Seattle Forever
By In Utero Goddess (Eryn Mulloy)
Seattle, Washington, 2004
Seattle seemed like my Hollywood. In my mind, the whole city was in lights, and I dreamt of the
day finally to meet it. About a year ago, me and 4 of my close friends from online started to plan
this trip, as we all really wanted to go. But all have been dreaming to go for years. We decided to go
during Kurt Cobain’s 10 year death anniversary, so we can at least be in Seattle on one of the many
past and future anniversaries to come. We all did our part in arranging the trip and finding any
Nirvana related places to visit. It never sunk into me the entire time as I waited to go, and knew I
was finally going, that I would be there. I thought if I thought about it too much I’d make myself
sick. Finally , April 3rd came, the day I finally got to met the city of my dreams. I was so nervous
going to the airport, it was raining here in Denver, and it never does. The entire ride to the airport I
was just a mess, smoking and smoking. Once I got inside the airport and made my way to my gate, I
was doing much better. I am traveling with my friend Nicole from Australia. She came to Denver, 2
days prior, because she too was nervous to arrive in the city alone. I was too. It intimidated me.
11:45 AM Denver International Airport April 3rd
“ I’m waiting for the place that I’ve wanted for so long. I hate myself that I get so nervous, but I am
doing pretty well then what I thought. Sitting here waiting, I am trying to pick out Seattle Locals,
returning home. I think I see only three. A lot of older people are on this flight. I wonder what that’s
all about. Nicole is doing fine- relaxed as can be. Id be more like a train wreck. I just want a
cigarette. I have not eaten a single thing today. I do not eat before I go on flight I am super nervous
on. I could not eat even if I had a steak platter in front of me right now. I want to stay awake on the
whole flight. I’m trying to not think about it, think about anything, or where I am going. I fear I will
have a panic attack or something. I don’t think I know what I am doing.”
This was all our first time ever going to the city, to that, it made it better. I had distract myself on
the entire flight, pretending I do not know where I am going, for my best interest of my sanity. Our
2 hour flight finally lands at Sea-Tac. We walk out of the plane and into the terminal like zombies. I
remember the pictures of Kurt at this airport, and for some reason, fell just like him, making my
way to my luggage. We roll up off the escalator to see our other friends waiting for us right by our
baggage claim. Jenny and Mary came from St. Louis, I have met them once before. Stephanie came
from Chicago, I had met her twice before. We have all become great friends thru out the years of
emails, letters and phone calls, for us to finally all meet up on this vacation was perfect for us. We
gather ourselves and our luggage and head outside for our first breathe of Washington air. Before
we make our first move, we just stand there in a circle, collecting ourselves for what the city holds
for us. We take the public bus to downtown Seattle. Almost catching the wrong one only once.
Getting off downtown, and us with all of our huge suitcases, roll them thru the hills in downtown
Seattle, till we finally find our hostile, which is about 25 more steps to go down to the door!
We check in, get into our room and get settled in. Day one of our planning was just to walk around
the city. We go down to the walk able distance of Alaskan Way right near the waterfront. There we
looked up and found the old OK Hotel, which was in the process of being remodeled, and Pier 48
Port of Seattle, where Nirvana played their Live and Loud performance. Shopping ties over most of
the night, till we start walking near the Public Market to find something into the night. We run
across the Moore Theatre, where Nirvana, Hole and Sonic Youth once played. Almost ready to give
up, we stop to evaluate our plans. There standing, looking like a bouncer is a bald local man, I turn
to him in frustration, and ask what is there to do in Seattle after 8pm?!! He laughs and invites us to
see his band, The Betty Ford Falcons. We indulge in go into the very hole in the wall of your
basement venue, to take over some nice guys table. Ralph was our new friend, and told us about
neat things to do in the city. Two of his other friends were talking to us too about what to do, but
nothing seemed to great. Jenny drank till she about fell asleep. Ralph’s band goes up on the stage,
and is terrible. Sorry you guys. But we did stay for the entire show. But it was great walking home,
because we got lost twice, and had to walk past the venue we were at all night, hoping no one saw
us walk past it again.
International Hostel- 1st & Union Room 200
1:33am 4/4/04
“In my bed, from my window, I hear the stupid kid from the lame Vh1 “Graveside Groupies”
special they ran about two years ago. He is staying at the same hostile as us, but I never see him go
anywhere. He just talks to anyone who will listen about how he hates Courtney Love and loves
Chad Channing. I hear him arguing with some girl from the UK about who killed Kurt Cobain.
