Indiebride | Interviews | The Anti-Bride Guide
6/26/03 6:26 PM
the indie interview :
.stephanie rosenbaum &
carolyn gerin
By Lori Leibovich
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Spring 2002 | As soon as I opened the
hot pink and orange cover of "The
Anti-Bride Guide" — which happens to
be the funniest and most useful
wedding planning book I've come across
— it was love at first sight. Within the
first few pages the authors, Carolyn
Gerin and Stephanie Rosenbaum, won
my heart by declaring: "Your marriage
will not disintegrate if you don't send
every guest home with a little box of
color-coordinated Jordan almonds." Of
course, they were preaching to the converted. As Gerin and
Rosenbaum write, "Can a girl be a hip, independent woman, able to
hook up her own hard-drive but still harbor a deep craving for
matching china and fancy matchbooks? Of course." I couldn't
agree more.
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LL: So, what's an anti-bride?
Susan Maushart
Do wives get a bum
deal?
Rachel Safier
How to call off your
wedding
Marg Stark
What no one tells the
Bride
Elizabeth Freeman An
academic deconstructs
http://indiebride.com/interviews/antibride/
SR: A woman who knows herself, and doesn't let herself get
sucked into the Vera Wang/Martha Stewart wedding-industry
perfection complex. We're NOT anti-wedding, we just think the
whole bridal industry has run riot, and doesn't allow for much
creativity or personality on the part of the bride and groom.
CG: Ditto what Stephanie said, but I will add that many people
who have attended weddings can't differentiate one from the
other. There is always a constant: white dress, big cake, matchy
bridesmaids. Why not let your personality come through?
Independence and sense of self are key components to AntiBride-ness.
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Indiebride | Interviews | The Anti-Bride Guide
the wedding
Eva Unger Bowditch
and Aviva Samet on
how to survive your
mother-in-law
Stephanie Rosenbaum
An indiebride talks to
an anti-bride
Lisa Miya-Jervis
Lisa Miya-Jervis on the
politics of partnership
Nancy Cott
Nancy Cott on the
intersection of love and
law
Sheryl Nissinen
Therapist Sheryl
Nissinen on how to get
married without losing
your head
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6/26/03 6:26 PM
LL: You guys write about how to avoid vendors from Hell.
SR: Work with people who you can get on your side. If you're
having a wedding that's unconventional, find vendors who are
excited by this, and who relish a chance to be creative. Anyone
who tells you that "you can't do that" just means that he or she
can't do that. Thank them and move on — don't tie yourself into
knots trying to make an event that will impress your caterer or
florist. Find a person who likes a challenge, and see what they can
do for you. That said, always get references, and make sure that
everyone you use is professional and dependable. Blazing
creativity isn't worth it if it means your seamstress/designer is
glue-gunning you into your dress five minutes before the
ceremony.
LL: Band or DJ?
SR: Depends. Do you have friends in a great band? I don't know
that I'd hire a band I only knew from a demo tape — as they say,
musicians lead complicated lives, and you don't want to worry
about who's coming off a three-day tequila bender on your
wedding day. The tricky part about DJs, of course, is their musical
pride, which may keep them from playing what you want. Be very,
very clear ahead of time as to what kind of music and/or
interaction you want. If you want to dance the hora, go for it.
LL: How do you know when you've found the "right" wedding
dress?
SR: Well, exhaustion probably plays the biggest role in dress
selection. I think it should "click" in your head — even if it's not
exactly the dress you imagined, it should say "bride" to you. You
should look like your best and most delicious fantasy of yourself —
what you'd look like if you could, with all your best features
brought to the fore.
CG: Work with your body. I am short and curvy, so I look better in
structured 1960's type of cocktail dresses. Also figure out where
your event will be: outside, inside, cocktail lounge funky, or
Waldorf Astoria formal — then work with your surroundings and
with the season. A cocktail lounge look at a wedding in the woods
might seem like you got off at the wrong stop on your way to Palm
Springs, circa 1966. Also, figure out what sort of action will be
happening, will you be jiggling too much in a slip dress when you're
salsa dancing?
LL: What's the most important thing a bride or groom should
remember when they're putting together their bridal party?
SR: When Carolyn was planning her wedding, she and her partner
decided only to invite those people who were in their lives every
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Indiebride | Interviews | The Anti-Bride Guide
6/26/03 6:26 PM
week. I think that's a great idea to keep in mind when putting
together your bridal party. Don't be restricted to the idea of only
having relatives, or even only women. And don't think of the bridal
party as some kind of ladies-in-waiting — these people have their
own lives, and while they want to be there for you, don't get
princess syndrome and start telling them what color they can dye
their hair or that they should lose 10 lbs before the wedding.
