Rosa Zavala
Instructor Merkel
Communication 1050
7/28/13
Genderlect Styles
Debora Tannen is a linguistic professor at Georgetown University, who specializes in the way
people communicate. She is also a writer who has published many books for which she is famous for.
One of her most famous books is called, “You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation”.
In the book Tannen emphasizes the importance of understanding Genderlect Styles in order for men and
woman to communicate efficiently. Male-female communication is cross-cultural.
Tannen first noticed the difference in male-female speech when she studied video tapes of girls
and boys communicating with one another. She says she felt as if she was studying “two different
species.” When asked to talk about something serious the girls could sit comfortably and talk. On the
other hand, the boys were relentless, never looked at each other, jumped from topic to topic and talked
about games. She says even though men and woman use the same terms, they are “tuned to different
frequencies.”
Tannen believes miscommunication between men and woman is common because the parties
usually do not realize they have different genderlect styles. Men and woman are different in many ways.
They run on different wavelengths. The key to understanding their differences is the way men and
women communicate (Drobnick). Men and woman are very different from one another. The only way to
really understand the opposite sex is through understanding how the other communicates.
According to Tannen’s Genderlect Theory, women seek human connection while men are
concerned mainly with status. “She [Tannen] believes as children grow older, boys tend to play in larger
groups with structured hierarchies, while girls often interact in smaller groups with emphasis on
collaborating and creating positive interaction. Women’s communication tends to be aimed toward
establishing relationships while men’s communication is focused defining status” (Langford). Men and
woman begin showing cross-cultural communication at a very young age. Boys have a larger group of
friends whom they play with and form leaders while girls have a few friends whom they equally include
in activities. “Specifically, a gender-defined roll for men is wrapped around three words: control, status
and winning. As a card-carrying member of the muscular gender, I can tell you my life is often defined by
a game I had to master as a child, “King of The Mountain”... women, on the other hand, have learned
that playing hopscotch, “school” and jump rope give “everyone a turn.” Winning is not as important
as…connecting. So the key words that characterize women would be community, networking and
relationship building” (LeMon). LeMon believes that men live their lives around status and winning also
that women grow up building connections and involving everyone. Because people tend to see each
other as equal, some might argue with Tannen’s Genderlect Theory. Men and woman often times do
not believe they have different communication styles. “Despite these dangers, I am joining the growing
dialogue on gender and language because the risk of ignoring differences is greater than the danger of
naming them” (Tannen). Even though Tannen knows there will be those who disagree with her theory
she believes it is worth researching dialect between men and woman. To her the benefits of
understanding the opposite sex are greater than the criticism she will receive. Do men and woman come
from different worlds when communicating with one another?
Tannen is believes that woman focus on connection while men focus on status because
she says she listens to men and women talk. When women talk, they use “rapport talk”, which is talk
used to create connections, establish goodwill, show support, and build community (Adler, Elmhorst,
Lucas). When woman speak they try to connect with the listener and they incorporate feelings into their
words. Some examples of rapport talk are; “I’m worried about finishing those reports today”, and “I’m
glad everyone had the chance to speak.” Both of the sentences not only get across what she has to say,
they also show how she is feeling about a situation. Feelings are a natural part of women
communication. “Women focus on building rapport, by sharing experiences and asking questions”
(Lieberman). Women share experiences to try to connect with the person they are speaking to. They
also ask questions to build a connection and understanding. “Girls friendships focus on making
connections – talk is essential to this process. Sharing secrets, relating experiences, revealing problems
and discussing options are essential during girls development… women communicate through dialogue,
discussing emotions, choices and problems” (Sherwood). Women feel the need to bond and share
feelings with the person they speak to. Studies show that as girls develop they share secrets and build
connections with their friends from experiences. According to Drobnick women use communication to
discover how they are feeling and what they want to say. He says they see conversation as an act of
sharing and an opportunity to increase intimacy with partner therefore releasing negative feelings and
being able to solidify the bond with her man. As a counselor, Drobnick understands the needs of woman
communication and he concurs with Tannen’s theory that women indeed communicate differently than
men. Women speak with the intention to share feelings and connect and talking and build relationships
with speech.
On the other hand, men use “report talk”, which is defined as speech that focuses less on
feelings and relationships and more on information, facts, knowledge, and competence (Adler, Elmhorst,
Lucas). Men do not express their feelings as much as women when they communicate. They cut straight
to the point and focus on facts. Tannen believes that men use talk as a weapon and the function of the
long explanations they use is to command attention, convey information, and insist on agreement.