They’re sitting outside in front of the hostile smoking. I don’t know if that’s comforting anymore to
hear kids talking about this still. Kurt is dead physically , but never gone. Everyone seems to accept
Courtney is his only remains anymore, and no one likes it. But they must have never thought of the
option to even think that way about it all. Everyone seems to put more energy into hating and
disliking her, then the fact we had this masterpiece of a band named Nirvana, and a man named
Kurt. It seems the few people who I’ve talked to here was more about restarting murder theories
then coming here for the anniversary. I see why Seattle hates you. This town is a hidden paradise,
and should be its own island. You find its deep dark holes in the city and just never want to leave.
Yet, sitting there watching your first local band from Seattle live, you begin to understand
everything almost. The city. The people. The past. I love its raw secrets that no one will tell you. I
love how they tell you not to come here. I love how they can spot from miles away there you’re a
tourist. That’s how well they know. Our first night here, we all walked down to the Public Market,
an obvious native, inviting us to see his band for free. He knew we were not from here right off the
bat. He brought us into his world, down in some bar basement, no bigger then my apartment. That
room was filled with nothing but locals, we could now tell. And due to the secretive location. We
stuck out like soar thumbs. But that room you could tell a whole lifetime story, but not speaking a
word to anyone. I felt so much energy and magic there, I will always remember my first Seattle
Saturday night.”
We retire that night to our hostile and get go to bed early, as tomorrow will be our first full day.
The next day we had many things planned. Our first stop was the Experience Music Project, located
in downtown Seattle, we walk there, and are one of the first people in. They only charged me for a
Youth, which I found very great. We all wait for one another before we step in, and the first thing
we all notice, was the real In Utero angles from Nirvana In Utero Tour, in a huge display there. It
was like walking onto a cloud in heaven to see that in person, with your own eyes. We all travel
thru there slow with wide eyes for shinny things. They have a little “grunge corner” In there has like
the history of grunge, with original vinyl’s and tapes, and some mixing boards even. They have one
of Nirvana’s original cassette tapes. They have cute grunge marketed products like air fresheners
and the pencils I remember. Mudhoney, Soundgarden, The Gits, L7 and of course Nirvana was just
a few of the bands they had lots of neat and rare things on behind the glass.
Above you see the original sign for the OK Hotel. Walking up the stairs onto the second floor, you
see a big young photo of Kurt Cobain, and a logo taken from his journals on the photo on the wall.
Next to it, which to me was most interesting, you find his Univox. The one I have seen thousand
pictures of, is now right in front of me, only glass separating us. It was, of course broken, but they
had most of the pieces. And it was so neat just to see all the pictures he taped to the back of his
guitar and phrases he wrote on there. Like it was your friends guitar sitting in their bedroom, and
you just happen to notice it out of boredom. They also where playing Nirvana live videos on a
screen, which I sat there and watched the entire running of it. We wonder over to see a big sign that
says “Be A Star” or something like that, and we walk over and ask what it was all about.
Apparently, you could go into this room, perform one of the 3 songs they provide, and play the
instruments and make a music video & get your photo taken too. We were so up for it. We decided
to be “Broken Hymen“ as our band name, since we are in fact now an all girl band. But we had to
disguise it, so we became “Broken High-Myn”. We performed “ I love Rock n Roll” By Joan Jett.
A perfect choice for us indeed. Stephanie was on guitar, I was the lead singer, Jenny was on drums
and Mary was on keyboard, and Nicole took photos of us. It was so great, we were totally in it!
After it, we saw you could buy a big photo of us performing, so that we did, and the lady only gave
it to us for half off! Next off in the EMP we went into the music room. Jenny did a 2 song demo. I
would have but I had no idea what songs I would want to do at all. I think she covered some
Radiohead songs, which she is a great musician, and I do want to hear those songs someday. After
that we wondered down to the gift shop. There we bought a $3 Kurt Cobain chocolate bar! That was
indeed a highlight! After the EMP, we went over to the space needle. The day was just so exciting. I
tried to get away with being a Youth there, but sadly, it did not work. We all get our tickets and
walk in to immediately do some more shopping. I bought this really neat vintage Seattle picture
bracelet, which I love and don’t ever plan on taking it off! After we all got done spending our
millions at the Space Needle shop, we walked up to go up on the Space Needle top. On our way, we
took an eat and tacky photo with the space needle, it was great! We have to get it scanned it was so
great. We totally did the “pretend your hanging off the needle thing”…just like Kurt.
