Revising Practice #1
Lauren’s English teacher has asked her students to write a report about a person they admire.
Lauren has chosen to write about Michael Dell, the founder of a large computer company. As
part of a peer-editing conference, you have been asked to read Lauren’s draft and to think
about the corrections and improvements she should make. When you finish reading the report,
answer the questions that follow.
A Modern-Day Legend
(1) Born in Houston, Texas, Michael Dell is an entrepreneur who launched a computer
revolution. (2) His journey began in his college dorm. (3) He became the owner of a megawatt
computer company. (4) Dell became an important legend.
(5) When Dell was eight years old, his parents had to discourage him from applying for
his high school equivalency diploma, or GED. (6) Both of his parents were very successful in
their careers. (7) Just four years later the boy obtained a special license and conducted a
nationwide mail-order stamp auction that earned a net profit of $2,000. (8) By the age of 13,
the young entrepreneur was experiencing success in the stock market.
(9) His passion for computers became apparent when he received his first computer at
the age of 15. (10) Fascinated by it, the teenager spent as much time taking the computer
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apart as he did using it. (11) In 1983, Dell entered the University of Texas at Austin, his interest
in computers led him to notice something that would change his life forever. (12) The computer
dealers around town had more personal computers in stock than they could sell. (13) Dell
arranged to buy some of their surplus computers. (14) He soon had a huge assortment of
computers
(15) During his spare time, Dell added features to each machine. (16) He then put
advertisements in local newspapers offering these computers for sale at discounted prices.
(17) By the spring of 1984, the college freshman was selling nearly $50,000 in computers a
month! (18) Dell decided to quit school. (19) He formed the Dell Corporation in May 1985.
(20) Developing and selling its own brand of computer, the company experienced a lot
of good things. (21) Many people believe that the corporation’s achievements can be attributed
to its elimination of the middleman. (22) The company made the computers, sold them directly
to customers, and serviced the machines when problems occurred, unlike many computer
stores at the time.
(23) No one could have predicted the success of his company. (24) In 1985 Dell
Computer’s sales totaled $6 million. (25) As its stock prices skyrocketed, the company became
an internationally renowned giant in the computer business. (26) Although the high-tech
industry has suffered some setbacks recently, most experts agree that the computer revolution
is far from over.
(27) There is little doubt that Dell and his company are still on the cutting edge of the
computer business.
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1. Which is the best way to combine sentences 2 and 3 to improve the essay’s logical
progression as well as to help include a variety of sentences?
A. As an owner of a megawatt computer company, he began his journey in his college
dorm room which led him to become an owner of a successful company.
B. He began his journey in his college dorm; therefore, he became the owner of a
megawatt computer company.
C. His journey, which began in his dorm room in college, led him to become the owner of a
megawatt computer company.
D. His journey ended in his college dorm room when he decided he would become the
owner of a computer company.
2. Lauren wants sentence 4 to more accurately convey the thesis of her essay. Which of the
following could best replace this sentence to best accomplish this goal?
A. This essay will be about how Dell is a very well-known individual who is known for his
computer corporation.
B. Even though Dell is from Texas, he has experienced success nationwide which makes
him well-known.
C. As a legend, Dell is known throughout the world because he is a modern-day legend
who loves computers.
D. Because of his ingenuity and determination, Dell became an inspirational model for
success among the computer industry.
3. Which of the following would be the best topic sentence to insert at the beginning of
paragraph 2 (sentences 5 - 8) to strengthen the ideas and coherence of the paragraph?
A. Dell’s mom was a stock broker and his father was an orthodontist.
B. Dell is a native Texan who enjoyed the hot summers and cool winters.
C. Dell showed early signs of ambition and an interest in business.
D. Dell landed a job washing dishes at a Chinese restaurant at the age 12
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4. Sentence 10 is unclear because it contains an indefinite reference. The writer can clarify
the meaning of this sentence by changing it to A. his ambition
B. the machine
C. his passion
D. the University of Austin
5. Sentences 18 and 19 are choppy and ineffective. What is the best way to revise these
sentences?
A. After deciding to quit school in May of 1985, the Dell Computer Corporation was formed.
B. After deciding to quit school, he formed the Dell Computer Corporation in May of 1985.
C. The Dell Computer Corporation was formed in May 1985 because Dell decided to quit
school.
D. In May 1985, the Dell Computer Corporation was formed after school was quit by Dell.
6. Sentence 20 includes a vague word choice. Which of the following could best replace “a lot
of good things” to improve the meaning of the sentence?
A. phenomenal success
B. an economic crisis
C. a disappointing future
D. an unstable achievement
7. Lauren would like to strengthen the ideas in paragraph 6 (lines 23-26) by adding specific
details. Which of the following sentences could be added after sentence 25 to accomplish this
goal?
A. Dell wanted to emphasize on strong customer support and cheap prices.
B. The Dell Corporation took many years to reach success.
C. By the year 2000, Dell Computer had recorded $25 billion in sales.
D. Dell’s company eventually earned a lot of money.
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8. Lauren would like to improve the organization in her essay. Which of the following
sentences could be removed to help improve the flow of the essay?
