Two Churches, One Marriage
Lee Williams, PhD
University of San Diego
Introduction
• Program reflects my professional
background:
• Educator - family therapy training program
• Researcher - marriage preparation and
interchurch couples
• Clinician - working primarily with couples
The Basics - Why
• A large percentage of couples getting
married are interchurch (40% or more)
• Couples from different religious
backgrounds are at higher risk for divorce.
• Interchurch couples as a rule have received
little attention despite their numbers and
higher risk.
The Basics - Who
• Program targets interchurch couples
• Interfaith couples may also benefit
• Same-church couples with religious
differences may also benefit
• Engaged and newly married couples will
likely benefit most
The Basics - What
• The program covers the rewards and
challenges of being in an interchurch
relationship, as well as strategies for dealing
with the challenges.
• The program is divided into eight units that
focus on issues that interchurch often face
The Basics - What
• Communication skills
• Problem-solving skills
• Managing religious differences
• Exploring values around marriage
• Building a religious & spiritual bond
• Changing religious affiliation
• Religious upbringing of children
• Finding support and acceptance
The Basics - What
• Each unit is built around the IDEA model:
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Introduction
Discovery
Education
Application
• Program philosophy
• Process oriented
• Each couple must find their own solutions
The Basics - How
• The program is available in two formats:
• Free, web-based program
(www.sandiego.edu/interchurch)
• Teach-out-of-the-box version suitable for
group workshop
The Basics - How
• Recruiting couples
• Marriage preparation events (e.g., Pre Cana)
• Referrals through churches
• Marriage education websites
• Eligibility
• Interfaith?
• Distressed couples?
The Basics - How
• Flexible format since each unit is selfcontained
• Sequence is flexible, although it is
recommended to begin with communication
and problem-solving units
• Overall length approximately 4 hours
Communication Skills Unit
• Communication skills can facilitate an exploration
of issues that interchurch couples may face.
• Discovery - Individuals take an inventory to
assess their relationship communication skills:
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Ability to share thoughts and feelings?
Individuals misinterpret each other?
Ability to share vulnerable emotions?
Ability to listen?
Feel attacked?
Communication: Speaker Skills
• Use “I” statements
• Focus on behavior rather than character
when complaining
• Share deeper (vulnerable) emotions
Communication: Listening Skills
• Listen - be curious
• Use active listening skills to confirm
understanding:
• Tape recorder method
• Paraphrasing method
• Empathic method
Communication: Listening Skills
• Look for cues the speaker does not feel understood
• Don’t confuse active listening with agreement
• Let partner know you are listening
• Assume a neutral or positive intent
Communication: Conflict
• Recognize when flooding occurs
• Fight/fight pattern
• Flight/flight pattern
• Fight/flight pattern
• Take a time out when flooding occurs
• Slow down and use skills when addressing
conflict
Communication: Application
• Exercise One - Practice communication
skills while discussing an issue
• Exercise Two - Identify couple pattern
around flooding
• Exercise Three - Negotiate how to take a
time out
Problem-Solving Skills Unit
• Problem-solving skills can help couples resolve
the issues (religious or otherwise) that may arise.
• Discovery - Couples take an inventory to assess
their problem-solving skills:
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Mutual understanding of what is important to each
Couple’s ability to come up with creative solutions
Couple’s ability to compromise
Couple’s ability to carry through on decisions made by
the couple
Step One - Define the Problem
• Need to specify what is the problem
• Need to decide how narrowly or broadly
to define what is the problem
Step Two - Identify the
Underlying Needs
• Couples can have conflict over what is the
best solution to the problem
• Identifying underlying needs can help the
couple get unstuck
• Identifying needs may make it easier to
find common ground and alternative
solutions
Step Three - Brainstorming
• Identify as many solutions as possible
• Be creative - “think outside the box”
• Don’t critique ideas yet
• Don’t stop brainstorming too quickly
Step Four - Evaluate the Ideas
• Evaluate the merit of ideas after
brainstorming
• Some unconventional ideas can be
modified into more realistic solutions
• Look for solutions that offer a win-win for
both parties, which often requires
compromise
Step Five - Implement the
Solution
• Discuss the specifics of how to implement
the solution
• Each person should describe what he or
she will do to implement the solution
• Decide how long to try the idea
Step Six - Evaluate the Success
of the Solution
• Evaluate if the problem has been
successfully resolved. Are both satisfied
with the solution?