The next day was the day I was most nervous and excited for. It was the day to go to Kurt’s Park.
We all got up early and took advantage of the complementary hostile breakfast and ate a lot before
we traveled there. We walked to the Public Market to look for any newspapers with anything on the
anniversary, and there was quite a few. After that we walked over to the flower shop to get Kurt
some flowers. We all picked out one we thought he would like. He would have liked how romantic
that was. Then we stopped to get some candles, each picking out a candle color we liked. I picked
out red. As I would always see that as his favorite color. We then headed for the bus stop, to catch
the #2 to Mandora Park. A local on the street was very excited to rock on to us that “today is the
day!” We walked down the streets of downtown Seattle, with our Nirvana shirts and lots of flowers,
I think everyone there in the city knew what we were doing. To me it felt like that very day, except
we knew more answers.
We got on the bus, and I was so nervous. I stared out the window the entire ride. The houses in his
area are so beautiful and unique and private, just what I think he was looking for to live in too. We
get off at the stop, stepping right off the bus to view Lake Washington. It was like I was in a movie
with all those perfect scenery and symphony music that makes you fall in love with something.
We headed up the long, about a mile, path, with the lake on our side. I was in front of everyone, and
as soon as you looked up from the big trees covering the area, I could see the balcony window of
his house, I said “There it is you guys.” It felt like I was coming home again. We walk up the small
hill into the park, like we have been to this place a million times before. There was about ten
scattered people already there, and MTV2 and other media. We walk towards the fence to set up a
sitting area for us. I glare at the bench in the corner of my eye as I walk past it, and loose my breath.
We all sit down, pissed the media was there, and wondered if we should just say “ Fuck it, lets go to
the bench” so that we did. We got our flowers and candles, and walked up to the bench. I lean down
to it. My eyes started to tear up, I wanted to have a hysterical cry, and lay down beside it. I wanted
to have the nervous breakdowns I used to have when I would lay on my bedroom floor, not
knowing whether to laugh or cry, blaring Nevermind and locking my door. It made me feel better
sometimes.
We lit our candles and placed our flowers on the bench. We then all started to write our message. I
once again chose a red sharpie. On it I wrote:” I miss you Kurt, I love you 4/5/04 eryn- denver”
There was not enough room to write anything long like I wanted too. I just didn’t know what to
write, I had so much to say to him, but all I could think of what I felt that very moment. I sat and
had a smoke on the bench, then the media started coming up to me, asking to interview me and my
friends. At first we were very hesitant, but then thought, its better us then someone really lame.
They asked me really stupid questions, like “What does it mean for you to be near this bench, right
here, right now” And “What did you write on this bench” and “Why did you love Nirvana” and
loads of crap like that. I gave them short and confusing answers. When they asked me why I liked
Nirvana, I said, “cause they were so raw and made me feel uncomfortable, I liked that.”
We hung around the bench, because we just didn’t know what to do with ourselves honestly. MTV2
came over to interview us too, and that was fine, thou we had to take like 20 takes! But it was fun,
we got to know everyone very well, and knew what to say! Some other local TV stations and
newspapers did the same interviews and everything, it was so weird, that all the sudden we were so
important. They wanted to interview Nirvana fans. I’ve always known that being a fan of them, was
a sign that you were very different from the rest of the flock.
Stephanie and I took long walks around the house and the Lake and just finding beautiful places to
sit and smoke. We did that for a few hours, and then went back into the Park, to find a small circle
of one guy playing guitar, and everyone singing. We totally joined in. We sang so many Nirvana
songs, so many times over, my voice hurt so much by dark. I sang my heart out on everyone. It was
so great to sing these songs with other people, so alive and loud. MTV did a lot of footage on it too.
We didn’t care to stop to do an interview or whatnot, we just kept singing. The producer from MTV
Alex Coletti, who I recognized from talking in the Bare Witness Special on Nirvana Unplugged,
actually played a song with us. He played “Where did you sleep last night” I don’t know what songs
got on MTV, but we did so many good ones. At one time, we didn’t even know they were filming
live, and me and my friend were so hungry, we whipped out the bread and peanut butter we bought
to keep our tummys happy, and MTV was filming while we were chowing down! So they sadly,
had to retake that shot! We started to appreciate MTV’s existence there, because they let us use
their porter potty, which was so great. We begged them to leave it there all night, and they did!
