Jasco County
A hairy comedy
By
D.M. SCHUETTEE
Copyright©2010
Characters
Edith Talbot……….The Grandmother
Tammy Talbot……….Edith’s Granddaughter
Jimmy Talbot..........Edith’s Grandson
Joan Mitchell……….A weird park resident
Mr. Mackey……….The Starry Sky Trailer Park Manager
Cooter……….Owner of Jasco Brothers towing company
Tater……….Cooter’s Brother
Skeeter……….Cooter’s younger Brother
Sheriff McHanney……….The Town Sheriff
Ed Hermans……….A Bitter Old Man
Alycia StoneWeed……….News Anchor
Kurt Howard……….Local News Team
Ron St. Jean……….News Room Anchor.
David Wells……… Writer for the City Paper
Guy Augustine..........Crypto zoologist/Bigfoot Hunter
2
Scene 1
The action of the story takes place at the Stary Sky Trailer Home Park at the home of
Edith Talbot.
The scene: Summer, early June the present.
Edith Talbot’s trailer, that of a 1950’s flyer model parked in its space 313, there is grass
that has grown high over the heavy rains. Power cables are hooked into the space
electrical and placed around the trailer is several garden gnomes, pink flamingos a
empty milk crate there are many and colorful wind chimes and pots and pans and even an
old toilet which plants grow out of. There is a fire pit that is used as a Bar-B-Q. just next
to Edith’s trailer is Mr. Hermanns trailer, more than half is covered by curly willow and
a dirt path way that leads to the park dumpster. Crickets sound all around the outside the
Starry Sky Mobile Home Park. There is an inside light from Edith’s Trailer.
Joan a thin woman age undefined, her hair is pulled back in a pony tail and tied with a
red bow is seen in the back ground burying a small object in a hole, she mumbles as she
shovels dirt on top of the hole.
JOAN Sorry little creature, though you lasted longer than the last science project of
mine.
She disappears with wheel borrow.
There is a snap of a tree branch on the ground in the distance, then another, the crickets
have stopped chirping. The Trailer home rocks slightly then violently:From inside the
trailer we hear the voice of Edith and Tammy Talbot.
EDITH What the hell is happening? Tammy, Tammy, Tammy, wake up! The trailer is
rocking!
TAMMY What the hell is happening Grandma! Is it a tornado?
EDITH I think it’s an earth quake!
TAMMY Earth Quake?
Sounds of dishes crashing to the floor from inside
EDITH Oh my gosh my new china!
TAMMY Hold on Grandma!
EDITH I am, I am, look at me holding on!
3
TAMMY look out for the flying cake mix!
EDITH Tammy help me!
TAMMY Right here Grandma. Grab my hand!
EDITH I can’t see, where are you?
TAMMY Right here grandma!
EDITH There goes my dentures, get my dentures Tammy!
The big hairy creature shakes the trailer again from the outside.
TAMMY Grandma, careful, watch out for the soup!
The shaking has stopped, Joan has reappeared
JOAN Shoo, go on git!
The creature steps away from the trailer leaving a loud growl in the air before it goes out
it grabs a small teddy bear in front of Edith’s Trailer, it hugs it as if it were a small child,
then exits out. While Joan wheels her wheel bare of rocks out of sight. Tammy Talbot
exits out the trailer home
EDITH My Goodness did we just experience an earthquake Tammy?
TAMMY I don’t know Grandma.
(A loud growl is heard)
EDITH ( Exits out with her tea) Tammy did you hear that? Maybe we just got attacked
by a bear?
TAMMY I don’t know what happened Grandma? Ewww, what is that ordor maybe we
maybe we got attacked by a raging skunk.
Joan enters once again with a wheel borrow full of white painted rocks.
EDITH Oh my goodness maybe you’re right Tammy, a skunk with a vengeance.
TAMMY I don’t know, but whatever it was, it flatten the one of the tires.
EDITH Damn it! Not the tires, now the damn thing is off balance, it’s going to be hard
for me to cook or even go to the bath room.
4
TAMMY Strange what would a bear being doing around here.
EDITH Probably came around looking for food.
TAMMY Food, it must have been going through the dumpster.
EDITH I don’t know. Tammy better call the sheriff, wait better call the tow company
too, come and fix the tire in the morning, I’ll see if I can get of hold of Mr. Mackey.
TAMMY (She goes inside ) Grandma which tow company?
EDITH There’s only one here in town The Jasco County Bros Towing. The number is on
the fridge stuck to my Elvis magnet.
TAMMY (from inside) That’s going to be difficult, everything is on the floor Grandma.
EDITH Keep looking honey, it’s near the fridge.
TAMMY Grandma.
EDITH Yes honey.
TAMMY Forget about breakfast in the morning your cheerios is all over the floor.
EDITH Son of bitchin’ bear.
(She takes out her flask blouse and takes a sip then she scouts around the yard and sees
that one of her flamingos is rip from the ground and thrown to the side of the trailer) Oh
what a mess, that must of been some angry bear even hates my flamingos
There you are Mr. Pinky feathers and let me help you up Mr. One Leg.
Find the number Tammy?
TAMMY I think so it’s all covered with egg yoke.
EDITH Damn bear.
TAMMY (Poking her head outside of the trailer.) Come on in Grandma that bear could
still be out there.
EDITH I need to check the propane tanks. (Edith gets flash light from the side of the
trailer on a battery charger) I jest hope they aren’t busted up (Tammy hands her the
flash light. She scouts around the tank with her flash light.
TAMMY Grandma the tanks okay?
EDITH Yeah thank goodness they’re not all busted up..
5
TAMMY (On the cordless phone) That’s good…Oh Hello…This is Tammy
Talbot…Over here at the Starry Sky Trailer Park…Off Of Hi-way 65…Yes I’ll hold.
EDITH Ask them what time they can come out?
TAMMY Okay Grandma, but they put me on hold…Hello Yeah we just … Our trailer
has flat tire, it seems we got attacked by a bear…Uh Huh…Yeah, and we…She goes
back inside.
EDITH (To herself) let’s see what other damages this bear has done. Oh my …Oh my
poor little garden Gnome…Oh Don’t you worry Mr. Stubby Ol’ Edith will get your head
glued back on.
TAMMY (Standing in the door way of the trailer) They said, they will be here in the
morning.
EDITH Did they say what time?
TAMMY No they didn’t, just in the morning.
EDITH Crazy town, why of all things, I had to move from Las Vegas to here.
Unbelievable, ya know we wouldn’t be here if your Grandpa Leon wouldn’t of just git up
and die…I didn’t mean that. I couldn’t afford to keep the house. If it weren’t for aunt
Effie leaving on them trips of hers, we wouldn’t have her trailer to live in. I sure do miss
Vegas…What a night, I swear this family is cursed. I guess we’ll have to wait for the tow
company to come in the morning.
TAMMY We’ll get through it, better come inside.
EDITH Alright.
A tree branch snaps and rustling in the background is heard
EDITH Whose out here! (She pick up her plastic flamingo, Joan appears once more)
Joan is that you? What on earth are you doing out here? We were just attacked by a bear
tonight, damn thing shook the hell out of my trailer. Did you see a bear out here tonight?.
She picks up garden gnome and dusts it off and puts in back into the yard.
JOAN No.
EDITH Are you sure, damn thing made havoc here. Tammy and I were rolling around
inside there like a couple of bee-bees in a glass jar. Are you sure you didn’t see a bear?
JOAN No I did not see a bear.
6
EDITH (moves to the back of the trailer looking about.) Hmm.
TAMMY (Stands in the door of the trailer).It’s hot out tonight. Sticky. Hey there Joan
(Joan waves back at Tammy) Grandma better come inside just in case that bear is still
lingering around out there.
EDITH I think he Ska-daddled out of here, probably after my cheerios. Besides cooler
out her than the trailer. Get of hold of that tow company yet?
TAMMY Yeah they will send some one out in the morning,
EDITH What time in the morning?
TAMMY Didn’t say, just in the morning (She picks up chairs and dusks them off)
EDITH Typical. You had to see something Joan if you were out here. Sure you didn’t
see a bear?
JOAN No Edith I did not see a bear.
EDITH (She sips her tea) Did you see something?
JOAN Well I…
EDITH What on earth are you doing with those rocks Joan?
JOAN I am doing a small project.
EDITH Project?…At this hour? Joan we were attacked by a bear for God sakes.
JOAN Yes, so you said. Anyway I am getting things in order for when they come.
EDITH They? Whose they? Got company coming over?
JOAN Oh, yes company.
EDITH Joan… We’re not on that are we?
TAMMY Not the U.F.O thing again, give it a rest.
JOAN U.F.O… Here? That’s unexpected.
EDITH If it ain’t the bears it’s the loonies
TAMMY What’s with the white rocks?
EDITH Yeah, Joan what’s with the white painted rocks?
7
JOAN These rocks?
EDITH Yeah those rocks?
JOAN I am putting them around…I am putting them in the back yard.
TAMMY Around in your back yard?
EDITH Now in the middle of the night while there’s a bear around here? You could
have been food for that bear! What’s the matter with you?
JOAN As I said before, I did not see a bear.
Joan starts off with the wheel Borrow.
TAMMY Night Joan.
JOAN Good night Tammy good night Edith.
Tammy goes in to call. While Edith takes out her flask and pours liquor into her glass of
tea
TAMMY She’s strange, grandma.
EDITH I think those energy drinks are getting to her.
TAMMY And she smells awful all the time, like dead potatoes and dirt.
EDITH Tammy.
TAMMY As I think about it, she never moved in here at least, I never saw here drive in
here with the trailer she lives in now.
EDITH That’s because she moved in Mr. Le Roche’s old trailer.
TAMMY I never saw him move out.
EDITH Of course you did, the Coroner came and picked him up.
TAMMY Grandma how long has she lived here now?
EDITH Six months, and no one has ever been inside her home.
TAMMY Right.
EDITH I remember her moving in, but it was just a couple of suit cases, they were silver
ones with some strange writing, It didn’t look English to me.
8
TAMMY Strange.
EDITH And what about her insulin shot, Mr. Mackey says it’s some kind of DNA
Protein vitamin shot that she has to take every day.
TAMMY That is strange, grandma.
EDITH Very, she says she been here in the area for a long time, and she says she’s been
around the planet, so she says. Maybe that’s why she packs light. She must be a tourist.
Still I wonder what she saw, if she didn’t see a bear.
TAMMY Maybe a mountain lion? Well in any case, I better get the trailer cleaned.
Come in grandma I don’t like you being out here.
EDITH I will honey. (She takes out her flask and sneaks a drink) I don’t think that ol’
bear will be back, well at least not tonight anyway.
TAMMY I can get your gun, I know how to load it.
EDITH Nah, won’t be needing that. I’m alright.
Tammy goes back inside the trailer, she exits back out with a coke-a-cola to give to Edith.
Edith moves about in the yard of the trailer and spots something on the ground.
TAMMY Here grandma this will calm your nerves.
EDITH Thank you honey. She opens the can of soda.
Tammy goes back inside the trailer. Edith takes out her flask of liquor and pours it in the
soda can) And so will this.
TAMMY Come on Grandma get back inside.
EDITH Coming. (She hesitates) What the….(She discovers something with her
flashlight on the ground)…Foot prints and big ones too. On no…Could it be…I think
he’s come back…(She looks off into the distance, then leaves the can soda on the ground
next to the broken garden gnome.
BLACK OUT
9
SCENE 2
It is morning Edith is seen with her garden gnome in hand as she is doing her best to
repair it from the night before. Edith picks up the empty soda can. And discovers a few
hair strains she puts the can in her coat pocket.
EDITH Almost dry there Mr. Chubs and then you’ll be all better. (The head falls off the
gnome) Well all most.
Mr. Mackey enters he is a man in his 60’s and wears shorts, with a baseball cap and a
Hawaiian shirt, and hiking boots with a radio attached to his belt.
VOICE (A voice is heard from Mr. Mackey’s radio)
Front office to Mackey.
MACKEY Go ahead June.
VOICE That coffee you wanted earlier…Well I had to go toilet and the coffee pot got
burnt. Over.
MACKEY June how long were you in the bathroom? Over.