A. Sentence 6
B. Sentence 7
C. Sentence 13
D. Sentence 22
9. The writer wants to provide a better closing for her paper. Which of the following could best
be added after sentence 27 to restate the message of this essay?
A. The Dell Corporation will continue to be a leader among other computer businesses in
the world.
B. His innovation and ambition will continue to brand Dell a modern-day legend among this
industry.
C. Eliminating the middle man may prove to be the answer for many other computer
corporations that are struggling.
D. At the age of 27, Dell became the Chief Executive Officer of a Fortune 500 Company,
the Dell Corporation.
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Answer Key Revising Practice #1
Genre: Expository
Question
Answer
TEKS
R/S
Concepts
1
C
13C
R
Sentence Variety
2
D
15A
S
Thesis Statement
3
C
15A
S
Topic Sentence
4
B
13C
R
Unclear antecedent
5
B
13C
R
Sentence Variety
6
A
13C
R
Word Choice
7
C
15A
S
Supporting Details
8
A
15A
S
Organization
9
B
15A
S
Conclusion
Page 6
Revision Practice #2
Roberto wrote this paper about something he thinks is very important. Read Roberto’s paper
and look for the corrections and improvements he should make. When you finish reading,
answer the questions that follow.
Everyday Heroes
(1) “This patient is crashing! (2) Get me two units of O negative! (3) Stat!” (4) An
anxious doctor barks out the orders that could save a patient’s life. (5) A blood transmission is
needed. (6) You’ve probably watched scenes like this in TV shows or movies. (7) But have you
ever thought about how you can help save lives in situations like these?
(8) According to the American Red Cross, someone in the United States needs blood
every two seconds. (9) People need transfusions for a wide variety of reasons. (10) There are
patients who have been burned, been in accidents, or lost blood during surgery. (11) Also,
whenever there is a devastating event, the need for blood can become even more critical, such
as the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001.
(12) Donating blood is something that almost any adult can do. (13) The main
requirements are that the donor be at least 17 years old, weigh at least 110 pounds, and be in
good health. (14) The process usually requires less than an hour of the donor’s time. (15) Most
people say that it is almost painless.
(15) If you choose to donate blood, you will be asked to report to a donation site, where
you’ll read about blood donation and fill out a form. (16) The information you provide will be
confidential. (17) Then a doctor or a medical technician will give you a quick physical exam
and ask you some important questions about your health. (18) No one else will be told your
answers to these questions. (19) However, the information is necessary to make sure that you
don’t have HIV or any other serious diseases that can be passed to a recipient through your
blood.
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(20) After the interview you’ll sit in an armchair made specifically for people who are
donating blood. (21) You’ll feel a little jab in your arm, and then you’ll see it rushing down a
clear tube into a plastic bag. (22) You’ll be surprised at how fast the bag will fill up! (23) The
technician will remove the needle and tell you to stand up. (24) After a few more minutes, you’ll
walk proudly out the door, aware that you have just given what could be a lifesaving gift for
someone. (25) You’ve just become an everyday hero!
1. Roberto wants to increase the intensity created in his introduction. Which of the following
would be the BEST way to rewrite sentence 5 to accomplish this goal?
A. The blood that the patient is losing needs to be replaced as soon as possible.
B. The patient is losing a massive amount of blood and is in desperate need of a
transfusion.
C. The anxious doctor realizes that a blood transfusion is needed when he notices the
blood loss.
D. You may know someone who has needed a blood transfusion in the past.
2. What is the most effective way to revise sentence 11?
A. Also, whenever there is a devastating event, the need for blood can become even more
critical, this happened with the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001.
B. Also, there is a devastating event and the need for blood can become even more critical
whenever there are terrorist attacks, such as on September 11, 2001.
C. Also, whenever there is a devastating event, the need for blood can become even more
critical than the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001.
D. Also, whenever there is a devastating event, such as the terrorist attacks on September
11, 2001, the need for blood can become even more critical.
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3. Roberto would like to add a transition to connect the paragraphs 2 and 3 more effectively.
Which transition should be added to the beginning of sentence 12?
A. Fortunately,
B. As an example,
C. On the contrary,
D. In fact,
4. Roberto would like to combine the ideas in sentences 14 and 15. Which is the best way to
combine these sentences?
A. Although the process requires less than an hour of the donor’s time, most people say
that it is almost painless.
B. The process usually requires less than an hour of the donor’s time, yet most people say
that it is almost painless.
C. The process usually requires less than an hour of the donor’s time, and most people
say that it is almost painless.
D. Most people say the process that usually requires less than an hour of the donor’s time
is almost painless.
5. The meaning of sentence 21 can be improved by changing it to —
A. them
B. some
C. your arm
D. your blood
6. The writer would like to strengthen the ideas in paragraph 4 (sentences 20-25) by adding
additional details. He wants to add the following sentence:
You may feel a little woozy, but after some juice and cookies, you’ll probably feel fine.
The statement above can be inserted after what sentence ?