Later that evening, before MTV left, they come back down to the park, right to where I was sitting
with bags of food and drinks! He told me to go ahead and sort these out to everyone! I grabbed a
Sprite and a bag of Fritos, they bought enough for everyone. I hardly ever think they would do that!
As the sky turned grey into black, people started to become a few, we all took a break from singing,
MTV came back down right before they left and handed me a huge pile of white table stick candles,
it was so perfect, I walked around confirming all those who be here till late would get a candle to
light when it got dark. The sky became black, and we all gathered under the same tree we sang
under, and made a big circle for us to light the candles. The original light from the candle came
from the bench, and then we just passed it on to one another. Then, somewhere along the lines, we
started singing Nirvana songs again, into the night.
Kurt’s Park
?:?? 4/5/04
“ I wish I was here when I wish I was here.”
Using the porter potty a few more times, and taking a walk in the pitch black park one last time for
the evening, we found ourselves with only about a half and hour left before the park closed at
11:30pm. A man came out there with his cello, and we played all the Unplugged songs. Time flew,
and we had 3 more minutes left of the night, before we knew of the sure existence of the Seattle
Police to kick us out. It was only obvious for our one last song for the evening; “Where did you
sleep last night”.
I closed my eyes the entire time of the song, then the last verse came, and I screamed out my heart,
the police walked up, flashing their flashlights, we kept singing, it felt so revolutionary, The song
ended, and our circle all got up at the same time, and walked over to the bench, like it was planned.
We spent about ten more minutes with the bench, and I said to everyone “Are you ready?” and they
agreed, and we blew out the candles, and his spirit into the night.
We caught a ride home with our new friend Paul and Alex from Olympia, we all piled into his van,
which also was his house, and headed to Jack In The Box in Capitol Hill, we were starving. There
was rumors Kurt used to eat at that Jack In The Box all the time, and it seemed like somewhere
Kurt would go after having a pleasant night hanging out with friends. Afterwards, Paul dropped us
off, we gave him some money for gas, so he could make it home. The night ended so beautifully,
thou I wanted it to last forever.
International Hostile Room 200
1:27 am 4/5/04
“Today we saw Kurt’s park. I had always seen it in my dreams, but never knew I was there. I had it
almost all planned in my head, but lost it all when I got there. No pictures of Seattle or the park can
capture what is there in that city, and in that park. It’s what you see in the life of your eyes.
Goodnight”
April 6th
The next day was our Kurt Cobain’s Life Tour we made up. We picked up our rental car, and
headed for Aberdeen, WA. On our way, we found the famous, Elma, Montesano & Aberdeen 666
road sign, and did naturally what Nirvana did, and took a photo. If you don’t know about what sign
I am talking about, then don’t ask. Our first stop was in Montesano, to see Kurt’s life with his dad.
We saw the house, and his Junior high school, and a bunch of other places he went to school or
lived, or hung out at. Then we headed for Hoquiam, and saw the hospital he was born at, and his
parents’ first house. We then headed for Aberdeen, and saw his mom’s house, the YMCA, and just
his small but cute city he used to hate. Everyone in that city seems so embarrassed or hateful
towards anyone who comes there because Kurt Cobain used to live there. They will not help you
out with directions or at all. Duffy’s dinner on Wishkah road I must say was the only fabulous place
there. Our only lost location was to find the Young Street Bridge, where Kurt used to hang out
under. We stopped at a 711, one street away to ask, and they said they did not know where it was.
We then found out how close it was. We parked on the opposite side of the bridge, and walked in on
the less popular side first. I handed out our tulips we brought for everyone, and we tossed them in
the Wishkah River. I filled up an extra water bottle I brought with some of its water. The water was
ice cold. We then noticed that there was another side. We walked over there, and some local kids
from there, asked if we liked Kurt Cobain, I said “Yes, you like Aberdeen?” and they told me
“yeah”. The followed us down to under the bridge, and watched us look around. So many years of
pictures I’ve seen of this one spot, and once there it seemed so much smaller then I thought. It too,
was so beautiful, I found a place to write
“FUCK YOU ABERDEEN” and then else where I wrote my personal message to Kurt. I loved how
it looked under there. The writing, spray paint, candles, pictures, and flowers were such a lovely
combination. One of the writings I saw on the bridge was “I bet the interior decorating here is better
now then from when you where here” I liked that one. We all felt so uncomfortable down there with
those kids watching us, so we only stayed for about a half and hour, the entire time, watching us.