VOICE I had to go four times since this morning. Over.
MACKEY I have Pepto Over.
There is a silence no answer from June in the front office.
MACKEY June did you copy?...June.
VOICE I’m still thinking if I need it. Over.
MACKEY June don’t make anything else until I get back up to the office and wash your
hands. Over.
VOICE You welcome. Over…I mean Ten-Four.
Mackey just moves on to greet Edith
MR. MACKEY Morning Edith, it’s going be another warm day, I got here as quick as I
could, I was tired up at home. Hard to get out of those ropes I told Gary not so tight. You
seem alright? There any damage? It’s odd, there would be any bears here in this area. Oh
I see you got a flat tire Huh?
10
EDITH Yeah, flat tire, Tammy called a tow company, they said they would be here
some time this morning.
MACKEY Good. Anything else that bear might have done?
EDITH Look poor Mr. Chubs here, I think he will have to be buried out back with his
family…
MACKEY What???
EDITH I have gnome cemetery behind the trailer.
MR. MACKEY That’s nice. I have vegetable garden behind mine… I love making
salads.
EDITH Uh huh. Oh that damn bear! Damn thing attacked my flamingos too. Poor one
Leg can barely stand now. And Pinky is now like Mr. Chubs…Decapitated. I don’t have
any more glue. Mr. Mackey do you have any glue at your house I could use to put my
friends back together?
MACKEY Oh no, I’m not aloud to have glue around the house. Gary said no.
EDITH Oh.
At this point Mr. Hermann an auspicious man walk by during this conversation. Mr.
Mackey waves- good morning to him.
MACKEY Morning Mr. Hermanns.
HERMANN Hmm.
MACKEY Sunny out today, sure another great day above ground. Say Mr. Hermanns,
last night Edith here claims a bear attack her trailer, did you see a bear around here?
HERMANN No!
MACKEY That’s good. I hate to bring this up, but the home association that we have
here, keeps harping on me about residents keeping their share clean of the park and I see
that you have lots of curly willow all grown up around your windows of your trailer,
why?
HERMANN Because it’s Spooky!
MACKEY I don’t want the park to look run down.
HERMANS Fart sucking bastard! He continues walking along and exits out.
11
MACKEY What a nice man, he Just needs some one to love him.
EDITH You could be that person.
MACKEY Uh Huh. Edith look at your poor little dried up tomato plants.
EDITH I haven’t had the time to get out and water, the bear and all, Hell I think they
need mashed up and thrown away.
MACKEY Oh no you didn’t say that, they need loving, my loving.
I can take them and give them the care they need.
EDITH Well there is no sense in keeping them I mean they only have a couple of
tomaters on them. Yeah help yourself, Mr. Mackey. (He starts to pick them up and take,
but stops half way)
MACKEY Let me get you home my darlings, and get you a big drink of refreshing
water.
EDITH By the way Mrs. Grayson’s cat hooter is missing, you think you might have
seen her around?
MACKEY When did her cat go missing?
EDITH Mrs. Grayson said the poor thing didn’t come home last night.
MACKEY Has she had the cat spaded?
EDITH I wouldn’t know.
MACKEY Well Edith I must say it’s getting strange around here with all the bear
attacks, cats missing, tomato plants dying. I believe it all started when I let that cute
young artist move in, remember he had the long black hair and pale skin. Never saw him
out in the day, never. I never thought he was weird until he invited me in his trailer one
night to show me his… Artwork that hung on his trailer walls. Every painting he had in
that place of his were landscape of night, no paintings of sun light what so ever. I figured
he was a vampire. (He looks about to discover Edith’s tomato plants)
EDITH What?
MACKEY Maybe he’s still lurking about, maybe he shook your trailer, took Mrs.
Grayson’s cat hooter and sucked those tomato plants dry. I’ve been reading up on
Vampire lore. Gary bought a book on it for me last week he’s into that sort of thing…and
role playing with his Halloween cape.
12
EDITH Uh huh.
Joan enters she carries a shovel
MACKEY Morning Joan, looks like you’re doing some yard work huh?
JOAN Oh yes just burring some compost.
MACKEY Good for you. Say did you see anything strange going on last night?
EDITH She didn’t see the bear.
JOAN No, I did not see a bear, but I have a feeling it might be those dog boys with the
hairy faces and bad breath Rex and Skippy sniffing around and peeing on everything.
EDITH (She looks around) Shh lower your voice I don’t want Tammy to hear that. She
dated one, I think it was Rex. Beside Joan, the dog boys joined the circus last year.
JOAN Hmm, Well in any case watch out for them.
MACKEY Oh by the way Joan Mrs. Grayson’s cat is missing have you seen it around
here?
JOAN The big fluffy one with one eye?
MACKEY Yeah that’s the one.
JOAN No I have not seen it. Ta ta.
MACKEY Wait a minute Joan, she said it was around your house yesterday, is that
right?
JOAN Hmm…Around my house (she looks up and spot shoes wrapped around a
telephone wire) Well that is odd.
MACKEY What’s odd?
JOAN Her cat missing.
MACKEY Right. But have you seen the cat?
Joan looks up and sees a pair of shoes wrapped around a telephone wire in the park.
JOAN What are those?
MACKEY What? Fuck! Look at those shoes wrapped around the telephone wire.
13
JOAN Why would some one do that?
MACKEY Drugs.
JOAN Drugs?
MACKEY People all spun out doing crazy stuff. That looks like shit for the park.
EDITH What about the neighbors missing cats?
JOAN Maybe those spun out people took them.
MACKEY I wouldn’t doubt it probably sold the cat for drugs.
JOAN How unfortunate ta,ta. (she exits out)
MACKEY Screw those cats, I never liked Mrs. Grayson cat, damn thing would climb
into my window and clean itself on my kitchen table.
EDITH Mr. Mackey cats do that, they have to clean themselves.
MACKEY All the time, that cat has O.C.D. big problem. Hair all over the place and at
times Gary would question whose hair that was. And that cat would bring on my flash
backs of when I was married to my ex-wife, Oh she was work of art always horny try
anything to get my attention. She would clean herself on our kitchen table. Oh having sex
with her was like making love to Jell-O wrapped in cellophane I just can’t go into that
right now…okay.
EDITH Okay.
She exits out with her shovel
Mackey picks up the tomato plants and starts off
MACKEY Well I’ll take these tomato plants on my way home. Did I tell ya I’m remolding my bathroom just put in a new toilet, the cushy kind. I was thinking about
making a big dinner and trying it out later.
He starts out
EDITH What if that bear comes back?
MACKEY If anything happens use your walker to defend yourself.
EDITH The hell you say!
14
MACKEY I can call the sheriff out here, he’ll tell you the same thing I’m telling you
keep the trash picked up, and your doors locked and gum off the walk ways.
EDITH What??
MACKEY Less there is and we all recycle there will be no bears here.
(He takes out a cookie to offer her) Cookie?
She doesn’t take the cookie she just stares at Mr. Mackey he stares back then he exits out
EDITH No!
MACKY All right then.
He starts to take them but only make it to the middle of Edith’s yard
Scene 3
The same but moments later Just outside of a old tow truck that bares the logo Jasco
Co. Brothers Towing & Repair”
COOTER (getting inside the drivers side while his brother Tater on the passengers side)
Tater did you get the number to the house?
TATER Ain’t no house the woman lives in a trailer park.
COOTER Ain’t that the shits, Skeeter told me it was a house. Where is he?
TATER (Calls out for his younger brother) Skeeter. Get your ass over here!
COOTER I can’t make this out, what street or road is this?
TATER (Taking the slip of paper from him, he reads) Oh hell it’s all the way out there
On the old route Thirteen ya know that old frontage road.
COOTER Damn. What time is it?
TATER (looks at clock in the truck) 8:35am.
COOTER What time zone are you in? That clock hasn’t worked since last year.
TATER Oh. (He looks at his watch) I got a quarter til.
COOTER Quarter til what?
TATER Til’ nine. Wait, wait, nine is that right?
15
COOTER You hittin’ the pipe again?
TATER No, I ain’t at least I’m here on time not like Skeeter.
COOTER We can’t be late all the time it’s bad for business and the way things are now,
we got to git whatever lands our way to stay in business.
TATER Damn It Skeeter hurry the hell up!
COOTER Time we git going out of here it’s going to be ten O’Clock soon, and I told
that woman we would be there in the morning.
TATER Or a quarter after.
COOTER I Know one thing this shit is cutting into my drinking time.
TATER And mine.
COOTER Skeeter stop jerking your junk we got to roll!
(off)
SKEETER I’m a coming, I’m a coming.
SKEETER (Rushing in as he pulls up his pants and buckles his belt ) here I am.
COOTER About damn time.
SKEETER Stop rushing me I was on the toilet. I can’t be rushed when I’m on the toilet.
TATER Hell all you got to do is if it’s number one you, shake the hose dry and if it’s
number two you wipe the valley clean. Come let’s roll!
They drive away.
Inside the tow company truck
Skeeter starts to light up a cigarette in the truck Cooter speaks up about the matter
COOTER What the hell do you think you’re doing there skeeter?
SKEETER I’m Smoking.
TATER The question is what is he smoking?
SKEETER I don’t smoke anything but cigarettes.
16
COOTER I don’t smoke in your car do I?
SKETER That’s because I don’t have a car.
COOTER Exactly then don’t smoke in my truck. You know what daddy said to me
before he died?
TATER You fat pig.
COOTER No before that.
SKEETER Get out.
COOTER He said, Cooter keep a look out for your two brothers, and it’s my job to
make sure you don’t screw things up and we stay in business. Now get this truck going.
(Something catches Tater’s eye up in the sky)
TATER What the hell is that?
COOTER What?
TATER Look up in the sky what the hell is that, helicopter?
SKEETER Could be a helicopter. Maybe it’s sky patrol?
COOTER What?
SKEETRE I think its the police patrolling the skies
TATER Put your pipe away!
SKEETER I’m not smoking my pipe.
COOTER Put whatever you smoking out and stay focused!
TATER Look at that, that’s no Helicopter see the way it moved a crossed the sky .
SKEETER What about those lights never seen lights like that. Pull the Truck over.
The truck comes to a stop .The three get out and investigate.
SKEETER That’s strange…I never seen anything like it.
TATER That’s for sure…Maybe it’s a U.F.O.
17
COOTER A what?
TATER I said it could be a U.F.O.
SKEETER I’m scared.
TATER Yeah I am too.
COOTER Oh come on you pussies.
SKEETER A buddy of mine on my ham radio, 1245-X told me all about them aliens,
sure did, how they have this light ray that sucks you up from the ground, and once you’re
inside, they poke and probe you, up your butt and stuff, and then when they’re all done
with ya they throw your ass out of the space ship all naked. People I talked to said,
they’re never the same all messed up and junk.
COOTER No more pipe for you.
TATER I think we better git on out of here git ourselves on over to the job site.
SKEETER Look, I think it’s coming right for us.
COOTER GIT IN THE TRUCK NOW!!
SKEETER RUN FOR IT, RUN, RUN!
TATER GUN IT COOTER GUN IT!!
SKEETER FASTER, I DON’T WANT TO BE PROBED!!
The truck slowly drives away there is a bright light that passes over them and sounds of a
aircraft fly above them..
The harry Creature that was seen the night before crosses the three bros. path.
And the truck swerves and the Creature stops and yells at the truck.
SKEETER Ah look out, there’s a bear in front of us.
TATER That ain’t no bear!
The truck drives stirs clear of the creature.
SKEETER It’s coming right at us!
TATER Quick roll up the windows!
18
COOTER What the hell was that?
SKEETER I don’t know, maybe an alien.
COOTER Tater what you think?
TATER I don’t know what I think. Could be an Alien, or an alien bear, or a mutant alien
Monkey.
SKEETER I think we need to git on home.
COOTER Listen we can’t just go home, we still need that job, you hear me, we haven’t
had a call on any work for days. We have to go.
TATER I need to calm my nerves down give me a beer.
SKEETER I agree with Tater.
COOTER Beer.
TATER Beer.
SKEETER Yep.
COOTER Good answer.
Lights up on Starry sky Trailer Park
The truck pulls in the park. COOTER, TATER get out except SKEETER.
