Grief Matters
How grief affects children and what we can do to
support them
What is Grief?
- Grief is the normal and natural response we experience
when we lose someone or something that has had
meaning in our lives.
- It is what we think and feel on the inside. It is numbness,
sadness, anger, guilt, relief, etc. all rolled up into one.
What is Mourning?
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Mourning is the outward expression of grief. It is letting it out
somehow. This may include: crying, talking, journaling, running,
artwork, music, etc.
Everyone grieves on the inside, but not everyone mourns.
Mourning is essential in order for healing to take place. Without
mourning, people can remain stuck and not live life fully. They
build walls around their hearts to prevent future pain. When this
happens, the loss often resurfaces later in life with more serious
problems.
Symptoms of Grief
Grief can affect someone on various levels:
● Physical
● Emotional
● Social
● Cognitive
● Behavioral
● Spiritual
Physical Symptoms
● Change in energy level (hyperactive or
hypoactive)
● Physical distress (migraines, chest pain,
tingling sensation in hands, lump in throat,
etc.)
● Change in appetite
● Change in sleeping pattern
Emotional Symptoms
Denial
Numbness
Sadness
Anger
Fear
Resentment
Anxiety
Abandonment
Guilt
Relief
Social Aspects
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Overly sensitive
Dependent
Withdrawn
Avoid others
Lack of initiative
Lack of interest
Feel alone/ different
Long to be treated as they were before
Cognitive Symptoms
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Forgetful
Inability to concentrate or focus
Inability to make decisions
Searching for the deceased
Slowed thinking
Dream of the deceased
Behavioral Symptoms
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Restlessness
Anger outbursts
Separation Anxiety
Regression in behaviors (bed wetting)
May turn to drugs and alcohol to numb pain
May turn to cutting to release internal pain
May engage in other risk taking behaviors
Spiritual Aspects
● Some may become more spiritual as they
lean on their faith to help them through this
difficult experience
● Some may begin to question their faith
● Some may lose their faith
Grief Spiral
Shock
Physiological Changes
Regression
Disorganization/Panic
Explosive Emotions
Acting Out
Hypermaturity
Fear
Guilt
Relief
Sadness
Reconciliation
Reconciliation Needs of the Mourner
Alan Wolfelt
1. Acknowledge the reality of the death.
2. Move toward the pain of the loss while being nurtured physically,
emotionally, and spiritually.
3. Convert the relationship with the person who died from one of
presence to one of memory.
4. Develop a new self-identity based on a life without the person who
died.
5. Relate the experience of death to a context of meaning.
6. Experience a continued support environment in future years.
Child Development and Grief
The developmental age of the child will largely
impact how he or she grieves.
Fred Rogers once quoted, “If you are old
enough to love, you are old enough to grieve”.
Birth to Pre-school
Concept of Death:
● Has no concept of death.
● Sense that something has changed if main
caregiver is no longer present.
● Able to sense a caregiver’s emotional
distress.
Birth to Pre-School
Grief Issues:
● May respond to death with irritability, change in sleep,
eating and play patterns
● May regress
● May search for caregiver
● May be attached to remaining caregiver and fear
separation
Birth to Pre-School
How to support this age group:
● Provide nurturing, love and physical closeness
● Language holds special meaning at this age.
Familiar voices, songs, phrases bring comfort
● Maintain a schedule/routine as much as possible
● Provide them the opportunity to play. It is through
play that young children work through life’s most
difficult situations.
The Importance of Play
“Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from
serious learning. But for children, play is serious
learning. At various times, play is a way to cope
with life and to prepare for adulthood. Playing is a
way to solve problems and to express feelings. In
fact, play is the real work of children”.
-Fred Rogers
Three to Six Years:
Concept of death:
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Death is often confused with sleeping
Death is often looked at as temporary and reversible
Death is thought of as a journey or trip
Due to magical thinking that takes place at this age, the
child may believe that if he or she wishes hard enough
then their request will come true.