On our way back to the car, teenagers playing basketball in the park near by screamed “ HI!“ to us,
we screamed it back. We left the city as quick as we could. It made you feel so vulnerable, and like
you where doing something wrong to come there? But hiding under that bridge made you feel alive
again, and forget all you hated.
We then headed out for Raymond, WA; to find the place where Nirvana played their first show. I
tell you, it was a long, boring drive to that one house, 17 Nussbaum Road. We got there finally, and
it was like one of the two houses out in the middle of nowhere, and it was painted pink! We figured
they had to play in the garage due to how small the entire house looked. The day was planned
greatly with our musical department as well. We listened to Bleach going into Aberdeen, then
Incesticide going around the city, and the smaller towns, and then listened to Nevermind going back
to Olympia, and In Utero going back to Seattle. Bootlegs where played in between to make up for
music we needed more from that era.
We got home, and Jenny had to do all the driving the entire time, because of insurance reasons, and
she dropped right into her bed, and slept all night. We went to bed kind of early too, because we
were all so very tired from being in the car all day.
International Hostile Bunk #4 Room # 200
?:??
“ I am tired. Not much is going to come out of me tonight. I demanded the window to stay cracked
open every night so I can hear Seattle. “
Our next day, still with our car rental, we travel to Olympia. Our friends we met from Kurt’s park
were unable to get a hold of, and we just kind of drove around. Also that morning, our first stop was
the McLane Creek. It was the creek in about 1997 Courtney Love had Frances Bean put Kurt’s
ashes in it. They did that because the creek was right behind Kurt’s Mom’s house, before Courtney
bought her a big fancy house. It was a nice nature walk, avoiding the massive amount of poison ivy,
and walking on the wheelchair accessible paths.
After that we went into the downtown city area, found the house on Pear street, one of my favorites,
and it was actually up for sale. We called on it, but it was already under contract, which really
sucked. We so could have got in and fooled them into a tour. We then ate at what we thought was a
small normal dinner, but was like a teriyaki diner, but their chicken was very good. I think they
loaded it up on the MSG thou. Trying to call our friend from “ Oli “ again, we still could not get a
hold of them. So leaving us nothing to do in Olympia, we all agreed to go back to the bridge, as we
thought we did not get enough time there, and wanted to be there longer, and alone.
We traveled back there, parked farther away from the bridge, and got out a few at a time to walk
over to the bridge, so we would not be as noticeable this time. We saw the same kids as last time,
but we don’t know if they saw us. They didn’t follow us this time down under the bridge. Stephanie
and I went down first, and just walked around some more, wrote another message to Kurt and had
another smoke. I took some more photos and just tried to absorb as much as I could. We both
agreed we wanted some time to write under here before we have to go back. We sat down on just
about opposite sides under the bridge and just wrote, neither one of us at any time looking up.
Young Street Bridge
Aberdeen, WA
?:?? 5/7/04
“Taking a moment to write about where your at, in that moment, is just like a picture. I’m under the
bridge now again, and its completely silent. The birds still like it here thou. The water moves to the
right. The dirt is like clay. I sit here, really wondering, where Kurt wished he was when he would
come down here? When he sat under this very same bridge? I can’t even think of where I would
rather be then right here. I know where I wish I could be when Kurt was here.”
Then after this entry I drew a picture of under the bridge.
After we left the bridge, we returned back to the hostile. That night we dined on expensive but
good, Thai food. It was my first time eating it, not to bad, but would not get into eating it all the
time. We later bought some of my favorite and famous Livingston Burgundy wine, filled up our
Taco Bell to-go cups with it, and walked up and down the piers. Breaking the public bathroom door,
and feeling really bad about it because all the homeless people where trying to get in. The night
ended greatly, with trying to not feel so drunk from the wine, and me paying three dollars for fifteen
minutes of internet time at the hostile. I still think that was stupid.
