SIDE ONE SMITH GRAHAM PERCIVAL
Scene 2: Trench and Home Front
(British soldiers are in their trench. PERCY wears a tattered wool muffler as
a brace around his bad knee. Intermittent gunshots sound from outside.
SMITH shoots back. There are screams and groans from outside the trench,
then a few beats of silence. GRAHAM places helmet on rifle, holds it above
trench. Shot rings out.)
GRAHAM
Sniper’s still out there.
SMITH
Bollocks! Blow me over with something I don’t know.
GRAHAM
He’s trapped us here for days. Starving us out, he is.
SMITH
Quit your beefing, Asher, and pump the slops out of this hellhole before we drown.
PERCIVAL
(Tosses candy bar to GRAHAM.) Take it, Graham. Bit of chocolate to hold you over
til the next airdrop.
GRAHAM
Sweets from your Eugenie?
PERCIVAL
Yes, indeed! From her last care package.
GRAHAM
Cor, Blimey, Percy! I couldn’t take your last mouthful.
1
PERCIVAL
Happy to whack it out, chum. Our job is to stay alive and keep one another alive.
Cagney, you’re next for foot inspection. Come on, stir your stumps. I know it’s
impossible in this swamp, but it’s imperative you keep your feet dry. Understand,
lad?
SMITH
Unless you want them trench foot tootsies hacked off. (Makes chopping motion.)
Wee-wee-wee, all the way home.
(A spray of shots from outside trench.)
PERCIVAL
God, I hope that sniper’s not—
SMITH
Aiming for your hoity-toity head?
PERCIVAL
Not someone I know.
SMITH
It’s the enemy, Caviar. Not a spy, are you?
PERVICAL
Don’t be ridiculous, Corporal Smith.
SMITH
Now, if I had a scoped rifle like them sausage-eaters? That Saxon sneak would snuff
it right now. We’d go over the top. Scrounge us some wild hare and roast it up.
GRAHAM
I’m fed up to me eyeballs. Bout to lose me marbles.
PERCIVAL
2
Bob’s your uncle, Private Asher.
SMITH
Your marbles are already lost. Here’s one—catch! (Flicks a rock at GRAHAM.
CAGNEY knocks it away before it hits GRAHAM.)
PERCIVAL
We’ll die of boredom before bullets in No Man’s Land.
SMITH
Speak for yourself.
PERCIVAL
What are we to make of stalemate? This baffling trench cycle? Dawn attack, wait.
SMITH
Then morning hate—and a spray of shells. (Shoots out the trench.)
PERCIVAL
Afternoon raid, wait. Stand to at dusk, bayonet at the ready. Rest a bit and do it all
over again.
GRAHAM
Heard more guff from me lads in the Scots Guard.
SMITH
Quit flogging a dead horse.
GRAHAM
They say we’ll be here for a donkey’s ears. Til the New Year at least.
SMITH
Tosh on Scotsmen scuttlebutt! Don’t pay no nevermind to Nancy-boys in petticoats.
PERCIVAL
They’re kilts, Smith.
3
GRAHAM
They’re grand entirely.
PERCIVAL
When the Scots Guard march along? The kilts ripple like waves.
GRAHAM
With bagpipes wailing. Blooming grand, I tell you. Gives me the spine shivers.
SMITH
How many times I gotta tell you? The war will end when it ends.
GRAHAM
(Slashes with knife against chunk of wood.) One more night packed away. Another
endless day begins. Right, Percy? Another trench cycle.
PERCIVAL
Buck up, Private Asher, my lad. What’s today’s number?
GRAHAM
It’s All Hallows’ Eve, gents.
PERCIVAL
So…
GRAHAM
Fifty-five days til Christmas. Til we go home.
SMITH
Bollocks to your countdown! (Snatches wood from GRAHAM.)
GRAHAM
Give it here, Smith. I’ve no stomach for fisticuffs.
SMITH
(Hurls wood out of trench; there is a shot.) The Huns cry bollocks, too.
4
GRAHAM
No skin off my teeth, what? I’ll countdown in me head.
SMITH
Gormless git! We’ll never go home.
PERCIVAL
Sure we will, Smith. For Christmas.
SMITH
Shipped off to Old Blighty in a bully beef tin.
GRAHAM
Won’t neither!
SMITH
Little bits and pieces for dear old Mummy. Bits of fat. Pieces of bone.
GRAHAM
No!
SMITH
Go back to your nursery. No Man’s Land is for rough-men. And you? Quit eyeballing
me, Cagney. Shellshocked mute.
