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life
changes
loss, change and bereavement
for children aged 3-11 years old
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Contents
04
06
Introduction
Acknowledgements
SECTION 2:
50
SECTION 1:
08
The impact of loss, change
and bereavement in the
lives of children
10
15
17
18
Children’s understanding of loss and grief
Children’s questions about death and dying
Telling sad things and breaking bad news
School scenarios
A three year old child
A four year old child
A five year old child
A six year old child
A seven year old child
An eight year old child
A nine year old child
A ten/eleven year old child
25
27
Participating in funerals and rituals
Children’s grief responses
Children anticipating a parent’s death
Children anticipating a grandparent’s death
Talking about a parent or grandparent who is
dying
The death of a teacher
The dying child
The dying sibling
Sudden death
Using the confidential record and
assessment charts
Death and dying in faith and secular contexts
The Buddhist Community
The Christian Community
The Hindu Community
The Jewish Community
The Muslim Community
The Sikh Community
Secular Perspectives
38
44
48
Contact details for religious and
secular communities
Classroom activities,
children’s sayings, stories
and poems, and
assemblies
51
Classroom activities
1 Silly Billy
2 The rainbow of feelings
3 Talking about feelings
4 The ball of emotion
5 Teddy bear masks
6 The first aid kit
7 My family tree
8 Paper chains
9 A little box of big thoughts
10 Salt jar
11 Windows into the future
12 The parachute
13 Snakes and ladders
14 The puzzle person
15 With love
16 Things that I dream about at night
17 Sweet memories (for 3 – 7 year olds)
18 Saying ‘goodbye’ (for 7 – 11 year olds)
19 A card to remember
20 Media coverage
21 Writing a letter
22 Explaining loss and change in a story
84
Children’s sayings, stories and poems
Children’s sayings: what happens when you die?
Story: Knowing my dad died
Story: God? My mum died
Child’s poem: Feelings
Child’s poem: The leaf
Child’s poem: Sadness
92
Assemblies
1: Change
2: Memories
3: Saying ‘goodbye’
4: Caring for others
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SECTION 3:
98
100
102
104
106
109
111
114
116
118
Children’s responses to
adverse life changing
events
Children and trauma
Divorce
Suicide
The children of prisoners
Young carers
Refugee children
Children of parents/carers in the armed forces
Talking to children about disasters
Assessment charts
SECTION 4:
124
Life changes – a school
response
126 Managing a critical incident in school
134 Bereavement Case Study:
Westbury Leigh C of E Primary School
136 Responding to sad events in school
138 Staff self awareness workshop: John’s story
140 Staff curriculum workshop: Including the topic of
life changes across the curriculum
152 Teachers’ resources
154 National organisations offering support for
bereaved children
Websites for schools
155 Picture and story books
for children aged 3 – 5 years old
for children aged 5 – 7 years old
for children aged 9 – 11 years old
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Introduction
Everyone will experience aspects of loss and change
throughout their life, but there are some loss and change
experiences which do not happen to everyone. These
may be called ‘circumstantial losses’ and include
situations such as family breakdown, homelessness, the
death of a relative or friend, imprisonment and serious
illness or injury. Some adverse experiences can have both
immediate and long-term consequences, particularly for
children. Grief is a human response to loss, and mourning
is the way in which grief is expressed. Grief incorporates a
myriad of emotional, behavioural (affective) and cognitive
manifestations, both in adults and in children. Whatever
the circumstances, the death of the person is not only a
loss, it is a change and a turning point: the world will
never be the same again.
Arguably the most damaging situations are those which
are harmful to the child-family relationship, but there are
numerous events in children’s lives which may have
potentially damaging physical, social and emotional
consequences. School communities often have to support
children who are facing loss. Teachers are naturally
concerned to develop good practice.