COOTER Tater git the tools will ya.
SKEETER I got to go pee.
COOTER Hold it will ya. We just got here.
Tater goes around to the back of the truck to get the tools
Meanwhile at the starry sky trailer park Sheriff Mchanney taking a report from Edith
MCHANNEY Now, Edith why don’t you tell it to me again huh, from the top.
EDITH I told you everything I know. I don’t know why Mr. Mackey called you out here.
MCHANNEY To take this report down, which I feel there isn’t really a report to take, I
shouldn’t be here, I’m missing my show Sand Angels. Now what about this bear?
19
EDITH Well, it took my little Teddy Roosevelt (He gives her a look) teddy is stuffed
toy I have out here in the yard. Sheriff it was just some ol’ bear looking for food in the
middle of the night.
MCHANNEY Did you see the bear, did you tease it?
EDITH No, but we heard it growl and shake the hell out of the trailer here, and it flatten
one of the tires out here.
MCHANNEY Shook the hell out of trailer, flatten a tire.
EDITH Uh huh.
MCHANNEY Anything missing?
EDITH Missing like what? Sheriff if there was a burglarizing bear that wanted to steal
my (she whispers) liquor, I would of called you myself, now wouldn’t I just take the
dang ol report down.
MCHANNEY Edith you just let me do my job and I won’t tell you how to do yours, is
that clear?
EDITH Clear.
MCHANNEY Now maybe it wasn’t a bear, it could of been some kids just goofing off
throwing eggs at people cars and banging up mail boxes, stuff like that. Well it wasn’t
too long ago when we hauled in that punk kid O’Brien, who robbed that convenient store
B.J.’s Inside his pick up truck we found the evidence, sure did, there was the money, a
half eaten hamburger, a small bag of weed, and a penis pump.
Edith just stairs at the sheriff
MCHANNEY Yep.
An awkward moment
MCHANNEY You said it was looking for food did it take food, maybe crackers some
cereal?
EDITH No it didn’t take any of our food.
MCHANNEY (He writes down more form her statement) Didn’t take food.
EDITH I think it was just here looking for food out of the dumpster I had a Salisbury
steak dinner last night it might have been sniffin’ around for that.
20
MCHANNEY Digging in the dumpster for food. Huh, Speaking of food I’m sure
craving a chicken strip sandwich right now.
EDITH Look Sheriff there was just a hungry ol’ bear that happen to wonder in the
neighborhood looking for food. We’re all right. We didn’t git scratched or bitten by it.
MCHANNEY Okay I’ll put that in my report no problem, no forced entry from the bear.
EDITH And no food stolen either.
MCHANNEY No food taken. (He takes out a bar of chocolate) Piece of chocolate?
Something about a big ol’ piece of chocolate helps me think. Anything else you want to
tell me.
EDITH No sheriff.
MCHANNEY Okie dokie then I’ll jest take this here report and turn in to my office.
Oh and Edith do me a favor if there is anything I can help you with Jest get on the horn
I’ll be out here, Compendia?
EDITH Will do sheriff.
Mchanney starts off, but comes back to edith
SKEETER I’m still calming my nerves down.( As he takes another drink from his beer
can) give me back my pipe Cooter.
COOTER approaches. Howdy, you Mrs. Talbot?
EDITH That be me, Howdy.
MCHANNEY Howdy, howdy. You boys look all shook up, something the matter?
COOTER Howdy, no sir, nothing going on here. You the lady who needs to have her
flat tire fixed on your trailer?
EDITH That be me. Say you do look all shaken up, something the matter?
COOTER Well…No Just my nerves, my two brothers do that to me.
EDITH I know what you mean there is a man by the name of Mr. Mackey always
pushing that last button of mine.
COOTER Well I see that tire is shot real bad.
EDITH Real bad. Can she be fixed?
21
COOTER Yep no problem.
MCHANNEY Before I go Edith there is one more thing, was it a black bear or a brown
bear?
Joan enters
JOAN Edith I forgot to bring back your shovel I am done…done composting.
EDITH Thanks Joan just set it over there by the shed I’ll put it away later.
MCHANNEY Ms. Did you see anything out of the ordinary, did you see the bear?
(He takes another bite of the chocolate bar.)
EDITH She didn’t see a bear isn’t that right Joan?
JOAN Right did not see a bear. What is that you are eating?
MCHANNEY Chocolate, want a piece?
JOAN I don’t know I never had the substance.
MCHANNEY Oh here try a piece it’s my favorite.
(She does and gets a buzz off it)
JOAN Sweet, flavor…hmmm Wow that is so- Wow I really like this Got more?
MACHANNEY Here have the rest I have a whole case of it at home brother sends me
tons, works at distribution center, he gets it for free.
JOAN Oh this is some feeling…Very strange feeling…
MCHANNEY you’re not allergic to chocolate are you? I have buddy of mine I work
with can’t touch the stuff gets all bloated breaks out in a rash and has level 10 diarrhea.
JOAN I don’t know yet, my insides are tingling..but it sure feels neat…ha, ha, ha, ha.
Feels like I’m flying..Ha, ha, ha, wow look what my hand can do.
MCHANNEY Better sit down.
JOAN Fine, I need to go home now…I mean back to the trailer…Yes oh, oh Yeah Woo,
What color is the sky here? Yeah. Pretty cool stuff…chocolate, chocolate, that chocolaty
feeling… excellent! Must harvest this chocolate!
22
(She exits)
EDITH Joan is a strange women, I didn’t say that, but it’s true. I don’t think any of else
who lives here ever seen her eat. I heard her say once “Humans and their animal flesh.”
She has never come to any of the monthly Bar-B-Q. Cook outs.
MCHANNEY She goin’ be alright?
EDITH Joan has very high emotional problems. I didn’t say that ,but it’s true.
MCHANNEY Do me a favor check on her in a bit will ya.
EDITH She’ll be fine. She’s a little bi-polar
MCHANNEY Well I better get roll on out of here.
EDITH Thank you sheriff.
Mchanney makes his way out
COOTER Trouble Ma’am?
EDITH Nah just an angry bear looking for food. Flatten the tire.
COOTER Jest now?
EDITH No last night
SKEETER Well me and my brother saw something really weird as we were driving
here.
MCHANNEY And what would that be son?
COOTER SKEETER!
SKEETER No! listen on our way over here this flying saucer thing, with all these lights
flashing and stuff, as we’re looking up at this thing, we almost hit this hairy man thing. It
was walking like this (He demonstrates) like it was a big ol’ monkey, but it didn’t have a
banana in its hand like a monkey.
MCHANNEY You boys on dope?
COOTER Oh no sir. but My brother is telling the truth, we did see something, Up in the
sky with red and yellow lights and then we did see the Stink man…because he smelled
like shit.
23
TATER Uh Huh.
MCHANNEY And what’s your name son?
TATER I’m Tater Thompson, this is brother Cooter Thompson and this is my other
brother Skeeter Tompson. My brothers wouldn’t lie sir, I saw the flying dish thing and
the Wolfman with the red glowing eyes I almost puffed up and passed out.
MCHANNEY This gets better and better, first Edith here says her trailer was attacked
by a bear, you three say just now, as you we’re driving here, you saw a flying saucer and
something that looks like the hairy stinky monkey wolf man with glowing red eyes, this
whole thing sounds like it might of come out of a drug induced hallucination, that’s what
I think. This is going to be some report.
TATER Sir we’re telling you the truth, we saw what we saw.
MCHANNEY Is that right son. Let me tell you something, every time I have to take a
report about some flying saucer, or a hairy man with flaming red eyes, It’s bad enough
the troubles this county is facing. We don’t need all of Jasco running around scared it’s
bad out there. Places closing up and people can’t afford the rent on their homes, why jest
the other day Mrs. Petersen was on her front porch, poor dear looked all thin and dried up
eating something out of a can, it looked like tuna, until I walked up to her to say howdy
there she was eating Happy Kitty Delight. I have to stop and ask myself this question, is
it me or is it this wacked out town full of hyped up delusional nonsense! Now if you
come here fixing this here woman’s flat tire, than do so, other wise knock it off.
COOTER Yes sir.
MCHANNEY O-kie doh-kie, Edith I be seening you and I’ll file that bear report.
(He exits off ) a sound of a car is heard driving out of the trailer park)
COOTER Sorry Ma’am, I never should of opened my big mouth sheriff being sensitive
and all. I knew no one would believe me.
EDITH I believe ya, on a count of there has been some strange goings on around here
lately.
TATER Ain’t that the truth.
SKEETER I wonder how many people saw that thing.
TATER Probably the whole Jasco County.
EDITH Well you boys are the first to say anything about anything, Sheriff Mchanney he
don’t mean no disrespect. He’s a nice man, but he eats way too much chocolate. He’s
24
been here his whole life, knows the whole county, and doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s
loosing a handle on things, Jasco is changing.
SKEETER That’s for sure. It’s getting weirder and weirder around here.
Mr. Mackey enters looking for something he might have left behind as he does he over
hears the next section of dialog
TATER Weird is right. We got flying dish things flying around, and who knows what
little green men will be testing on human subjects of Jasco. Poking ‘em, pinching ‘em,
poking ‘em, pinching them. And probing them…Hard.
Mr Mackey enters around the trailer he carries a small plastic bag contents unknown.
MACKEY Oh say Edith I’m going to be off the property. I think I might of washed my
cell phone by mistake. if I did the damn thing went through the whole wash cycle. Oh
Gary is going to kill me, I ran over the last one I had at the grocery store shouldn’t have
had my eye on that cute bag boy. Oh I wish he would of bagged me. It’s the second
phone this week. I’m doing too much at the same time, I was caught up with these calls
coming in, people seeing strange stuff going out here. I can’t make heads or tails about it,
bear attacks, strange noises at night, anyway I’ll be back shorty…June went home she has
digestion problems, so there won’t be any one in the office.
SKEETER Did you see it?
MACKEY My phone?
SKEETER No the flying dish thing in the sky?
MACKEY Excuse me?
EDITH motions for Skeeter to say nothing about such a thing.
COOTER Howdy I’m Cooter Thompson. We’re from the towing company.
we’re here to fix the trailer tire.
MACKEY Hi I’m Mr. Mackey I over see everything here at Starry Sky Trailer Home
Park.I have been working desperately to bring the property up to code and at least a two
star rating
EDITH Stop trying.
(At this moment Tammy enters, she carries bags of groceries)
TAMMY Grandma I’m back.
25
EDITH Tammy Did you get my cokes?
TAMMY Yep got ‘em on sale a twenty four pack at $1.99
EDITH Good girl.
TAMMY You Boys want a soda?
SKEETER No thank you ma’am.
MACKEY I could go for one, if it’s diet.
EDITH I don’t drink diet.
COOTER We better get started.
EDITH Oh be careful of Mr. Chubbs he’s still drying after a bad run in with a bear last
night.
SKEETER You have a dog?
EDITH A garden gnome.
COOTER A what?
TATER It’s a small person that lives in a forest and wears a pointy hat, a little statue
looking thing.
SKEETER Creepy.
Mr. Mackey’s cell phone ring she looks at the caller id on the phone.
MACKEY Oh I found my phone it was stuck in my under wear.
EDITH I didn’t hear it ring.
MACKEY I had it on vibrate It’s Gary I have to go …Oh when you’re done with those
soda cans remember to put them in a recycle bin marked recycle.
.
He exits out.
EDITH Oh that man makes my hemorrhoids flare up.
TAMMY Grandma everything all right?
EDITH Yeah honey (she hands her a can soda)
26
TAMMY Grandma I pumped the toilet this morning so we can use the batroom.
EDITH Thank you honey.
TAMMY Oh Mrs Carmack left a message she wanted to know if her cat Jo-Jo was
hanging around here.
EDITH No I haven’t seen her cat, I haven’t seen any cat.
TAMMY Want me to call her back and tell her we haven’t seen any cats?
EDITH No I’ll do it. I owe her a phone call. What the hell is going on around here?
Tammy goes back in the trailer, while Edith takes another swig out from her flask
TAMMY I’ll finish putting the groceries away. And pumping the toilet again.
