Module 11
Communication Skills
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Module 11
Communication Skills
11a Content and Comments
This module contains a selection of explanations of communication styles and
exercises, as well as some basic exercises like how to discuss a case. The format
differs slightly from the other modules. The exercises can be used for a specific
training on communication skills, but they can just as well be used as an integral
part of any other training.
11b Objectives
to understand the importance of verbal, non-verbal and para-verbal
communication.
to explore personal experiences with non-verbal communication.
to learn about basic communication skills.
to distinguish active listening responses from non-listening responses.
to introduce and practice with open ended questions.
to define paraphrasing and summarizing.
to apply paraphrasing and summarizing.
to understand the advantages of “I” statements.
to learn about reframing through examples and exercises.
to define the characteristics of good feedback.
to practice constructive feedback.
11c Suggested Training Schedule
Part I Verbal and Non-verbal Communication
time in minutes
11.2 Exercise: Para-verbal Communication
15
11.3 Exercise: The Sound of Silence
15
11.4 Presentation: Non-verbal Communication
11.5 Exercise: A Hand Story
30
11.6 Exercise: Verbal and Non-verbal Communication
15
11.7 Exercise I’m Happy, I’m Miserable
15
Part II Basic Communication Skills
11.8 Exercise: Following Directions
11.9 Presentation: Active Listening
11.10 Exercise: Active Listening (1)
11.11 Exercise: Active Listening (2)
11.12 Exercise: Listening for Feelings
Part III Listening to Clients
11.13 Presentation: Listening to a Client
11.14 Exercise: Non-listening Responses
11.15 Presentation: Listening to a Client Continued
30
30
30
30
45
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11.16 Presentation: Open-Ended Questions
11.17 Exercise: Open-Ended Questions
Part IV More Communication Skills
11.18 Presentation: Paraphrasing
11.19 Exercise” Paraphrasing (1)
11.20 Exercise Paraphrasing (2)
11.21 Presentation: Summarizing
11.22 Presentation: “I” Statements
11.23 Exercise: “I” Statements (1)
11.24 Exercise: “I” Statements (2)
11.25 Presentation: Reframing
11.26 Exercise: Reframing
11.27 Presentation: Feedback
11.28 Exercise: Feedback
11.29 Presentation: Receiving Feedback
11d Ideas and Suggestions for Trainers
45
30
30
30
30
45
45
Ideally, the trainer(s) is (are) skilled in communication training
The exercises can all be done in about two days, but they could also be
included in other trainings
It is possible to do some physical exercises in between
From time to time, in between exercises, there should be some discussion on
how the participants can use these exercises in their work.
11e Training Material
Overhead projector and sheets
Handouts
A collection of picture postcards
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11 Content of the Module on Communication Skills
Part 1 Verbal and Non-verbal Communication
11.1 Introduction
When we start planning group- or individual work, in both psychosocial
programmes and any other activity around helping and working with people, it
is a great advantage to be acquainted with basic communication skills. This is
especially relevant for counselling and/or therapeutic work.
Unfortunately, good communication is not taught at school, the education system
is not directly aimed at more successful communication. Consequently, the
majority of people communicates by means of what they pick up in everyday life,
sometimes more, sometimes less successful.
Verbal, non-verbal and para-verbal communication
When we talk about communication amongst people in general, we need to bear
in mind that communication consists of three basic segments: verbal, non-verbal
and para-verbal.
Verbal Communication
Verbal communication has to do with the contents of what we are talking about,
the words that are spoken.
Para-verbal Communication
Para-verbal communication represents the way we speak. We send messages
through the strength, tone and colour of our voice, and with the speed of our
words and sentences. All of these elements significantly influence the way we are
interpreted. Our listeners discern our mood and the state we are in through
pauses in speech, trembling of our voice, its strength and firmness
11.2 Exercise: Para-verbal Communication (15 min)
Objective: To become aware of para-verbal communication.
Steps:
1. The trainer thinks of a sentence (for example, “Today is a beautiful warm and
sunny day and I feel really good,”) that the students then have to repeat out
loud in different ways, changing:
tone (monotone, flat, lively, different intonation, hesitantly, trembling,
broken)
speed (fast, medium, slow)
volume (loud, medium, soft)
diction (clear or unclear pronunciation, different regional accents)
2. Discuss the exercise:
What did you notice about the different ways of repeating the sentence?
How did speed affect the meaning of the sentence?
How does the same sentence come across when uttered loudly or very
quietly?