April 8th
The next day, was another day to be spent at Kurt’s park. I truly do love this place. We got there a
little later this time, to find only still a few people in the park. A small handful of returning faces
appeared there that day too. We met a lot of locals who were so nice to us about us coming here for
the anniversary. Not really any media was there that day. The bench was still filled with all the
flowers, and candles and gifts to Kurt, but had a few more things added. We herd, that really early
that morning, some older lady came and put all the flower petals down that surrounded the bench,
and she also made a beautiful cross out of them too.
That was so beautiful. This day, we spent a lot of time just sitting on the lawn and talking to people.
Stephanie and I went to the park first, to meet up with Mary, Jenny and Nicole later on, as they
wanted to go to the mall. Thou they were suppose to be at the park at 1pm, bearing Subway
sandwiches for us and smokes, they didn’t get there till about 4pm, and I cannot believe I did so
well not smoking there. Jamie, a guy who drove there from Vancouver, came baring cigarettes,
Brian who was from Seattle, came baring Cokes. They day went by quite fast, and we had planned
not to stay in the park as late this night. Before the evening got dark, I called my mom on Jenny’s
cell phone. I needed someone to cry to. I told her where I was and that I was looking at his house,
and just told her how I miss him, and its so sad what happened to him, and I’m so happy to be there.
She replied back “ I was watching his Unplugged on TV today, and god was he cute”. It made me
smile to know my mom was listing. She knew just the perfect thing to comfort me, probably, with
out her even knowing it. After I got off the phone with her, I did a lot of writing, before it got dark.
Viretta Park
Seattle, WA
?:?? 4/8/04
(Sitting behind the bench)
“This bench is so beautiful. I think you’d (Kurt) bring it flowers to it too. We brought you the big
sunflowers today. It’s colder here today then the day before,. Not nearly as much people here now
at all in the entire times I’ve been here. I’m sitting right behind the bench now, and lots of people
are taking pictures. I wish I was not as cold. But I am in the shade too. I still frequently flash back
to the first time I ever saw the bench, even thou it was only a few days ago. There is a family of 3
with a Porsche living in his house now. I wonder what they think, I don’t care if they care. I want to
have the park all to myself just like Kurt had. Stephanie is going to let me listen to her disc man
here in a bit. I will listen to “Man Who Sold The World” Unplugged version. I love how that songs
makes me feel, and what it makes me think. The houses around here are so beautiful. But this house
that used to be Kurt seems so perfect for him too. When me and Stephanie we’re walking around
the park, I found one of those “wishing flowers” aka. a dead dandelion , I took a deep thought to
think of my one wish here in his park. I closed my eyes and wished; “To have you Kurt in another
life”
Not to have in personally as a lover, but as a friend or someone everyone knows, to find him
somewhere again. Then I blew off the fuzz of the flower- all in one blow.
That night, Nicole and Mary took the bus back earlier, before it got dark, and Jenny, Stephanie and I
left later on. We all decided we need to drink. The only place open was ‘Las Margaritas’, so we
went in there to have just that, and a few Madori Sours…
We walked back to our hostile thru the alley, just singing and screaming to the city. To wish it good
night yet again.
Back at the Hostile
Its late 4/8/04
“I am a drunk. No I meant I’m just drunk. Sorry for the confusion. One madori sour, one kiwi
margarita, life is good in Seattle, Washington. sleep.”
April 9th
Today was our great shop till you drop day, in Capitol Hill. That was a very neat city too. We sat on
Broadway with our rattles, and as soon as we walked more into the city there, there was this bronze
statue of Jimi Hendrix. We went into lots of cool, and expensive vintage shops. My purchases
included of a Goo era Sonic Youth poster, a black plastic bracelet with white rhinestones in it, a
Hole, 7 Year bitch and 2 Mary Lou Lord vinyl’s, and I think that was it. I also took the experience
to eat at the famous, but over priced, Dick’s Drive Inn, where I had to pay five cents for ketchup. I
never herd of that. It was a great day thou, we all shopped very much, and experienced the vacation
feeling very much. Later that night, Jenny had a concert to go too, and Nicole and Mary just wanted
to stay in. So Stephanie and I went to a few more Nirvana/Kurt locations that night. In walking
distance, we went into the Four Seasons Hotel, location in downtown Seattle, where Kurt and
Courtney used to stay, and check in under the names of “ Sid & Nancy” , we used our smooth skills
and got into the hotel. We pretended to wait in the lobby, and took some photos, and then went up
stairs to the dinning area and took photos there too. No one said a word. On our way out, we made it
like Stephanie got a phone call, and was pretending to be pissed asking her dad where she was
suppose to meet him for dinner! We stormed out of there! It was great! Then we took a bus all the
way to Reciprocal Studios, where Bleach was recorded, and used the same bus transfer to get back,
and to find the Vouge where Nirvana once played. We get there to find out its “New Wave” night!