Edith takes out her liquor flask and pours some alcohol in it then follows Tammy inside
SKEETER Dang it!
TATER I told you Skeeter to go before we left.
Mr. Hermanns walks buy with a large trash bag.
(Off: COOTER come quick! Skeeter got himself caught in his zipper
TATER What?
COOTER His weiner!
MR HERMANN Pervs!
(He exits out with the Trash bag)
Cooter enters then as he exits out
COOTER I don’t know why I take them out in public
TAMMY( from inside the trailer) Phone Grandma!
EDITH I’m Coming.
Joan enters with more white rocks in her wheel barrel
JOAN Hello.
27
TATER Howdy.
JOAN And your are?
TATER I’m Tater
JOAN Sure you are.
TATER Huh?
She moves behind him looking at him closely and uses a strange looking device to scan
him over.
JOAN Twenty three year old male, red hair, hmm a possibility.
TATER What is that thing?.
JOAN Nice to meet you Mr. Potato (She exits off with her wheel barrel)
TATER Nice meeting you.
They continue to repair the flat tire with tire jack, etc, etc.
Cooter pauses in his tracks and stands thinking
SKEETER Cooter what’s the matter?
COOTER I was thinking what we see back there on the road.
SKEETER I know what I saw on the road or up in the sky.
COOTER I know that, I’m just saying, you think it’s real?
SKEETER I believe it’s real U.F.O. and that weird stinky monkey thing.
COOTER I still don’t know , all that stuff the sheriff said about the town.
SKEETER Yeah I know.
COOTER But he don’t believe the stink man is real.
SKEETER Yeah, he didn’t or maybe he does.
COOTER Maybe.
28
SKEETER What are you thinking?
COOTER I have an idea, an idea that could make us money, hell the whole town money.
TATER Dang it I need help over here.
SKEETER Hold on, I’m a coming, what ya need?
TATER Some body git me the lug wrench. (As he walks forward we hear a crunching
noise under his foot) And some glue.
COOTER What?
TATER I jest step on one of those gnome people!
SCENE 4
EDITH & TAMMY sit out side it’s dark we can hear crickets in the back ground and the
wind as it downs down as the two are seated in the their lawn chairs Tammy moves the
Camp gas light over as she puts her feet on the old crate. While Edith stares at TV as a
commercial plays. Edith turns away from her as she another snort of whiskey from her
flask.
TV COMMERICAL- VOICE
Hungry, your belly growling like an angry bear in heat, then come on down to The spit
A wholesome and healthy way to eat Bar-B-Q Style, that’s right chunks of red meat
Flamed to perfection, in any style you want, so hush up that angry Bear Gut and git in
your truck and come on down and grab a hunk of slab and dig in, chilins eat free on
Wednesday so bring the whole family to The Spit just off hi-way 65. next to Wilburns
Boot Emporium.
Edith turns the channel with the remote to the TV.
VOICE Previously on Sand Angles,
MAN’S VOICE You have cheated on me the last time Amanda and to think mom baked
you cookies.
WOMAN VOICE So what TeeVee and I want to let you in on something your
Mother and I did it in your room on your Star Wars sheets.
TAMMY Oh that Bitch.
WOMAN”S VOICE Get down Brea she’s got a gun (gun shots are heard)
29
DOCTOR’S VOICE Her Bones where found in the back yard, if it wasn’t for her dog
Hobo, I don’t think police would have found her.
EDITH Oh I miss that episode, oh that poor woman.
TAMMY I knew that was going to happen.
EDITH We’ll have to microwave popcorn I don’t want to miss that episode.
TAMMY Grandma, turn it up.
YOUNGS GIRL’S VOICE So can we just be friends if we make love?
YOUNG MAN VOICE Okay, but let me shower and brush my teeth first.
MUSIC SOUNDS
VOICE It all starts Friday at eight.
Edith surfs the TV Channel again
WOMAN’S VOICE I’m a joint sufferer just bending down to get the morning paper is
agony.
MAN’S VOICE : COMMERICAL Taking Jointol may cause bleeding gums,
blindness, insomnia, and hypertension, patients should not take jointol with ice cream or
blood thinners may also cause loose stool.
Edith surfs channel again.
CREEPY VOICE : COMMERIAL They live in darkness, and feed on human blood
and for them time is running out, and there’s no place no where to hide. Until they could
find another way to survive for another century among the living, the only way they new
how. Skating into the hearts of millions every week. From the director of Blue Ice in
Hell comes a thriller for the masses, Vampires on Ice. This film is not yet rated. Starts
this Friday in theatres.
EDITH Another vampire movie.
Another channel that Edith flips to
COMMERICAL: Next week on The Town Gourmet things heat up on the town and at
the dinner table.
COOK’S VOICE Mr. Gourmet I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think of my walking
taco and it doesn’t need more spice, you need a green tea enema!
30
COMMERICAL VOICE And that’s just the tip of the tooth pick.
GOURMET This is not soup!
LADY COOK What are you saying you hack of a critic! I’m a world renowned chef!
GOURMET I’ve eaten free at many places and I certainly have tasted a lot better in a lot
cleaner restaurants and yours lady, is far more the greases pit in the nation!
LADY Get the (BEEP) OUT!!
COMERICAL VOICE It’s the season final you don’t want to miss
Edith turns down the volume on the TV
TAMMY Mr. Mackey called here again and said Mrs. Ẅuttersen is missing her cat
Butter balls.
EDITH Strange, I think the animal control is on to her about having so many cats.
TAMMY No that’s Mr. Wu.
Mr. Hermanns enters he carries a small black trash bag. He walks passed Edith and
Tammy.
EDITH Evening Mr. Hermanns.
MR. HERMANNS Evening..
EDITH Nice night out huh?
MR. HERMANNS Yes very.
TAMMY I think it’s creepy out if you ask me.
MR. HERMANNS I like it.
EDITH Uh huh.
MR HERMANNS (He starts off then stops and hits back with stick) Quiet!
He exits with black trash bag
TAMMY Grandma what’s going on around here?
31
EDITH What do you mean honey?
TAMMY People’s cats missing, we have a bear attack our trailer in the middle of the
night. Lights in the sky, well that’s what Mrs Grayson says, she said the lights in the sky
took her cat away, and now this monster thing.
EDITH Tammy darling pay no attention to these people here in this park they don’t
know what’s going on in this town.
TAMMY Sheriff does.
EDITH That he does. But don’t let them people wear your nerves thin.
TAMMY You’re right grandma.
She stands up and moves her chair away from Edith and folds it up and places against
the trailer.
TAMMY I better get to bed, work comes early.( She exits into the trailer)
EDITH Okay honey sleep tight.
Edith takes out her liquor flask and takes another sip out of it, she turns on the TV and
with her remote scans for a TV Program, a commercial plays:
COMMERICAL VOICE: Like day time soaps? Then try them at night spending time
with Barnabas Collins in Dark Shadows as Retro Television premiers the once day time
vampire soap opera to air this October. Now that is something to sink your teeth into.
As the commercial plays on there is a noise in the back ground Edith turns the TV off.
Mr. Mackey comes snooping about scaring Edith to wears she drops her flask
EDITH Ah!!!!
MACKEY Ah!!!!
EDITH Shit! Mr. Mackey don’t do that you almost gave me a coronary and git that flash
light out of my eyes!
MACKEY Sorry.
EDITH What the hell are you sneaking around here at this time of night? (She bends
down to pick up her flask and puts it away in her dress pocket.)
MACKEY I thought I would investigate, get some answers why all these cats come up
missing.
32
EDITH Well any luck?
MACKEY I don’t know yet, but there were strange lights up in the sky tonight, I never
saw anything like it, they were blue, yellow, and pink, well they could have been pink or
gray or even green, I’m a little color blind, and they were swirling around like a merry go
around. Like this and then like this and then they did this and then they did some kind of
thing waved around like this, and then it flew off like this. (Shows them what the lights
were doing in the sky)
EDITH You been smoking pot?
MACKEY Well I use to when I was young….No not tonight, Edith it’s getting weird
around here.
EDITH You’re telling me.
MACKEY I did check out Mr. Hermans Place.
EDITH Mr. Hermanns doesn’t have a cat.
MACKEY Does he.
EDITH What do you mean?
MACKEY I mean there were bowls of food, not just any cheap cat food, Gourmet cat
food and not just from a 99 cent store either. He’s up to something…I can feel it in my in
my lower intestines
EDITH Mr. Mackey, Mr. Hermanns likes cats, and doesn’t matter what cat food he puts
out for them to eat. He might be strange at times, just like you, but he likes cats.
MACKEY Yeah, and I bet he’s in some kind of ring selling cats for drugs.
EDITH What?
MACKEY I spoke with Joan she told me all.
EDITH And you believe that?
MACKEY I have to go on something. I look bad as manager to the people of this trailer
park.
EDITH Mr. Mackey, listen Joan is a strange lady herself, and what does she know about
cats for drugs. Silly, go home get some sleep and stop worry about these missing cats
they will show up.
33
MACKEY Yeah in a black trash bags in front of my office door.
EDITH Good Night Mr. Mackey (She exits into her trailer)
A moment goes by and there is a humming noise and Mr. Mackey looks about and then a
flash of lights around him and a pale blue beam of light is piercing down on him.
MACKEY I can’t move, must call for help, Oh shit!( He freezes and then the he
disappears the light is out. Edith opens her door from the trailer and looks about and
shut the door.
The scene fades out and light out all except the camp gas light on crate Edith doses off.
There is a noise in the back ground , then another then a growl, then another the big foot
Creature moves in slowly and stands over Edith and Growls loud. Edith jumps in fear.
The creature yells back and Edith repast the same. Then the Trailer light comes on and
the Creature is Gone.
EDITH Ah!!!….TAMMY.
TAMMY What is it Grandma what did you see?
EDITH Oh… Nothing.
TAMMY Come on you must of saw something for you to scream like that, was it, that
bear back again for food.
EDITH No, I think just dosed off and I was dreaming…ah just a nightmare honey.
TAMMY That didn’t sound light a night mare, I know your nightmares you scream out
bingo numbers in your sleep.
EDITH Those are nightmares I never win. Ok I’m coming in. (She raises and goes inside
the trailer)
They go inside and the Bigfoot creature moves out from behind the trailer grunts and
Looks at the trailer a moment with another grunt and holding in it’s hand a garden
gnome
Snapping off it’s head.
BLACK OUT
34
SCENE 5
12:45am crickets are hears in the distance all is quiet for a moment then we hear a cat
scream break the silence. Tammy opens the trailer door and steps outside and looks
about, she takes a few steps out then sees Edith’s empty Flask on the from lawn she
smells the flask and she goes back inside the trailer. The creature is back, he picks up the
garden gnome and picks it inside the B.B.Q then he shakes the trailer as before. From
inside the trailer we hear the voices of Tammy & Edith.
EDITH TAMMY!
TAMMY (Daze) Huh? What? Grandma?
EDITH It’s Back!
TAMMY Oh no the bear.
EDITH Hold on!
TAMMY Holding!
(Joan walks by and see the Creature and stops)
JOAN Are you back, go on git. Go on get out of here.
She hands him a candy bar, he sniffs is and nods and walks off, screams are heard as the
big foot creature exits out.
Mr. Hermanns walks with a loarge black trash bag the creature re-appears but a smaller
version it’s one of the Jasco brothers Skeeter in a costume. Mr. Hermanns spots the
creature and tries to scream, but can’t he is frozen in his tracks, the creature growls and
yells then Mr. Hermanns runs off as fast as he can but it is slow pace the creature speaks
SKEETER BOO!
35
MR. HERMANNS AH! SHIT! (He swings his black trash bag at Skeeter the he is
finally off, then Joan sees the creature in front of here Skeeter growls the best he can
scare her.Joan takes out a can of spray of unknown contentrs and srpays it at Skeeter.
SKEETER Ah!!!…(He coughs and staggers out of sight)
EDITH (Opening the trailer door cautiously she spots Joan) Joan, what on earth are you
doing out hear when there is a bear attacking us again…wait a damn minute what are you
doing out here?
JOAN Taking a walk.
EDITH Joan did you see something out here…Ewww what is that smell?
JOAN Sewage.
