=========================================================================
Star Trek Tom Swifties:
[Star Trek IV]
"I think we found them," Kirk wailed.
[any episode with a poker game]
"Pass the cards," said Troi ideally.
"Couldn't we play some other game?" asked O'Brien, wistfully.
[Symbiosis]
"It's not a drug!" T'Jon snorted.
[The Child]
"The containment field is starting to rupture!" burst Hester Dealt.
[Elementary, Dear Data]
"I bet they'll be surprised by my drawing of the Enterprise," Moriarty
figured.
[Samaritan Snare]
"Captain, your transplant isn't complete yet", said the doctor halfheartedly.
[Up the Long Ladder]
"That's a cute goat," kidded Picard.
or
"I've never seen a lamb before," admitted Picard, sheepishly.
[Manhunt]
"I assume these are the ambassadors," guessed O'Brien.
"I'm still looking for a husband," said Lwaxana guilelessly.
[Deja Q]
"No smoking on the bridge!" fumed Picard.
[Hollow Pursuits]
"Where is Reg?" barked Lee.
[Sarek]
"I assume Data used natural violin strings," was Sarek's gut reaction.
[Transfigurations]
"Meet my latest girlfriend," said Geordi unsteadily.
[Best of Both Worlds]
"The Borg ship has reached Jupiter," announced Shelby jovially.
[Family]
"I'm thinking I might join Starfleet," said Rene siriusly.
[Suddenly Human]
"Hey, Jono, be careful with the dessert," I screamed.
[Reunion]
"What do you think of this Klingon weapon?" asked Worf with a heavy
accent.
[Final Mission]
"The radiation from that ship is very high," said Geordi with great
intensity.
[Data's Day]
"I wonder how humans would describe the sound my kitty makes", mused
Data.
[The Wounded]
"Please, no more traditional Japanese food, Keiko," said O'Brien
derisively.
[Clues]
"Probe ready for launching," droned Data.
[and some that don't apply to any episode in particular]
"Hey, what happened to the ridge on my forehead?" asked Worf,
crestfallen.
"Where is Worf?
I thought I had him paged twice", Picard recalled.
"That's the second time we changed course," remarked Data.
"We have no warp power," said Geordi impulsively.
"There is no alcohol in these drinks," say Guinan dryly.
"The engines can't take much more of this," boomed Geordi.
"I assume you will take care of this before we enter warp," prezoomed
Picard.
"Enterprise, switch to a coded channel so they won't find out
who I am", said Riker, scrambling for cover.
I am <not> gaining weight!" said Riker emphatically.
fatuously.
heavily.
---------------------------------------------------------------------Outtake from "Clues":
Picard: "I ordered you to lie?"
Data: "No sir, I lied about that."
Picard: "You did?
Why?"
Data: "Because you ordered me to sir."
Picard: "But -- you said -- but -- Norman, cordinate!"
[smoke comes out of Picard's ears and he falls over, lifeless]
Data "Hee hee hee!"
:-) :-) :-)
---------------------------------------------------------------------Top Ten Lines From the New Star Trek Movie!!
--------------------------------------------10. Captain! There's a horrible life form on your head!
Oh, sorry. It's your hairpiece.
9. Surprise! Those aren't dilithium crystals - They're
Folgers crystals!
8. Damm it, Jim!
I'm a doctor - not a very good actor!
7. "Captain, there be whales here!"
"Speak for yourself."
6. Computer analysis of the tape indicates that it really is
Rob Lowe.
5. Geez - I'm sick of you guys!
4. It's been a century since they changed your planet's name
from Earth to Trump.
3. Oh, yeah?
Well, beam this up, pal!
^^^^
2. What the hell is Don King doing here?
1. Screw the Final Frontier! Let's go see Batman.
---------------------------------------------------------------------Some local stations showed a comercial for TNG:
(Sung to the tune of "We Didn't Start the Fire" by B. Joel)
Jean Luc,
Geordi's Specs,
Mysteries on the Holodecks
Asteroids,
Triple Droids,
Telepathic Betazoids
Transporter
Deadly Claw
Visitor from LA Law
Photons,
No Kirk,
Captain has gone berzerk
Shuttlecraft,
Counselor Troi,
Doctor Crusher's little boy
Klingon Rites,
Parasites,
New Heights,
Phaser Fights,
Data's Head,
Tasha's Dead,
Riker's Hangin' by a thread
Celebration,
Transformation,
Everyone to battle stations
We didn't start the series,
It's the Next Generation
on your favorite station
We didn't start the series,
But when we are gone it will
still be on and on and on...
We didn't start the series...
---------------------------------------------------------------------Well, I spotted a few strange things in Data's Day. The first
and
funniest is that the Feline Supplement 73 has ants in it!!! I guess Data
was
in a weird mood when he pondered about which food to feed his cat! I
guess
that puts an end to the rumor that the replicators can't create life
forms.
:-) It's funny, 'cause Brent Spiner looks strangely into the dish before
he
puts it down. I wonder if he noticed the ants but they decided to keep
the
shot. Anyway, you can see at least two ants freak out when the feline
maw
comes down and start running around frantically on the cat food.
---------------------------------------------------------------------PICARD: Lieutenant Worf! FIRE AT WILL!
