Ten tips for your family
Pall Olafsson
Social Worker
This lecture is based on Diane Gossen work.
www.realrestitution.com
Who am I?
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I'm second oldest of nine siblings
Worked as a Carpenter for 9 years
Master of social work in Lund Sweden
Social worker in child care for 9 years
Educated in Restitution in USA - my lifestyle
• President of the Icelandic association of social workers
• Father of five children 24, 18, 12, 10 and 2 years
• Part of a popular icelandic family system
Something got to change?
• Children are sexually abused
– 17 % of children in Iceland
» Offender are often young boys or a family member
• Children use drugs
– The Breeser generation, “light” drug users
» Use drug to have “fun” faster, easier
• Children “live” in another (virtual) reality
– Internet -rules -live –friends -info
» 60 % of children have seen porno on Internet
• Children are not feeling good about them self
– More use of medical products with children
» antidepressants, painkillers, psychoactive drugs
PARENTS!
• Parents: responsibility to 18 year's old!
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Preschool – kindergarten
Primary school 1- 10 class
High school 1. and 2. class
Leisure time - weekends, summer - Christmas - vacation
.......... Parents in city!
• We are not born perfect parents
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Family, friends and acquaintances
School, after school centers
Organizations, associations, homepages, sites
Child care workers, family consults, social workers ………..
• We don’t know everything
– It is ok to ask – or is it not??
Fortune 500
Important Job Skills
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• 1970s
1. Writing
2. Math- skills
3. Reading
4. Talking
5. Listening
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• Today
1. Teamwork
2. Problem solving
3. Interpersonal skills
4. Talking
5. Listening
Restitution is
creating conditions
for the person to fix their mistakes
and return to the group
strengthened
1.
Family meetings!
• The family talks about family rules and beliefs about
what is important to each other
– Respecting ourselves – self-awareness
– Respecting others – being a part of a community
– Old people, sick people, handicapped people, immigrants, children,
adolescents .....
• The hole family talks together – including the teenager
• In our family we believe in:
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Helping each other
Telling the truth
Being safe
Enjoying quality time together
Respecting ourselves and others
See mistakes as a changes to learn
Bottom lines!
Basic rules!
• No violence
• No weapons, no hurting, no harming
• No harassment, no bullying
• No threatening, no provoking, no aggression
• No drugs
• Alcohol is not legal for children
• We don’t buy alcohol for children
• Laws about children's curfew
• Are there for a reason
2.
Reasonable consequences!
• Decide together with your children reasonable
consequences if rules are broken or mistakes
made, so there are no unfair surprises later.
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Restitution
Positive
You have to do something
Not enough to say “I'm sorry”
3.
Avoid using punishing and guilting.
People behave to avoid pain !
• Punisher
You shout and points
You say “do it or else”...
They rebel
They blame others
They say “ I don’t care”!
They do it again
• Guilter
You preach, guilt others
You say – “you should
have known better!”
They hide, lie, deny
They say “ I'm sorry”
Low self- esteem
People behave
to get reward from others
• Buddy
You excuse the child
You say “ do it for me”
People come independent
They say “I thought we
were friends!”
Weakness
• Monitor
You count and measure
You say “ what's the rule?”
They conform!
They say “how much, how
long?”
They focus on the
consequence
4.
People behave because they want to!
Self-control
• Help your child to take responsibility for their mistakes
• Help the child to see that its ok to make a mistake that’s how we
learn
• Stabilize the child – nobody is perfect, you are not the only one
• Find the need – it’s a reason behind every behavior, so you didn’t do
this for no reason, could you have done worse, if yes – could you
have done better!
• Find what the child believes are – can you do better, what kind of
person do you want to be, if you fix this mistake what does that say
about you as a person.
5.
It's not what you say
It's how you say it that's important!
55%
7%
38%
Words
Tone
Face and body
6.
Chill time - cooling time – to be able to use your brain!
Never try to have a discussion when people are feeling;
angry, mad, irritated or afraid
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Meet your five basic needs every day!
• Teach your children to meet their needs in a
helpful and positive way
• Love and belonging – with at least one person
who cares for us
• Power and achievement – something we do well
• Fun and enjoyment – pleasure, fun of learning
• Freedom and choices we want to make
• Survival – physical need of safety, food,
clothing, shelter
Diane’s Circle of needs
Belonging
Power
Survival
Fun
Freedom
8.
Open up the territory!
• Does it really matter?
– Ask yourself, “does it really matter”
before addressing an issue
• Yes,if…
– Say “Yes” as often as you can
– If you can't say “Yes” say “Yes if…”
– Can I go out?
– Yes if you finished homework
– If you must say “No”; stick to it
9.
The two-minute principle!
• Always be willing to take just 2 minutes to listen, to tend to, or help a
child when they ask! Often that’s all they need to feel valued by you.
• Use 2 minutes 10 days in a row to connect to the child!
– Talk about something that is not dangerous, harmful or bad
• Grownup guaranty – always an adult ready to listen to children
• Use 30 seconds interventions –
– if you are using more time you are using the punisher, guilter or the
buddy
– Remember to say “Thank you”
30 Second Interventions
• These interventions help people get back on
track in a non-confrontational way:
Is what you’re doing okay now?
When will you be
ready to start?
It looks like you have
a problem. How can I
help you solve it?
What’s the
Rule?
What are you supposed
to be doing?
What’s your
Job now?
What can I do
to help you so
you can _____?
Can I help you
get started?
10.
We are child's best teachers
• We teach children by– Who we are
– What we believe and value
– What we respect
– How we behave toward each other
» Remember to laugh – use your fun need – you
were once young too!
The end!
• Fact:
• In the morning - after 180 seconds
children have made their decision in
whether this day is going to bee good or
bad
• So you better smile ;o)