SPIDER-MAN 3
Written By:
The Magician
December 4th, 2007
WE OPEN ON: MANHATTAN- Daylight
EXT. BETWEEN TALL BUILDINGS
Spider-Man SWINGS high over a rooftop, and between two
towering apartment buildings. He holds tight a web line.
CUT TO: TIMES SQUARE
EXT. STREET BEFORE BIG SCREEN
Peter Parker stares at the big screen. Three children watch
at his side… as Spider-Man swings around, passing the
Striptease District only a few miles away.
PETER: (V/O) Another day in New York City. As Spider-Man,
I’ve realized people really like me!
The little boys give Peter a wedgie then run off.
PETER: AAAH! AAuuhh… NO!
Peter walks away
stare and laugh.
get them back to
sore… bloody and
slowly, and in severe pain. People stop,
Peter just waves his free hand, trying to
their business. His other hand rubbing his
shitty crack.
CUT TO: ALLEYWAY
The three little boys, no older than ten… dash into this
alleyway and pull out their bags of grass. Spider-Man
swings down and snatches their grass. Webbing each of their
mouths shut as he departs.
The three little boys soon run out of air, and collapse.
Spider-Man’s laugh is heard echoing from afar.
CUT TO: AUNT MAY’S HOUSE
INT. KITCHEN
Peter Parker steps in to Aunt May doing the twist.
RADIO: Come on, baby! And do the TWIST!
PETER: I’m going to ask Mary-Jane to marry me.
AUNT MAY: (twisting to music) Cool.
PETER: (smiling bright) Isn’t it great?!
AUNT MAY: (practically ignoring him) Yup.
PETER: I have it all worked out.
AUNT MAY: (jumping on counter- twisting) Thanks, I’d love
some coffee right about now!
Peter’s eyes turn to the bottle of LAX on the counter. He
turns back to his Aunt twisting and shitting rockets into
the sink from the island counter. Peter pukes blue, and
Aunt May jumps off the counter. She slips on the blue puke
and cracks her head open.
RADIO: (Peter slowly backing out) COME ON BAAABY! And do
the mutha-fuckin TWIST! Just a titty-TWIST!
Peter slowly approaches his Aunt. Full of sorrow. He kneels
down… wide-eyed in shock. Then… he SNATCHES May’s ring and
runs off! His footsteps are heard speeding up. Then the
sound of a window shattering!
CUT TO: DOWNTOWN STREET- Early Night
Peter struts down the street. Pointing his finger at the
passing woman with a smug smile on his face.
Then a NEW GOBLIN SOARS down on a sideways surfboard styled
GLIDER! Peter turns, and is PICKED UP!
EXT. SKY WAY
This New Goblin SLAMS Peter against a building wall! The
mask pulls away… it’s Harry Osborn.
HARRY: You knew this was coming, Pete!
PETER: I did?
Harry HEADBUTTS at Parker, but Parker SLIDES out of the
way, crawling out of the way.
PETER: (cont.) Listen to me, you slack-jawed fuck! I didn’t
kill your father!
HARRY: (head stuck in wall) SSHUUUTTT UUUPP!!!
Harry pulls out… pulling an entire section of the wall out
and Peter sticks tight as the piece falls rapidly!
Spinning, round and round in the air… and headed right for
the busy street below!
The mask pulls back over Harry’s face, and the New Goblin
soar by, PUNCHING Peter and loosening his lower jaw! He
takes Parker by the throat… and flies him over the street
as the falling wall piece SMASHES down on a poor man jay
walking. A male cop giving another man a ticket… sees this,
and just laughs.
Up above again! New Goblin THROWS Peter over to a billboard
of two lesbians lip locking like lolli-gaggers! SMASH right
through, and we cut to a dramatic close-up of Peter
spinning around… reaching for the stolen ring in SLOWMOTION! Then we notice a Goblin Bomb on it’s way! KABOOM!
Peter is sent SOARING the other way! Over another street!
He webs a wall side and SWINGS around. UP and out of
immediate danger.
Now the New Goblin soars by again… slower. Peter JUMPS on
his back and attempts to squeeze the inside of his head
out! The glider starts to spin out of control!
PETER: If you want listen to reason…!
HARRY: NEVER!!
Harry reaches up, but Parker JUMPS off, putting force on
Harry’s shoulders! New Goblin is soaring down over an
alley, but then is webbed in the back, then SWUNG up by
Peter… once around, before being let loose at a faster
pace! The New Goblin lands right in an open dumpster!
