HOW TO DEAL WITH
DIFFICULT PEOPLE
What is a difficult person?
Who is a difficult person?
Our approach
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What is and is not a difficult person
General steps to manage difficult people
Dealing with difficult employees/subordinates
Dealing with a “tough” boss
Dealing with difficult co-workers (no supervisory
authority over them)
Dealing with difficult behaviors
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Exercise
• Let’s do some thinking……How do you define a difficult
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person?
Who is a difficult person in your life (don’t give us names)?
What characteristics/behaviors/attitudes make that person
difficult?
What makes you difficult?
What are your biggest problems in the workplace re: difficult
people?
What are the consequences in the workplace of your difficult
person?
Person or Behavior
“Define the person as a problem and you’re in trouble.
Define it as a behavior and you can do something.”
Ken Cloke, Joan Goldsmith authors of Resolving Conflicts
at Work.
React or Interact
Perhaps we need to change how we interact with difficult
people rather than react to them.
If you can predict it, you can plan for it.
Easier said than done?
What is a difficult person?
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Attitude or behavior detrimentally affects the
organization
Usually aware of behavior
Not someone you simply dislike
Not always their behavior, but your perception of their
behavior.
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What about circumstances?
• What role does your leadership/management style
have in the situation?
• What about your corporate/departmental culture?
• What about other differences like gender,
generational, age, etc.?
Some Difficult People:
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Are different, not difficult
Don’t have a clue
Are stuck in the past
Stuck in emotional kindergarten
Have low self-esteem
Are having a bad _____
Holding onto beliefs
Want too much
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Some Difficult People:
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Are substance abusers
Are mentally ill
Sick and tired
Are malicious (a few)
‘Evil’ (desire to cause harm with no remorse)
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What motivates a difficult person?
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Driven by the need to control their environment
A need to stir things up and push your buttons
Behavior gets what he/she wants without
consequences
Wants validation and wants to be listened to
Doesn’t have boundaries and wants/needs them
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How does a Difficult Person affect an
organization?
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High turnover rate
Decline in productivity
Lowered employee morale
Others?
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Differences between resolving conflict and
managing a Difficult Person
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Resolving conflict is a process to create immediate
results
Managing difficult person is long-term due to time
necessary to change behavior
If you change behavior, thinking usually follows
May not solve all problems – and that’s okay
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Dealing with Difficult People
(3 big myths)
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Myth 1: Difficult people are always opportunistic
Myth 2: Difficult people can’t change
Myth 3: You can always give them the cold shoulder
[Is it okay to call them difficult people? Or should we
say “we can change difficult behaviors”?]
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Everyone’s Options
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Do nothing
Change the person
Change your behavior
Understand the behavior and then decide how to
handle
[Let’s discuss other options in relation to “types.”]
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Steps to Manage a DP
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Assess the situation
Identify the difficult personality type
Address the person (will discuss tactics)
Monitor the person
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Ah, Dilbert
Assess the situation
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Is the person truly difficult? Is it a behavior? Or is it
just the situation that brings out the worst?
What are your hot buttons?
Do you ever push the buttons of others? If so, why?
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Assess the Situation
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How? Determine:
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When behavior began
Exact nature of behavior
Potential reasons
Behavior’s affect on productivity
Assess the Situation
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What role does corporate/department culture play?
What about leadership/management style?
Identify the difficult personality type
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[Not the behavior, per se, but the personality type]
Hostile-aggressive individuals
Withdrawn individuals
Egotistical individuals
Deceitful individuals
Super-Agreeable
Indecisive
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Address the person
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Calm hostile-aggressive individuals
Involve withdrawn individuals
Focus on needs of egotistical individuals
Ask deceitful, super-agreeable and indecisive
individuals probing questions
Might also ask indecisive individuals what his/her
spouse or good friend would do
Other suggestions? [Behaviors are coming up and we
will discuss overall tactics shortly]
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Monitor the person
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Why? Keep track of improvements in behavior
Meet with the person periodically
Check in regularly with the person and comment
favorably on any improvements
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Dealing with Difficult Subordinates/Direct
Reports
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Slackers/Procrastinators
Chronic Complainers
Rebels
Uncivil Subordinates
Intentional troublemakers
Others?
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Slackers
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“I’ll get it done” or “it’s on my list” people
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Strategy: Highlight commitment in such a way that it has to
be taken seriously
Commitment in writing
Select strange deadlines
Make time management a formal part of review
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Chronic Complainers
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Strategy: Don’t fight the trait-point it in the other
direction
Highlight when complaint actually proves productive
Ask for help in area of your choosing
Ask ‘complainer’ to report discrepancies to you
confidentially – not to everybody
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Rebels
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Strategy: Give them the chance to do it ‘their way’
(within reason)
In trade for a little freedom, gain commitment to behave
by the rules in other areas (especially communication)
Don’t dictate how to do it – observe what happens
when you let them do what they want
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Uncivil Subordinates
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Strategy: You must set and maintain appropriate limits in
verbal communication
Praising skills and traits you hope to improve
Setting appropriate personalized goals – informal and in
writing
Maintaining clear limits
Re-assign to different physical area
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Dealing with a Difficult Co-Worker (other
types)
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Chatty neighbor
The slanderer
The “best friend”
The “thief”
The “secret agent”
The “clinger”
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Dealing with a Difficult Co-Worker (other
types)
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Won’t ask for help
Messy desk
Can’t say no
Latecomer/tardy individual
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Building a Relationship with a ‘Tough’ Boss
Focus on Relationship – NOT personality – list what’s
important
Strategies to help a boss who:
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Doesn’t know what to do
Is manipulative
Is emotional and acts out
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Dealing with a Difficult Person
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Change your reaction to them
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Person worth getting upset over?
Destructive behavior?
Truly affecting me or am I letting it get to me?
Can I let person’s behavior go and go on?
Do you have fears in dealing with behaviors?
Are you the only one who struggles?
What are your hot button issues?
What involvement do you have?
Why is this behavior difficult for you?
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Dealing with a Difficult Person
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Understand the other person
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Take a deep breath and really listen…and body language too
Do not argue your position
Repeat back to ensure you understand his/her perspective
Ask questions to clarify anything
Cite specific examples and avoid inclusive statements like
“you always …..”
Pay attention to your words….
Make specific note of the change you want and the
consequences
Note the behavior, not the person
Request feedback
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Dealing with a Difficult Person
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Influence his/her attitude
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State specifically (non-confrontational) how behavior has
affected you – Use “I” “You” statements
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Do not place blame or fault
Focus on preventing the problem from recurring in the future
Keep your cool
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Dealing with a Difficult Person
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Act instead of react (do you know it’s coming)
Maintain your boundaries
Don’t fall into negativity trap (allow venting for a
specific time)
Is it personal and are you taking it that way?
Don’t necessarily agree and don’t stay silent
Solve the problem (even cut them off)
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Dealing with a Difficult Person
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Resolve the problem
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Discuss the cause and effect of the problem behavior and ways
to deal with it
Ask questions to get information
Remember, you can’t change personalities, only your reaction
Are there others in the office who might reach out?
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Dealing with a Difficult Person
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Recover and go on
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Once problem is addressed, don’t hold a grudge
Don’t mention it again; move on
Dwelling on it only causes you stress and frustration
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What else can we do?
• Questions, comments?