A. Sentence 21
B. Sentence 22
C. Sentence 23
D. Sentence 24
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Answer Key Revising Practice #2
Genre: Expository
Question
Answer
TEKS
R/S
Concepts
1
B
15A
S
Effective Introductions
2
D
13C
R
Sentence Variety
3
A
15A
S
Transitions
4
C
13C
R
Sentence Variety
5
D
13C
R
Unclear Antecedent
6
C
15A
S
Supporting Details
Page 10
Revising Practice #3
Alonso’s English teacher asked each of her students to write a report about an admirable
person. Alonso wrote this report about a famous neurosurgeon. He would like you to read his
paper and think about the corrections and improvements he should make. When you finish
reading, answer the questions that follow.
Striving for Greatness
(1) Dr. Benjamin Carson is the director of pediatric neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins
Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland. (2) He is renowned for his expertise in separating conjoined
twins. (3) He has also refined some brain surgery techniques that control seizures. (4) His list
of accomplishments and honors is long. (5) You might be surprised to learn what Carson’s
childhood was like.
(6) Carson was born in 1951 in Detroit, Michigan. (7) Today about one million people
live in Detroit. (8) When he was only eight, his father left the family, and his parents
Page 11
subsequently divorced. (9) His mother had only a third grade education and worked long hours
as a maid to support her two sons. (10) The family lived in poverty.
(11) Carson went to school, but he was not a good student. (12) He called himself the
dumbest kid in the class. (13) The other children frequently teased him. (14) Carson’s mother
knew that it was the answer for her children, education. (15) She made Carson and his brother
limit their television viewing to two programs a week. (16) Each week they were also required
to read two books and submit a written report to her on each one. (17) Years later Carson
learned that his mother had never even been able to read the reports.
(18) Eventually Carson’s life began to improve. (19) In fifth grade he visited an eye
doctor and was fitted for glasses. (20) For the first time since he had started school, he could
see the chalkboard. (21) He was thrilled to watch his grades go from Fs to Ds. (22) But his
mother continued to insist, “You can do better than that.”
(23) As time went on, Carson rose to the head of his class, won the respect of others,
and started to recognize his own abilities. (24) He became an avid reader, and this offered him
new possibilities. (25) He started to believe in his future. (26) He became determined to
achieve his potential.
(27) Today Carson is an unquestionably gifted neurosurgeon. (28) He is also a
motivational speaker. (29) He encourages people of all backgrounds. (30) He reminds his
audiences that education is the key to success and that children need to reach for excellence.
(31) Although his early days were quite challenging, Ben Carson overcame the obstacles in his
path and is now making a profound impact on the world.
ON
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1. Alonso would like to improve his thesis in sentence 5. Which of the following would be the
best revision would reinforce the writer’s message in this essay?
A. Because of his great achievements as an adult, it is surprising to learn that Carson
overcame many obstacles during his childhood.
B. Carson had many successes but also many accomplishments, and it is surprising to
learn what Carson’s childhood was like.
C. This report will discuss the surprising childhood Carson had and the many problems he
encountered at a young age.
D. Carson had many achievements because he had a childhood with many problems to
overcome.
2. What is the most effective way to improve the organization of the second paragraph
(sentences 6–10)?
A. Switch sentences 6 and 8
B. Delete sentence 7
C. Move sentence 7 to the end of the paragraph
D. Delete sentence 10
3. Which transition word or phrase should be added to the beginning of sentence 12?
A. In fact,
B. However,
C. Coincidentally,
D. Finally,
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4. What is the most effective way to revise sentence 14?
A. Carson’s mother knew the answer for her children, it was education.
B. Carson’s mother knew. That education was the answer for her children.
C. Carson’s mother knew that education was the answer for her children.
D. Carson’s mother knew what the answer was for her children and that it was education.
5. Alonso wants to avoid short and choppy sentences. What is the best way to combine
sentences 25 and 26?
A. When he started to believe in his own future is when he was determined to achieve his
potential.
B. Believing in his future, he also became determined to achieve his potential in his future.
C. Since he became determined to achieve his potential, he has started to believe in his
future.
D. He started to believe in his future, and this made him determined to achieve his
potential.
6. What is the most effective way to combine sentences 28 and 29?
A. He is also a motivational speaker when he encourages people of all backgrounds.
B. He is also a motivational speaker who encourages people of all backgrounds.
C. He is also a motivational speaker, and he also encourages people of all backgrounds.
D. When he is also a motivational speaker, he is also encouraging people of all
backgrounds.
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Answer Key Revising Practice #3
Genre: Expository
Question
Answer
TEKS
R/S
Concepts
1
A
15A
S
Thesis Revision
2
B
15A
S
Organization
3
A
15A
S
Transition
4
C
13C
R
Sentence Clarity
5
D
13C
R
Sentence Variety
6
B
13C
R
Sentence Variety
Page 15
Revising Practice # 4
In this paper Norma writes about a modern-day human tragedy. She would like you to read her
paper and make suggestions for corrections and improvements. When you finish reading,
answer the questions that follow.
The Madan: A Fading Way of Life
(1) An animal species is classified as endangered when most of its kind disappears.