Peter Parker swings down in front of it. He looks inside to
see Harry sinking in vanilla pudding.
PETER: Oh no. HARRY! NO! I didn’t mean to kill you! (Harry
coughs) Oh. (pause) Then I didn’t mean to eat your pudding.
Peter digs in, pulling a glob of pudding out. He shoves the
fist in his mouth.
FLASH TOHarry being taken away on a stretcher. Unconscious, with a
neck brace. Peter sighs, in complete and utter sorrow.
He now pulls up a camera and takes a picture for the Bugle.
CUT TO: OPEN FIELD- Midnight
A man is running. Breathing heavily! We hear dogs barking,
and pan back to a couple of coppers chasing the runaway
with cats on leashes. Cats barking at the escaped convict!
COPPER: We’ve got Flint Marko! He’s goin’ down!
Flint Marko reaches a mysterious edge, and strips over a
twig! He falls into a sand pit! A large claw like crane
above him. Lights suddenly shining down. Flint Marko rises
and looks around as the crane starts to spin.
Faster and faster… and now Marko is turning to sand!
Peeling away at first, then blowing away by the grains!
FLINT: NnnNOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!!!
Flint Marko has disappeared.
FLASH TO- Surveillance Room
Two scientists watching a screen. A live image of the sand
pit, where Flint Marko was just destroyed a second ago.
SCIENTISTS 1&2: (clapping hands) YES!
FLASH BACK TO- Sand Pit
A sand pile. It starts to move. Something starts to form.
Like a man of sand, then it falls apart. A brief pause.
It starts to move again… now forming into what was once
Flint Marko. And now is, and forever will be the SANDMAN!
SANDMAN: Sandman.
Suddenly a giant red crab man, like a happy reject, jumps
in from out of the dark corner. Pointing his red floam
claws as if he were a ninja… crab.
CRAB: I got CRAAABS!
The Crab LEAPS in the air at the Sandman! Claws pointed
out! Sandman’s hands turn to big sand fists and SMASH the
Crab Man into the ground!! The Sandman starts walking away…
as the Crab gets up.
CRAB: Yo’ Sandy Pants, you ready for some CRAB diiick?!
It’S CRAB TIME, baby… (jumping through air again) Fuck yer
eye and eat you dead!
The Crab sinks his claws into Sandman’s chest! Sandman
screams in little pain, but mostly anger, now BLOWING sand
in the Crab’s face! The Crab’s head cracks in half down the
middle… his brain filled with sand.
Sandman smirks, now forming back into a sand blob… moving
out of the pit. The Crab Man drops like a statue.
EXT. OPEN FIELD
The Sandman walks away. Finally in some peace. Then the
CRAB man tackles him!
CRAB: It’s CRAB, bitch… you all ready know what it is!
SANDMAN: (smashing Crab’s head to chips) SHUT UP!!
The Sandman sighs, standing up… and walking away again.
CUT TO: SKY WAY- The Next Morning
A crane hanging from a building top has gone out of
control! Short circuiting and Johnny Five rolls off the
edge of the crane arm, falling to certain doom! Spider-Man
swings by, hearing the scream of a helpless woman!
The crane arm drops and BREAKS into the side of the
building! PULLING UP and tearing the building’s side. A
woman hangs from a window side, and falls!
Spider-Man swings by, taking hold of her! A swing away.
CUT TO: PLAYHOUSE
INT. AUDITORIUM
Mary-Jane Watson walks in. Her manager walks up to her.
MANAGER: You can’t sing here anymore.
MARY-JANE: What?
MANAGER: You’re fired.
Mary-Jane gets teary eyed.
MANAGER: Almost forgot… you see this?
He holds up a picture of Spider-Man being kissed by the
woman he saved from the crane accident. She then closes her
eyes slowly… raising two clenching fists.
CUT TO: TIMES SQUARE- Noon
Mary-Jane turns to Harry Osborn with a neckbrace. She’s
been crying, we can tell. Harry smiles.
MARY-JANE: What happened?
HARRY: Your boyfriend tried to kill me.
Mary-Jane gasps! Then Harry pulls up a newspaper.
HARRY: You see this?
Mary-Jane walks away, not wanting to see it second time.
FLASH TO- The Stage
Spider-Man swings over and LANDS right in front of the
woman he saved. The crowd cheers…
CROWD: SPIDER-MAN! SPIDER-MAN! SPIDER-MAN!
SPIDER-MAN: (to the woman) Give me a kiss!
