No Impact Man
Essays 2012
Suggestions for
Improvement
I graded your essay
NOT
you!
“When we heal the earth, we
heal ourselves”
 Many
proved this point by proving the
opposite: When we hurt the earth, we
hurt ourselves.
Plot Summary vs.
Supportive Example

Beavan knew going into this project how hard it
would be, but not until he actually discovered it
did he realize how truly difficult it would be. Day
one of his project and he has already realized
going green “does not mean running into a phone
booth and coming out transformed into some sort
of eco-hero—It doesn’t in fact, feel heroic at all”
(19). Saving the world without life’s luxuries does
not increase the quality of life. Beavan knew he
was “bound to fail at the time” (20). But, living in
New York City was an added challenge, for
elevators and fuel burning transportation is almost
a necessity. (entire first body paragraph)
Plot Summary or supportive
example?

Beavan’s process to create peace in the world
exemplifies his search for peace in his own mind.
Beavan shows that a peaceful mind makes a
peaceful man” (216) who ultimately makes a
peaceful world. He reiterates that “we individuals
are the system” (221) in order for the system and
our habits to change, we have to take the first
steps. . . . He starts out worried that it is seventy
degrees in January and that no one is doing
anything to stop global warming. However, by the
culmination of his project, he discovers more
about himself an learns a lot more about human
nature. (part of first body paragraph—with middle
omitted)
How can a writer revise a
paragraph with too much plot
summary?
Using images to solidify a point
 Replace
this sentence with a sentence
with an image:
 “The average human creates much more
waste than they should be creating.”
Topic Sentences




Features: first sentence of each paragraph, claim, &
key words from prompt/thesis
“To begin with, finding and implementing
conciliatory solutions to the global environment can
make our psychological well being far better.”
“The Earth should be appreciated.”
“As Beavan researched for his No Impact Man
project, he discovered an organization called the
New Economics Foundation, that created an
equation called the “HPI” which divides the average
amount of happy years a citizen of a country has by
their impact on the environment (92).
Discuss
 Warrants
& Links
 Society’s vs. societies’


Visitors to Japan and China will quickly
notice that the ______________ norms are
quite different.
If _______________ ways do not change, the
earth is in deep trouble.
In your essay, please consider:
 Your
lead
 Your thesis
 Your topic sentences
 The specificity & development of your
evidence
 Your paragraph clinchers
 Your best vocabulary
Note of self-reflection
 What
is the main improvement you hope
to make in your next essay?
“Nobody
called the
cops”
Tips for 4ab
When was the EPA created?
 Dec.
2, 1970
 Interestingly, it was signed into law by
Nixon, within six months of the burning,
Cuyahoga River :/
How much. . . ?
 Prewriting
 Writing
Strengths:

“This example only focuses on agriculture.”


“just one example (of many)
“People have continued to make a
difference too: Al Core with his facts of
global warming (An Inconvenient Truth),
Annie Leonard with her research against over
consumption (The Story of Stuff), and Colin
Beavan with his project “to live without
making any impact on the environment” (1).
Thesis:
 “Indeed
in the modernity of the 21st
century, these words have never been
truer, due to our innate hedonism, human
nature and the consumerism driven
system we live in”
Qualifying thesis 1:
 “Brooks’
statement still holds true today in
the sense that we still ‘murder land’ for
profit because we’re tearing down the
forests at an alarming rate, but part of
Brooks’ statement doesn’t ring true
because there is a group of people, such
as Colin Beavan, that are doing
something and raising awareness about
the destruction of the environment”
Qualifying Thesis 2:

“Paul Brooks’ view on the injustice of
America’s destruction of the land is
somewhat correct because of the ability of
some current industries such as the
automobile industry to cause harm to the
planet without any consequences; however,
since the time of Paul Brooks’ writing, America
has passed many environmental legislations
that attempt to restrict and provide
punishment to those who ‘murder the land’
(Brooks).
To improve:
 No
“Mr.” before the author’s name.
 Not Brook’s  Brooks’ statement…
 Avoid “what phrases” which define rather
than illustrate
 Be concise
“Reshape
ourselves to fit”
Tips for 5ab
Great examples:
 Lorax
 Story
of Stuff
 Thoreau/Walden
 Silent Spring 