledgement of their
pain. They need someone who’ll love them back to spiritual health. My question is will
it be you?
J. Faraja Kafela
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