Another important aspect of para-verbal communication, which is rarely
mentioned, is pauses in a client’s speech, which can last from seconds to several
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minutes. Pauses can either be negative and rejecting or positive and accepting. It
is impossible to pin down exactly the meaning of all pauses, but the following
are the most frequent reasons:
the client has reached the end of a thought
anxiety, embarrassment
the client is experiencing some particular painful feeling which she is not
ready to share
the client leaves an “anticipatory” silence when expecting something from the
counsellor (information, support, interpretation, reassurance)
the client is thinking over what she has just said
the client is recovering from fatigue of a previous emotional expression
11.3 Exercise: The Sound of Silence (15 min)
Objective: To encourage listening skills and the enjoyment of silence.
Material: A series of picture postcards.
Steps:
1. All participants sit quietly in a circle and focus to hear the most distant sound
outside the room. Then spend a minute or two listening to a sound from
inside the room. Finally, everybody listens to the sounds from their own
bodies and thoughts. Afterwards everyone in the group shares their
experience:
What was it like to be quiet?
Was it hard?
How often are you quiet?
How often do we actually hear little sounds?
What happened when you listened to your thoughts?
2. The pictures are distributed around the room for everyone to see and all
choose one that impresses them in some way. Now, the participants form
pairs and explain to their partners why they chose this particular picture.
Each takes their turn to speak for 3 to 5 minutes while the other encourages
her to talk without interruption.
3. Get back into one group again and discuss the exercise:
What was harder for you: speaking or listening?
What was it like to be heard?
How did it feel to listen for 3 minutes without interrupting the speaker?
How well did your partner listen?
How often do other people really listen to you?
How often do you really listen to other people?
11.4 Presentation Non-verbal Communication
Through non-verbal communication we send out a great number of messages
about how we feel, what we think and our reactions to people from our
surroundings or a particular situation. In order to basically understand this
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concept, it is useful to divide non-verbal communication into communication
through body signals and the communication through the surroundings.
Non-verbal communication behaviour through the body:
eye contact - looking at a specific object, looking down, looking steady at the
helper, shifting eyes from object to object, covering eyes with hands
eyes - tears, “wide-eyed”
skin – looking pale, blushing
posture - indicator of alertness or tiredness, “eager” and ready for activity,
crossing legs, arms crossed in front, hanging head
facial expression - stoical, wrinkling forehead or nose, smiling, biting lip
hand and arm gestures - symbolic gestures, demonstration of how something
happened
repetitive behaviour - tapping foot or fingers, trembling, playing with button
or hair
Non-verbal communication behaviour with regard to the environment:
distance - moving away (or forward) when another person moves closer
position in the room - moving around the room, protecting self by having
objects (e.g. desk, table) between self and other person, sitting position (in the
centre of the room, side by side)
clothing - neat, untidy, casual/formal, warm/cold colours, lively/ dull,
expensive/ Spartan
11.5 Exercise: A Hand Story (30 min)
Objective: Explaining non-verbal communication through one of its forms.
Steps:
1. The group splits up into smaller groups (ca. four per subgroup, preferably
persons who do not know each other but would like to become acquainted).
The subgroups sit in small circles, hands lightly folded in their laps. The
trainer gives the following instructions:
Close your eyes and get in touch with your body... Notice what is going on
inside your head... Become aware of you breathing... Notice tension or
discomfort... See if you can become more comfortable... Now bring your hands
together as if they were strangers... Let them discover each other... What are
the hands like...? Let your hands rest again... Open your eyes. Reach out to the
hands of the persons on both sides of you.... Be aware of your thoughts,
images, and fantasies... Say hello with your hands... Gently try to get to know
these hands... Try to express different feelings and attitudes through your
hands:
express playfulness
be caring and tender
be active
express arrogance
be timid
express anger
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be loving
express irritation
express joy
act depressed
express happiness
2. Come back to the large group again and discuss:
How did you feel holding your partners’ hands?
Were you able to convey the assigned emotions with your hands?
Were you able to feel the other ones’ feelings through your hands?
What feelings were the easiest to receive?
What feeling was the easiest to express with your hands
Non-verbal Communication
The position of our body while we talk, gestures, movements, eye contact, colour
of voice, all these signals emphasize, or sometimes even shape the way our
message is understood. Although we often presume that the content is the basis
of what others pick up from us, this is only true if our verbal, para-verbal and
non-verbal messages are in accordance. However, when the spoken part of a
message is in discord with the position of the body and colour of voice, the
interpreted meaning of the message changes significantly. Research has shown
that the content of a speech makes for only 30 percent of the message, while the
listener, consciously or unconsciously, grants more importance to para-verbal and
non-verbal messages.