This Toolkit aims to:
● Provide adults with an insight into children’s
developmental understanding of death and how
they grieve;
● Support schools in a proactive approach to including
the subject of loss and change, in myriad forms, in
the curriculum;
● Suggest reactive approaches and strategies for
caring for bereaved children and those undergoing
loss and change in a variety of circumstances;
● Provide a springboard for discussion, so that school
communities can develop their own policy and
practice matched to the individual needs of children
and their families.
There is an increasingly wide range of resources available
to support schools in the help they may offer bereaved
children. There is, however, a paucity of material that
addresses both a proactive whole school approach to
loss and change in children’s lives (teaching about life
experience of loss and change) and a reactive approach
that gives guidance on how best to help children when
sad things happen.
My teacher made the colours come in my insides again
Matthew aged 3 years 6 months
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Life changes is divided into
four sections:
SECTION 1:
The impact of loss, change and bereavement in the
lives of children describes children’s experiences and
understanding of loss and grief, and how schools may
support them proactively and reactively. Schools are
offered advice and support about how to break bad news
to a child and children’s questions about death and dying
are explored. Rites and rituals surrounding death are
described with references to help teachers to access
information from faith communities so that a family’s
cultural needs are met. The end of the section provides a
framework for assessing children’s emotional, physical,
cognitive and behavioural responses to loss and change.
SECTION 2:
Classroom activities provides school staff with a range of
‘tried and trusted’ classroom activities that may be used
both proactively and reactively to focus discussion upon
loss and change.
Section 3:
Children’s responses to adverse life changing events
considers how children are likely to be affected by
different types of loss, including traumatic events such as
parental suicide, family breakdown or being a young
carer. Each event illustrated is supported by scenarios and
both proactive and reactive ways of supporting children
are suggested. An assessment sheet is included for
teachers to record a child’s emotional, physical, cognitive
and behavioural responses.
SECTION 4:
Life changes – a school response provides advice and
potential strategies for schools to manage a critical
incident and respond to sad events. It contains two
workshops intended to allow schools both to raise staff
awareness and to develop a whole school approach to
life changes through the curriculum. A list of
recommended teacher’s resources, information about
organisations offering support to bereaved children and a
list of picture and story books for 3 – 11 year olds about
bereavement, grief, loss and change is provided in this
section.
Life changes is not intended to provide guidance in the
theory of counselling children. It is first and foremost a
practical resource with practical ideas. Talking about loss,
change and grief is a complex task. Schools have an
enormously important role in supporting children and
equipping them for later life as adults in a fast changing
world.
Trialling the draft materials
The draft materials were trialled in a number of primary
schools in order to inform the final draft version. The
comments received were extremely positive, including:
‘I think it is a very full and comprehensive resource that
would be a very useful addition to any school’
Jackie Millier,
Worlebury St Paul’s C of E Primary School
‘Very impressive! Very user-friendly’ Bruce Dale,
Mendip Green First School
‘Ist – well done to all who have worked on this
excellent resource! Completely user-friendly. Very
informative – extremely useful’ Tricia Oates,
Healthy Schools Coordinator,
Bexley
‘Comprehensive package. Up to date ideas. Really liked
the draft copy – lots of hard work gone into it’
Andrea Davis,
St Mark’s VA Primary School
‘The variety of situations covered is wonderful and very
helpful in terms of looking at things from a child’s
perspective’
Sarah Timms,
Locking Primary School
‘Will really be useful for schools as I haven’t seen
anything similar with practical ideas built into it’
Naomi Anstice,
Frodsham Manor House Primary School
‘Brilliant! It’s so informative!’
Suzy Cahill,
Becket Primary School
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Acknowledgements
Life changes was written by Erica Brown,
Vice President of Acorns Hospice and a member of the
chaplaincy team at Birmingham Children’s Hospital
The original author of the Bereavement Section was
Lion Margaret Riley
The Bereavement Section was edited by Erica Brown
Life changes was edited by
Martin Buczkiewicz, Chief Executive, Tacade
Print and production by
Mandy Broadbent, Tacade Communications Manager
Co-ordination of the materials was done by
Andrea Greenfield, Tacade Office Administrator
Design by Peter Horridge, Graphite Design
Tacade would like to thank all the teachers, children
and individuals who trialled and/or commented on the
draft materials and who have provided illustrations. Their
feedback has been invaluable in preparing the final draft.
