National Portage Association
Annual Conference 2010
Always, Often, Sometimes –
revisiting our principles around
relationships with children
Dr Simon Burnham Educational Psychologist
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I aim to cover …
If I had a superpower …
Our beliefs and principles
Why don’t behaviour strategies work?
Always, Often, Sometimes
The simple ingredients of a happy life
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The future looks … interesting.
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‘The telephone will prove so
valuable that I expect every
town will want at least two.’
Alexander Graham Bell 1876
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‘Guitar music is on
the way out …’
Decca Records 1962
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‘We will not see a
woman prime minister in
my lifetime.’
Margaret Thatcher 1974
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There has never been a better
time to re-visit our principles.
When the future looks
‘interesting’, principles keep
you grounded.
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What are your ‘unshakeable’
beliefs about children?
What
goes
on in
there?
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Any idea
how I get
this big
cuddly thing
to work?
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What will
happen
if …?
Broad principles …
Children try to get their needs met
through a ‘What will happen if …’
approach.
A thousand mini-experiments a day!!!
If something ‘works’, they’ll do it again!
‘Children don’t set out to create problems,
they set out to create solutions to problems’
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Broad principles …
All behaviour has to be understood in
context:
Time, place, persons present, persons
absent, previous events, likely
consequences.
We are profoundly social animals, and
the biggest influences on our behaviour
are the relationships we have with other
people.
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The only piece of parenting advice
my Dad ever gave me
Remember son:
they live with you,
you don’t live
with them.
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We know so much about
children’s thoughts,
feelings and behaviour –
why is it still such a
struggle sometimes to
build the relationships
we want with them, and
encourage them to
behave appropriately?
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‘When we try to pick out anything
by itself, we find it hitched to
everything else in the universe.’
John Muir 1911
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The things we do
sometimes, and the
things we do often, only
‘work’ because of the
things we always do.
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Relationships – what
things should we do …
… always
A
O S
… often
… sometimes?
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Sometimes
Always
Often
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Try comparing an ideal
with an actual
… always
A
O S
… often
… sometimes
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The simple ingredients of a
happy life (all ages)





Food, drink, sleep
Feeling physically safe
Feeling psychologically safe
(predictability)
Feeling powerful (making choices, in
control)
Feeling important/wanted/loved
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How can adults help meet those
needs for children?
6 ‘Golden
Principles’

Interest shown in their moods, thoughts
and feelings



Explanations as well as instructions
Help to Generalise what they are learning
Consistency (predictability) in the
behaviour and responses from adults
 Feedback so they know what’s good and
bad, and why
 A feeling of being in Control, at least
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sometimes
Interest means...






‘You look tired…’
‘I know this looks hard…’
‘That’s good, you’re looking at me…’
‘Can we do this together…?’
‘Don’t worry…’
‘That’s a cheerful face…!’
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Interest means...






‘You look tired…’
‘I know this looks hard…’
‘That’s good, you’re looking at me…’
‘Can we do this together…?’
‘Don’t worry…’
‘That’s a cheerful face…!’
ALWAYS
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Explanation means



‘If we don’t pick them up someone might
tread on them and break them…’
‘If you listen to the story you’ll find out
what happens next…’
‘You need to clean your hands or you’ll
get paint all over the place…’
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Explanation means



‘If we don’t pick them up someone might
tread on them…’
‘If you listen to the story you’ll find out
what happens next…’
‘You need to clean your hands or you’ll
get paint all over the place…’
OFTEN
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Generalising means...



‘…and then no-one can use them.’
‘…and stories are more fun when you
know what’s happening in them.’
‘…and make life very hard for the person
who has to clean up later!’
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Generalising means...



‘…and then no-one can use them.’
‘…and stories are more fun when you
know what’s happening in them.’
‘…and make life very hard for the person
who has to clean up later!’
OFTEN
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Consistency means...




Say what you mean …
… and mean what you say
Inconsistent adults play havoc with a
child’s need and ability to make sense of
the world around them.
Inconsistent = unpredictable = stressful!
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Consistency means...




Say what you mean …
… and mean what you say
ALWAYS
Inconsistent adults play havoc with a
child’s need and ability to make sense of
the world around them.
Inconsistent = unpredictable = stressful!
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‘Perfect’ Praise or
Positive Feedback means…
Praise statement
Description of the ‘good’
behaviour
Reason why it was good
“ Thanks Billy for playing so quietly, that
made it much easier for me to talk to Jake”
The more specific it is, the more effect it has
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‘Perfect’ Praise or
Positive Feedback means…
Praise statement
Description of the ‘good’
behaviour
Reason why it was good
OFTEN
“ Thanks Billy for playing so quietly, that
made it much easier for me to talk to Jake”
The more specific it is, the more effect it has
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Control means...

Nobody likes to be told what to do by
somebody else all the time … some
children (and adults) don’t like it at all!!
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Control means...

Nobody likes to be told what to do by
somebody else all the time … some
children (and adults) don’t like it at all!!
SOMETIMES
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Summary
A
OS
Start in the middle and
work outwards!
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