11.6 Exercise: Verbal and Non-verbal Communication (15 min)
Objective: To become aware of the verbal, non-verbal, and para-verbal aspects of
communication, and to recognise messages where these three aspects do not
agree.
Steps:
The trainer or one of the participants thinks of a sentence that is as simple as
possible (for example, “I’m glad to be here with you today and I hope we have a
good and productive day”). This sentence is expressed in three different ways:
Sit in a comfortable, open position (legs and arms not crossed), smile, look the
others in the eye, loudly, clearly, and cheerfully utter the sentence.
Pronounce the sentence just like the first time – happy, loud, and clear – but
sit with your legs and arms crossed and look at the floor.
Sit with your legs and arms crossed, look at the floor, slowly rock back and
forth, hang your head, and in a quiet, shaky voice, almost as if you were about
to cry, say the assigned sentence.
The discussion:
When did you most believe in the words?
What led you to believe it?
What led you to not believe it?
What was your impression of the second way of expression (the non-verbal
message did not agree)?
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What was your impression of the third manner of expression (the non-verbal
and the para-verbal message did not agree with the contents)?
Exchange personal experiences – When did our own messages “disagree” or
when did we notice that someone’s verbal and non-verbal messages were
different?
11.7 Exercise: ‘I’m Happy, I’m Miserable’ (15 min)
Objective: To illustrate discrepancies between verbal and non-verbal
communication.
Steps: All participants sit in a circle. One player turns to her neighbour and
begins by saying either: “I’m very happy,” while making a miserable face, or by
saying: “I’m very miserable and sad,” with a very big smile. Continue around the
circle, with everyone carrying out the assignment as well as they can.
Discuss:
How do you feel about this exercise?
Was it difficult for you to say that you are happy while making a sad face?
What was more important, the words or the facial expression?
Explanation: Leading theorists and practitioners in this field hold that non-verbal
behaviour should be seen as a key to the emotions and motives of a person that
are beyond behaviour or reactions. The advisor should bear in mind that the
same behaviour in two different people does not mean the same; it does not
mean the same even with the same person in two different situations (cultural,
social or situational differences). Non-verbal behaviour reveals additional
information about a client, her feelings and thoughts to the counsellor. Often, a
client sends one message through words and a completely different one through
her body, voice or facial expressions. Providing feedback to a client about her
non-verbal behaviour helps her to become conscious of that behaviour and
encourages her to share with us those important and unstated feelings.
Apart from being skilful in observing and reacting to non-verbal messages of a
client, a counsellor should also be conscious of the influence of her own nonverbal behaviour towards the client. It is important for the counsellor to create
natural, relaxed and genuine eye contact, to sit openly, without obstacles
between her and a client and to assume a relaxed and natural body position.
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Part II Basic Communication Skills
In this section we will discuss basic communication skills: active listening, openended questions, paraphrasing, summarizing, “I” statements, reframing and
giving or receiving feedback.
The following skills are at the basis of the therapeutic/counselling process and
used by most counsellors and therapist regardless of their particular theoretical
orientation.
11.8 Exercise: Following Directions (30 min)
Objective: To illustrate communication difficulties.
Material: (Handout 1) One for the demonstration, enough copies for all pairs.
Handout 1- DIRECTION FOLLOWING
Samples of few simple pictures:
Steps: The group splits up in pairs. One of each pair takes a picture and gives
instructions to the other to reproduce it. No short cuts, such as descriptive
phrases, are allowed. The participant describing the picture should not be able to
see the drawing until it is finished. Wait until everyone is done and compare
your results. The partners switch roles.
Discussion:
Was it easy or difficult to get the picture just right?
Why?
Did you receive clear and good instructions?
Do you think that you gave clear and good instructions?
Did you find that at times your partner was unable to understand what you
meant even though it seemed perfectly clear to you?
11.9 Presentation: Active Listening
Active listening is the first condition for proper and especially successful
communication. Its basic component is comprehensive listening. The well-known
psychotherapist C. Rogers says it is done through “thinking with a client”, and
not “thinking about a client” or “thinking instead of a client”. To do this we need
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to follow the constant verbal, para-verbal and non-verbal messages of our client
which requires a high level of concentration and appropriate reactions to show
the client that she is really heard and to serve as an incentive for continuing and
deepening communication.
Active listening demands full attention. Problems and attitudes can be expressed
in a number of ways, and it is up to us to “tune in” to all of these channels –
non-verbal communication (position of the body, gestures, long pauses, speed of
delivery), voice (tone and colour), and actual words.
11.10 Exercise: Active Listening (1) (30 min)
Objective: To be aware of how we feel when someone listens to us or does not
listen to us.