TAMMY Oh yuck!
JOAN I can not wait to get off this planet.
She exits out: A man screaming is heard.
EDITH Who or what is screaming?
Mr. Hermanns walks by them quickly
EDITH Mr. Hearmanns, who is screaming, was that you?
MR HERMANNS Yes!…Hairy thing chasing me.
EDITH What? What’s chasing you?
HERMANNS Big hairy thing with Big red eyes.
TAMMY What thing?
HERMANNS I got to call the sheriff.
EDITH Mr. Hermanns maybe that was just an owl you saw they’re all over here in these
parts.
HERMANNS I never seen a hoot owl growl. I’m gitt’n on home and barricade myself in
my trailer.
TAMMY What’s he doing?
36
EDITH Mr. Hermanns you all right?
MR. HERMANNS I need to git my gun out
TAMMY Mr. Hermanns did you take your meds?
MR. HERMANNS Son of bitch won’t make me mess myself again. Come on out you
fuck!
EDITH Mr. Heramanns.
MR. HERMANNS Back in my day we didn’t have monsters just Frankenstein and the
Wolfman and Dracula, oh and the Mummy, Boris Karloff played the mummy and
Frankenstein…Too! (He exits out)
TAMMY What is he talking about?
EDITH Mr. Hermanns…
MR HERMANNS Can’t talk now…wet diaper?
EDITH He’s a nice man, but he wets himself.
He exits out
TAMMY Grandma get back in here
EDITH What?
TAMMY Bear remember?
EDITH Right. (She stops and checks her bath robe for her flask, then as if she
remembered she looks on the ground for it but Tammy stops her.)
TAMMY looking for this?
EDITH Looking for what?
TAMMY Don’t be coy with me grandma.
EDITH What I’m looking for is my soda, I was drinking out here earlier.
TAMMY Really.
EDITH Well.
37
TAMMY Grandma you have to give up the whiskey. It’s going to kill you.
EDITH So I drink a little…a lot.
Tammy pulls out from here pocket a few pictures of a family member.
TAMMY I found these sealed envelopes I think they have pictures in them I picked up
off the floor of the trailer when we first had the bear encounter they seemed to fell out of
your family album, I didn’t opened them I’m wasn’t being nosy grandma.
EDITH Oh I’ take those honey.
TAMMY What are they? Pictures?
EDITH Well , they are… Oh they are pictures of your Aunt Effie she sent me from when
she was visiting up north at that nudist colony I forget the town though.
TAMMY I don’t need to see those.
EDITH Say Did Mrs. Grayson ever call back about her cat?
TAMMY No.
EDITH Oh.
TAMMY Something weird is happening around her.
EDITH You’re telling me.
There is a loud animal growl Edith Makes a dash into her trailer
Then there is a gun shot heard in the distance,
EDITH Who the hell is shootin’ a gun?
Another shot is heard.
TAMMY Come on Grandma let’s get back inside.
EDITH This place has gone insane.
TAMMY I say so, come on let’s get you back inside.
EDITH I need to get my soda.
38
TAMMY Forget the soda, come on.
JOAN (Enters from the left side of the trailer) I heard a weapon fire is there a raid?
TAMMY Shit Joan you scared me.
JOAN Sorry I heard loud weapon noses being fired. Is there danger?
TAMMY I say so.
EDITH Better git inside Joan don’t want be out here when some idiot is firing a gun.
TAMMY Ture! Joan what are you doing carrying more white painted rocks?
JOAN I Need more to complete visit.
EDITH What the hell are you talking about?
TAMMY Get home Joan!
JOAN Soon, very soon I leave. (She exits out with her white painted rocks)
Mchanney enters from the side of the trailer.
Edith and Tammy become starled.
EDITH Shit! Sheriff it’s you, got out here pretty quick didn’t you?
TAMMY Yeah.
MCHANNEY I was cruising the area and I git this call about some one out here firing a
gun?
EDITH We just heard two or three shots.
TAMMY Two Grandma.
EDITH Three and I think a fourth maybe five.
TAMMY (motions that she has been drinking tonight to the sheriff) Okay more than two.
MCHANNEY I better go see what the commotion is all about, probably some sauced up
trucker who didn’t get his glory hole milk tonight.
He exits out
39
BLACK OUT END OF ACT I
ACT II
The next morning David arrives and is seen looking about he is a studious young looking
man of his late 20’s he wears a black blazer white shirt, and light brown shoes,and
glasses on his face.Hhe carries a note book , he reads a note pad as if there is a address
written on it. He then knocks on Ediths’ door and steps back and looks about then
Tammy answers the door.
TAMMY Hello, what can I do for ya?
DAVID Tammy?
TAMMY David, is that you?
DAVID Hi.
TAMMY What on earth are you doing here? I haven’t seen you since high school.
DAVID Same here.
TAMMY David I’m surprised.
DAVID Me too, I didn’t think you still lived here.
TAMMY I’ve been here ever since you left, just me and Grandma. She occasionally asks
about you, She would love to see you, but she left to visit my Grandpa Leon’s grave this
afternoon, she visits once a week.
DAVID Your brother Jimmy still around?
TAMMY My brother?
40
DAVID Yeah you did have a brother right?
TAMMY David, I really don’t know it’s been so long ago since he left, Grandma thinks
he joined the army, I think maybe he ran away met some people joined the circus.
Seriously I don’t know.
DAVID Did you ever get married to that guy back in high school?
TAMMY Skip? He turned out to be a jerk, he peed on our lawn, and ran off with his
brother Rex.
DAVID Wow, you look great.
TAMMY Thanks so do you. Say how’s folks doing?
DAVID Oh they still live in the same house and occasionally they take trips from time to
time to the Bermuda Triangle, some times I don’t see them for months or even years.
TAMMY Really?
DAVID Ya’ know I forget how long it’s been, since the last time I saw you, about five
years ago?
TAMMY Since you left and moved out to the big city, you did move to
The city?
DAVID I did.
TAMMY Try fifteen years ago.
DAVID That long ago?
TAMMY Too long ago.
DAVID Are you still working at the local diner?
TAMMY Spoons? No I quit that cruddy job long ago, Peter Lou, kept showing me his
peter. And to tell you the truth I can’t remember if I saw it or not.
DAVID That guy was always a creep even back in high school especially in P.E.
TAMMY I’m working at Jasco Storage, just last month I became a supervisor.
DAVID That’s great.
41
TAMMY And did you ever pursue that career as veterinarian?
DAVID No I became a writer for the city paper.
TAMMY Really?
DAVID Yep.
TAMMY So David.
DAVID Tammy.
TAMMY Just what are you doing here?
DAVID I’m here for a story.
TAMMY Pull up a chair I have tons of stories.
DAVID I bet you do, I’m here to investigate the Stink-Man, Big foot creature story that
everyone one is screaming about.
TAMMY I bet it was that big mouth Mr. Mackey.
DAVID So is it real?
TAMMY David I can not say, but who knows, I do know one thing my grandma and I
had a visitor a couple of nights ago that attacked our trailer.
DAVID This so-called Bigfoot creature?
TAMMY Call it what you will, every one has a name for it Big Foot, the Stink Man,
Monkey Demon, but frankly I still think it was a hungry bear wondered in here looking
for food, and everyone one is up in arms about this whole monster thing.
DAVID I have eye witness reports that not just a bear but several people have seen this
thing stalking the county.
TAMMY Really?
DAVID Yep.
TAMMY Interesting. You believe it.
DAVID I believe it will make an interesting story, and off the record, My beliefs in this
legendary creature are nothing more than a tourist attraction for a local towns that need
42
extra money to keep the hotels and restaurants alive and maybe a place on the map.
Mention a haunted place, or monster, people want to see it for themselves.
TAMMY Yeah.
DAVID It reminds me of Orson Wells radio version of H.G.Wells War of the Worlds
remember the movie on T.V.? Where people believed the Martians were taking over the
earth and the whole thing started a panic, all the chaos in the streets, and it was just a
dramatized radio show with actors reading a script in a studio. Same thing with this
Jasco Monster thing.
TAMMY So you’re saying it’s not real.
DAVID Say what you will, I’m just here to get the story.
TAMMY Right just the facts and the testimonials here and there, makes a great story.
DAVID Exactly and Jasco is one of those little towns that wants to be on the map and if
it’s a monster attacking trailer parks, then more than likely the news will get of hold of it
and put Jasco on the map.
TAMMY You got a point. So are you here just for the day?
DAVID No I’m here for a couple of days.
TAMMY Oh.
DAVID You look great.
TAMMY So you said, I don’t mind hearing it again. You always did give great
compliments, you were always cute. What happened with us?
DAVID I don’t know, I guess we just didn’t notice each other. I busy working at my
parents restaurant, I hated busing tables and washing dishes after school.
TAMMY And I was busy helping my grandpa and working at spoons. A grease pit well
we have something in common.
DAVID Say can I buy you a cup of coffee and we can catch up on old times.
TAMMY Is this a date?
DAVID It can be, if you want it to?
TAMMY Say, did you ever get married to Jenny Hartner?
43
DAVID No.
TAMMY Why?
DAVID I rather not say.
TAMMY She was weird huh?
DAVID Well…
TAMMY I knew it, she looked the type. Just her hair alone said it all.
DAVID That was a part of it.
TAMMY And she was a witch!
DAVID I can think of another word.
TAMMY No a real witch, she had a broom.
DAVID I didn’t know she did, until she sacrificed our parakeet Peanut.
TAMMY Oh my.
DAVID And a couple of my brother’s hamsters, that we were suppose to be watching
while he was away in Denmark, poor little Teddy and Bernice.
TAMMY I can’t wait to hear more of this, I’ll get my coat.
Tammy grabs her coat and they are out
A moment passes Skeeter, who is in a gorilla costume, followed by his tow brothers Tater
and Cooter the stop and look about the park, Tater snaps a picture of Skeeter in the
gorilla suite.
COOTER That’s it Skeeter walk more like a monkey, which shouldn’t be too much of a
stretch for ya. Tater keep an eye out in case one of these blue hairs comes around the
corner.
SKEETER It’s getting hot in this thing. I don’t want to do this any more. I missing shark
week! You scare these people.
COOTER That’s because you’re not having fun at it. Now try this, wave your arms
around and walk more like a primitive monkey, no, no, not like a crippled
monkey…Tater get that camera ready and take some pictures!
44
TATER Skeeter hold your hands up like claws and turn this way with the teeth all out
and stuff.
SKEETER Like this?
TATER Yeah like that.
SKEETER Wait I don’t think this will work.
COOTER What do you mean, won’t work?
SKEETER I heard some one say this thing is sixteen feet tall, I’m not even near that.
TATER Look, as creepy as this sounds, the thing had babies and you are a baby Bigfoot.
COOTER Yeah. a little baby big foot.
SKEETER This suite is making my ass itch!
TATER It’s not the suit, you probably didn’t wipe yourself good.
COOTER Yeah and Skeeter if you wreck yourself leave it in the suite it will bring out
the realism of the you being the stink-man.
SKEETER What?
TATER We have to make it look, and smell real.
SKEETER I ain’t doing it, fuck it! Get me out of this shit suite!
COOTER Skeeter knock it off some one might see us!
SKEETER Why are we doing this for?
COOTER I told you two before we get photos of Skeeter in the suite and post ‘em all
over the place, get this thing on the internet soon this place will be in a frenzy people
coming all over the place just to get a glimpse Tourist every where, and plenty of rich
weirdoes spending money lots of money and soon we can fix all the flat trailer tires we
want, money in the bank boys!
TATER Right then we can by a new truck.
SKEETER Four new trucks one for each of us.
COOTER Right git going on the picture taking, we got scaring to do!
45
SCENE 2
Channel 13 News
ALYCIA Good evening Jasco I’m Alysia StoneWeed and you’re watching the Channel
13 news at six. Our top story tonight they live among us and have been seen by many
eye witness here in Jasco County. Some residence have been visited by them and even
attacked. The legendary Big foot has made an appearance and was thought to be a
mythological creature that needed strong evidence to exist. Reporting more on the topic
is Ron St.Jean Ron.
