ENC 1102—Paragraph Revision Example
Below is an example of a body paragraph as written in a student paper of the past:
Sammy quits in part because of how he feels about Lengel, the store manager. Sammy thinks that
Lengel treats the girls with disrespect and embarrasses them. Sammy sees Lengel as a symbol of
what he doesn’t want to become. He describes Lengel as stiff and gray, and he wants to avoid
becoming that himself. Another person Sammy doesn’t want to grow up to be is Stokesie, who is
22 and has “two babies chalked up on his fuselage already” (Updike 268). Sammy quits to avoid
becoming like those two.
The above paragraph lacks specific evidence from story to back up its points. What
makes Sammy think that Lengel is disrespectful? How does Lengel’s stiffness and
grayness make him something Sammy wants to avoid? What does Lengel symbolize that
Sammy wants to avoid? Why doesn’t Sammy want to be like Stokesie?
Thus this paper needs to refer to more quotes/behaviors to support its claims, then to
explain those quotes/behaviors, showing how they fit the original claim. Something like
this would be better:
Sammy quits in part because of how he feels about Lengel, the store manager. Sammy thinks that
Lengel embarrasses the girls needlessly by repeatedly telling them, “Girls, this isn’t the beach”
(Updike 268). Sammy says that the way Lengel makes “that pretty girl blush makes [him] feel so
scrunchy inside” (Updike 271) that he feels he has to quit. By “scrunchy” Sammy means he feels
uncomfortable and anxious watching another young person squashed by an authority figure.
Sammy also feels that if he stays at the A&P, he’s bound to end up as soulless and authoritarian
as Lengel, the Sunday school teacher. After Sammy quits, he looks back into the store window,
past the peat moss and aluminium lawn furniture (symbols of suburban domestic life), and sees
“Lengel in [his] place in the slot” (Updike 272). It’s as if he sees what his future at A&P would
have been if he had not made the decision to quit, and he describes Lengel as looking like he’s
“had an injection of iron” (Updike 272), indicating his stiffness and unwillingness to bend or
open his mind. Thus Sammy realizes that regardless of how hard things will be for him, quitting
was the right choice if he wants to think freely.
The point about Stokesie could be made into a whole paragraph unto itself. As you read
your classmate’s paper, think carefully about the reasoning and explanation s/he uses to
support claims, and try to make suggestions regarding areas in which more explanation
will help the reader see the reasoning behind the student’s interpretations of the story.