Steps: The group splits up in pairs. Each pair has a Person A and a Person B.
Person A starts by talking for 4 minutes about something that is significant in
her life at the moment. Meanwhile Person B listens carefully for two minutes
(trying to show her partner non-verbally that she believes that what person A
says is important). The remaining two minutes person B does not listen at all
(and makes every effort to show that she is not listening). They change roles.
Return to the large group and discuss the exercise:
How did you feel when the other person listened to you carefully?
How did you know that she was hearing you?
In what way did she show that she was listening to you?
How did you feel when the other person did not listen to you?
How could you tell that she was not listening to you?
11.11 Exercise: Active Listening (2) (30 min)
Objective: To encourage listening skills.
Material: A collection of different postcards distributed around the room.
Steps: The pictures are distributed around the room in a way that everyone can
see them and all participants choose one that impresses them in some way. The
group splits up in pairs and each person has 3 to 5 minutes to try to explain why
she picked a particular postcard. The listener will encourage her to speak without
interruptions. Then the partners change roles, the listeners become the speakers.
Return to the large group and discuss:
What was harder for you, speaking or listening?
What was it like to be listened to?
How did it feel to listen for 3 minutes without interrupting?
How well did your partner listen?
How often do other people really listen to you?
How often do you really listen to other people?
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11.12 Exercise: Listening for Feelings (30 min)
Objective: To identify the feelings behind what is actually said.
Steps: The group splits up in pairs. The couples talk to each other about
something that is important to them (for example a relationship, a problem, their
job) for about three minutes. After the first person has spoken for three minutes,
the listener has one minute to describe the feelings that she imagines the
speaker has about the subject. The couples change roles. Still in pairs the
participants discuss how the exercise felt and where they agree and disagree
about the feelings that were identified.
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Part III Listening to Clients
11.13 Presentation: Listening to a Client
Listen carefully to the client. Your direct attention should be focussed on:
a) Content (words, the story behind the problem)
b) The meaning of unfinished sentences (“And then he did THAT to me.”)
c) What is not being said
d) Speed/tardiness in delivery
e) Pauses in speech
f) Contradictions, ambivalence, paradoxes
g) Changing of the subject during the conversation
h) Feelings (whether the woman states them herself, or they are not actually
voiced in words)
i) Your own reaction to what the woman is telling you
You know you are not actively listening when:
you order your client what to do (“First you apologize and pack your things,
we will discuss everything later.”)
you scare your client (“If you do it that way, all sorts of things will happen.”)
you moralize and/or lecture (“It is best for children to have both parents and
you will deprive them of that.”)
you give cut-and-dried answers or solutions (“In such situation, it is best to
stop all previous contacts, go to a social worker, file for a divorce, etc.”)
you criticize, estimate and judge the client or her behaviour (“What you have
done was neither wise nor responsible.”)
you interpret her words in your own way (“You say your marriage is bad, that
means he neglects and physically abuses you.”)
11.14 Exercise: Non-Listening Responses (45 min)
Objective: To recognize it when people respond in ways that indicate they aren’t
listening, and also to demonstrate how it feels not to be listened to.
Material: Small text for role-play exercise.
Steps:
1. The trainer reads a text (or creates a role-play scenario with a member of the
group) to demonstrate a non-listening response, for example:
Anna: My day was a complete disaster.
Mom: Please, honey, not now, I’m trying to get this cleaning done.
Anna: My boss started shouting at me in front of everyone.
Mom: I’m sure that she had good reason.
Anna: Well, I don’t know the reason.
Mom: I’m sure she knew it.
Anna: It was really hard for me.
Mom: You’ll have forgotten about it tomorrow.
Anna: I am so embarrassed.
Mom: Oh, you’re such a pain to me and your father.
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Other situations for role-playing are also possible (non-listening responses
between friends, colleagues at work, or between partners).
2. After the exercise have a discussion with the group:
What types of non-listening responses do we use every day?
Why do we use them?
Identify other types of non-listening responses.
How do you feel when you want to be heard and someone gives you a
typical non-listening response?
3. Write all types of non-listening responses that are raised in the group
discussion on the flip chart (e.g. changing the subject, being busy, switching
off, being a know-it-all, brushing the topic aside, giving false hope, etc.).
11.15 Presentation: Listening to a Client Continued
The only exception to the rule that says not to give advice is in crisis counselling.
Here it is necessary to provide concrete information or advice on where and
whom to go to for help or support.