WORF: Yes, SIR!
[Pulls out a phaser and disintegrates Riker.]
Picard: No! That's not the will I meant!
Worf: Oh....
[Worf grins and turns phaser on Wesley. Zap.]
Picard:
No, Worf. Not Wil Wheaton.
[Worf shoots Troi.]
Picard:
No! No! No! Not the Betazoid. Shoot the bloody Romulans!
[This time Worf disintegrates the Romulan war bird.]
Picard:
the
Shoot the alien!
[under breath] ...and they wonder why I never let Worf play with
phasers....
---------------------------------------------------------------------I was recently at a convention where Richard Arnold was a guest. He gave
away the following information on Season 5 ( of course, this must all be
true as it comes from such a well respected source of information ).
1)
Redemption Part 2
Redemption is poorly resolved in the last 10 minutes of the episode.
2)
The Voyager
Following on from the classic episodes 'The Child' and 'Devil's Due',
this is another rewrite of a Star Trek II script. It features a 20th
century NASA probe returning to earth, destroying everything in its
path.
3)
Happy Families
An alien race captures Data and Lore and makes several clones of both
of them. Brent Spiner plays everyone in this story, directed by Rob
Bowman.
4)
The Low Ratings ( working title )
Deanna Troi story.
5)
Deus Ex Machina
A character from a previous season turns up and saves the ship.
6)
Intimate Contact
Lanel shows up, 29 months pregnant.
7)
Hollow Plot Ideas
Picard reactivates Moriarty on the holodeck and takes on the persona
of
Dixon Hill in a battle of wits.
8)
The Traitor
The Romulans show up at the Neutral Zone, then go away again.
9)
IRA Q
Tense political allegory in which Q makes the crew act out a fantasy
in
which he is a freedom fighter who kidnaps Doctor Crusher.
10) The Schizoid Alien
Suzie Plakson is in two minds as to whether she is Doctor Selar or
K'Ehleyr.
11) The Space Whale
Unmade Doctor Who script. Riker episode.
12) The Miracle
Doctor Crusher saves a patient.
13) The Cliche
Doctor Crusher falls in love with the patient she saved.
14) The Accident
Doctor Crusher is pregnant.
15) Resurrection
Worf begins to think that he is a Dalek because all his stories begin
with the letters 'Re'. May feature Denise Crosby as Yar. Or as
someone
else. Or featuring someone else as Yar. Or featuring someone else not
as Yar.
16) The Imperfect Mirror Enterprise
The ship goes through a worm hole into another universe where O'Brien
is captain, Wesley is first officer, Data is ship's counselor, Troi
is
security officer and Picard teaches in the school on the Enterprise.
17) Final Mission 2
Wesley makes a cameo appearance.
18) The Ultimate Evil
The mystery of the disappearing outposts from 'The Neutral Zone' is
solved - it wasn't the Borg, it was the Poll tax bailiffs ( very
unpopular British tax system which is about to die :-) )
19) The Trouble With Troi-bles
Lwaxana Troi falls for Harcourt Fenton Mudd II Jnr.
20) Deep Thought
An evil Starfleet admiral tries to dismantle Data in order to make
bleeping communicator badges ( only $14.95 ! ).
21) Howling Mad
Barclay returns, suffering mental problems. He keeps referring to
Picard as 'Hannibal', Riker as 'Face' and Worf as 'B.A.'.
22) Sins of the Grandfather
Alexander kills himself because he comes from a family of Romulan
traitors.
23) Kirk
Geordi mind-melds with a 200 year old captain, resulting in increased
success with women, an increased waistline and a receding hairline.
24) Xenophobia
Directed by Paul Verhoeven, this episode features the Federation,
Romulans, Klingons, Ferengi, Borg, Cardassians, Telarians and
parasite
bugs simultaneously declaring war against each other. Made while Gene
Roddenberry was asleep.
25) Shades of Black
Picard's braaaaaaaain is being destroyed and the only way he can be
saved is to remember his time on the Borg ship, when he was
remembering
previous adventures. Cost cutting story ( only $1.6 million ).
26) The Epic
Mega-secret cliffhanger episode. Full synopsis available soon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------Re: The Mind's Eye
For those of you who have seen third season Red Dwarf, I imagine
the
teaser going a little differently, say, for instance with Geordi & the
computer
playing a ship identification game....
...G: Constellation Class Starship.
C: Correct.
Next Image.
G (krinkles forehead): hmmmn...wait a minute...
(Warbird uncloaks outside the window)
C: Romulan Warbird!
G: No, that's not it... it's a Klingon Battle-Cruiser.
window) Now
_that's_ a Romulan Warbird!
(looks out
:-)
---------------------------------------------------------------------In one obviously unused take that Michael Dorn tells of, Picard
is
welcoming someone onto the Enterprise. The dialouge is similar to as
follows:
PICARD : Welcome aboard the Enterprise. I'm Captain Picard,
this is my First Officer Mister Riker, and this is Chief
of
ships security, Mister Worf.
Would you care to beat him
up?
SOMEONE : Yes, thank you.
PICARD : Mister Worf, please step forward.