In particular:
● Naomi Anstice, Frodsham Manor House Primary
School, Frodsham, Cheshire
● Suzy Cahill, Becket Primary School, Worle, North
Somerset
● Mary Chaplin, Julie Patrick and Debbie Tasnier,
St Martin’s Junior C of E School, Worle, North Somerset
● Bruce Dale, Mendip Green First School, Worle, North
Somerset
● Andrea Davis, St Mark’s VA Church of
England/Methodist Ecumenical Primary School, Worle,
North Somerset
● Amanda Downie, Somerhill Junior School, Hove,
East Sussex
● Lion Jean Langmead, Worle Lions Club, MD105 SW
● Sharon Lush, Mile Oak Primary School, Brighton
● Lion Sam Marshall, Hove Lions Club MD105 SE
● Sue Martin, Westbury Leigh C of E Primary School,
Westbury, Wiltshire
● Jacqueline Millier, Worlebury St Pauls School,
Worlebury, North Somerset
● Tricia Oates, Healthy Schools Coordinator,
Bexley Care Trust
● Yvonne Obaidy, SEAL Consultant, Solihull MBC
● Lion Neville Osmond, Harpenden Lions Club MD105 A
● Hilary Pollard, PSHCE and SEAL Consultant, Salford
● Lion Margaret Riley, Holderness Lions Club MD105 C
● Salford Primary Schools
● Sarah Timms, Locking Primary School, Locking, North
Somerset
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Tacade would like to thank all the contributors of the
children’s artwork, stories and poems, which have been
derived from a number of sources. Every effort has been
made to contact and acknowledge the relevant children
and adults.
Tacade would like to thank the following for providing
funding for the development, trialling, print and
production of Life changes:
● The Lions Clubs MD105 British Isles and Ireland
● SCM Philanthropy Foundation
● The Stock Exchange Veterans Charity Association
● Timpson Ltd
● The Zochonis Charitable Trust
Tacade would like to thank Lion David Skinner, District
MD Lifeskills Officer, and the Lions-Tacade Partnership
Steering Group.
Tacade would also like to thank the many individual
Lions Clubs of MD 105 who have sent in donations in
memory of Lions members who have died, including
Lion Ivor Poole of the Leighton Buzzard Lions Club and
Lion John Wilkinson of Newhaven, Peacehaven and
Seaford Lions Club.
Martin Buczkiewicz
Chief Executive
Tacade
June 2010
© Tacade 2010
ISBN Number 1–902469-29-1
Life changes must not be reproduced in part or published
by any other organisation, nor made available to any third
party, without the prior consent of Tacade or the LionsTacade partnership. However, if purchased for educational
purposes the handouts in Section 2 and 4 are copyright free.
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SECTION 1:
The impact of loss, change
and bereavement in the lives
of children
10
Children’s understanding and experience of loss and grief
15
Children’s questions about death and dying
17
Telling sad things and breaking bad news
18
School scenarios
A three year old child
A four year old child
A five year old child
A six year old child
A seven year old child
An eight year old child
A nine year old child
A ten/eleven year old child
25
Participating in funerals and rituals
27
Children’s grief responses
Children anticipating a parent’s death
Children anticipating a grandparent’s death
Talking about a parent or grandparent who is dying
The death of a teacher
The dying child
The dying sibling
Sudden death
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38
Using the confidential record and assessment charts
44
Death and dying in faith and secular contexts
The Buddhist Community
The Christian Community
The Hindu Community
The Jewish Community
The Muslim Community
The Sikh Community
Secular Perspectives
48
Contact details for religious and secular communities
1
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SECTION 1:
The impact of loss, change and bereavement in the lives of children
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Children’s understanding and
experience of loss and grief
Children will encounter loss and change in their everyday
experience. For example, each year thousands of children
face bereavement through the death of a grandparent,
parent/carer, sibling or friend. When someone dies,
adults are often so engrossed in their own grief that
children’s grief may remain unnoticed. However, the way in
which children are helped when sad things happen may
have a profound effect on how they are able to adapt to
loss and change throughout their lives.