(2) The disappearance of a species is often the result of environmental changes that cause a
loss of natural habitat. (3) In modern-day Iraq, a group of people are facing this same type of
destruction. (4) The ancient civilization of the Madan is endangered.
(5) For some 5,000 years, the Madan, or Marsh Arabs, have lived in the vast wetland
where the Tigris and Euphrates rivers split. (6) This historic region is sometimes called the
Fertile Crescent or the Cradle of Civilization. (7) There, on 8,000 square miles of channels and
lakes, from thick beds of marsh reeds, the Madan constructed islands. (8) They then used
reeds to build dome-shaped huts on their tiny islands. (9) For centuries the Madan flourished.
(10) They hunted and fished; they traveled down the waterways in long carved boats.
(11) More recent events, however, have negatively impacted the Madan way of life.
(12) After the Persian Gulf War in 1991, Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein ordered a new river dug
between the Tigris and the Euphrates. (13) He also initiated additional efforts that would
eventually drain the marshes.
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(14) For the Madan and the marsh environment, this project was a tragedy. (15) At one
time, nearly half a million people lived on the marshes. (16) Today there are just 10,000 to
20,000 residents. (17) What was once a world filled with blue lagoons, rice paddies, otters, and
waterfowl has become a cracked, salty desert. (18) Lakes have shrunk to shallow ponds, and
sandstorms are blowing away the topsoil. (19) According to the United Nations Environmental
Program, about 90 percent of the marshlands are now dry. (20) As the climate changes, new
plant and animal species are replacing the old.
(21) Are the Madan and their marshes doomed? (22) Many people say no.
(23) Scientists from various world agencies are discussing ways to flood the region and restore
the marshlands. (24) Baghdad is Iraq’s largest city and is also its capital. (25) Baroness Emma
Nicholson, a British politician and a delegate to the World Health Organization, heads a
foundation seeking aid for the marshes.
(26) Nicholson sums up the urgent situation by stating, “If the marshlands are not
restored, then the marsh people will fade into history, and our generation will be responsible
for the deliberate extinction of one of the oldest races in the world.”
1. What is the most effective way to revise sentence 7 to improve its clarity?
A. There, on 8,000 square miles of channels and lakes, from thick beds of marsh reeds.
The Madan constructed islands.
B. There, it is on 8,000 square miles of channels and lakes that the Madan constructed
islands. They were from from thick beds of marsh reeds.
C. There, on 8,000 square miles of channels and lakes, the Madan constructed islands
from thick beds of marsh reeds.
D. There, on 8,000 square miles of channels and lakes, the Madan constructed islands;
they used thick beds of marsh reeds.
Page 17
2. What is the most effective way to rewrite sentence 10 to convey a more logical connection
of ideas?
A. They hunted, and they fished, and they traveled down the waterways in long carved
boats.
B. They hunted and fished. They were traveling down the waterways in long carved boats.
C. Long carved boats traveled down the waterways, and they hunted and fished.
D. Traveling down the waterways in long carved boats, they hunted and fished.
3. Norma is trying to add relevant details to help support the ideas in paragraph 3 (11-13).
Which sentence would best follow sentence 13 in this paragraph?
A. This new river would pull essential water flow from the marshes.
B. These efforts included ordering dikes and dams to be built in this region.
C. Many call his action one of his greatest crimes against humanity.
D. To many, these marshes served as a refuge for those who didn’t support Hussein.
4. What is the most effective way to improve the organization of the paragraph 5
(sentences 21–26)?
A. Delete sentence 23
B. Switch sentences 23 and 24
C. Move sentence 24 to the end of the paragraph
D. Delete sentence 24
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5. Norma wants to combine sentences 21 and 22 to have a more effective topic sentence.
Which is the best revision of these sentences?
A. There may still hope for the Madan and their marshes, however, and different people
are searching for solutions to this crisis.
B. Scientist are discussing ways to help the region and this includes politicians as well who
think the marshes are not doomed.
C. Wondering whether the Madans are doomed, you will find that many people will say that
it is not.
D. The climate of this region makes it impossible to restore vegetation in the area. That is
why many people feel that the Madan are doomed.
6. The writer would like to include a final thought in her conclusion to wrap up her message.
Which of the following would be the best sentence to insert after sentence 26?
A. The marshlands must be restored or our society will be responsible; that is why we
should raise awareness about its crisis.
B. These marshlands may have been the inspiration for the Biblical Garden of Eden, so it
is an important place for all Christians.
C. Something must be done before this historical land and civilization vanish, and raising
awareness may be an important first step.
D. The price to restore these lands and culture may deter many government officials and
organizations from helping.
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Answer Key Revising Practice #4
Genre: Expository
Question
Answer
TEKS
R/S
Concepts
1
C
13C
R
Sentence Clarity
2
D
13C
R
Sentence Clarity
3
B
15A
S
Supporting Details
4
D
15A
S
Organization
5
A
15A
S
Topic Sentence
6
C
15A
S
Conclusions
Page 20
Revising Practice #5
Clayton’s teacher asked him to write a paper about an interesting event. Clayton decided to
describe an unusual festival he had read about in the newspaper. He wants you to read his
paper and suggest corrections and improvements he should make. When you finish reading,
answer the questions that follow.
