The Odd Couple: Female Version Audition Monologues Instructions: Prepare a short, comedic monologue for the auditions. You are welcome to use one of the monologues provided on this sheet or select a one minute contemporary, comic monologue from a published play of your choosing. In your presentation, you should make strong and creative character choices. Female Monologues Olive (speaking to Florence) For eight months I’ve lived all alone in this apartment. I thought I was miserable. I thought I was lonely. I took you in here because I thought we could help each other…and after three weeks of close personal contact, I have hives, shingles, and the heartbreak of psoriasis*…I am growing old at twice the speed of sound…I have seven new liver spots on my hand that look like the Big Dipper…(Beat) I can’t take any more, Florence…Do me a favor and move into the kitchen. Live with your pots, your pans, your ladle, and your meat thermometer…I’m going inside to lie down now….My teeth are coming loose and I’m afraid if I drop them in here, you’ll get out your vacuum cleaner again. *Psoriasis pronunciation: sore-eye-uh-sis (a skin condition—like a rash) Florence (speaking to Olive) Aspirin is good…I can’t move my neck. And a scarf. A woolen scarf…Cashmere is better if you have one. (Beat) I knew something was coming, Olive. I knew we were in trouble. In the middle of the night I would tiptoe into the bathroom and I would pray, “Please, God, please help me save my marriage. Please, God, tell me what to do. Tell me what I’m doing wrong. Please, God, help me”…And then I’d hear Sidney in the bathroom saying, “Please, God, make her shut up. Tell her to be quiet, please, God”…I’m not a complainer. I’ve never once tried to change Sidney…he wears a toupee* two sizes too big, he looks like an English sheep dog, I never said a word. *Toupee pronunciation: two-pay (a man’s wig) Male Monologues Please Note: The characters of Oscar and Felix are not in this play, but are in the original Odd Couple. The male roles in the female version are Spanish brothers who are similar to Oscar and Felix, but speak with Spanish accents. If you would like to try your monologue with a Spanish accent, you can, but it is not required. Oscar (speaking to Felix) You can play Mr. Clean all you want. But don’t make me feel guilty. You’re always in my bathroom hanging up my towels. Whenever I smoke, you follow me around with an ashtray. Last night I found you washing the kitchen floor, shaking your head and moaning “Footprints, footprints!” Well, excuse me for leaving footprints. I have feet and they make prints. What do you want me to do, climb across the cabinets? I also feel that I should have the right to decide when my bathtub needs a going over with Dutch Cleanser. It’s the democratic way! (Felix pouts). And don’t pout! If you want to fight, we’ll fight. But don’t pout! Fighting I win. Pouting you win! Felix (speaking to Oscar who is on the phone with Felix’s wife) I’m not here! I’m not here! You didn’t see me. You don’t know where I am. I didn’t call. I’m not here. (Beat) How does she sound? Is she worried? Is she crying? What is she saying? Does she want to speak to me? I don’t want to speak to her. (Beat) You can tell her I’m not coming back. I’ve made up my mind. I’ve had it there. I’ve taken just as much as she has. You can tell her for me if she thinks I’m coming back, she’s got another thing coming. Tell her. Tell her. (Beat). Do not tell her I’m fine. I’m definitely not fine. Note: A “beat” is a moment when a character has a shift in his or her goal or emotion; a significant transition.