In order to develop more successful communication, after careful active listening
it is useful to gather additional information (open-ended questions), to check
how well you have understood what your client has told you (paraphrasing and
summarizing) and to offer your own feelings and thoughts on what has been
said (“I” statements). Also, sometimes it is necessary to reframe the problem for
clarification, directing it towards positive aspects, enhancing better
understanding and finding common positions with regard to the problem.
(Sheet 2 Handout 2)
ACTIVE LISTENING
Active listening includes quiet listening followed by feedback to the client about
the:
understanding of the content
acceptance of the client’s feelings
11.16 Presentation: Open-Ended questions
After we have carefully listened to a person’s problem, story or account, we often
have a need to obtain additional information in order to create a clearer picture
of what has been said. To do this we use additional questions. Open-ended
questions ask for more information than a yes or no. This type of questions
opens the door to a discussion of feelings rather than facts, and encourages
clients to share their concerns and explore their attitudes, feelings and thoughts.
11.17 Exercise: Open-Ended Questions (45 min)
Objective: Revealing the role of open-ended questions and their uses.
Steps:
1. The group splits up into threesomes. Each group has a Person A, a Person B,
and a Person C. Person A speaks of the last time she had fun or took a
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vacation. Person B asks open-ended questions in order to keep the
conversation going. Person C takes notes of all the open-ended questions she
observes in the course of the conversation.
2. Return to the large group and discuss:
What open-ended questions were used (count them)?
What effects did they have on the dynamics of the conversation?
Were the questions appropriate, and were they asked in the right way?
Explanation: Open-ended questions are often mistakenly understood or used as a
kind of direct questions about someone’s characteristics and intimate issues.
They may seem to aim at the problem in no roundabout way. Asking questions in
such a way is not always productive. Moreover, they may leave our interlocutor
with the impression that we are in a hurry, that we do not have the time to hear
the story at the speed suitable to her. She might find the questions inappropriate
and too hasty.
(Sheet 3 Handout 2)
OPEN - ENDED QUESTIONS
Open-ended questions enhance conversation and sharing of information. It is
difficult to answer them with one word (YES / NO). They require additional
explanation.
“Can you tell me some more about it?”
“What would you like to add?”
“That is interesting. I would like to know more about it.”
“How will it reflect on …?”
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Part IV More Communication Skills
11.18 Presentation: Paraphrasing
After we have listened to a person, it is wise to check to what extent we have
understood what was said. We should always bear in mind that communication
is a two-way process with two people participating. The way we listen to
someone depends on a series of factors – our own mood at the moment, our
level of concentration, various connotations we ascribe to the same words, etc.
For that reason, allow yourself the opportunity to repeat what you have heard in
your own words in two to three sentences. This way, your client is able to correct
you or to add something that is important to her. She may unintentionally have
left something out earlier on.
11.19 Exercise: Paraphrasing (1) (30 min)
Objective: To become aware of paraphrasing.
Steps:
1. The group splits up in pairs. Each pair has a Person A and a Person B. Person A
speaks for five minutes about her wants and needs at this moment, and
Person B actively listens, without interrupting or asking questions. Then
Person B has one minute to paraphrase everything that she heard. Switch
roles.
2. Return to the large group and start a discussion:
How did it feel when your partner was actively listening to you?
How did you know that she was listening to you?
How well did your partner paraphrase your wants and needs?
How did it feel when another person expressed your wants and needs?
11.20 Exercise: Paraphrasing (2) (30 min)
Objective: To become aware of paraphrasing.
Steps:
1. A possible variation on the exercise, “I Would Walk for Miles.” A member of
the group tells what she would walk miles for. Then the next person
paraphrases her statement in her own words (for example, “I heard that my
colleague would walk miles for her child, a meeting with a close member of
her family, her partner, to find herself, etc.”) and continues with what she
herself would walk miles for. Then the next participant takes over and so on.
2. Return to the large group and begin a discussion:
How difficult was it to paraphrase your neighbour’s words?
Was it hard to think of your own answer while you were actively listening
to the other participants?
Was any reason especially unexpected?
Were any reasons repeated?
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(Sheet 4 Handout 2)
PARAPHRASING
To paraphrase is too repeat in short a person’s statement in your own words. It
can be in the form of a question or a statement. It invites your collocutor to
confirm your statement, enabling you to check whether you have understood the
content correctly.
“So, to my understanding ….”
“If I understood correctly, you were saying …”
“It seems to me that you are proposing …”
11.21 Presentation: Summarizing
Apart from paraphrasing, which is used to check a part of a story or a problem,
in order to achieve successful communication, we use summarizing as well. The
only difference between paraphrasing and summarizing is that summarizing
refers to what has been said overall. Both paraphrasing and summarizing enable
us to check whether we have heard and understood correctly what our collocutor
meant to say.