Children’s understanding of loss and grief:
3 – 5 year olds
Most very young children will be unable to understand
that objects and people can exist when they are out of
sight. They generally have no concept of time beyond
‘now’. However their response to separation from a
primary carer is generally very intense and often
accompanied by crying. Children of this age should be
including a few words in their vocabulary concerning
emotions such as ‘happy’ and ‘sad’. Although their
vocabulary is limited they may be able to talk about levels
of emotion such as ‘big’ sad (great sadness) or ‘little’ sad
(mild sadness).
When I die I will go in a black van
It is a ride in a box
Pippa aged 5
● Children of this age (3 – 5 years old) are unable to
grasp the concept of death;
● Children who are very young when a person they know
well dies, are unlikely to retain detailed memories of
the person they have ‘lost’;
● Children may think that a dead person is able to carry
out normal activities, such as eating and working. This
is largely because they perceive the dead person as
continuing to live in another dimension;
● Children are at a ‘magical’ stage of thinking, believing
that the world revolves around them and they may
therefore feel responsible if a person dies;
● Children usually interpret adult explanations literally.
Thus, if a person is described as having ‘gone’, the
child is likely to ask when they can go and visit the
person;
● Children’s grief reactions are usually intense but shortlived;
● Children who are grieving are likely to regress to
younger behaviour.
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SECTION 1:
The impact of loss, change and bereavement in the lives of children
Proactive ways of supporting children
aged 3 – 5 years old
● Provide opportunities in the natural world for children to
explore the differences between ‘alive’ and ‘not alive’;
● Use the word ‘dead’ to describe absence of life;
● Avoid the use of euphemisms and metaphors to
describe death;
● Provide opportunities for children to use words that
describe feelings;
● Share stories with themes describing emotions (See
‘Teachers’ resources’ in Section 4).
Reactive ways of supporting children
aged 3 – 5 years old
● Provide continuity of care and routines;
● Encourage creative play and activities such as painting;
● Talk to the child about what has happened;
● Maintain close links with the child’s family;
● Answer questions honestly and in age-appropriate
language;
● Reassure the child that they were not responsible for
what has happened;
● Encourage fun and enjoyment as well as opportunities
to express fears and concerns.
Children’s understanding of loss and grief:
5 – 7 year olds
Because children mature at different rates their
understanding of death, and ways of coping with such life
changes, may vary. It is also helpful to remember that
knowledge comes through experience. Therefore what a
child understands may depend as much on past
experience as it does on his/her chronological age.
● Children aged 5 – 7 years old begin to develop
strategies to help them deal with the world around
them;
● Few young children will understand the permanence of
death and they may believe that being dead means
being asleep;
● Children may believe that their thoughts, actions and
wishes are the cause of what has happened. They may
try to reconcile bereavement by re-enacting the death
as they play;
● Children think in literal terms and therefore
euphemisms or metaphors, such as ‘lost’ or ‘gone
away’, may still be confusing;
● If children ask questions, they are usually asking in
order to gain more information;
● It is unusual for a child to ask more than one question
at a time;
● Children may need to ask the same questions over and
over again in order to make sense of the situation in
different ways.
Proactive ways of supporting children
aged 5 – 7 years old
● Provide opportunities within the curriculum for children
to learn about the physical characteristics of life and
death, loss and change;
● Provide opportunities within the curriculum for children
to use the language associated with death;
● Provide opportunities within the curriculum for children
to talk about their life experience of loss and change;
● Share stories with children that address life experiences
of loss and change.