RON Thank you Alycia The county’s residence is what appears to be some kind of
panic. Serveral of the locals claim the creature has been seen looking into windows,
as a peeking Tom and flattening trailer tires and stealing beer out of ice coolers. One
resident said he will not let this monster steal his beer.
News clip of local resident Jake Haskel
JAKE I know one thing everyboby call’n this stink man or the whatever man no man is
gonna steal my beer not without a ass full of gun shot. You hear me stink-man
I will shot you! Mother(BEEP) fucker I will shoot you!
ALYCIA Some technical difficulties there. Okay, with us now live on the scene is our
very own news team Kurt Howard and
Karen StandWeed
Live on the scene the news team is in front of Edith’s trailer park and Camera crew with
lights and such. Tater, Cooter and Skeeter who are in the midst of repairing another flat
tire on Edith Trailer, Ed Hermans and Joan are being interviewed by the news media,
While Sam Augustine and a man in his later forties. He is dressed in hunting camouflage
clothing, He sets up cameras around the tress and looks out with his binoculars.
KAREN Thank you Ron I’m here within the local residents of the Stary Sky Trailer
Park, here with me is Joan who at first hand had an encounter with the creature, ma’am
in your own words what was the creature like.
JOAN I didn’t see the bear.
KAREN So this Bear-Man beast attacked you while you were taking a midnight stroll
through the park as part of your weight loss program.
JOAN I have to go I had too much chocolate…No bear here.
KAREN She has been shaken up by the attack. Sir can you describe the creature.
MR. HERMANNS Yes.
46
KAREN Sir and you are?
MR HERMANNS My name is Ed Hermanns.
KAREN And what did you see?
MR. HERMANNS I saw this hairy ass man standing sixteen feet tall, it yelled at me and
I yell back, I said hey you son of a bitch git out of here, and stop digging in our trash.
KAREN Then what happen after you confronted the creature?
MR. HERMANNS I crapped myself.
KAREN Scary.
Sheriff Mchanney appears he is looking about and taken back a little by the news media.
Kurt Howard approaches the sheriff who doesn’t seem in the mood for cameras and news
folk on the scene.
HOWARD Here with us is the local sheriff.
MCHANNEY Get that camera out of my face.
HOWARD Sir what is the law doing to protect these people?
MCHANNEY Listen we are doing all we can to protect these people, and there hasn’t
been no real harm to them.
HOWARD A man says he was beaten by the creature and he crapped himself, what
about that.
MCHANNEY If you don’t get that camera out of my face you’re gonna crap your pants!
HOWARD I’m Kurt Howard and this is eye live on 13 news.
KAREN Ma’am your name?
EDITH I’m Edith Talbot.
KAREN Edith you were the first one to have the creature attack your trailer and flatten
your tires and have all your cereal eaten and your garden gnomes crashed.
47
EDITH Yes that much is true, but to tell you the truth I realized it’s just an old bear that
was hungry looking for food…and liquor I can say that can I?
KAREN You can say anything to bring this creature behind bars. Kurt.
KURT Thanks Karen standing next to me, are the Jasco Brothers towing company
COOTER And repair, we also repair things, we’re located at 315 East Hoochie Avenue,
off the 65 freeway. We’re in the yellow book.
KURT There has been many sightings of this creature have you seen it first hand?
COOTER I seen it up close, teeth all bloody with meat stuck in between them and there
is more than one.
TATER A whole nest of ‘em. I saw one of them clawed my wife’s car with its thick
hairy claws like this (He shows the Kurt and the camera crew is re-enactment)
SKEETER And it feeds on cats.
KURT Have you had an encounter with the creature known to many as the stink-man
SKEETER It’s no man it a monkey demon thing with eyes all glowing red, and hair all
flared up and teeth sharp as steak knives and it smells like sour piss.
COOTER Yeah it was so strong smelling I nearly fell backward.
TATER Dogs run from it.
MCHANNEY That’s enough boys. Now you people got what you want no git!
I said Git!
KAREN I’m Karen StandWeed, reporting live.
KURT And I’m Kurt Howard live on the seen, now back to you Alycia in the studio.
KAREN I need a drink.
KURT Meet me in van. Sweet Baby Jesus look at that guy.
KAREN Get the cameras!
But before they rap-(Mr. Mackey enters through the muck of things in his underwear
dazed and confused. Mchanney spot him)
MACKEY Where am I?
48
The sheriff spots him he quickly goes to him
MCHANNEY Mackey,what the Fuck!
MACKEY Huh?
MCHANNEY Get some clothes on man!
MACKEY (Breaks down in front of all ) No not the probe…You green fellas have to
stop I’m sore…They do exsit!…oh Mama!
MCHANNEY For God sakes Mackey pull yourself together!
KAREN Back on the scene live I’m Karen StoneWeed, I have a gentleman here that
appears to wearing only his dirty soiled underwear, it appears that the stink-man tried to
mate with this man.
MACKEY It hurt me.
KURT It Penetrated him…to the point where he almost passed out.
MCHANNEY Get that those cameras out here!
They start to gather equipment.
MACKEY I need an icepack (He starts off)
MCHANNEY Mackey you have pushed your last button! Now git on home and wash
yourself.
MACKEY I don’t know if I can bend down to get the soap.
He exits out. The news team gathers up cameras and cables, etc and exit out.,
MCHANNEY Edith were did these people come from?
COOTER It’s the monster, people are flocking here like cat fish bobbing for stale
popcorn on a hot summer’s day.
MCHANNEY Is that so.
TATER Yep and they’re here spending lots money just to get a picture of the hairy thing.
SKEETER Uh huh lots of money, good for the town I hear. Cooter elbows Skeeter in the
side)
49
MCHANNEY Really?
COOTER And there are foot print casts of the thing.
TATER Hair samples too.
They get back to work on changing the flat tire.
EDITH I guess it’s true Sheriff town is scattered like a swam of misquotes feasting on
kids at a camp ground.
MCHANNEY I guess I’m gonna have to investigate this.
He adjusts his belt and pulls up his pants and starts out
BLACK OUT
Out of now where appears Guy Augustine a handsome rugged man in his late forties, he
is dress the part of a out back hunter ready for action, dress in khaki pants, vest,
binoculars around his neck, sun glasses that cover his eyes, boots, hunting knife, and a
utility hunting belt, and a thick cigar that sticks out one side of his mouth. He scouts
around checking the ground picks up leaves and so forth as he investigates the
surrounding trailer par for animals tracks, he bends down to pick up an animal dropping
smells it then tastes it, then he put is in a plastic bag. David &Tammy enter back from the
their coffee meeting.
Scene 3
DAVID She might have been a witch, but it sure was fun seeing her friends all naked and
dancing around their camp fire.
TAMMY I bet.
DAVID Who is that?
TAMMY I don’t know?
DAVID Who the hell are you?
AUSTUTINE Guy Augustine, I been tracking this creature for over ten years, well just
part time here and there. When I get the funding. And the closes I’ve gotten to it was
about twelve feet away, when it was squatted down doing its business in the woods, and
suddenly it saw me and became angry, and charged me like a rhino in heat.
50
TAMMY What?
AUGUSTINE The creature is on the move,(He bends down to smell the ground) I
picked up it’s scent a mile back and found hair samples and animal scat?
TAMMY Animal what?
AUSTUSTINE digested hair and bone of it’s kill.
TAMMY It’s what?
DAVID Animal shit.
TAMMY Are you reporter?
AUGUSTINE No, I'm a Crypto zoologist and Sasquatch hunter.
DAVID I’m a reporter, I’m David Wells, I’m here for a few days to get at least a story
on the monster.
TAMMY I still believe it was a bear that attacked our trailer, why does everyone believe
it’s a monster?
AUGUSTINE I hear at least ten people here in the area saw the thing.
DAVID Really?
AUGUSTINE I’ve yet to capture one, or at least one on film.
TAMMY This whole thing is blown way out of proportion.
DAVID There has to be plausible explanation to this whole story, if not a hoax of
some sort.
AUGUSTINE I would think the same but, I have my own reasons to believe this thing is
been scouting the area not for food, but it might have grudge on this park.
TAMMY What?
AUSTUSTINE I mean animals are loosing there environment caused by man and maybe
this trailer park has invaded the space of this creature. And it wants to take it back, I’ve
seen it all before with the mountain lion, bears, wolves and even squirrels…Yes
squirrels, they have been known to thrown acorns at people cars.
Augustine starts to move about as he puts a tracking camera on a near by tree
51
As he is does this he is without knowing that he has just tied his harm around with the
camera to the tree.
DAVID That sounds logical.
TAMMY You’re not believing this stoner are you?
AUGUSTINE Very well could be as I said before could be a personal thing with the
creature by setting up this tracking camera I will be able to get what proof I need that
this creature is still in the area.
DAVID Proof of getting a picture of the thing?
AUGUSTINE Right. Damn it could you give me a hand I’ve seem to have wrapped this
strap around my arm ah! (He sneezes, once)
TAMMY Bless you.
Then another sneeze
TAMMY Bless you.
AUGUSTINE I should have taken…(Sneezes) My…Sneezes…Damn! (Sneezes)… ah!
(Sneezes) My… (sneezes)…Pills (sneezes, the he quickly draws his stun gun and pulls the
triggers and
DAVID Allergies?
AUGUSTINE No, I only sneeze when these creatures are nearby, get down low, and stay
still (Sneezes) it might see (Sneezes) You!
Augustine rolls on to the ground in a solider of fortune fashion with his stun gun in hand
he cross to the tree and stands up hiding behind it with his binoculars out swiping the
area of the park.
AUGUSTINE Damn!…(Sneezes)
TAMMY I think you scare it away with all that sneezing.
AUGUSTINE It’ll be back I can smell it ( He smells the air) it was here stalking us like
prey does, like the walrus to the helpless penguin. Like a nuclear bomb to roaches like.
TAMMY We get it. (To David) is this guy for real?
52
AUGUSTINE I’ll set premature boundaries sprinkle powder down around the trailer for
foot prints if he’s out here we’ll know and by the size of the creature is when he steps on
the powder.
He takes out powder from a small pouch in his vest and throws some down on the
ground.
TAMMY Is that safe?
AUGUSTINE It won’t hurt the creature.
TAMMY What about people, what about me and my grandmother, huh?
AUGUSTINE It’s organic.
DAVID (To Tammy) I think he been smoking organic.
AUGUSTINE Okay we should set our watches and I’ll set this camera until the next
hour or so or hours, or days until the creature resurfaces in the area.
TAMMY Yeah.
DAVID Then what?
AUGUSTINE Then we wait, every body knows that (He finishes the camera set up and
exits out) Better get to a safe place, I’ll leave my camera and fine powder do it’s magic,
if you need me I’ll be scouting the nearby areas. The hi-way is good place maybe the
creature has been trailing along the hi-way for a hand-out, or just trying to get to the other
side of the street. Dude, this reminds me of when I was high as kite on a hand full of
mushrooms, I was dancing naked twirling a baton, right front a bunch of Jehovah
witness at McDonalds. .
He exits out.
TAMMY Okay…Where do these people come from? This whole town has turned upside
down.
DAVID Makes a good story.
TAMMY For you, and a headache for me.
DAVID I have to go back into town get some more answers and who knows what else I
might run into, Can I call you later?
TAMMY Of course, I gave you my number at the restaurant silly.
DAVID (As Augustine) Till then, until we catch the creature..ha, ha, ha, ha (He exits out.)
53
SCENE 4
Edith sits outside she watches her portable TV while a commercial airs she sips from her
flash then Joan walks by with a black trash bag. The bag she carries makes a cat meow
sound
COMMEIRCAL You got gold we got the answer, trade in that old tarnish gold bracelet
tired of that worn down necklace, No longer married trade in that wedding band, your
with a new man now, just slip your unwanted gold into seal proof pre-paid envelope with
our name and who we are, and what we do to the address and wait for the big cash to roll
in. There is no need to call, no middle man, no more gold to worry about. That’s all there
is to do. Call the number on your screen now and we’ll take it from you. Because were
gold pickers.
EDITH Evening Joan
JOAN Evening Edith (the contents of the bag makes a meow sound) Sh!
EDITH What ya got in the bag?