CG: Your wedding party should include your chosen family. The
rest of it is unnecessary social obligation which I don't subscribe
to. It's the most important day of your life. The people who will be
traveling down that road with you should be standing up for you.
LL: You write about the importance of having a "shadow" on
your wedding day.
SR: A "shadow" is someone you can count on to attend to you
throughout the day of your wedding. Whether it's your sister, your
best friend, or one of your bridemaids, this person will help keep
you stress-free. This means she'll run to the store to get you a
new pair of sheer white pantyhose when your own fancy lacetopped stay-ups shred the minute you open the package. She'll
slip you a glass of water when you're wilting on the receiving line
(very important! I did this for my best friend, and 6 years later
she's still grateful. I also ran back to the dressing room to get the
veil she's forgotten, pinning it on about 30 seconds before she
walked down the aisle.) She'll hold your train when you need to
pee, make sure you remember to carry your bouquet (a friend of
mine ordered hundreds of dollars worth of white tulips, only to
completely forget to hand out the bouquets and boutonnieres
beforehand. She went through the ceremony empty-handed, while
all her flowers sat in the bedroom upstairs).
LL: What do you suggest for the bride who doesn't want a
bachelorette party, but wants to gather her gal pals together
before the wedding?
SR: I think those go-to-a-bar-and-squeal bachelorette parties are
really hideous. Drunk girls with tacky veils pinned to their heads,
stumbling out of white limos — it's not a pretty sight. There are
lots of fun things to do instead. An afternoon tea party; poker (or
other card games) night with the gals; a girls'-only night of pool at
your favorite bar; a weekend spa getaway (this doesn't have to
cost a ton, either — I know around here there are a lot of low-frills
hot springs places with great hot tubs and hiking trails that are
very affordable — and people can throw in extras like massages as
their budget allows); renting a cabin/beachhouse/bungalow for a
night or weekend and just hanging out, cooking, sitting out on the
deck and telling stories...
My favorite story involves a bachelor party — my friends told the
groom to clear his calendar for a weekend, then they picked him
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from work, handed him an envelope with a ticket to Vegas and a
wad of cash, and flew with him to Vegas and had a gambling/bar
hopping blowout weekend.
CG: Because I eloped, I didn't engage in the whole girls night out.
But for my friend Julie Slinger’s girls night out, she gave us a list of
all her women, and we went to a beloved San Francisco bar, the
Make Out Room. We took goofy Polaroids and then went to a club
and danced the night away. No guys with mullets and G strings for
us! Friends of mine rented out the Wildwood Retreat in Guerneville,
California for the weekend and splashed, pool partied, yoga-ed and
relaxed in a communal party that culminated in their wedding on
the top of a mountain. A day at hot springs, a fortune telling
reading, a dinner party potluck or a pool/movie night sitting around
and cooking is what most people relish.
LL: You suggest that a woman plan to get her period out of
the way at least a week before her wedding.
SR: Well, obviously it's up to the bride, and stress can make your
period very erratic, so maybe she would get lucky. Also, for some
people, it's no big deal. I'm not the earth-mother type, though —
I'm very hands-off-don't-touch-me when I've got my period, which
doesn't make me much fun (not to mention the hormonal breakouts!). Personally, I'd want to be able to wear the fancy white
lingerie that day and have sex that night (or the next morning),
especially if we were splurging on a really great hotel room, so this
kind of scheduling would be paramount to me.
CG: I concur. There is nothing worse than the hormonal swing
shift. Also, I tend to break out. I wanted to be happy, not crampy,
so I planned around it.
LL: And finally, what advice would you give to the Indie/Antibrides out there right now who are super-stressed and in the
middle of wedding planning hell?
SR: Think: what's making you stressed? Then ditch it! You don't
need it! Don't let anyone else tell you what you "must have" for
your wedding. Later on down the road, you don't want your
wedding memories to be a big blur of obligations and details. Pare
it down, keep it simple and personal. Really, you need you, your
partner, and your officiant. Whatever you wear is your wedding
gown, whatever you say is your ceremony, whatever you do
afterwards is your reception. It's your time. Make it special to you,
and tell everyone else to go plan their own wedding if they're so
gung-ho on color-coordinating the mint baskets.
CG: If you say "no" to all the people throwing "woulds, coulds and
shoulds" at you — you may find your wedding is a little easier to
manage. You don't need to take everything or everyone on.
Anyone who's ever been a bride becomes a bridal expert by
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default. But remember, you don’t have to take their advice.
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