GRAHAM
Leave Cagney out of this. He speaks when he’s good and ready. When there’s something
important to say.
5
SIDE 2 Grandmama and Eugenie
GRADMAMA
I remember her grandmother’s rag and bone cart. Ghastly. (Stitching.) Stitches are
slipshod without refinement of skills.
EUGENIE
I can’t concentrate on stitchery. I’m dizzy with worry.
GRANDMAMA
It’s woman’s burden to worry when man wages war. Sit and worry like a proper lady.
EUGENIE
I have ideas. Abilities. Vitality.
GRANDMAMA
Toodle off to your books, then. A genteel woman is educated as an apt companion for
her
husband.
EUGENIE
Tosh! I’m educated for myself. Full stop. For my own betterment and to help others.
GRANDMAMA
Such self-puffery. Pass the chartreuse yarn.
EUGENIE
I’ll never live someone else’s idea of my life.
GRANDMAMA
Pish posh. If you must be educated, full stop, why do we disagree? Off. Away to your
studies. You are dismissed.
EUGENIE
Studies wait while the world’s in disarray. I’ll learn more working at hospital than
pouring over books.
GRANDMAMA
Domesticity suits the weaker sex. Though girls who scuttle brick walls and skulk about
have yet to be domesticated.
EUGENIE
I wouldn’t sneak if you let me come and go like Cornelius.
GRANDMAMA
Decrees are meant to be enforced. You may leave the house for school only. Full stop.
EUGENIE
Decrees are meant to be broken. It’s a brave new world.
29
GRANDMAMA
A world shrugging off the cloak of personal morality. Disgraceful.
EUGENIE
I won’t fester like a carbuncle. I’ll take action.
GRANDMAMA
Action is the realm of men. There are men. And women. Never the twain shall meet.
EUGENIE
Oh, dear, Grandmama. Bit of logic flaw, isn’t it? How is it we all came to be, then?
6
GRANDMAMA
Mind your tongue! Maintain propriety.
EUGENIE
I don’t give a curried fig for decorum.
GRANDMAMA
Clearly. Your studies of the body’s base proclivities is distressing. Strive to be a lady.
Maintain unruffled composure.
EUGENIE
I’m stormy and, and—and ruffled.
GRANDMAMA
Next, you’ll bob your locks. And prance about in trousers.
EUGENIE
I’m not asking your permission. Or your blessing.
GRANDMAMA
Folderol!
EUGENIE
You can’t stop me.
GRANDMAMA
I can. I will. I’ll turn you out, girl.
EUGENIE
Lily will take me in.
GRANDMAMA
Your mother ran off after dear Edmond perished in South Africa. Look what happened
to
her. Rotting away in the lunatic asylum!
EUGENIE
Leave Mum out of this.
GRANDMAMA
Have you no idea the gore you’ll endure? You! You shiver at the sight of a hangnail.
EUGENIE
All medical students learn to buck up. I’m stronger than you know.
GRANDMAMA
Help me with this knot. See? You’ve some domestic skills after all.
EUGENIE
Handicrafts fidget me. I’ll use my hands to heal.
GRANDMAMA
Humbug! You’ll empty chamber pots into a cesspool. Swab entrails.
EUGENIE
If Percival must stomach evils far beyond reason, I must seek bravery.
GRANDMAMA
You! Eugenie the Faint of Heart! That dreadful place will swallow you whole.
EUGENIE
My heart is strong. My hands are willing.
GRANDMAMA
They’ll turn you away.
EUGENIE
7
I’ve secured a position already.
GRANDMAMA
Sly. Cunning. Your conduct is reprehensible.
EUGENIE
I’m ready to do all that’s asked of me.
GRANDMAMA
I’ll shun you. Turn my back to you.
EUGENIE
You trapped me here like a hothouse rose. The war changed everything.
GRANDMAMA
I’ll keep Cornelius from your evil influence. And your muggy breathing cures.
EUGENIE
I’ll do my bit for my love. Percy endures far worse than we can imagine.
GRANDMAMA
Love has addled your brain. You’ll not defy me.
EUGENIE
I will. I have.
GRANDMAMA
The world is a cruel, spiteful place. A place with jaundiced fangs and hooked claws.
8
SIDE 3 CORNELIUS AND GRANDMAMA
CORNELIUS
My country needs me.
GRANDMAMA
Poppycock.
CORNELIUS
Grandmama Cumberbatch, I’m cured. I’m sound of wind. (Thumps chest and breathes
deeply.)