We decided to go in there, since we could. The cover was only $2. We got in there, got our madori
sours, and sat down. Thank goodness we where both wearing black. Stephanie had to turn her
Nirvana t-shirt inside out thou, so no one would beat her up. We first try out a few dances on the
main floor, to some random new wave crap. Then I dared Stephanie to go dance up on the stage,
where we declared that’s where Nirvana had to of played when they where there. So that she does, a
few songs later, I go join her.
“Afraid of American’s” by David Bowie and Trent Reznor came on, and it was so fucking
awesome. Dancing ridiculously on what we now called it “Kurt’s stage!”. We then kept telling one
another, ok one more good song and we will leave, it finally came to midnight, and then “Army of
Me” by Bjork came on, and we were pleased with it to leave our night to it. Stephanie flashed
Seattle several times, and I thanked them after the songs. We sadly leave, and try to find our bus
stop. In success, we do, but Stephanie keeps telling me she is going to go pee in the bushes, I advise
her not to. The bus finally comes, and we use our same transfers to get home. The people we find
on the bus are very interesting. We had one homeless man telling us that his “picture of the Royal
Family was stolen, and the Seattle Police have smashed all the plastic Easter eggs, and that they
should not have guns, and they should be melted, along with the State Prison bars.”
April 10th
Our last full day in the city I have a crush on. Jenny and Mary had to leave today to be home for
Easter. So after they left, the rest of us made our way to the Flag Pavilion Fountain, where in
8/10/94. The original memorial was held for Kurt. We get there, to find a spot to sit for a while, and
find our friend we met before, Becky, who is from the UK. We all put our coats down and sit near
the fountain, and it started to play Nirvana songs. There is like a speaker system I guess inside
where the water shoots outs. Sadly, it only played about 4 Nirvana songs, but still it was great to
have them while we were there. We all got some lunch to eat outside there, and stayed for a few
hours. The sun was beating down on us, and the fountain decided to stop spraying. We wondered if
it was like a moment of silence for Kurt. Then, Brian our friend from Seattle walks up, and we are
glad to see him find us! We inform him we were all just on our way to the park (Kurt’s Park), and
he offers us a ride in his truck. His pick up truck that is. Stephanie and I volunteered to lay down in
the back of the truck and ride there. That is where I got my ‘Seattle Sunburn” It was such a neat
experience to view the sitting, laying down, in the back of the pickup truck.
Just letting the city come to you this time. I remember knowing once we were in Kurt’s neighbor
hood, the roads are so curvy and you cannot even see the sky, because all the big green trees cover
it. The sun was peeking thru, and it seemed like a perfect afterlife journey, before your gone.
On our way, we stop to get some more candles, and me and Stephanie had previously bought some
more flowers from the market. Brian had told us he had drove by the park yesterday, and everything
was gone, so we needed to bring more to the bench. Brian got a bag of 100 tea light candles, which
was so awesome. We brainstormed idea on what to do with them, and decided to spell out “ Kurt”
with them, and with the ones left over, they would line the bench.
We arrive at the park, to find only like a few people there. Not anyone would stay long, they would
come and go. At some points we had the entire park to ourselves. It was so great to have it like that.
We worked on decorating the bench all day, with our candles and we took some flower petals from
the trees in the park to line around the candles in the grass. A lot of people came during the middle
of the day, and Stephanie and I took another walk around the back of the house, and peeked inside
the gate again. There was only about seven people who stayed there with us until dark. We just sat
and talked for hours, I was able to take a nice half and hour nap in Kurt’s park. I didn’t have any
dreams, but felt so rested when I woke up. When I woke up, only Stephanie and I were at the park,
because the other’s went to go bring back food for all of us. The last people to come and go to the
park, was a really neat experience. These older women came out, and just walked around the park
for a while, not bothering anyone. She then came up to us, and thanks us very much for being there.