SURVIVOR WOMAN: You sure?
Spider-Man pulls the mask away from his mouth. A smooch.
The Sandman is lurking in the crowd. He moves over to a big
truck. Two cops spot and then follow him.
Back to the stage… a photographer takes pictures of SpiderMan grabbing the woman’s ass. He looks at the camera and
smiles. The photographer takes another picture, and then
Spider-Man pulls the mask back over his mouth.
PHOTOGRAPHER: (hand out) Eddie Brock. (Spider-Man shakes
his hand) I’m going to be your new photographer.
SPIDER-MAN: (woman walks away) What about the other guy?
PHOTOGRAPHER: He doesn’t want to be your friend anymore.
SPIDER-MAN: (walking away) Sure.
Spider-Man JUMPS away and the crowd cheers louder!
FLASH TO- Behind the Stage
Spider-Man, upside down, slides down from a web. Faced with
Mary-Jane Watson. She’s in tears.
SPIDER-MAN: Why you crying?
MARY-JANE: You hurt me, Peter!
SPIDER-MAN: Come on, don’t say that. And please, I’m
Spider-Man now.
MARY-JANE: You can’t go cheating on me like that. I…
SPIDER-MAN: Listen, why don’t I take you out to dinner
tonight? It’ll make you feel better. (sliding up) Bye!
MJ starts gagging on tears. She almost turns her head, and
now chokes. Pan away from afar to Lloyd Christmas pulling
away his cowboy hat at this heart breaking scene. He starts
gagging on tears, now nearly choking. Turning away.
FLASH TO- A Meteorite…
CRASHING into the ground! Eddie Brock moves away from the
Times Square Spidey Party. He steps over the meteorite.
EDDIE: What the Hell?
Black ooze REACHES out and PULLS BROCK into the small
crater! He’s transformed into something else. A monstrous…
monster thing. He puts a badge reading ‘VENOM’ out in front
of him.
VENOM: (Super Bad) DRAGON shit!
CUT TO: HEIST STREET
Cops surround the truck.
COPPER: Come on out of there, Marko! Give yourself up!
You’re surrounded! There’s no escape! You can’t win! It’s
over! (no answer) Anyone call for a web-slinger?
SANDMAN ERUPTS from out of the tarp covered dump truck, a
mighty big beast of a thing, SLIDING it’s sand arm through
the first batch of police officers! They’re flushed away…
and the Sandman turns into wave… CHASING after a truck!
This bank truck is oblivious at first… now the Sandman
landing on top… and breaking the roof! He drops in. Now
over to Spider-Man swinging over to the truck! He drops in.
SPIDER-MAN: My Spider-sense just told me you actually
killed my uncle. It even showed me a video of it. Is that
TRUE?!
SANDMAN: Yeah.
SPIDER-MAN: (turning away) I thought you’d say that.
(turning back suddenly) WAIT! Did you say YEAH?!
SANDMAN: Yeah.
SPIDER-MAN: (pulling fist) FUCK… YOU!
Spider-Man’s FIST through Sandman’s chest! To no effect,
and Sandman’s right fist grows… PUNCHING Spider-Man out of
the truck! And then Spidey webs the bumper… skid sliding
the streets on one of the two broken doors!
Back into the back of the truck where Sandman puts sand in
the driver’s and passenger’s eyes! The truck starts
swerving, Spider-Man taken for a wilder ride!
Sandman starts looting the cash into bags with dollar bill
signs stitched on. He now blows away like a storm… out of
the top hole he had made.
The bank truck CRASHES into a light pole in the middle of
the street! Spider-Man is sent SOARING above the truck…
crotch smacking the light! Sparks fly and Spider-Man moans.
FLASH TO- Behind the Stage
After the party, and after the battle… Spider-Man stumbles,
weakened. Then he sees the crater. He walks over to it in
confusion. And now the rest of the VENOM attaches itself to
the web-slinger!
SPIDER-MAN: AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUchoo!
CUT TO: FRENCH RESTAURANT
INT. DINING ROOM
Mary-Jane waits for Peter. Peter walks by, and sits down,
and to MJ’s shock… he’s got Emu licked hair, all black.
PETER: How’s the food here?
Peter takes the bottle of wine and starts chugging away!
Mary-Jane shakes her head in disgust, and Peter takes the
empty plate, taking a bite… chipping a few teeth.
PETER: (cont.) Fuckin’ delicious, baby.
MARY-JANE: What’s wrong with you?
A French waiter walks up.