(Sheet 5 Handout 2)
SUMMARIZING
Summarizing includes enumerating the key thesis, recapitulation of the
conversation thus far, and reformulating a longer statement into a shorter, more
direct form. It helps maintain the dialogue, secures clearness and gives room to
check whether we have understood correctly what was being stated.
“So, the main two things that follow from our conversation are …”
“On today’s meeting, we have covered three main topics. Those are …”
“So far, we have agreed on the following …”
11.22 Presentation: “I” Statements
It is difficult to name the sentences that speak about our own thoughts and
feelings, but the above-mentioned term has already taken root. Most important is
that we are not referring to what the group thinks (“We think …”) or to how
something should be done (“This is done such and so…”). We are talking about
ourselves, our emotional response to a certain behaviour or situation. In that
way, we avoid accusing our collocutor, and give no rise to misunderstanding or
conflict. This does not mean that the sentence necessarily has to contain the
pronoun I.
These type of sentences express our feelings and attitudes without judging other
people’s behaviour. By using these sentences, we retain the responsibility, not
transfer it to others.
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11.23 Exercise: “I” Statements (1) (30 min)
Objective: To learn how to use “I” statements.
Steps:
1. The group facilitator describes a hypothetical situation around some problem
the whole group can identify with (for example, your workplace is far from
the centre of town, it’s inconvenient, small, and cold, and you don’t have the
financial means to find a new one. The coordinator is angry at the donor, the
organization, and at all her colleagues, because no one wants to address this
problem).
2. Each member of the group makes an “I” statement about the situation (you
might want to go around the circle two or three times).
Discuss:
Do you understand the concept of “I” statements?
What effect did the “I” statements have on the group dynamics?
How does it feel to give an “I” statement?
11.24 Exercise: “I” Statements (2) (30 min)
Objective: To frame critical statements in a non-threatening way.
Steps:
1. This exercise is about brainstorming techniques. Sit in a circle and combine
your thoughts to come up with original ideas. The trainer poses different
statements which the group then rephrases into “I” statements that are as
non-threatening as possible. For example:
Trainer: “You never listen to what I say.”
Group members: “I have a problem.” “I feel like you don’t listen to me.”
2. Begin a discussion:
Do the new sentences sound accusatory?
Is it difficult to rephrase the sentences in this way?
How do you think this would work in real life?
Do you think that communicating in this way can be useful?
(Sheet 6 Handout 2)
“I” STATEMENTS
Formula:
I am + description of feelings + description of behaviour
These type of messages express our personal feelings, they do not judge and do
not “correct”. We are not transferring any responsibility to the other person.
Such expressions do not cause defensiveness, they foster further communication
and explanations.
“It is hard for me to follow when you are jumping from subject to subject.” (You
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are confused and unorganized.)
“I am worried about the relations in the group and I need your help.” (You are
not a team player.)
“I feel bad about you not completing the report because I have promised the
donor to send it.” (You never do things in time.)
11.25 Presentation: Reframing
Reframing is one of the most powerful communication skills, but it also requires
the most practice and exercise. It means repeating what you have heard, but
reformulated so that it is based on positive values of the message and removing
negative or judgmental implications.
In order to successfully reframe a statement, we need to find the right meaning
of the stated message and use it is as the basis for reframing. Recognizing and
accepting the problem of the other person mostly enables us to move the
conversation in a more positive direction
11.26 Exercise: Reframing (45 min)
Objective: To become familiar with reframing.
Material: Small story.
Steps:
1. The leader starts with a short story:
The Wise Man
Once upon a time there was a king who had a strange dream. He dreamt that
all of his teeth fell out. Unhappy and distressed, he gathered all of his advisors
and wise men to see if they could tell him the meaning of this dream.
The first wise man humbly approached the king and said, “Your majesty. It is a
bad sign. It means that everyone in your family will die before you.” The
vexed king dismissed the advisor that instant, and ordered him banished to a
distant land.
Another advisor approached and said, “O our King! You will outlive your
entire family.” Sincerely pleased, the king gave the wise man a rich reward.
2. Share comments and discuss:
What were your impressions of this example?
Describe a time in your own life when you used reframing.
What do you find difficult about reframing?
In what situations do you think reframing could be helpful?
(Handout 2)
REFRAMING
Reframing is the most complex of communication skills. It consists of several
techniques. In order to reframe, we need to:
Notice the positive values the message is based on
Admira Module 11
19
Eliminate negative, aggressive or judgmental implications
It is useful to reframe the following:
need
blame
future
past
common problem
individual problem worry
threat
“You have done that before and that is why you are suffering now.”
