Psychological Impact of the Absent Father
By Tammy Jones
For me, probably one of the most difficult things about single-motherhood is
helping my children cope with the opted absence of their father. This monumental
issue must be handled delicately to avoid further damage to the psychy of our little
ones.
A little background. My ex left when our second child was six months old. She
has never really known her father. Directly after the divorce he would pick them
up for his court ordered 1st, 3rd, & 5th weekend of the month visitation. As time
went on his visits became fewer & farther between until finally stopping
altogether. Not only does he NOT exercise visitation with the children, but he
NEVER calls them & NEVER returns their phone calls. In the last two years they
have seen him approx 3 times for an average of about 1 hour each visit. He did
manage to squeeze in time around Christmas to bring gifts over & then bolt; & the
same thing around both kids birthdays. He popped up long enough to drop off
presents & run. I wonder to myself, "Why bother?"
Anyway, this is bringing on major emotional problems for my 6 year old daughter.
At the time of the divorce my oldest kid was 3 years old & very close to her father.
She was devasted when he left, but through many hours in counceling & lots of
crying, hugs, talking & TLC, I think she pretty much sees things for what they are.
Back to my 6 year old. I received a phone call from her first grade teacher. She
asked me, "Is something going on at home?" "Your daughter just broke down in
class & burst out with "my daddy doesn’t love me & sobbed uncontrollably."" As
I envisioned my beautiful curly headed, heartbroken tiny 6 year old, alone &
crying in classroom of her peers, I tried to explained to the teacher, "She
sometimes gets upset about her father. He has opted to be absent & there is
nothing I can do about it. I can’t make him love her. I can’t make him pick up the
phone & call her. I can’t make him want to visit. I have no control over his
behavior," I told her, "he is a grown man & he does what he wants & I don’t really
know what else to tell you except that sometimes she gets depressed," I said,
"thank you for calling," Upon hanging up with the perplexed teacher I called my
daughters father; unfortunately to no avail.
My daughter didn’t mention the incident at school & if the teacher hadn’t been
concerned enough to call I’d of never known. After all, he left when she was six
months old, I had no idea that after 6 years it weighed so heavily on her little
mind.. Although from time to time I see her sitting there sadly, quietly staring off
into space & sucking her finger. I assure her as much as humanly possible that
there is NOTHING WRONG WITH HER. I tell her that her father makes his own
decisions & I don’t know why he won’t have any contact with her & her sister. I
tell her that she is a good, kind, caring, beautiful person & that her father’s
absence is not her fault. I also reinforce the fact that she has many people in her
life that tremendously love her & would do anything for her. To some extent this
reassurance helps. But I can’t help but feeling that all my reenforcement, love &
praise it just isn’t enough.
At times I can see the longing for a "daddy," any daddy, in my children. On trips
to the mall or grocery story & we see a two-parent family walking along & kids
playfully saying, "Daddy, daddy, " I know it makes my children think about/wish
for their own father. Sometimes I’m not sure if they’re really missing their father
or if they just want to be like other kids. To confirm this longing for a father, they
inevitably, become comfortable with the man I’m dating, & work up the nerve to
call him "Daddy." I think they are testing the waters. They’re trying to see if "this
man" will reject or accept them.
Many people simply do not understand. They have NO idea what it is like trying
to help a child deal with this delicate subject matter. Most of the married parents I
work with on my 9-5 job refuse to even get into a conversation with me about my
children. I’m not sure if the subject is still taboo here in 1997, or if it is too
depressing for them, or perhaps they are afraid it might happen to them by
engaging in conversation regarding divorce issues with me.
My major concern about absent parents is they have no idea of the psychological
damage they are doing to their children. Many times the absent parent feels like
he’s "getting something" over on the custodial parent, & others simply don’t give
a damn.
I wish I had the answers. I wish my childrens father wanted to be involved in their
lives. I know many of you are in the same situation as my family. Although this is
a tough dilema with no easy answers, the only things we can do is to be there for
our children & honestly answer any questions they have. Don’t sugar coat your
answers by saying things like, "Well honey, Daddy had to work," or some other
untrue statement. If you do make-up excuses, eventually your children will see
that YOU are not telling them truth & begin to feel like they cannot trust you. As
dificult as it may be, DO NOT say anything nasty about your ex in front of the
children. No matter what, the children are a part of their father & regardless of
how big a jerk he is, they love him. So, they will look at negative remarks as a
reflection of themselves. Most importantly, reassure them they are loved
unconditionally & let them know that YOU are always going to be there for them.
http://singlerose.com/articles/show.html?ID=39