● May be interested in the physical or biological aspect of
death
Three to Six Years:
Grief Issues:
● Young children grieve in spurts. One moment they may
appear fine, the next moment they are having a melt
down or sobbing in their closet.
● May ask questions repeatedly
● Changes in behaviors. Will act out inner feelings.
● Separation Anxiety. May be very attached to remaining
caregiver and fear separation
● May believe they somehow caused the death
Three to Six Years Old
How to support this age group:
● Answer questions openly and honestly
● Use appropriate vocabulary for age
● Maintain a schedule
● Provide play opportunities
● Model/encourage appropriate expression of feelings
and memory sharing
● Keep a journal of important events
● Ask child if they would like photos of loved one
● Keep in contact with school/pre-school
Seven to Twelve Years
Concept of Death:
● Death is sometimes thought of as ghosts
● Beginning to understand the finality of death
● May be interested in the physical and biological aspects
of death
● May feel that he or she caused the death
Seven to Twelve
Grief Issues:
● May appear fine (not wanting to look different from
peers)
● May respond to death with irritability, change in sleep,
appetite
● May be concerned with who will take care of them
● May be concerned about future of self and others
● May feel stigma at school or around peers
● May be very attached to remaining caregiver
● Physical reactions and acting out behaviors
Seven to Twelve Years
How to support this age group:
● Answer questions openly and honestly
● Maintain a schedule
● Model and encourage appropriate expression of
feelings and memory sharing
● Listen to the child: what they say, their behaviors, their
silence
● Give the child choices to help regain a sense of control
● Let the child guide you as to what they need
● Keep in contact with school
Teen Years
Concept of Death:
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Death is final, an end to physical life
Realization of own mortality
Evaluates meaning of life
May feel that he or she caused the death
Understands future - grieves present losses as well as
future losses
Teens Years
Grief Issues:
● May appear fine
● May feel stigma at school or around peers
● May be concerned about the future of self and others
● May attempt to take on role of deceased
● Struggles with needing support and not wanting it
● May be attached to remaining caregiver
● Most likely to express anger
Teens Years
How to support this age group:
● Answer questions openly and honestly
● Be available when teen wants to talk
● Do not force teens to talk - they will talk when they are
ready
● Let the teen guide you as to what they need
● Model/encourage appropriate expression of feelings
● Reduce expectations when grieving
● Be patient
● Keep in contact with school
The role of Companioning
Dr. Alan Wolfelt, who has worked with grieving families for
many years, takes the word ‘companion’ which is a noun
and turns it into a verb – ‘companioning’.
He believes walking alongside someone on their grief
journey is the greatest gift you can give.
The Tenets of Companioning the Bereaved
Alan Wolfelt
Tenet One: Companioning is about being present to another person’s pain, not
about taking the pain away.
Tenet Two: Companioning is about going to the wilderness of the soul with
another human being, not about thinking you are responsible for finding the
way out.
Tenet Three: Companioning is about honoring the spirit, not about focusing on
the intellect.
Tenet Four: Companioning is about listening with the heart, not about
analyzing with the head
Tenet Five: Companioning is about bearing witness to the struggles of others;
not about judging or directing these struggles.
Tenets of Companioning (Cont.)
Tenet Six: Companioning is about walking alongside, not about leading.
Tenet Seven:Companioning means discovering the gifts of sacred silence, not
filling up every moment with words.
Tenet Eight: Companioning is about being still, not about frantic movement
forward.
Tenet Nine: Companioning is about respecting disorder and confusion, not
about imposing order and logic.
Tenet Ten: Companioning is about learning from others, not about teaching
them.
Tenet Eleven: Companioning is about curiosity, not about expertise.
Factors to take into consideration
● Developmental Ages
● Previous Losses
● History of Mental Illness (depression, anxiety, PTSD,
etc.)