Also, if you ever get a chance, try to pay close attention to Worf's face
in
"Devil's Due" when Picard tells Worf to remove Ardra from the Captain's
chair. The look he gives pretty much describes Michael Dorn's attitude
on
Worf's getting pounded all the time.
---------------------------------------------------------------------"Data is a toaster."
-- Capt. Phillipa ("The Measure of a Man")
I'm wondering if the writer of MoaM had seen Red Dwarf when that line was
written...(i.e., the sentient toaster that appeared in the first few
episodes
and had some great lines like "Maybe there's something more fulfilling to
life
that warming bread") :-)
--------------------------------------------------------------------->From "In Theory":
The death of that engineering officer (one might say that she had the
decks stacked against her) is the scariest scene I have seen on any
Star Trek episode. The previous scariest scene was the female crewmember
without her face after Charlie removed it in Charlie X. I may have
nightmares about it.
Her death gives a whole new meaning to 'Midshipman' as well(;-).
According to Zen and the Art of Becoming a Good Officer, to achieve
nirvana on board a spaceship, one must become one with the ship :-D
Yeah, you could tell from the look on her face she was really ...
..FLOORED by the whole thing ! (Urrrrrp!)
---------------------------------------------------------------------Sunday afternoon in Houston Intercontinental Airport there was a page
for:
Dr. Leonard McCoy
I have no idea whether it was real or not, but I couldn't stop laughing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------->From "Redemption":
Well, now we know what Wesley would be like if he were a Klingon.
And, we know what Patty and Selma (from The Simpsons) would be like if
*they* were Klingon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------Some interesting things about Marina Sirtis:
-She owns a Harley Davidson! She said it is one of her favorite things
to do.
But, she has stopped riding it ever since her fiancee broke his leg on
it. It
has been broken for about 7 months now.(OUCH!)
-Yes, Marina will be getting married soon, though she does not know when
it
will happen.
-She says she is the one who gets picked on the most during the filming
of the
shows. One time she caught Brent Spiner trying to stuff her dog in a
microwave. :)
-Marina LOVES to shop. We have tons of malls out here and she said she
enjoyed
every single one of them. :)
-Marina is very funny. She puts on a good show and could probably be a
comedian if she wanted to.
-Her accent we hear on the show is a made up one. She is pissed though
that
none of the other Betazed characters were forced to learn the accent.
The
writers said they could not have her using her British accent when they
already
have a supposed French Captain who has one. :)
*-MEGA-Interesting point!!!-*
Did anyone know that Marina actually tried out for the part of
TASHA
YAR! Yep, and Denise Crosby was trying out for the part of Counselor
Troi.
The writers took on the both of them as cast, but switched their parts
around.
That is how Marina ended up as Troi. Interesting huh? Could we actually
picture Marina beating up people as head of security?? :)
---------------------------------------------------------------------And now, from the home office somewhere on Andromeda VII ...
*** TOP FIVE REASONS WHY WESLEY CRUSHER LEFT THE ENTERPRISE
#5)
#4)
Annoying snickers from crew whenever "Dr. Mom" left a brown-bag
lunch at his station.
Fake ID never worked in 10-Forward.
#3)
Found recipe for "Cream of Young Ensign Soup" in Worf's
room.
#2)
Unjustly accused of leaving Data too close to the
microwave.
And the number one reason why Wesley Crusher left the Enterprise ...
"Three's Company" reruns always interrupted by those stupid
Federation distress signals.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>Besides Spock's last name (or first name) there are other minor
unanswered
>questions that hasn't been answered in the past 20 (or 25 years) like:
>7) What's the purpose of Dilithum crystals in the warp drive.
To break down at all the wrong times and cause enormous plot
complications.
>8) Why the energy barriers at the edge of the galaxy.
Because it would look silly in the middle of the galaxy.
Geez...
>9) What happen to the Preservers.
They went down with the Titanic (I'm *really* sorry about this one).
>10) Who built the Doomsday Machine (yes I read Peter David's book
>Vendetta, loved it too).
Gene Roddenberry.
Actually, the real question that we have waited 20 years for is:
Is Kirk's hair real or is it a tribble?
---------------------------------------------------------------------Answering machine message:
Uhura:
[On communcator] Captain, we are being hailed....
Kirk:
I am in confrence with Yeoman Rand.
take a message.
Engage the beep
[A few TOS bleeps and whistles]
Uhura:
Captain, the beep is malfunctioning!
Kirk:
I'm on my way Lieutenent.
[Doors to Bridge Swish open]
Kirk:
Status Mr. Scott?
Scott:
The tone circuits are completely overloaded from screening
those calls from that green alien.
Spock:
If we do not engage the beep within 10 seconds there is a
97.34% chance that your party will hang up.
Kirk:
Scotty, I need beep in 9.3 seconds.
Scott:
There's no way...
Kirk:
Do it or I'll beam you into a wall.
Anaylsis Spock.
Spock:
Hypothesis Captain. The only reason they can't leave a message
is because there is no tone to denote the starting point.
Logically,
if this sound could be simulated...
Kirk:
Yes.....yes...then..I.....can get.........my........messages.
McCoy can you...
McCoy:
I'M A DOCTOR NOT A SOUND EFFECT!!!
Spock:
5 seconds...
Kirk:
Scotty....where's my beep?