Reframed: “It is important to know what has been happening and to see how to
avoid it in the future so that it resolves to your advantage.”
11.27 Presentation: Feedback
Feedback is a form of communication with another person about the effects of
her behaviour on us.
Whether we are able to hear and listen to feedback depends on our attitudes,
beliefs, ingrained patterns of behaviour, as well as our readiness to receive
criticism. However, the formulation of the feedback is very important. There are
certain rules for the presentation of feedback and these make it easier to receive
it as a useful suggestion for further professional development.
11.28 Exercise: Feedback (45 min)
Objective: To encourage the use of positive feedback and affirmation.
Steps:
1. The group splits up in pairs. Each participant in the pair introduces herself for
five minutes, thereby relating some little-known facts about herself: her
unusual hobby, secret talent, etc. Then all return to the large group and each
participant introduces her partner by describing her experience of this
introduction. The sentences should be short and clear. The participant should
avoid relating every detail, but instead give their general impression of the
other person (for example, “Ana is a strong person. She values accuracy and
responsibility in her life. She is ready to help others.”).
2. Return to the large group and discuss:
Was it easy for you to hear about your positive sides?
Were you surprised to hear some of them?
Did you feel good or embarrassed, and why?
Does your image of yourself match what your partner said about you?
Which view is better?
(Handout 3)
Presentation: Characteristics of good feedback:
1. Feedback is not the same as criticism.
2. Feedback describes, it does not judge.
3. Feedback is mostly made of “I” statements.
4. Information is directed to a PARTICULAR BEHAVIOUR, not the person on the whole.
20
Admira Module 11
5. Feedback refers to the SPECIFIC, not the general.
6. The aim is to provide information that can HELP the other person, not hurt
her.
7. Feedback should refer to behaviour that can be changed (for instance, it
should not refer to certain physical characteristics or events over which the
person has no control).
8. Feedback should be about INFORMATION, not advice.
9. Feedback should be provided at the right time, ideally immediately after a
certain behaviour.
10.Feedback is more useful if a person asks for it, than if it is imposed.
11.Feedback should refer to WHAT and HOW something is done, not WHY it is
done.
12.After providing feedback, always check whether it was understood correctly.
11.29 Presentation: Receiving Feedback
1. Feedback helps us increase our self-awareness.
2. If you want feedback, encourage and support the person you are asking it
from.
3. Try to be open for information and don’t be defensive.
4. Nothing needs to be explained or defended.
5. After receiving feedback, share your feelings with the person providing it.
6. If you are not certain you have understood the feedback correctly, ask on.
Admira Module 11
21
11f Acknowledgements
This Module has been developed and written by Maja Mamula of the Women’s
Room in Zagreb.
11g Suggestions for Further Reading
Babbitt, E., Gutlove, P. & Jones, L. (ed.), Handbook of Basic Conflict Resolution
Skills. The Balkan Peace Project, MA.1994.
Brammer, L.M., Shostrom, E.L. & Abrego, P.J., Therapeutic Psychology:
Fundamentals of Counselling and Psychotherapy. Prentice-Hall International
Editions. 1989.
Brodsky, A.M. & Hare-Mustin, R. (ed.), Women and Psychotherapy. The Guilford
Press, NY. 1980.
Burstow, B., Radical Feminist Therapy. Sage Publications, CA.1992.
Cormier, L.S. & Hackney, H., The Professional Counsellor: A Process Guide to
Helping. Prentice-Hall International Editions. 1987.
George, R.L. & Cristiani, T.S., Counselling - Theory and practice. Simon & Schuster
Inc, MA. 1990.
Leffkof, M.,Communication skills - training manual. Ars Publica, Santa Fe, New
Mexico. 1993.
Meyer, S.T. & Davis, S.R., The Elements of Counselling. Brooks & Cole Publishing
Company, CA. 1993.
22
Admira Module 11
Sheets and Handouts
Module 11
Communication Skills
Communication Skills
1. Active listening
2. Open ended questions
3. Paraphrising
4. Summarising
5. ‘I’ statements
6. Reframing
Admira
Sheet 1 Module 11
Active listening includes quiet listening
followed by feedback to the collocutor
about:
The understanding of the content
The acceptance of the collocutor’s
feelings
Admira
Sheet 2 Module 11
Open - Ended Questions
Open-ended questions enhance conversation
and sharing of information. It is difficult to
answer with one word (YES/NO). They
require additional explanation.
“Can you tell me something more about it?”
“What would you like to add?”
“That is interesting. I would like to know
more about it.”
“How will it reflect on …?”