The Annual Bug Bowl
(1) Many festivals feature the same kinds of activities. (2) Usually there are races,
exhibits, and tasty treats. (3) However, this festival is a little different. (4) The annual Bug Bowl,
which is put on each spring at Purdue University in West Lafayette, Indiana, started in 1990 as
a class project. (5) Today, this unusual festival brings in more than 10,000 visitors each year.
(6) At first glance Bug Bowl events may seem rather ordinary, but a closer look reveals
some surprises. (7) The races aren’t relay or sack races; they are cockroach races. (8) Held at
Purdue’s Roach Hill Downs, these races are quite popular with visitors, who are invited to
select their favorite roach and cheer for it to win. (9) Spectators stand and observe these
cockroaches run across the ground.
(10) In an adjacent area another unique competition takes place—cricket spitting. (11)
Women, men, girls, and boys compete to see how far they can propel a cricket. (12) This
unusual sport is even listed in the Guinness Book of World Records. (13) As of the year 2000,
the world record stood at just over 32 feet. (14) National news agencies are always on hand.
(15) They take pictures and interview the people who participate in this strange event.
(16) Of course, a festival wouldn’t ever be complete without a big offering of delicious
snacks. (17) The Bug Bowl is no exception. (18) On the night before the celebration begins,
designated chefs participate in an insect cook-off. (19) Local professionals judge the
“delicious” dishes. (20) In addition to these gourmet items, the following concoctions have
been offered at Bug Bowls in years past: Chinese stir-fry with mealworms, chocolate crickets
on a stick, and a snack mix made with cereal and wax-moth larvae.
Page 21
(21) Before they leave this festival, many visit the insect petting zoo. (22) Scientists
believe some insects have been on Earth since prehistoric times. (23) Children line up for the
opportunity to hold strange bugs of all kinds. (24) Most people agree that Purdue’s Bug Bowl is
definitely a one-of-a-kind experience!
1. Paragraph 2 (sentences 6-9) needs a transition to help promote the logical progression of
ideas. Which transition is needed at the beginning of sentence 7?
A. For example,
B. Nevertheless,
C. On the other hand,
D. However,
2. Clayton would like to add better diction and description. Which of the following sentence
would best replace sentence 9 to accomplish this task?
A. Many visitors who attend the festival watch as the cockroaches race across the ground.
B. Thousands of spectators stand and observe as the big brown insects scurry across the
ground.
C. The race includes many insects racing across the groups and observed by spectators.
D. Scurrying across the ground, thousands of spectators observe the brown insects race.
3. How should sentences 14 and 15 be combined?
A. National news agencies are always on hand to take pictures because they interview the
people who participate in this strange event.
B. National news agencies are always on hand to take pictures, so they interview the
people who participate in this strange event.
C. National news agencies are always on hand if they take pictures and interview the
people who participate in this strange event.
D. National news agencies are always on hand to take pictures and interview the people
who participate in this strange event.
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4. Which of the following would best substitute the word big as it is used in sentence 16?
A. vast
B. meager
C. sarcastic
D. fruitless
5. Clayton wants to clarify the meaning of a general reference in sentence 21. Which of the
following should replace the word they in sentence 21?
A. contestants
B. crickets
C. visitors
D. Media members
6. What is the most effective way to improve the organization of the last paragraph
(sentences 21–24)?
A. Delete sentence 21
B. Switch sentences 21 and 22
C. Delete sentence 22
D. Move sentence 24 to the beginning of the paragraph
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Answer Key Revising Practice #5
Genre: Expository
Question
Answer
TEKS
R/S
Concepts
1
A
15A
S
Transition
2
B
13C
R
Diction
3
D
13C
R
Sentence Clarity
4
A
13C
R
Diction
5
C
13C
R
Unclear Antecedent
6
C
15A
S
Organization
Page 24
Revision Practice #6
In response to an English assignment, Benny wrote an essay about whether or not high school
students should be required to complete community service to graduate. Benny would like you
to read his essay and help him revise and improve it. Read the essay, and then answer the
questions that follow.
The Forcing Element of Volunteering
(1) There are many issues to consider before reaching a decision. (2) The merit of
community service is not in question. (3) When it is a forced requirement to graduate, people
disagree. (4) Making community service mandatory is detrimental to the students because it
defeats its purpose and can deter their focus on academics.
(5) Community service, by definition, is a voluntary action implemented to portray one’s
personal drive, motivation, and ability to handle many responsibilities. (6) Specific programs
and scholarships offered by the schools require a certain number of community service hours.
(7) This completion allows the students to showcase qualities above and beyond the required
high school experience. (8) When community service is required, voluntary nature of
community service is shattered, taking away admirable qualities this involvement implies.
(9) Community service is an action that requires a lot of effort and time that may take
away from academic responsibilities. (10) Modern high school students take more challenging
courses in high school in hopes of earning college credit. (11) To be successful in these
classes, students must devote countless hours to ensure academic success. (12) With these
demanding time commitments that already exist in high school, it becomes a challenge to find
time to complete required community service.