Scott:
It's jerryrigged sir, I just don't know...
Kirk:
The bulkhead is waiting...
Spock:
3...
Kirk:
Mr. Chekov, ready recording vessels.
Chekov: Wessels ready...
Spock:
2...
Kirk:
Engage beep Lieutennant...
Spock:
1...
Uhura:
Aye, sir.......
<BEEP>
---------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What goes: '<click> Have I done it? <click> Have I done it?'
A: Geordi La Forge doing the Rubik's Cube!!
[1] Q: What goes: "<thud> That hurt ! <smack> Please, that's enough !
<crunch> Plee .. ase, Stop it ! <thwack> ...<moan> ... "
A: Someone who made a blindess joke, trapped in a pitch-dark room
with a blind person armed with a 24th century infra-red vision
prothesis and a 20th century white cane.
[2] Q: What goes "/usr/spool/mail/---- is full"
A: "Dopey Man"'s mailbox.
[3] Q: What goes "<click> <click><clic><cli><cli<cli< .. <whirr>
A: Data doing Rubik's Cube.
..
"
[4] Q: What goes "Captain, I sense no emotion in this device .. "
A: Troi doing Rubik's Cube.
[5] Q: What goes "Engage !"
A: Picard ordering Rubik's Cube to solve itself.
[6] Q: What goes "Scotty, I need this solved in five minutes or we'll
all dead!"
[7] Q: What goes "Cap'n, you kinna change the laws of Combinatorics .. "
[8] Q: What goes "It's not a puzzle as we know it, Jim !"
---------------------------------------------------------------------I was at my health club yesterday and there were 4 new Stairmaster-type
stair machines made by a company called Roadmaster. They are called...
STAIR TREK
I am not kidding, I even tried one out!
---------------------------------------------------------------------....so Tim, have you and the missus decided who's responsible for
cleaning
out Pandora's Box yet?
<Ducks REALLLY low>
---------------------------------------------------------------------THE ENTERPRISE RAP by M. C. Bocim
Kirk:
Space, the final frontier . . .
Take it away, rapping crew.
Do that wacky thing that ya'll like to do.
Mr. Sulu -- Warp 1.
Set your phasers for stun.
Spock.
Bones.
Spock:
Sp-sp-sp-spock.
B-b-b-b-bones.
F-f-fascinating.
F-f-fascinating.
Fascinating.
Fascinating.
Scotty: Captain, we need more power.
Captain, we neen more power.
Ensign: I'm the ensign and I don't know
If I'll be around at the end of the show.
When I pop up, count on blood a gettin' spilled.
I get a little curious and wind up gettin' killed.
Whether my name is Todd, Tim, or Ted,
The result is the same:
Bones:
Jim -- he's dead!
J-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-jim -- He's dead!
Scotty: My name is Scott and I run the transporters,
But they only work till I run out o' quarters.
Cap'n's always yappin' at me -- whine, whine, whine!
I'd love to shove these crystals where the sun don't shine.
Kirk:
How much time, Scotty?
How . . . much . . . time?
Take it Spock.
Spock:
My name is Spock, and I'm a Vulcan.
You can always find me in a corner sulkin'.
I've got pointed ears and a neat bowl 'do.
I'm the mondo-logic homeboy of this mighty rappin' crew.
I am really smart and I've got the notion
That I'm not supposed to show any emotion.
F-f-fascinating.
F-f-fascinating.
Fascinating.
Fascinating.
Kirk:
Take it Bones.
Bones:
Take it where, Jim?
My name is Bones, and I'm the doc.
Spend all my time just ripping on Spock.
By day I'm mad, by night I'm drunk.
I cut my own hair and I listen to punk.
Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a rapper.
Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a rapper.
D-d-doctor not a rapper.
D-d-doctor not a rapper.
Kirk:
My name is Kirk, and I'm the cap.
I'm just here to do the Enterprise rap.
Kickin' Klingons and Romulans, stompin' on the Gorn-I'm the baddest rappin' captain that has ever been born.
When a lady's around, you know I'm a flirt.
My lip always bleeds and I always tear my shirt.
All:
We live in a ship twenty miles long.
Came at Warp 9 just to sing you this song.
Bodies by Weider, moves by Bob Fosse
Give it up for the Enterprise posse.
Bones:
Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a rapper.
D-d-doctor not a rapper.
Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a rapper.
rapperrrrrrrr.
D-d-doctor not a
Kirk:
Nice solo, Bones.
Bones:
Thanks, Jim.
Spock:
Fascinating.
All:
We're the Enterprise rappin' crew
Beamin' on down, bringing it to you.
We love to move, we love to clap.
We're just here to do the Enterprise Rap.
Illogical, but fascinating.
---------------------------------------------------------------------To all you people complaining about Paramount jerking all of us around,
just remember that infamous Sheliac line (Ensigns_of_Command I think):
'THE LAW IS PARAMOUNT!'
(or is it the other way around?)
---------------------------------------------------------------------Commander Data mentioned this joke in one of the syndicated
reruns I saw lately of TNG, but was cuttoff before He could
finish it. Maybe you can think of a good way to end it:
"A Klingon, a clone, and a Ferengi walk into
a bar, and ...."