• If not, consider trying an alternative
solution.
• May need to revisit earlier steps in
identifying an alternative solution.
Problem-Solving Skills Unit
• Application - Couples are given the
opportunity to practice the skills on a
problem
Managing Religious Differences
• This unit provides strategies for dealing with
religious differences, as well as exploring how
they may be an asset for a couple.
• Discovery - Couple completes inventory on
religious differences:
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Church teachings
What it means to be saved
Importance of attending church
Religious practices
Importance of Bible
Importance of prayer
Two Common Myths
• Only interchurch couples have important
religious differences
• Reality: All couples can have religious
differences
• Religious differences are problematic
• Reality: Differences can enrich or divide
Do’s and Don’ts
• Don’t take a deficit view of differences
• Don’t focus just on differences, but also look for
commonalities
• Do all you can to learn about your partner’s
religious faith (e.g., attend partner’s church, read
and discuss materials)
Benefits to Exploration
• Exploration can lead to the discovery of
similarities and commonalities
• Exploration can challenge individuals to
grow spiritually
• Can become more tolerant and accepting of
other religious traditions
Do’s and Don’ts
• Don’t put other churches down
• Do put the problem in proper contextinterchurch couples reflect a broader
division in Christianity
• Don’t overlook possible strong connections
between family and religious traditions
Troubleshooting Conflict
• SLOW DOWN - Use
communication and
problem-solving skills
• Be curious
• Is the conflict over a “difference that will
make a difference?”
• Is conflict a symptom of deeper issues?
Religious Differences: Application
• Exercise One - Have individuals identify
the five most important religious or spiritual
beliefs they have in common with their
partners.
• Exercise Two - Couple discusses how they
can learn more about each other’s religious
or spiritual life.
Meaning of Marriage
• This unit help couples explore their values around
marriage to assess how compatible they are.
• Discovery - Couples reflect upon the following:
• How do they define marriage?
• What role should God play in the marriage?
• What messages have they received about
marriage from church, family, peers, and
society?
Meaning of Marriage
• The unit discusses how the 4 C’s can
shape values regarding marriage.
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Church
Childhood/Family of Origin
Circle of Friends
Culture
Topics to Explore
• Role of God in the relationship
• How important is God to each of you
individually?
• Is marriage viewed as secular or religious?
• What role will God have in the relationship?
• Will you pray together as a couple?
• What spiritual values will guide you when your
marriage faces challenges?
Topics to Explore (continued)
• Divorce and commitment
• Under what circumstances is divorce
acceptable?
• If you divorce, is remarriage acceptable?
• What will you do if you encounter difficulties
in your marriage?
Topics to Explore (continued)
• Gender Roles
• Traditional or egalitarian?
• How will roles change with arrival of children?
• Children and religion
• What will be religious upbringing of children?
• What role will God play in family life?
• What core values or teachings do you want
your children to have?
Topics to Explore (continued)
• Family planning/contraception
• What approaches to family planning are
acceptable or unacceptable?
• What will you do if there is an unexpected
pregnancy?
• What are each of your views on abortion?
Meaning of Marriage
• The unit also helps couples explore their
compatibility with regards to these values:
• Step One - Know yourself
• Step Two - Critically examine your own beliefs
• Step Three - Know your partner
• Step Four - Map areas of similarities and
differences
• Step Five - Assess overall compatibility
Meaning of Marriage: Application
• Exercise One - Explore and assess
compatibility of values around marriage
using five-step process.
• Exercise Two - Write down vows that
reflect values around marriage.
