Mending the Conflicts Between Generations
by
Jerome Allen, Tarak Gandhi & Monzer Elabbasi
Literature 350
Professor Priscilla Oguine
7 March 2002
As a family’s lineage develops, there may be apparent differences in the way of
thinking, attitude, and devotion to tradition between the generations. These differences or
developments can either build up friction between generations, or in some cases
ultimately heal the discord between other generations. Both Julia Alvarez’s contemporary
short story, “The Kiss,” and Chinua Achebe’s classic “Marriage Is a Private Affair”
reveal the conflict that can erupt when one generation of a family diverges from its
traditional or family values. Both accounts display differences in the way of thinking of
the conflicting parties and touch upon the aspect of healing their generation gap by
offering some kind of appeasement.
There is the major theme portrayed in both stories. In each, there is a forbidden
marriage that comes about as a result of children disagreeing with and hence rebelling
against the traditional customs or values of their family. The major protagonist in each
account coincidentally is the father who goes to great extents to estrange the rebellious
offspring. Despite the fact that each story is written within a different era and culture,
they both exhibit the dominant male figure as the family head, with very little or no input
on what is right for the family from any other member. The paternal figures are strongly
opinionated and do not waver from what they believe should be the proper behavior of
their children, resulting in conflicts between Papi and Sofia, and Okeke and Nnaemeka.
Foreshadowing of the main conflict in “The Kiss” is evident when Papi cautions
his daughters by exclaiming, “I do not want loose women in my family”(Alvarez 491).
This hints that that would be the reason for his falling out with his daughter, Sofia. As the
story unravels not only does Sofia take off to NewYork to have sex with her boyfriend,
but she also runs off and gets married without her father’s consent. Also, in Achebe’s
story, foreshadowing surfaces in the first couple of sentences. Nnaemeka tries to explain
to his fiancé, Nene, that it would be better for him to break the news of his engagement to
his father in person rather than by letter. His tone gives the impression that his father,
Okeke, would not approve of his decision. Later on in the story, the readers understand
how adamant Okeke is about Nnaemeka marrying a woman chosen for him from their
cultural background.
So, the conflict that develops in each story seems to be a direct result of the
divergence in the way of thinking of the protagonists from their parents, especially their
fathers. In “Marriage Is a Private Affair,” Nnameka believes that he should fall in love
before he gets married. He believes that love knows no boundaries; therefore, tribe and
culture should not play a part in choosing his wife. This concept is too modern for his
father who believes that the criteria for picking a good wife are that she is Ibo, a
Christian, and someone the family knows. So, when Nnaemka announces that he does
not love the woman his father has chosen for him, Okeke simply replies, “Nobody said
you did. Why should you?”(Achebe 245), as if love had no place in marriage. Nnaemka’s
attempt to explain to his father that marriage is different in his generation proves futile.
Similarly, in “The Kiss” the rebellious behavior of the youngest daughter, Sofia, is more
in tune with the modern time, and conflicts greatly with the strong family values that her
father tries to instill in his daughters. Sofia is ahead of her time in the late sixties “when
wearing jeans and hoop earrings, smoking a little dope, and sleeping with classmates
were considered political acts against the military-industrial complex”(Alvarez 490)
associated with many family values. Kids are becoming more open to different things, as
a result, are rebelling against convention. This conflicts greatly with the decent, homely
values that Papi believes are appropriate for his young women. The suspicion that one of
his daughters was having sex while still living under his roof makes him so furious that
his attempts at policing her, only lead to more conflicts and to her leaving home finally.
Furthermore, both Alvarez and Achebe use symbolism quite effectively to show
how the introduction of the third generation, the grandchildren, acts as some sort of
pacification to the tension. In “Marriage Is a Private Affair,” Okeke, who has written off
his son for marrying a non-Ibo woman, starts to feel “the resolution he had built up over
so many years falling in” (Achebe 256), just when the sky becomes overcast with clouds
and rain falls, “accompanied by thunder and lightening” (256). This change in season
marks a change in mood in the story; it marks the point where the character experiences
an epiphany. Nature is impressively used to symbolize Okeke’s realization that he could
not leave his poor innocent grandchildren “standing sad and forsaken under the harsh
angry weather – shut out from his house”(257). Also, Alvarez uses a fairly similar
symbolism in “The Kiss.” In one scene, at a party, Sofia’s father, Papi, is blindfolded
with a blanket, a gift to his new grandson, in order to play a game. This act symbolizes
how the baby’s introduction to their lives has, somehow, made Papi blind to the
differences he has with its mother, Sofia. Before the child is born he has never taken it
upon himself to visit his daughter’s home, however, since the child’s birth, he starts to
visit and ends up visiting twice prior to the party. It is obvious that the child is the link
that would mend the conflict between these two generations. To Papi, his grandchild is
the heir he has never had, and the importance of his birth lies in the fact that he is “the
first male born into the family in two generations” (Alvarez 489). That is why the baby is
named Carlos after him and he carries the family name as a middle name. The grandson
fulfills for him a great desire, one which he has thought none of his daughters could
“keep his name going in this new country” (Alvarez 489). It is here that the power and
ability of the third generation to heal the conflict between the prior two generations are
symbolically revealed.