..the Klingon ordered a whiskey. Then the Ferengi ordered a whiskey.
The bartender looked at the clone and said "... and what'll *you* have ?"
The clone replied "Same as these guys, but make mine a double."
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
------------------------------------------------------------------------A Klingon, a clone, and a Ferengi walk into a bar, sit down and
order drinks. When the bill comes, though, everyone fidgets around
awkwardly. The Klingon finally speaks up - "Don't look at me! Real
warriors don't carry cash!" The clone then says "Don't look at me one of my other selves must have the money." The Ferengi hems and
haws for a moment and finally says "My wife must have the money
in her pants pockets!"
HA, HA, HA! <<Get it - Ferengi women don't wear clothes, and the
Ferengi are such liars, and ... Oh never mind.>>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Commander Data mentioned this joke in one of the syndicated
reruns I saw lately of TNG, but was cuttoff before He could
finish it. Maybe you can think of a good way to end it:
"A monk, a clone, and a Ferengi went bowling together".
"After an hour, the monk was on his knees, the clone was beside himself,
and
the Ferengi was taking the spares."
=========================================================================
=====
Here's one for all you humorous types out there...
Q.
A.
Why does a Trekkie make the perfect engineering student?
Because he's already used to not having a life.
In the vein of most of the current jokes in this group:
Q: How many Starfleet officers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: None. That would be interfering with the light-bulb's natural
development.
Q:
How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light
bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to
the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,
and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
=========================================================================
Worf: Sensors are picking up another time rift.
emerging.
There is a ship
Riker: Identification?
Worf: The U.S.S. Illegitimate, sir.
Riker: Mr. Data, what information do we have on this ship?
Data: The Illegitimate was crewed entirely by Admiral Kirk's out-ofwedlock
children. It had the largest crew in Star Fleet, with over 1,742
crew on board. Their names were -Riker: THANK YOU, Mr. Data.
Picard: Number One, assemble an away team.
[Away team materializes.]
Crewman on Illegitimate: A Klingon!
[He fires his phaser. Worf glows and vanishes.
where Picard collapses to the floor, sobbing.]
Cut to the Enterprise,
Picard: You bastard sons, you killed my Klingon!
=========================================================================
I was in the college bookstore the other day, and I found a couple of
items
you Trekkers might be interested in getting: Shoebox greeting cards with
scenes from ST:TOS episodes.
One card, under *college humor*, has Kirk and two female clones on the
cover.
(I think it's from the episode with Harry Mudd in it. In the end of that
episode, Mudd's clones of his wife come out yakking at him, "Harcourt!")
Anyway, Kirk asks one of the clones, "You two wouldn't happen to be in
the
same sorority, would you?" And the clone answers (they both have ditzy
looks
on their faces), "How did you know?"
The other card, under *Halloween* (what other holiday they could come up
with
a greeting card next?), Kirk and Spock are dressed in 20th century
civilian
clothes. (I'm not sure which episode it's from.) Kirk's speaking into
his
communicator, "Negative Scotty, we're not beaming up until we score
ourselves
a bag of those little goodies." And in the inside, it says, "Trek or
Treat."
-Euge
=========================================================================
The "Bridge Scene", from STAR TREK V.V: CAPTAIN KIRK AND THE
HOLY GRAIL...
OLD MAN: Stop! He who would cross the Bridge Of Death, must
answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
What... is your name?
KIRK: Captain James T. Kirk, of the United Star Ship Enterprise.
OLD MAN: What... is your quest?
KIRK: To explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and
new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before!
OLD MAN: What... is your favorite color?
KIRK: Green.
OLD MAN: Pass...
REDSHIRT: That's _easy_!
OLD MAN: Halt! What... is your name?
REDSHIRT: Crewman Smith.
OLD MAN: What... is your quest?
REDSHIRT [in a bored voice]: To explore strange new worlds, to
seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where
no man has gone before.
OLD MAN: What... is the corrosive ingredient in Romulan Ale?
REDSHIRT: Um... ah... I don't know - AIIIIIIIGGGHHH!
SPOCK: Fascinating.
OLD MAN: Halt! What... is your name?
SPOCK: Spock.
OLD MAN: What... is your quest?
SPOCK: To explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and
new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before.
OLD MAN: What... is the phase velocity of an oscillating subspace
transmission?
SPOCK: Amplitude modulated or frequency modulated?
OLD MAN: I don't know! AIIIIIIGGGHHH!
---------------------------------------------------------------------Enterprise bridge.
Riker:
The lights go out.
What the hell happened?
Data: I believe, commander Riker, that it may be summarized briefly
using classic thermo-dynamic theory...
Riker:
Data:
No, Data...
Yes, commander...
Riker:
Troi:
NO, DATA.
I sense frustration.
Picard:
Uncertainty.
Growing hostility.
Let's think this through.
Worf: Shall I sound battle-stations, Captain?
attack.
Riker:
Data:
Riker:
We may be under
Someone needs to replace the bulb...
As I was saying, classic thermo-dynamics...
Data, please shut up.
Troi: Deep, boiling emotional conflict simmers just beneath the
surface, Captain. I can feel it.
Picard: I'm sure there is a logical explanation.
calm, the answer will reveal itself...
Riker: Riker to engineering.
and change our bulb...
