THE VETERINARY SIDE SHOW
(Abbreviated, from a brilliant script by Jennifer Stone)
Ring Master:
Hur-ree, Hur-ree
Step right up…
Step right up…
See the veterinary side show with FEATS THAT WILL AMAZE
YOU. Thrill to the daring do THAT IS veterinary medicine!
We will RAZZLE DAZZLE you with charm, STUN you with our
MEDICAL PROWESS and astonish you with our versatility!!!
Don’t miss the chance to experience this amazing demonstration!!!
Step right up!
Step right up!
Planted
Audience
Member:
Ring Master:
Why would I want to see that? All veterinarians do is give shots
to kittens and puppies and pet them all day long… HOW BORING!
Ring Master:
It’s true that many veterinarians get to play with kittens and
puppies…
That is where you are wrong. The veterinarian performs many
amazing – EVEN DEATH DEFYING – feats every day. Come and
be enlightened – if you dare!!!
<Introduce Small Animal Vet. The vet is working at a table with a LARGE
stuffed dog... the vet is finishing an incision to the abdomen.>
Ring Master:
But this is not all that cat and dog veterinarians do! They also
treat sick animals and SAVE THE LIVES of countless family pets!
They examine healthy pets to make sure they stay healthy and
they vaccinate pets against disease to be sure we all stay
healthy. And sometimes they even do SURGERY on animals to
make them HEALTHY again!
Small Animal
Vet:
<Small animal vet sticks arm as deep as possible into the stuffed
dog and begins to fish around.> Zounds! This puppy ate
something that he really shouldn’t have! What have we here…?
goodness, goodness! (begins pulling things out beginning with old
really dirty socks.) I can’t believe he thought this was tasty! He
should feel better now, though! <Carries dog off to post-op.>
Ring Master:
Now I know this will SHAKE YOUR VERY BRAIN…. But cats and
dogs are not the only pets that need care. BEHOLD THE
ASTOUNDING EQUINE VET!
<Equine Vet enters, wearing a cowboy hat and working on a hobby horse.>
Equine Vet:
I’m the horse doc… I always check their teeth and their ears
when I do a physical exam… watch if you dare… (checks teeth
and ears and eyes) I also must carefully check their feet
because horses have many foot problems. (tries to look for feet
and makes concerned noises when he/she sees no feet. Runs off
with horse to look for someone to help.)
Ring Master:
Ah yes, but the BIGGEST SECRET maintained by veterinarians
down through the ages has been the fact that the health of our
pets is not their only job! They use their extraordinary science
knowledge and their medical prowess in other astounding ways….
<Introduce a vet playing with glass beakers and has a microscope and a
seething basin of something – warm water, dish soap and dry ice.>
Researcher:
Greetings! I am the research veterinarian that discovers how
animals actually function so the pet doctors and others can do
their work.
I am the MOST important vet…. Eventually, I will rule the world!
(little maniacal laugh) I discover how animals function inside and
I develop medicines to help them stay healthy! I also discover
what made them sick in the first place! Ah, ha! I develop drugs
that cure illnesses no one would ever have thought would go away!
I even work on ways to prevent the universally feared
BIOTERRORISM! I AM ALL POWERFUL!!! (maniacal laugh).
<Researcher leaves the stage to go take over the world.>
Ring Master:
Our next veterinarian is an UNSUNG HERO performing feats of
DERRING DO that result in the food and other products that
keep pets and farm animals and even zoo animals living and
thriving…. BEHOLD THE MIGHTY INDUSTRY VET!!!
<Introduce industry vet: a mild, meek soul standing at a table with bags of
animal food – something students will recognize.>
Industry Vet:
(has a meek, kind of Fred Rogers demeanor) Hello, young folks!
I am a veterinarian and I do research and even sales for a pet
food company. I know what food elements are most effective
for good nutrition for all kinds of animals and my scientific
knowledge and experience allows me to come up with all kinds of
wonderful products!!! My work helps keep your pets’ teeth clean
and sparkling and… (as says this dissolves into a horrible,
distasteful face) even keeps cats from coughing up those
disgusting hair balls. Now there is a major piece of work.
The best part of my job, however, is the taste testing…. (While
walking off the stage, he/she pours what looks like cat food into
a bowl and begins to munch and smile and make mmmmmmm noises
– maybe gesture to offer some to the audience?)
Ring Master:
Uh, huh….. well I warned you there would be AMAZING FEATS!
But let’s not forget about the COURAGEOUS, PLUCKY
veterinarians who seek a life working with exotic animals in the
wild parts of the world or even at our local zoos! These are
AUDACIOUSLY BRAVE docs….
<Introduce doctor in lab coat and pitch helmet with stethoscope and pop gun.>
Zoo Vet:
(Using a stage whisper voice) I am the veterinarian who works at
the zoo. We try to simulate the natural habitat of the exotic
animals that live here. We tend to their medical needs. And
sometimes in order to do that I must shoot them in the butt
(stops and smiles and points gun into the crowd) with a
tranquilizer gun so I am in no danger as I work on them. I am
THE MOST IMPORTANT REPRESENTATIVE OF THE
VETERINARY PROFESSION BECAUSE I AM GUARDING THE
ECOSYSTEM OF ALL CREATURES!!!
Aha! I think I see a zebra I am doing surgery on today over
there! <Points gun off the stage and slips off to follow it.>
Ring Master:
Well, that ends our STUPENDOUS TOUR of the
UNBELIEVABLE WORLD OF VETERINARY MEDICINE (a voice
comes from behind the screen… “Hey, what about me???? A
green coveral clad, stethoscope wearing food animal vet
rushes onto the stage.)
Ring Master:
(Trying to ignore the food animal vet) AS I SAID, THIS ENDS
OUR STUPENDOUS TOUR…..
Food Animal
Vet:
(Kind of irate) HEY! Just because most people don’t think about
who keeps the food animals healthy and safe because they live in
the city and don’t see many food animals doesn’t mean we aren’t
important! How about those pigs, and dairy cows and beef cattle
and chickens….
Ring Master:
(shouting over the food animal vet) FEEL FREE TO ASK
QUESTIONS OF ANY OF OUR AMAZING VETERINARY
DOCTORS… WE’RE SO GLAD YOU CAME!
Food Animal
Vet:
HEY! You can’t ignore me! Try to wake up without bacon and
eggs for the rest of your life… or what if the meat for that
hamburger was diseased or what about that JUICY Steak for
the weekend barbeque…. yeah, yeah….. I AM THE MOST
IMPORTANT VET OF ALL!!!!!!!
Ring Master:
(Shouting over the food animal vet) THANKS FOR COMING.
QUESTIONS ARE WELCOME…..
Take some time to answer questions and hand out pamphlets on careers in
veterinary medicine.
Materials:
(1) gaudy costume for ring master
(2) sheet/screen that can be pulled across the ‘stage’
(3) small stuffed kittens and puppies (beanie babies?)
(4) white lab coat
(5) stethoscope
(6) very large stuffed dog
(7) (fake) scalpel
(8) white latex exam gloves
(9) old dirty socks
(10) other strange things for a dog to have eaten
(11) hobby horse
(12) cowboy hat
(13) glass beakers
(14) food coloring
(15) microscope
(16) dish soap
(17) dry ice
(18) bags of pet food
(19) small bowl
(20) pitch helmet
(21) pop gun
(22) green coveralls
(23) handouts on careers in veterinary medicine
Veterinary Side Show - Sign-Up Sheet
Ring Master
Planted Audience Member
Small Animal Vet
Equine Vet
Researcher
Industry Vet
Zoo Vet
Food Animal Vet