Admira
Sheet 3 Module 11
Paraphrasing
To paraphrase is to repeat in short a
person’s statement in your own words. It
can be done in the form of a question or a
statement. It invites your collocutor to
confirm your statement, enabling you to
check whether you have understood the
content correctly.
“So, to my understanding ….”
“If I understood correctly, you were saying
…”
“It seems to me that you are proposing …”
Admira
Sheet 4 Module 11
Summarizing
Summarizing includes enumerating the key
thesis, recapitulation of the conversation
thus far, and reformulating a longer
statement into a shorter, more direct form.
It helps maintain the dialogue, secures
clearness and gives room to check whether
we have understood correctly what was
being stated.
“So, the main two things that follow from
our conversation are …”
“In today’s meeting, we have covered three
main topics. They are …”
“So far, we have agreed on the following …”
Admira
Sheet 5 Module 11
“I” Statements
Formula:
I am + description of feelings + description
of behaviour
“I” statements express our personal feelings
They do not judge and do not “correct”.
Admira
Sheet 6 Module 11
DIRECTION FOLLOWING
Samples of few simple pictures:
Admira
Handout 1 Module 11
ACTIVE LISTENING
Active listening includes quiet listening followed by feedback to the collocutor
about:
The understanding of the content
The acceptance of the collocutor’s feelings
OPEN - ENDED QUESTIONS
Open-ended questions enhance conversation and sharing of information. It is
difficult to answer with one word (YES/NO). They require additional explanation.
“Can you tell me some more about it?”
“What would you like to add?”
“That is interesting. I would like to know more about it.”
“How will it reflect on …?”
PARAPHRASING
To paraphrase is to repeat in short a person’s statement in your own words. It
can be done in the form of a question or a statement. It invites your collocutor to
confirm your statement, enabling you to check whether you have understood the
content correctly.
“So, to my understanding ….”
“If I understood correctly, you were saying …”
“It seems to me that you are proposing …”
SUMMARIZING
Summarizing includes enumerating the key thesis, recapitulation of the
conversation thus far, and reformulating a longer statement into a shorter, more
direct form. It helps maintain the dialogue, secures clearness and gives room to
check whether we have understood correctly what was being stated.
“So, the main two things that follow from our conversation are …”
“On today’s meeting, we have covered three main topics. Those are …”
“So far, we have agreed on the following …”
“I” STATEMENTS
Formula:
I am + description of feelings + description of behaviour
These type of messages express our personal feelings, they do not judge and do
not “correct”. We are not transferring responsibility to the other person. These
expressions do not cause defensiveness, they fosters further communication and
explanations.
“It is hard for me to follow when you are jumping from subject to subject.” (You
are confused and unorganized.)
“I am worried about the relations in the group and I need your help.” (You are
not a team player.)
“I feel bad about you not completing the report because I have promised the
donor to send it. (You never do things in time.)
Admira
Handout 2 Module 11
REFRAMING
Reframing is the most complex communication skill. It consists of several
techniques. In order to reframe, we need to:
Notice the positive values the message is based on
Eliminate negative, aggressive or judgmental implications
It is useful to reframe the following:
need
blame
future
past
common problem
individual problem worry
threat
“You have done that before and that is why you are suffering now.”
Reframed: “It is important to know what has been happening and to see how to
avoid it in the future so that it would resolve to your advantage.”
Admira
Handout 2 Module 11
Characteristics of good feedback:
1. Feedback is not the same as criticism.
2. Feedback describes, it does not judge.
3. Feedback is mostly made of “I” statements.
4. Information is directed to a PARTICULAR BEHAVIOUR, not the person on the
whole.
5. Feedback refers to the SPECIFIC, not the general.
6. The aim is to provide information that can HELP the other person, not hurt
her.
7. Feedback should refer to the behaviour that can be changed (for instance, it
should not refer to certain physical characteristics or events over which the
person has no control).
8. Feedback should be about INFORMATION, not advice.
9. Feedback should be provided at the right time, ideally immediately after a
certain behaviour.
10. Feedback is more useful if a person asks for it, than if it is imposed.
11. Feedback should refer to WHAT and HOW something is done, not WHY it is
done.
12. After providing feedback, always check whether it was understood correctly.
Receiving Feedback
1. Feedback helps us to increase our self-awareness.
2. If you want feedback, encourage and support the person you are asking it
from.
3. Try to be open for information and don’t be defensive.
4. Nothing needs to be explained or defended.
5. After receiving feedback, share your feelings with the person providing it.
6. If you are not certain you have understood the feedback correctly, ask on.
Admira
Handout 3 Module 11