If we remain
Will somebody please come up here
Geordi: I sorry, Commander. But I find it hard to believe that's
your problem. In addition to eradicating hunger, eliminating
racial tension, reducing conflict to open discussion amongst
civilized and earnest beings, and generally doing away with the
inadequacies of previous human existence - the Federation has also
done away with the need to change light bulbs...
Data:
Riker:
Plainly, that is not the case...
Thank you, Data...
Troi: The universe as we know it Captain is coming to an end.
That is the word for what I sense...
Terror.
Picard:
Riker:
Wesley:
I think perhaps you are overstating the case, Counselor Troi.
Will somebody please change the God-Damned light bulb!
Yes, sir.
The deed is done.
---------------------------------------------------------------------Top Ten ways that our pal Weasly should die:
10:
Have his diaper rash get infected with space herpes.
9:
Have him sit on a phaser.
8:
Push him into the turbo lift before the lift gets his floor.
7:
Make him sit in the corner until he gets facial hair.
6: Send Ace Merrill (from Stand By Me) to get revenge, with a rusty
chainsaw.
5: Program the holo-deck with episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 and lock
him in
4:
Have Worf beat the shit out of him.
3:
Have Riker beat the shit out of him.
2:
Have his mom beat the shit out of him.
1:
"Accidentally" beam him into a rock.
----Jeffrey Williams
---------------------------------------------------------------------You've just had a heavy day commanding a starship. You've fought
Klingons off
the starboard bow, kept your ship from being blown up many times, and
generally
worked yourself into a stupor. Now comes LOG time. You deserve more
then just
LOG, you deserve CAPTAIN'S LOG!
Dave Hoek
enjolras@spdcc.com
---------------------------------------------------------------------An Enterprising Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship,
Not a computer was working, not even a blip;
The radios were silenced by Uhura with care,
In hopes the Federation would forget they were there.
The crewmen were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of Wrigley's Pleasure Planet danced in their heads;
And Kirk in his quarters, and Arex in his nest,
Had just settled down to a well-deserved rest.
When down in the
Kirk sprang from
To the turbolift
Dropped down two
labs there arose such a clatter,
his bed to see what was the matter.
he rushed with a roar,
decks and burst from the door.
The light in the walls of the corridor space
Gave dimness of evening to the Captain's face;
When, what to his suspicious eyes should appear
But three anti-grav units, piled high with some gear.
Behind them a fellow, dressed up all in red,
With a white, flowing beard and a cap on his head.
More stealthily than Klingons his helpers they came,
And he whispered, and motioned, and called them by name.
"Now yeoman! Now Ensign! Now nurse and lieutenant!
Be quick now, commander! We have a time limit!
To the rooms of the crew! To the end of each hall!
Now dash it and darn it! Be quiet you all!"
As good warriors ready to enter a fray,
When they meet with a leader, rush to obey,
So up to the sixth deck, the helpers they flew,
Each pair with a grav unit, and the gear piled on, too.
And, in the twinkling, Kirk gave hot pursuit
To see what this fellow would do with his loot.
As he hid in a niche, and was turning to spy,
Out of a room the fellow backed with a sigh.
He was covered in fur, from his foot to his dome,
And his body was rounded with stuffing of foam;
White trimming about his fat belly traversed,
And he looked like a tribble, just ready to burst!
The end of a stylus he held tight in his
And marked off each stop on his computer
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a
That went almost unseen 'neath the beard
fist,
print list.
grin
on his chin.
His helper was taller, and dressed up like an elf,
And Kirk smiled when he saw him, in spite of himself;
The slant of a brow and the point of an ear,
Soon gave Kirk to know he had nothing to fear.
They spoke not a word, but went straight to their chore
And placed a wrapped package inside every door.
Then meeting the others, all finished and done,
They headed back down, from where they had come.
Kirk sprang from his niche, to watch them take their leave,
And the last thing he saw was the red fellow's sleeve.
But Kirk heard him exclaim ere he dove out of sight,
"I'm a doc, not a Santa. Hope I got everything right."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=Excerpted from Starlog, January 1982
written by Jan L. Margut
---------------------------------------------------------------------Outland: 1/19/91 By Berke Breathed
Frame 1: Spock! Where's the crew?!
We've been retired, Captain. It was...time. 25 years.
Frame 2: Nonsense! Where's Dr. McCoy?
Checked himself down to "Planet Betty Ford"
Frame 3: And Uhura? Scotty?
"Planet Liposuction."
Frame 4: And *you* Spock...You're - ?
...Getting Ear implants Tuesday. They're sagging.
Frame 5: NO! I'M NOT RETIRING! I'M CAPTAIN KIRK AND I'M NOT OLD! I'M
NOT! I'M NOT! I'M NOT!
Frame 6: You... think I'm acting badly.
No. I think you're Badly Acting. But you always did, sir.
Frame 7: <Contemplation>
Frame 8: I hurt inside, Spock.
Your colon, Jim. Let's get you to "Planet Roughage."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------[The location is the turbo-lift which is carrying the captain and the
crew to the bridge.]
Picard: Worf, was that you who just farted?
Worf: (Appearing somewhat indignant) No Sir, it was not I. Had I made
the paa-taahhgg, you would not be standing here right now.