GRANDMAMA
Balderdash.
CORNELIUS
I passed my medical. I’m fit as a fiddle. Fighting fit. Ready to defend king and country.
GRANDMAMA
Under what delusion do you operate? What makes you believe you are miraculously
cured? After a lifetime of weak lungs!
CORNELIUS
I’ve cured myself.
GRANDMAMA
My dear boy. London’s finest physicians failed to buck up your delicate composition.
Pray, how have you possibly succeeded?
CORNELIUS
I set aside steam cures and concocted a miraculous potion.
GRANDMAMA
(Mocking.) An elixir!
CORNELIUS
Quite right! Three parts tincture of belladonna. Two parts mercury, one part iodine of
potash. Oh—and a pinch of ground fennel seed.
GRANDMAMA
At least you abstained from bloodletting.
CORNELIUS
I have my orders. I’m packed and ready to ship off to the front.
GRANDMAMA
Preposterous.
CORNELIUS
A blessed Christmas present!
GRANDMAMA
Absolutely not. You are dismissed.
CORNELIUS
I’ve yearned for this day, begged God to grant my greatest desire.
GRANDMAMA
You prayed most foolishly. Count your blessings. Thousands of lads have lost their
lives.
CORNELIUS
They’ve fought for us. For me. While I wallowed in wheezes. I’m off to Victoria Station.
9
GRANDMAMA
I’ve already cast out your foolhardy sister. Am I to permit your suicide?
CORNELIUS
I’ll write Eugenie from the front.
GRANDMAMA
Don’t speak her name in my presence.
CORNELIUS
Don’t send me off with a broken heart, Grandmama.
GRANDMAMA
You will not leave.
CORNELIUS
Farewell. May God forgive you. (Exits.)
GRANDMAMA
(On phone.) Yes, this Mrs. Finnias Cumberbatch of 145 Lowden High Street. I require a
telegram delivery to Charing Cross Hospital. To Miss Eugenie Cumberbatch. Urgent.
You caused rash conduct. Your silly brother passed muster. Cured himself with
belladonna. He departs Victoria Station tonight. Death certain. Full stop. (Several beats.
GRANDMAMA lifts framed portrait.) What would you think of your mother now, dear
Edmond? What would you think of me now
10
SIDE 4 Nurse Wiggins, Eugenie, Cagney
NURSE WIGGINS
(Enters.) How are we tonight, Private? I heard there was something of a kerfuffle earlier.
I’m delighted that competent Nurse Cumberbatch has everything reigned in. Telegram
for
you, Nurse.
EUGENIE
Thank you, ma’am. I hope it’s not— (Reads telegram.)
NURSE WIGGINS
I do hope you’re getting enough sleep, dear. You look a bit—well, weary.
EUGENIE
I’m fine, Nurse Wiggins, thank you. Fighting fit.
NURSE WIGGINS
You do throw yourself headlong into things. Don’t you, dear? Be careful you don’t give
away the choice bits. Leave yourself tapped out. It’s a tricky proposition. Happy
Christmas, Private. (Exits.)
CAGNEY
What were you saying about my foot?
EUGENIE
Grandmama deigned to contact me. Dreadful news. My brother’s gone off to war.
CAGNEY
Bully for him. God save the King.
EUGENIE
Look here. Spill your secrets. Straightaway.
CAGNEY
Spill yours. My foot. Whack it out. Spill your guts like a bayonet jab.
EUGENIE
Your foot has been amputated.
CAGNEY
Hacked off like so much sausage.
EUGENIE
Don’t lose hope. There are marvelous advances with artificial limbs these days. You’ll
walk again. Run in no time.
CAGNEY
Walk and run?
EUGENIE
Most certainly.
CAGNEY
That’s for Nancy-boys. I’m a soldier! I’ll trek the blooming Alps! Fleet-footed as a lynx.
EUGENIE
You will, my friend.
CAGNEY
Have you looked at it? At the—the stump?
EUGENIE
No. Nurse Wiggins changes your bandages.
11
CAGNEY
Cut away the binding. I need to see. Need to know. Please, Nurse. Please, friend.
EUGENIE
Of course. (EUGENIE struggles to remove CAGNEY’s bandages.) I don’t have the
proper equipment at the mo-CAGNEY
Don’t get your drawers in a bundle. A warrior is always ready. (Reaches under bed and
removes huge knife.) Now, slash these bindings. I need to see how the doctors joined
forces with the Huns. (EUGENIE cuts away bandages. She and CAGNEY shield their
faces against the stench) Christ almighty. I got the stench of a corpse. Look at me.