JOAN Trash. Night
EDITH Night. (She uses her remote to change the channel on her portable TV as
another Commercial chimes in)
COMMERICAL Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Big trucks are coming your way one
night only Saturday! Huge trucks with huge tires, spraying loads of mud in your face!
See Berry Burnstworh and his monster truck taking on wet thick mud as he tears up the
course! Right before your eyes Saturday! Huge truck fest held one night only at the Jasco
county fairgrounds this Saturday be there!
Tammy enters from the walk way
EDITH There you are, Where did you go?
TAMMY I needed to take a walk.
EDITH What’s the matter dear? (She hides her flask)
TAMMY No need to hide your liquor.
EDITH My what? (She hides it even more away from her.)
54
TAMMY Grandma I’ve known for years, when you live with some one that long you see
it.
EDITH Is that what’s bothering you?
TAMMY No, it’s all this stuff with this monster crap and these people are so crazed
about all of this stuff and there all these tourist showing up here to see this thing.
EDITH Well Jasco is back on the map. That’s a good thing. now people using them GPS
things know where we are.
TAMMY Oh Boy.
EDITH Tammy there are things you should know.
TAMMY What’s that?
EDITH Well this is going to be hard for me to tell you, but you’re adopted.
TAMMY Say What?
EDITH Tammy I couldn’t see you in a foster home with strangers, you were so cute
with your bows in your hair and always had a smile on your face, See your mother well
she had so many of you kids, I told her being a full time whore isn’t the way…Sorry I
didn’t mean to say that, it was hard for her to take care of so many mouths to feed. When
your father lost his job at the plant that’s when things got tough, so she gave you up for
lent.
TAMMY So you’re saying.
EDITH I’m saying when your father worked for so many years at that place, well the
chemicals and the radiation he had to endure just to make ends meet, had a impact on
child birth and well big family and all not all you kids came out…Well…the same
TAMMY What are you saying Gandma?
EDITH You and your brother, I took you in gave you my last name Talbot, I loved your
brother, Well when he got older and when things sprung in the wrong directions.
TAMMY Don’t tell me he became a male prostitute.
EDITH Oh heavens no.
TAMMY Then what, what happened?
55
EDITH As Jimmy got older his hair started to grow, at first it wasn’t that bad he wanted
to join the army, but they wouldn’t take him on of count his hair interfered with his eye
sight, and later it got out of control, I couldn’t keep a pair of sheers in the house damn
things would break all the time. I didn’t mean that, his wolfism really kicked in and kids
were cruel they said we better keep our dog on it’s lease…or they would call the cops on
us, they said that, not me.
TAMMY Oh Grandma.
EDITH So Jimmy became so angry, and he ran way with those two boys Skip and Rex,
and he joined the circus. I still have the box of razors and hair removal cream packed
away in box for when he comes home.
TAMMY Grandma I don’t think he’ll be home.
EDITH Tammy I think your brother has.
TAMMY What are you saying?
EDITH That was no bear that attacked our trailer the other night.
TAMMY What??
EDITH It was your brother Jimmy.
BLACK OUT
SCENE 5
A few hours has past Tammy is scene tying a brown bag to a hanging rope just to one
side of the trailer. A tree branch snaps in the background she hides to see what will
appear. It’s David who looks about and then looks at the hanging brown bag.
TAMMY What are you doing here?
DAVID I came by to see how you were doing, What are you doing out here?
TAMMY I want to know for sure if it’s bear or…
DAVID Or what?
TAMMY Silly, but the monster that everyone is seeing around here.
DAVID So, you do believe it’s real.
56
TAMMY No, Yes, I mean it’s hard to explain right now.
DAVID I’m all ears.
TAMMY I don’t think you would understand David.
DAVID Try me.
TAMMY I had a talk with my grandmother and she told me things tonight I never knew
were possible…
DAVID Like what?
TAMMY Like…
DAVID Like what?
TAMMY Like, I put a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a bag and I’m staking out here
tonight to see if the bear comes back.
DAVID Tammy you can’t stand out her waiting for a bear to come and eat a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich that would be suicide.
TAMMY Yeah.
DAVID Listen you can not…
TAMMY Sh, some one is coming.
DAVID What if it’s the bear and the thing attacks, oh God I didn’t bring my pepper
spray.
TAMMY Shh quiet. Come over here.
They hide And Skeeter Dressed in the hairy ape costume enters he looks about and walks
around in a frightful manner, he sees the brown paper bag hanging from the rope at the
same time Sheriff Mchanney appears from the front of the trailer not seeing Skeeter or
Tammy or David. Skeeter is soon seen by the sheriff and the sheriff slowly walks up from
behind as to catch him in the action, little does everyone know that there is another trap
set by Augustine a pit covered with leaves
DAVID Now what?
TAMMY Sh, I think its coming.
DAVID This get more weird and weirder.
57
TAMMY sh!
DAVID What the hell am I doing here, this is crazy, this thing might attack. I read a story
that a unknown creature attacked this family at their camp ground and did horrible things
to the whole family and the dog, oh the dog got the worst part of it, I kept saying to
myself why the dog, oh the poor dog, it didn’t do anything to nobody…don’t hurt it.
TAMMY QUIET! You’re going to blow it, look here’s your story.
Skeet moves up to the edge of the front of the trailer and shakes it,
While behind him at this point is the real creature just standing there in the background
watching the whole thing while it folds it’s arms in amusement as the sheriff approaches
the skeeter as he reaches for his holster gun and but skeeter move away from him and the
sheriff is at the edge of the pit.
.
MCHANNEY Hold it right there hairy ass!
SKEETER ARRR!! Turns around quickly and Growls at the sheriff causing Mchanney
to fall into the covered pit.
MCHANNEY AH!!!!
SKEETER ARRR!! Is seen by Tammy and David on his way out.as Augustine enters
with flash lights and a riffle in his hand.
AUGUSTINE Got Ya you hairy Bastard! He mistakenly pushes the sheriff in the pit.
MCHANNEY GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!
AUGUSTINE That’s not the monster
MCHANNEY Who were you expecting Smoky the fucking Bear!
TAMMY Oh no, it’s sheriff Mchanney are you all right?
MCHANNEY Do I look like I’m all right.
As the others are focused on the sheriff the real creature slowly walks up and looks down
withthem into the pit.
Augustine turns and looks the creature right in the eyes and fall over into the pit with the
sheriff. Then Tammy yells at the creature as it slowly walks away in the darkness.
AUGUSTINE Come back here I need a picture…Oh Shit!
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He falls into the pit on top of the sheriff. Down below
MCHANNEY Oh flaming chestnuts!
TAMMY Jimmy, Jimmy!
DAVID Who you calling Jimmy?
TAMMY Jimmy my brother.
DAVID The Monster?
TAMMY Yeah.
DAVID Oh my God.
BLACKOUT
SCENE 6
The next morning Tammy And David help Guy Augustine cover the pit trap for the
creature. Joan Walks buy with a black trash bag. She stops look as the activity the others
are involved
AUGUSTINE (Chatting on his cell phone) Get me two tickets, yeah dude I want to go,
and I already got my costume…
JOAN Morning.
TAMMY Morning Joan.
JOAN Composting?
Mr. Mackey enters his hair is sticking straight. And a little dazed from his mishap.
TAMMY No just filling a hole.
MR MACKEY Some one say filling a hole?
TAMMY Morning .
JOAN Morning.
MR MACKEY Morning.
Joan touches Mr. Mackey and rubs his neck and back.
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MR. MACKEY What are you doing?
JOAN When did you get the new piercing, were you probed?
MR MACKEY Huh?
JOAN Those holes in your skin. Did they leave a tracking chip?
MR. MACKEY What?…Ah…It’s nothing.
JOAN I’m sure they’ll be back.
Joan she exits out
TAMMY What was that all that about?
MR. MACKEY Nothing, Tammy who are your friends?
TAMMY Oh this is my long lost friend David Wells he’s a reporter from the city paper.
DAVID Nice to meet you.
MR. MACKEY Nice to meet you.
AUGUSTINE I’m Guy Augustine Crypto-zoologist, and Sasquatch Hunter.
MR. MACKEY Oh all that fuss about the stink man encounters.
AUGUSTINE Well we had an encounter last night.
MR. MACKEY Oh Really it’s real.
DAVID I don’t know about that.
TAMMY I saw something and it scared me.
AUGUSTINE It came at us with rage in it’s eyes, I guess it might be looking for food or
it’s a territorial creature, and I believe we’re in its way.
MACKEY Sheriff been out here to investigate this?
AUGUSTINE Oh yeah and I the creature surprised us and I lost my footing and fell on
top of the sheriff.
MACKEY You were on top of the sheriff?
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AUGUSTINE I was lying right on top of him.
MACKEY What did it feel like (he touches himself) and go slowly in detail. Okay.
AUGUSTINE Well it was an accent.
TAMMY Mr. Mackey.
DAVID Dude. Stop touching yourself.
MACKEY I’m sorry Gary hasn’t made love to me since I was away…
TAMMY Yeah.
MACKEY I have to go I’m a little excited
He exits out in a hurry
AUGUSTINE Poor guy, reminds me of the time I smoked pot and got so stoned out of
my fricken mind, I was with this hot chick, that I met at the burning festival, she had me
put almonds up in me ,and it was suppose to be even more of a high and well we smoked
them after I used the toilet. The desert will do strange things to you.
DAVID Sure.
TAMMY we’ll be over here.
AUGUSTINE Hey listen I have to get on the interent down load the pics of the creature
to my office so they’ll keep funding me the research money. Cause the burning man
festival is coming up this year and I got to get tickets I’m going this year as a flaming
clown on acid.
He exits out with camera and his back pack of equipment
DAVID Hope that works out for ya.
TAMMY He’s more strange than Joan
DAVID No Mr. Mackey
TAMMY I think you’re right.
DAVID Tammy I have to know something, about last night.
TAMMY I know what you’re going to say.
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DAVID What’s this thing with your brother?
TAMMY It’s complicated my dad, my mom well it’s…
DAVID Inbreeding?
TAMMY No David I’m adopted so was my brother Jimmy my grandmother adopted us ,
and my brother has this rare hair disorder. I’m believe he attacked the trailer and was
trying to get grandma’s attention.
DAVID He sure did and the whole town.
TAMMY Look don’t write this, I think it would ruin my Grandma.
DAVID Tammy, you think I would do that just to get a story.
TAMMY David, I don’t know, you’ve been away for a long time.
DAVID Tammy, I need story, not to hurt your family, things exist because they chose to
and some things choose to remain a mystery and people are in between to chose to think
about those things.
TAMMY Thank you.
She kisses him
BLACK OUT
SCENE 7
Outside the Jasco Bros. Towing Co.
Tater rolls a spare tire to a pile of old tires while Cooter checks forms off a clip board
and skeeter walks out of the office with the ape costume in his arms.
COOTER Where the hell are you going with that?
SKEETER I’m gonna wash it, I can’t take the piss smell any longer.
TATER Did ya hear him, piss smell.
COOTER Skeeter lately if you haven’t notice, the business we been gittn these days and
people are flocking in Jasco like swarm of bees jest to get a glimps of the so-called stink
man monster, we are rolling in the money now.
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SKEETER Yeah when do I git my cut?
COOTER Huh?
SKEETER I’m the money maker here in a monkey piss suite running around grunting ,
and scarin’ folks, I ought to get a cut of the cash.
TATER Right you are Skeeter.
SKEETER All right then whats my cut?
COOTER Ok let me figure it out
He takes out his calculator and punches a fewfew figures then he repeats the process
again.
COOTER Carry the one…okay that equals two, times…oh dang it. Okay carry the one
times one, then….oh shit…okay…no, no, that equals…Two, that can’t be right..let see.
SKEETER Well?
COOTER Okay Skeeter I figured the three of us you being the money maker.
TATER What about me I helped planned this.
COOTER I know you did and I was the brains behind the whole thing.
TATER What?
COOTER Calm down, Skeeter your share is fifteen percent.
SKEETER Huh? Wait a darn minute…
COOTER Okay twenty percent.
TATER How come he’s gitt’n more than me?
SKEETER Yeah how come?
TATER I thought we were dividing this money up three ways. One, Two Three
SKEETER Right, Tater is right three ways, One, Two, Three.