We were all a bit confused and were like yea ok. She said, well since its just you guys here I will
tell you; “I am Kurt’s fourth cousin, and he meant a lot to me.“ She then told us the story on how
she tried to arrange a vigil at the fountain this morning, but the city would not allow it. She said the
city did not want to have anything else to do with what happened with him, and wants nothing to
remember it. It was so weird to hear that coming from a local and the city. I can see how they could
be embarrassed, but look at how it affected the world. How could a city ignore it?
At dusk, we lit the candles, and stayed there for about an hour afterwards. It was so beautiful. Becky
said “He can still have his name in lights!” It was true. We all sat in front of the candles on the
bottom of the hill that they were sitting. I just wanted to start singing a Nirvana song, and close my
eyes, and just sit on my cloud. We were all so quite. All of us where from different parts of the
world, and joined here, in one place for one reason.
It became late, and very cold. We blew the candles out, and said goodbye to Kurt’s Park, one last
time, for now.
Brian gave us all a ride back to our hostile. I got to see the city at night too in the back of the truck.
Just laying down, letting the wind hit my face. Inside the truck, they were playing “Lounge Act”
and I just started to sing. We arrived at our final destination, and it was our last time for all of us to
be together, if ever again. We said goodbye to Becky, because she was staying at a different hostile,
and the rest of us walked back to ours. We went into the lounge room of our hostile, and just sat at
the tables. Looking for something to say it seemed like. For tomorrow, it was all gone. We had to
leave. We have to leave it all behind. Lack of enthusiasm, made us want to just go into our beds
early. I wanted to just lay there, and just think about everything all over again. I wanted to just
relive everything I had done there in my stay. I fell asleep daydreaming. But was able to catch a
journal entry before I did:
In my only Seattle bed- @ Hostile
4/10/04
“My last night in Seattle, and I still feel like I have not got to know it enough. But knew enough to
still be in love. We leave tomorrow, and I am afraid all I will have is just blurry memories of the
city. Which is the worst case scenario , cause if you never knew it, you never want it. I love and will
miss you Seattle….”
Stephanie and I wake up about 7am the next morning. We both agreed last night, we wanted to walk
the pier one last time before we left. We got up, and went to Walgreen’s for some stuff Stephanie
needed, and then made our way down to the piers. We find a spot farthest away from the city, the
longest pier, and we sit on the bench. Just gazing into the water. Wishing and wishing. Reminiscing
and collecting, all we had absorbed from the trip. On the fence in front of us, we it read “Geoff
loves Brenda” and then you see other random couples names being marked at this very same spot.
Stephanie still had her sharpie, and we wrote: “Stephanie + Eryn love Seattle”, and walked away.
The taxi to take us to the airport came really quick. He helps us load out terribly large bags. Each of
our bags weighted more then the person who had to carry it home. It seemed like the driver had to
take the long hard way out of the city, staring out the window at the city falling behind you. Like it
was on purpose. So we could scream for him to stop, and for us to run back.
We make it to the airport that seemed like a cemetery to us. We didn’t want to have to go inside.
We check our bags in, and walk around inside to find our gates. They are on opposite sides of the
airport, so we had to split up earlier then we wanted too. Everything was breaking down, minute by
minute.
Time passing in the airport, and our plan board early even. The airport however is small, and easy
to find your way around. It is still very old school, and has not been updated in over ten years it
seems. I really like the airport thou. It doesn’t seem like anything to fancy, and there sadly is not a
place to smoke after you’ve past thru security. We board, and I just wanted to start to wail, but like
my normal self, hold it in.
I find myself fast asleep before the plane even leaves the ground. I was only awake for the last forty
five minutes of the flight home.
I get into Denver, and find my boyfriend and Dad there to pick me up at the airport. We went to my
parents house straight form there, so I could catch what I could of Easter dinner. I get to their house,
and my mom greets me with a huge hug. I just started crying and crying. I knew, the one time in my
whole life I desired her to understand anything about me, this time she finally did. She knew why I
had to cry and cry, and she just held me.
I finally get this story done, after a week I am back. I still miss the city like crazy. I love it. I am in
love with it. If you never been there, be careful when you go, cause I guarantee, when you get back
to reality and your life, you will hate yourself for leaving. I want to go back tomorrow. Soon, now.
But I know I cant. Till then, I will have to keep the city where I have kept it this whole time, in my
heart, forever.