“[Boys] buddy groups tend to be larger, focusing on activities rather than conversation... Males remain
action oriented—the goal of communication is to achieve something” (Sherwood). Men build
relationships through action. They speak when they have something factual to say with purpose.
Drobnick states men believe communication should have a clear purpose; behind every conversation is a
problem that needs solving or a point that needs to be made; communication is used to get to the root
of the dilemma as efficiently as possible. Men see themselves as problem solvers and are factual when
they communicate. Instead of sharing feelings they look for solutions. LeMon says that men believe the
glue for any relationship is doing something together (building a log home, rugby, golf). Men connect
through action rather than feelings like women do. In order for men to build a connection and
relationship they seek something to do together. When men speak they are direct and cut to the point
of what they mean by the use of facts. They build relationships by doing something active as opposed to
talking like women do.
Report and Rapport speech emphasize Tannen’s points that she makes in her Genderlect Styles
theory. Rapport, which is used by women, builds connection. While report sticks with facts and is used
to win arguments. “Women’s language tends to be more indirect and subtle than men’s
language…Women tend to tag declarative answers by adding yes/no rising annotations that make
statements sound like questions. Women use hyper-polite forms that may involve more word usage.
Women include modifiers and query tags, often avoiding definitive statements. Metaphor and
superlatives, such as “Nothing is working” characterize women’s language, and men mistakenly take
these expressions literally since male language is more absolute and female language more abstract”
(Turney, Sitler). When woman speak they sort out thoughts and feelings, which make them seem like
they are unsure of situations. They process information as they speak. Men do the complete opposite.
Before they speak they take facts into consideration and give a straight answer that they stick with.
Report and rapport talk are completely opposite languages.
Tannen’s Genderlect theory suggests that men and women have two different ways of sharing
stories. She states that men tell more jokes and stories than women. She believes telling jokes, for men,
is a masculine way to negotiate status. Another difference in story telling is men are the heroes in their
stories while women downplay themselves. Drobnick has the same ideas on storytelling as Tannen. He
says “when he [men] tells a story he has already sorted through the muck in his own head, and shares
only those details that he deems essential to the point of the story.” A man does not feel he has to share
every detail when telling a story; he shares the most important points and gives enough information for
the listener to understand. As for the women’s side of telling a story Drobnick says, “She uses
communication to explore and organize her thoughts – to discover the point of the story. She may not
know what information is necessary or excessive until the words come spilling out. But a woman isn’t
necessarily searching for a solution when she initiates a conversation. She’s looking for someone to
listen and understand what she is feeling.” When a woman tells a story she has not sorted it in her head
beforehand. She just begins talking and gives information as she goes along. She does not have a
solution, she just wants someone to listen and understand. Men-woman stories have two different
motives; one is to get just enough information out to have a clear understanding while the other is to
have someone listen.
In Tannen’s theory, men and women have different techniques for listening. Women show
attentiveness through verbal and non-verbal cues. Men try to avoid these cues to keep from appearing
“one down.” “Women’s actions focus on maintaining the relationships: providing attention and
encouraging participation, the goal for men, however, depends upon the task” (Sherwood). The
nonverbal communication that women give differs from men. Women give their attention and listen,
while men change their nonverbal communication with the task they are handling. “Men see questions
as simply requests for information. They tend to rely on the declarative statement as their primary
communication vehicle. Even if they aren’t completely certain, they will deliver their message with
authority. In some cases, they use aggressive tactics, such as frequent interruptions, as ways to control
the conversation” (Langford). When men are asked a question they see it as an opportunity to give their
expertise. They give information on the subject and stick with it even if they are not sure they have the
correct answer. They interrupt the other person whom they are communicating with to keep their
status and take control of conversation. “Studies on gender difference indicate that minimal responses
such as nods, “yes” and “mm hum” are common features of conversation. These responses often lead to
male-female miscommunication. For women, a minimal response of this type means simply that she is
listening not necessarily that she agrees with the speaker. For men, it has a stronger meaning such as “I
agree with you” (Turney, Sitler). Minimal responses between sexes can cause miscommunication
between them because they have two different meanings for one another. For the woman it is a sign
that she is listening and to men it means they agree with the person speaking. This can create tension
between the two because men think the woman is agreeing with everything they are saying when really
it is a form of showing they are listening.
Tannen believes men and woman go about asking questions differently. She states that men do
not ask questions because it exposes their ignorance. Because men are all about status, they do not like
lowering themselves and admitting they do not know the answer to something. Women on the other
hand, are very comfortable with asking questions. They do so to establish connection with others.