Black
and putrid as blood pudding. This leg’s done for. The surgeons will hack it like
mincemeat. I’m the bloody living dead.
(EUGENIE embraces CAGNEY for several beats.)
EUGENIE
It crushes my heart to do this. Word of honor, dearheart. I’ll return lickety-split. I must
stop my brother. Before it’s too late.
CAGNEY
Yes, stop him at once. Stop one more bloke from limping back to England with his body
shattered. His soul smashed to smithereens.
12
SIDE 5 – Lillabeth, Eugenie, Bruno, Cornelius, Percival
LILLABETH
You’ve brought your Glockenspiel, Bruno. Won’t you serenade us?
(BRUNO half-heartedly pings out Auld Lange Syne.)
EUGENIE
(Sings along.) Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? Should
old
acquaintance be forgot, and old lang syne? Don’t stop, Maestro.
BRUNO
I regret I cannot continue.
EUGENIE
Oh, do. It’s blooming marvelous.
BRUNO
My belly is in tangles.
EUGENIE
Nibble a digestive biscuit. Cures the collywobbles.
BRUNO
Ach, such devastating days. Not only for my dear homeland.
PERCIVAL
But for all of Europe.
LILLABETH
Matchless.
BRUNO
We’re waiting for the world to implode.
LILLABETH
Germany declared war on Russia one day. War on France two days later.
BRUNO
Belgium—invaded.
PERCIVAL
Sir Grey issued his dire ultimatum. He demands Germany leave Belgium.
BRUNO
Whilst we twist in the bitter wind.
LILLABETH
Waiting for news of Germany’s departure.
BRUNO
Waiting, waiting. It’s excruciating.
EUGENIE
Cease fire! How many times must we go over dreary world affairs?
BRUNO
As many as it takes to understand.
EUGENIE
Nein. No chatter of tiresome troubles. They’re terribly removed from us. Far, far away.
PERCIVAL
But they are not.
13
BRUNO
You’re trusting as a babe-in-arms.
LILLABETH
You do prattle on, Eugenie.
PERCIVAL
A single ripple on the continent triggers a tidal wave across our island.
EUGENIE
Hush, Percy. (Kisses her finger and touches it to PERCIVAL’S lips.) I’ll kiss you silent.
Hush, all of you. Focus on here and now.
BRUNO
I will try. Though I suffer Fingerspitzengefuhl.
LILLABETH
Finger—huh?
EUGENIE
Ghastly! I do hope it’s not contagious.
BRUNO
A tingling in the fingertips. A buzzing like bees. A hunch in the gut.
EUGENIE
In my esteemed opinion, you, dear man, suffer from Black Death. Catarrh. Mild
neuralgia. With lashings of melancholia.
PERCIVAL
Quite right.
EUGENIE
Melancholia is devastatingly contagious.
BRUNO
Let’s bicycle along the trail. Take you home before Grandmama captures you.
(Offstage, a burst of racket and a clamor of screams and voices.)
LILLABETH
What’s all the kerfuffle at this ungodly hour?
EUGENIE
Blot it out, darlings.
(CORNELIUS, wildly disheveled and panting, enters at a run.)
LILLABETH
Cornelius, you’re soaked to the bone.
(CORNELIUS wheezes and mops his brow.)
EUGENIE
You shouldn’t dash about with those weak lungs, brother. Here. Lean on me.
CORNELIUS
My lungs are strong. (Wheezes.)
EUGENIE
Let’s go home straightaway for a steam cure.
CORNELIUS
I’m robust.
EUGENIE
We’ll unearth the cause of your paroxysms. I promise.
14
CORNELIUS
Fit for all duties. (Plops down, hacking.)
PERCIVAL
What the dickens is wrong?
CORNELIUS
War! Britain declared war on Germany.
BRUNO
Mein Gott!
PERCIVAL
It can’t be.
BRUNO
I knew it would come to this.
EUGENIE
Are you sure?
CORNELIUS
Didn’t you hear church bells clang? No, I suppose not. Your foolish head is buried in the
sand. Stuffed with dreams. Play-acting at medicine. Concocting cures.
BRUNO
It was inevitable.
LILLABETH
What now?
BRUNO
The Fatherland…
CORNELIUS
Fatherland! Germany gnaws at the very heart of Europe. A threat to Britain’s
supremacy.
BRUNO
My gentle Mutter. My Brüder—
CORNELIUS
You’ll be deported. Go, barbarian! Out of our sight!