Reactive ways of supporting children
aged 5 – 7 years old
● Maintain continuity of support;
● Encourage play, drawing and painting to allow the
child to express how they feel;
● Help children to understand the physical signs of
death, such as no movement, heartbeat, breathing;
● Give explanations in easily understood language,
avoiding the use of euphemisms and metaphors;
● Give reassurance to the child that they will be cared for;
● Share books about loss (see ‘Teachers’ resources’ in
Section 4);
● Answer questions honestly and in straight forward age
– appropriate language (see ‘Children’s questions
about death and dying’ below).
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SECTION 1:
The impact of loss, change and bereavement in the lives of children
Children’s understanding of loss and grief:
8 – 11 year olds
Reactive ways of supporting children
aged 8 – 11 years old
By the time most children are eight years old they begin to
understand death as having a cause, as being
permanent and as being something that can happen to
anyone, including themselves.
● Encourage play, drawing and painting to allow the
child to express how they feel;
● Children may show signs of fear, although some
children may demonstrate a denial of their feelings and
appear to be unaffected by a sad event;
● Children are aware that talking about death is often
viewed by adults as taboo;
● Generally, children will expect adults to express
sadness;
● Where families are members of faith communities,
children’s understanding of what happens after death
will reflect the teachings and beliefs of the community
and what they have been taught;
● Children are interested in death rituals, such as
funerals;
● Children are curious about different ways people die;
● Children may still show some confusion about adult
use of euphemisms and metaphors.
Proactive ways of supporting children
aged 8 – 11 years old
● Provide opportunities within the curriculum for children
to talk about emotions;
● Provide opportunities within the curriculum for children
to talk about life changes, including death;
● Provide opportunities within the curriculum for children
to learn about where the end of human life occurs,
such as home, hospital, hospice;
● Provide opportunities within the curriculum for children
to learn about religious and secular customs
associated with death;
● Provide opportunities within the curriculum for children
to express their own ideas about what happens after
earthly life is over;
● Provide opportunities within the curriculum for children
to talk about memories.
● Talk about what has happened in easily understood
language, avoiding the use of euphemisms and
metaphors;
● Share stories about loss and change (see ‘Teachers’
resources’ in Section 4);
● Encourage the child to talk through their own ideas
about death;
● Allow the child to make their own decisions about
whether they join in death rituals/attend funerals;
● Reassure the child that they will be cared for.
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Children’s questions about
death and dying
● Listen carefully to exactly what the child is asking;
● Clarify any unspoken contexts within a question;
● Clarify any confusion or misunderstanding;
Children are naturally curious about death. In order for
them to reach an understanding about death they need to
develop the concept of death as an event and as a
process, as well as being able to separate fact from
fiction. When adults listen carefully to children’s questions
and answer them accurately, it lays one of the most
important foundations for children being able to talk about
their experiences. Adults often find it easier to ask
questions than to answer them!
● Most children will find it helpful if they are given
information about the circumstances of a death;
● When children do not have sufficient information they
may make up their own explanations;
● It is important that the information that children receive
is honest and consistent;
● Children may seek support from outside their family
and friends. School can provide a valuable means of
support.
It is important to:
● Reply to questions in straightforward, easily understood
language, avoiding the use of clichés, euphemisms or
rehearsed answers;
● Strive to give answers that help dispel fantasy and
encourage reality;
● Make distinctions between physical remains and
‘spiritual’ aspects of death;
● Acknowledge adults don’t know all the answers;
● Encourage the child to return to the question as often
as they need.
The questions children ask generally fall
within four main categories:
● A need for factual information;
● A need to check out emotional responses;
● Searching for a reason for what has happened;
● Spiritual or religious concerns.
● Consider the age and the developmental level of the
child;
Dilip aged 8