● What may be triggering present crisis (anniversary,
holiday, event)
● What type of support system do they have
Red Flags - when to contact a professional
The following symptoms/behaviors may occur. If the frequency and intensity of
the symptoms/behaviors do not lessen over time, please contact a
professional.
● Persisting difficulty talking about the deceased person
● Aggressive behaviors
● Anxiety
● Somatic complaints
● Sleeping difficulties
● Eating disturbances
● Marked Social Withdrawal
● Persistent Self-blame or guilt
● Self-destructive behaviors or desire to die
When to contact Tides
● When there has been a death and children/teens are
involved.
● When a family would benefit from resources (articles,
books, locating individual and family counseling
services).
● When an adult is looking for grief support (Grief
Connections)
Ways to help grieving children
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Listen. Children may want to share their story. This is a healing experience. Do not give advice or
make judgments. Reflect back to what the child says, using the child’s words. Children must feel
that their physical and emotional needs are going to be met before/he can give into grieving. (If I
talk, will someone listen? If I cry, will someone hold me?)
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Listen some more. Sometimes children don’t want to talk, can’t find the words, or try to protect
adults around them from more pain, so they choose to be silent. When you listen, pay attention to
the non-verbals.
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Be honest with the child. It is difficult to talk to kids about painful things because we want to
protect them. It is important to be honest which brings trust and opens communication.
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Answer their questions, even the hard ones. It is important for children to know that they can ask
questions. Answer questions truthfully, being sensitive to their age. It is acceptable to say, “I don’t
know”.
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Give the child choices. This helps them regain control they feel they may have lost.
Continued….
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Hug with permission.
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Practice patience.
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Respect grieving children even when they are in a bad mood.
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Be aware some kids will regress, others will become little adults.
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Eat right and drink water.
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Help the child at bedtime. Consistent bedtime rituals-story, song, prayer.
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Don’t force children to talk. They will talk when they are ready.
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Take a break. When possible, plan fun activities for your children that will allow them to laugh,
play, and be kids.
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Playing is grieving.
Continued…..
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Encourage consistency and routine.
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Talk about and remember the person who died. Bringing up the name of the person who died
gives children permission to share their feelings about the person. It shows then it is not “taboo” to
talk about the deceased. Sharing a memory shows the child that the person who died will continue
to live on within them and impact of those left behind.
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Expect and allow all kinds of emotions (both positive and negative)
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Respect differences in grieving styles.
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Provide hands on activities. (Drawing, journaling, painting, sculpting clay, collages, memory
boxes)
Exercise and physical play helps children release energy and emotion.
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Be a model for your children. Children watch adults to get cues about how to grieve. It is
important for children to know it is okay to cry, be angry, and to grieve.
Tides Mission
Tides’ mission is to provide safe and nurturing peer support
programming for children, teens and their families who
have experienced the death of a loved one.
Tides also raises the awareness of the needs of grieving
children and teens in our community.
Goals of Tides
The goal of Tides is to provide a safe place where grieving
families can:
● Learn they are not alone
● Share feelings in a supportive setting
● Realize what they are going through is normal
● Learn that hope and healing are possible
● Form quality relationships
● Have fun
Tides Night
● Tides generally meets the first and third Thursday of
each month, September-May.
● Meetings are held at Houserville Elementary School.
● There is no cost for families to attend the Tides
program.
● Registration is required.
● Intake process is conducted to ensure appropriateness
for group setting.
Timeline of Tides Night
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5:30pm-6:00pm
6:00pm-6:30pm
6:30pm-7:30pm
7:30pm-7:45pm
7:45pm-8:15pm
Pre-meeting with volunteers
Families arrive, dinner served
Small groups take place
Large closing circle
Post-meeting with volunteers
Tides information
Call Tides at 814-692-2233 for questions, resources or
further information.
Visit our website at www.tidesprogram.org
Friend us on Facebook at
www.facebook.com/Tidesprogram
and/or follow us on Twitter at
https://twitter.com/Tides_Program