Joint Religious/Spiritual Life
• This unit discusses the value of building a
religious and spiritual bond, as well as strategies
for strengthening this bond
• Building a joint religious and spiritual life was a
protective factor against divorce.
• Discovery - Couples take an inventory to assess
the level of joint religious activities.
Religion and Spirituality
• Religion is an external institution with church
communities, rituals, traditions, and doctrines.
• Spirituality refers to an individual’s personal faith,
beliefs, and relationship to God.
• Religion and spirituality can strengthen one
another, or be separate.
Developing a Joint Religious Life
• Attend church together
• Do service/volunteer activities together
• Attend Bible studies or religious education classes
• Attend church-sponsored social activities together
Attending Church Together
• Both remain active in their own churches, but also
regularly attend their partner’s church.
• Alternate every other week which church they
attend.
• Partners remain active in their own churches, and
will occasionally visit the other partner’s church.
• Select one church to attend, with one or both
changing affiliation.
Addressing Barriers
• Individuals may feel uncomfortable with another
church due to unfamiliarity or negative
preconceptions.
• Individuals may fear that others will try to convert
them.
• Catholics: Does attending another church meet
my Sunday obligation?
• Issues around communion.
Advantages of Joint Attendance
• Strengthens religious and spiritual bond.
• May help couple discover more commonalities.
• Get a different perspective, which may enrich
one’s spiritual life.
• Two possible sources of support.
Developing a Joint Spiritual Life
• Pray together
• Study the Bible together
• Read and discuss other religious or spiritual books
together
• Discuss your personal faith with one another.
Joint Religious/Spiritual Life
• Application - Couple identifies one way to
strengthen their religious/spiritual bond.
Religious Affiliation
• A large percentage (43.8%) of interchurch
couples became same church through one or
both partners changing affiliation.
• The unit explores the issues of whether or
not interchurch individuals should change
religious affiliation.
Religious Affiliation - Discovery
• On a 1 -10 scale, what is the strength of your
denominational affiliation? Your partner’s?
• What religious belief, practice, or tradition….
• do you cherish most in your church?
• does your partner cherish most in his or her church?
• do you find most appealing in your partner’s church?
Religious Affiliation
• Reasons given for changing:
• Preferred partner’s denomination
• Wanted to worship together as a family
• Stronger unity
• Prevent confusion of children
• Keep peace in the relationship or extended
family
Religious Affiliation
• Reasons given for not changing:
• Don’t accept beliefs of partner’s denomination
• Value current church traditions
• Change would result in loss of identity
• Change would result in negative family reaction
Religious Affiliation - Application
• Individuals complete worksheet where they
rate the importance of various factors for
against changing religious affiliation.
• Individuals share their answers with their
partners.
Religious Upbringing of
Children
• This unit explores various approaches for the
religious upbringing of children.
• Discovery - Couple reflects and shares their
answers to following questions:
• Benefits and risks to raising children in one church
• Benefits and risks to raising children in two churches
• Where and when do you anticipate baptizing your
children?
Religion and the Children
• Important to begin this discussion early
• Can be one of the most difficult challenges for
interchurch couples
• There are several different approaches that the
couple could take
• There is no right or wrong answer
One Tradition, One Church
• Everyone in family goes to one church
• One partner typically changes religious affiliation
• In some cases, both partners change religious
affiliation, or one partner becomes active in the
church but does not officially change affiliation.
Pros and Cons
• Easier for couple/family to worship together
• Some feel this approach is less likely to confuse
children
• Both partner’s may be unwilling to change
religious affiliation
• Those who change affiliation may experience
problems with extended family
Different Traditions, One Church
• Each parent remains active in his or her
own church.
• Children, however, are raised in only one
church.
• Usually children are raised in the church of
the more devout parent.
Pros and Cons
• Each parent can remain active in his or her own
church
• Some feel this approach is less likely to confuse
children
• One parent may feel excluded from religious
training of children.
• Parents cannot share equal responsibility.
Different Traditions, Different
Churches
• Both parents remain active in their own church.
• Each child is raised exclusively in one church,
but not all children go to the same church
• Examples:
• Boys (Lutheran), Girls (Catholic).