(13) As a result, passing the community service proposal would create problems for
each student.(14) It will lessen the intrinsic value of participating in these activities, and it will
force students to focus less time on academics.
Page 25
1. Benny would like to combine the ideas in Sentence 2 and 3. Which of the following is the
best way to combine these sentences?
A. Community service is not a questionable merit since people disagree whether it should
be required or not to graduate from high school.
B. People disagree that the merit of community service is in question and whether it should
be required to graduate high school.
C. The merit of community service is not in question because when it is a forced
requirement to graduate, people disagree.
D. Although the merit of community service is not in question, people disagree about
whether or not it should be required to graduate high school.
2. The writer would like to add a sentence to his first paragraph to introduce the background
of this issue. To accomplish this goal, which of the following is the best sentence to insert
before sentence 1?
A. A recent city hall meeting revealed several problems among the school district including
low attendance, low test scores, and low funds for the fine arts program.
B. At a recent city hall meeting, school officials asked school board members to consider
adding community service requirements to graduation requirements.
C. School board members are being asked to consider many proposals at their most
recent school board meeting.
D. When it comes to student safety, the school board members agree there is a priority to
increase security among the high schools.
3. Benny would like to add the following sentence to his essay to improve details.
National Honor Society, for example, requires all members to complete
12 hours of community service each year.
Where is the best place to insert this sentence?
A. After sentence 5
B. After sentence 6
C. After sentence 7
D. After sentence 8
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4. Which of the following is a transition that should be added to the beginning of sentence 9 to
improve the logical progression between paragraphs?
A. In addition,
B. On the other hand,
C. In other words,
D. Instead,
5. The writer would like to add specific details to paragraph 3 (sentences 9-12). Which of the
following would be the best sentence to insert after sentence 10?
A. These classes require a lot of hours to be successful in the course.
B. People are able to earn college credit in a variety of ways.
C. These classes could include Advanced Placement and Dual-Credit courses.
D. Most students avoid challenging courses and take regular classes instead.
6. Benny would like to add a call to action at the end of his essay. Which of the following
would be the best statement to insert after sentence 14?
A. The schools board should, therefore, reject the proposal to attach community service
hours to graduation requirements.
B. This is why community service is not a worthy activity that society should be involved in.
C. The total required hours for community service should be increased from 8 hours to 12
hours.
D. Many people believe that community service builds character, but many others disagree
with this notion.
Page 27
Answer Key Revising Practice #6
Genre: Persuasive
Question
Answer
TEKS
R/S
Concepts
1
D
13C
R
Variety of Sentences
2
B
16D
S
Introductions
3
B
16A/F
S
Evidence/Supporting Details
4
A
16D
S
Transitions
5
C
16A/F
S
Evidence/Supporting Details
6
A
16D
S
Conclusion – Call to action
Page 28
Revision Practice #7
In response to a writing assignment, Danielle wrote the following essay on why working in high
school is a good option. Read her essay, paying particular attention to any changes and
improvements that Danielle can make. Then, answer the questions that follow.
More than a Job
(1) Many people believe that having a job during high school can stress out students.
(2) Its extrinsic and intrinsic benefits, however, can prove these objections wrong. (3) Having a
job is beneficial because it provides high school students with needed supplementary income,
and it teaches them responsibility.
(4) High school students are notorious for needing money. (5) They may need to help
support their families. (6) The income from the job of the high school student would help
support the family. (7) The money from the job could also be saved in case a situation arises in
which extra money is needed. (8) Because jobs provide this needed supplementary income, it
becomes obvious that it is a good alternative to high school students.
(9) Having a job also teaches responsibility. (10) Students don’t often understand the
importance of being on time and meeting deadlines. (11) A job forces students to follow a set
schedule. (12) They have to manage time well. (13) Also, they learn to spend money wisely
and to follow through on their assigned job. (14) These are important skills needed to develop
responsibility. (15) Having a job, therefore, ensures that students develop this responsibility
that will benefit them at school and in the real world.
(16) A high school job is not for everyone. (17) There are some students who can’t
handle the additional responsibility, for example. (18) Jobs are not always the best alternative
for every student. (19) The large majority of McDonald’s employees are students. (20)
Generally speaking, though, students have much to gain by having a high school job.
Page 29
1. The writer needs better diction in the first paragraph. Which of the following is the best word
that can be used to replace stress out in sentence 1?
A. overwhelm
B. facilitate
C. expel
D. deter
2. Danielle wants to avoid wordiness in her essay. Which sentence is the best way to combine
the ideas in sentences 5 and 6?
A. They need to help support their families; the income from the job of the high school
student would help.
B. Needing help to support their families, the students can rely on their income from their
jobs to help support their family.
C. Income from a high school job would help students financially support their families who
may be struggling.
D. Supporting their struggling families is what students who rely on the income from their
high school job can do.
3. Danielle would like to strengthen her argument presented in paragraph 2 (sentences 4 – 8).
Which of the following is a good detail to insert after sentence 7?
