Family Counseling
Conflict
• Conflict is simply the natural and healthy
progression of any relationship. Most
psychologists will tell you that a certain
amount of family conflict is healthy, far
better than a situation with no conflict at all
(which is also indicative of a problem in
itself).
• Unfortunately, it doesn't always end there.
According to Dr. Leonard Felder, author of
When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good
People, 70 percent of us have a frustrating
or difficult relative lurking somewhere in
our family tree. Whether that relative is an
immediate family member like a rebellious
child or difficult parent, the impact on the
entire family can be extremely stressful
and at times, quite destructive. In some
families, there is no single person , but just
a seemingly "bad mix" of personalities that
cannot get along.
• When the degree and intensity of fighting
and arguing increases to the point where
they impact daily functioning, happiness,
or the personality of one or more family
members, outside intervention becomes
necessary. Counseling offers family
members a neutral voice and a place to be
heard. It can also give us the necessary
tools to resolve conflict in a healthy way,
bringing peace and harmony back to our
everyday lives.
• Families with addiction issues are often
not able to see beyond the learned
behavior and their reactions to it. Families
are often caught in just trying to get the
addict to treatment.
• BUT WHAT THEN?
What is Intimacy
• Intimacy encompasses an entire way of
being, acting, and thinking. It is a place of
commitment, vulnerability, and
trust. Intimacy is when people understand
each other while simultaneously feeling
understood. People can be married or part
of a family and never truly be intimate with
each other.
• Unfortunately, for the most part, we all carry
emotional baggage with us before we even enter
committed relationships, we cannot allow
ourselves to trust or be open with our partners or
families. Consciously or unconsciously, we are
always waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop;
meanwhile we shut ourselves off from
experiencing what we all innately desire — a
partnership in which we can simply be, without
fear or mistrust. When a relationship lacks
intimacy, one or both parties involved can feel
unwanted, anxious, lonely, inadequate,
depressed, rejected, resentful, and angry just to
name a few of the many emotions that surface.
• Until we are able to rid ourselves of our old patterns and
ways of reacting, we will see intimacy in one of two
ways: we will either crave intimacy in an attempt to make
up for the lack of intimacy we felt growing up or we will
push it away in order to avoid feeling the pain of the
past. Ironically, both types of people are after the same
end result, they just go about it in opposite directions —
neither of which is healthy or effective. For example, if
you are the type of person that craves the feeling of
intimacy, you will tend to smother your partner in
neediness. You will try and fill your own feelings of
desperation and emptiness through your spouse,
something that will ultimately cause them to back off,
ironically causing more neediness on your part and more
retreating on theirs.
• First of all, the only thing we ever have
control over in life is our own feelings and
reactions. While intimacy involves more
than one person, simply changing your
perspective and response to any given
situation can make a world of difference to
the relationship. If you can’t first tear down
the walls that keep you from experiencing
intimacy, it really doesn’t matter what your
partner does — it will never be enough.
• Generally, families of addicts feel alone,
empty, depressed, resentful, or angry, this
is a sign there are unresolved underlying
issues. As cliché as it sounds, we do have
to accept ourselves first before we can
accept another person. Intimacy involves
vulnerability and trust. It involves people
reaching down into the core of their beings
and allowing the other person in with no
fear or regret. Intimacy with another
person is one of the most rewarding things
we will ever experience in life. Given our
pasts, this can be a very scary ordeal
• You as the counselor must recognize the
fear that accompanies the thoughts people
have of being open and vulnerable, and
you must be ready to understand him or
her. You must see how the addicts
behavior has caused the feelings the
family is having. Initially, You as the
counselor must works with them to resolve
the pain and hurt from past experiences.
This is a very personal and raw aspect of
working through what has caused the shut
down of emotion.
How do we do this?
• Open with a question of what they would like to
work on
• Begin with one issue at a time
• Help them to identify their feelings
• Have every person be heard about how they feel
about the issue
• Help them express their feelings in healthy ways
• Help them set one goal for the week to be
conscious of
• Discuss rules of mutual respect for feelings and
time outs available to all
Dealing with Anger
• Many families have tremendous anger that
arises after the fear is acknowledged
• Like all emotions, anger is a very natural
response to a particular situation. Instinctively,
we are hardwired to react aggressively when
faced with a real or perceived threat. Although
healthy and in some cases even crucial to our
well being, anger becomes a detrimental force
when it develops into uncontrollable rage,
hurting those around us, or when it simply
controls our lives.
• Anger itself is not the problem; it is how we
chose to react to the anger that gets us in
trouble. Often times we may not even
realize we are angry until that pivotal
moment when everything around us
seems to fade away and all we feel is our
heart pounding faster, our blood pressure
rising and then, this wild, unrecognizable
being seems to take over, doing and
saying things we would never say on our
worst day. This is the point when anger
becomes dangerous.
• Any rational thoughts we might have had, left the
minute we started seeing red. And even though
we consciously know what is happening around
us, we feel helpless to stop it. Suddenly, it feels
really good to throw anything within reach, lash
out at everyone in the vicinity, and scream at the
top of your lungs. You don’t care that you
resemble a raving lunatic; releasing the pent-up
energy is all that matters, even if people you
love and care about get hurt. Then, when it’s all
over, the guilt sets in as the results of your
actions become known causing yet more
unresolved anger. It is a never-ending cycle.
Healthy ways to process
• Identify feelings of anger
• Discuss appropriate ways to release the
feelings
• Physical exertion helps tremendously
(thus DV situations)
• Create a plan to help identify and move
into appropriate communication then
action
Boundaries
• Allow the family to have an open
discussion about desired behaviors
• Discuss appropriate reactions to behaviors
• Help them set time outs and words to
agree upon as triggers to create
boundaries
• Come to agreement that when these
triggers are used that all will cooperate