Picard: Lieutenant, I'm growing just a little tired of your Klingon
bravado.
Data: Actually Captain, Lieutenant Worf is quite correct in his
assessment. According to my calculations, if he had been the
offending party, the turbolift and decks eight through thirteen
would have sustained severe damage.
Picard: Hmmmm . . . then it must have been you, Number One.
Riker: Not me, Sir. As you know, I'm just a one dimensional character,
totally incapable of such a thing.
Troi: If I may be permitted to speak candidly, Captain.
Picard: By all means, Counsellor.
Troi: Well, actually, I sense a great deal of deception on your
Sir.
part,
Picard: What are you grinning at, Number One?
Riker: Excellent maneuvre, Captain, excellent.
Data: Commander, I fail to recognize the source of your praise.
Riker: It's an old ploy from 20th century earth, Data. When one farts in
an elevator, one always looks around accusingly at others in order
to evade blame.
Worf: KIRAAGGH! You act with the cunning of a warrior, sir. You must
have klingon blood in you.
Picard: Klingon blood indeed, Mr. Worf.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------In the spirit of the original Star Trek, the producers have decided
that, one a show gets popular, that they will milk it for all it's
worth. In this tradition, the successors of Gene are planning to create
a next generation animated series. The problem is with animation costing
so much, it is expensive to create new animated members of the crew.
Besides the current crew would need to be paid for voice work. So in a
monumental deal to give new work to some existing characters, Paramount
is proud to present a cross studio deal. Premiering next year will be
STAR TREK: THE WARNER GENERATION
By J J Kwashnak
(note to readers: there is a definite lack of female characters in the
Loony Tunes stable, so adjustments may need to be made)
Staring:
Jean Luc Picard
Elmer Fudd - ever on the guard against that
wascally Q, and the scwewy Wuxwana Twoi.
William Riker
Daffy Duck
Q
Bugs Bunny "Aint I a stinker?"
Lt. Worf
Tasmanian Devil
Data
Foghorn Leghorn - "Now see here, I say now see
here, the probability of getting the correct
shot to disable the ship and not destroy us is
3,456,982.34 to 1."
Geordi Laforge
Porky Pig - OK, so we can't get an actor with a
funky VISOR, so we got a speech impediment.
"The wa-wa-wa-w-wa-war-wa. The engines don't
work captain.
Luxwana Troi
Pepe La Pew - Amorous maniac
Beverly Crusher
Tweety Bird - "He fall down and go boom!" "I
tought I taw a bwoken bone. I did, I did taw a
bwoken bone."
Deanna Troi
Speedy Gonzales (I may not feel things, but I
sure can counsel people fast.)
Wesley Crusher
Wile E. Coyote - Super Genius. Try as he might,
he has great schemes, but they never work. (and
he almost never talks, another plus.)
Guinan
Granny - Dispensing grandmotherly advice and
gets to wear such funky hats.
Assorted Alien Forces
Marvin the Martian and Soldier K-9
Computer Voice
Sylvester the Cat (complete with spittle coming
out of the speakers)
Featured in this new melding of medias are such classic routines as
"A Question of Seasons":
Riker: Mr. Worf, arm the Photon Torpedoes and aim it on him, it's Q
season.
Worf: Armed.
Q: Don't fire at me, it's Riker Season.
Riker: Don't listen captain, it's Q season.
Q: Riker Season.
Riker: Q Season.
Q: Riker Season.
Riker: Q Season.
Q: Q Season.
Riker: Riker Season.
Q: Q Season.
Riker: Riker Season, Mr. Worf - FIRE!!
A Brilliant flash of light illuminates the bridge, clearing to show only
a lump of charred meat with a blackened bill and a singed beard and
moustache.
Also will be the infamous "Pronoun Trouble":
Q: OK Captain Picard, you've got me dead to rights. Do you want to
phaser me now, or wait until you get to Starbase 222?
Riker: Phaser him now, phaser him now.
Q: You be quiet, he doesn't have to phaser you now.
Riker: Yes he does, he does need to phaser me now. I demand that you
phaser me now.
Picard looks at Worf, shrugs and fires.
Riker: (Very Singed) You're despicable.
Just think of all the fun that the future holds in store.
---------------------------------------------------------------------[Wesley is standing by Riker and Q with a phaser rifle. Nearby is a
sign that says "Riker season." Riker tears down the sign.]
Riker: Q season!
[Q tears down the sign.]
Q: Riker season!
[They continue to tear down the signs before they speak for the
remainder of the scene.]
Riker: Q season!
Q: Riker season!
Riker: Q season!
Q: Riker season!
Riker: Q season!
Q: Riker season!
Riker: Q season!
[Q pulls down the sign. Underneath it is a sign with Wesley's picture
and the announcement, "Welsey season." Wesley grins stupidly and then
high-tails it out of there while phaser blasts follow him, missing
narrowly. Riker and Q, now carrying phaser rifles, turn to face the
audience.]
Q: Be vewy, vewy quiet.
We're hunting Wesleys.
Riker: Hahahaha.
--------------------------------------------------------------------Fifty Ways to Kill an Ensign
(music stolen from Paul Simon)
The problem is something 'bout your clothes, she said to me
The red shirt and the stripeless sleeves yell, "I'm Security!"