A. This can include personal expenses like cell phone bills or school costs like school
pictures.
B. Extra money is always needed in emergency situations, and students can have access
to it.
C. People who work are more likely to require more money during emergencies.
D. Having money during emergencies is a reason to get a job in the first place.
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4. Which of the following is a transition word that needs to be added to the beginning of
sentence 9 to strengthen the flow of the essay?
A. Consequently,
B. Furthermore,
C. Notwithstanding,
D. However,
5. Danielle wants to combine her short and choppy sentences. Which sentence is the best
way to rewrite sentences 11 and 12?
A. Although a job forces students to follow a set schedule, they have to manage time well.
B. Managing time well is how students follow a set schedule at their job.
C. A job requires students to manage their time well by forcing them to follow a set
schedule.
D. Forcing students to follow a set schedule and managing their time well is their job.
6. To improve the organization of the essay, the writer should delete which of the following
sentences?
A. Sentence 2
B. Sentence 7
C. Sentences 13
D. Sentence 19
Page 31
Answer Key Revising Practice #7
Genre: Persuasive
Question
Answer
TEKS
R/S
Concepts
1
A
13C
R
Diction
2
C
13C
R
Sentence clarity
3
A
16A/F
S
Evidence
4
B
16D
S
Transitions
5
C
13C
R
Sentence variety
6
D
16D
S
Organization
Page 32
Revising Practice #8
In response to an English assignment, Ashley wrote the following essay arguing the need for
internet access throughout school. She would like you to read her paper and make
suggestions for corrections and improvements. When you finish reading, answer the questions
that follow.
Wired Up
(1) During a presidential radio address in 1997, President Clinton stated, "We must
prepare our children for the 21st century with the full promise of the Information Age at their
fingertips." (2) The enormous task of wiring schools to the internet is expensive. (3) Students
will benefit from the knowledge they gain by exploring the world through the internet. (4) In
order to ensure a technically literate future for generations to come, computer and internet
accessibility should be provided for all schools.
(5) Help from the state and federal government is a must. (6) In a news release,
Governor Keating proposed using 70 million dollars to help schools link up to high-speed
connections. (7) Some older schools had to be completely rewired in order to receive the
technology. (8) Government programs were able to help them move forward. (9) This
assistance will hopefully pay off by preparing students for the technology to come.
(10) Additionally, financial programs have been developed to help internet capability.
(11) One program gave the Federal Communications Commission the ability to give discounts
for schools. (12) This is called E-rate, a discounted telecommunications service for schools
and libraries. (13) With help from E-rate, seventh graders at Whitebead School in Pauls Valley,
Oklahoma, communicated directly with scientists conducting research in Africa. (14) The
students were then able to write papers based on what they learned from the research.
Page 33
(15) Of course, there is opposition. (16) One concern from Senator Hollings (D-SC) was
that with children becoming more comfortable with the internet, they might have access to
inappropriate material.
(17) We shouldn't rely only on support from the government; we all need to be involved
in making sure it is second nature in all classrooms. (18) Be active in helping your community
schools become internet accessible.
1. What is the best way to rewrite sentences 2 and 3?
A. Wiring schools to the internet is an enormous, expensive task, but it is an enormous
task that will benefit students in the knowledge they gain when they explore the world
through the internet.
B. The enormous task of wiring schools to the internet is expensive; therefore, students
will benefit from the knowledge they gain by exploring the world through the internet.
C. Although the enormous task of wiring schools to the internet is expensive, students will
benefit from the knowledge they gain by exploring the world through the internet.
D. Some people believe that the task of wiring schools to the internet will be expensive
because they will benefit from the knowledge they gain by exploring the world through
the internet.
2. Ashley would like to improve the topic sentence in the paragraph 2 (sentence 5-9) . What is
the best way to revise sentence 5 to include more effective transitions?
A. The state and federal government helping will help achieve success.
B. One way to get help from the state and federal government is to achieve success.
C. First, in order to achieve success, help from the state and federal government is a must.
D. First of all, the state and federal government needs to help when they achieve success.
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3. Ashley would like to combine the ideas in sentences 7 and 8. What is the best way to
combine these sentences to improve clarity?
A. Some older schools had to be completely rewired in order to receive technology, so the
government was able to help them move forward.
B. In order to receive technology, the government was able to step in to help schools that
needed to be completely rewired move forward.
C. Having to be completely rewired in order to receive technology, the government was
able to help older schools move forward.
D. When some older schools had to be completely rewired in order to receive technology,
the government was able to help them move forward
4. To improve diction, which word would best replace the word help in sentence 10?
A. maintain
B. advance
C. hinder
D. regress
5. Which of the following would best replace the word it in sentence 17?
A. internet access
B. a secondary student
C. federal money
D. a school
6. Ashley wants to add the following statement as a refutation for the counter arguments
presented. Where would be the best place to insert the following sentences?
To remedy this, the Internet Protection Act and the Safe Schools Internet Act were
established. These acts and other security measures taken by the school have helped.