• Remarried families
Different Traditions, Raised in
Both Churches
• Each parent remains active in his or her own
church.
• The children are raised or exposed to both
religious traditions.
• Concept of “Double Belonging.”
Pros and Cons
• Parents remain active in their own church or
denomination.
• Children are exposed to different perspectives,
which some believe forces them to more closely
examine their beliefs.
• Children might learn greater religious tolerance.
Pros and Cons
• Challenge of respectfully articulating your
beliefs to a child, without putting down your
partner’s beliefs.
• Time and financial resources of raising children
in two churches.
Other Approaches
• As a child grows older, some parents may allow a
child to choose which church to attend.
• Only one parent is religiously active, and raises
children in that church.
• Some couples provide their child little or no
religious upbringing (perhaps as a way to avoid
conflict).
Children - Application
• What are the most important beliefs you want passed on to
your children?
• What do you think is the best plan regarding the religious
upbringing of your children?
• What factors are most important to you in recommending
this plan?
• What factors might lead you to change your mind?
• Who will have the greatest difficulty with this plan if
adopted?
Finding Support & Acceptance
• This unit explores the challenges that some
interchurch couples face in finding support and
acceptance from others (e.g., family, church)
• Discovery - Reflection questions:
• How have you experienced lack of acceptance?
• How have you received support?
• Who in your family is most concerned about your
interchurch relationship? Why?
• Who in your family is most supportive about your
interchurch relationship? Why?
Parents and Acceptance
• Parents may show lack of acceptance
several different ways.
• Negative comments about partner, partner’s
church, or marriage.
• May question whether partner is saved.
• Refusal to attend or participate in worship
service
• Refusal to participate in wedding
Parents and Acceptance
• Possible reasons for non-acceptance:
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Negative perception of other denomination.
Fear child will become less active.
Fear that child will change affiliation.
Fear they have done a poor job as parents.
Fear child will have problems in the marriage
Change seen as act of disloyalty.
Parents and Acceptance
• Many parents are supportive, or are
indifferent to the issue.
• Many parents who have difficulty with
interchurch relationship eventually grow to
accept it.
• Siblings can pave the way for greater
acceptance.
Acceptance Within Churches
• Interchurch couples can experience lack of
acceptance in churches:
• Some clergy may not participate in a religious
ceremony.
• Individuals may experience pressure to change.
• Being excluded from church activities.
• Failure to acknowledge interchurch couples
exist or have special needs.
Dealing with Lack of Acceptance
• Focus less on what other’s think and more
on what you think is right.
• Don’t personalize criticism.
• Seek to discover what is behind the lack of
acceptance.
• May need to gently confront and educate
others.
• Seek support from others.
Acceptance - Application
• Exercise One - Have couple discuss one or
two areas where they experience a lack of
acceptance, and how to handle it.
• Exercise Two - Have couple discuss joining
(or even starting) a group for interchurch
couples.
Additional Resources
• Mental health referrals
• Additional resources on communication
skills programs and premarital inventories
• Evaluation form
• Resources on various denominations
• Resources on prayer books for couples
• Additional books and websites for
interchurch couples
Pilot Study Results of Providers
• 86% thought the program would be either
extremely helpful or very helpful to interchurch
couples.
• 86% said they would either definitely or probably
recommend the program to interchurch couples.
• Those who frequently worked with interchurch
couples were more favorable than those who
occasionally or seldom worked with them.
Pilot Study Results of Providers
% who rated unit as extremely or very helpful:
• Communication skills - 76%
• Problem-solving skills - 89%
• Managing religious differences - 86%
• Exploring values around marriage - 74%
• Building a religious & spiritual bond - 79%
• Changing religious affiliation - 86%
• Religious upbringing of children - 84%
• Finding support and acceptance - 72%
Contact Information
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Lee Williams
School of Leadership & Education Sciences
University of San Diego
5998 Alcala Park
San Diego, CA 92110-2492
• williams@sandiego.edu
• 619-260-6889