EUGENIE
Don’t be ridiculous.
CORNELIUS
Shove off! Before I turn you in as an enemy of the state.
PERCIVAL
Good God, man. Bruno’s barbered you since you were in nappies.
CORNELIUS
He’s a German. The Empire’s enemy.
EUGENIE
Cornelius, be sensible.
CORNELIUS
The Empire’s enemy is our enemy.
BRUNO
He’s— he’s right. Everything has changed in the beat of a heart.
15
Side 6 – Noah, Smith, Percival, Cagney, Graham
PERCIVAL (end of letter he is writing)
In the trenches, we crave diversion. An army of cooties and fleas—so plentiful
Parliament might recruit a new brigade—provide humble entertainment….
(Bagpipes grow louder.)
CAGNEY
Wotcher, Noah the Arcmeister!
SMITH
Oh, now he speaks? None of that Meister rubbish. Blimey, whose side you on? I’ll take
you for a Hun, Cagney. Shoot you twixt the eyes.
GRAHAM
Noah is the master of No Man’s Land’s creepy-crawlies.
SMITH
That Jock? Wandering trench to trench like a tinker?
PERCIVAL
He tames wild beasties.
SMITH
He’s off his nut. Louse bites made the blighter batty with trench fever.
GRAHAM
Bit of diversion for us poor wet sods, what?
NOAH
Step aside, aye? Clear my path whilst I slog the putrid muck of this godforsaken pit.
Pweee, it’s boggin. Sonny Jesus himself would pinch his nose, aye?
(Sounds of shots outside trench. SMITH shoots back.)
Ladies and gents.
SMITH
Ladies? Where?
NOAH
I hail from the Highlands of Scotland. My people were fierce warriors of the MacDonald
clan.
SMITH
Band of eejits, all of them.
NOAH
Viking blood courses through my very veins.
SMITH
And flows down his petticoats.
NOAH
We fight with sword and fire. Don’t we, lads?
(SOLDIERS woot and whistle.)
NOAH
But now? A wee respite. Step up for the most dazzling, death-defying deeds on the
Western Front! Marvel at my merry menagerie! Feast your eyes on the fantastic feats of
the Fusiliers Flea Circus!
SMITH
Flea-bitten fool. Your act’s lousy.
16
NOAH
Pay no attention to the morose man in the muck. First up. Limber-limbed Liam Louse.
(SOLDIERS woot and whistle.)
SMITH
Gone off the rails. Balmy. No way for soldiers to conduct themselves, if you ask me.
NOAH
In this frightful feat, Liam hops his unicycle. Breaches the parapet. Thumbs his wee
snout
at the Saxons, and races the perimeter.
SMITH
Where’s your dignity, men?
NOAH
Liam roars back, unscathed. Stand back, blokes. My little shaver needs breathing
space.
SMITH
Can’t see a bloody thing, gasper.
PERCIVAL
Must be in your blind spot.
NOAH
Our next acrobat is quite a beaut. She comes straightaway from Gay Paree.
GRAHAM
Oh la la.
NOAH
This teeny tumbler backstroked the Channel. Hitched a ride on one of our fine fellows
and abdicated to the Crown. Silence, if you please! Introducing Mademoiselle Fifi Flea!
(SOLDIERS whistle lasciviously.)
PERCIVAL
Gents, that’s no way to treat a lady.
NOAH
A triple dipple perpendicular flip. Expertly executed.
SMITH
Aw, stuff a sock in it. You’re barking mad. I don’t see nothing.
NOAH
Right here, old bean. See? Fifi frolics on the tip of my thumb.
SMITH
You’re daft! We need a good war to wipe out the likes of you.
PERCIVAL
Don’t want to watch the show, Smith? Shove off.
SMITH
I’m cheesed off. War’s not sport.
PERCIVAL
Let the Arcmeister entertain us in peace, soldier.
SMITH
Peace my arse. We’ll never see a minute’s peace in this slimy hellhole.
NOAH
There’s peace now, what? Not a shot fired all day, chap.
17
SMITH
Shut your yap. You’re all wet. (Dumps bucket of mud over circus.)
NOAH
No! Not my circus!
SMITH
Ah, belt up. Quit jawing. Lice are ten a penny here.
GRAHAM
That was pure mean. Vicious.