“Women use intensifiers (e.g., so, such, quite, very, etc.), modifiers, tag questions (e.g., isn’t it?), and
mild expletives. There is a general notion of uncertainty or hesitancy in female speech” (Turney, Sitler).
When woman talk they use language that may make them seem uncertain of what they mean. Men say
what they mean to say more clearly without asking questions. “In studying flight training situations, we
have found that instructor pilots need to make instructional adjustments to meet women’s needs for
more thorough understanding of concepts and maneuvers. Instructor pilots should frequently ask
woman students if they understand a concept or maneuver. The answers will usually be candid, while
male students will nearly always respond that they understand whether or not they indeed understand”
(Turney, Sitler). When a woman does something they seek reassurance to make sure they are doing it
correctly as opposed to men who do things without a clear understanding because they do not like to
ask questions. It is in women’s nature to ask questions while men feel they lose their status if they ask
questions.
Tannen states that conflict is also something that the two sexes handle differently when it
comes to communicating. She says that men usually initiate and are more comfortable with conflict. To
women, conflict is a threat to connection to be avoided at all costs. Tannen states that men are
extremely wary about being told what to do. “Women often try to get their point across by asking many
types of questions: defiant, informational and rhetorical. These questions are designed to present an
opposition or gather data. Men’s contributions to arguments area often simple and direct. They’re so
straightforward, in contrast to women’s questions, that men might not realize that a conflict is
occurring… Men are concerned with being right and less concerned about anyone else’s feelings. This
perceived lack of compassion upsets women” (Sherwood). Women ask questions when they are in an
argument to get their point across. They want to be understood. Men want to be right when they are in
an argument. They are straightforward with the facts and present them to win an argument without
taking the other persons feelings into consideration. Men and women also have different ways of
apologizing. “Women use apologies to try to create or maintain connections. Men, on the other hand,
are concerned with what an apology might do: it might lower them to a subordinate position, a place
where they’ve never wanted to be since boyhood” (Sherwood). Women apologize in order to keep
relationships. Men are less likely to apologize because it hurts their ego. They feel as if they are “one
down” if they apologize and admit they are wrong. Men are more open to conflict but do not like to
apologize. Women do not like conflict and they will apologize in order to maintain connection.
Tannen believes that both men and women need to learn how to adapt the others voice. She
believes that men can learn to speak in a feminine voice and vice versa. Although she does not see it
happening because of men and woman’s ethnocentric tendencies to think it is the other person who
needs fixing. Tannen says, “The answer is for both men and women to try to take each other on their
own terms rather than applying the standards of one group to the behavior of the other…
Understanding style differences for what they are takes the sting out of them.” Tanner believes that if
we just learned to accept the other person as having a different genderlect we would not be so
offended and hurt by the way they communicate.
Some might argue that Tannen’s theory is bias and favors women because it was written by a
female. To that Tannen replies “If my interpretation is correct, then readers, on hearing my explanation,
will exclaim within their heads, “Aha!” Something they have intuitively sensed will be made explicit…
When the subject of analysis is human interaction—a process that we engage in, all our lives—each
reader can measure interpretation against her/his own experience.”Even though “You Just Don’t
Understand” was published over twenty-three years ago, the information is still being used and is up to
date. There is more research done on men-woman communication today then there was in 1990 and it
is clear that men and woman communication is indeed cross-cultural.
Adler, Ronald B., Jeanne Marquardt Elmhorst, and Kristen Lucas. Communicating at Work.
Eleventh Edition. The McGraw-Hill Companies, 2013. 87-88. Print.
Drobnick, Richard. "6 Ways Men & Women Communicate Differently." Psychcentral.com. N.p., 01
2012. Web. 31 Jul 2013.
Dr. LeMon, Cal . ""Men and Women Do Speak A Different Language"." Execenrichment.com.
N.p..
Web. 2 Aug 2013.
Griffin, Em. A First Look At Communication Theory. Seventh Edition. New York, New York :
McGraw-Hill Company, 2008. 429-453. Print.
Langford, Beverly Y.. "Closing the Gender Gap: Communication Styles of Women vs Men."
Womenetics.com. N.p., 01 Feb 2011. Web. 31 Jul 2013.
Lieberman, Simma. "Differences in Male and Female Communication Styles."
simmalieberman.com.
N.p.. Web. 31 July 2013.
Sherwood, Susan, Ph.D. "10 Ways Men and Women Communicate Differently." Discovery.com. N.p..
Web. 31 Jul 2013.
Turney, Mary Ann, and Ruth L. Sitler. "Communication Challenges- Gender Patterns in
Womanpilot.com. N.p., 11 Jul 2012. Web. 31 July 2013.
Talking."