COOTER Okay, Okay, One, Two Three.
SKEETER That’s better, see I know how to do business.
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TATER I thinks skeeter should be in charge of the money we make.
COOTER I tol’ you two, I was the brains of this whole operation, and I’m in charge of
the money. One, Two Three!
SKEETER You don’t have to yell I hears ya.
TATER Okay, settle down you just like daddy high tempered.
SKEETER Moma never had a temper.
COOTER Get back to work before I shake you! They take the hint and start back to
what they were doing
COOTER One, Two, Three…my ass!
SCENE 8
The next day the trap pit is covered up and all is quiet and while Edith takes a swig out
of her liquor flask
EDITH (changing the channels on her portable TV)Figures nothing on. She calls out for
Tammy! Tammy! Tammy! Tammy are you awake honey? Tammy?
As she raises a commercial from the TV plays on her cell phone rings.
Hello? Hi, No I haven’t seen your cat, I know, I don’t understand it either, maybe the
county is cracking down on animal control these days. What’s that? Oh your septic is
over flowing you’ll have to call Mackey…Out of the office…Where is June?..Oh is this
right?…colonoscopy, I had one last yeah felt pretty good. Ok if I see your cat Taco, I’ll
let you know…Uh huh, bye, bye.
COMMERICAL : Eye on Jasco channel thirteen news that keeps you informed,
News at six covering the top stories in your area, keeping informed and we’ll tell you
why. In this rough economy, a local man is scarring up business in a big hairy way.
SKEETER VOICE I’m keep above the economy I work for Jasco Towing and tire
repair. We’re having monster deals here, need towing? We can help, monster flats? We
can help. Stink-man attack your Trailer? We can help.
Tonight Collin Moore with weather and Mike Maisonnuve with sports, it all starts
tonight at six.
Edith flips the remote to change the TV Channel, then she takes another drink from her
liquor flask she is drunk.
Her phone rings again
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EDITH Hello, Who? Tammy Honey where are you? Are you with that handsome young
man David, Ya know he’s a nice man…Huh? Oh…no I’m not drunk, No just a sip, or
two. I’ll be here…Bye, Bye. (She puts the phone down, but the volume seems to up high
and Tammy is still on the line.) Hello? Hi…Tammy I thought you just called? What? I
never hung up. OK I’m drunk bye.
Joan enters with black trash bag
JOAN Hello Edith.
EDITH Hello, Joan every time I see you, you have trash, you must be doing some deep
heavy cleaning at your place.
JOAN Yes deep cleaning very deep cleaning…lots to do. Must go inside now.
A cats Meow is heard from the bag. Shh. Yes Bye, Bye now Edith
The bag moves about as she exits out.
EDITH (Takes another drink out of her flask, then she moves in her chair and farts)
Another T.V. Commercial chimes in once more she farts. Ah.
COMMERICAL: (A cat meowing and a scratching sound)
VOICE No!
Cats scratching your furniture? Pillows? The back of your legs?
VOICE Ouch!
Then reach for the cat attack stick, a powerful jolt just enough juice go through little
fluffy’s body sending him across the room with hair standing on end. So no more
scratches.
Cat: Meow, Meow, Meow.
VOICE so order Now a operator is standing by don’t delay, call today.
EDITH (Takes another swig of her flask, then there is a sound in the background, a
branch snaps she is startled.) Hello? Someone there? Joan?
A growl is heard Edith jumps up and moves for her yard rake. And she takes another
swig from her Flask
There is no answer but a growl.
EDITH (She takes another swig from her flask) Jimmy, is that you?
JIMMY Uh Huh.
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EDITH You sure know how to get my attention boy.
JIMMY Uh huh.
EDITH You on the run?
JIMMY I can’t stay. Mama I don’t fit in.
EDITH I understand, where you going?
JIMMY With Rex and Skip.
EDITH Oh honey them boys are bad news.
JIMMY I don’t have any were else to go, I’m a monster, what the hell am I doing here. I
wish I had no hair a perfect body. I want to fit in.
EDITH I know you do, everyone does, Stay here at least for awhile, but no shaking the
trailer though.
JIMMY I wish I could stay, but I need to find my life.
EDITH Oh my son, I wish it didn’t have to be this way.
JIMMY I be alright mama. I want to live happy, the circus folk, that’s where I belong.
EDITH You’re gonna need money out there.(she hands him a several bills in a roll, then
he startled by some he has heard in the distance) I been saving this for a long time and
well never did anything with it. It will hold ya for about three or so years. I understand
you running in all but promise me you keep in touch just write to the post box I that way
I know you are okay out there. If you need me I will be there you hear?
JIMMY I hear mama…I smell something, someone’s coming.
EDITH Jimmy, I always said you were special, now go on get out here before they put
ya in a cage. (He runs off)
(OFF) MCHANNEY Anyone home? Edith you home?
EDITH Over here sheriff.
MCHANNEY Evening Edith, I don’t think it’s safe to be out here with all the Hairy
Stink mann sightings and the lions tigers and bears.
EDITH Sheriff you hit the nail on the nose. Or Nail on the head something like that.
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MCHANNEY Edith you been hittn’ the sauce tonight?
EDITH Oh I made spaghetti earlier care for some?
MCHANNEY No thanks, I need to scout around here maybe git some answers to this
hairy stink man legend. Ya know Edith I never believed in monsters, only when I was
kid, I was terrified of the Wolfman I was always thinking he was there staring right
through my window, with those sharp teeth and hairy claws. Well that sort of set me off. I
found myself loving fur, kind of a turn on for me, joined a furries group..Ah you didn’t
hear that. I will say this hairy stink man monster sure brought a lot of revenue to Jasco,
why the hotels are full of them tourists and ol’ Erma down at spoons added a whole new
menu to the place calls it teeth, fur and tails.
.
There is a sound Sheriff Pulls out his gun.Mr. Mackey comes around the corner
MCHANNEY What the hell, Mackey you scaring people?
MACKEY Welcome to my world.
MCHANNEY What are you doing?
MACKEY Listen see this black trash bag, guess what’s inside it?
MCHANNEY Your dance thong?
MACKEY I found this bag of cat hair in the dumpster?
MCHANNEY So?
MACKEY So whoever is killing these cats are dumping them in the dumpster.
MCHANNEY Wait a minute Mackey just because you find a bag of cat hair doesn’t
mean these cats around here are dead.
MACKEY Now listen whoever it is has shaven this cats as some sort of ritual. The creep
is a sicko
MCHANNEY Clam down, now you listen to me…Look here no one is shaving cats for
hair and there are no dead cats and if were I would find them. Understand?
MACKEY Well I wash my hands of the whole thing.
Mr Hermanns is seen walking toward the park dumpster with a black trash bag.
EDITH Evening Mr. Hermanns.
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MACKEY Look there he is the cat killer, see he’s shaved one and now he’s gonnna
dump it!
MR. HERMANNS Ah shit.
MCHANNEY All right Buddy let’s see what ya got in the bag?
MR. HERMANNS I was gonna recycle you son of a bitch!
MACKEY No you weren’t.
MCHANNEY (Looks in bag) Yep just cans and bottles.
MR. HERMANNS I hate this place.
MACKEY It hates you!
David & Tammy enter
EDITH Tammy Thank God you’re back. Oh by the way did you pumped the toilet?
TAMMMY YesDAVID What’s going on?
MCHANNEY We’re trying to get to the bottom of the neighborhood cats missing.
DAVID Cats?
MACKEY Lots of them it some spun out werdo doing strange things to the cats around
here.
DAVID Really, like what?
MCHANNEY Never you mind young man.
DAVID Sure make a great story cats missing could they be eaten alive, or is it some poor
soul sacrificing them to their cult god.
MACKEY Around here that could be a possibility with all the gossip and people doing
each other…I mean Ya know…what I mean touching…
MCHANNEY Please stand over there.
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Joan enters she too carries a large black trash bag
MACKEY It’s her, I know it she’s killing these cats baggi’ ‘em for money for research
Facility!
MCHANNEY Hold it right there ma’am let’s see what’s in the bag.
She opens the bag
MCHANNEY Huh, Just dirt.
MACKEY What?
TAMMY I told you Grandma she had an odor about her.
EDITH The dirt smell
Skeeter moves pass them in his ape costume.
MCHANNEY What the…
DAVID It’s the creature.
MACKEY Oh my shorts!
TAMMY Oh God.
JOAN Oh No.
Then a net falls on top of him then out from the tress jumps out Guy Augustine with his
camera and tranquilizer gun .he shoots skeeter
AUGUSTINE I got it, go ya Ha!
SKEETER I’ve been shot….I’m bleeding out of my ass!
MACKEY Hurts don’t it!
MCHANNEY What is that Skeeter Thompson?
TAMMY From the towing company?
EDITH I’ll be a rabbit’s foot on a key chain.
Cooter and Tater move about as to make their escape from their man made hoax But The
sheriff seizes the.
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MCHANNEY All right boys that’s far enough,
COOTER/TATER Shit!
MCHANNEY You boys got a lot of explaining to do?
AUGUSTINE I thought it was real. Just like that time I sniff glue back in High school I
thought I could fly like peter pan, but I was naked and I scraped my self all up. I couldn’t
pee for a week.
Then at this moment Jimmy Talbot the so-called Stink man creature enters and gives
everyone a look then fades away in the shadows. He waves at Edith who waves back.
DAVID Wow, Cool it does exists.
AUGUSTINE And I didn’t get a picture of it, just like my love life no flash.
There is a bright light in the sky all look up and then they become frozen in time for a
moment.)
JOAN (looking Up) It’s about time!
The light goes out and Joan is gone from the scene.
TAMMY What just happened?
MACKEY Where am I? Where is Joan?
EDITH Who?
AUSUSTINE Total Trip yeah.
They all look about but no sign of her anywhere
EDITH She went home.
DAVID Your saying.
TAMMY What?
EDITH She went home
AUGUSTINE Wow.
MACKEY What a week .
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MCHANNEY I won’t need that report. The last time I wrote a U.F.O report it came
true…It’s nothing people, we didn’t see thing.
TAMMY Unbelievable.
DAVID It’s true Jasco is a strange place.
AUGUSTINE Well I’m headed out of here, I got burning man tickets waiting for me.
Ciao!
One by one they seem to exit out.
Edith Stares into the open dark area where Jimmy left .
TAMMY What now?
DAVID I go back write an awesome story and you?
TAMMY Back to work.
DAVID Tammy…
TAMMY Yes, what were you going to say David?
DAVID I was thinking, maybe you could leave here.
TAMMY Leave here, don’t be silly where would I go?
DAVID You and I could pick things up where we left off…
TAMMY What?
DAVID Listen Tammy why don’t you run away with me.
TAMMY I can’t what about my Grandma?
DAVID Bring her.
TAMMY Where?
DAVID To the city?
TAMMY She won’t give up her trailer.
DAVID There is a five star trailer park two blocks from my house it has plenty of spaces
and they have a pool. What ya say come with me?
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TAMMY My grandma doesn’t want to go, this is her home, she doesn’t have any were
else to go.
EDITH The hell I don’t.
TAMMY What?
EDITH Sweety, you’re only young once.
TAMMY Grandma?
EDITH There isn’t anything here for me now, Jimmy, well he joined the circus. He said
that’s where he wants to be. I believe he’ll be alright.
TAMMY I think so too.
EDITH I’m gonna miss this place.
TAMMY I’m glad you came here to get your story.
DAVID Me too. (They hugs, and kiss between the two)
TAMMY Well when do we leave?
DAVID Any time you like.
TAMMY I don’t know…it’s all so …What the hell I been here a long time and it’s time
for a change.
EDITH Well said honey.
TAMMY Come on grandma let’s get out of here.
EDITH Right behind ya. Tammy do they have a laundry room?
TAMMY Yes Grandma with hot and cold water.
As they exit ou,t the lights slowly fade a spot light is all that remains on the trailer then it
fades out.
CURTAIN
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Scrim with trailer background: Greenery, B.B.Q pit center, Edith’s trailer and storage
shed.
Set conception: Jasco County. #1
Set design: “JASCO COUNTY”
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