And when you get down planet-side with Kirk, you'll get to see
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
He takes a landing party down to find what's going on
A couple of the bridge crew, and some extras come along
And then before you know it - the `expendables' are gone
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
Fifty ways to kill an ensign
Just step on a rock, Jock
Get thorns from some plants, Lance
A Horta can spray, Ray
Just listen to me
Clouds drink up your blood, Bud
Computers can kill, Bill
You could lose all your salt, Walt
Kirk gets away free...
She said it grieves me so to see you with such nerves
Not ev'ryone who goes with Kirk will suffer from this curse
But then of course, you must recall - they sometimes suffer worse
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
Just tell him, "I'm not stupid and I'm not expendable
I'm not going!" Tell him that he's a Denebian slime devil
And he's overbearing, swaggering, and dictatorial
He'll find a new way to kill an ensign
Fifty-one ways to kill an ensign
[If you want to copy this elsewhere, go ahead, on condition that you
leave
my name and this notice on it. I want the credit...
Joel Polowin -- aka Bunsen Honeydew]
------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: How many people in TNG does it take to screw a lightbulb?
A: Nine.
A light blub out on the bridge....
RIKER:
"Geordi!
PICARD:
What the hell is going on?!?"
"Someone remove the lightbulb.
Conference!"
In the Conference room:
TROI:
(Putting her hand on the dead bulb.)
WORF:
"The bulb is useless now, Captain. Let me dispose of it."
(Unholsters phaser and adjusts it to "OBLITERATE" setting.)
DATA:
(Thinking about what Worf said:) "Captain, if I were to become
non-functional like this bulb, would I receive a regular burial or
would I be disposed of like..."
PICARD: "Shut up, Data.
LaForge?"
GEORDI:
of
Hold your fire, Mr. Worf.
(Stepping into the room.)
light bulbs.
"I feel...pain."
"Here, Captain.
Who needs light anyway?
Where is Mr.
I'm afraid we're out
With my VISOR, I can
clearly
see despite the absence of visible light."
BEVERLY:
WESLEY:
"I can surgically remove everyone's eyes and outfit us all with
VISORs...."
"No way, Mom. Wait! I got it! I'll build us a positronic
kreiger-wave-condensing incandescent light generator!"
RIKER:
"Excellent, Wes. By the way, what the hell are you doing in this
meeting? This is for senior officers only! Worf, put Ensign
Crusher
in the brig!"
WORF:
(To Wesley, grinning.)
BEVERLY:
"You will walk or I will carry you!"
"You're not touching my son!"
Everyone lurches. Outside, two Borg ships begin attacking the
ENTERPRISE.
Everyone rushes to the bridge. Q suddenly appears on the bridge in a
flash of
light.
PICARD:
Q:
End this!"
"Temper temper, mon capitan. Can't you humans take a joke?"
fingers--Borg ships disappear.)
PICARD:
Q:
"Q!
"I didn't mean the Borg ships--I meant the light bulb!"
"Oh. Sorry." (Snaps fingers again--bulb is restored.)
time!" (Flash of light--Q disappears.)
PICARD:
screw
(Snaps
(Hands restored bulb to Wesley.)
"Mr. Crusher.
"Until next
Prepare to
light bulb."
WESLEY:
"Aye, Captain."
(Holds bulb in position over bulb socket.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------The following would work better as a visual, but I present it in script
form.
<Ryker and the captain are both leaving the bridge together. They step
upon the
elavator. Ryker says "Holodeck" and the captain says "Engineering". The
elevator begins moving, and the two begin to converse in a freindly
manner.>
Picard: "So how did that game you were playing go last night Will"
Ryker: "Oh it went well, I won and afterwards took my opponent for a
drink in
the bar on deck 20"
<sounds of the elevator stopping and switching directions>
Picard: Good. I couldn't stay, as I had to be on the Bridge
<Elevator stops, and starts moving again>
Ryker <not noticing elavators eratic movements>: I understand. But you
should
take some time out to relax. This is your time out, and you head on to
Engineering (elavator switches direction again). You should go to the
Holodeck
(elevator stops) or to the bar <elavator starts again>
Picard <realizing what the elavator is doing>: No. I appreciate your
concern
but I really must get to the ENGINEERING (obviously speaking so the
elavator
will hear...elevator switches directions) section.
Ryker <now having caught on>: "Well, I for one am going to get some
relaxation
on the HOLODECK. <elevator stops and starts again> Are you sure you don't
want
to come.
Picard: "Thanks again for the offer will, but Jordie has something he
wants me
to see in the ENGINEERING section, and for me work comes first.
Ryker <starting to become slightly competetive and annoyed, but still
wanting
to be discreet>: Well, I just really want a drink on DECK 15 (elevator
stops)
Picard <speaking without thinking>: I thought you were going to the
holodeck
(elevator starts, Picard recognizes his error> Oh Damn. You win again.
Door opens to holodeck. Ryker exits. Dr. Crusher enters.
Picard: Good morning Doctor.
Ryker: Good morning captain. How are things on the BRIDGE. <door closes.>
-Tom Stevens (1@5210 on WWIVnet)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------