"A Question That I Don't Know the Answer To"
As I sit here thinking, the sadness begins to pour upon me. I'd just broken up with my
boyfriend of three years. Not only was he my boyfriend of three years, but he was the love of my
life. Well that's what I thought, at least. Usually when I'm sad I tend to shut people out. This time
there was nothing different. I’m sitting here hoping that my dad doesn’t come home anytime
soon. It’s already pass time for him to come so I know he will be pulling up soon. I didn’t want
him to see me like this though. I was in my room with my door closed crying my eyes out,
isolated from the world. At this point I felt like the only thing that could do me justice was
music, because I wasn't going to leave out of my room and I wasn't going to talk to anyone who
tried to come in contact with me. So I turned on Pandora. There are always so many options to
choose from when on Pandora, but I knew exactly what station I wanted to listen to, probably
because I listened to it so much. It was the R&B Love songs station. As I clicked on the station
the first song that comes on is ‘'Heart Attack'', by Trey Songz. When I actually took the time and
saw what song it was I had already known what I was getting myself into. Sitting here in the
position that I'm in, listening to the lyrics of the song it all just all seems so real right now. It's so
real that it's starting to feel unbearable. Trey mentions, how he never knew how bad love could
actually hurt. He also mentions that it's the worst pain that he's ever felt before in his entire life.
As I'm sitting here its taking a toll on me because what the lyrics of the song is saying is exactly
how I'm feeling at the moment. It's so hard trying to cope with the loss of someone no matter the
situation is I think to myself. In Trey's case it's his girlfriend, but in my case it's Jordan. I realized
that the song was a coincidence to my situation because literally everything that was sung from
Trey's voice went hand in hand with my heartbreak. I try to tell myself that it's something that
everyone will experience, and not everyone handles the upsetting in the same way. "Heart
Attack" comes to an end, and I turn Pandora off.
Listening to "Heart Attack" didn't make me feel any better. So I then thought about
YouTube. I like YouTube a whole lot more because I get to choose what song I want to listen to
rather than the station picking a song like on Pandora. The next song on the list was
"Resentment'', by Beyoncé. I chose to listen to "Resentment" because it's always been my go to
song whenever Jordan and I have a problem. Listening to resentment so many times after all of
our breakup troubles made it my favorite song. Even though resentment isn't one of those songs
that should be anyone's favorite because of what it's about, it was mine. To really understand the
song you have to be in the position that Beyoncé is in. You have to fully relate to the song to
understand and feel what is supposed to felt. I put my beat headphones on, and I was in my own
world lost into the music looking at old pictures and text messages from Jordan and me.
Resentment made me feel like the emotions were too much to handle. Still here in the same
position I started in I felt as though listening to my favorite song would make things better, but
when it came down to it, it made me feel more worse than ever. The tears began to fall again. I
soon found myself buried in tears, and the sad thing is that they weren't tears of joy. That's the
moment I realized I wasn't like everyone else when it comes to music.
From that moment after listening to those two songs I came up with the conclusion that I
was different from everyone else. My best friend listens to music while she is depressed to help
her get over whatever it is, and to make herself feel better. But that wasn't the case for me. I
utilized music as a way to make things worse, and it wasn't intentionally. It made me realize;
when I listen to music it just makes me even sadder, and it doesn't solve anything. It doesn't
make me feel good but yet I still do it. As to why I still do it, that is a question I'm trying to find
the answer to myself. I guess you can say that everyone utilize music differently. Even though I
know that a song or a certain type of music may make me feel sad or in more emotional pain
then I already feel, I still continue to listen to it. In my opinion, music evokes emotion in people,
and the only emotion that I feel right now is sadness.