NOAH
My little bairns… My wee family…
18
SIDE 7 – Percival
PERCIVAL
(Writing.) Night after night. Awash in utter futility. Fighting off despair. Blocks of ice
where once were fingers and toes. Crosseyed with exhaustion, knee-deep in filthy
water… A trench rabbit—that is, a rat big as a Scottish wildcat—snuggled under my
arm.
Right in that special crook I reserve for you, dearest Eugenie. His rodent companions
gnaw at my bootlaces…. I can’t smother the stench of death and decay, kill the sight of
fallen comrades whose bones litter the battlefield. But I’m never alone here. My mates
see to that. The lice do as well—I’m lousy with them! They bite like the devil, from scalp
to toe tip I’m mottled. I chisel them from my flesh with the tip of a knife. Plump with my
blood, the rogues laugh at my St. Vitas dance. I scratch to the marrow, pitting my flesh
with trenches dug from tattered fingernails. My gimpy knee aches, but I dare not
complain. My comrades live with far worse. (Rips up letter.)
(Writing.) I won’t be home to Dear Old Blighty for Christmas, Darling. By the time you
read this, the New Year will be in full, uncertain swing. Now, the moon rises over No
Man’s Land. I recall our innocent picnic. That sweet celebration we shared, the last
instant before peace shattered like a goblet. That dear memory, with so many others, is
a hallucination now. It flickers just out of reach. Dissolves in a mist when I struggle to
embrace it.
19
Side 8 – Noah, 1st German Officer, 2nd German Officer, Smith,
Percival
Scene 7: No Man’s Land
NOAH sings a snippet of “Silent
Night” in English.)
NOAH
Don’t stay there, mate. Come over here.
SECOND GERMAN SOLDIER
No, you come here.
NOAH
You first.
FIRST GERMAN SOLDIER
Here, Tommy.
NOAH
Stop right there, Fritz. Not another step. (Aims gun at them.)
FIRST GERMAN SOLDIER
We come in goodwill.
SECOND GERMAN SOLDIER
You no shoot.
FIRST GERMAN SOLDIER
We no shoot.
SECOND GERMAN SOLDIER
No guns. Just tannenbaum.
NOAH
I won’t shoot.
FIRST GERMAN SOLDIER
We no work today. No kill today.
SECOND GERMAN SOLDIER
Merry Christmas, Tommy. (Shakes hands with NOAH.)
SMITH
Cor! Look it here. That barmy Jock pumping hands with a Saxon! One who plugged our
mates yesterday. Knew he was a traitor first time I laid eyes on him.
SECOND GERMAN SOLDIER
We give you trifles.
FIRST GERMAN SOLDIER
Meats.
SECOND GERMAN SOLDIER
Cakes.
FIRST GERMAN SOLDIER
Schnapps.
SMITH
It’s a Hun scheme.
NOAH
After you, gents. Take a chug first. Bottoms up.
20
SECOND GERMAN SOLDIER
Take tannenbaun. Pretty, ja?
NOAH
Ja. Pretty.
PERCIVAL
Noah, you all right? What the devil is he holding?
SMITH
Criminy! He’s all lit up. Those wretches torched him.
PERCIVAL
No!
SECOND GERMAN SOLIDER
See, Tommy? Schnapps good. No poison. No kill.
NOAH
Aye, how it warms my frozen heart to see a wee tree—to smell a tree.
FIRST GERMAN SOLDIER
Soldiers get tannenbaun from home.
NOAH
Look here, chaps. I have trinkets for you right here. In my brass tin. Chocolates.
Smokes.
Souvenirs. Chivvy along. Whack it out, now.
SECOND GERMAN SOLDIER
Whack?
NOAH
Share with your mates.
FIRST GERMAN SOLDIER
Danke.
SECOND GERMAN SOLDIER
We have casket of beer. We whack.
NOAH
That’s my lad! Roll it out to the middle of No Man’s Land, what? I’ll whack it out, I
promise. Won’t drink you dry. Good Christmas to you, Fritz.
FIRST GERMAN SOLDIER
What is under—?
NOAH
Flip that kilt again? I’ll give you such a hiding you won’t sit down til the New Year.
Nothing to see under there you haven’t already seen.
FIRST GERMAN SOLIDER
Is—?
NOAH
The dangly bits. (Does a little jig and sings.) Behold this bonnie Scotsman. So strong
and handsome built. I’ve leave you, Fritz, to wonder. What he wears beneath his kilt.
(FIRST GERMAN SOLIDER laughs uproariously.)
SMITH
Blimey! Treasonous son of a bitch!
NOAH
Know why it’s called a kilt? The last bloke who called it a frock got kilt.
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