Another element in the plot of the narratives that both authors exploit is the use of
irony to make the conflict in the story more apparent. In Achebe’s story, the irony is
evident from the very title where he claims, “Marriage Is a Private Affair.” However, in
the story it seems that so many people have a stake in Nnaemeka’s marriage. His decision
to marry a woman outside of his culture seems to affect not just him but also his father,
the village people and the traditional customs of a whole tribal culture. For instance,
according to Achebe, Ibo parents “are most unhappy if the engagement is not arranged by
them”(253). This is a foreshadowing of the conflict that is about to develop. Also, the fact
that “never in the history of the Ibo people has a man married a woman who spoke a
different tongue” (255) becomes the device that allows the event to become an issue to
the whole village. The village members think it is appropriate to commiserate with Okeke
on “the news that went around about his son’s behavior” (255). The old man does not
chase them off, but instead he joins in a long discussion with them about his son’s bad
judgment, legitimizing their indulgence in the issue. On the other hand, the title might
very well be a paradox, because indeed marriage should be “a private affair” of the two
people that are about to make that commitment, and not the whole village. They should
be free to decide what is best for their lives and be happy with their decisions. Alvarez’s
illustration of irony comes out more vividly. It is visible in the plot, that despite all of
Sofia’s efforts in planning a “party the old man would never forget” (492), she, in return,
gets no recognition for it, and the gesture seems to go unappreciated. This does not only
bring the conflict to a climax, but leads to her giving Papi the inappropriate kiss that
rekindles the old grudge, instead of healing it, and abruptly ends the story.
In fact, both stories highlight the conflict that develops between two different
generations in a family, and the urgency on the part of the children to resolve this
conflict, but there are also note-worthy differences in them. The first is the fact that only
one particular incident instigates the conflict in “Marriage Is a Private Affair.” Until the
disagreement in values regarding marriage, Okeke is very fond of his son. In a letter to
his son after being sent wedding pictures he writes, “I would have sent it back. But on
second thought I decided just to cut off your wife and send it back to you because I have
nothing to do with her. How I wish I had nothing to do with you either” (Achebe 256).
The letter implies that his problem lies in accepting the daughter-in-law, and although he
wishes he had nothing to do with his son, he still cares about him. As additional evidence
to support this, Achebe writes later on that “by tremendous effort of will he had
succeeded in pushing his son to the back of his mind. The strain had nearly killed him but
he had persevered, and won”(256). On the other hand, Alvarez in her contemporary
depiction makes it clear that Sofia and Papi are consistently in disagreement. In a scene
where Sofia’s father comes to visit his grandson, Alvarez writes how his “macho baby
talk brought back Sofia’s old antagonism towards her father” (490). In reading this, the
reader realizes that the two have always been bickering, unlike Okeke and Nnaemeka.
There is another major difference in the style of the two stories. Alvarez writes
her story using a lot of flashbacks to develop the story’s plot, while Achebe’s story sticks
to a more chronological format of divulging information and developing the conflict. In
“The Kiss,” for instance, the story starts out with all the daughters arriving at their
father’s house to celebrate his birthday, the story some how jumps back to the conflicts
that Sofia and her father had before she left home, then forward again to her planning his
seventieth birthday party, unlike Achebe’s style.
Though the grandchildren are the instruments of resolution in each case, both
stories conclude with a different level of resolution of the conflict. Achebe’s ending
implies that reconciliation would take place in the near future. That night after receiving
the letter from Nene, his daughter-in-law, Achebe points out that Okeke “hardly slept
from remorse and a vague fear that he might die without making it up to his
grandchildren”(257). This leaves the story open to a “happy ending” (Atwood 496); since
the grandchildren could not get to the village by themselves, they need their parents to
accompany them. This conclusion to the story hints that the grandchildren would bring
these two generations back together again. Alvarez’s ending is more of a surprise and less
of a reconciliation. Although the grandson brings father and daughter back on speaking
terms and has Papi even visit Sofia’s home a few times, “there was still a raw wound
below the social fabric” (493), and this wound seems to open up even more when Sofia
seeks to get a revenge for being unappreciated and ignored at the party in the end scene.
Her revenge comes in the form of an inappropriate kiss on her father’s ear in public
which arouses him. “His face darkened with shame at having his pleasure aroused in
public by one of his daughters”(495). That single act brings the party to an end and
probably backtracks any progress in their reconciliation.
Finally, it is obvious that in close knit families, the blood tends to run a little
thicker. For many centuries and in most prevalent cultures, traditions are held sacred and
are passed on from generation to generation. However, in more culturally advanced
societies, people lose some of their traditional customs and take on newly-found values
from their environment that they find more appealing. As observed in both stories, the
two initial generations’ key characters, had the strongest bond and also the strongest
tension between them. Through times of uneasiness and discord, it may take great
measures to reinstate family ties, but in fiction, as well as in real life situations, the birth
of a child or in this case grandchildren, brings about pacification to feelings of dissension.
The celebration of a new life, therefore, is far more important than any scuffle that might
have hindered previous marital relationships, and both Achebe and Alvarez have proved
this with their own unique styles.
Works Cited
Achebe, Chinua. “Marriage Is s Private Affair.” Literature. 5th ed. Ed. Robert
DiYanni. New York: McGraw-Hill Higher Education, 2002. 253-257.
Alvarez, Julia. “The Kiss.” Literature. 5th ed. Ed. Robert DiYanni .
New York: McGraw-Hill Higher Education, 2002. 488-495.
Atwood, Margaret. “Happy Endings.” Literature. 5th ed. Ed Robert DiYanni.
McGraw-Hill Higher Education, 2002. 496-499.