A. After sentence 2
B. After sentence 9
C. After sentence 14
D. After sentence 16
Page 35
Answer Key Revising Practice 8
Genre: Persuasive
Question
Answer
TEKS
R/S
Concepts
1
C
13C
R
Sentence clarity
2
C
16D
S
Structure
3
D
13C
R
Sentence Variety
4
B
13C
R
Word Choice
5
A
13C
R
Pronoun Reference
6
D
16D
S
Counter argument refutation
Page 36
Revision Practice #9
In response to a history assignment, Elizabeth wrote this paper about a person she greatly
admires. She would like you to read her paper. As you read, think about the corrections and
improvements she should make. Then answer the questions that follow.
Oskar Schindler
(1) It would have been frightening to live in Poland in the early 1940s. (2) The Nazis,
under the dictatorship of Adolf Hitler, had taken over the country and absorbed it into the
German Third Reich. (3) Jewish people were being driven from their homes, and they were
being taken to labor camps, and they were being forced into death camps. (4) Many nonJewish people, afraid to get involved, looked the other way as these horrors fell upon their
neighbors. (5) But some took a risk and stood up for what they believed was right. (6) Oskar
Schindler was one of these people. (7) He saved the life of more than 1,300 Jews during World
War II.
(8) Schindler was born into a wealthy family that lost its fortune in the depression of the
1930s. (9) Schindler was looking for a new opportunity. (10) He joined the Nazi Party.
(11) During this time it would have been hard to imagine that he would ever become anyone’s
hero. (12) He was described as a womanizer and a heavy drinker. (13) He met many important
people while he was in the Nazi Party.
(14) When the Nazis invaded Poland, Schindler gained control of a factory near a
Jewish ghetto in Kraków. (15) He began hiring Jews to work in the factory, primarily because
they offered the cheapest source of labor. (16) As time passed, he began to see his factory
workers as real people—mothers, fathers, children, and friends.
(17) Schindler decided to risk everything to save those he had the power to protect.
(18) He had many connections and was a master at bribing the proper people. (19) When a
ghetto near his factory was evacuated and all its Jewish occupants were assigned to a work
camp, Schindler arranged for his employees who lived in the ghetto to be moved to a nearby
Page 37
sub-camp. (20) Conditions at this sub-camp were much better, and food and medicine could
be smuggled in.
(21) Schindler himself spent every night in his office, ready to intervene if the gestapo, a
Nazi police agency, came to take away one of the Schindlerjuden, or “Schindler’s Jews.” (22)
Eventually the sub-camp near his factory was shut down, and all its workers were assigned to
Auschwitz, an infamous death camp. (23) Again Schindler came through, and the Jews on his
employee list were delivered from that horrible fate.
(24) In May 1945 the Russians liberated Poland, and the Jews in that country were
finally free from the terrors of the Nazi Party. (25) The descendants of those saved by Oskar
Schindler honor and remember him even today. (26) His story proves that one person can take
a stand and a difference made.
1. To avoid wordiness and be concise with language, what is the most effective way to revise
sentence 3?
A. Jewish people were being driven from their homes because they were being taken to
labor camps and forced into death camps.
B. Jewish people were being driven from their homes and taken to labor camps. They
were driven from their homes to be forced into death camps.
C. Jewish people were being driven from their homes, taken to labor camps, and forced
into death camps.
D. They, the Jewish people, were being driven from their homes, only to be taken to labor
camps although some were driven from their homes and into death camps.
2. What is the most effective way to combine sentences 9 and 10?
A. Besides looking for a new opportunity, Schindler joined the Nazi Party.
B. Looking for a new opportunity, Schindler joined the Nazi Party.
C. Schindler was looking for a new opportunity because he joined the Nazi Party.
D. Schindler joined the Nazi Party, which was looking for a new opportunity.
Page 38
3. Elizabeth wants to add this sentence to the second paragraph (sentences 8–13).
These relationships became essential to him in the years that followed.
Where is the best place to insert this sentence?
A. At the beginning of the paragraph
B. After sentence 11
C. After sentence 12
D. After sentence 13
4. What transition needs to be added to the beginning of sentence 13?
A. However,
B. For example,
C. Since,
D. As a result,
5. Which sentence could follow and support sentence 16?
A. In time they became mothers, fathers, children, and friends to him.
B. Schindler’s factory supplied the German front with enamel goods and munitions.
C. He started to understand the impact of the Nazis’ brutality.
D. Germany declared war on the United States in December 1941.
GO ON
6. What is the most effective way to revise sentence 26?
A. His story proves that one person can take a stand and make a difference.
B. His story proves that one person can take a stand and a difference can be made.
C. His story proving that one person can take a stand shows that one person make a
difference.
D. His story proves that one person can take a stand. It also proves they can make a
difference.
Page 39
Answer Key Revising Practice 9
Genre: Persuasive
Question
Answer
TEKS
R/S
Concepts
1
C
13C
R
Sentence Variety
2
B
13C
R
Sentence Variety
3
D
15A
S
Supporting Details
4
A
15A
S
Transition
5
C
15A
S
Supporting Details
6
A
13C
R
Sentence Clarity
Page 40
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Answer Key Revising Practice #1