FRENCH WAITER: (to Peter) I’m French. Appreciate me, or
I’ll recall the Statue of Liberty and give you a bill.
Peter puts his hand on the waiter’s face… and SHOVES him
out over and upon the next table! Crashing into the
President’s face! Peter stands up and pulls Mary-Jane away
with an arm around her neck. Her feet dragging, as she
starts to panic. He drags her around the corner.
PETER: (chewing annoyingly) Let’s go dancing.
CUT TO: DANCE CLUB- Moments Later
Peter dances with Mary-Jane, spinning about and then
shaking his arms around. Moving them like pinwheels now,
and then to a fro like a goon.
MJ: Do you want to push people away?! Harry told me you
tried to kill him! And then I saw you kiss that girl!
Grabbing her ass… see a little drip between her cunt and
her ass… probably makes you want to jump inside it!
PETER: (all dramatic) Why would I want to push you away? I
love you! (shoving her back) I LOVE YOU!!
Peter SLAPS Mary-Jane to the ground!
MJ: UNNH!
PETER: Say, YES… Peter, I understand!
MJ: (scared out of her mind) Yes, Peter… I understand.
PETER: Say, YES… PETER! I finally understand!! (she weeps)
SAY IT!!
MJ: Yes, Peter… I…
PETER: (raising hand again) NO ONE SAYS PO TO PEA!
Suddenly VENOM and the NEW GOBLIN CRASH the dance! Everyone
drops their popcorn and drinks… scattering immediately!
VENOM: (revealing Brock’s face) Goblin Junior, here told me
what happened! What you DID to him!
PETER: So?
Venom’s chest erupts and SMOTHERS Peter’s face! Peter’s
Spidey suit climbs over his body, and the Dark Spider-Man
lives! The New Goblin glides down to Mary-Jane, lending a
hand. MJ takes it, and then is flown out of the room.
Back to Venom and Dark Spider-Man strangling one another!
They spin around the room… thrashing it good! Dark SpiderMan PALMS Venom’s face, and Venom CLOTHESLINES Dark SpiderMan to the ground! Dark Spidey takes a glass of wine, chugs
it down… then BREAKS IT across Venom’s face!
DARK SPIDEY: Now dig on this.
Dark Spider-Man WEBS Venom’s monstrous sharp-toothed mouth!
The head starts to bulge! Venom backs away, then shrinks
away. Dark Spider-Man looks around. He’s all alone.
CUT TO: SUBWAY
INT. DEEP TRACK
Sandman walks around strumming a green bean can with a
butter knife. Scraping against it with a bob of the head.
SANDMAN: Oohh… I wish I was made out of gold sand! A rich
sandman I’d truly like to beeeeEE! (the can is webbed away)
HEY! (spotting Dark Spidey) What the fuck is this shit?!
(rubbing eyes) Ah, I’m trippin’ off assid!
DARK SPIDEY: Remember that sandwich you stole from me in
the third grade?
SANDMAN: You gave me that sandwich! Now I know you, Peter.
DARK SPIDEY: Do you REMEMBER selling that sandwich back to
me on Ebay, and having THANKSGIVING ROAST across the street
from me with your beautiful family, while I was stuck on
the toilet from eating too many of my dead Aunt’s SHITTY
rice cakes because I was too stupid to stop eating them?!
A brief pause as Sandman looks from side to side.
SANDMAN: What does it matter to you ANYWAY?!
DARK SPIDEY: I DON’T KNOW!
Dark Spider-Man SWINGS over… kicking Sandman in the chest!
He drops to the ground, Dark Spidey flipping in the air and
landing in front of him. Sandman SWINGS his arm, a wave of
sand… SWEEPING Dark Spidey out from under his feet! Dark
Spidey rolls back to his as Sandman stands up.
Sandman’s arms turn to two poles of moving sand… pushing
Dark Spidey off the edge with such a strong force. Under
the platform, the dark web slinger swings, BREAKING back
atop the wood platform. Sandman turns around in shock.
SANDMAN: You’re out of yer dry humping mind!
Dark Spider-Man takes Sandman by the shoulders and PULLS
his face right into the passing train! The face blows all
over the place… and Sandman screams in absolute pain!
DARK SPIDEY: Ain’t it cum guzzling cool?!
The train is gone now, and Sandman drops, almost
unconscious. He falls into a sand pile, seeping through the
tracks. The Dark Spider-Man jumps high over the tracks and
lands below into a giant water puddle.
EXT. DEEP PIT
Sandman recollects himself… as Mud Man. He looks at his
hands all sloppy and breaking apart. Dark Spidey hops over
and atop a water tube. He TEARS the cap off and Mud Man
holds mud stubs out. He’s washed away and down into the
sewers. Dark Spider-Man gives him a salute… before shooting
a web up into the air, and gliding away.
CUT TO: HARRY’S MANSION
Pan into the window, into…
INT. HARRY’S ROOM
Harry Osborn is at the stove. Mary-Jane stands by.
HARRY: I just want to show you what life would be like with
me. So… I’m making you an omelet. (MJ raises her eyebrows)
Hey, watch this!
Harry flips the omelet with a jerk of the skillet. The
omelet lands like a glob of egg yolk all over MJ’s head…
dripping down her face quickly. A burning scream! Harry
sets the skillet down, backing away with his hands up. He
backs out onto…
EXT. THE BALCONY
With MJ screaming, and dropping to the floor… Harry backs
out further and further, with his hands up. Then he back
over the edge and drops off the face of the Earth!
HARRY: NNOOOOOOOOooooooooo!
CUT TO: CHURCH TOWER- One in the Morning
INT. BELL TOWER
Eddie Brock is stepping up the church tower. Dark Spiderman is screaming out of his mind. Eddie approaches.
EDDIE: Hello, Spider-Man. I just wanted to say I was sorry
for going off on you like that. It was between you and him.
Dark Spider-Man flips Eddie off. Then we see a Good Guy
doll in the corner flipping Eddie off. Then Austin Powers
does the same. Eddie turns into Venom.
VENOM: (cont.) Son of a bitch must pay!
Chucky and Austin jump off the bell tower laughing. Dark
Spider-Man is ripping the symbiotic alien off himself! It
jumps onto Venom, and Venom only grows bigger!
SPIDER-MAN: The power will take control! Brock, listen!
Venom BACKHANDS Spider-Man off the bell tower!
EXT. SKY WAY
Spider-Man falls unconscious… as the GIANT Man of Sand
opens his black hole of a mouth, swallowing Spidey whole!
CUT TO: CONSTRUCTION SITE- Two in the Morning
Spider-Man is on a large bed of sand. He’s just waking up.
Venom has a hold of Mary-Jane Watson.
SPIDER-MAN: MARY-JANE!!!
MARY-JANE: SPIDER-MAN!!!
VENOM: VENOM!!!
MJ shakes her head, as Spider-Man starts crawling quickly
up the construction wall. Back down to Spider-Man
ascending, as the Sandman rises growling! Before he knows
it… Spidey is SLAPPED with sand!
SPIDER-MAN: OUH! (Second Slap) AAUH! (third slap) OOOouuhh!
Spider-Man falls back to the ground. Big Sandman smiles.
SPIDER-MAN: (blood from mouth seeping out) Go spit.
Just then a Goblin Bomb in Sandman’s crotch! A grunt of
confusion as the Big Sandman looks down! Then the bomb
BLOWS the sand crotch out! Sandman starts stumbling about…
COLLAPSING on the building in progress! Now destroyed.
The New Goblin flies by and flies right over to Venom.
NEW GOBLIN: Let her go!
Venom bites New Goblin’s head off, swallowing it whole. The
New Goblin drops again, off the face of the Earth… and face
scarred MJ screams!
Just then does Spider-Man web sling his way around…
SNATCHING MJ away! They land on a rooftop nearby.
SPIDER-MAN: (setting MJ down) You’re safe now.
MARY-JANE: I love you.
SPIDER-MAN: I… (Venom kicks the back of his head) FUCK!
Spider-Man ducks into
Venom advances on the
and wild wide eyes on
his fist down Venom’s
shrunken midget, much
a roll. MJ is SLAPPED to the ground.
web slinger, keeping his dead white
him. Spider-Man hops over and SHOVES
throat! He PULLS Mini-Eddie out! A
like a prune now.
EDDIE: NO!
Spider-Man WHISTLES the best he can… mostly spitting on the
Venom creature. It SCREAMS hi-pitched, then EXPLODES!
Shrunken Eddie pouts, and Spider-Man KICKS him like a
football… off the rooftop and high into the sky.
SPIDER-MAN: That’s the end of that.
Spider-Man walks over to Mary-Jane, picking her up. She
smiles at him and he nods once. Then HE LEAPS off and
swings away with her. We notice Liberty Island in the
background... where helicopters are pulling the Statue of
Liberty off it's rest. Flying it away overseas.
The End